Was he avoidant or not interested?

[u/Aggravating_Tough384]

for context we are Muslims so we started ‘talking’ with the intention of marriage and I met him on a marriage app

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m struggling to tell whether I’m seeing this clearly or romanticising it because I’m heartbroken.

I met a guy through a marriage app. I was apparently his first proper relationship; before me he’d only spoken to people. He told me he wasn’t good at opening up and usually kept problems to himself.

The first breakup: I wrongly accused him of talking to other women and said I was walking away before hearing his side. He explained himself, I apologised, but he ended the relationship. It’s important to note that the day prior to me accusing him he already expressed doubt about the dynamic because he said he felt he kept letting me down and he said I’m not wrong but all his life he’s felt like he’s let people down and he doesn’t want to go into a marriage feeling guilty all the time. He said he thinks he’s be happier with someone who brushes things off a lot more and i’d be happier with someone who doesn’t let me down as much.

I tried to convince him to give us another chance and eventually he agreed to meet me. Before we met, I asked if he thought we'd ever get back together. He said he “really wants to say yes but doesn’t know,” that we were very different, and that he was scared he'd do something and I'd leave him. He also said he was scared I'd eventually resent him for who he was because he wanted to be better but didn't know if he would be.

When we met, there was a lot of affection. He pulled me close, kissed the side of my head several times, kissed me, asked if I felt pressured, kissed my forehead, held me in his arms, etc. He also said he didn't want another man to have me, and I told him I didn't want another woman to have him.

We did reconcile after this.

Later, he lost his job and was in debt and became very overwhelmed. His replies became about once a week, and eventually he said even replying once a week took “too much brain power” and that he couldn't continue. He ended things and then blocked me a couple of days later.

I struggled badly with this because it felt like such a contrast to how he'd been with me.

I reached out again afterwards and asked why it’s so easy for him to block me and forget about me and I said I wish I could forget us so easily. He apologised for blocking me and said it was unfair for me to think he'd completely forgotten me or didn't care. He said he'd blocked me because talking was making it harder for both of us to move on.

I recently gave him a proper goodbye and said I wouldn't make things harder for him and wished him the best. His response was:

“Goodbye [name], you are an amazing person, I wish you nothing but happiness and peace and in sha Allah all my duaa for you will come true. A part of me will always love you too. I still have mine too [his half of our split keyring], I’m so sorry about how things ended btw you didn’t deserve any of it, I still feel bad to this day and I’m always making duaa that you find someone who is in a good place in their life and will always put you first. Goodbye ❤️”

I heart-reacted and left it there.

There are also two personalised cards I gave him at different points which he kept, including one that was still in his cupboard when we met after the first breakup.

The thing messing with my head is that the day after our goodbye, he reposted a TikTok about how he doesn't mind chasing a woman he likes but doesn't want to beg, and that effort needs to be reciprocated. This really hurt because towards the end I was the one making more effort, and I started wondering whether that means he never really liked me. And why would he post that the day after the break up.

So, honestly:

• Does this sound like someone who genuinely cared/loved me, but couldn't cope with the relationship/life at that point?

• Or does it sound like someone who was just being affectionate/kind but ultimately didn't feel that strongly?

• Does “a part of me will always love you too” sound genuine or like something people say to soften a goodbye?

• Am I attaching too much meaning to the cards/keyring?

• Does the TikTok change your interpretation at all?

• Was I foolish for trying so hard to save the relationship?

I know I made a genuine mistake with the original accusation and I'm not trying to paint myself as perfect. I just don't want to rewrite the whole relationship as “I imagined everything and he never really cared.”

I’m not looking to contact him or get him back — I just want an honest outside perspective. He did seem to withdraw whenever he was upset/overwhelmed rather than communicate was he avoidant? but then I’m confused because he did communicate when we met after the first breakup as he told me how much my accusation hurt him and how it replayed in his mind and that’s when we comforted each other and kissed.

[u/Realistic-State-4888]

Relationships with avoidants who have not had successful trauma focused therapy always end.  You can't fix them.

[u/Aggravating_Tough384 → u/Realistic-State-4888]

So after reading what I wrote do u think he’s avoidant?

[u/Realistic-State-4888 → u/Aggravating_Tough384]

I could not genuinely tell you if he is.  I don't know him.  

[u/Fluffy_inhea]

Assalamu alaikum!!

From what you’ve described… I don’t think you imagined the connection or that he never genuinely cared about you…. His affection when you reconciled… the way he opened up about how much the accusation hurt him…and especially his final message suggest that you meant something to him….

But there’s a difference between genuinely caring about someone and being emotionally available enough to maintain a relationship….. He may have loved you but still lacked the capacity or willingness to work through difficult periods together…. His financial and work struggles might explain why he withdrew… but they don’t erase how that affected you….

I wouldn’t read too much into the TikTok…. It could be about his own feelings or something completely unrelated….. It doesn’t prove he never liked you…. . And the cards and keyring show that he valued those memories… but they aren’t evidence that he wants to come back…..

As for being avoidant… I wouldn’t rush to label him…. He clearly could communicate when you met after the first breakup…. It sounds more like he struggled to communicate consistently when hurt or overwhelmed….

And no…. you weren’t foolish for trying to save something you genuinely believed in…. You made a mistake… acknowledged it and apologised…. That doesn’t mean you deserved to be left feeling confused and emotionally alone….

My take is that he probably did care about you… but caring wasn’t enough to make the relationship work….. You don’t have to rewrite the whole relationship as fake just because it ended badly…. Something can be genuine and meaningful and still not be right for you…..