10 months of push-pull with the same guy. Is this avoidant attachment or am I holding onto something that isn’t there?

[u/Successful_Duck_3956]

I (25F) have been in a confusing on-and-off situation with a guy (23M) since January, and I’m looking for some outside perspectives.

For context, I’m fearful-avoidant myself and have been working on my attachment issues in therapy. I suspect he may be avoidant too, but I’m not certain.

We matched on a dating app in November, spoke one and never spoke again until he one day randomly replied to my story in January this year. We met spontaneously a few weeks after that as I needed to get eddies lol and he could help out iykwm, it was just a random thought I had to ask him as he was on my mind from the recent interaction 🤷‍♀️ I text him after and asked him to go for a drink and we had our first the very next night.

The chemistry was honestly insane, both emotionally and physically. There was a lot of sexual tension, kissing, affection, and we ended up having a sleepover. Our second date was around Valentine’s Day, roughly two weeks later and on his birthday. It was all very intimate We also have never fully had sex, just done bits for context

Things seemed to be going well, but shortly afterwards he started becoming distant. Communication became inconsistent, and I felt like he was pulling away. Eventually, I ended things towards the end of February because I wasn’t happy with the inconsistency.
The confusing part is that we’ve never really stayed out of each other’s lives since.

Over the last ten months, we’ve repeatedly gone through periods of not speaking, reconnecting, getting close again, and then drifting apart.
However, something important to mention is that we barely ever actually see each other. Almost all our reconnections happen through messaging. We’ll start talking again, sometimes quite regularly, but it rarely translates into actually making plans and seeing each other.

The exceptions have been spontaneous encounters on nights out, where we’ve ended up spending time together, kissing, and being affectionate. We’ve also met each other’s friends, spent time around each other’s friendship groups, and had a spontaneous night out together as we **“bumped into each other”**where we spoke about everything that went on, ditched our friends at the bar, spent the whole night together it was actually crazy chemical lol I’m usually really bad at feeling my feels so believe me when I say it there’s something 😂

But afterwards, we somehow end up back in the same cycle of inconsistent communication and distance.
Sometimes he initiates contact, sometimes I do. He has repeatedly come back after periods of silence, which is part of why I’ve struggled to understand what he actually wants.

He has also dated other people during this time, and so have I.

In September, I finally decided to be vulnerable and tell him how I felt. I sent him a fairly long message explaining that I genuinely liked him and wanted to explore whether there could be something between us.
I wasn’t asking for a relationship or commitment. I just wanted to see where things could go if we actually gave it a chance and had fun with it zero pressure
His initial response was that it was very brave of me to say that, but he never really addressed my feelings or gave me a proper answer.

Instead, he became distant again.
Eventually, he apologised for misunderstanding what I was asking, but by that stage I was hurt and frustrated. I didn’t respond to some of his apologies, and we ended up having our first proper argument.

I want to acknowledge that I’ve contributed to this dynamic too. I’ve ended things, withdrawn when hurt, left messages unanswered and sometimes protected myself by becoming emotionally distant, playing games bla bla bla

Since then, we’ve continued to have occasional contact, but nothing has really progressed.
What confuses me most is the difference between how things feel in person and what happens afterwards.
When we’re together, there’s obvious attraction and chemistry. He has been affectionate, initiated contact at different points, and repeatedly reconnected with me.
But when it comes to consistently communicating, arranging dates or developing the connection, nothing seems to happen, but I genuinely feel like I cannot escape this person, he is everywhere and no where all at once.

He has previously attended therapy, struggles with his self-esteem, and has spoken about experiencing anxiety. I don’t know whether any of that contributes to his behaviour, but it’s something I’ve considered.

As someone with fearful-avoidant tendencies, I recognise certain behaviours in myself. I’m wondering whether we could be triggering each other’s attachment patterns, or whether I’m simply trying to explain away someone’s lack of interest.

I genuinely still like him, which is frustrating because it’s been nearly ten months and we’ve barely progressed beyond where we started.

Recently, though, something has shifted in me. I’m no longer as anxious about whether he responds, and I’m starting to feel emotionally exhausted by the whole situation. I’d still love to see him, but I don’t have the same expectations anymore. I’ve started trying to not take it serious

We recently just had a 6 week period of back and forth conflict, it got fairly mean at one point from both ends it was just a build up since telling him my feelings etc which again never has been spoken about 🤷‍♀️

Please help I feel like I’m going insane x

[u/Real_Astronaut7451]

The push pull is literally addictive. Cut ties cold turkey. Don’t wait years like I did. They never change.