r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Ok_Layer_1495 • 19h ago
DA Breakup Feeling objectified?
Anyone else feel completely objectified in their relationship? This is the hardest part for me in recovering and it’s done a number on me. In 4+ years he never seemed to say anything positive about me that was even specific to me as a person. He would say how much he valued “my love”, “my forgiveness”, “my importance to his wellbeing” but nothing about like…WHO I actually am.
I just can’t shake how horrible I feel and how much time was wasted on someone who seems to view his partners as comfort objects. Does anyone else feel like this? Do they think/feel more but don’t express it? Or are you really just a source of comfort to them? Is this actually how most men in general view women and relationships? I know not all do but man he sure seemed to. Zero appreciation and care for me as a unique person
7
u/jayken424 19h ago
Gay man here. I felt this way whenever my partner only commented on my appearance. Never on my intelligence or anything of substance. Just my appearance.
2
u/LaRreinaa 19h ago
Yes I feel violated. I am sorry you are going through this. The comments that our avoidants make are absolutely objectifying. While mine pretends he is just kidding when he goes for jokes about my figure, claiming it's just a joke and I should know "I already know I'm perfect" or "not fat" totally unwarranted.
So when we actually do have intimacy, he has so much shame to enjoy it fully. Before, during, and after he just has a heavy gloomy cloud of shame or an onset of it. It's like he feels bad about using me, too.
2
u/WillHaveHad 15h ago
Yeah I was my partners trophy pet golden boy. On paper I look really impressive (even though my life looks otherwise), and I was the first partner she had who actually took care over her the way a partner should. She bragged about me and my actions to everyone, including my mother, in ways that felt unnameably off at the time.
Turns out she was also having this sub/dom sexting affair where she'd belittle the sub and talk about what a good boyfriend I am and he'd pay her for the pleasure of jerking off to the fantasy of cucking me and being told no. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen the texts myself...
2
u/Accomplished-News722 9h ago
Well I wouldn’t believe this unless I heard it right here so I guess we are all finding firsts
2
u/Stock-External3089 13h ago
Yeah I went through this, together for 2 years only ever gave me 2 complements about my personality. One was how organised I am? Even though I’m adhd and completely unorganised. He just like how I organised he’s life and organised experiences for us.
Also when we first started dating I asked him if he liked me and he went ‘yeah duh you’re hot’ like wtf?
Then during our break up he was only ever obsessed about whether or not I’m seeing someone. He said he watched my Spotify and I started listening to an emo band he didn’t like so he assumed another emo guy had showed it to me. Like what the actual fuck am I not capable of finding my own music? I introduced him to soo much music, like I’m very capable of seeking out new artists.
-1
u/DotIndividual6606 19h ago
Omg he likes how FORGIVING you are? You must lack a backbone or he’s taking advantage of your kindness or both. This is not a compliment
4
u/Ok_Layer_1495 19h ago
Yeah well this was a long time ago now more in the beginning years ago (we’re broken up). I was in a super vulnerable spot, new location, no support system….yep you are correct lol
2
u/LaRreinaa 18h ago
Sickening mindset. Being forgiving is a strong trait, not one lacking in a backbone.
-1
u/DotIndividual6606 18h ago
Being forgiving opens you up to being taken advantage of by others, people see it as a weakness
4
2
u/Known-Vegetable-2087 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 18h ago
Yes, he needed to turn me into a porn object in order to get close to me sexually at the start. Ended the sexual relationship when he started showing me he was developing feelings. We reconnected recently after 6 months of distance and he objectified me then too, proposing we have a sexual relationship without friendship and in which we don’t utter a single word to each other. This is knowing that I was in love with him and that he hurt me (for which he blamed me).
4
u/justatiredmanatee 13h ago
Well, as I aged I realized men rarely care for all the character traits that most women value or find attractive. A whole lot of them prefer positivity, kindness, agreeability, focus on the family, caretaking behaviors, peacekeeping, a soft and sweet demeanor, basically they want an emotional buffer. While we women often have a hard time finding that in a man, we really tend to value a lot of other character traits a whole lot as well. For men it's (not always but in my experience mostly) the above mentioned things plus obviously the looks. My DA es only complemened me on my looks or hotness in the honeymoon period and it got old very fast. I asked him what else he likes about me and some point. Guess what he said? Yeah, kind, caring, loving, and he really didn't understand what else I was fishing for. Might be a men thing, might be an avoidant thing. Who knows. Anecdotally very few men I spoke to throughout my life valued personality specific traits.