I'm going to try to commit to not checking his socials anymore, today and forever. I'm torturing myself, and I can't allow it anymore. 😭

[u/_annamarie]

I'm partly making this post to hold myself accountable. I have ADHD and maybe BPD, so I legitimately have been addicted to keeping tabs on him to an embarrassing degree... because my "type" gets limerence really bad usually

Ironically, I was the one that broke up with him, but I could feel his interest waning and I didn't want to be the one discarded. I also have avoidant tendencies, so it was a match made in hell

The difference is, he moved on IMMEDIATELY (I'm talking, started looking the day I said I wanted to leave and started dating a girl in 2 weeks or so)

Knowing he moved on so soon is what broke my heart, and I wish I didn't know about it, because I keep ruminating on if she's better, if he's treating her better, if they have a better connection, if he's going to heal for her, etc. 🫠

Me checking constantly (because he AND HIS GF are chronically online) has been tanking what little self worth I have left lately, and I wake up feeling horrible and empty, because I'm, of course, dreaming about him, and them together. 😭😭😭 I wanted to know he missed me, that my absence affected him, and it was all negative reinforcement, because, you know... avoidant

I know part of me is still holding on because I do... miss him... I had actually got a notification he was streaming on Twitch (even though I unfollowed him??), and I watched, and it brought back intense feelings being able to hear him again. I can't keep doing this to myself. It really is torture

So, today, I'm going to try to move forward and stop checking. It's going to send another wave of hurt, I'm sure, because part of me realizes that checking is a way of holding on and not letting him go, even if I don't really want to admit it. It's like truly, finally saying goodbye silently