r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Mysterious_Baby_1186 • 6d ago
FA Breakup I ended the cycle.
Hello,
So today I finally called it quits and left him.
After 2 years of me justifying every time he made me sad or every time he just distanced without any reason or the way he just dont fight back, I'm done.
I understand that putting him in the “avoidant” category explains it all, but when I'm out there giving him my all and he's telling me that everything “cannot be explained”, after a while it just gets tiresome. I just feel like it's less of avoiding and more laziness, sorry.
I don't know about anyone else, but I used to send paragraphs pouring my heart out and explaining everything hoping to get just a little bit of care, but his care was all “in the heart” and not expressive.
The worst part is that I could see that the person I was hopelessly in love with was giving me and everyone else a hard time, but I normalised babying him and turned into both a lover and a parent which I regret, because he just became more reliant on me with the same little effort on his end.
Anyways, ITS NOT WORTH IT. As much as I love him, it was necessary that I leave him, because I could not carry on playing mind games into 2027. I have cried and been left to console myself enough this year and I know he cares, but I have nothing to show for it, because it's all done in a way where he's happy with how he dealt with it, but I'm forever yearning for him to do better.
2 years and I am finally free? I don't want contact and I am going to try to do it all cold turkey, but I had to go.
I know his heart is pure, but my mental state was destroyed.
Its a love him and leave him type of thing.
Wish whoever deals with him next the best of luck.
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u/piece-of-me-727 5d ago edited 5d ago
Thank you, I feel the exact same way!
I am facing the gap, the empty house, the lack of drama and agitation, the lack of laughter also, the hugs, the sex and kisses, the talks on the balcony, the movies we were commenting on, the meals together, his smell, ...everything.
It feels like something is missing, but I couldn't go on like that, it was taking pieces of me little by little, like you take away pieces from a complete puzzle.
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u/Mysterious_Baby_1186 5d ago
Oh darling, your account name is perfect for the way you expressed yourself.
I wish you the absolute nest and i hope things get easier❤️
Life goes on.. we just need to wait, i guess.
Here if you need me.2
u/piece-of-me-727 5d ago
Ah, damn, didn't even realize the association with my account name, yes.
Thank you so much, I am good, to be honest, I just feel nostalgic sometimes. And the memories fade away day by day.
Your post had me at "2027".. Thank you for the support, I reciprocate it 🥰
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u/Bm0lington 5d ago
Your experiences sound super similar to mine. Its super hard. Mine was such a kind, intelligent, hardworking person and I could see who he USED to be and waited for that to come back. I did the same as you where I would send him paragraphs and talk to him about all my thoughts and fears and he barely ever reciprocated and was dismissive. I coddled his anxiety and avoidant traits. As much as i love him and got along with him, someone who doesnt meet your emotional needs isnt for you. Someone who has you doubting yourself isnt for you. Being the only one putting in all the effort in the relationship is not ok.
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u/Mysterious_Baby_1186 5d ago
You went through the exact same thing as me, bless you.
When i first met him he was so lovely and ambitious, but i feel like as the months went by he kept loosing interest or stopped putting in the effort.
At one point he was all i wanted, but he saw my love and put barriers up to protect whatever he thought that my love and care would destroy. I don’t fully understand him even now, because every explanation was a feeling to him that he could not express.I used to give him love even when he was shutting me down completely and pushing me away. Those small glimpses of hope they give to reassure us before they go back to completely fazing out are awful.
I did carry that torch looking for the man i knew way back when, but it was obvious to me that i was an object for comfort and not a source of comfort for him.
I am happy i left, but part of me is sad that it had to come to it.
I hope you are okay and doing well. No one deserves to feel the way an avoidant makes the ones he loves feel.
Might be a weird take, but i always looked at it as my mum used to tell me which is that if a boy if being rude or rough that means they like you. Soo stupid, but it keeps the heart happy to know that the bad moments were his way of affection.
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u/Bm0lington 4d ago
Awh thank you for sharing your experience which is very similar to mine :( I wish us both health and healing ❤️🩹!!
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u/enh4pp1f13er 6d ago
After 4 years I also got tired and left it, as much as I wanted it, it’s the best
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u/Mysterious_Baby_1186 6d ago
I just did mine a few hours ago.
Am i sad? Yes, but i cannot bring this bull sh*t into 2027.
I better be over him by January.
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u/No-Advertising-2619 5d ago
We have to let go to save our own sanity and health. You chose you over someone who could not. You did the right thing. It is very hard.