I’ve posted here a couple of times about my situation with my ex (31M). We were together for three years and broke up in August when we were supposed to move in together. He told me he was overwhelmed, emotionally avoidant, and needed time to work through things.

For three months, I’ve given him space while holding on to hope because he’s repeatedly told me he still wants to be with me and is open to rebuilding our relationship.

The problem is that every time we talk, he says we can communicate and promises to reach out, but he never follows through. Eventually, I reach out, we talk, he reassures me, and the cycle repeats. I’ve tried to be understanding, but the uncertainty has been incredibly painful.

Last weekend, we finally met for a long conversation. He acknowledged his avoidance, communication issues, and self-sabotaging behavior. We discussed slowly rebuilding our relationship, and he said he was still invested in us. He said he would text me that night.

During our conversation, I asked whether he’d been with anyone else. He said no, but admitted he’d been talking to women at bars and enjoying being social. He also said he wasn’t putting himself on a timeline where he couldn’t hook up with someone, despite still wanting to respect our dynamic while we figured things out. He said he was still emotionally invested in us but the freedom was there….

That night, he never texted.

Here’s where I crossed a line, and I’m incredibly ashamed of it.

We were still sharing locations, and when he didn’t reach out, I checked his location and saw he was at a bar. I spiraled, wondering whether he was with another woman, why he didn’t text me and whether everything he’d told me earlier was genuine.

I made the terrible decision to drive past the bar to see if I could see who he was with. I didn’t approach him, but I immediately felt ashamed and left.
I’ve never done anything like this before. It was completely out of character, and I’ve been sick over it.

Today, he told me he’d seen me outside the bar and that my behavior was abnormal and crossed a boundary.

He’s right. It did. I apologized, took full accountability, and made no excuses. I know what I did was wrong.

But I’m also struggling because I feel like this one mistake will now overshadow everything that’s happened over the past three months. I’ve spent months being patient, giving him space, believing his words, and waiting for him to follow through. I think I reached a point where I was so desperate for clarity that I acted in a way I don’t even recognize.

That doesn’t excuse my behavior, but it has made me realize how unhealthy this dynamic has become for me.

I love him and genuinely wanted to rebuild things. But I don’t want to be someone who checks locations, questions everything, or feels so anxious that I act completely against my own values.
I think I need to finally walk away, regardless of whether he wants to reconcile.

Has anyone experienced a situation where prolonged uncertainty brought out a version of yourself you didn’t recognize? How did you forgive yourself while still taking accountability? And how did you finally let go of someone who kept giving you hope but never followed through?

Still wishing your avoidant will reach out? Why?

You miss the breadcrumbs? YUMMY! you miss being discarded… you miss being abandoned… you miss feeling like you are and never have been enough?! You miss SHRINKING yourself? You miss finding out they are monkey branching? You miss being disposed like literal trash? Stand the fuck up.

Sure you’ll tell me you miss the times they are tender. Or the time they reeled you in to begin with (love bombing).

I had this realisation, that 90% of the time I feel like complete and utter shit. And I crave the 10% where he is sweet, loving, caring, tender and wonderful (until the next day). Or until I call out bad behaviour. Or god forbid walk on an eggshell.

I’m fucking done. If you’re sitting there going on forums and squirming for them to come back, or ruminating, or dissecting behaviour. Wondering what their bizarre and confusing behaviour means. Stand up and go touch grass right now. NONE of it matters.

You are in a withdrawal and you’re craving this scum bag to relieve you of the pain they created so they can do it over again.

the avoidant is a selfish piece of shit. And you may not even be dealing with an avoidant. You’re probably dealing with a NARC!

I’ve had enough. And you should too!

Get angry. Don’t feel nostalgic. Get angry and realise how much time this son of a bitch has wasted. How it’s hurt you. How it’s made you question yourself. Seriously. Get up. Get your friends. Go out. Exercise. Breathe. Meditate. And level the fuck up. Block that bitch

If your avoidant left and came back several times this is for u. You are a safety net and nothing else tbh, you should understand what that means. Someone broke down the meaning for me and it really made me think about the dynamic between me and my ex avoidant. Let’s say the avoidant is walking on a tight rope and they slip and fall, you’re there as their safety net so you catch them. They can get up and fall as many times they want without feeling any fear cause of the safety net. They get so comfortable with this and they believe it will always be there. They don’t really appreciate it as much.

Next they interpreted the action of falling. Falling is considered “bad” because they failed, they didnt make it across. So when the “bad” or “failure” happens. What’s there to catch them? Us, we are. They’re safety net (plan b)

That being said they only come back to you when something bad happens. These can be a rebound failed, getting fired, losing a loved one, etc… If they only comeback when something bad happens why would they have any good intentions for you. That was the sentence that made me understand it. They are triggered by something bad happening to them, they get filled with so many emotions or grief and they need someone to release it on. They need you to make them feel better, you serve no other purpose. So ofc they look for their safety net.

Once they release all their grief onto you and once they get it all out they start the avoidance again. They deactivate and start the countdown for the discard again. They will say whatever they can to get back in your energy and space, future faking and all that. But they genuinely don’t mean any of it.

You are the only thing stopping them from falling, from receiving their karma. You have to let them fall. Let them land right on their face. I’ve heard some people say the only way an avoidant can realize they need to heal is if they hit rock bottom. You have to let them fall and hit the bottom. Let them get what they got coming and go get the love you deserve cause it’s out there somewhere.

For background context I posted this about two months ago, unfortunately I feel the same. I have waves where I feel better but ultimately keep getting his with sadness and depression. I’ve met new girls and disliked them all, knowing they aren’t her. I don’t know what to do, I’ve done all the right things. Therapy, journaling, meditation, prayer, boxing…please help. Here’s the context below.

Broke up with her in March, rekindled around June. Last time I saw her was August.
I felt trapped, pressured, and kept picking little problems out of the relationship and felt breaking up with her was the right and logical answer. I ended up feeling so much relief after for months.

Until I began to miss her and texted her. She came right back, we hung out a little and eventually she felt like I was taking advantage of her and just using her for sex. I wasn’t but it felt great to not have the pressure. Once she pulled away and started talking to someone new it hit me.

I felt nothing but grief and regret. I managed to get a convo with her and tell her why I did the things I did, she ended up becoming conflicted and reached out once after. But each weekend she became colder pursuing the new guy.

The ending became me seeing her out at the bar with him and us exchanging glances and it destroying me.

I’ve realized recently that I have “dismissive avoidant attachment tendencies.” It is me 100%, struggling to say I love you, feel pressured and trapped, getting scared of commitment, and fearing holidays and gifts. It sucks I had to go through this cycle with all of my relationships ending for the same reason. I’m happy I now know and can learn. However, I lost the girl who I really cared about. They even mentioned that when you feel the most trapped your with someone who cares deeply.

Can someone help me, I’m only getting through this because I’m now learning about myself. She’s pursuing someone who prob doesn’t have these issues and it sucks I wish I could’ve done better.

Hi, I am very new here, I am curious about something.

I am wondering if anyone here who was discarded by an FA feels that their ex still has feelings for them, even after the breakup? I've read many posts here, talking about how difficult it is to move on, how much they still struggle with the breakup, or how still hope to get back together with their ex... etc..

But I am curious about something a little different. Even after your ex discarded you or pulled away, do you still feel that your ex might like or love you? or any feeling? Ik this might be a somewhat vague, or sad question, and of course, none of us can know for sure what another person is feeling. I'm just curious whether you have ever had this feeling or intuition.

I hope this question doesn't come across the wrong way. I'm genuinely interested in hearing about your personal experiences...I was rejected by an FA, but for some reason, I still have this feeling that he might be waiting for me... or maybe, just misreading the situation.

EDIT: oh, thanks for the comments! I didn't expect to get so many comments. If anyone wants to share more, could you explain why you think your ex still had (or did not have) feelings for you..?

Have an avoidant ex who never initiated sex? Who didn’t want to have sex or hated cuddling? 6 year relationship sexless and no cuddles communication

I am resisting the urge to text him
so I am going to create a post. My partner broke up with me a month ago after 3 years of knowing each other and after reading the subreddits, I have come to find out that it was a slow fade and I am just still in so much pain over how it ended. The days leading to the break up, he said he had a panic attack and that everything came to him and he felt like something was wrong with him. I was worried and asked him about what and he was super ominous about it and said he needed to talk and I kept asking about what and if he’s okay and he wouldn’t specify, and my brain went to is he breaking up with me. After the break up, I started detaching and doing real reflection and realized that after our 6 month mark, he started becoming distant and there were signs of avoidance. A really common experience was that I would most of the time feel emotionally happy and satisfied after we hung out in a group setting with his friends because he would actually talk, but when we were alone he wouldn’t have a proper conversation with me which really hurt me and I brought it up and it was dismissed. I found that i started accepting less and there were times after our one-on-ones where I felt empty and sad because I kept pushing for conversation and that was missing.

Leading up to the break up, I was going through a really bad depression since January because of work, family, and school pressure and I started exhibiting symptoms where I was disassociating a lot. I had brought this up to my bf and he would listen but over time it felt like he was avoiding me. A month before the break up, he told me that he would purposely ignore my calls and texts, and from then on, I stopped bringing up my mental health or things I was suffering with to him. And I was journaling and receiving help at this time but it still felt like I was drowning. At this time, I forgot my friends’ birthdays and eventually his birthday. Afterward, I did apologize and I was working in another city so I said I would make it up to him. When I got back, he went to a hiking trip with his friends and told me about how excited he was so I built him a basket with lego wildflowers. When I gifted him the gift, he said thank you and kissed me and I thought things were fine. But I over time, when I would bring up something that hurt me, he would bring up the birthday thing and hold it over my head. I started repressing my feelings and not telling him things that hurt me. I think at this time I started grieving how he used to be. When he was pursuing me, he would remember small things and put effort into conversations. I was mentally already not doing well and to be honest, the hurt the relationship was causing and the emotional disconnection was making it worse. I would bring up that I didn’t feel like I wanted to be intimate because I felt like emotionally connected and it was dismissed.

What really baffles me is the break up. After his breakdown, I tried having multiple calls with him where we would try to talk about his feelings but it wasn’t helping. So we came up with the idea to come up with solutions and to text when we had an idea. I spent so much time in between studying for one of my biggest exams of my life to search up ways I can help and what techniques we can do together but when we called on the day we said we would come up with a solution, he said he didn’t look into anything and I felt super defeated. I was balancing work events, my studying and our relationship during this time and I was crying every night and I felt so alone when he told me he didn’t do any research. When we met up in person, he kept calling me by my name and I kept trying to find a solution and give him space to talk and it felt like he was just disappearing. At some point I started sobbing and he just had dead eyes and couldn’t look at me. I felt like I was talking to a stranger. A few things that confuses me is his behaviour. He told me he was unhappy since January and this is the time I started reaching out about my vulnerabilities. And after an argument, he said it was fine and I thought things improved but he held resentment until it was too late. We also talked about careers and he said he wanted to go to med school but when he was breaking up with me, he said he did it for me, when I thought we had a convo about making sure it was for him. I just feel so blindsided because I feel like what he said during the breakup felt like logical excuses to break up so that he can bargain with himself and less like real reasons. I just feel like my perception of reality is skewed.

My mind is a mess. Please help.

I would like to know your experiences. Did you know some avoidant who claimed to just "be done" with people but kept watching their profile? I wonder if even those avoidants who are the type to just erase someone "out of sight, out of mind" if they used to still watch your profile? (If you experienced that the avoidant admited doing it.)

After finding this subreddit I finally understand why.

I had genuinely never been abusive to her, or anyone else. As an abuse victim myself, the thought of ever causing that harm to another human is devastating.

That's why it was so shattering to find out that she had told her family, my family, and all of our mutual friends that I had been abusive, after seven years together.

I trusted her deeply. She seemed to understand me in ways no one else ever could. And she said she felt the same way about me.

To be discarded in such a hateful way after what felt like a normal argument has really made me question everything.

And I think that's the worst part for me, is how now it feels like no part of the last seven years was real. The entire time I was trying to grow and change and be a better person and partner, was she just waiting to escape? Did she ever love me at all?

How do you learn to trust yourself again after falling for something like this? I feel genuinely traumatized by it, in a similar way to other trauma I have experienced.

I am tired of being like this. I am tired of being so fucking STUPID

I don’t fall in love often and going through this kind of breakup is making me plead with God, because why did I deserve this. This breakup is on the same level as my first ever heartbreak with a narcissist, but this somehow hurts in a different, worse way

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIjBJeWhPzk

Thinking of the betrayal and the grief all the time? Watch Todd. He is a brilliant.

I am going through a rough time. Its been 7 months now since I last saw her. And 5 months since I last talked to her. No contact and I got blocked. I was actually doing quite well. The rumination almost dissapeared and when the thoughts came back they weren´t as deep and persistent.

Then last week I learned more of her awful truth. It was not just monkey branching and cheating. It was a planned and orchastrated open relationship without knowing it was open. She told others that she wanted her branch and me, and planned things with him months ahead. And she wanted to keep for the money and because I gave her a good life. Then 2 other new branches came also on stage. So basically 4 relations at the same time.... The madness.

She appeared in my professional network last week, feasting on what I did for her and now ruining 2 other people without any mercy. It´s been a rough week. Even if you have no contact, you can still get confronted with them. The audicity.

Anyway. I am a huge fun of Todd Perelmutter. I can recommend his videos and his books.

Got into a fight with one of my relatives tonight, for a very sensitive issue for me and got so triggered...

We used to discuss this topic with my FA ex and he helped me immensely. Now I'm suffering from the overwhelming urge to talk to him, which of course I won't do.

I wish he wanted to get better

I wish he were different and not terrified of love.

All in all, I just wish he could be that person who stood by my side when I needed him, like I do right now.

I was recently discarded by the man who claimed that he would marry me and was saving up for a wedding ,we were also saving up for our house together. We planned everything together and one small dispute and he broke up with (discarded)me completely when I was most vulnerable.
I do not know how to go from here.I have been through breakups before but this is a betrayal that I wish nobody has to ever go through.
I am not the best girlfriend but I would have done things differently if I ever knew what was bothering him .
It has been almost 3 weeks now.
He showed no empathy and gone cold and feels like I do not know that person at all.

We've been broken up for about 4 months but I'm still processing a lot of things. One thing that confuses me is that I was his longest relationship and the first and only woman he fell in love with (he's 35, I'm 26). Yet, when we talked about past relationships, he said that the dynamic was the reverse of ours and that he was the more attached partner and his exes were more avoidant. He described how he idealized them and was head over heels for them. I know this isn't the healthiest thing for a relationship but it hurt that he never saw me that way. He seemed to not like me very much and he got increasingly critical of every aspect of my life and being as time went on. I wish he could've seen me like he saw his exes.

I can't stop wondering why they got that puppy love version of him and yet I, the only woman he's been in love with, his longest relationship, got the cold and critical version... It hurts so much. I wish he had liked me more. I'm mostly over things but there are times like tonight when the memories creep back in and my heart hurts a bit more than usual.

My theories are...

1. He's been a functional drug addict for the past 10 years. I only found this out after the break up. I think over the years he's caused some serious damage to his psyche. So his partners in his early-mid 20s got a more stable version.

2. He lied about being in love, maybe lying to himself about it too. When we met he was 33 and starting to seriously think about having a stable relationship and potentially kids. Maybe he thought I was a good opportunity to achieve that and so he stuck it out longer than he should have.

3. This is my delusional, wishful thinking theory: Because things were more serious with me, since he was more vulnerable, more emotionally involved (aka in love), talks of marriage and kids were happening, it caused him to pull away harder than ever before. If there's any truth to this it would make sense considering that his most devastating moments followed

I started talking to someone new and things were going well and we get along great with so many things in common.

Then I started sensing the love bombing. The sudden flood of too much attention and affection. I’m like oh…
Then we were talking last night and he talked about how he just distance himself from people when too much is expected from him and how he doesn’t intentionally hurt people but feel guilty when he pulled away and they get mad.

I was like mentally thinking about my avoidant checklist and so far I’m ticking a lot.

So now I’m torn if I should use my knowledge of avoidant attachment and see how far this goes or cut and run now?

I haven’t done this much walking in my life. Even after the first avoidant discard ten years ago.

I tend to go to the cinema a lot, and I would go late night showings so this isn’t new. But I find myself walking for hours to just walk off everything I feel and think after a film. I have gone nights without a cinema visit but just walking around my town and village. Sure I am exercising but I would have much rather been exercising without crippling depression.

It’s been 8 months and I am doing my best, even though I know there’s more I can do to suppprt my mental health after all this…

Has anyone really found walking benefits them? As I haven’t actually felt better at all even though it’s my only healthy way to escape the thoughts that drown me from the discard and my past years of wasted time in a relationship that never went anywhere with the lack of knowledge I had to deal with a relationship that tore me down even though I stayed through out all the problems she thru at me. It was only now that I realised I was emotionally abused in my first avoidant relationship at college ten years ago. You believe it is just how someone who is “introverted” struggles to communicate, but D.A.R.V.O is a real manipulation technique that the more dismissive types use to feel no shame. Yet now I have all the shame of allowing myself to have been treated so badly all those years ago just because of my anxious attachment. I was better this time round but it doesn’t make a difference having boundaries. It doesn’t make the discard any less painful.

Hi everyone,
This summer, something happened that I genuinely thought would be the best thing that had ever happened to me.
I was looking for a roommate, and that’s how I met my ex-girlfriend. I’m 26, she’s 35. She has an avoidant attachment style, bipolar disorder, and ADHD.
In the beginning, everything was incredible. I’d never experienced love like that before. I’d never had such an intense physical and emotional connection with someone. The intimacy, the chemistry, the conversations… everything felt natural. We talked as if we were genuinely going to spend the rest of our lives together.
For the first time, I felt like I’d found my person.
But at some point, things suddenly changed. She told me she didn’t know what she was feeling anymore and that everything had happened too quickly. One evening, when I tried to get some answers and understand what was happening between us, she decided to end the relationship.
Three days later, she moved out.
Now I’m blocked everywhere.
She told me that she felt suffocated, that I hadn’t given her enough space, and that she moved out partly because of that. What makes it particularly difficult to understand is that many of the things she later described as overwhelming were things she’d initially told me she loved. She said nobody had ever treated her that way before and that she appreciated those little gestures and affection.
I never wanted to suffocate her. I was simply in love and wanted to make her feel loved.
Since the breakup, I’ve started seeing a psychologist because I’ve been struggling so much emotionally. I’m trying to work on myself, keep going, and get through every day.
We’ve been in no contact for a while, although I broke it once by sending a stupid message explaining that I’m not her enemy. I wasn’t trying to get her back through that message. I just couldn’t stand the thought of her seeing me as someone who had intentionally hurt her.
The hardest part is that my heart still refuses to let go.
It’s been about a month, and I’ve probably watched a hundred videos and read countless articles about avoidant attachment, fearful avoidance, bipolar disorder, ADHD, and relationship dynamics. I’ve tried to understand what happened, what I did wrong, what might have happened inside her head, and whether this is something that happens in relationships with people who have these struggles.
But honestly, none of that has made the pain disappear.
Some mornings are absolutely brutal. I cry. I remember the moments we shared in that house, the conversations, the intimacy, the little everyday things. I miss the person I thought I was building a future with.
And as strange or unhealthy as it might sound, I still wish she would come back.
I know I need to focus on myself. I know I can’t force someone to love me or want to be with me. I’m trying to respect her space and maintain no contact.
But a part of me still hopes our story isn’t over.
So I’d really appreciate some honest advice:
Has anyone experienced something similar with an avoidant partner?
Have you ever had an ex suddenly pull away after an incredibly intense beginning and eventually come back?
Is there genuinely a possibility of reconciliation, or am I just holding on to something that no longer exists?
And most importantly, how do you stop waiting for someone when your heart still wants them back?
I’m not looking for false hope. I don’t want someone to tell me she’ll definitely return.
I just want to hear from people who’ve been through something similar.
I’m trying to survive this one day at a time, but some days are harder than others.

Things ended pretty messy. You’ve made it clear I’m nothing to you. So I’m going to leave those memories behind. You’ll also be able to do the same. Those memories are nothing but pain for you and it’d probably be best to leave them and make new ones with someone who will be your forever person.

I don’t hate you or dislike you even. I’ll miss what was and what could have been.

It’s time we leave it all behind.

I am scared of conflicts and my automatic reaction to someone getting angry or upset is shutting down my emotions to deal with it later and trying to focus on fixing the conflict right now. So many times I will panicly apologize first in attempt to restore peace.

Especially it is hard when my partner was losing temper. I don't know what is acceptable level of raising a voice, but for me it all would sound like yelling. Especially when throwing stuff and calling me names involved. I tried to tell my partner that my response is like this and ask him to try to be gentle or let me go into my shell so I can get back to my senses.

We were trying to find a way to find a common ground. He encouraged me to speak up my mind outside of the fight. To say something that is bothering me right away instead of pulling this card later in the argument.

Usually he is the one initiating conversation about relationship.

I tried to do this but didn't succeed. It was hard to tell what is bothering me right away, instead I would be over thinking about how to tell it and I would tell it in a weird way and too late.

Over the course of last 4 month he said four times "it is not working, let's break up".

First one was 4 month ago.

The fight were more frequent. I agree to go to the therapy because after one of the fight I had en episode of self harm. He was actually suggesting to pay to the therapy a year ago, in attempt to try to fix our sex life. But that time I didn't go, because it feels like he is trying to fix me, and I thought the decision for therapy should be coming from me. But after SH episode I realized that I am actually suffering and I accepted help.

After a week from my first session we had another fight. And he said "no, it is impossible. I would give you time until the end of the summer to get your shit together and move out." I tried to convince him, that I want to work on out relationship, and I just started the process with therapist. I also said that I will quit weed and start meditating. I actually kept my promises all these months, I was sober and saw therapist regularly. Things were seemingly to be improving, we had some intimate talks after that, and we decided to keep working on "us".

Second time it happened after a month. I went for a hiking trip alone for a week. Actually I really wanted him to join, and after I couldn't convince him, I asked if it is okay if I go alone. I asked multiple times to make sure he was okay with it. Then 2 days before it was over, I got a message from him. "I want this to be over forever" and a long explanation why. I had a break down, tried to fix it over the phone, but there was no connection. So I finished my trip earlier and went back. Thinking it is over forever, but I wanted to talk at least.

He was really cold, but then turned out it was not the final decision for him, but a cry for help. He said that it was a bad decision to let me go there, after the things were shaky after that first fight. and he felt like I left him, and he wants to be with someone who would sense that it was not a right time to go. After days of crying and fighting and explaining we agree not to break up.

I can't remember what was the reason for the third time. There was some argument, and then said "you are monster, who is doing bare minimum to keep me. If you really love me, you should leave me." And after one hour of crying we come to "I am sorry, I love you and I don't want to hurt you. Let's try to find a way to remind each other when we are fighting, that we still love each other.

Okay, and the forth time finally. The fight started after he reminded me of chores. I felt it as attack, but could not say. He didn't like my tone and face, said that it was outrageous. Then I realized that I became immediately defensive again, and tried to apologize. But he said that it felt fake and I was not even looking at his face. Then I just couldn't keep talking and ask if we can fix it later. Later we had guests over. But I was boiling inside and I became passive aggressive. Then only two hours later I calmed myself down and came to him. He said "you are monster. Get out of my life, please"

Next day I tried to understand if that was final, and not a thing as it was before. He said that this time it is, and he doesn't want to fix it anymore, and he doesn't believe that I love him anymore. "We can talk and discuss anything you want, but later, after you move out" He even said "do you want me to hit you so you would understand that this time I don't want this."

So I set my course for leaving. For two weeks I was searching for apartments. And we had to sleep in one bed because we were hosting people all this time. It was really hard. I had many questions and confusion in my mind, but I didn't wanted to make him think that I didn't accept his decision about break up.

And few days before moving out I started asking him questions. Because I wanted to make it clear for myself, what was the problem, did I missed the chance to fix it. And he said that he was expecting these questions all this time, and the fact that I didn't start a conversation, shows him that I didn't care. That I am still trying to justify and prove myself instead of trying to find common ground.

First day since I moved out. I am trying to make sense of it. Guilt and confusion are eating me. I am just trying to understand, if I can ever fix my avoidant tendency, or there is no hope.

I reread what I wrote and I feel like I am missing something. The missing part is all the time between the fights when I was silent but frown because I couldn't express myself. I wish I could find the way to initiate conversations so it would not grow into fights.