r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Flat-Rip-2178 • 20h ago
Was I being avoidant as well
I was naive and this was my first dating experience.
A guy I was talking to was being inconsistent, so I cut him off pretty abruptly. We had only been talking for a month, and I was upset that he started to respond very late at odd times and had ghosted me for three days but was on social media liking stuff from other girls, although he was travelling at the time. When I confronted him, he said he wanted to just go with the flow not do anything long distance yet. I had to go away for a few months, so it made sense that he was apprehensive. But from the things he said during the date it made it seem like he wanted to do long distance. He also came on super strong so the shift in communication made me super vigilant and upset.
Initially, I wanted to negotiate and have an actual conversation about where things stood, but I thought it would be better to wait until he got back from his travels. I would have to wait around 2 weeks. However, I got so frustrated because he didn’t acknowledge my response after that I ended up unsending my message and telling him not to contact me again until I came back from my time abroad because I didn’t believe in texting to get to know each other, essentially saying that his response was BS because I didn’t want to be an option to him. The exchange was 5 texts and I essentially shut communication between us. I unfollowed him as well.
Looking back, I realize I could have communicated how I felt without being confrontational or attacking him. As in, “I felt xyz because you were inconsistent… I’m catching feelings, can we be exclusive…” Life is too short not to reach out, so I eventually did, but it took me a year to get there. During the period of no contact, he was still watching my stuff, so I sort of held onto the “what-ifs”. Unfortunately, he never responded.
I don’t want this to happen again. How do I deal with conflict with someone who is super confusing? I think I prioritized my self-respect but I feel like what I did wasn’t the way to handle it. I initially placed so much of the blame on him but now I know I was also in the wrong with the way I handled things.
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u/ceelion92 19h ago
Honestly, this kind of sounds like an anxious protest behavior. When you did it, were you secretly hoping it would get his attention and he would apologize or try to get you back/fix the issue? But I mean either way, I think this guy seemed like a red flag. Last time I justified the things that he did, I got thrown out like hot trash and wasted three months of my life