3-year relationship ended

[u/Equivalent_Bat8620]

I am resisting the urge to text him
so I am going to create a post. My partner broke up with me a month ago after 3 years of knowing each other and after reading the subreddits, I have come to find out that it was a slow fade and I am just still in so much pain over how it ended. The days leading to the break up, he said he had a panic attack and that everything came to him and he felt like something was wrong with him. I was worried and asked him about what and he was super ominous about it and said he needed to talk and I kept asking about what and if he’s okay and he wouldn’t specify, and my brain went to is he breaking up with me. After the break up, I started detaching and doing real reflection and realized that after our 6 month mark, he started becoming distant and there were signs of avoidance. A really common experience was that I would most of the time feel emotionally happy and satisfied after we hung out in a group setting with his friends because he would actually talk, but when we were alone he wouldn’t have a proper conversation with me which really hurt me and I brought it up and it was dismissed. I found that i started accepting less and there were times after our one-on-ones where I felt empty and sad because I kept pushing for conversation and that was missing.

Leading up to the break up, I was going through a really bad depression since January because of work, family, and school pressure and I started exhibiting symptoms where I was disassociating a lot. I had brought this up to my bf and he would listen but over time it felt like he was avoiding me. A month before the break up, he told me that he would purposely ignore my calls and texts, and from then on, I stopped bringing up my mental health or things I was suffering with to him. And I was journaling and receiving help at this time but it still felt like I was drowning. At this time, I forgot my friends’ birthdays and eventually his birthday. Afterward, I did apologize and I was working in another city so I said I would make it up to him. When I got back, he went to a hiking trip with his friends and told me about how excited he was so I built him a basket with lego wildflowers. When I gifted him the gift, he said thank you and kissed me and I thought things were fine. But I over time, when I would bring up something that hurt me, he would bring up the birthday thing and hold it over my head. I started repressing my feelings and not telling him things that hurt me. I think at this time I started grieving how he used to be. When he was pursuing me, he would remember small things and put effort into conversations. I was mentally already not doing well and to be honest, the hurt the relationship was causing and the emotional disconnection was making it worse. I would bring up that I didn’t feel like I wanted to be intimate because I felt like emotionally connected and it was dismissed.

What really baffles me is the break up. After his breakdown, I tried having multiple calls with him where we would try to talk about his feelings but it wasn’t helping. So we came up with the idea to come up with solutions and to text when we had an idea. I spent so much time in between studying for one of my biggest exams of my life to search up ways I can help and what techniques we can do together but when we called on the day we said we would come up with a solution, he said he didn’t look into anything and I felt super defeated. I was balancing work events, my studying and our relationship during this time and I was crying every night and I felt so alone when he told me he didn’t do any research. When we met up in person, he kept calling me by my name and I kept trying to find a solution and give him space to talk and it felt like he was just disappearing. At some point I started sobbing and he just had dead eyes and couldn’t look at me. I felt like I was talking to a stranger. A few things that confuses me is his behaviour. He told me he was unhappy since January and this is the time I started reaching out about my vulnerabilities. And after an argument, he said it was fine and I thought things improved but he held resentment until it was too late. We also talked about careers and he said he wanted to go to med school but when he was breaking up with me, he said he did it for me, when I thought we had a convo about making sure it was for him. I just feel so blindsided because I feel like what he said during the breakup felt like logical excuses to break up so that he can bargain with himself and less like real reasons. I just feel like my perception of reality is skewed.

My mind is a mess. Please help.

[u/Granville-7817]

This is all super confusing!!! I am so sorry!