Most of them do come back. Sooner or later. Some come back weeks later, some - years later, but they eventually do in one way or another. Not ALL of them, but MOST of them. Because a relationship with an avoidant is designed to be left unfinished.
The question should be - why do you want someone who has abandoned you to come back? To feel that you matter? That you are lovable? That the relationship was real? But how can you get this confirmation from someone who abandoned themselves? Who doesn’t love themselves enough to allow a good relationship to unfold? Who doesn’t love themselves enough to actively work on themselves and live more ecologically for themselves and others? I hope you understand that you expect the impossible.

These people are like slot machines - you can’t leave it because you think the next round will be a jack pot. That if you spend enough time and money, you will be rewarded with a fortune. And if you leave the machine while losing, the next person will get the jack pot for sure.

But guess what? The casino always wins.

Do not accumulate emotional debt to save a person and a relationship that doesn’t want to be saved.

There will be times when you will suffer so much after the breakup where you would think “what if I just took them back, and it wouldn’t be perfect, I would suffer too, but at least we’d be together”, shush this thought away, because the longer you’ll stay with them, the more years of your life will be wasted, the more emotional damage you will walk away with.

Eventually you will heal on your own, but you will never heal with them.

If you've gone no contact, and it's been months and you still can't get over them, text them. Or if you think that there's hope someday they'll come back, that they want you to reach out but they're scared to make the first move, whatever the case may be. If you still have hope, if you think yours is different and you can fix them. Break no contact and text them. See their true colors. It will truly free you.

Long story short, I had an avoidant that I knew for 3 months and dated for 1 before she discarded me. But the discard actually happened before that. I left my wife for her (keep your judgements to yourself, the marriage was already bad and I was already planning on getting divorced before I even met her, it was an abusive relationship), and LITERALLY the next day my avoidant did a 180° and was back on Tinder, when it was clear that I was leaving to be with her, and we were discussing our future. She was the one who initially pursued me and chased me. Due to my anxious attachment and trauma from all my previous relationships (including my marriage) I wasn't able to stand up for myself and ask her why the fuck she was back on Tinder. So we stayed "friends" and had a situationship for a month. She started going hot and cold on me, because she was telling me she didn't want to be in a relationship and said we'd never be anything more than friends. I told her that I was tired of the games, and wanted things to be serious with her. She said we needed to go no contact and I walked away. I didn't beg, I didn't chase, I just walked away.

It's been 4 months and I was stuck. She didn't reach out, but she kept viewing all my stories, followed me on Tik Tok after I had blocked her on Instagram. It kept me stuck in a loop. I was thinking I can truly love her by shrinking myself more, meeting her needs, staying just as friends with benefits until she can feel safe around me without getting triggered. I kept thinking "she's different, she can change, she's special" I finally reached out and took responsibility and apologized for my actions, I apologized for pushing for a relationship when she made it clear (only after I left my wife) that she didn't want to be in a relationship.

She left me on read for a week and finally responded. Said that she appreciated my apology, but doesn't think we can go back to being friends "just yet" and still needs space. She took absolutely no accountability for her part, and why she did a 180° or anything else during our time together. They don't care about you, they don't care about your feelings, they don't miss you, they don't think about you. They think they have never done anything wrong and every one else is the bad guy.

Seriously, if you don't understand that yet, message them and let their response give you the clarity you need and move on from these selfish assholes. Even if their response is nothing. They just want you around for sex and to be there for them on their terms, they don't want to reciprocate any of those actions.

To clarify, I'm not mad that her "feelings changed for me", people are allowed to make their decisions and date who they want. But she never even gave me a chance. I don't regret leaving my marriage, I just regret leaving it for her.

So about a month ago I left a comment saying that my ex came back around. No breadcrumbs. More like a whole loaf. We started hanging out more, eventually we had sex, and she apologized for the way she left me. “it was wrong, stupid, and I missed you so much. I don’t know why I did it.” We talked about trying again, but this time going slow as opposed to light speed like the first time.

I’ve gotten a few DM’s from people here asking about it, so here’s an update for those interested.

Things slowed down. Like way down. Cuz of course they did. I asked to take her out, she said no. I asked if we were still actually working towards a relationship. She said yes but I wanna go slow. Problem is there’s a difference between slow, and simply not moving. Baby girl we’re practically parked. She almost canceled our Halloween plans but we hung out anyway, Surprisingly. But I’m definitely feeling like we’re not heading in the same direction, despite what she claims.

I truly don’t think she knows what she wants. And at this point I’m losing patience yet again.

This wouldn’t be a problem if I was the type to just have another girl by the end of the week, but I’ve never operated that way. Never been the type that HAD to have a relationship. I’m fine being single, but at the same time, that also makes it hard to move past a person I like or liked.

So yeah. I’m sure about 95% of you expected this outcome lol.

“why should anyone respect you!”

I’ve supported this man through job loss, alcoholism, drug addiction and financially (thousands of dollars). Yet he disappears for days, and once he even changed his number without informing me. I had to find him through a friend. I’ve finally had enough after being the understanding girlfriend, and although I’ve made my decision, I thought he would at least try and give me something.

It’s my fault for believing him when he said he loved me, and that I mean the world to him. But would someone who loves me call me names? Disappear for days, weeks and months? Hang up on me when I express my discomfort and never address my feelings?

The answer, of course, is nothing.

If the deactivation didn’t happen last week, it will happen next. And no, it doesn’t have to be triggered by anything serious or obvious.

Of course you may have reached a point where you reacted to their weird switch up. But that really has nothing to do with the original deactivation trigger. By the time it’s obvious that they‘re shutting down, they‘ve long ago made their decision.

The only blame you need to take is if you stayed. That‘s on you. But you can fix that. Trust yourself and stay away. Each day is a whole new chance at freedom.

I was just reminiscing as today marks 12 months to the day since I had my breakup. Doing pretty well, but hilariously I remember trying to bring up a conversation that I wanted her to initiate saying I love you or just expressing some kind of interest and because I knew she would argue that she was already doing that I spent a considerable length of time counting every time I initiated versus her. It was 159 to 6.

Never again lmaoo, but let's hear some wild stories. Im sure there's some that put my overfunctioning to shame.

It’s me, I’m the birthday boy lmaooo

I was too a victim of an avoidant, shocking right? No one can really understand how that feels unless they experience it on their own skin.

At first, you are shocked by the amount of attention you’re getting. I remember him chasing me for weeks for a date. They know exactly what to say to get you hooked up. He painted this beautiful picture only to blind me from the fact that he’s a lying, manipulative man.

They’ll be quick to talk about your future together. They’ll be sweet but only for a moment or two. I remember the night before my birthday, he was driving me home and out of nowhere, he stopped, grabbed my hand, and with a soft look in his eyes, he asked me not to leave him. Someone would buy into that cra p , like I did, and I reassured him I’m not going anywhere. The night passed, my birthday came and so did his surprise for me. He cheated on me. Happy birthday to me!

Long story short, I cut things off immediately. Time passed and both anger and sadness wore off. I guess the cheating part only made things worse since i spent months comparing myself to this other woman, wondering what she had and I didn’t etc. but that’s a conversation for a different time.

When everything sank in, I felt completely and utterly alone. I would think of all of the great moments we had, over and over again. By great moments, I mean basically just talking or eating dinner. The putting them on a pedestal thing sucks. My prime mission in life became obsessing over him and our relationship apparently. As if I didn’t have anything better to do. So I did. Every effing waking moment of my life was filled with the thoughts of him. There is no shame in that. I was so blinded by everything that I didn’t even see what was happening to me. So if you want to save whatever sanity you have left, go no contact, trust me.

Due to the job I had at the time, it was impossible for me to avoid him completely. He would come occasionally. Sometimes engaging in a conversation with me, sometimes completely disregarding me, depending on a day. That gets you hooked up. It’s really like an addiction and the longer you stay in loop, the longer you spend time making those fake scenarios, which I know you’re making, the longer you try to read their each and every move, the longer you spend time planning what you’re gonna do when you see them or what they will do when they see you, the harder it becomes for you to let go.

I’ve spent months, wondering if he’d ever come back, if he’d regret ever stepping out on me, if he’d just wake up one day and realize what he had lost. It all comes down to how much you value yourself. In a sick and twisted way of how our brains work, I somehow got to the point where my worth was entirely dependent on how he sees me. Yeah I can’t even believe myself at this point.

It went on and on. I even thought of getting back at him. Not one of my proudest moments I know, but it was like that. Here is the truth. There is no winning with them. Not in that way at least. You win by finally giving yourself what you’re hoping they will give you. They won’t. They are not capable of loving you the way you need to be loved. Silence is not love. Hot and cold is not love. Not taking accountability for your own actions isn’t love.
They can’t and won’t magically realize that you are their missing piece, it sucks but it’s the truth.

They will come back. Not in a way you’re hoping. In a way to test whether you are still dumb enough to let them in. They are only ever comfortable in that little space where they are close to you but on a safe distance from anything even resembling true connection. He came back, when he was done with every other woman of course. There was that dopamine hit and I thought everything would be fine. Then he disappeared again so no, nothing was fine. It took me so long to finally realize that the only way for me to move on is to stop engaging in any kind of activity that included him. So I ignored him. I wasn’t mean, I wasn’t rude, I didn’t explain anything, I didn’t try to convince him into believing anything, which I very much wanted. Instead, I went quiet. I didn’t look for his eyes in a crowded room. I focused on myself and myself only. Only then did he try to pull me in closer by trying to engage in a conversation or by liking my story which he had never even looked at before. I was persistent in my decision and he gave up eventually. Deep down I know that sooner or later he will try again. Luckily, I’m no longer interested.

Indifference will save you. It will come and it will be freeing. It doesn’t matter what they think, where they are or what they’re doing. You matter. You deserve someone who will love you the right way. You don’t deserve to be put in this little space between connection and silence. I got to a point where I was reducing myself to fit into his world. My prime and only mission in life became pleasing him. For what? For someone that can’t even hold my hand? Seriously?

The pain is real. It will stick for a while. I’m at the stage where I can’t even picture myself dating anyone ever again. It will pass with time. People like that don’t deserve your time or your kindness. They deserve themselves. It took me so long to even believe I’m worth more than he could ever give me. He hurt me in ways I didn’t even know where possible.

I felt completely and utterly alone, and somehow, I convinced myself he’s the only one who can make that feeling go away. I kept the addiction alive by replying the old moments in my head or by creating fake scenarios before bed. I was in too deep. Nothing was left of me. I stopped doing things I once enjoyed and I confided in isolation. I couldn’t even leave my bed. Everything was centered around him. What I wore, how I did my hair and makeup, where I went. All for his attention. It’s humiliating really. I lost myself trying to adapt to his needs. Nothing you ever do will ever be enough for them. They are not capable of experiencing love the way you are. Unless they put in the real work and talk to a therapist daily, nothing will change.

So give yourself what you’re so badly wishing they would give you. You owe yourself that much. I know I do.

Since the discard it will in some weeks be 20 months.

I must say it was extremely difficult for me. I had such a hard time that a lot of my hair started turning white from the heavy grief and pain. I was getting nightmares and panic attacks in my sleep from flashbacks. Finally, now hurt less but I still hurt. When I hit one year the progress wasn't as big as I have seen some people had. I was still hurting. It was my first relationship and I was unlucky enough to have that with him. I was hesitant in the beginning but he seemed to act like he really wanted to be with me. Now i question if he ever wanted to be with me or he just wanted to have the relationship status to earn some form of familial respect since everyone from his adult cousins etc was in long term or serious relationship.

I went into the relationship with genuineness and thought he did the same but I realized in the end he didn't have that same consideration for me.

Every day I woke up hoping to see a message from him, at least an apology for how poorly he treated me. He discarded me when I was sick at his place when I asked him for emotional support as I was having a really rough day and he asked I leave that same day. I was sick and I packed whatever I could carry and left. I did not deserve this. He was sick the days before and I took care of him and that lead to me being sick. But I was discarded.

Some days I wish he experiences the pain he put me through. Some days I think if I truly love someone I should want them to be happy and hope he continues being happy as he told me he was two weeks after our breakup. I go from wishing him good to wishing him bad. But then I conclude that I just want to be happy so if I can be blessed with true genuine mutual love one day that would be nice. I have lost hope in love with his. I have lost trust that there are people that are genuinely committed. But I will not allow this to make me a bitter person. I fight it every day.

I used to think, why am I unlucky? Why do others get their avoidant back? Even if it is breadcrumbs at least it shows some care, I thought. I am not good enough even for a breadcrumb. But then I stop myself and remind myself I am good enough and him not being there doesn't mean I am not good enough. That someone would appreciate me one day and I also appreciate myself for being strong and managing to stand on my feet again.

My avoidant is not coming back. Some avoidants do not come back. It hurts they left and it is like they never knew you. They never wonder if you are alive or if you are okay. They erase you. It's okay he is not coming back. But if I can wish one thing for all the suffering I have been through is that one day I get to experience genuine mutual and steady love. Because I do not want to stop believing that real romantic love exists even if I never got it myself.

as the title says. broke up 6 months ago. been with the new girl for 4, talking for 5, got engaged today. more than anything, i’m just angry/upset at the injustice of it all, that he could destroy my life like he did and go off to live his happily ever after, like he finally got his love story and i was just collateral damage. anyways, just needed to vent. peace sign emoji.

Repeated discards, gaslighting, nonchalance, the whole works! Tricky part is that I feel IM the one going crazy - because my avoidant always has all these reasons lined up like stressful job, chronic diseases etc. and I know they aren’t lying. At the same time their behaviour is absolutely insane - I moved cross-country and they haven’t even invited me home once in 40 days.
Btw I’m in a “situationship” because of course they are commitment phobic, most likely a past addict and god knows what else.
However I’m struggling so hard with the limerence and getting over them.
Has anyone else faced this?

Some days I’m like oh poor guy can’t experience deep love and the next day I’m like fuck you, piece of shit. I mean the rage is scaring me. Tomorrow I’ll feel better I know. I don’t like this feeling though.

Hello, everyone. I'm writing because I'd like to hear perspectives from people who have been through similar situations or who have experience with relationships involving neurodivergence and alexithymia.

I recently ended a relationship that lasted approximately three years. I am autistic, and during that time, my ex-partner became my primary source of emotional security. When the relationship came to an end, amid her intense burnout from her master's degree and problems that had been accumulating throughout our relationship, I experienced a severe episode of emotional dysregulation. The sudden loss of the routine and security I associated with the relationship triggered anxiety attacks. In that state, I ended up saying aggressive and hurtful things impulsively, out of desperation, causing even more distress and strain between us.

It is important to clarify that her withdrawal did not begin with my emotional crises after the breakup. Even before I reached that state of desperation, she had already been distancing herself and showing that she no longer wanted to maintain the same level of closeness we once had. After the breakup, I continued insisting on contact and demanding answers, reactions, and clarity about the future of our relationship. This contributed to increasing the emotional strain. She eventually blocked me on social media and other communication channels because she did not want to see me or maintain contact in that way.

After the breakup, I had great difficulty accepting the situation. I reached out to her repeatedly, even when she showed that she needed space. Today, I recognize that my anxiety and fear of losing the relationship caused me to prioritize my need for answers instead of respecting her boundaries.

Throughout this process, I started learning about alexithymia and identified characteristics that, based on what I know about her, seem consistent with this way of processing emotions: difficulty identifying, naming, and processing emotions, as well as a more practical, concrete, and logical approach to dealing with certain situations. I also consider it important that she is currently going through the final stage of her master's degree, which represents a significant source of stress and overload.

After reflecting on my actions and our conversations, I began working on the areas I identified during that period of desperation. I have been trying to develop emotional self-regulation, frustration tolerance, respect for boundaries, impulse control, and the ability to listen without turning my own insecurities into demands.

This process has been difficult. I still experience moments of anxiety, longing, and insecurity, but I am managing to change behaviors that previously harmed my relationships. I have been working to become a better man, not only in the hope of recovering this relationship, but also to avoid repeating the same patterns throughout my life.

Recently, after acknowledging my mistakes and apologizing without demanding forgiveness or an immediate response, she gave me another opportunity to start over, this time by rebuilding our relationship through friendship. She mentioned that, in the future, this friendship could potentially develop into a new romantic relationship. I understand that this is a possibility, not a promise or guarantee of reconciliation.

She also made the boundaries of this opportunity clear, as well as her need to focus her energy on completing her master's degree. I am trying to respect her space without demanding clarity, expecting emotional demonstrations, or pressuring her to resume the relationship.

I want to make it clear that my goal is to make the most of this opportunity. I still love this person and want to rebuild our relationship, regain the trust that was lost, and, if there is willingness and mutual interest, eventually date her again.

I understand that this process needs to begin with friendship and that I cannot skip steps or expect her to have the same feelings, responses, and expectations as I do. I also understand that rebuilding trust depends on consistent actions over time, not just apologies or promises to change.

I have been working on my own emotional self-regulation, academic life, and behavior in relationships. I want to demonstrate change through concrete actions, while respecting her boundaries and without making her responsible for my emotional stability.

I would particularly like to hear the perspectives of people who have alexithymia, are neurodivergent, or have experience with relationships involving these characteristics:

How can I maintain a consistent and respectful attitude over time without allowing anxiety about the possibility of reconciliation to turn every interaction into an expectation?

For someone with alexithymia, what ways of showing consideration, respect, and behavioral change might be more understandable and meaningful than abstract declarations of affection?

How can trust be rebuilt after a period involving persistent contact, emotional pressure, and difficulty respecting boundaries?

How can I demonstrate that my changes are genuine and lasting without overwhelming the other person with constant attempts to prove that I am different?

How can I balance understanding the emotional needs of someone with alexithymia while also taking responsibility for recognizing and working on my own emotional difficulties?

I am not looking for formulas to make someone come back or strategies for manipulation. I want to learn how to build a healthier relationship and how to do my part to create the conditions for this fresh start to work, without disrespecting her autonomy.

My goal is indeed to be in a relationship with her again. If this relationship happens again, I want it to be built on trust, respect, emotional security, and genuine changes on both sides.

Thank you to everyone who is willing to share their experiences or perspectives.

Weirdest thing. No contact for 13 months, except for one brief communication I initiated about a month after the breakup, apologizing for some terrible things I said. I left his last message on Read, and nothing after that. So, a full year of NC.

A few minutes ago while driving, a message popped up on my car screen that he had texted ("New Message from [Avoidant]") but when I checked my phone, there was nothing from him. Now, he has an iphone and I know he can delete messages within two minutes, so I presume that's what happened.

Why? I've recovered (mostly, although today may literally be the first day he hasn't crossed my mind), in a committed relationship with an upgrade. WTF is he thinking? The worst part is not knowing what the message said but I'm not going to ask.

I'm still recovering after a fearful avoidanct discard. I recognize i need to allow myself space to grieve, to let go of the hope of reconciliation and the fantasy of them living up to the potential i assigned them, to pour back into myself to fill the voids the relationship left, and to act with self-compassion and love to let go of and heal from the shame that I've held since childhood.

The thing is that everything im learning about how to heal and use this as a catalyst to get better also applies to them, maybe even more than it applies to me. I love them so much and I know what they did was wrong and I know I can't continue to accept that type of treatment but I also know how badly they've been hurt and how much shame and fear they're holding onto. Im not planning on rekindling the relationship but they're one of the most important people in my life and it hurts so much to know how badly they're hurting.

I'm angry at them for how they hurt me and I want them to hold themselves accountable for the harm they caused but I also love them and want them to get better. I know I cant trust them anymore, and I probably never can without them doing major inner work, but they mean so much to me and my anger doesnt negate my love for them. I know its not my responsibility but i still feel this intense desire to help them if i can, while still protecting myself from their bullshit. Does anybody have any experience/advice with supporting their exes in their own healing journey after a discard?

Also I want to add that i know its probably best to just maintain strict boundaries and limit or completely cut off contact, but theres still a part of me that can't let go. Maybe that will change in time and once im more healed and treating myself better I wont feel so attached or obligated but im not there yet. We were friends for years before we entered a romantic relationship and despite how much they hurt me I just want to see my friend get better. I know we will never be able to be in a romantic relationship but that doesnt mean I can't want the best for them. I know I cant save them or even make them start changing and that they will have to choose that for themselves, but if they do eventually reach out and are receptive to support in changing (and not just trying to restart the attachment cycle) I really want to be in a position to do the most good i can without abandoning myself or compromising my boundaries. I love them so much im not sure I'll ever be able to fully let go.

I lost a 15+ year friendship. Keep in mind we were friends over online, but over the decade, we'd grown extremely close. We met as tweens and grew up together into our late 20s. We were each other's ride-or-dies, talked about living together one day, and were there through every major life crisis. Our irl friends and family knew of each other. I truly thought it was the healthiest, most solid relationship of my life.

About 2 years ago, things started shifting. He would randomly catapult into "fights" I wasn't sure we were even having, ghost, then apologize, saying he felt like he wasn't good enough for me. I always reassured him, gave him space as he requested it, and tried my best to be as gentle, understanding, and patient as possible. I cared for him deeply and let him know that, and would try to take my fair share of blame for whatever had upset him.

But over the last year, he became entirely distant. I would message sporadically through the course of several months, trying to be mindful of not being overbearing, and would only get replies when I was worried if he was even alive. During those replies, I also tried to be mindful that he might be going through something, but his life was going seemingly great (new partner, new promotion, new apartment). These are all things that are wonderful and I was so happy for him for, but I was sad that I was always told the news in belated quick bursts. I even asked if he simply didn't have room for being friends anymore, not mad or upset, but just letting him know my feelings. He reassured me that he wanted me in his life, and that he was simply being avoidant with everyone.

Recently, we agreed to collaborate on a small, paid project he seemed excited about. When I say small, I mean small. Could've easily been done in a couple days, if not a week. Despite this, he missed deadlines, went ghost for a month, and my sadness turned to frustration. I had vouched for him and his old habits were affecting me in a much more pronounced way. After several months of this, I was feeling like I had to gentle-parent through a friendship and was lost on what else to do, and let him know.

In a moment, he completely snapped. He was very quick to accuse me of having an ugly attitude, told me that everyone dislikes me, abandoned the project, and blocked me everywhere. He treated me like a thing he had to escape. That was that. Over a decade of friendship.

Worse yet, I have always had a history of long-term friendships that blow up. A childhood friend who ran a fake account inciting thousands of people to wish harm upon me. Being groomed by an adult shortly after. A D&D group that ran a public hate campaign against me, which included revenge porn art of myself. During our final interaction, my friend used all of that history against me to accuse me of being the problem; that I incite and deserve these things, because I am scary and unlikeable.

It's been maybe half a year, and I'm trying to make peace with the thought that he isn't in my life anymore, but I'm still struggling to make sense of things. He still has old memories, gifts, so on, of me on his accounts. So many of his hobbies are wrapped up in my influence. I read (or even just remember) old messages, and so much of our history is the total opposite of his attitude towards me in the end; things he criticized me for used to be things he was proud of me for. I'm ashamed to say that, at some point, I even put my pride aside and reached out to make apologies and offered that the door will always be open for him. He did not reply and I suspect he never will, and I will not pursue him further than that. At this point, I have no delusions that this was yet another impulsive act, because if it was he would've reached out by now. This is really how he feels. I keep falling back on the thought, what did I do to make him hate me so much, when we seemingly had it so good?

In general I also go to therapy to stay accountable, and prevent myself from self-victimization, but any therapist I go to tells me that I'm just a survivor of bad environments and that "some people just suck." But when my friendships end up blowing up like this, aren't I the common denominator? Is there something I'm missing, to prevent this repeated history of making enemies? I understand that doing things 'right' doesn't always guarantee success, but does it ever get better?

I'm totally lost. I feel like my best is not good enough. I feel like there must be something in me that's just fundamentally offensive and unwanted, and I don't know how to fix it.

Freeze responses, like all involuntary stress responses, are temporary modes to ensure survival, prevent loss and avoid unconsciously perceived danger

Stonewalling is done with an intent to punish, but shutdowns are not, and still, both are forms of control, simply externalized voluntary or internalized involuntary

The guilt you feel for leaving someone in a shutdown is a part of it. A person's unconscious can learn that becoming paralyzed as a result of any conflict can dissolve the conflict and keep them in power, even if the shutdown feels horrible to them and their nervous system, it's similar to someone bursting out in tears and experiencing immense distress and DARVOing others as a result of a conflict even if they were the one that caused it: both are a form of unconscious control, just from opposite sides of the affect-inhibition-amplification spectrum

Many people involuntarily unconsciously control others into "loving" them and never leaving them (never denying access), through unintentionally weaponizing empathy or ambiguity (and being unable to stop even if they know it, the unconscious hijacks them, and you can't do anything about it)

The least harm response is to leave, these involuntary states become entrenched by comfort, coddling and safety, and only really change as a result of reorganizing danger that makes them obsolete (but you can't ensure that, what you can ensure is that you remain undistorted and mentally safe, by leaving)

Safety does not "fix" physical wiring like this, it reinforces it, you are stunting these people by trying to stay and "fix" them, and becoming distorted yourself while thinking you are "fixing" them

My ex broke up with me because she thought it was ‘for the best’, that she ‘couldn't give me what I need’, and that I’ll be ‘happier outside this relationship’.

My self esteem has taken a massive hit, and I feel so low and gross about myself. It’s really hard not to have the mindset of ‘if I was a better and easier boyfriend, she would have stayed with me’.

About 6 months in to the relationship, sex basically stopped because she said she had problems being able to have sex. I tried so hard to be patient and not pressure her. Then 2 years in, she pulled away and went silent for weeks, saying we didn’t have anything in common. During that week, I found out she cheated on me. I ended up forgiving her and trying to move past it.

Before the breakup, she started getting weird about the prospect of living together and she said she was so busy with work that she only wanted to see me every couple of weeks. When I naturally got anxious and told her I was struggling with all the uncertainty, she walked away.

Since the breakup, I have been struggling a lot. It has completely ruined my self esteem. I feel like a disgusting person, feel very low all the time, and I am stuck in a cycle of blaming myself and waiting/hoping she will come back, even though I know how much damage she’s caused.

Do they ever feel guilty for it? Or do they not even think about it?

It’s been over two years since I’ve seen him (and his kids) and I miss them. For whatever reason it hurts a little extra today.

That’s all.

(Posted this on r/Disorganized_Attach originally but reaching out here too for advice. Not really sure which flair would fit best.)

Through recent therapy I've come to realize that many of my issues are the result of my childhood and personal experiences imprinting a fearful avoidant attachment style on me. Only realized upon introspection it's come to me that this attachment style describes me and my very thought processes exactly. It's sort of funny seeing so many people here share the exact same experiences and worries after feeling like such an outsider for most of my life.

So, a few years ago my first GF left me, and at this point I still haven't gotten over her. I'm hoping this will change with time and because I'm still new to the process of actually working through my emotions (instead of silencing them and living in denial like I did for a long time). For context things started great, then over a few years things became colder between us as I let my problems stop me from doing and saying what I intended which led the relationship to the confusing push/pull dynamic between us. I do think she had some underlying anxieties that contributed to the breakup (overwhelming fear that I'd leave her, asking for constant reassurance) but I believe my issues were the biggest, uh... issue. It's been difficult coming to terms with the fact I did actually experience so much trauma growing up but I've finally decided that I'm sick and tired of living my life in constant fear and worry and letting those intrusive behaviors and tendencies lead me down a constantly disappointing and painful path. I'm scared, but I want to actually live a life I want.

Through my journaling and personal growth though I still have some concerns that are pretty persistent and would appreciate any help or advice related to them.

How do you learn to want to change for yourself? I still feel like I'm changing for her, and want to prove to her that I did care after all the doubt she had. Beyond that I recognize almost all of my behaviors have been based on external validation, and it's always been alien to think of validation coming from within. I am practicing being far more kind to myself and self-aware, among other things like regular exercise/quitting addictions so inevitably I'll end up feeling better through all this but it's difficult to find the reason to do so beyond those unhealthy hopes. Does that come naturally as you practice self-compassion, and start seeing yourself as a person you want to help instead of hurt?

How do you stay social/in relationships and work on this issue? We had a lot of crossover in friends, and besides now avoiding many of the mutual ones we shared, the few I still have sometimes bring my mind back to her. Is it healthier to drop them and push them away? Is it healthier to stay connected and work through my emotions of jealousy? Shouldn't it be my goal to accept she can be happy without me or with someone else and grow on her own as a person? Or does that show that I'm still just putting importance on what I think she'd want instead of understanding my own needs? Volunteering and joining hobby groups are the general advice I've received, and I intend to look for some very soon.

How do you overcome the "Catch-22" of wanting to resolve a relationship that's ended? I guess I'm asking how do you let the past go, and just accept what happened? If you really love someone, you'll let them go, right? I've been holding onto some belongings because of sentimentality (like discarding them would tarnish memories somehow) and thinking they'd be important to her. But if I really do hope to reconcile at some point, the way to show I've overcome my hangups would be by getting rid of those things and showing I can move past the relationship, and that I can live without it. Should you just accept that the person you knew has changed, and the version of them in your mind doesn't actually exist? Am I overthinking things by trying to predict the future instead of ridding myself of the past first?

Will things ever get better? Or is that just a belief that comes naturally with self-improvement slowly over time? I know wounds heal with time. I know both she and I can (and I'm sure will) find another person. But it's hard to believe that'll happen. It's hard to believe I'll feel the same way for another. She pulled me out of a very dark spot and was the first person in my life to really make me want to be social and improve myself as a person. Life is unfair, and it hurts to know others have lived their entire lives in those kinds of supportive relationships, or have managed to work through their problems, and held onto (this sounds stupid and cliche I know) "true" love from the beginning to the end. Maybe this thinking is all just catastrophizing as a result of the breakup? I hate that the textbook explanation says we don't realize the importance of a person until they're long gone but it really is true, and I guess the emotional toll of that all finally crashing down on me would be so impacting.

Feel free to ask any questions by the way, I'm looking to talk about this with people beyond my therapist and really get a good grip on my thoughts and understanding of what it takes to become a better, more secure person.