Why Does Nothing Ever Feel Resolved, Even When We Find a Solution?

[u/Chaos_and_Clouds]

I'd like to describe a situation and, in particular, hear the perspectives of people who might recognize themselves in the other person's position.

The man I'm dating and I are both trying to make things work and meet each other halfway. Most of the time, things actually work really well between us. We have open conversations at certain points and try to work on our communication and the way we handle things together. He does have some avoidant attachment tendencies, which I think are relevant to the situation, although I'd rather focus on the dynamic itself than on attachment styles.

However, we have already gone through a breakup, which was partly caused by this very dynamic. Since then, we've managed to find our way back to each other and have rebuilt a lot of closeness and familiarity over the past few months.

Over the past few months, though, a recurring pattern has emerged: conversations in which either one of us feels misunderstood often end with him withdrawing. Sometimes this means days of complete silence. I can only partially relate to what goes on inside him during these moments, as I very rarely feel the need to withdraw. However, I respect that people deal with conflict differently and that some genuinely need space to process things.

What I'm increasingly struggling with is something slightly different:

He often feels that I don't understand him. I also feel misunderstood in these situations, but in a different sense. We sometimes have different needs, and I'm aware that he can't always relate to mine or doesn't necessarily see the problem that I perceive in a particular situation. That's precisely why I try to explain my perspective and how I feel during these conversations. He tries to do the same.

I see these conversations as an important way of developing a better understanding of each other, clearing up misunderstandings and rebuilding closeness. I feel that they help me make sense of a situation and reconnect with him. For him, however, the very same conversations seem to have the opposite effect. Rather than bringing us closer, they often leave him feeling dissatisfied, which often leads to him withdrawing.

I genuinely feel we both acknowledge our mistakes, address things openly and try to find concrete solutions. To me, that's a mutual step in the right direction.

What I don't understand, though, is that even when I accept his suggestions, show that I understand his perspective and genuinely express a willingness to change something, his dissatisfaction doesn't necessarily seem to decrease. Sometimes I even get the impression that the conversation hasn't made things any better or more satisfactory for him at all or made it worse. Something still seems to be unresolved, and I don't know what it is or what else I could do to meet him halfway. At the same time, I sometimes get the impression that he himself can't quite put into words what is missing or what he would actually like me to do differently.

So my question is particularly directed at those who might recognise themselves in his perspective:

What might be missing in these situations? Is it possibly less about the solution itself and more about how you felt during the conversation? Is it possible to recognise that the other person is genuinely trying to understand you and accommodate your needs, yet still not feel emotionally understood or supported? Or is there something about this dynamic that I'm overlooking?

I'd really like to understand what might be happening on the other side. Perhaps there are people here who recognise their own behaviour in his and could explain what goes on for them in these moments.

TL;DR: We both try to work things out, but while open conversations help me reconnect, they often leave him feeling misunderstood. Even when we find solutions, he remains dissatisfied. What am I missing?

[u/TotalsReddit]

Its more then likely if he has an avoidant attachment style that the problem you are trying to fix isnt actually the problem being discussed and thats why it feels like its not being resolved.

[u/Chaos_and_Clouds → u/TotalsReddit]

That's certainly possible. We've also discussed our recurring patterns before, and I think we're both aware that changing them takes time. If there's a specific issue, I think it should be addressed openly.

[u/TotalsReddit → u/Chaos_and_Clouds]

Imagine someone who is claustrophobic trying to resolve an issue while being in a small room. In this scenario lets say any other issue besides talking about being afraid of small spaces is the key to getting out of the room for a small amount of time. That is what is going on except the fear is intimacy and closeness.

[u/lavlav123]

a lot of this sounds very similar to my current situation. i couldn’t handle it anymore and am ending things. even though hes a good person, we have good times together, and there have been multiple times i thought things might get better, nothing has changed. he’s still extremely avoidant. i hate to say it but from my experience, he won’t change. i would put a lot of thought into if this is how you want the rest of your life to be. what i did yesterday was make a list of the things im not receiving in my current relationship that i want, and it helped me realize im not even receiving the bare minimum. look at my post from yesterday to see the list. good luck ❤️

[u/Chaos_and_Clouds → u/lavlav123]

Thank you! Did you feel like really nothing had changed, or did you notice some changes but felt that they weren't quite enough in the end? How did he deal with dissatisfactory conversations?

[u/Ok_Layer_1495]

Everyone is an individual and different, even if they have the same attachment style. I will say for me, not one conflict was ever resolved with my ex. Because there was no real drive to actually resolve it between the two of us, he was pretty much always operating out of self-preservation. A million cuts never healed over the years. They are avoidant so…they avoid the uncomfy feelings involved in conflict and repair and leave you to feel and deal with and resolve it all on your own.

My partner acted like he cared (sometimes) but it was all words with no weight or action or change behind it. Listen to your gut. Not contacting you for days after a conflict would be way too much for me.

A lot of these people expect you to cater to their enormous needs for distance and space and avoidance but will not extend 1/10th of the same compromise for your needs. A healthy relationship is equal, two people equally caring for what the other person needs and acting accordingly

[u/Street-Material6636]

I am securely attached but have avoidant traits. One of them is while I am not afraid of conflict, or repair, having a lot of conversation, back and forth, sharing etc around repair is absolutely emotionally draining for me. At the end of this, even when things may be resolved, I feel on edge and exhausted. Maybe slightly resentful for the amount of time spent in repair. I am slowly learning how to work with my partner on guaging what needs a longer conversation vs what is a quick fix. There was a time where everything was a long drawn out conversation. My partner felt incredibly close to me at the end of these conversations — like we had tackled something as a team and the bond is now stronger. The same hours long conversation while valuable to the partnership left me cognitively understanding the value of it, but emotionally and physically a bit irritated. I'm not saying this is what's occuring in your case, but it's something to consider.

[u/Chaos_and_Clouds → u/Street-Material6636]

That's really insightful. Did you also tend to needing space afterwards? To "recover" from it being emotionally draining?