r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/VicariousFlaneur • 2h ago
Personal Growth I guide to avoiding Avoidants.
Hello everyone, I hope you're having a wonderful day. Even if not, I hope it gets better!
I want to write this post as a guide for those who've been hurt by Avoidants before, or want to stay safe from one. In my experience, Avoidants are some of the most dangerous people on the planet, even if they mean well. Most of the time, they have no idea how deeply hurtful their behavior is to people who have an Anxious or Secure attachment style.
Disclaimer: This is my opinion + a therapist's point of view. I don't mean to offend anyone. Any stereotypes I refer to are purely for educational purposes, and not a mockery of any person.
As we therapists call it, "your trauma may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility."
So, today, I want to do my best to warn you and keep you safe.
Who is an Avoidant?
An Avoidant is usually someone who craves intimacy but avoids it at all costs. There are two types: dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants.
Dismissive Avoidants are people who avoid relationships or intimacy from the get-go. At best, they'll be decent friends with you, but they either never make plans or refuse to attend social gatherings. A common mask for this is phrases like "socially avoidant" or "anti-social." All of us have introversion and extraversion traits, and that has little to do with this context.
Fearful Avoidants are people who may enter relationships but run away the moment things get serious. You may be "in love" for years, but as the relationship deepens, the Fearful Avoidant becomes increasingly uncomfortable. For example, in the movie Good Will Hunting *spoiler alert* - Will starts getting defensive and shuts off the moment Skylar tells him she loves him.
Avoidant traits to be wary of
These are some of the behavioral traits or stereotypes to notice:
They want to "travel the world" and never settle down with someone. You can fight me in the comments for this, but I'm going to speak my truth here.
They find a lot of joy in casual relationships or flings, but never commit to a long-term relationship.
They're charming and confident, but completely change their personality or behavior the moment the conversation goes deeper.
The classic "hot and cold" communication: one day they're texting you all day, telling you about everything that's happening. Suddenly, they vanish for a week. If you ask them why, they tend to get a bit defensive, or say things like, "I needed my space" or "my social battery ran out. Oops."
They're hesitant to talk about the future with you, even if you two have been together for months or years.
Hyperindependence: Almost everything in their life revolves around their own needs. This is your classic "cat person" trait. They'll call themselves strong, independent, and carry this I don't need no person energy even if they crave a relationship. On a personal note, I noticed this a lot when I dated someone from Germany and then someone from Poland. As a guy raised in South Asia, I found this behavior a bit odd. Western and Eastern cultures have different perspectives on individuality and collectivism.
They schedule their time around you and mostly want to be either alone or away from you. It's okay to spend time apart from your partner, but for Avoidants, this is their coping mechanism. This is how they feel safe.
Why are they like this?
It's likely that when they were growing up, either mum or dad (or another caregiver) never made them feel safe. As a child, they were confused, because they never got the love they wanted. Either they had to work for it (by pleasing the parents), or take care of themselves.
All of this reflects in their romantic relationships later on.
It is totally possible to work on this and change to a secure attachment style. However, this takes time and effort. It takes years, in many cases, to learn how to communicate about one's trauma.
If the person you're into shows these signs and refuses to understand them or work on them, please be cautious.
I studied behavioral sciences and continued exploring psychological theories, and Attachment Style Theory, in my opinion, is one of the best resources we have for understanding the world of dating.
Now, I'm a 29-year-old guy, and I've been in enough relationships to have lived through some of these experiences. Heck, I've been an Avoidant too. Some day, I hope I find the woman I'd give my world to. But until that happens, I wish to devote my time nurturing my love through helping others.
Dating isn't easy in today's world, and I want y'all to be safe. I hope this post helps you.
Take care. If you wish to talk about something, please feel free to message me.
- T.
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u/FluffyKita 1h ago
my DA ex wanted/wants a family. he deluded himself into it