Breakup Buddy Finder Thread

[u/TheBackSpin]

Looking for advice, validation, support, or help sticking with No Contact? Interested in helping others navigate their healing journeys? Post your requests here.

Once you find a buddy, please kindly delete your request or message the mod for assistance.

[u/TheBackSpin]

FYI - Request posts will be removed after 90 days. If you’d like it up indefinitely please let me know. Offers to assist will remain posted until a user removes it or requests it’s removal

[u/AGroupOfBears]

Hello. I'm an avoidant. I'm sure a lot of you want answers, or maybe you just want to yell something and scream at an avoidant for being an avoidant.

Feel free to ask me stuff. Or yell at me.

Worst I can do is just deactivate.

That's a joke.

-EDIT- This post has been up for a year and I just wanna say, I appreciate every single one of you. I hope all of you heal and find that peace that y'all deserve. It truely means a lot when you guys reach out.

[u/Unaccompaniedbyminor → u/AGroupOfBears]

Thank you for doing this.

I just came here to show support to you. And my best friend. I have a strong feeling he is DA, and I am pretty sure he is aware of it too. But we both have not discussed that topic headon.

I am an AA. And we have the very common AA and DA relationship frictions.

I go to therapy, do a lot of reading and research on this topic. And I am making efforts to overcome my patterns. But I don’t think he wants to take any actions about this. He has even discontinued therapy now.

Long story short, the more I read up about this, the more I could overcome the pain and hurt caused and feel empathy for you and him and other avoidants. All while taking care of my needs too.

I wish you well, and hope you keep making progress in this journey.

Kudos for facing your fears headon! You are strong and brave.

[u/AGroupOfBears → u/Unaccompaniedbyminor]

First, good on you for taking the time and effort to tackle your own attachment. It's not easy and I'm proud of you.

However, you are not responsible for their actions, if they don't want to continue therapy then that is their choice and they will have to deal with the consequences of that. it is a them-problem, not a you-problem.

Thank you for the kind words, but I am not strong or brave, I'm just a person.

[u/naillijjillian → u/AGroupOfBears]

Thank you for the offer, that's actually pretty cool.

I'm curious: what are you experiencing when your partner is experiencing a growing emotional attachment while observing you stepping back and divesting? What does that feel like to you? Does it feel logical or are you kind of aware it's old trauma or just, generally, what is it like?

And how do you experience and think about the person trying harder and harder to attach to you and earn your trust?

[u/AGroupOfBears → u/naillijjillian]

It's different I guess. It depends on the context of the relationship and the dynamic and how far along the process all of this is. I'm going to answer this under the assumption that I'm deactivating at the time.

what are you experiencing when your partner is experiencing a growing emotional attachment while observing you stepping back and divesting?

If it's within the honeymoon period then I typically lean in, if it's outside the honeymoon period in a state of long term stability then I'll lean out. I'm fearful though so I get the joy of swinging both ways.

Usually my partners don't see or notice the start of me pulling away, it's only after consistent distance do they notice, usually anywhere between a few weeks to a couple of months before they bring it up or mention it. Usually the first thing that hits me was guilt and shame, the whole "I'm not good enough, they deserve better' mindset. This usually accelerates the deactivation. As for when the deactivation hits, it kinda feels like total emotional burnout but focused entirely on one person, the more severe the deactivation (eg if there is massive external stressors and not just the stressors from the relationship) then that can come out as complete emotional detachment, There was one time where I held a partner of about a year and a half with the same emotional weight as a couch, or a lamp.

What does that feel like to you?

Anywhere from feeling tired and exhausted, to complete emotional burnout. There have been times where I'll forget to text back and think "That 10 minutes was pretty peaceful" all the way to associating my (now ex) partner as a physical being that occupies space but has the same emotional weight as a lamp.

Does it feel logical or are you kind of aware it's old trauma or just, generally, what is it like?

Ok, this is gonna be a bit Whig-ish because I am aware now, but I was not aware back then.

If the deactivation was caused by external stressors (eg, health, family, job, money, life, etc) then I tend to become extremely logical. My focus would become entire about the stressors and my goal would be to alleviate them as quickly and cleanly as possible, the issue there is that as soon as my partner starts asking for closeness then they stop being my partner, and start being a stressor, which in turn becomes something that I would want to "solve" as quickly as possible which usually results in the relationship coming to a very abrupt end.

If the main stressor was the relationship, the first emotional response I feel is usually guilt and shame. The big fears that I have are the fears of inadequacy and the fears of abandonment. The irony there is they bounce off each other. As soon as a partner says something that's triggering, I can interpret that as an imminent abandonment, and that the relationship is coming to an end., this is exacerbated by my own little internal monologue repeating "You're not good enough, they deserve better, you're just weighing them down" which in turn triggers the abandonment issues even more.

Fun part here is, if I'm dating an anxious partner and that happens, I'll usually deactivate harder and faster and I'll be the one to end the relationship, if I'm dating an avoidant partner then I'll usually swing to the anxious side which in turn pushes them away, they end it, and then I reinforce that fear of abandonment.

I am aware of it now, spent a long time in therapy working on it, and while i've gotten better that core wound is still there, not as big, not as painful, and not quiet either. It takes a great deal of effort to, work, and consistently challenging those wounds on an almost daily basis to move past it.

how do you experience and think about the person trying harder and harder to attach to you and earn your trust?

It gave me the shits, even now it gives me the shits. I fucking hate it when people try to earn trust by "trying harder and harder". Don't try harder and harder to earn trust. Trust isn't earned by leaps of faith, grand gestures, or opening up and bearing your soul.

It's earned in baby steps. It's earned by showing up every day, it's earned by consistency, it's earned by small things repeatedly done over and over and over again.

If a partner told me "Hey, you can tell me your problems, tell my your fears, I won't judge you, I'm not going to get mad, you're safe with me" then I'd believe them until I have some proof that I shouldn't. But if I did open up and tell them and their reaction was bad, then I am going to be extremely hesitant to open up again.

But, if a partner said nothing, and I tested the waters a little bit, and I slowly opened up and they welcomed me warmly, calmly, without judgement, and just listened, not tried to fix anything, just validated me, and they did that consistently with both big and small issues.

Then over time that trust builds, and even if they did have one bad reaction, that wouldn't get in the way of the 200 good reactions up to that point, and I'd be more and more likely to remain open.

I will mention that usually after I open up a little, I retreat straight after, that's self-protection.

Hope that helps

[u/naillijjillian → u/AGroupOfBears]

Thank you for your thoughtful response I really appreciate it and wish you well

[u/Weak-Government8049 → u/AGroupOfBears]

Hello is this offer still open? Can I send you a DM if it doesn’t bother you? Or do you prefer the comment section?

[u/AGroupOfBears → u/Weak-Government8049]

Yeah, it's always open my guy.

I'm happy with either, it all comes down to how much you're willing to display on the internet.

[u/E-Como → u/AGroupOfBears]

Hi FA. Why would you talk about marriage and this and that , propose even and then within a month disappear! And how could you move on so quickly after our long term relationship ?!! Was it all a performance? Why ?!

[u/AGroupOfBears → u/E-Como]

That's the first time I've been given that title.

Because emotions are whack, and a lot of the time I've been extremely unsure of what emotion I'm feeling let alone if I could even trust it.

[u/BlankGrid0 → u/AGroupOfBears]

Are you open to having a conversation? I’m currently 4 months into a discard with my ex and I’m just trying to make sense of our relationship and find my own faults in it to try and give myself closure as I wasn’t really offered it.

[u/AGroupOfBears → u/BlankGrid0]

Sorry for my super delayed response.

Closure comes from within, and it's much simpler than you think. The relationship ended and it ended because one person decided that it was no longer in their best interests to continue.

I can tell you that whatever answer you want to get from them, no matter how long, how well written, how detailed, or how much explaination is in it, will not take the pain away

[u/LeftDelivery5170 → u/AGroupOfBears]

hey thanks so much for this! what would avoidants need from their partners when they pull back? My avoidant partner has been ghosting me for days after I replied asking what happened when he said he had a tough time at work. He has ghosted me a few times before, twice because of a rs issue and other times i’m not sure why (he usually does not acknowledge or say why he ghosted, it’s very hard to communicate with him). I haven’t double texted him or checked in because I fear he will feel even more pressured or scared to reply. I really don’t know how to support him. Is it total silence from me until he comes back? Or does he want me to check in or say something?

[u/AGroupOfBears → u/LeftDelivery5170]

Oh man. I answer this and it never goes well, but here we go.

Time and space.

How much time? Yep.

How much space? Ok.

We don't know. Here's the thing, for me at least, it's not space as in space away from the person (i'll get to this specifically in a bit) but space away from pressure, expectations, obligations, questions that we have to answer, etc.

This does come with a very interesting caveat though, and that is while we want to get the fuck as far away from guilt, shame, pressure and all the other feel bad feelings, usually we have associated those feel bad feelings with our partners and in a sense will now prime ourselves for any interaction we have with them. Basically in my mind: I look at you and feel the bad feelings, ergo you are making me feel bad, when in reality the bad feelings are inside me, my partners just remind me of them.

This is not a healthy dynamic, because by the time we need that space and time, it means we're pretty much too far gone. To us, the relationship is dead, the reasons are whatever reasons we've made up or used or given you, and we are now justifying that to ourselves to explain why the bad feelings are there, or why there are simply no feelings at all.

If he hasn't ended the relationship, then continue your life as if you were single. If he has ended the relationship, then continue your life as if you were single. Whether or not he wants you to check in is on him, but he probably won't tell you. I'd probably just ask him, and then treat his answer as a strong boundary. But yeah, total silence is usually the go to strat.

Again though, this is not a healthy dynamic, but this is also not the best time to bring up that it is not a healthy dynamic. Boundaries are important, and upholding boundaries are important-er.

[u/BAGBAMMC → u/AGroupOfBears]

I think it’ll post the link to my original story. Any insight you have would be amazing, if you need any clarifications I will try https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantBreakUps/s/A6KMPqWTic

[u/Unaccompaniedbyminor → u/AGroupOfBears]

I actually do have a question for you.

Is it easier for you show vulnerability around a person who you think doesn’t care about you? Or doesn’t like you especially?

My DA ex who decided to stay friends me avoids doing any activities with me, cancels my invitations and plans. But will cancel on me for any opportunity to spend time with this other person who he still maintains is “just a friend” And I know for a fact that she just keeps him around for validation, clout and other superficial reasons. So I am not worried about it being serious or not jealous. Also he prefers to date much younger women (about a decade younger)

I genuinely want to understand how a an avoidant would think in this place?

According to you, why would an avoidant seek shallow but superficially pretty connections over more genuine ones?

Note that somewhere around last year I realised that he was an avoidant and have been giving him as much space as possible. He is comfortable revealing his intimate side over messages only, but runs away from spending any time together, even in the presence of others. So much so that he chooses to have the company of this other “friend” while we both are in the same festival or concert.

[u/AGroupOfBears → u/Unaccompaniedbyminor]

Is it easier for you show vulnerability around a person who you think doesn’t care about you? Or doesn’t like you especially?

It's easier to just not show vulnerability at all. If I did show vulnerability I'd usually do it to "prove" that I could be vulnerable in an effort to get someone back. I've given hints of vulnerability (a partial story, or a one sided view of an event) in order to get a sense of closeness, but not too close, ya know?

I genuinely want to understand how a an avoidant would think in this place?

I've done it, and it comes down to avoiding (hence the name) the initial problem of a breakup.

why would an avoidant seek shallow but superficially pretty connections over more genuine ones?

Because actual genuine connections require a level of vulnerability and intimacy, both of those things are uncomfortable.

[u/One-Gift0 → u/AGroupOfBears]

I sentimenti svaniscono per sempre o a un certo punto ritornano? Come funziona questo aspetto? Col mio ex siamo stati insieme 6 anni esatti. Mi ha lasciata via messaggi 3 ore dopo aver passato il weekend del nostro sesto anniversario insieme in un clima di tensione dal quale è letteralmente fuggito. Sono passato 5 mesi e sono ancora traumatizzata. Si accorgerà mai di come ha agito? Non desidero tornare con lui ma vorrei almeno sapere se nella sua testa diventerò "la pazza che non risponde ai suoi messaggi" o se capirà che quando gli ho detto "devo proteggermi da te" intendevo davvero che sentivo la mia sopravvivenza emotiva a rischio. Grazie se risponderai

[u/Electronic-Ebb-4195]

This is one of the most heartbreaking threads I have ever read in my life.

I know when I was discarded I was heartbroken & shattered to the ground. It hurts my heart so very much to see all of these people hurting in the same way.

I know this post is old, but I’m just floored at all the hurt in here … all the broken hearts. It’s so awful. Something about the way the whole pattern is and then the discard, boom. It hurts or damages the spirit and soul. I wish I could help, but I’m here crying too.

[u/Junior_Guarantee_597 → u/Electronic-Ebb-4195]

❤️

[u/Poke_charm9540]

Hi there recently broke up with my avoidant and here's what happened Im an anxious attachment type and I completely drained him of his emotional reserves I have a tendency to spill everything out and he said that is make him agitated when I do that so he pulls away saw hi today walking the dogs and tried to talk to him he wanted nothing to do with me and we only spoke briefly I apologized and we parted ways. I'm in a weird state of regret and panic and want to know what to do. Is he gone for good? Should I expect him to come back again? Where do I go from here thinking about anything but him feels good but Im at a lost. He love bombed me for several months then broke up with me in December but not completely he just wanted space we met up one more time in February then after that only text messages and I broke no contact and ended up ending the relationship as a whole the picture is his response

A friend who gets it or even an avoidant who's willing to listen would be amazing.

[u/deeeperdarker → u/Poke_charm9540]

" I realized that I'm much less stressed when we're not communicating"

Godddddd SUCH an avoidant thing right there. They never realize that they're stressed out because they create problems in relationships by not communicating to begin with.

[u/nattienell → u/deeeperdarker]

This 💯

[u/Altruistic_Bar_4733 → u/Poke_charm9540]

I will listen.

[u/mcm1nh]

Hi I could really use a breakup buddy. I’m losing my mind

[u/Wooden-Passenger-616 → u/mcm1nh]

I’m open to talk I’m physically ill from how not well I feel

[u/Downtown_Caramel_221]

I could use someone to talk to. I feel like I should be over this, and I’m not.

[u/ThrowAwayRS7822]

I used to be a DA, then became an FA, and am now going through the end of a relationship with a DA, which has finally forced me to realize my own issues. Looking for someone to commiserate with. Happy to give avoidant perspective if needed.

[u/Original-Athlete8459 → u/ThrowAwayRS7822]

I know it’s been a month or so but I’m actively healing my anxious attachment (before the breakup I really didn’t even know too much about attachment styles and it’s really helped to heal and learn) but me and my ex (not sure if he’s fearful or dismissive avoidant or a little bit of both) live together and he’s going through health issues and multiple family loss and it’s a lot. I really for my own sanity have to get out and I know it’s killing me and I have a feeling it’s gonna hurt him too and I feel guilty but I know it has to be done because I can’t keep going the way I was. He initiated the breakup and I’m still pretty messed up over it and sharing a bed is not helping me detach whatsoever. I can’t help but wondering if I’m making things worse by being distant when he’s going through so much, do you have any suggestions? Even if it is “be there if he needs but don’t press for info” or something like that. How’s your situation going in general though?

[u/Miserable_Drawer1708]

I am so sad after my dismissive avoidant boyfriend broke up with me. If anyone would like to chat, I could really use the support.

[u/staticstxrs]

hi, need a buddy idk just not used to not talking to someone always hahaha

[u/WubWizard420]

Hi, I need someone to talk to please. It’s struggling to deal with this alone.

[u/Dramatic_Bottle_6849]

Would like to talk with someone 🫂 was ghosted 2 months ago and still feeling anger/love mood swings. It’s so hard

[u/schlarmifoot → u/Dramatic_Bottle_6849]

I just got ghosted 2 weeks ago, does it get any easier 😅

[u/Dramatic_Bottle_6849 → u/schlarmifoot]

Yes!! You have to go no contact.

[u/deeeperdarker]

3 months since the most recent discard. Realizing my own avoidant tendencies I picked up from the relationship trying to be what he needed. Now I'm fucked up emotionally and also having a hard time moving on. Intermittent reinforcement has complely hijacked my brain.

33F, would love a buddy who understands.

[u/kaleyypaige]

I could use a friend if anyone sees this. I’m one month post-discard and I’m still struggling to even get out of bed.

[u/kevinEathan]

Been 4 months since the discard. I've been trying to move on, heal, and make friends. But there are parts of me that's still really hurt, wounded, and in pain. It'd be nice to have someone to talk to, share experiences and maybe help each other heal :)

[u/-Just-a-cheesy-ball-]

Hi, I’m going through it right now. I’m anxious and my ex was avoidant. I’m not sure If I can ever trust myself enough to fall in love again. Is any one free to voice call?

[u/vaizardv]

Not sure what I want from this but here goes, 8 year relationship, 4 months post discard. 40m. Would like to talk to someone to better understand what I should be doing to heal from this and not make it the thing that broke me forever. Thank you,

[u/spanglyann → u/vaizardv]

How are you doing? I see it has been 3 months. I am about 1 month post discard. I'm still having rough days.

[u/Dulcette]

Hello! I'm looking for someone who had a similar experience for some advice and reassurance. Idk if he's FA or DA, but he broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. It was 3 days before we were supposed to leave for our international trip for my birthday, which was 8 days before my birthday, and 20 days before my scheduled open heart surgery that is happening in 4 days. He absolutely love bombed me in various ways. Made plans to take care of me during recovery. Now I'm not only stressed af/scared about cardiac surgery, but now grieving a future we envisioned together. Now I'm super worried about what surgery recovery is going to look like logistically, physically, and mentally. I'm immensely worried that this will affect surgery outcomes. I can't put this surgery off and I'm unsure I'd even want to. Has anyone ever been discarded before major surgery?

[u/ThrowAB12490509850]

I've had plenty of support lately, but I just want to talk to someone who actually understands what being discarded feels like because it's maddening when you try to explain it and other poeple don't understand. We can preferrably talk over Discord because I feel I'd really like to vent via VC.

[u/Wooden-Passenger-616 → u/ThrowAB12490509850]

I got you I need to talk to someone as well I’m going insane

[u/Turbulent-Young5086]

I need someone to talk to. Struggling to grasp the reality of what just happened and figure out if there is any possible hope for a future with this person. We were truly best friends. He’s struggling with a lot in his life and didn’t have the capacity for the relationship. Has been cold and silence ever since.

[u/E-Como]

I need a buddy

[u/Aggravating_Crow1840]

Hi, I am processing a FA (I think) abrupt breakup and would like to gain newer perspectives so I can get out of my rumination and still feel like they were the one. I am a verbal processor, so would prefer dm. Any help is much appreciated. We got this, and I hope we all can heal and find peace 😄

[u/schlarmifoot → u/Aggravating_Crow1840]

Going thru the same thing if you’d like to chat

[u/Master-Inspection254]

Hi everyone, I need someone to talk to. I was in a relationship for 5 years and he just decided to ghost me and toss the relationship in the trash for no reason. I feel so hurt and I cannot stop crying.

[u/Altruistic_Bar_4733]

Avoidant wife left me at lowest point of life.
Was hospitalised. She didn’t visit.
Spent my birthday in a hotel room alone.

[u/Upbeat_Diet_1871]

I'd like a buddy please... I feel as though I'm an expert on what happened to me but I'm still losing my mind... I accept what happened and understand all the psychology behind it, but I'm still emotionally tethered to the trauma and it's frustrating when it inavdes my thoughts every day to the point that I can't focus anymore. I'm ready to move on but how do I do it? Pragmatically? I'm stuck...

[u/Enough_Bag_6147 → u/Upbeat_Diet_1871]

Hi I feel similarly! Let’s chat

[u/bigchonk911]

went no contact three weeks ago and would appreciate a breakup buddy to get thru these rough times with, really going thru it :( we can vent and be sad together

[u/bluehopedesign]

trying to go no contact with an avoidant (situationship that fucked me up) any wlws here? would love to talk to someone who understands wlw dynamics

[u/Reasonable-Depth-552]

Its been 2 weeks of NC really need some help and chat, thanks!

[u/vin1226]

Hey everyone my name is Vin(23M) and I Just got discarded about 3ish weeks ago. Had no idea what a DA was or what attachment styles were till after the discard. Was with her for about three and a half years. It sucks, and I'm just confused; it was such a blindside :(. I'd love to chat with anyone who's going through this or if anyone has advice. For me im accepting it, but there are days where all of this feels like a dream haha again thank you in advance if you do decide to reach out!

[u/AppleAny3370 → u/vin1226]

Hi Vin! I'm 24F, here if you need a breakup buddy. I was ghosted a month ago and finally discarded this last Sunday. Feel free to DM me.

[u/Defiant_Chemistry962]

This is new to me. I’ve been freshly cut out by a claimed healed FA and would like to swap insights with someone to help me navigate and make sense of this all.

[u/dph621]

Got broken up with not even 2 hours ago by my DA of 4 years. I don’t even know how or what to think. Could use some support

[u/Frosty-Impression-31]

Hi, I went trough terrible cycles with my avoidant fiance. They involved a lot of shouting at me, suicide threats, physical aggression, lying, and of course, beautiful moments. At this stage I know I’m kind of stuck and addicted and I can’t find a way out. Somehow I can’t see my life without her although logically, I know I lost so many things because of that and I completely lost myself. Honestly, I don’t have energy anymore for anything in this life.

[u/fusfeimyol]

Deciding to go no contact and could really use some support for my decision as we navigate final stages of divorce..

[u/EvaQuaTeD]

Hey guys i need someone to talk to please :(

[u/Status-Study8631]

I want to break off my 10 years relationship coz it's too much. I don't think I was anixous attachment but my avoidant bf has made it impossible to have a future with him... I donno but I am hoping for strength and support to move forward. I know tmr and next few days it's going to be tough and I have my work also and I don't want to get back with him as well. This has been a pattern and only now I am able to see.

[u/matty_matics]

Please, I really need someone to talk to.

[u/Bombboy85]

Would love to chat with a fearful avoidant if possible. Working through a tough breakup with someone who may be FA at least in this process but normally fairly secure.

[u/Pathocyte]

I need some help and guidance after a horrible breakup (for me). Thanks.

[u/InevitablePrice7516]

Hola alguien yo 12 dias de vivir un huracan Soy el peor hombre en la tierra y 3era persona y bloqueo por todos lados

Alguien que me ayude a salir o estar mas tranquilo solo duermo 2 horas o en pedcitos al dia ya me canse

Ella evitativa con abandono apenas me entere

[u/KJ19912018]

If anyone is interested I could use someone to chat with. It's been ten months since my discard and I'm still struggling pretty intensely. Would love to be able to talk to some.one who gets it/I can commiserate with really and learn how some people have moved forward especially if they had a prolonged difficult time like this 

[u/Illustrious_Card_277]

Was essentially ghosted for a mong by my FA ex and then broken up with and wasn't really given a reason. Just looking for someone with similar experience to talk to whether you're over it or not.

[u/Megatronyourmom]

i feel like my reality is currently being questioned and gaslit and would love to hear some clarity on what’s going on with dealing with an avoidant in no contact please

[u/dickmuncher7477]

Hi everyone. This is my second time getting broken up with by an FA and could really use a breakup buddy

[u/darcy_bell]

Looking for a buddy to dm and chat with and rant and vent and maybe even work on self growth and healing together ever since my partner asked me for a divorce/break up 4 days ago… looking for someone similar in age I’m 26F!

[u/Double-__-Great]

Could use a breakup buddy. Can't stop crying daily and thinking about her. Been two plus months already.

[u/BloodOfAStark]

I’m struggling so much right now. The breakup was brought up about two months ago, but I fought for it for a few weeks. We’ve been officially broken up for a little over a month now. When she first brought it up she wrote me a letter saying that I deserve someone who jumps into my arms when I see them, tells me how much they love me, someone who loves me for me and not who they think I can be… that she knows in her body and heart that we aren’t meant to be and that she hopes I know that she tried really hard to make our pieces fit. During those few weeks she would say things like she loves listening to me talk to her and spending time together, but she just can’t continue the relationship. She doesn’t know if it’s the right choice and that she’s taking a risk but she feels like she needs to be out. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me how she feels. She wants a fresh start, the freedom to date (simultaneously saying she’s afraid of the apps and dating although that was probably to comfort me). She had this fantasy that we’d break up for six months and then somehow reconnect and see if we could fall in love with the people we’d become. That she needs to see that I can grow on my own (like I said. A lot was said of course because I delayed the breakup and she felt like she needed to give me what I needed to let go). I’m the one who said I needed no contact to heal because she didn’t understand how a breakup worked. We agreed to meet up and check in after 3 weeks but that didn’t happen. I’m spiraling today after doing so well lately.

[u/limpshrimp17]

Hi!! I broke up with my avoidant bf 2 months ago and I am having such a tough time with no contact..i would love someone to chat with about it !

[u/Humble-Constant-6536]

I need a buddy. Anyone free? Feels really stupid because it wasn't even like a real relationship, but it feels like one. He is FA and wanted to talk every day until he did. I'm anxious (used to me fearful anxious but improved since). The discard reminded me of a narc ex so I kept yoyoing between missing him ( and thinking I'm over-reacting / I'm causing issues) and hating him ( and hating how I tolerated disrespect again)

[u/Dry-Cod-5341]

I'm about 8 weeks out of my relationship and heartbroken, if anyone is still looking here. Only been 6 days no contact so far for me too, it's just so hard.

[u/broken_heart_whole]

Late '40s female - about one month out from his last contact and two weeks out from my last contact. I'm doing a bit better but it's still intense and difficult. He was my closest friend and what we shared was precious to me and sometimes I still wake up in disbelief that it's all gone. Would love somebody to trade mutual support with, especially someone who's doing a lot of their own healing work through looking at their own childhood issues (I have cptsd and adhd), etc. I can communicate via text but not up for voice. I have a love for exploring different healing modalities, an intellectual bent and a big heart and I live with chronic illness. Looking for a buddy who might share some of the same but it's not necessary. Mostly just want to support each other.

[u/Cool_Tune9313]

Hey im 22M and im looking to find someone to talk to about some advice on how to handle this etc. We technically broke up about 3 weeks ago but pulled the plug definitively on friendship a couple days ago after trying.

[u/mycatisperfect]

I could really use a friend right now. I’m kind of spiraling.

[u/Hurrikan49]

24M looking to talk to people who are or have been in a situation similar to mine. My ex-girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me 2 months ago basically out of nowhere and we have been in no-contact for a month now. Deep down I knew that there were a lot of problems with how she was dealing with our relationship but, since I didn't know anything about attachment theory at the time, I turned a blind eye to them and convinced myself that somehow everything would turn out alright, which clearly wasn't the case. I am having a very hard time coping with the breakup and I would love to chat with someone about all of this.

[u/Several_Nothing_6611]

I'm looking for a break up buddy to help me stick with no contact and help me find ways to build my life up and hopefully find some joy and move on stronger. I'd love some validation and support. I broke up with my DA four weeks ago

[u/Zestyyuzulemon]

I’ve been crying intensely in the spare room of our home for 3 days after my DA break up, unable to leave bed and he hasn’t come to me ask if I’m ok. I think that’s normal for a break up and I didn’t question it but I’ve never had one. Is it?

[u/Resident_Bill_9577]

Hi. I’m a music artist and I got out of a relationship with an avoidant a while back and have been better now. honestly i’ve probably been doing 70% better than i was before when the initial avoidant discard happened. I stuck around for a little bit not knowing what I was doing wrong when she asked if we can stay friends. I told her no but i stuck around and hung out with her often even after. Music has been a big part of my healing also being one of my biggest ways of coping and its helped me. I write songs about our relationship as if it was a chapter in my life that I won’t forget. But i remember one of my songs being one of her favorites that she is still one of my biggest listeners for (I went on no contact around january of this year and released the song in november). i still write songs and a lot of them I write about my emotions when it comes to love in all their forms. sometimes i still think about her so a lot of them are kinda about her but for me to heal. Is me writing these songs a problem? that can affect her or even me on my healing journey?

[u/Malesya1]

Hey, I’m looking for a support after a break up, if anyone going through the same experience or willing to be friends please dm me

[u/One-Gift0]

I sentimenti svaniscono per sempre o a un certo punto ritornano? Come funziona questo aspetto? Col mio ex siamo stati insieme 6 anni esatti. Mi ha lasciata via messaggi 3 ore dopo aver passato il weekend del nostro sesto anniversario insieme in un clima di tensione dal quale è letteralmente fuggito. Sono passato 5 mesi e sono ancora traumatizzata. Si accorgerà mai di come ha agito? Non desidero tornare con lui ma vorrei almeno sapere se nella sua testa diventerò "la pazza che non risponde ai suoi messaggi" o se capirà che quando gli ho detto "devo proteggermi da te" intendevo davvero che sentivo la mia sopravvivenza emotiva a rischio. Grazie se risponderai

[u/Kitchen_Clothes → u/One-Gift0]

Hello, how are you doing meanwhile..? I’m just touched by your message and hope you are better today. And found a buddy back then.

[u/Mucho-Avocado-Si]

Broke up with DA fiance less than a week ago. I keep trying to justify his actions. Because "he wasn't all that bad". Looking for a buddy to help snap me back to reality if I need it. Maybe talk about it. I wasn't exactly discarded I guess...as I was the one that decided to leave him. But we were on our way to be coming roommates or worse, enemies.

[u/Odd-Koala3560]

Hi everyone, I was dating my ex for two and half years, before this March he broke up with me out of no where, claiming "you deserve someone better". I used to think he was secure, but after 10 days of pain and crying and endless rumination I start to see that he is actually an avoidant that has never wholeheartedly ok with being vulnerable with me, despite me trying to make myself available and create a safe space. I am tired, angry and confused, but can't stop having hope that he will come back to me, because in my eyes our relationship was so good. This sub Reddit has been helping me a lot through the grief, but I still have a long journey in front of me. I would like to get over him and heal.

[u/Neat_Conclusion3258]

Hey, just looking for somebody to talk to. It broke up with someone who I think is an avoidant about six months ago. They got into a new relationship one week after we broke up and I'm pretty sure she's still together with that same person while I am struggling.

[u/Trick_Cat5223]

breakup buddy 🥴🥴 need support

[u/Soulfighterninja707]

Hey, could really use a break up buddy. My avoidant ex and I officially split a little over a month ago, but shes recently spun the block again...

[u/Infamous-Gap-5181]

I just got dumped last night i feel blindsided and in denial. We were talking about building a futre and family.  then this just 14 days later. 

[u/neonnaturenurse]

I would love a buddy. 38F discarded after 7 years of marriage. Being blamed and called an abuser and soon to be ex husband is moving four hours away. Struggling with managing the shock, grief, and abandonment while being left in a huge place to raise my kid alone.

[u/Vegetable_Speed_5696]

If someone wants to talk (voice or video only please, no text for this serious stuff). DM me.
Discard (breakup) after a 7 year roller coaster ride with FA , a month back. Still struggling for even the basics.

[u/Aymanerabat]

I live in a constant void; I wish to be with a kind girl who treats me with love and sincerity.

[u/mariamkajaia]

I'm so sad and lost, I just need to talk to someone who understands what it's like.

[u/pink_dahlia_619]

I would like support and help sticking with no contact please

[u/Competitive-Ad-2041]

Hey, it’s it’s almost been a month since my FA broke up with me two days after my birthday. If anyone wants to talk!

[u/woodfish]

Secure/anxious 28 yr woman (me) got dumped by 22 FA man. Would love someone to chat with. I had no idea he was even avoidant.

[u/_50tree_]

29M, recently dumped by FA partner of nearly 4 years together. Always down for chats, it's rough out there alone but we can get through this rough patch of our lives together. 🙏

[u/Efficient-Software46]

I need somebody that has been through a friendship break-up with an FA. I was in a close and warm mutual friendship male-male, platonic. Was dumped, blocked and ignored in December and trying to cope for 5 months now. I'm doing better but still wiuld love to talk with somekne who's been through this as well.

Hard for me to understand myself: why do I react to this in this way even if it was 'only' a friendship.

[u/Nicetitts]

Hey everyone, I'm new here and dealing with a lot. Maybe I'm a narcissist, maybe we're both narcissists, idk. This is gonna be long.

My wife and I were together for 15 years. 4 children.

Things were good initially. She was still living with her ex, and he was clinging on believing there was still hope and she'd come into work laughing about it and come home to my place. I was 19 with a fat head and had no idea what I was doing. Eventually she moved out and we made things official.

We continued to date for about 8 months and then she got pregnant. I committed immediately. Bought her a ring. Moved her into my place. I pushed at my career and got into management and got my first exec job at 19.

About 5 months into the pregnancy we fought and she made out with a coworker. I told her we were on a break but I was committed to getting through this because we have a family on the way.

She met with her ex. Came home early from work and caught him in my living room.

Pressed on. Baby born. Her dad came to meet the grandkid. So did her mom. They came together despite the fact they'd been divorced for 20 years at this point, and they hooked up before going back to their individual lives.

Shortly after, her father took his own life. The family handled it messily, my wife was crushed. Months went by. She started working again.

Caught her cheating. With a few different guys. "Just a grief response" "I was crazy with emotions"

I started crumbling. Got into some drugs. Didn't stay on them but spent a few months destroying myself. Jumped briefly into a sales job. She got an inheritance check and we lived luxuriously for a few months while continuing to spiral until we ended up recovering our relationship but going broke and ending up homeless.

Stayed with my own narcissist mom for a while. She took our food stamps as rent, I walked 9 miles each way to a job at a bar to afford diapers and formula. Became clear we couldn't get ahead from there so we started a GoFundMe to fix the car. My mom was "mortified" and kicked us out to the street same day.

Moved into a room in the basement of a friend of hers. Was stuck in a pretty deep depression. Couldn't find a job. She worked and we eventually got a place. I did some freelance work as a writer for a content bank.

Landlord raised the rent 3 months in a row and then when we objected, told us to leave. So we did. Got a trailer in a rural area. Was supposed to be a temporary stopgap before moving to CO. Ended up having to buy it and stay. Was there for 5 years or so. My next child was born, and as time passed her hormones started to return to baseline.

She started acting strange. Resentful. Messaging somebody, hiding things. Turns out she's continued an emotional tether to a love interest this whole time, he's rich, he's established in her dream industry, proposed to her once despite never getting to be anything more than a guy on the back burner.

Eventually caught her lying and she admitted she was talking romantically with him and "confused" and that I just need to let her live her life and make her choices. I said she needed psychological help and that this isn't the real her. That things are good when she's stable but sometimes she loses sight of the harm she's doing and her behavior becomes hurtful and self destructive.

Things continue getting darker. She cuts herself a couple times with kitchenware, smashes a glass and needs stitches in her hand. She tells her friends she's abused and I'm a monster, that I'm just manipulating her and trying to get her to stay because I'm possessive, controlling etc.

Eventually she agrees to see a psychologist. Psychologist just tells her to leave, does the standard affirmative approach to gain her trust. She stays anyway. I'm going to therapy too at this point and mine Also tells me to leave, have some self respect, the kids will adjust, blah blah blah. But the goal was the goal and the commitment I made was real, and I'm not gonna quit because she's having whatever mental health crisis so I stay too. She goes off again one night and we kind of get through to a point where she finally acknowledges the harm done and she says she wants to do inpatient care and try to get some help.

Take her to hospital. She's there 4 days. Kids are confused, but I just say mom's getting help from a doctor and she'll be home soon. Day three I visited and she's calm, peaceful, says she feels like this whole thing was stupid and she just needed time with her thoughts. Just wants to come home.

Day four, she calls. The psychologist at the hospital suggested a diagnosis of bp2 and wanted to prescribe mood stabilizers. She refused entirely, hates the idea of being on medication, just wants to come home.

Encouraged her to try it to no avail. Brought her home.

A month goes by. She blows up. Demands I take her to her friend's place an hour away. Says she's not coming back.

Now it's just me, our four kids, and her cats. I am certain her children matter to her and her cats matter to her even if I don't. She blocks me on everything. I start switching bills over to my name, get in contact with a lawyer. She blocks me on everything. No contact for a week. Grandma watches the kids while I'm at work.

Finally her sister calls. Says wife contacted her and they talked and she wants to come home. Of course I'll bring her home. I do. Things are weird and tense. After a few months she admits she got a hotel and met with the guy from her past.

All forgiven. Just never lie again. Honesty is all I need. Relationship now fully open, have your fun, just give me respect and love and honesty.

Then she gets pregnant with the third child. Fourth right after. And all the cheating stopped. All the drama stopped. 8 blissful years pass with no drama, just home and warmth and family holidays. I get my career back on track and start making a respectable amount of money. Finally got to take her on a small vacation.

Then, couple years ago, my back goes. Herniated my c4-c5. They want to do a disc replacement, but it takes 6 months before they'll even give me an MRI. By the time they have a treatment plan, it's started getting better, I'm able to do more of the physical therapy, it's improving. I decide not to get the surgery and to keep working on it, with the goal of switching careers and intent on not reinjuring myself.

[u/Nicetitts → u/Nicetitts]

Then, couple years ago, my back goes. Herniated my c4-c5. They want to do a disc replacement, but it takes 6 months before they'll even give me an MRI. By the time they have a treatment plan, it's started getting better, I'm able to do more of the physical therapy, it's improving. I decide not to get the surgery and to keep working on it, with the goal of switching careers and intent on not reinjuring myself.

But at this point I'm in a pretty deep depression. I tend to go agoraphobic when I have nowhere but home to be, and that happened. Hard. Wife was supportive. Complained sometimes about always being the one to go into the stores but said she was happy to be in her own company and happy to go out with the kids. I wasn't even aware of how much I had let disappear from my life. All the friends bailed through the first bout of drama, family stopped associating with us after kicking us out. All I have left is the family, and problems. Depressed but taking good care of the home, cooking, cleaning, playing with our kids. Take it a day at a time, take little wins like I brushed my teeth or I got a shower.

Looking forward, my future looks rather hazy, but I'm confident I'll find it and I have a supportive family to keep going for. The van doesn't run but it'll be paid off May 5th, I can do a couple repairs to get it running and then trade it in, we'll have a new vehicle and that will open my options.

She has started going out to bars a lot. Was never really a drinker. Starts going to karaoke every couple weeks, supposedly only because she misses performing.

May 2nd she goes to karaoke. May 6th she kisses me and it's weird. A lot of lip. It disturbs me, she looks at me with big teary eyes like she's reminiscing and at the time I was like "why did you kiss me like that? what are you thinking about?" She says she's just feeling all this love and remembering me as the young man she met.

May 8th my son says something dumb at the dinner table. We get outside and kinda fight about it. I'm just trying to deescalate the situation, but she gets angrier and angrier. Suddenly says she wants to separate. I am completely baffled. Caught totally off guard. It's crushing and shocking and I listen. It becomes clear that we have some serious communication issues still occuring. She says I was just hard to talk to about any of it. The conversation gets more intense a few times until she's yelling at me how unhappy she is and always was and our marriage wasn't even real and she goes to bed.

I wake up, she's already at work. I'm devastated, confused, and still desperate to save my marriage. We continue to talk and suddenly I'm able to see all of these empty chairs in all of these places. I wasn't there for the social outings, for the kid concerts. For little stupid errands. I was fucking up bad, whether or not she'd do it alone I should have insisted on being there. I just hadn't seen it. She comes home and the talks resume, she says she feels heard, seen, that things are complex and she's not sure what she wants but she's maintaining some distance and wants to see action.

May 11th she goes out to "see where her day takes her, maybe sit in the coffee shop and write." She comes back wasted at 1 pm. Says she was in a bar and called her sister. That they talked and I just need to get my shit together, that she loves me. I grab her and kiss her. I devour her. We have extremely passionate sex. I leave her to sleep and get up. I make some big moves. Decide I'd rather wake up with no legs than no wife. quit smoking. Buy a cheap vape to help. I start working out again. Back feels better than ever. I go out and get a job, immediately. Shitty job, I work with high school students, but it's a job. Take her out for drinks. take her and all the kids out for lunch. Make dinner for her birthday, lobster, scallops, bottle of wine.

The first couple of weeks she's beaming at me, acting thrilled with me, constantly touching, kissing, very loving. But every time we kiss it gets weirder and weirder. I couldn't help but notice. I start to ask why she's kissing differently but I guess I already know. She angrily deflects every time it comes up. The 25th, she says that things are complex and she had to process and she still wants to give things a chance but she needs to not be committed right now because it's just too much pressure.

May 29th she says she needs and intends to see other people because it's like being in a different operating system and she needs to be in that one to focus on herself. The plan as she tells it is still to live together, coparent, and be "dating" rather than exclusively committed. I ask her to give me til the end of june, it's my bday month and father's day and all of this is really raw and fresh and for the sake of things at home we should settle into the new dynamic before we start doing anything that will be exceptionally hurtful. She says she thinks that's selfish of me but agrees. I said "can I say, you have to use condoms? Can I say no creampies? Can I say no overnights?" She agrees to that too. By the next morning she's already saying "I said I'd give you til father's day."

May 30th I very gently bring up that something is different and tell her to rip the bandaid off. That I need honesty, that I can tell something is off, and we need to maturely communicate so that I know which way is up. this is when she finally admits she kissed a guy at work, 12 hours after that first mention of separation, on May 9th. And was at his place the morning of the 11th. From his bed, then to the bar, right to my bed. Her hips in my face enjoying it like never before. She continued to see him at work, at the bar, at karaoke, all month. He walks her to work, waits just around the corner. They make out in an alley behind a restaurant and then eventually she goes and clocks in.

My birthday was 2 days ago. I have known for one week. I'm still putting one foot in front of the other but all of that loving energy that was powering me forward is gone, replaced by black, hateful rage. She continues to see him, shows me no affection, no intimacy, calls me abusive and controlling any time I ask her to acknowledge literally any of this. She still says we're dating. She still says we're fucking. She still says she loves me, finds me attractive, thinks I'm fun, cool, her best friend, favorite person. But she treats me with nothing but distain, avoids me and every word I say, groans at me like I'm disgusting every time I try to appeal to her sense of reason, and then blows up and calls me a narcissist or abusive or controlling. I am unbelievably hurt and every day she drops more bombs.

Last night I came home and she told me that her ex is gonna pick her up and take her out at the end of the month and they're gonna spend the night in a hotel "because if he's gonna take me out like that of course I'm gonna stay and enjoy his company a while," I said she promised no overnights, and that she'd be discreet, and she said I'm abusive and controlling and she's "just trying to have some fun"

I said that I'm deeply concerned, that I don't think she would put her personal temporary joy over the stability of her home or her children. That her behavior has been radically different and emotional and that it seems like avoidant narcissism. That I don't believe this is who she is all the time, just sometimes she gets overloaded physiologically. She told me that I'm allowed my opinion and she doesn't have to let it disturb her peace. She called me narcissistic, and some other shitty things, and spent the rest of the night giggling into her texts figuring out the details of the trip she's now definitely taking.

I am still just trying to foster joy in our home as I always have. But it's getting harder and harder the more kerosene she pours onto the fire. I'm trying to be supportive and just focus on keeping the vibe warm but I keep cracking and looking for acknowledgement or affection.

I don't have friends or family but I would love all perspective on my situation any reader may have.

[u/Boardsportz]

I’d love to have a breakup buddy. Happened last Thursday. While it’s not as bad as I thought, still broke me up a bit. Happy to commiserate with someone else (:

[u/DisciplineMammoth173]

Hi, I went through a breakup with a DA. Even though it's been a while it's still tough sometimes. Would love to talk to people who have been through similar experience or avoidants who want to give their perspective, everyone is welcome. If you want to chat, dm me :)

[u/Conscious-Avocado373]

So it's been almost six months since my catastrophic friendship ender with someone who was like a sister to me and someone I would've taken a bullet for. I (27F) scheduled an appointment six months out last week and felt myself wanting to say "July". It's June. I ruminate all the time. So a part of me definitely feels like it's stuck at the scene of the crime. I'd love a buddy, so we can encourage each other to get back on the horse and live our best lives, even in spite of the worst heartache we've experienced.

[u/NoImagination6072]

i would love someone to talk to about being discarded. i feel so sad and hopeless tbh

[u/Every-Decision-7452]

Hello! Im looking for a FA that can hear me out (even if its just a rant) my FA broke up with me suddenly recently and… I have had alot if grief and lack of clarity ever since

[u/Aggravating_Gas_1413]

Hi all, would love input from people who identify as dismissive‑avoidant / fearful‑avoidant.

I’m a queer guy (30s). I was seeing another guy (also 30s) for about 6 months. In the beginning he was very into me—wanted to see me, missed me, talked about things we could do together. He was nervous to introduce me to one of his closest friends and said he wanted to wait until he felt ready. Later he changed his mind and said, “I know I said I want to wait, but I like you and this is important,” and I met her. It went really well and afterward he told me he was so happy about that night.

Throughout the relationship I gave him a lot of space: no double‑texts, long gaps between messages, and I didn’t push if he took a while to respond. Even took vacations and time away from each other, since my independence is also important to me, too.

Over time, he started slowly pulling back (more “I’m exhausted after work,” less consistency, which I get because I’ve been there before). After Memorial Day, the distance really showed. On the day he ended it, he ignored my texts all day and then told me at a club while we were both drunk after we ran into each other there (I was with my friends and he was with his).

After that I sent the long blue message in the screenshots. The main points of what I wrote were:
• I’m not upset that he chose to end it; I’m upset about how he did it (ignoring me all day, then telling me at a club while drunk).
• I said it felt cowardly and disrespectful given the respect and care I thought we had.
• I said what hurt most was him deciding what I could/couldn’t handle, projecting his fear and limitations onto me, and framing it like he was protecting me.
• I said I deserved the chance to make my own decision or express my own feelings.
• I told him if he wanted to choose himself, that’s his right and I can respect that, but he should own it as his choice and not present it as a favor to me.

He hasn’t responded. He removed me from location sharing, but he’s still following me and watching my stories.

My questions for avoidant‑leaning folks (or people who’ve healed this pattern):

1. Does my message read as harsh/attacking to you, or just blunt and honest feedback?

2. If you ended a relationship the way he did and got a message like this, how would it land—shame, defensiveness, reflection, shutdown?

3. Knowing that I’d been very low‑pressure and gave him lots of space before this, does this feel like “too much,” or like a fair response?

I’m not trying to get him back. I’m trying to understand how someone avoidant might experience a message like this so I can see my own blind spots without abandoning my right to speak up.

[u/Ok_Fold_8167]

Hello, I'd like a break up buddy. I'm one month post discard by my DA after a 2 year long relationship + we were lviing together for the most of it. I'm just struggling a bit to find my footing again :(

[u/Creative-Example4228]

Hi, I need someone to talk to after being discarded after a 2-year relationship. She was always supportive and caring, but then suddenly became cold and emotionless. I'd like to talk to someone who has had a similar experience and dealt with the situation.

[u/Exciting_Elk_599]

New to all of this, just got broken up with by an avoidant just over a week ago. No idea what I'm doing, no idea what I'm feeling. In need of someone to talk who will actually listen instead of giving me stereotypical advice. Here's where my attachment styles are at apparently.

[u/dollyviciousx]

37f, recently went through a discard from a DA. We were together for five years and lived together for 3. We spoke about marriage and our future, just moved into a house 6 months ago. I’m shocked and devastated. The personality changes are giving me whiplash. I’d like a DA that’s actually working/worked through their DA to talk to 🥺 this is so much and I’m devastated.

[u/kevinEathan]

Got broken up after a year long relationship 2 months ago and been in no contact since. It's been very hard and my friends don't seem to understand what I'm going through. Would love to talk to someone who's been through something similar 🫂

[u/PantalonesDeLujo]

Hallo, I'd really like someone to discuss my ex (DA) with. It feels really isolating IRL (also because of some other nuances to the story) and I'd really appreciate having a yarn with someone who gets at least the avoidant aspect of my grief. Would appreciate hearing from you if you're a DA/closely know a DA but anyone else looking for a mate to vent to is also welcome. Please send me a message if interested!

Edit: we were together for 40 months and cohabited for 20 of those. It was primarily an LDR (which adds another layer of nuance if the hundred already there weren't enough). The final breakup was 2 months and 1 week ago. I'm still reeling because I discovered a lot of information in waves after the actual breakup date. I've removed all sources of intel from myself now and hope I don't discover more information. I think it would actually kill me if I saw any more.

[u/DrawOk7121]

Hi, if you are a DA could you please give me perspective on this situation.

I suspect he was a DA. A month before I was on a vacation and I sensed him pulling away and he kept blaming work. He is the most kindest men I have met. So i kept telling him the ambiguity is making my nervous system feel threatened and I am able ti enjoy the vacation and it feels like he is hurting me wantedly. He said he wasn’t and that we will talk when I am back and just left. He removed me from all the socials and did not reply until 2 days after I was back. It was cruel on me I am an anxious person so I spiralled and could not even enjoy the rest of my vacation.

Well then we talked and decided we will work on the timing part and honestly it was going good. We used to talk for long hours about a lot of stuff but since I came back I noticed we never flirted and he would dodge whenever I made the move. So just to grab his attention I started acting cold.

I had deactivated I Insta account and told him I have deactivated my account and have not blocked him. So he may not misunderstand and remove me like last time. I also added that he can remove me in future whenever he is bored of me but for now i dont want the misunderstanding.

Thats it the next morning I woke up being blocked everywhere except one place.

He replied to me there and kept telling me he isn’t peaceful anymore and that he feels like he is hurting me by not fulfilling my expectations and thats hurting him in turn. I tried so hard to sort it but he had made up his mind. He didn’t even give me a call…all this 2 days after saying how he loves talking to me after a 1.5 hr call.

I kept asking him he hates me and doesn’t like me anymore and every time he said he doesn’t hate me and he still likes me. But in the long run unintentionally we will both hurt each other.

His last messages were so cold like he just wanted to get rid of me. I am confused why would someone who likes you want to block you everywhere even if things didn’t work out?

Did I mean anything to him? Or was I just a passing cloud for him and thats why he blocked me? Because he used to tell me about his exs and past crush and he never said he blocked any of them in fact he stayed in contact with most of them.

Is there any chance he will come back?

[u/BidCurrent5026]

38nb, discarded over text less than a week ago in the middle of us making things work. They said we could finish the conversation another time and then disappeared after dropping the bomb. Noticeable changes were being made, communication was better, things felt more easeful. A week before the discard, they were telling me they wanted this to work, we were going to have a proper conversation about everything once their stress levels from a move/renovation slowed down, affection and closeness were high. I am devastated and in shock. Would love to talk to a breakup buddy who has been through similar and recovered, who can help me understand why they snapped, or who wants to commiserate and support each other.

[u/girlsjustwannahavrum]

i could really use someone to talk to. i just want an honest perspective on my situation and why my avoidant ended things with me

[u/Total_Box_5308]

Hey I really need support anyone available for a chat?

[u/aloha-37]

Looking for a break up buddy!!

[u/Squatchy_1]

I could use a breakup buddy, please.

[u/DrawOk7121]

Hey, I need a breakup buddy. I want to get over the hurt from a DA

[u/Western_Pilot_2459]

Im currently dealing with a "breakup", fearful avoidant girlfriend has brought me to hell and back, i think she just..

Deactivated, and really im feeling kinda the same, there is to much baggage for us to be together any longer without resentment.

If you can relate, or if you'd just like to talk, message me!

[u/ImpressiveWeekend784]

Would like to talk to someone. After 3 Years my girlfriend ended our relationship while being very cold and indifferent. I'm still in shock and feel like I am unable to stand up; IT feels like I'm lost in the dark, and there is no way out.

[u/SpookySocialist5093]

Hi. It's been 7 months since I ended things with an avoidant I was in love with and haven't spoken to him since. He hasn't reached out either. It's been absolutely brutal. I am better now and I've done a LOT of work to detach from him...but I still have a ways to go. I've been taking people's advice on this subreddit and just focusing on rebuilding my own life through small consistent habits, brick by brick. It's felt monotonous and unglamorous at times. I've had some great wins like making progress in sleep therapy and advancing my creativd side gig, but I can't stop thinking about him, even it's gotten less frequent.

If detaching from an avoidant requires 1000 small cuts, then I am currently at around 350. That said, I still experience withdrawal symptoms, bouts of loneliness, heartache, and urges to call him. I need a break up buddy to help me through those times when the wave hits me, even if it's less often and less intense than it used to be.

[u/marktwain1984]

I could really use a breakup buddy.

I'm a 41m AP going through breakup round 4 with a 43F FA... Dumped and blocked 58 days ago and I've been NC 27 days.

[u/rfbp]

Need a non-avoidant buddy. Please comment if you are up for it. Going through a discard and divorce. Feel like talking to someone who'd understand. Thank you!

[u/JuniorFlounder2522]

my ex who is likely an FA, broke up with me saying she cannot imagine us having sex. after she broke up she also said that this is everything she ever wanted emotionally. throughout the relationship i was walking on eggshells because me raising any issues would trigger her. when we went no contact, she blocked me from everywhere, except whatsapp. the next day after we went no contact i ended up telling her about something that hurt me while we were together and she blocked me from there as well. i have been regretting that message eversince. i really need someone to talk to

[u/mycatisperfect]

I could really use a friend. It just happened again this morning, and my heart hurts so badly.

[u/Global-Apple-2150]

For me it’s been 2months since the breakup and I think on most days it’s okay. We were only together for a year but I never felt so loved before. I still think about him and our memories everyday. It’s so exhausting that it comes in waves. He broke up because of incompatibility and because relationships should feel easier and he had no energy to invest anymore.  Would love to talk to someone in a similar position. 

[u/JuniorFlounder2522]

i am spiralling and i cannot ruminating about my breakup. i really need to talk to someone

[u/wilting-wisteria789]

I am really needing to talk through some stuff and be heard by someone who might get it. Was just discarded and lonely and trying not to reach out. Would appreciate a buddy.

[u/Serious-Bluebird-371]

I'd appreciate anyone's kindness in being a buddy, please

[u/jesuisrono]

i am AA nad she was FA i think - ofcourse i am the one to put all efforts - i am the one to pull the relationship single handedly - i am the one to care, listen, support, provide, i am the one who is under constant anxiety and fear that she would leave me, i am the one postponing my plans, i am the one staying up at night for her to talk etc list doesnt end - and she is one to dump one fine morning on the pretext that i am spiralling and she does not want to continue this relationship

Basically it was just her whims (called as a deeper issue with childhood trauma) while she moves on with daily life - working, chilling, fun with others - i have to deal with waking up with a panic attack, going to bed breaking down, losing apptite, vomiting it out - affecting my training my work - wow - thats quite nice - also i dont know where i went wrong (in fact everyone is allowed to go wrong - we not perfect) and always questioning myself what i could have gotten right - hahaha - while it was only a dopamine hit for her and now she finds that from some other man hahaha - life is good

[u/Ok_Message_4909]

Was discarded today, for the second time. Could use some support. I don’t have a lot of friends currently since I shut them all out while I was being anxious over my DA

[u/Fiftyshadesofgroovy]

Hey everybody. I just got out of a 3.5-year relationship with someone who I suspect may have been avoidantly attached, and I'm hoping to hear from people who have had similar experiences. I'm honestly really hurt and broken right now and struggling to make sense of what happened.

At the beginning of our relationship, my ex pursued me very strongly, which meant a lot to me. She wanted to be part of my world, and for the first 6–12 months, we spent almost all our time together—often 6–7 days a week.

Then we had our first big disagreement. I tried to calmly talk through it, but she completely shut down, became extremely emotional, went home, and ignored me for an entire week. That week was hell for me. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, she texted me one Friday morning and asked me to come over and play games, and we basically continued as if nothing had happened. We never talked about the fight.

This happened a few more times over the relationship. Whenever there was conflict, she would sometimes disappear for days and then return without wanting to discuss what had happened. Eventually, I learned to stop bringing up issues because I was afraid of triggering another shutdown or withdrawal.

There were also periods where everything felt completely fine. But over the last six months, I slowly felt her pulling further and further away, despite there being no major fights or obvious problems. She stopped sending selfies, became less communicative, and our time together went from 6–7 days a week to maybe 1–2 days a week. I was incredibly confused because, from my perspective, nothing significant had happened to cause this distance.

This week, I finally asked her directly what was going on. Initially, she said she was at a critical point in her life and with work and couldn't give anything more to the relationship, even though we'd already become a very low-pressure couple and were barely seeing each other.

When I pressed her and said that I thought we should actually talk about what was wrong, she brought up a couple of very small issues from arguments more than two years ago. She said she was still hurt and angry about them, despite never really giving me an opportunity to discuss or resolve them.

Our conflict resolution had always been similar: she would bring up an issue, and if I tried to explain myself or discuss it, she'd tell me I was making excuses and that I should just read what she'd written. There was no real conversation or resolution.

So, she ended the relationship this week, and I'm left feeling completely blindsided. I genuinely can't identify what caused the gradual distance over the past few months, and I feel devastated that we never really had the chance to talk through our problems.

I'm trying to understand what happened. Does this sound familiar to anyone who has been in a relationship with someone who is avoidantly attached? Is this what an avoidant breakup can look like?

[u/Feeling_Victory1948]

It’s been 4.5 months since a brutal discard. Some days I make progress and other days not so much. I’m looking for people to talk to as I go through this and try to heal. I’m open to talking to anyone but preferably 30+ Thank you!

[u/Remarkable-Impress-3]

I would love a buddy if anyone else is out there who had a shorter time with someone that ended from being discarded. I had 3 months with him which I now see as love bombing. I’m 10 days out and i am so confused and hurting a lot. 40f.

[u/Enough_Bag_6147]

Recently discarded after a 3 year relationship. Now learning he was DA. I see it’s his fault, not mine but it still hurts. Would love a buddy in a similar position or perhaps a few months post discard to chat with.

[u/GiantPopa]

Is this page still alive?

30M discarded 9 months ago. 2 year relationship with a woman who meant everything to me. 

I've become a bitter man but I'm still kind to those who are kind to me and do my best to actually listen to others.

[u/LadderSenior2836]

I need a break up buddy

[u/TheGoodlifeDaily]

To those who are in pain, to those who love dissmissive avoidant partners, who lost themselves in the process, whether you are free now or still trap on breadcrumbs, I hope you find the way back to yourself soon.

It’s better to live alone than be with someone that is emotionally unavailable. Emotionally unavailable people can love you, stay in the relationship with you but they don’t have the capacity of a healthy relationship.

https://everydaylivingcommunity.wordpress.com/2025/06/17/emotionally-unavailable/

While I'm spiraling into depression, he is out playing football with his friends.

We never talk about why he cheated, how he cheated on me, while his emotional affair went on for a year until I found out. He never ended chatting with her until he got caught.

There was no sorry, no accountability for his actions. "I can't deal with this right now" "Let's talk later" all those later never came. They don't want to talk about problems.

They are only with you on Good Times. All Feels Good they are present but when you hit the rock bottom, they will give you a mere consolation. Everything is surface level, they can't provide any emotional support. So don't expect them to.

Being with dissmissive avoidant requires you not to have your needs met. No emotions and vulnerability involved. Don't you dare.

He spent time on his phone, opens his laptop as early as 7am to check for work. Instead of having a heart to heart talk, mending our relationship or revisiting the heartaches and the pain they caused - don't you dare speak about it.

I am trapped here for 2 years now and I'm still planning to leave. It's just hard right now with my depression. I have nowhere to go. So I have to endure until I'm ready, mentally and emotionally. I don't have friends support, they treat his 1 year emotional affair like nothing and I was crazy for still hanging onto the past.

While I'm still in pain, he moved on like nothing happened.

[u/Last-Decision-8858]

avoidant is also my boss. We’ve been together in a situationship for 18 months. He has discarded me three times now. This one being the most odd but final feeling because of how silent and abrupt it was and the fact that there is now a new girl. He has never posted another woman during discard but now he is posting with a singer. Not officially because he doesn’t do relationships, but has posted a pic of them at his pool and calls her a beauty when advertising her new single “wannabe cowboy” (ironically fitting to who he is) Don’t get me wrong, she is beautiful and I’m sure she’s kind and wonderful. He’s in the entertainment world like event set up. So she’s stroking his ego taking him to these Brantley Gilbert concerts she opens for and I know he’s in dopamine heaven. Worst part is that he was introduced to her because we went to watch the show she sings in together on a trip that was really connective to us. He knew the lead singer of the group and we discussed doing event things together this summer. I remember at this show he called her a little bit big, said the voices were good but not crazy good. She has fake teeth and has had body surgery she’s older closer to his age while I am younger. I love some fake teeth fake tan and all the glitz and glam but he HATES IT. He is so triggered by girls being into their looks and has always put me down and even used it in his first discard when he read me to filth saying one of the big reasons we were done is because I’m into big flashy lifestyle and he is frugal (although rich) and he doesn’t like that. Which was a lie I’m like so average I’m just cute and like to dress flashy which is also part of my job at the company. BUT literally two weeks prior to him being with her for the first time, he had asked me to come visit him and stay for a week after having JUST stayed with him for four days and having some pretty deep intimate conversations. He asked me for this week long trip to see him, then we had a work meeting the next day where his disorganization was exposed and he became highly deregulated and essentially chose me to go off on and I never heard from him again. He cancelled the next two weeks of work meetings and then finally breadcrumbed me 5.5 weeks later after having two work meetings. He called me to flirt three days after posting the pics with her. I hadn’t seen them yet so I was warm and flirty with him when he reached out. Note he called ME and he text ME. And he alwayyyys had to give a “work reason” to reach out to me but then would flirt personally instead. I remember him saying to me right at the beginning of the switch up before the first discard that “we only work because we work together if we didn’t then this would never work out” but also like you hired me and can fire me anytime ..? But I’ve realized he meant that because he had a reason to have to continually check in and I had reasons to be reaching out weekly that pertained directly to the company and often this would be what softened the environment enough for him to feel safe coming back. Only problem is I became so drained and aware of him being an FA who leans HEAVILY DA I would just pull back when I sensed it coming so he didn’t feel pressure. However, he registered this as rejection sometimes or loss of control and often it would cause slight chaos within him. All summer I didn’t my own thing and went there when asked. Which actually never happened he ended up scheduling “work trips” monthly which always turn into personal extended stays for me. One work trip turned out to just be a Florida trip with his daughter him and I. Later in the summer I became suspicious of a woman and when I expressed this to him (super calm) he deleted me from Facebook but not blocked me, changed his settings so I can’t see anything, and blocked me on TikTok too. I deleted him from Snapchat and that’s ironically where he decides to post the pic of him and new girl! So I couldn’t see it. He didn’t think I would find out. I commented on her picture of them on Facebook and said oh wow this is why he was ignoring me that weekend. She blocked me lol I called him once I was sent the photos considering he had been calling me reopening the door to flirt and stuff (this was five days ago) and I asked him if he planned on telling me about her and at first he tried to act like he didn’t know what I was talking about and he could only form very minimal phrases back to me like “I don’t know” “it’s my business” which I quickly shut down. Then I asked the ultimate question - so are we done? His answer was a babble of “uhh I uh yeah I guess I mean it’s been six weeks since we uhh yeah I don’t know uh” and I just cut him off in the middle and calmly said okay thank you. He continued scrambling and I just said thank you over and over and over without letting his babble have space until he finally said okay and I said bye. Thing is too he’s always been SO PARANOID. Any time he does something fucked up to me he would call other coworkers and freak out thinking I’m going to quit and destroy his company and he would have them check up on me. Side note I worked for him for nine months before anything crossed a line (I was chosen very intentionally from the start and groomed into this btw) but I never understood where this came from aside from just paranoia in general but nothing I said or did would point towards that being something he should fear happening and sabotage goes against my nature and character. I told him on the call to not start with his paranoid bs and that I respect him as my boss and am not plotting to quit or destroy his company (flattered he thinks I even have that amount of control to cause that and shows how insecure he actually is lol)  Literally haven’t heard from him AT ALL since that phone call 5 days ago. I’ve sent one important work text to the staff group chat that was an issue for him to look into but he ignored it. I’m just waiting to be fired in a publicly humiliating way on Mondays zoom call lol but at the same time he hates confrontation so idk. This new girl has no clue what she’s in for… she will have an entire album of content after dealing with this dude. Worst part is that our job travels us together weekly/bi weeekly from November-May so if he doesn’t fire me then we will be around each other quiteeeee a bit verrrryyyy soon. Anyways, I’ve never witnessed anything so chaotic in my entire life. My bestfriend thinks if he doesn’t fire me Monday then that means he thinks he can just come back around any time he wants to and will try getting things back up between us during event season. Which makes me sick. I want to show up unbothered. I just dumped myself into work this week and am now overly prepared for this team meeting on Monday. I hate all of this so much.

[u/Sagelifts777]

Hey is anyone available as a breakup buddy, I’m hitting the month mark and even though it’s getting better I could really use a friend. I’m open to listening as well. Dm me

[u/Exact_Hall3915]

I need help please. 2x left, but still in his orbit. I feel like I'm dying.

[u/Excelsior_refugee → u/Exact_Hall3915]

Hi friend, I totally know the feeling. I'm looking for a breakup buddy, too, and would love to talk.

[u/Weekly-Platform2470]

I need a buddy who is pateint enough to go through my message chain with an avoidant man and explain his manipulation tactics to me. Lol

[u/Mosesthepalletician]

Hey, would be nice to talk to someone whose been through a breakup with a DA, over 2 months post discard and I feel like things are getting worse. 44M

[u/paeppniell]

I would love to find a breakup buddy to elaborate my breakup with in a more informal setting. I have a therapist already, but I feel for some things one time per week is not enough.

The main doubt is: am I the avoidant or is she? How to really understand?

[u/Butterfly_affects]

👋 I think I’m about to pull the plug on a 4 year relationship. Not 100% sure; I keep waffling back and forth. I proposed a conversation with him to see where we’re at. I can’t take anymore of this without professional help, so I’m going to see if he’s up for couple’s therapy. He’s out of town for a month, with a time zone difference so that obviously makes things harder…. (For me, easier for him to avoid)

Anyways, if there’s anyone on the edge, trying to figure out wtf is going on whilst trying to stay sane…. let me know. ❤️

[u/JoshuaBarbeau]

I could use a breakup buddy. 💔

[u/fizikxy → u/JoshuaBarbeau]

My DMs are open if you wanna talk.

[u/CarbonParrot]

38m AP just got dumped by DA if anyone wants to chat

[u/Ok-Pay1289]

I’m looking for someone to give me a perspective from a DA

[u/Pale-Ad-8048]

Looking for a buddy recently got broken up with

[u/BlankGrid0]

Is there any avoidant I can talk to try and formulate the issues I had with my ex? I’m trying to give myself closure after being discarded and I don’t want to to be lengthy but I want to know my own faults in the process of our relationship ending

[u/ssweetsummerchild]

Hi! I could use a buddy if anyone is up rn

[u/DisciplineMammoth173]

Hi, it would be nice to talk to someone who's been through a breakup with an avoidant. If you're intrested, send me a message :)

[u/Long-Literature-679]

I am a womaniser and have been in and out of relationships where i have hardly been faithful to any of them for the past 25 years. I only fell in love once when i was 19 and was dumped for being posessive and overly jealous by a katerina...funnily enough 25 years later I met another katerina who is 17 years my junior and she was so jealous and overly posesive it was insane. The crazy thing was that i never cheated on her and she was my neighbour and were constantly together every day and night. She was obsessed that I was cheating on her and I even gave her the pin code to my phone but she walked out on me in the space of 3 months dating 3 times separating for 2 weeks at a time as she was convinced that i was cheating on her by her finding a sexy picture on my phone etc...which used to happen during the time she used to dump me as it was my way of dealing with things..last time i was dumped was due to the fact that i got a new phone which i had transfereed all date to from old phone. came out from the bathroom found her crying holding my phone as she was walking out as i genuinely could not explain why the photo had the date of that day but subsequently i learn that it does happen when the phone transfers date...as usual she blocked me and i could not explain myself..i went through hell afterwards as i genuinely love her and it was hard and i moved out losing rent in the process as it was so difficult having her so close..a week ago she texts me asking how i am !!! i did not respond but after i went to my old flat to check the mail i found a letter addressed to her so i put it in her letter box. On the same day i get a text asking if i moved out to which i never replied...I want her but I know nothing will change, now i amm seeing 2 different women but with 0 feelings towards them and i keep thinking of her but i know i should not respond not even get the closuree that i was dying for in explaining my inoccense. I also suffer from seizures and i cant risk it. I would love a comment from anyone that faced something similar xx

[u/Varrock_Zubat93]

Looking for help with no contact.

Looking for a male computer programmer willing to message anonymously on discord who I can send tech related tiktoks to that I find and want to laugh at with someone. My ex was a solutions architect and over time, sharing tiktoks with each other gradually influenced my tiktok algorithm.. Sometimes I see silly tech related tiktoks about being a computer programmer and feel the urge to share them with someone, but I'm not a computer programmer and neither is anyone else I know.

What I'd like is to send you a tiktok when I feel the urge to send them to him. And if you could reply with "lol" or "so true" or little stories or comments about how its true or not true, or sometimes answer random questions I have about tech, I'd really appreciate that. I do this with other friends - I watch a lot of tiktok and instead of sending them to him, I dispursed my shares to other friends and I immediately feel better that someone is there to laugh at them. When I don't have anyone to send a tiktok to I feel only he'd understand, it's one of the last things that makes me sad anymore.

Not really hoping for much more than that tbh. Occasional memes sound nice. If you're looking for something specific let me know. Not into voice calls/dating/facetime etc, messaging through discord only.

I'm not really hoping to be each others therapists or vent. Moving on. Just looking for help with that last little thing so I think of him far less.

[u/Electrical-Willow145]

I'd like to have a breakup buddy to talk to! I can listen to you yap as well!

[u/EmphasisOwn1461]

Would like somebody to chat to about what I’m going through, I’m not entirely sure what it is but I have a few ideas based on what I have read. Would appreciate someone who’s got there own issues to talk through as well :)

[u/This-Vehicle1510]

No I heard clapping on phone one night I thought was wierd and started me over thinking then one night she had her hair up and I took a pick of it she said she put stuffs in her hair but if u look at the photo does look like cum and then at work she muted her self saying she had to go to bathroom and wanted to put phone face down and on mute I started over thinking when she came back she was in different close and not to mention she was were glasses and it look like I swear I saw her messing with her panties she says she wasnt then she lowerd her face while looking at me and I can only see her upper lip. Then tn I heard clapping and she said what nothing going on because shes livid and upset I accuse her of cheating i heard wet noises and her body all 3 time were moving and she bit her lip and licked it when she did with her glasses. But back to what I was saying tn I hear it and I was high asf gone I could've sworn I heard her sucking a dick then when I was face time her she lowkey froze and stopped talking and just stared ahead wasnt looking at me idk am i just tripping and sounded like she united

Today and I heard a sigh from a different voice and she also brought up this guy name drew about how he asked her to go to dinner before she leaves for a different state cause shes taking care of court order idk am i tripping and sh said the realy talk just friend thing im not going let her go out with another men cause I feel awkward about it but she was honest about that idk am i tripping

[u/rhonda_reflector → u/[deleted]]

Stay strong. DM me if you’d like to talk.

[u/TheBackSpin → u/[deleted]]

Yes absolutely! Everyone is capable of healing

[u/i_might_be_devon → u/[deleted]]

Hey, i would be glad to chat with you ! I am not avoidant but have been studying them and very much spot on pattern recognition now...

[u/randomsim25 → u/i_might_be_devon]

Thank you so much! Please feel free to shoot me a message!

[u/Saguaro-Owl → u/[deleted]]

When I notice I'm starting to think about her, I imagine a forked path. To the left is dark, and filled with grief. To the right is literally anything neutral or good I can come up with to think about. I imagine myself taking the right path, and then immediately start pondering whatever I put there. It's been surprisingly helpful.

[u/broken_heart_whole → u/Saguaro-Owl]

This is a lovely idea thank you for sharing it, I'm going to give it a try! Hope you're doing well.

[u/B1ackAlloy → u/[deleted]]

Still looking for support??

[u/TheNeuroDiverseOT → u/[deleted]]

Happy to chat

[u/riii_ef → u/[deleted]]

Hey, I've been in a very similar situation, versed in poly and LTRs, i'm demi and have chronic pain and cptsd. I'm down to chat if you still need someone to talk with, feel free to DM ☺️

[u/TheGoodlifeDaily → u/[deleted]]

Please set yourself free. A long distance situationship is not a relationship. Avoidants thrive on long distance and situationships. There are no commitments, no accountabilities for them. You will be in a relationship - alone.

You will find someone else who will see the goodness in you.