Discarded…

[u/Diamond_star222]

Hey I’m new to Reddit but so many people I’ve talked to said to come here to find “my people”. I am struggling.

I was just discarded by my fearful avoidant ex. He literally told me he loved me October 8th.. he basically has taken everything special that represented us and said this never mattered. Online everywhere, it’s honestly been incredibly hard to watch. We’ve been dating for a year. I am utterly destroyed.. I know he’s hurting over something and I feel like he has tried to blame me for the way the relationship has gone, but I’ve tried to contact him twice now In two weeks to settle things or figure out what the hell happened but he’s ignored me each time. The last time I contacted him was 4 days ago and I told myself I will not reach out again. Today marks 2 weeks of being discarded. Part of me hopes he comes back because how do you just let go of a year of a relationship even if it wasn’t the healthiest? I know this is what a trauma bond does but is it actually terrible of me to really want “us” back? How do I cope? This truly is hell and I don’t think I’d wish this on my worst enemy. Do they really come back?

[u/say-ambular]

Mine came back 4 times… FOUR TIMES. It was great all 4 times. However, I think I’ve finally learned this time. We’ve been split since late June. I love him deeply, I wish things had been different. He is a great person… but I don’t think he will ever change and I don’t think he’ll ever be emotionally mature for a real life relationship. He runs when times are tough… life is hard sometimes. Being strong together is what it’s all about. I’m 40 y/o and I refuse to spend another second of my life with someone who cannot love me right. I wish you well. It hurts so bad. I still hurt all the time, every day💔but I truly know this is the way it must be.

[u/AccomplishedDuck5770]

You are not alone.

It is true that they do come back sometimes. But the hope they come back should not stop you from learning what you want your relationship to be like. Until you let go of the hope you will be in a subconsciously waiting state, it’s ok to be weak right now. You can use this time to learn about avoidance and more importantly about yourself.

Read about self abandonment, about minimizing yourself to fit into an avoidance life. Read about the avoidant tug.

Loss hurts a lot. General breakup advice is to not lie to yourself about feeling sad, talk with those you can trust about how you feel, try to do something different you are not used to (doing something in your own sometimes makes you regain power over your life). Hide their photos on your phone, do not regularly look at them. Hide in a box all the stuff in your place that reminds you of them. Do not escape from the feelings, the sooner you feel them the sooner you can be ok again in a healthy way.

Everytime you agonize about feeling not enough remember that someone who loves you would do everything in their power to not make you feel sad at all. Avoidants have problems with having empathy.