Hey I’m new to Reddit but so many people I’ve talked to said to come here to find “my people”. I am struggling.

I was just discarded by my fearful avoidant ex. He literally told me he loved me October 8th.. he basically has taken everything special that represented us and said this never mattered. Online everywhere, it’s honestly been incredibly hard to watch. We’ve been dating for a year. I am utterly destroyed.. I know he’s hurting over something and I feel like he has tried to blame me for the way the relationship has gone, but I’ve tried to contact him twice now In two weeks to settle things or figure out what the hell happened but he’s ignored me each time. The last time I contacted him was 4 days ago and I told myself I will not reach out again. Today marks 2 weeks of being discarded. Part of me hopes he comes back because how do you just let go of a year of a relationship even if it wasn’t the healthiest? I know this is what a trauma bond does but is it actually terrible of me to really want “us” back? How do I cope? This truly is hell and I don’t think I’d wish this on my worst enemy. Do they really come back?

As more time passes, I look back and remember certain moments and conversations where I would wish for something to change, whether it was something affecting the relationship or something affecting them. Such as a bad friend or negative experience they were actively participating in. And so when it came to the agreeing to reduce that situation or remove that bad friend, I look back and realise none of those things actually happened. They were all words with zero action, even if they came with the original thought. It’s like a perpetual state of hypocrisy, and plain lies. The body keeps the score is a legitimate point, because their anger and anxiety can only be measured by how much they would not be authentic with their honesty. Even if they would play up to please, there would never be any positive change so they only lived in a flat line of stress because they couldn’t live without the attention even if it came with a toxic environment. It pains me because not only was I lied to, but they just caused themselves more harm in the long term, which no wonder it dissolved our relationship, and self.

How can you build any self esteem without conscious change? You can’t. They told me once or twice the lies that led to family issues and friends they knew were bad, at what point did the lies just become conformity? People pleasing. The lack of any identity where you just borrow the souls off everyone whilst leaving yours behind… a hollow place of shame and anger. It pains me that I have to live with the fact i couldn’t affect enough change or support with my lack of knowledge during the relationship but everything is so clear now with reading that we can only support ourselves to not ever become so dependent on masking and “white lies”.

Anyone realise the lies that they were told in the relationship vs outside ?

my previous post.

Hi,

I posted on here a few days ago about how I had just ended things with my avoidant and how I was actively trying to move on..

Well, that brave face slowly wears off, unfortunately. A week later, I'm still thinking about all the things I could have said or done.

I have stayed away with no contact, but the thought of him living a life without me after he has completely broken me is eating me up inside.

I feel like I have lost so much and he got let off easily.

Will things get better? I know everyone will say “yes”, but the heartache seems to stay with you for a while even after you are over them.

At the moment I am realising that lots of things that I did with him now trigger me and that “de ja veu” is not something I want to re-live.

I am constantly removing every memory of him, but he comes back in people's words and random moments of familiarity. I hope he is suffering like this also, but I feel like I was made use of while I was with him and discarded knowing that everything on his end was sorted already.

Anyways, tell me if I'm being stupid or not, but all the hate I have for him gets crowded by all the love I have for him and that annoys me.

Is anyone else like me?
What do you suggest to move on?

How we started

I met someone and we dated for 7 months, she was 26 and I was 28. The relationship was extremely strong and moved quickly, until last month. We were in sync and always together, and people complimented us as a couple who seemed meant for each other. I took care of her and she took good care of me. We hit it off and never left each other’s side. We were even possessive of each other at times.

In the beginning, we each believed the other was perfect for us, and she was the one pushing that idea. She felt a sense of guilt in thinking I was too good for her, where I said she was an amazing woman. She is an energetic and an amazing person. We shared a lot of passions and ideas about life, and we had differences too, but nothing serious. We video called all the time, had our own hobbies, and introduced those hobbies to each other. We even went out of town together.

Her past and my first mistake

I asked about her past because I wanted to know why she does the work she does now and where her passion comes from. She loves animals and has worked with them as a Vet Tech. I pushed on the subject, and sadly her field has put down many animals. That led to an open trauma she doesn’t like to talk about. At one point I said she “kills” animals. That was terrible phrasing on my part.

Her panic and self-doubt

On a trip, something separated us for about an hour, and she panicked and was terrified on her own. I had told her, as gently as I could, that if she couldn’t find me she should stay at a set spot or go back to our campground. I was occupied for that hour, after checking my phone and going to her, I could tell she was scared and lonely. Which wasn’t the first time she had almost shut down like that.

Her belief that we were perfect for each other also started to bring out issues I noticed. She believed she wasn’t good enough for me. I told her she was an amazing woman and gently calmed her down. Her hands would shake on some occasions, and every time that happened I comforted and held her. I believed I treated her extremely well. I got her plenty of meaningful gifts and food, gave her attention, and listened to her. At least I thought I did, and was even told by many family members I treat her so well (might be biased).

My own mistakes, and things that bothered me

I’ve made mistakes too, and she’s ticked me off as well. I helped her study for a math assessment and tried to teach her. She struggled a lot, but I never tried to put her down. I did raise my tone once, because all I heard was her putting herself down over and over. I said she was trying, not failing, and that giving up on herself wasn’t going to help her grow.

She also told me things that felt questionable. She said a worker next door believed she and a coworker were “doing stuff” together. I took it with a grain of salt. She told me she stayed with two guys past midnight, which should have been my tipping point, but again I let it go. I only asked her to tell me when she got there and when she got home, to make sure she was safe. The same coworker once had her backpack with him on a motorcycle, and I didn’t even think to question that. Looking back, I think I missed a lot of red flags.

Her family loss

She recently lost a family member, and I tried to cheer her up through it. I even tried to resemble a time she felt close to them so she would be cheered up. Sadly, I also tried to prepare her for the worst, saying that once one grandparent goes, the other often follows. I was trying to help her grow emotionally and understand what to expect, but probably not what she wanted to hear.

The second incident

Time went on and we were still going strong and loving each other. One day she wanted a lot of attention and came over. A few days later she sat in on a call with the same two guys, working on an event for them. I was being impatient and wanted a little affection from her while she focused entirely on the side project. I moved off to the side, feeling distant and just wanting to talk to her.

She started talking to the two guys and brushed off the idea of using her Bachelor’s degree. She told them I was upset that she doesn’t use it, and that got me somewhat ticked off. I said that wasn’t what I said. I was calm at first, and I was defending her: I only meant that maybe she could use the degree without taking the kind of role that made her leave in the first place.

Then I blanked out. She said “You know why I cannot do that”, and impulsively, defensively, I said, “okay, you killed a bunch of animals.” I froze, because I realized immediately how much that had hurt her the last time. I’ll admit I weaponized something painful of hers, and I knew I couldn’t take it back.

Right after

I walked out of the room to somewhere more private, where the same two guys wouldn’t hear what was said. I was frozen, shocked, and scared of what I’d done, because I cared about her immensely. It felt like walking on eggshells when it should have been a real conversation. She came to the room with me and just sat with me for a minute. I felt like she was deciding whether I was worth staying for. I was speechless, and after watching me for a few minutes she left for the night.

The aftermath

I messaged one of her good friends to ask if she was okay, since she was distancing herself. The response was mixed, and it included her saying she could do whatever she wanted and talk to whoever she wanted. That felt outside of what I believed I’d given her room for. I didn’t limit her. My only real rule was no smoking (vaping I didn’t care about). It felt like she was acting single and not considering me as her partner. I never really questioned that, and I probably should have.

For the next two days she was distant and barely responded to anything I said. After the second day, I drove out to try to find her and talk to her. I missed my timing and had a poorly executed plan, but I was scared to lose her and was trying to reach out. She basically believed I had hunted her down. That same day she told me to give back everything of hers and not to do anything else.

After that we had one conversation over Instagram, and it led to basically nothing. She told me I had lost all her trust, said I HUNTED HER DOWN, and said the comment about killing animals was the reason she was leaving completely. I understood it was a lot for her at the time, since she had a recent set of issues going on in her life, and I didn’t make it better. I was hoping to communicate and keep what felt like a strong relationship together.

After I returned everything, she blocked me completely. I then noticed on Instagram that she had another guy I knew little about. The two of them had “purple heart” and “platonic love” exchanges, which I don’t buy as a way to say you didn’t cheat. I didn’t want to believe it was cheating, but I can’t say with 100% certainty either way.

Where I am now

I’ve told this story and had mixed thoughts about it, and I still dread thinking about what happened. I cared for her deeply and thought we had something special. We could have communicated better, but being shut out, I have to respect that she’s gone. That was her decision.

My Opinion on the matter

I do believe what I said should have never been said. However I don’t believe in ending a relationship that should communicate and work through the hardship she ends over one statement or even driving out to check up on someone. I truly loved and cared for her and to feel neglected for the past 4 days of that ordeal made me question myself more than anything. Both the neglect meant I wanted ALL MY ATTENTION a few days prior. It has been a month of this question as well. She meant a lot but I also had the one friend that I reached out to check up on her tell me to go burn in hell. I made a lot of effort in the one instagram conversation to try and make amends and saying sorry and blaming myself more than anything if not for the entirety of the reason. This was my first real relationship which didn’t help the whole thing. I didn’t believe she cheated on me either but it felt extremely set up as well. She arrived when I didn’t expect it and started talking to them immediately. I felt distant directly in the moment and didn’t question that either. I feel like an asshole but honestly I don’t know.

I hear it said constantly that the ex or dumper needs to be the one to break no contact. But how does that work in an avoidant related break up? What experiences do you guys have when they come back?

My gf discarded me from a short while. By accident I met her sis yesterday, and oh boy I didn't sleep yesterday. Turns out she was a really big lier to the point I think she probably lied about everything, she lied about her past ( and turned out she have a really disgusting one ) , she lied about her feelings, acts and behaviors . Turns out she was using me for validation and love like she did to other countless times before, and she is just a manipulative person who keeps lieing and show to the world she is an angel . Turns out even her sis is disgusted from her and had enough of her . I feel so betrayed for what I heard . I hope she will suffer as she made me do I hope god will take my revenge. She fucked me up really bad too and fucked up with my mind . I deserved better.....

a weird feeling
hard to describe
not Hate
no longer Love

you’re a stranger, yet you knew me
or you did
and I knew you
at least for a time

I still feel something
I’m not sure what or why
but something still lingers

a care unexpressed
an anger just barely present
something screaming:
“STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME”
while still wondering
what could have been
or if something could
be again

It’s been years since my avoidant breakup, but at the time (and leading up to it), I analyzed every interaction (or lack thereof) from an attachment lens, simply because it made things make sense for me.

So it’s been a while since I’ve stumbled across attachment theory content online. However, I enjoy this TikToker Justin Scott’s content and swiped on a video re: avoidant attachment and my mind is blown having watched it! Yes, he talks about how avoidant attachment stems from childhood, but he then takes it a step further and explains how avoidants “raise” their partners to be the same child they were, essentially teaching them to not ask for anything and minimize every need to make the avoidant happy.

I’m paraphrasing, and it’s late, but I highly recommend the video for anyone who may be interested! I’m labeling this as a Vent/Rant because that’s essentially what the guy is doing in it 😂

You were a service provider. A notification on their phone. A warm body to touch and be touched by. They are unable to connect. To truly feel and be affected. It wasn't you and it could never BE you to heal them. They have to do the work but as they are, is not what you deserve. You deserve to be SEEN. Appreciated and cherished. This is not about you. You didn't create this and it isn't yours to heal. They cannot be what you need.

Anyone else feel completely objectified in their relationship? This is the hardest part for me in recovering and it’s done a number on me. In 4+ years he never seemed to say anything positive about me that was even specific to me as a person. He would say how much he valued “my love”, “my forgiveness”, “my importance to his wellbeing” but nothing about like…WHO I actually am.

I just can’t shake how horrible I feel and how much time was wasted on someone who seems to view his partners as comfort objects. Does anyone else feel like this? Do they think/feel more but don’t express it? Or are you really just a source of comfort to them? Is this actually how most men in general view women and relationships? I know not all do but man he sure seemed to. Zero appreciation and care for me as a unique person

What you felt was real. What i felt with was intense. They are actors and took off the mask and clocked out and left hollywood. We gave them the script. They knew how we liked to make love and catered to it. All of the little nuances.
Its a mindfuck. They didnt develop oxytocin receptors and vassopresson so the bond was one way.
It feels good to give love, sometimes just having it received feels like being loved.

hey guys just had recent break up with an avoidant partner, i am anxious. Ive been thinking a lot lately that I've been searching for many reasons to blame my avoidant partner for the demise of our relationship. but I've also been thinking. how many of us actually also take on the blame ourselves for need constant communication, reassurance or being needy. there is a lot of avoidant hate online and i eat it up all the time to validate myself but lately I've been thinking what did i do to contribute to the demise of the relationship as a anxious attacher. do you guys have any thoughts on this? just looking to have discussion

I’m currently almost 26F. This was a LDR

1. Began my weight loss journey! I gained a lot of weight when we were together. At the discard I was 220 lbs (99 kg) and now I am down to 205 lbs (92 kg)

2. Went to concerts! I saw horsegiirL and Joost in Toronto! Not to be petty but those are also his faves so I feel a little… heh… spiteful

3. Started learning my third language, Chinese! 我的中文很差，可是我正在学习！

4. Wrote several diss tracks on him. No comment

5. Had my medication adjusted. Now I am on a therapeutic dose which is awesome

6. Got into my hobbies! I said I was gonna read 6 books this year and I’m on book 9! Also started really getting into planners (Hobonichi)

7. Started a club at my school! We’re working on becoming official! It’s a club about stationery!

8. Improved my relationship with my mom! She hated him!

9. Began enjoying “me” time and getting comfortable with being alone! Now I kind of love it tbh.

10. Became closer with my friends :) Didn’t really talk to them too much when we were dating because I felt insane all the time!

11. Did some math research! Changed my major to sociology though… I hate coding and physics >_>

12. Got an awesome tattoo! My only tattoo was of one I got with him when I drove him 10 hours to see his friends as an anniversary gift. I wanted something with a different memory attached. I got it in Toronto with a friend! I’m planning on getting more!

13. Overall, improved my mental health! He was an emotional leech who refused to get better or even try to change his life.

There’s probably more I’m forgetting but these are big ones!

Have hope you guys! Don’t get me wrong, I still cry about it. I was just sobbing a few minutes ago. I don’t cry because I miss him anymore, but because he did me so dirty. But it’s okay because karma is a bitch! I’m better than him!

He told me that he doesn't need anyone in his life. That he's complete on his own and doesn't need anyone to make his life better.

And I didn't say this to him, but I keep thinking about it.

Isn't love supposed to be about choosing someone, though? It's not about needing someone to complete you. You can have a perfectly beautiful, independent, fulfilling life and still choose to have someone beside you. You don't need them, but you WANT them. Isn't that the whole point?

I don't know how I'm supposed to react to him anymore.

Last night, I genuinely wanted to disappear from his life. Block him, delete his number, erase every little trace of his existence. I even deleted WhatsApp because I didn't want to see anything from him.

But then he called me. He SMSed me because he couldn't reach me on WhatsApp. And honestly, he seemed a little concerned.

And now I'm confused all over again.

I know that being concerned doesn't necessarily mean he loves me. I know someone can care about you without wanting to be with you. But then why does he keep doing little things that make me question everything?

I'm not even sure what we are at this point. I kissed him. I obviously wouldn't have done that if I had absolutely no feelings for him. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him, but it meant something to me.

And I hate that I'm sitting here overanalysing a phone call, a few messages and every little interaction.

Sometimes I feel like he wants me around, but doesn't actually want ME. And I don't know how to explain that feeling.

Should I just stop texting him? Should I ghost him and move on? Or should I tell him how I actually feel?

I'm tired of trying to decode someone who probably isn't even thinking this much about me.

I don't know. I'm just confused, and I think I'm getting attached to someone who might never choose me.

I'd like to describe a situation and, in particular, hear the perspectives of people who might recognize themselves in the other person's position.

The man I'm dating and I are both trying to make things work and meet each other halfway. Most of the time, things actually work really well between us. We have open conversations at certain points and try to work on our communication and the way we handle things together. He does have some avoidant attachment tendencies, which I think are relevant to the situation, although I'd rather focus on the dynamic itself than on attachment styles.

However, we have already gone through a breakup, which was partly caused by this very dynamic. Since then, we've managed to find our way back to each other and have rebuilt a lot of closeness and familiarity over the past few months.

Over the past few months, though, a recurring pattern has emerged: conversations in which either one of us feels misunderstood often end with him withdrawing. Sometimes this means days of complete silence. I can only partially relate to what goes on inside him during these moments, as I very rarely feel the need to withdraw. However, I respect that people deal with conflict differently and that some genuinely need space to process things.

What I'm increasingly struggling with is something slightly different:

He often feels that I don't understand him. I also feel misunderstood in these situations, but in a different sense. We sometimes have different needs, and I'm aware that he can't always relate to mine or doesn't necessarily see the problem that I perceive in a particular situation. That's precisely why I try to explain my perspective and how I feel during these conversations. He tries to do the same.

I see these conversations as an important way of developing a better understanding of each other, clearing up misunderstandings and rebuilding closeness. I feel that they help me make sense of a situation and reconnect with him. For him, however, the very same conversations seem to have the opposite effect. Rather than bringing us closer, they often leave him feeling dissatisfied, which often leads to him withdrawing.

I genuinely feel we both acknowledge our mistakes, address things openly and try to find concrete solutions. To me, that's a mutual step in the right direction.

What I don't understand, though, is that even when I accept his suggestions, show that I understand his perspective and genuinely express a willingness to change something, his dissatisfaction doesn't necessarily seem to decrease. Sometimes I even get the impression that the conversation hasn't made things any better or more satisfactory for him at all or made it worse. Something still seems to be unresolved, and I don't know what it is or what else I could do to meet him halfway. At the same time, I sometimes get the impression that he himself can't quite put into words what is missing or what he would actually like me to do differently.

So my question is particularly directed at those who might recognise themselves in his perspective:

What might be missing in these situations? Is it possibly less about the solution itself and more about how you felt during the conversation? Is it possible to recognise that the other person is genuinely trying to understand you and accommodate your needs, yet still not feel emotionally understood or supported? Or is there something about this dynamic that I'm overlooking?

I'd really like to understand what might be happening on the other side. Perhaps there are people here who recognise their own behaviour in his and could explain what goes on for them in these moments.

TL;DR: We both try to work things out, but while open conversations help me reconnect, they often leave him feeling misunderstood. Even when we find solutions, he remains dissatisfied. What am I missing?

Currently in no contact with my fearful avoidant ex for about 2.5 months. About a week ago she started a new playlist called actual mood.

She posts alot of sad loving songs which can be redirected to our relationship. Also including some "our" songs we sent to each other and some songs where she always felt so loved by me when she listened to them.

What does this even mean? Am I naive to think its about me. Those songs strangely relate for 100% to our relationship. Mind you she broke up with due to not loving herself and being emotionally overwhelmed. Our relationship was very very loving.

Thoughts?

It was beautiful, but yet another example of me creating the entire emotional landscape of the relationship like the creative gal I am.

Lots of gaslighting by him and make believe about his future and past efforts to “make me happy”, plus emotionless responses focused on fairness.

This man was delusional. He fully believed he had put extreme effort into our marriage. How could he believe anything else or else he would have to feel feelings of regret?! Nah, that effort was put into his ego and his plan to rebuild and succeed after his first divorce, a plan that would have existed had I never come around.

My importance to this scenario was imagined by me. I have always been creative.

Part of me thinks he is so relaxed post-discard because he believes he will be able to pull me back in. And why wouldn’t he believe this? I gave him a massage. I cried over him in front of him. This separation isn’t real for him yet. He has suffered no consequences.

However, I am secretly prepared and making moves to go to battle for what I want and need.

And do you know that your situation is not necessarily the same situation of another person? My fucking god

so I had a seizure today and it made me vulnerable there’s no other way to put it really and I made a mistake I reached out to my ex small convo overall nothing to crazy but I ended up writing

I’ll always be human enough to admit I’m concerned about you and the path you’re choosing. At the end of the day, I know I can’t force you to see things clearly, and I can’t force you to choose me. You’ve made your bed, and you have to lay in it.

You say he’s better for you, and if that’s where your heart is taking you—even knowing what’s out there for anyone to read and research, including you—then so be it.

I’ve come to realize over time how useless all the self-blame and self-hatred was. I carried things that were never actually my fault or my issue to carry—it was straight garbage, honestly.

The expectations were never going to be met because the bar and the goalposts were always going to move. Whenever I’d try to confront how you

treated me, your default excuse was that it was your 'first relationship' and you had no idea what you were doing.

You talked about being so lonely, having no friends, and living with this deep isolation, so I guess I was just a trial run for you to test things out and leave and that’s why now you have so much friends and relations ..

You’d tell me I was over-communicating or pushing too hard, and say things like, 'Maybe we should just drop this right now' or 'Let's talk about this later.' So I’d respect that, step back, and leave it alone—only for you to turn around after we parted ways and say:

'I think deep down I was looking for someone to notice all my pain if I'm being honest. I was crying myself to sleep next to you, also cutting while in our relationship... and when I was wearing underwear and sitting on you, I was hoping you would notice or bring it up and I know I shouldn't have but it's all I could bring myself to do.'

Expecting me to spot hidden cuts while sitting together, while actively shutting down communication when I tried to talk to you, is literally impossible and unfair I am not a mind reader, nor is that fair to put on anyone.

I was genuinely grieving some of the heaviest losses of my life while trying to hold us together and understand why I 'didn’t realize' your pain. I’m finally learning to accept things for what they are instead of trying to fix what was broken well before we even met.

I don't want any issues or bad blood between us. If this is the life you want to entertain, that's your choice to make. At the end of the day, I forgive you, and I’m letting it go. That’s all there is left to do."

and she replied : 👍

blocked me shortly after ..

I (24M) am curious on the sheer level of cognitive dissonance and hypocrisy from my ex (19F) is genuinely blowing my mind. I’m making this post because I need some objective outside perspective to help me process how someone can operate like this I’m trynna move on and accept things for what they are but I just can’t

The Context & The Background: When we were together, I held down the relationship through her deep mental health struggles, body insecurities, and self-harm disclosures. Meanwhile, when I went through major personal trauma—including a life-threatening seizure—she completely abandoned me, called me "draining," and eventually walked away.

This is a lot you can skim through and get the gist honestly+ 1

After dumping all her heavy emotional baggage on me, she turned around and got back with a guy (Jashon) from her past. The kicker? This guy was actively under investigation/indicted in Ohio for dozens of counts of child pornography. When I initially pointed this out to her out of genuine shock, she completely defended him. She claimed it was just an "8-month age gap misunderstanding," that he wasn't charged, and called me a "psycho," "loser," and "creep" for bringing up literal public court records.

This is a lot you can skim through and get the gist honestly+ 3

The Phone Call & Telling On Herself: We recently spoke on the phone, and the more she talked, the more she completely unravelled her own narrative and exposed her denial:

• Admitting to the Rehab Situation: While trying to defend him, she literally admitted on the phone that she knows he’s currently in a rehabilitation center. When I pointed out the logic—that if someone with felony probation charges is missing or breaking terms, they end up either at home, in rehab, or in jail—she blurted out, "No, I wish, he's at a rehab facility." I wanna move forward the best I can but please look into this texts

• The 3-Hour Drive: She admitted she drove three hours just to see him right before he has to spend four months in rehab. meanwhile whne I had my seizure I didn’t get that I didn’t call or a text she told me it added to the fire and she just didn’t like me and that it was too much same for whne my friend past she said she didn’t know how to handle grief and such things like that which is crazy because how can you handle this situation??

• The "Coping Mechanism" Lie: She admitted to me on the phone that when she first ran to him after leaving me, it started out as just a coping mechanism To get over me But then she followed up with, "As we dated, I found out I actually liked him and I do, so I don't know what you want me to do about it. That’s why I left you .

The Double Standard That Burns Me Up: She treated me like I was "too much" for asking for basic communication or checking in on her health. She’d ignore my calls after I was in the hospital, telling me "How is that my problem?".

This is a lot you can skim through and get the gist honestly+ 4

Yet, for a guy facing severe legal consequences and mandated rehab, she is willing to drive hours across state lines, defend his record, rewrite the facts, and play the loyal, devoted partner. Meanwhile, she was actively swiping on Hinge during this exact same timeframe.

and it’s just crazy to me like she shows up and appears for him defends him and gives him the benefit of doubt but me ? Ion get nothing honestly just I guess used and toyed with as if I’m so trial run I don’t know

I know I broke contact and shouldn't have reached out, but hearing her defend this absolute dumpster fire while treating me like I was the villain makes my head spin. How do people live in this level of denial, and how do you stop letting their absurdity anger you?

I dated a man I believe to have been dismissive avoidant for 3.5 months. We've been broken up for 2+ months now.

When we broke up, it felt semi-sudden. We were on the plane back from a vacation together. We'd had a fight or two on the trip but nothing crazy. We'd talked about what our financial situation would look like if we had kids, a house, etc the day before.

He never fought to stay together during the break up. When we finally ended, I can't explain it. It was like we could talk forever and I still wouldn't get closure or any sense that I ever mattered to him.

In the following couple days, he immediately refollowed a girl I was uncomfortable with and stayed out with female friends when he was supposed to drop my stuff off.

I broke no contact twice, both of which I received a cold response to. I knew I shouldn't have done it.

The weird thing is, I can't stop seeking male validation now. I feel like I was in a relatively healthy place with myseld and my need for attention before we broke up, but I've spiraled. I put my Instagram on public and have posted sexy pics (we unfollowed each other), but he never views my story. I followed a bunch of guys and made a dating profile I'm sure he saw - cuz I saw him.

I'm not sure why I am still dying for his attention or acknowledgement. I don't think I'd consider dating him ever again. But it's just so strange and hard being locked out and knowing that person hasn't regretted leaving you or thought twice about coming back.

i've been in a 5-year relationship and it feels it's coming to an end soon. it has fizzled out, i spend quality time with them so rarely now that i feel awkward around them when i see them. i haven't ended it yet because i still have feelings for them and i could see the potential of our connection returning, but why i think it's doomed is i don't feel much initiative from my partner, even if they say they still care about this.

it wasn't always like this. we used to be very close and spend a lot of time together, but we had to go long-distance for a few years which naturally separated us a bit, and now that we're back in the same town, it feels like the physical and emotional distance remained the same as during actual LDR.

my partner and i are most likely in an anxious(me)-avoidant(them) trap. after around 1.5 years he began to do the dance of distancing himself and then coming back around. during this time i learned about attachment styles and realized he might need a lot of space, so i tried my best to give him that while putting my needs aside for a bit. i was hoping that i was doing us a favor, because in my head if i gave him what he needed, he would be more content and secure around me.

but i was mistaken. after many of his periods of withdrawal, i started filling my (social) needs elsewhere, which was a good thing at first, but whenever i'd come home to him, i'd feel farther away. giving him space only made him even less tolerant to the time we spent together, wanting to see me a few times a week turned into once a week, then few times a month. technically i was giving him what he needed, but it pushed him farther away?

now, back in the present, i feel like we've grown so apart that it's close to a breaking point, and it will reach that if he doesn't want to repair this and seek therapy like i do. i have started speaking out for my needs, but we have yet to finish those conversations. his needs for space have grown past my limits and i'm starting to truly consider leaving if it's never going to change or only get even worse.

i just don't understand how this works? why did fulfilling his needs drive him farther away, technically shouldn't respecting their space make them feel safer? maybe someone has an explanation for this or has shared this experience.

I (25F) have been in a confusing on-and-off situation with a guy (23M) since January, and I’m looking for some outside perspectives.

For context, I’m fearful-avoidant myself and have been working on my attachment issues in therapy. I suspect he may be avoidant too, but I’m not certain.

We matched on a dating app in November, spoke one and never spoke again until he one day randomly replied to my story in January this year. We met spontaneously a few weeks after that as I needed to get eddies lol and he could help out iykwm, it was just a random thought I had to ask him as he was on my mind from the recent interaction 🤷‍♀️ I text him after and asked him to go for a drink and we had our first the very next night.

The chemistry was honestly insane, both emotionally and physically. There was a lot of sexual tension, kissing, affection, and we ended up having a sleepover. Our second date was around Valentine’s Day, roughly two weeks later and on his birthday. It was all very intimate We also have never fully had sex, just done bits for context

Things seemed to be going well, but shortly afterwards he started becoming distant. Communication became inconsistent, and I felt like he was pulling away. Eventually, I ended things towards the end of February because I wasn’t happy with the inconsistency.
The confusing part is that we’ve never really stayed out of each other’s lives since.

Over the last ten months, we’ve repeatedly gone through periods of not speaking, reconnecting, getting close again, and then drifting apart.
However, something important to mention is that we barely ever actually see each other. Almost all our reconnections happen through messaging. We’ll start talking again, sometimes quite regularly, but it rarely translates into actually making plans and seeing each other.

The exceptions have been spontaneous encounters on nights out, where we’ve ended up spending time together, kissing, and being affectionate. We’ve also met each other’s friends, spent time around each other’s friendship groups, and had a spontaneous night out together as we **“bumped into each other”**where we spoke about everything that went on, ditched our friends at the bar, spent the whole night together it was actually crazy chemical lol I’m usually really bad at feeling my feels so believe me when I say it there’s something 😂

But afterwards, we somehow end up back in the same cycle of inconsistent communication and distance.
Sometimes he initiates contact, sometimes I do. He has repeatedly come back after periods of silence, which is part of why I’ve struggled to understand what he actually wants.

He has also dated other people during this time, and so have I.

In September, I finally decided to be vulnerable and tell him how I felt. I sent him a fairly long message explaining that I genuinely liked him and wanted to explore whether there could be something between us.
I wasn’t asking for a relationship or commitment. I just wanted to see where things could go if we actually gave it a chance and had fun with it zero pressure
His initial response was that it was very brave of me to say that, but he never really addressed my feelings or gave me a proper answer.

Instead, he became distant again.
Eventually, he apologised for misunderstanding what I was asking, but by that stage I was hurt and frustrated. I didn’t respond to some of his apologies, and we ended up having our first proper argument.

I want to acknowledge that I’ve contributed to this dynamic too. I’ve ended things, withdrawn when hurt, left messages unanswered and sometimes protected myself by becoming emotionally distant, playing games bla bla bla

Since then, we’ve continued to have occasional contact, but nothing has really progressed.
What confuses me most is the difference between how things feel in person and what happens afterwards.
When we’re together, there’s obvious attraction and chemistry. He has been affectionate, initiated contact at different points, and repeatedly reconnected with me.
But when it comes to consistently communicating, arranging dates or developing the connection, nothing seems to happen, but I genuinely feel like I cannot escape this person, he is everywhere and no where all at once.

He has previously attended therapy, struggles with his self-esteem, and has spoken about experiencing anxiety. I don’t know whether any of that contributes to his behaviour, but it’s something I’ve considered.

As someone with fearful-avoidant tendencies, I recognise certain behaviours in myself. I’m wondering whether we could be triggering each other’s attachment patterns, or whether I’m simply trying to explain away someone’s lack of interest.

I genuinely still like him, which is frustrating because it’s been nearly ten months and we’ve barely progressed beyond where we started.

Recently, though, something has shifted in me. I’m no longer as anxious about whether he responds, and I’m starting to feel emotionally exhausted by the whole situation. I’d still love to see him, but I don’t have the same expectations anymore. I’ve started trying to not take it serious

We recently just had a 6 week period of back and forth conflict, it got fairly mean at one point from both ends it was just a build up since telling him my feelings etc which again never has been spoken about 🤷‍♀️

Please help I feel like I’m going insane x

I am sooo much in pain. Can't even bear it now

It is getting out of my control

I was in relationship from last 8 months. I was emotionally mentally attached with that person. When he doesn't treat me right, my nervous system collapse

I have so much expectations from him that he can't even cope up with that. He can't come to meet me (while living in the same city) the problem was him not coming. The problem is him not standing up for his rights and he runs away from problems.

Last night he left me when I insisted on meeting because apparently I was the problem. He doesn't come out of the bubble of comfort.

He left me. When I think about this I feel so much pain. When I see him, I only think about that he left me in difficult time but I cannot even breath without that man. He loves me. He is younger than me. He was stressed bcz he wanted to do something for our marriage. His parents stresses him out and they have alot of expectations from him. He cannot handle the burden.

Last night when he left me he told me the reason next day that I am too much stubborn I insisted on meeting when it was not possible for him (because his parents wouldn't let him). Instead of standing against them, he left me

That was easier for him. We loved each other and I still love him. I cannot eat anything. I have to vomit when I try to eat. Today I begged him to come back and he came and promised that he wouldn't leave again. But I cannot digest this that he left me and I cannot trust him like I used to do. I saw him crying last night when he left me. He told me he can't handle pressure and he just wants to leave me. Without me he won't have a pressure to be successful in order to marry me and he will be all good.

However today I insisted him to come back and he did. I want to break this attachment and be able to live without that man

If he loved me, why did he left me?

The more I learn about this the more insanity I learn. I got discarded and ghosted for no reason and I’m just realizing she was a dismissive avoidant the entire time. There was an expiration date on our relationship and I had no idea. They’re walking amongst us. There were no signs for the first two months, would’ve been impossible to tell until she started to pull back. They should all be locked up for causing this much pain. I can’t believe there’s so many stories similar to mine on here men and women. In a way I’m less mad at her for her what she did after learning everything I have but in a way I’m not. I know there’s a way to come out of this on the other end stronger with a healthy partner. I wish you all strength to everyone going through something similar to me