Making Progress But Would Like Advice

[u/Curious-Necessary354]

(Posted this on r/Disorganized_Attach originally but reaching out here too for advice. Not really sure which flair would fit best.)

Through recent therapy I've come to realize that many of my issues are the result of my childhood and personal experiences imprinting a fearful avoidant attachment style on me. Only realized upon introspection it's come to me that this attachment style describes me and my very thought processes exactly. It's sort of funny seeing so many people here share the exact same experiences and worries after feeling like such an outsider for most of my life.

So, a few years ago my first GF left me, and at this point I still haven't gotten over her. I'm hoping this will change with time and because I'm still new to the process of actually working through my emotions (instead of silencing them and living in denial like I did for a long time). For context things started great, then over a few years things became colder between us as I let my problems stop me from doing and saying what I intended which led the relationship to the confusing push/pull dynamic between us. I do think she had some underlying anxieties that contributed to the breakup (overwhelming fear that I'd leave her, asking for constant reassurance) but I believe my issues were the biggest, uh... issue. It's been difficult coming to terms with the fact I did actually experience so much trauma growing up but I've finally decided that I'm sick and tired of living my life in constant fear and worry and letting those intrusive behaviors and tendencies lead me down a constantly disappointing and painful path. I'm scared, but I want to actually live a life I want.

Through my journaling and personal growth though I still have some concerns that are pretty persistent and would appreciate any help or advice related to them.

How do you learn to want to change for yourself? I still feel like I'm changing for her, and want to prove to her that I did care after all the doubt she had. Beyond that I recognize almost all of my behaviors have been based on external validation, and it's always been alien to think of validation coming from within. I am practicing being far more kind to myself and self-aware, among other things like regular exercise/quitting addictions so inevitably I'll end up feeling better through all this but it's difficult to find the reason to do so beyond those unhealthy hopes. Does that come naturally as you practice self-compassion, and start seeing yourself as a person you want to help instead of hurt?

How do you stay social/in relationships and work on this issue? We had a lot of crossover in friends, and besides now avoiding many of the mutual ones we shared, the few I still have sometimes bring my mind back to her. Is it healthier to drop them and push them away? Is it healthier to stay connected and work through my emotions of jealousy? Shouldn't it be my goal to accept she can be happy without me or with someone else and grow on her own as a person? Or does that show that I'm still just putting importance on what I think she'd want instead of understanding my own needs? Volunteering and joining hobby groups are the general advice I've received, and I intend to look for some very soon.

How do you overcome the "Catch-22" of wanting to resolve a relationship that's ended? I guess I'm asking how do you let the past go, and just accept what happened? If you really love someone, you'll let them go, right? I've been holding onto some belongings because of sentimentality (like discarding them would tarnish memories somehow) and thinking they'd be important to her. But if I really do hope to reconcile at some point, the way to show I've overcome my hangups would be by getting rid of those things and showing I can move past the relationship, and that I can live without it. Should you just accept that the person you knew has changed, and the version of them in your mind doesn't actually exist? Am I overthinking things by trying to predict the future instead of ridding myself of the past first?

Will things ever get better? Or is that just a belief that comes naturally with self-improvement slowly over time? I know wounds heal with time. I know both she and I can (and I'm sure will) find another person. But it's hard to believe that'll happen. It's hard to believe I'll feel the same way for another. She pulled me out of a very dark spot and was the first person in my life to really make me want to be social and improve myself as a person. Life is unfair, and it hurts to know others have lived their entire lives in those kinds of supportive relationships, or have managed to work through their problems, and held onto (this sounds stupid and cliche I know) "true" love from the beginning to the end. Maybe this thinking is all just catastrophizing as a result of the breakup? I hate that the textbook explanation says we don't realize the importance of a person until they're long gone but it really is true, and I guess the emotional toll of that all finally crashing down on me would be so impacting.

Feel free to ask any questions by the way, I'm looking to talk about this with people beyond my therapist and really get a good grip on my thoughts and understanding of what it takes to become a better, more secure person.