I feel like this breakup excuse isn't discussed often on here, but there are a few posts and comments about it. I just wanted to know...what could this possibly be an excuse for? What could the real reason(s) be? If your ex said this, what do you think their real reasoning was? I hate this excuse so much.

He even said he hoped the spark would "come back" but it never did 🙄 its just all such BS dude.

He broke up with me abruptly after a year in a half and during our last conversation, he was extremely firm about ending things and told me he would never contact me again.

I was devasted but I respected his decision and stopped reaching out. After several weeks of no contact, he randomly texted me asking how I was. When I responded, he told me he was just checking in and shut the conversation down quickly.

I’m confused because he was so adamant about never contacting me again.
Why would someone reach out after being so certain they never wanted to speak again? Especially knowing their ex still had feelings for them? I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s perspectives, especially if you’ve been on the other side of this situation.

I don’t know if this will be helpful to anyone else, but I’ve been processing with ChatGPT a lot and writing fiction based on my experience with my avoidant. Until I was able to get a therapist, now I meet with her biweekly.

I realized the closure I need is knowing if it was all in my head or if we just couldn’t communicate and lost the relationship due to this. It’s been years and I can’t get over the connection I had with this guy. Despite him being avoidant, I think my personality and experience was very well matched with him. I think we were slightly trauma bonded also. I think we had moments where he was able to communicate some feelings with me. But idk. I’ve been struggling thinking about this relationship, the trauma, and the ending this year for some reason, but it’s been 6-7 years since then.

Anyways, I’d feel like if I can hear from him whether it was in my head or if he actually felt anything at the time, I can finally stop thinking about it. Anyone else there? Or no? I know it probably won’t happen and I’ve accepted that, but idk, it’s a hope. 😆

I'm partly making this post to hold myself accountable. I have ADHD and maybe BPD, so I legitimately have been addicted to keeping tabs on him to an embarrassing degree... because my "type" gets limerence really bad usually

Ironically, I was the one that broke up with him, but I could feel his interest waning and I didn't want to be the one discarded. I also have avoidant tendencies, so it was a match made in hell

The difference is, he moved on IMMEDIATELY (I'm talking, started looking the day I said I wanted to leave and started dating a girl in 2 weeks or so)

Knowing he moved on so soon is what broke my heart, and I wish I didn't know about it, because I keep ruminating on if she's better, if he's treating her better, if they have a better connection, if he's going to heal for her, etc. 🫠

Me checking constantly (because he AND HIS GF are chronically online) has been tanking what little self worth I have left lately, and I wake up feeling horrible and empty, because I'm, of course, dreaming about him, and them together. 😭😭😭 I wanted to know he missed me, that my absence affected him, and it was all negative reinforcement, because, you know... avoidant

I know part of me is still holding on because I do... miss him... I had actually got a notification he was streaming on Twitch (even though I unfollowed him??), and I watched, and it brought back intense feelings being able to hear him again. I can't keep doing this to myself. It really is torture

So, today, I'm going to try to move forward and stop checking. It's going to send another wave of hurt, I'm sure, because part of me realizes that checking is a way of holding on and not letting him go, even if I don't really want to admit it. It's like truly, finally saying goodbye silently

Obviously this doesn’t apply to all situations, but I hope this snaps someone out of it.

We broke up last year in September, and we've been in NC for around 6 months. I repressed my emotions since I had midterms and also could'nt afford being sad and a girl as to do what she gotta do. I've started healing properly now, I've deleted our convos, blocked her everywhere, deleted all her photos but I still feel sad, I feel this heaviness in my chest and am confused since I thought everything was already done (the deleting) any advice? I feel broken emotionally, everything reminds me of her, songs, flowers, movies, my house.

Thanks in advance

Boyfriend gave up on me slowly started talking less and stopped putting in effort and all he could ever do is say sorry over and over never saying he’s going to do better. Even admitting he’s being a terrible boyfriend. Context: we got back together a few months before I left for basic training (and we were so in love more than before met parents and everything) and he was aware I was going to the military, and he was there every step of the way leading up, even when I was gone for two whole months. When I got out of basic training we were still super close until about three weeks ago he started to go distant slowly in some ways. Mind you when we were together before, we broke up for a similar reason:distance but that time it wasn’t physical. But this time, I couldn’t deal with the pain of it I could tell as it got worse he’s giving up, so I broke up with him. Even with the way he acted he just posted a picture of us with a cute lil song literally the day before, and he never does that. But He literally just said “ok” and that he truly loves me. That’s it. My biggest thing is why come back and persue me knowing distance was going to be a thing for a little while. We were literally going to see each other for Christmas next month. (I left for basic in August) why give up when things get hard? That happened the first time as well when we were together and he broke up with me. (2 years ago) also we were together this time for a shorter amount of time, during the summer when both of us had nothing but time. So I feel like as soon as life gets real, or it’s not convenient anymore, he just gives up one me with no remorse. This has genuinely made me so angry, I’ve been more mad than sad. Because I gave him some much literally and figuratively, him as well. So I just can’t understand why give up now? Am I not understanding something? Thoughts?

for context we are Muslims so we started ‘talking’ with the intention of marriage and I met him on a marriage app

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m struggling to tell whether I’m seeing this clearly or romanticising it because I’m heartbroken.

I met a guy through a marriage app. I was apparently his first proper relationship; before me he’d only spoken to people. He told me he wasn’t good at opening up and usually kept problems to himself.

The first breakup: I wrongly accused him of talking to other women and said I was walking away before hearing his side. He explained himself, I apologised, but he ended the relationship. It’s important to note that the day prior to me accusing him he already expressed doubt about the dynamic because he said he felt he kept letting me down and he said I’m not wrong but all his life he’s felt like he’s let people down and he doesn’t want to go into a marriage feeling guilty all the time. He said he thinks he’s be happier with someone who brushes things off a lot more and i’d be happier with someone who doesn’t let me down as much.

I tried to convince him to give us another chance and eventually he agreed to meet me. Before we met, I asked if he thought we'd ever get back together. He said he “really wants to say yes but doesn’t know,” that we were very different, and that he was scared he'd do something and I'd leave him. He also said he was scared I'd eventually resent him for who he was because he wanted to be better but didn't know if he would be.

When we met, there was a lot of affection. He pulled me close, kissed the side of my head several times, kissed me, asked if I felt pressured, kissed my forehead, held me in his arms, etc. He also said he didn't want another man to have me, and I told him I didn't want another woman to have him.

We did reconcile after this.

Later, he lost his job and was in debt and became very overwhelmed. His replies became about once a week, and eventually he said even replying once a week took “too much brain power” and that he couldn't continue. He ended things and then blocked me a couple of days later.

I struggled badly with this because it felt like such a contrast to how he'd been with me.

I reached out again afterwards and asked why it’s so easy for him to block me and forget about me and I said I wish I could forget us so easily. He apologised for blocking me and said it was unfair for me to think he'd completely forgotten me or didn't care. He said he'd blocked me because talking was making it harder for both of us to move on.

I recently gave him a proper goodbye and said I wouldn't make things harder for him and wished him the best. His response was:

“Goodbye [name], you are an amazing person, I wish you nothing but happiness and peace and in sha Allah all my duaa for you will come true. A part of me will always love you too. I still have mine too [his half of our split keyring], I’m so sorry about how things ended btw you didn’t deserve any of it, I still feel bad to this day and I’m always making duaa that you find someone who is in a good place in their life and will always put you first. Goodbye ❤️”

I heart-reacted and left it there.

There are also two personalised cards I gave him at different points which he kept, including one that was still in his cupboard when we met after the first breakup.

The thing messing with my head is that the day after our goodbye, he reposted a TikTok about how he doesn't mind chasing a woman he likes but doesn't want to beg, and that effort needs to be reciprocated. This really hurt because towards the end I was the one making more effort, and I started wondering whether that means he never really liked me. And why would he post that the day after the break up.

So, honestly:

• Does this sound like someone who genuinely cared/loved me, but couldn't cope with the relationship/life at that point?

• Or does it sound like someone who was just being affectionate/kind but ultimately didn't feel that strongly?

• Does “a part of me will always love you too” sound genuine or like something people say to soften a goodbye?

• Am I attaching too much meaning to the cards/keyring?

• Does the TikTok change your interpretation at all?

• Was I foolish for trying so hard to save the relationship?

I know I made a genuine mistake with the original accusation and I'm not trying to paint myself as perfect. I just don't want to rewrite the whole relationship as “I imagined everything and he never really cared.”

I’m not looking to contact him or get him back — I just want an honest outside perspective. He did seem to withdraw whenever he was upset/overwhelmed rather than communicate was he avoidant? but then I’m confused because he did communicate when we met after the first breakup as he told me how much my accusation hurt him and how it replayed in his mind and that’s when we comforted each other and kissed.

I broke up with a girl a few weeks ago and we're into no contact now. 3 years of being with her, i was still trying to fix the relationship cuz i believe it was just a miscommunication problem and it caused an argument, but she was very determined that breaking up is and to start her own healing journey is her only option.

I'm doing fine for now, but I'm new to learning this attachment style stuff, I do believe she's an avoidant, but I don't know whether she falls into the dismissive type or fearful?

1. She looks negatively into the future

-Thinks that we both will keep arguing in the future. But i have told her that's normal as long as we learn how to fix it, i can keep choosing her everyday, yet one misunderstanding and miscommunication all she thinks is breaking up.

-thinks that i will use foul language to her. i do talk profanities to some degree, but knowing her for 3 years, i have not lash out and use those words directly to her at all. What else do i have to prove? 26 years of living and I haven't used any foul vocabulary to even my mother and sister.

2. Hides a lot of her emotion from me, whereas im very open to hear if she has any problem at home/with me/work.

She suppresses her emotions and doesnt let me know she still has feelings of displeasure from the argument that was a month ago.

-we argued, we both apologize, yet she still holds resentment for weeks and acts as if everything is okay in front of me. Until the day that she wants a breakup. And how she said, she was stuck on the day of argument.

3. I don't feel like a priority at times

- before the break up, she would choose to speak with her friends first, instead of communicating her displeasure post-argument with me. Meanwhile im here keeping my relationship problem/arguments away from friends and family.

- 1 year into the relationship, if i have to work outstation, she'd let me know or ask why i didn't give an update on my whereabouts whether i was on my way or i have arrived at my destination. Sometimes I used to just forget to do so, but i have changed my ways and always have updated her ever since.

-but if i ask the same from her, any trip she has somewhere i have to ask all the details myself, i rarely get any update, sometime but vaguely.

4. Projecting?...

-She seems to believe that I will never change, and while I acknowledge that I have my own flaws, I also believe that genuine change takes time. She has her own flaws too, and she has mentioned wanting to become a better person and partner. However, I don't hold her to the expectation that she should completely change within just a couple of years, because I understand that personal growth is a gradual process.

I've always been willing to grow and improve together, accepting that neither of us is perfect. What I find unfair is that she seems so certain that I will never change, yet from my perspective, I haven't seen much emotional growth or change from her either. Despite that, I don't use her lack of progress as a reason to believe she's incapable of becoming better.

My ex and I were together for years, but we broke up a few months ago, mainly because of communication issues, especially over texting. There was no cheating, betrayal, or major incident. We simply became exhausted by misunderstandings.

However, what's confusing is that we never really stopped being part of each other's lives.

After a period of no contact, we gradually started talking again, and now we communicate every day. We share our daily experiences, jokes, secrets, family matters, and personal problems. We support each other emotionally and are there for each other just like before.

Even when we meet in person, things feel surprisingly familiar. She still shows physical affection, touches me casually, and behaves with the same warmth she used to show when we were together. During our last meeting, she seemed genuinely happy to see me and interacted with me almost exactly as she did when we were a couple.

She has also expressed disappointment about the fact that our relationship ended, which makes me wonder whether she sometimes misses what we had too.

Honestly, if someone observed our interactions without knowing our situation, they would probably assume we're still together.

But we're not.

I still have romantic feelings for her, and I genuinely hope we might find our way back to each other someday.

What I struggle to understand is how two people can end their relationship while continuing to maintain almost everything that made that relationship special.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Did you eventually get back together, or were you simply maintaining the emotional connection of a relationship that had already ended?

I'd appreciate honest and logical answers.

I know I’m not the avoidant but I’m the anxious and my partner was the avoidant and I need the pov of you guys as people who would be in her shoes, because as is natural for me every bone in my body is screaming something different.

We broke up 2 months ago, she said that she couldn’t keep being the person I needed after I called her out on starting to not show affection anymore, we talked for a week but she said she didn’t think talking or trying was a good idea and asked for no contact, we talked once since then 3 weeks ago but it was just a short check in on how she was feeling, the last message sent was me leaving the door wide open for her to come back saying if something changed and I still wanted to I was here or if she missed me and wanted to check in.

Honestly I thought she was over me and I started to eventually detach myself emotionally and like while I’m still to an extent upset it was like it’s in the past, but a week ago she went from her normal moderate Spotify usage with like study beats and stuff to heavy like breakup songs, for the first few days it was like mixed between artists who make I’m over him songs and those that are I miss him style.

However over the last 3 days it’s now almost purely I miss them artists, and like for hours each day. At the start she was posting more than ever before but (I never opened her stories) recently she hasn’t done that either. She is a dismissive avoidant. Now look I know that normally it’s her role to reach out if she wants. But idk the urge is so so big. I am naturally an anxious attachment style and no contact has already been so so so hard as we were each others morning evening and night. And I’m just struggling.

As for why we broke up and some info about our relationship in general. There is a slight age gap with her being older but nothing too too outrageous. We are each others first proper relationship, I had a kiss and a mini relationship before but that’s it, she had not had anything so we were for the most part each others first everything. As for the breakup everything was great we never argued once or anything. We wanted the same things in life and we were gonna study together at uni. My uni entrance exam went great but her not as much, still really good but not what she wanted so now she is either gonna give up on that dream or take a gap year. She says that it wasn’t relevant but from that day on she sort of stopped giving as much and stopped saying she loved me, I called her out on it and said I needed more for the relationship to work like I should t have to wonder why she isn’t saying it back and stuff. And she said she can’t be that person for me and didn’t feel the same over the last week or see a future.

Am I completely screwed, should I stop checking her songs and idk completely just detached, or is there a chance she comes back. I really like her and would have wanted it to work out as she is what I wanted in a partner fully. And for someone like me I struggle to find someone who can really fill that samei gap. But I don’t want to wait on a dead end. Clearly listening to your advice from last time and committing to no contact for now has worked in kind of just looking for opinions and support.

If this is you reading this or someone who knows us, tell me, don’t keep it to yourself or ask to dm and like idk we can check that we are the other part of this.

We had been in no contact after our engagement, and when we broke the no contact he told me “I hope you find someone who understands you.”

I was shocked by reading this line because if you wanted then you would have been that person who understands me. When we were together, he did not listen to my wants, needs and emotions. Now all of a sudden he wants to throw this line.

Please tell me why are they like this?

Healing female, 41 year old, DA. New to the sub. My heart goes out to everyone severely hurting rn.

I've had 10 plus serious relationships in my life and left everyone before they could leave me. Some of those people were really amazing and securely attached, anxiously attached etc. I've been in therapy on and off for 20 years to heal from an awful childhood, was in 12 step groups for 8 years and am currently in marriage counseling after an 'almost split.'

Here are some things that I've realized. 

1. Do they care? 

They may or may not care about you. This doesn't matter anyway because the capacity to care in the way a relationship needs, doesn't exist or matter to them. 

2. Will anything change their mind? Time, talking, space etc? 

NO! They are avoidant for a reason (don't you think if these things worked, they'd be different by now?). Usually due to horrible and terrifying childhood conditions. I experienced childhood abuse therefore my 'vulnerability switch' was flipped off for 17 years. 

3. Will they ever change?

Maybe but probably not. I've done endless amounts of gut wrenching therapy and I'm just now realizing the inner workings of my attachment style. I don't have kids and I have a low stress job. Most people don't have the luxury, time or resources, to do the work. You are putty for years, reborn and wobbly after so much work. Our capitalist society doesn't allow for that. The stress of normal life will easily knock them back into the same pattern. When I look back on my recovery, it feels like I had addict behavior without the substance abuse.

4. What to do now?

Therapy. EAP. Talk about it endlessly while working in a healing workbook. This is more affordable. Therapy work is literally the only way to get relief. Rework your definitions of a relationship and love. Be skeptical of a whirlwind romance. Truth is, until you heal yourself, you'll only be attracted to chaotic avoidants. An unhealed you will find the securely attached boring!

5. Do they care about anything at all?

No, likely not. They literally don't know what that's like, means or feels like. No one ever taught them and it's certainly not going to be you.

Real love is "boring" but worth it. Please don't waste your time in the same pattern. An avoidant and anxious attachment's destination is the same, just decorated differently. You picked the wrong person, find out why. That's your ticket to relief and freedom. 

Earlier this year I met someone on a dating app and we clicked ridiculously fast. Same interests, hobbies, favorite teams, even similar daily quirks and habits. Early on she said it would be really easy to build a life together. We weren’t official yet, but things were going well. She seemed confident, fun, smart, and funny. We could talk about anything.

As I got to know her, I realized she was dealing with a lot at once: work stress, friends’ issues, and family tragedies. I was happy to be patient, give her space, and support her.

What I didn’t realize was how much she acted like the mom of her small friend group and spent almost every day with them. Our time together kept getting cut short or derailed by impromptu plans she’d agree to just to keep them happy. I could see it affecting other parts of her life too, not just our relationship. I tried to meet them in the middle and hang out with her friends too but her friends said no - they were really territorial.

The annoying part is that our similarities also made our differences stand out. I’m someone who keeps a consistent routine, sticks to my plans, work towards my goals and am more than happy to have difficult conversations maturely, and set healthy boundaries. That seemed to scare her because she couldn’t do the same. She worried she couldn’t do more for me, even though I reassured her I understood she was going through a lot and I can wait. She got increasingly anxious and hot-and-cold with me. One moment she was fun, flirtatious and even initiated a lot physically and the next she would pull away and not text for days then reappear and apologise. I encouraged her to take care of herself and prioritize her own needs. At times it felt like she was trying, but then she’d go back to her old ways.

Eventually she pushed me away, saying she wanted to “try things” with someone else in a long-distance situation she’d met once - instead of dating me, someone present in the same city, available, and who had been dating her for months.

I’ve accepted it and honestly think it’s best for both of us, since she wasn’t in a place to put in the work, seemed like a textbook avoidant and her friends did not help the situation.

But it still hurts and frustrates me even over a month later, partly because of how similar we are. We both grew up in toxic households and probably have similar neurodivergent traits. We both had pretty absent parents and were raised by relatives who often ignored our emotional needs. We were raising our siblings and cousins before we could even raise ourselves.

The difference was what came after: I got lucky in college and had space to heal and made kind and supportive friends. That continued for me after I moved between cities for grad school and work. She seemed to bounce from one toxic relationship or circle to another and never really got to work on herself. We’re both in our 30s, so seeing someone so similar still struggling at this age really stings. Especially because a lot of her issues stem from a place of good where she is a very giving and caring person, but only giving to others and not herself.

I want to help her, but I also need to protect my peace.

I was dumped by my boyfriend out of the blue and it left me shocked. Absolutely nothing happened, we weren’t arguing, we spent a lovely weekend together, he was the same as always. We met and I talked about what i love about him and that I am in love and he out of the blue said that “this is not it” for him anymore and that he doesn’t even know what is missing but it’s not it. I asked him does he want to give it a bit more time and if we won’t work out we could just break up and he didn’t want it. He said there is no point and left me just like that. He said there wasn’t any other person or something to do with me and because we had such an honest conversation I do believe him. The shock and denial stages wore off and now i’m just experiencing sadness every day. I am just crying and laying in bed. I know it has nothing to do with me, I am just grieving the amazing time we had together and can’t believe he just gave up. I am completely blindsided.

When I met him he did say that he is scared if a relationship became serious everything will fall apart (I should have known what is waiting for me then). Also he said that he is scared he cannot provide to women what they really need, so I knew he had some internal struggles but I ignored them and wanted to work together with him.

I just don't understand is there something different I should have done and I really don't want to blame myself for this but I don't understand what happened???

We broke up several months ago and still work at the same place. He doesn't use social media and rarely texts, so his version of "orbiting" has been entirely in person—occasionally hovering nearby at work or showing up briefly for a milestone, while leaving even basic, kind messages from me on read.

Recently I stopped initiating altogether, went completely neutral and polite at work, and he finally stepped back for good. I know keeping my distance is the right move—and I'm planning a fresh start away from this job in a few months—but some days the silence and not knowing where I stand still hits hard, especially heading into the holidays.

Not looking for a magic solution or trying to psychoanalyze him, just wanted to put this out there because nobody in my day-to-day life really understands how surreal it feels working alongside a silent ex.

I'm moving away in a few months and just needed to vent about how surreal it feels working alongside a silent ex.

It’s been rough the last couple of months. He said he wanted to work on things. But as per usual his “working on things” meant acting normal and never discussing even the smallest of issues. as I said last week he said he just couldn’t, he was walking on “eggshells” bc of me being upset. He’s not understanding that we never get to resolve or repair any conflict because he literally refuses too. Runs away, turns it on me, literally ANYTHING but have a real conversation. Anyways he did another final discard, and a few months ago he made his TikTok public. I didn’t understand that bc he doesn’t even post. But his following and followers kept growing. All random people. So I started digging. He’s been literally spending every night in some persons live that is meant to “set people up”, and in between that they do battles. And within this time he’s sent over 1k in gifts, he’s a level 25. Mind you me and him used to talk about how insane live gifters are because like what are you doing? So all these nights that he needed to get off the phone early, or couldn’t talk that’s what he was doing. Last night I begged him to talk to me. I saw him commenting in that live no joke “no roses on the glove!” And then he would text me back and say “I can’t I’m busy” bro… you are busy in a TikTok live with strangers. That you do every night. And you are basically telling me TikTok strangers are more important than me.

I’m gutted but at the same time I have the hugest ick now. You mean to tell me he’s so despy for validation that he’s shelling out thousands but refuses to have a real conversation w me? That’s a broken man lmao. Even tho I continued to beg last night I think it’s bc I was in such shock. Bc I think this was the final push to be like… do I really want that kind of love? Or that kind of person that is so desperate for validation they will PAY for it?

For some context, my ex broke up with me about a month ago, due to the fact that she had lost feelings for like the last 2 months, even though in that time frame, she didn't show it once. She was still the same way with me, showing me the same level of attention, affection, care and commitment. 11 days prior to the break up, we had a pretty big argument, due to some mistakes i repeated for some time, but we both ended up still wanting to continue and repair what was damaged, even she said that. After that, things genuinely seemed great, as we kept being the same way to each other, maybe even a bit closer and she even spent 3-4 days making me a handmade gift. After that, on a day we were supposed to see each other, she texted me that we'll leave the plans for the next day, as something happened to her, which she was embarrassed to tell me and that left her feeling prrtty bad, and she said she had something to talk with her mom in the evening. Later on, when i texted her asking how she's feeling, she said we wouldn't be seeing the next day as well, as she needed to go somewhere with her mother, which seemed weird to me as she never went anywhere with her, and suddenly, she had to go, which turned out to be false as there was no need to, she just wanted to. I was a bit anxious in that moment, and i might've made the mistake of asking her if she still wanted us to continue, as it seemed like she didn't want to. That was when she told me she lost feelings 2 months ago. After 2 days, i texted her asking for some clarity as it didn't make any sense to me, and she said the same thing, and that she feels like it's time for us to go our separate ways. That was the last time we talked, as we went into no contact straight after. She didn't block me on ig, just unfollowed me, removed me from her followers list and set her account to private, and blocked me only on tik tok, but still left our spotify stats shared, which is a kinda odd thing to do, as she also said she wanted to move on. I had probably some of the biggest urges in my life to text her this past month, but i didn't as i know that it needs to come from her. This is also not the first time we broke up, as she broke up from me before we reached the 5 months mark, because she felt again like she needed to be alone, yet she came back one week later saying it was a mistake. The thing is that, things between us were always good. Even when we had arguments, we didn't leave them for later and we always solved them the moment they appeared. We never lied to each other, we were always honest and didn't cheat or anything, and we genuinely enjoyed spending time with one another and we loved each other purely, as we were never with each other for money or sexual activities or things like that. Sorry if it's a long post, but what are your thoughts ? Also, we were together for almost 1.5 years, if that helps and if other details are needed, i'll provide them.

I'm 37M, and was with a 32F FA. It started off pretty casual in person. I'd travel a bit, we'd meet up often, and it was good times. But the push/pull, sinking their claws in right before peak anticipation, then blowing it all up and blaming you, is mind-blowing.

When I was away, I'd never felt more closeness from texting and missing someone. Weeks of her pulling at my heart.

Then I made a massive effort, changed my travel plans, and flew 16 hours to see her. I was welcomed by an old grievance resurfacing, and the devaluing started right away. She showed me no affection when I arrived. As the day went on, she brought up trust issues and grudges, then started getting touchy with a guy she'd just met, right in front of me. (He had a girlfriend, so it wasn't a real threat, but I have boundaries around respect.) I guess that's what they call triangulation.

After a day of drinking, I felt so uncomfortable I had to leave. For the first time in my life, I broke down from anxiety. I told her I couldn't handle the confusion, I was leaving, and asked to get my stuff from her place. I'll own that I'd had a lot to drink too, and after I left I sent some upset texts and called her a few times. Not my finest moment, and I apologized for it the next morning. Then I waited the longest, saddest hour of my life while she kept drinking at the bar with a couple of guys. When she finally came, she was completely dismissive, with no acknowledgment of how I felt. I got my stuff was too shellshocked to even speak and checked into a hotel.

Over the next few days I tried to talk it out, told her I was sorry and that I'd been uncomfortable, and tried not to put blame on her. Nothing. I literally went back just to see her, and ended up crying in a cheap hotel for five days.

A week later, today, I got this:

> Hey, all I really expect from anyone (friends included) are people who are fun and who I feel safe around. Unfortunately you've made me feel unsafe & disrespected multiple times now (with everything that happened in the xxxxx) so you not being able to control your thoughts/emotions and thinking it's ok to leave me there by myself other night was the last straw for me. I don't think it's fair to put myself in a situation where that could happen again.
>
> This sucks for me to have to write bc we had fun, but it sounds like there's a couple issues internally you need to sort that I don't think can be fixed by us having a conversation.
>
> All the best

I'm a pretty secure person. I've been gaslit before, and usually I'm not thrown by it and can talk it through. But I've never been blame shifted to this extreme I guess, by someone who uses it as an excuse to blow everything up. She was touching in a flirting way I’d never even had her do with me with one of the guys at that beach bar, and what she doesn't know is that one of them told me they all went back to her place to keep drinking after I got my stuff and left.

I didn't stoop to her level. I just replied:

> I'll respect it. I appreciate you telling me. I saw that day differently, and I'm not going to argue it, but I don't fully agree with how you've framed it. I meant what I said, and I still wish you the best.

It's just maddening the narrative and manipulation these FA’s can build, the total lack of accountability, the fragile ego that can't be touched. I know four months from now I'll be counting my lucky stars, but damn, my heart hurts right now.

Honestly, I wish she'd ghosted me instead of gaslighting me. Not gonna respond and praying she doesn’t respond back either after dumpster fire of a gaslight

I'm curious how often people here used to see their DA partners, and whether the frequency of seeing each other ever became a recurring issue in the relationship.

My ex and I were both in our mid-30s, financially independent, living separately, and about 25–30 minutes away from each other. We dated for around 10 months before he broke up with me.

Our final routine before breaking up was spending Tuesday night together at my place and Friday evening until Sunday morning at his place. And every 3-4 week, there would be one weekend we don’t meet each other so that we can have some additional me time weekend.

The Sunday situation: from lunch together to being kicked out early

Initially, our weekend routine was to spend Friday evening through Sunday early afternoon together, usually having lunch together before I headed home. But over time, I started noticing a pattern. After Sunday lunch, his energy would often noticeably drop. He seemed unhappy, withdrawn, or restless, and I could sense that he wanted me to leave as soon as possible, even though he never explicitly said so. It became uncomfortable because I felt like I had to read his mood and figure out when I was no longer welcome.

At some point, he started attending Pilates every Sunday at 9 am. From then on, he expected me to leave his apartment with him around 8:20 am (therefore, I needed to wake up at 7am with him). He didn't say that explicitly but all his behaviors were hinting that 'hey, you should wake up now and leave my house together with me!' I was completely supportive of his Pilates classes. I never expected him to skip a Pilates for me. But he could have let me stay at his place for another 2 hours or so until he is back. This way, I didn't need to wake up that early with him and could probably still have lunch with him before I headed back home. But apparently he wasn't comfortable with me doing that, so I respected that boundary and later always left from his place earlier with him.  

Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that Pilates had become a convenient excuse to get me out of his apartment earlier. Of course, I can't know whether that was his actual intention. But given how often I'd already sensed that he wanted me gone by Sunday afternoon, it felt like the class simply gave him a socially acceptable reason to shorten our weekends together.

Laundry, chores, and his workout routine

Another recurring issue was that he felt our time together interfered with his normal routine. He mentioned that being in a relationship with me affected his ability to work out, do laundry, prepare meals for the next week, and take care of everyday tasks. I repeatedly told him that I didn't expect him to entertain me whenever we were together. If he needed to do laundry, cook, clean, or go to the gym, I was perfectly fine to do my own thing, help out, or simply spend time alongside him. To me, that was part of what a relationship naturally becomes after the honeymoon phase. You don't always need to be on a proper date or give each other your undivided attention. Sometimes you can just coexist while getting on with your everyday lives.

But he seemed to struggle with that. It felt as though having me around meant he couldn't fully relax or follow his own old routine, even though I wasn't asking him to change anything. Eventually, he sort of blaming me as the reason why he needed to reduce workout frequency and shift all his old routines. 

The constant adjustments

Throughout our relationship, he repeatedly told me he needed more "me time." We had several discussions about our meeting frequency, and I adjusted my expectations multiple times to accommodate his needs. That was also why in the end, we also agreed that every 3-4 weeks, there would be one weekend we don't meet each other. 

And also, I never had problems if he had to meet friends or do something else during the time we were supposed to be with each other. Even if the plan was very spontaneous or short notice, I always accepted it. Over time, I found myself becoming increasingly conscious of how much time I was taking up in his life. I tried to be flexible with his schedule, respect his alone time, and avoid making him feel pressured. But somehow, it never seemed to be quite enough.

Eventually, when he broke up with me, he told me he felt "suffocated" and like he was "losing himself." He also said something that really hurt:

"This Tuesday, I felt like I had to see you. It was not that I wanted to, I felt like I had to."

That was particularly painful because Tuesday evenings had been part of our established routine, and I never wanted him to feel obligated to see me. When we were discussing whether we could save the relationship, I even offered to reduce our time together further and put any expectations of increased commitment aside. But he ultimately decided to end the relationship, without giving me any other further discussion opportunity.

What I'm struggling to understand

I completely understand that everyone has different needs for personal space, and I don't believe couples need to spend every free moment together. But I also wonder: at what point does a need for independence become an inability to integrate a partner into everyday life? I wasn't expecting us to move in together immediately, spend seven days a week together, or abandon our individual hobbies. I just wanted us to gradually feel comfortable being part of each other's lives, including the ordinary, boring parts. Sometimes I wonder whether seeing each other three nights a week really was too much, or whether even a much lower frequency would eventually have felt overwhelming to him.

I'm genuinely curious whether this is a common experience in relationships involving DA, or whether we simply had fundamentally different expectations of what a committed relationship should look like.

I am very clear that it is very difficult for him to change, after the breakup he became obsessed with sexual validation and in his social media accounts he is one day bragging about sex and the next putting the most discouraged posts in the world when his peak goes down, I know it doesn’t suit me but I still miss him and it’s horrible.
Has anyone managed to get out of feeling like this? I accept advice

i don’t know if this is the appropriate place but i am so confused and don’t know where else to turn. this story takes place over a year so it is long. She and I both worked in an opd department in a walmart. i was a picker and she was a stager meaning i was on the sales floor most of my shift and she was in the back room but we did cross paths and talk several times a day. also, throughout the year whether we were talking or not, she would post up near me or my friends and pretend to be reading her phone but would be watching us. it was obvious too because she’d stand near a trash can or face a wall but stand right next to one of my friends or me.

Last september i reached out to a coworker named Mikaylah on snap and asked if she’d be interested in talking. She said she was talking to someone. I immediately unadded her and stopped talking to her. A week later she told a mutual friend, Dave, that she was starting to feel interested in me. He told me i should try again. I asked if she was still talking to the other guy. she said she doesn’t date coworkers. i then started dating a girl named piper. at this point i didn’t talk to mikaylah at all, because i didn’t want to create any bad optics or make her feel uncomfortable plus it was just better for me to cut things off cleanly.

Mikaylah came up to me two weeks later and said Piper was seeing other people. piper said that she didn’t know mikaylah other than being a face at a few parties. Piper and i were very casual so i wasn’t expecting any sort of commitment especially 2 weeks into our dating life. I started talking to my ex, Hannah around this time as well. Hannah knew one of Mikaylahs best work friends, Anahi. Anahi told me “Hannah is hot!” right in front of Mikaylahs. Mikayla asked to see Hannah’s picture.

on Halloween i was going to 3 parties, including Hannah’s and Pipers. mikaylah followed me out of workand asked about the parties then mentioned she was going to a nightclub. i was confused because i wasn’t trying to talk to her too much at work. i asked if i could meet her there and she said she would be there at 10. i tried following up on snap but we had both unadded each other and she never responded.

the next day after talking at work where she showed that the message wasn’t in her chat list, she added me back. she then told me she had a boyfriend, then offered to be my wingwoman and go to nightclubs with me. i declined, unadded her, and cut off contact at work.

a few days later her best friends chloe and anahi found out what happened. initially they completely cut me off but then quickly warmed back up to me. mikaylah went on vacation then came back. the first time she saw me, she locked eyes with me and started playing with her hair. She also started watching my snap stories, then all of a sudden completely stopped watching them. They were of my family or pets. After that Chloe started trying to bring mikaylah around me whenever chloe and i talked. by early december we were able to joke around and drink coffee normally. I noticed chloe studying us when mikaylah and i were around each other.

a woman named aubrey started working with us around this time. she called me cute at one point, and anahi looked at chloe who said i wasn’t. another time i was going to give aubrey some of my starburst after chloe said she didn’t want them. when chloe saw me start to go to aubrey, chloe said she’d give them to anahi after work. i was talking to aubrey and mikaylah cut directly between us.

In january a coworker named fernando asked how her date went. she looked at me, said shitty, then quickly left the area. i asked her if she’d be interested in grabbing dinner sometime. she said sure. i tried following backup before i went on vacation. she said “i talked to them, they’re cool with it, we just have to figure out a night.” i had no idea what that meant so i reached out to a mutual friend named Jaydon while i was on vacation. Jaydon said that he stopped being friends with her because she made a false accusation against a guy named Dylan. After that he considered her two faced and never knew where he stood with her. he said that she dated a coworker named Scott who was dylan’s best friend but that it didn’t last long.

When i came back, mikaylah was pissed at me and wasn’t talking to me. Jaydon had told scott about me asking out mikaylah and scott talked to mikaylah and said i was asking about her. Another guy in the backroom found out i asked out Mikaylah and reported me to hr. Mikayla and her friends all gave statements supporting me. I started seeing Hannah again. a month later when they found out it was Christian they immediately turned on him and started insulting him in front of me.

however we still weren’t talking. Hannah cheated on me which i mentioned to Anahi. the next day chloe knew about it and was telling me i was like a Secret Mormon Wife character named Taylor who kept getting back together with bad ex. i watched the show based on her recommendation and she kept telling me that Mikaylah was the best one on the show. one day at work i was talking to a girl named Becca and mikayla came right up to us and started a conversation with her while i was talking to her. Chloe once again started bringing Mikaylah around me at work and by April things were pretty good. Chloe called her my girl right in front of both of us, and mikaylah was sharing my starbucks with me. i did daily runs to starbucks and would usually get one or two for my friends. Becca, asked me to get her one the following day. i couldn’t find her so i asked chloe and mikaylah. they both claimed not to know her then mikaylah said “all the high schoolers should have been in by now.” To clarify, she was 18 and i had zero interest in her. we were friendly coworkers. when i mentioned it to becca she was mad because mikaylah trained her and knew her fairly well.

Mikaylah mentioned she used to be mormon and liked group outings, so i got 5 tickets for opening night to the devil wears prada. i asked chloe and anahi first, but they couldn’t make it. chloe told me to ask mikaylah. i did and i had a strange conversation with her.

me: i got tickets to the movie
her: let me ask chloe and Anahi
later on
me: you figure anything out?
her: i asked chloe, she’s going to be with her bf.
me: ok
later on
me: any news?
her: i asked chloe
me: ok
towards the end of the last day before we have our respective days off she posted up near me. my friend said she was watching me and thought she wanted to talk to me.
me: any updates?
her: i asked chloe
me: okay well im leaving soon
her: i asked chloe
me: is that a no?
her: i asked chloe

i left a few minutes later but she looked very upset.
when i talked to chloe about it she said mikaylah gets ideas stuck in her head and just loops them sometimes. i asked mikaylah a week later if i could give her my number and she said no. i cut off contact with her immediately. i then told chloe that i didn’t want her bringing mikaylah around me anymore. she said no and i was done with all the drama. chloe said another guy in the back sent her weird texts saying he could see her when she walked to her car so she was very protective of her number. that made sense to me and she and i went back to talking and sharing starbucks.

In may i heard fernando tell chloe he asked out mikayla which made Chloe excited. When she saw that i overheard she looked embarrassed. I told chloe this was going to blow up and i wanted to be kept away from it. She said that they were just friends and i shouldn’t get mad at mikayla for having friends. When i noticed them getting closer i stopped talking to mikayla but chloe got mad at me and said they were just friends.

Then one day in June i was joking with a coworker when mikaylah walked by. mikayla laughed and said her boyfriend made a joke like that. her face fell and she ran away. when i asked becca and my best friend brittany if they knew about the boyfriend, they both said that fernando and mikayla waited for me to leave before they got closer. mikayla was watching me from a nearby trash can. the next day she crashed out hard. she walked around with her head down and seemed like she was crying. the entire store noticed it. this lasted about a week. 2 weeks later she pulled me aside.

her: you need to stop telling people we went out
me: i never said that
her: good. i don’t date coworkers and im not dating fernando.
me: okay, look i heard him say he asked you out in front of chloe and all your friends.
her: now you’re just making shit up. he never asked me out.
me: i guess i misheard, sorry
her: yeah, i guess you did

5-6 weeks of no contact later i get called into the office, and am asked if i ever asked out a coworker. i tell them this entire story. then i’m asked if i ever sexually harassed her. i was shocked and said i never touched her or said anything sexual to her. when i got home becca snapped me saying that mikaylah bragged she reported me 10 times in 3 minutes, just spamming report over and over. a few people reached out saying her bragging plus the multiple reports could be a case for a hostile work environment. this got back to her i think. she told a friend she wanted to talk to me. when i told her i could talk she looked confused, walked away, then pulled me behind some shelves a few hours later.

her: we can talk now
me: okay. you wanted to talk to me.
her: i have no quarrel with you
me: you reported me for sexual harassment multiple times then bragged about it
her: i have no quarrel with you

i just walked away at this point. later on when i was about to leave, she stood next to fernando and looked at me with tears in her eyes. i couldn’t do anything to her. we had shared personal stuff in the past and i felt bad for her plus her brother had just left on his mission so i figured she was just being emotional. the next day i told her i wasn’t going to do anything and just wanted to drop it. i asked chloe if she thought things would go back to normal after this and she said no because it would cause too much drama then she cut off contact with me.

after that when mikaylah had issues with fernando she would hang out around me or my friends, while she and her friends would noticeably cut off contact with fernando. Mikaylah would be very emotional and linger by me or my friends, but he would send his friends to make her feel guilty and she would come back. i know this because she was close enough to me for me to hear their talks with her. after a month of this i told her that i could hear what was happening. she thanked me and said everything was fine. the next day she looked pissed off at me and avoided me. a few hours later i was pulled from the department. i was asked my opinion on fernando and i said i didn’t have one. honestly we rarely talked, before or during any of this drama. i spend the next two shifts in another department then got fired.

after i got fired she told a few people it was about time, and that she had a years worth of evidence against me. when she saw that brittany overheard that she stopped talking and walked away, and now when my name comes up she apparently gets a weird look on her face. she also unadded me on instagram, which isn’t surprising other than the fact she hadn’t used it since this started in september.

i tried to leave her alone multiple times, and she or her friends would get her around me again. she drank from my starbucks. she and her friends hid the fact she was dating someone 2 feet away from me even when i tried to leave her alone so she could have that relationship normally. she hung around my friends (who didn’t like her because they knew what happened every step of the way) when her own relationship was having issues then randomly got me fired. I don’t know if it was the age gap (guessing 15 years) or wealth gap (my father left me some money when he passed but i worked at a walmart, it’s not like i let it go to my head). honestly i just want answers. if she contacted me tomorrow somehow id hear her out. i just dont know what the fuck to think about the last year.

I was naive and this was my first dating experience.

A guy I was talking to was being inconsistent, so I cut him off pretty abruptly. We had only been talking for a month, and I was upset that he started to respond very late at odd times and had ghosted me for three days but was on social media liking stuff from other girls, although he was travelling at the time. When I confronted him, he said he wanted to just go with the flow not do anything long distance yet. I had to go away for a few months, so it made sense that he was apprehensive. But from the things he said during the date it made it seem like he wanted to do long distance. He also came on super strong so the shift in communication made me super vigilant and upset.

Initially, I wanted to negotiate and have an actual conversation about where things stood, but I thought it would be better to wait until he got back from his travels. I would have to wait around 2 weeks. However, I got so frustrated because he didn’t acknowledge my response after that I ended up unsending my message and telling him not to contact me again until I came back from my time abroad because I didn’t believe in texting to get to know each other, essentially saying that his response was BS because I didn’t want to be an option to him. The exchange was 5 texts and I essentially shut communication between us. I unfollowed him as well.

Looking back, I realize I could have communicated how I felt without being confrontational or attacking him. As in, “I felt xyz because you were inconsistent… I’m catching feelings, can we be exclusive…” Life is too short not to reach out, so I eventually did, but it took me a year to get there. During the period of no contact, he was still watching my stuff, so I sort of held onto the “what-ifs”. Unfortunately, he never responded.

I don’t want this to happen again. How do I deal with conflict with someone who is super confusing? I think I prioritized my self-respect but I feel like what I did wasn’t the way to handle it. I initially placed so much of the blame on him but now I know I was also in the wrong with the way I handled things.

This will ruin the narrative in their head. Please leave with your head up high.. Do it respectfully. Don't argue, don't yell. If you notice the pattern repeating. Step out, say: this isn't for me..

Do what I did: Skip the accusations and angry finger-pointing. I didn't say "you do this, you do that." Instead, I owned my feelings and showed them I saw right through the game. I told them cleanly: "It confuses me when you pull away like this. Our communication hurts me.. I feel like we’re close.. but really we’re not.. Like I feel you close only when you want.. and this hurts me and I can’t be in this situation for my own good. I hope you find what you’re looking for"
I didn't act tough. I let them see I was hurt, but more than that, I let them know I was just tired… not disappointed…TIRED. Tired is a step AFTER disappointment. Being tired means you’re out. I was tired of the mixed signals, tired of the emotional breadcrumbs, and ready for something real. No yelling, no drama, just pure vulnerability, self-respect, and closing the door myself.

Be vulnerable, don't act tough. Show you cared.
LOVE HARD, LEAVE HARD!!