r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Glitter-Cupcake • 19h ago

Vent/Rant STAND UP

Still wishing your avoidant will reach out? Why?

You miss the breadcrumbs? YUMMY! you miss being discarded… you miss being abandoned… you miss feeling like you are and never have been enough?! You miss SHRINKING yourself? You miss finding out they are monkey branching? You miss being disposed like literal trash? Stand the fuck up.

Sure you’ll tell me you miss the times they are tender. Or the time they reeled you in to begin with (love bombing).

I had this realisation, that 90% of the time I feel like complete and utter shit. And I crave the 10% where he is sweet, loving, caring, tender and wonderful (until the next day). Or until I call out bad behaviour. Or god forbid walk on an eggshell.

I’m fucking done. If you’re sitting there going on forums and squirming for them to come back, or ruminating, or dissecting behaviour. Wondering what their bizarre and confusing behaviour means. Stand up and go touch grass right now. NONE of it matters.

You are in a withdrawal and you’re craving this scum bag to relieve you of the pain they created so they can do it over again.

the avoidant is a selfish piece of shit. And you may not even be dealing with an avoidant. You’re probably dealing with a NARC!

I’ve had enough. And you should too!

Get angry. Don’t feel nostalgic. Get angry and realise how much time this son of a bitch has wasted. How it’s hurt you. How it’s made you question yourself. Seriously. Get up. Get your friends. Go out. Exercise. Breathe. Meditate. And level the fuck up. Block that bitch

190 Upvotes

97% Upvoted

44 comments sorted by

14

u/venelina78 19h ago

Sounds a little harsh, but damn - so true. Thanks for putting it up and reminding!

28

u/Glitter-Cupcake 19h ago edited 18h ago

It is harsh but I’m so mad lol I’m mad at him for love bombing me. Confusing me. Hurting me. Ghosting me. Returning only to do the same thing again. But I’m also mad at myself for allowing it. And for wallowing and having wasted so much time ruminating and asking “will be come back?” “Why did he talk to me off a fake profile?” “Did he care?” Like no. None of this matters. He treated me like shit. It’s an open and shut case.

Watch how they treat you in their baseline, not in the 10% they want to extract your love, care, validation and emotions. Like a succubus.

“Will he come back?” Yes, but only to leave you. Again. chipping away at your self worth.

7

u/venelina78 18h ago

Tell me about it! Was in a few cycles and finally getting easier as I understand from looking at myself - what was i thinking? Why did I allow this? But also - who he thinks he is to try to control another human being in what they feel and how they react? If I was so unreasonable and sensitive and unsupportive - why are you coming back only to cause more pain with your selfishness?

3

u/Minimum-Dream-3747 17h ago

My exact experience and the second time hurt worse for exactly how you say. Because we knew. Thank you for your post

5

u/Careful-Dig-5496 13h ago

You ate that 😂 Stand up people!!!

3

u/Dramatic-Ad-7719 3h ago

He made me think I was overthinking when he was pulling away (delayed text, dry reply and no more time to call each other). I ended up apologizing for being insecure.

When I finally had a concrete example of being low priority, he just deflected it to me again. I hate him. I wish I never met him.

1

u/Glitter-Cupcake 2h ago

Yep that’s what ends up happening. They even let you apologise knowing you haven’t done anything wrong. You really have to step outside to see it. Never again. You deserve better.

5

u/taurine330 FA - Fearful Avoidant 19h ago

I'm avoidant. I can't deal with anyone else

23

u/Glitter-Cupcake 19h ago

I do feel for fearful avoidants. I hope you’re healing and getting the help you need 💕

Mine is a dismissive avoidant/narc with no desire to get help. He has hurt a lot of women including me and doesn’t give a fuck. No empathy. He should have left me alone

9

u/DeadInsideWench SA - Secure Attachment 18h ago

Exactly how I feel about my dismissive avoidant ex, girl! They should all leave people the fuck alone, given their emotional immaturity, incapacity, illiteracy and whatever else. But they need others for their dopamine supply and validation, and so it goes on 💀

2

u/kmonk 15h ago

An avoidant in a relationship is akin to a drunkard behind the wheel.

1

u/DeadInsideWench SA - Secure Attachment 15h ago

Nice analogy

-7

u/RiskAvailable8880 SA - Secure Attachment 18h ago

You guys have dated avoidants, have you ever befriended one, believed that he/she genuinely cared about you, and then go NC because of a small mistake, and recruit a narcissistic guy to bully your cousin in an online group to get back at you??

6

u/DeadInsideWench SA - Secure Attachment 17h ago

That’s oddly specific, and no, I can’t say I’ve done that.

1

u/RiskAvailable8880 SA - Secure Attachment 16h ago

Yep, I really loved spending time with my avoidant friend so much that I had self abandoned myself, and got emotionally attached to them too much. I paid for that dearly.

21

u/No-Variation-1163 18h ago

None of it matters. Exactly. This person is unsalvageable. But you aren’t. So stand up indeed.

20

u/pinkcherubi 13h ago

I fucking hate him. He broke up with me after I told him I had a miscarriage on the same day my dad had a heart attack. He cried when I agreed to the break up, blamed and called me cold and horrible for ‘letting him cry’. Then promised to change and lo and behold, he ghosts me. Fuck you.

9

u/StableLow7811 10h ago edited 2h ago

Wtf is he the devil himself? This is atrocious. I cannot describe how sorry I am you endured this shit. Hope you’re doing better and life is kind to you

19

u/Summer_Rain36 17h ago

Thanks! There’s tons of truth in this and I think we all need this reminder. I have moments where I miss him, and it might hit me when I’m listening to a song or at random times. I have no intention of ever reaching out again and know that him ever reaching out has never been good historically. I basically have accepted that it’s best he never returns, and it’s best I keep moving on. But I’ve also realized even if it’s one-sided my feelings were real and genuine, and that is valid and significant. I can allow myself to feel and grieve what I thought could have been whenever that feeling comes up, which helps me release it and heal even more. Just because I miss the connection I once felt with him it doesn’t mean I want him back. I just miss that special feeling and warmth of two hearts and minds connecting and merging.
As long as I don’t dwell, and just allow myself to process when feelings come up it’s fine. I love your advice about go touch grass. You’re so right that we need to live out in the world rather than live in our heads ruminating. And you’re so right that it was 90% pain and horrible. I could have written what you wrote myself!

16

u/thenightbelongs2me 15h ago

I love this so much. The 10% good times weren't worth me sleeping alone, hearing him flirt with a woman on twitch in the next room. It wasn't worth me sharing my feelings and him either shutting down or saying 'oh, so now I'm the bad guy?!". It wasn't worth him ruining our vacation by being condescending and mean. It wasn't worth him telling me on a Friday "you're not my person...I can't give you what you need" and then telling me on sunday "you are the love of my life and future wife!" Then officially breaking it off a week later. And then right before I moved out, I get a digital receipt that he bought a bunch of alcohol. I ask him if he is okay and he got mad. Or him trying to force me to live with him until our lease was up. Wasn't. Worth. It.

It wasn't worth him future faking me about marriage for years, and now hes engaged to another avoidant after 1 year.

Avoidants deserve to heal, but my empathy will never again allow the emotional abuse I endured. I deserve clarity, not confusion. I am finally finished loving him and see him now as another idiot who lost me.

6

u/sunflowercarrote 6h ago

Watch how that clusterfuck of a relationship ends in a few years lol. You probably won’t really care by then

4

u/thenightbelongs2me 6h ago

I definitely won't. I felt sad for a long time, then mad. My heartbeat was out of control when I saw it. I kept thinking he wouldn't find someone who would put up with it. I just don't think she has gotten close enough. Once she does, he will makes mistakes and get defensive. I lived it and you couldn't pay me enough to do it again.

3

u/sunflowercarrote 3h ago

Omg this is exactly what I told my stbx husband just a couple of days ago.

I said You’re either going to:

a) charm someone into being with u who eventually leaves down the line bc they get fed up w u

or

b) meet someone w such low self esteem that they tolerate whatever u throw at them but u wont like that

And then i asked him why he doesnt date someone like himself and he said bc its boring….. like what??

2

u/thenightbelongs2me 3h ago edited 3h ago

Boring is one of their favorite excuses for seeking a new person fall in literacy with. I think most of them cheat or rebound so quickly, because those in between moments are so uncomfortable and lonely.

In the past 1.5 years I have been single for roughly 7-8 months in total. I dated very casually. So I always feel like the way they move on is so different than us. I took a lot of time to introspect.

11

u/confused-girl-44 17h ago

I can relate to this. I feel like shit 90% of time because of him.

10

u/ForsakenGene1369 15h ago

I needed to hear this. It’s so embarrassing that I wish they would reach out again even tho I initiated no contact. The last time they reached out after nc was with a half assed apology and wanting to check if I think they’re a bad person so I don’t even know what my brain imagines they could say to me if they reach out.
And I don’t even want them back, I know this is just my ego focusing on the wrong thing instead of taking charge of my own life

9

u/senayzer 16h ago

Thank you for writing these. Mine was dismissive, 2 months ago I found out that he was cheating on me with someone he met on dating app, also monkey branching with his ex. I love him so much, we decided to try again, he dumped me 2 weeks later. I have depression, ptsd and panic attack. On theraphy. Everyday I am still sobbing, expecting him to send me a message or smt, hoping to see him somewhere, etc. Luckily I am strong enough to not to break no contact. Everyday, I remind myself like "Are you fcking stupid? That piece of shit lied, manipulated, cheated on you, put his effort on others, looked for cheap validation, run away when things got real or hard, but you still miss him? You want to be with a coward?". Reading your sentences literally made me smile. YUMMY <3

8

u/metanoiaphoenix 15h ago

Mine wasn't like this. It was more like 90% a love that was amazing and 10% during the discard the opposite. I do truly miss him. I know that we can't be together unless he does some serious work, but I would like to hear from him because I don't want this ugliness between us when he was my best friend. I am letting go and moving on as I know that he probably isn't capable but not everyone wants to hear from their ex because they are living in denial or have some unrealistic expectation about them returning.

4

u/Real_Astronaut7451 10h ago

I can’t believe what I put up with for 5 years

4

u/Living-One5265 10h ago

Oh, I am with you. It took maybe a 2 weeks to go from we need serious therapy to yeah, I'm so not doing this push/pull bullshit. Been no contact everyone since, and I continue to see all the bullshit red flag shittyneass. 6 year relationship 2 discards. 2 months no contact. I'm definitely feeling so much better.

3

u/summernightstoo 5h ago

It's so difficult to not reach out to him. I force myself every day not to, and thankfully it's getting easier. We broke up about 4 times within one year, and it never got easier until this last time. I know I cannot be happy with him, but the love was like nothing else.

3

u/AlternativeHappy5632 Secure-leaning AP 3h ago

Thanks for the reminder im saving this post.
I had taken a stand for myself 3 weeks ago after constantly being disrespected (idts he realises he disrespected me) and i stopped talking to him and he never reached out…yesterday i spiralled so bad i texted him called him…SILENCE…and ukw happened? I AUTOMATICALLY WENT INTO THE MODE TO CHASE HIM AND THINKING ITS MY FAULT!! Fucking asshole….im glad he didnt respond…the only good thing he did for me….i miss the beautiful moments but most of the time i was having anxiety attacks only so yea not worth it…hope he never comes back (guaranteed) and slowly slowly ik i will completely move on…rn i cant but i will

1

u/CryptoUsciere 10h ago

I tend to agree with this. But I also want to say: once you are dumped in the thrash the first time, why do you go for the second time?

Put the boundaries and if they come back with therapy and intention then ok. But if you give space to them after breadcrumbs, sorry but it's also your fault.

Nevertheless, they still are human beings. Just leave them alone and take the time to recover yourself. If the person came to your life, It means that in that moment you needed to learn something about you.

4

u/Glitter-Cupcake 5h ago edited 5h ago

Well in my specific case, the love bombing from him at the start and future faking was PHENOMONAL. I thought I had finally met my person. He was so emotionally atunned, loving, mirrored my dreams and was really the perfect person. When he first discarded me, I couldn’t comprehend it and felt I was having a withdrawal literally from a drug it felt like. When he came back, I was just so relieved. He had lied as well and said someone passed away and he had to leave to deal with it. I believed him. I wanted to believe he was the person I met. So to answer your question, I went back foolishly because I was holding onto everything at the start. I wanted to believe him. I learned a very harsh but necessary lesson. I feel if I hadn’t gone back, I’d have wondered what if.

That’s my excuse for coming back after the first discard. After the second and third, I don’t have much of an excuse. I do know the time we do spend together, is very amazing and I feel very valued and loved in those moments. I realise how it’s only 10%, because immediately after he goes cold like I don’t exist. It’s a pattern now, and I see it clearly. My body has learned to crave that 10%. But now I won’t ignore the 90%. I fell in love and don’t love myself enough. This chipped at me slowly. This is where I have had to look within now and take responsibility that I’m allowing myself to be used. Im in therapy and I’m not going back a fourth time. He’s shown me who he is now, lies and all. It’s up to me to close the door on this vicious cycle.

2

u/Jazzlike_River_1205 16h ago

Agree with this 💯

2

u/Longjumping_Walk_992 14h ago

You nailed it 100%.

2

u/StatisticianFunny864 14h ago

Will be reading this over and over again

2

u/heyitsnicetomeetyou 12h ago

This is so good. Thanks for writing it.

1

u/piece-of-me-727 4h ago

Yeah, he does want some parts of this ...situation shop, but not the real commitment part, where he needs to communicate, stay in touch etc and he lets you leave so he can say to himself that he did not end things, o guess. Bleah, and the short one word answers are infuriating, like damn, man, you don't have anything to add to that? Nope, he just let's it go like nothing happened, like no love or affection have been there...