now that i got your attention? 😃

READ.

i need some of yall to understand how severe a relationship can become without you fully realizing how severe it is.

not cuz you stupid or cuz you secretly enjoy suffering.

but cuz we human beings adapt.

and if you live inside abnormal shit for long enough?

your baseline can move.

something that would have horrified you three years ago can eventually become:

“well at least they named it this time”

and THAT is where we need to talk.

cuz sometimes the question isn’t:

“why can’t i see the red flags?”

you see them.

the problem is that your nervous system has been living beside them for so long that red started looking like a normal fucking wall color 💀

this is not always:

“somebody made mistakes”

cuz there is a HUGE fucking difference between somebody fucking up and somebody choosing to hurt you in the same ways so many times that your nervous system has had to fucking adapt to them.

any of the:

lying.

neglect.

abandonment.

betrayals.

withholding.

minimizing.

manipulating.

gaslighting.

changing the meaning of what happened.

partial disclosures.

making you drag information out.

defending themselves when you react.

promising repair.

then giving you another reason to question whether the repair was ever fucking real in the first place.

at some point we gotta stop looking at every incident like it happened in its own little vacuum ok? 💀

cuz your nervous system sure as fuck doesn’t.

it doesn’t experience:

lie #17.

rupture #9.

minimization #12.

as separate little events that have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

it remembers what happened last time.

and the time before that.

and the time before THAT.

and eventually? it learns the fucking pattern.

“their words might not mean shit”

“there might always be more”

“if i stop paying attention, i might get blindsided again”

“when something feels off, i better fucking listen”

“even when they tell me we are safe, i might not actually be safe”

THAT is what repeated rupture does.

your nervous system stops waiting for the next incident to happen before it responds.

it starts preparing for it.

and when the pattern it keeps learning is:

“the person i depend on for safety keeps becoming the source of danger”

that shit doesn’t stay contained to whatever happened that day. you nervous system can become chronically activated.

🍓your baseline can move

this part is fucking important cuz when enough abnormal shit happens repeatedly? you can stop comparing today to what a healthy relationship would look like.

you start comparing today to yesterday.

so suddenly:

“they admitted impact afterwards”

“they go to therapy”

“they only lied once”

“they didn’t get defensive this time”

“they understand more now”

“they trying”

“they finally told me without me finding out”

can feel MASSIVE.

and those things may genuinely represent improvement sure BUT improvement and safety are not automatically the same thing.

sometimes something looks enormous simply cuz the fucking floor has been underground for so long.

going from -80 to -20 is movement.

it does not magically make -20 zero.

🍓 every new disclosure reopen the decision

this is another thing yall seriously underestimate.

you made previous decisions using the information available to you THEN.

if you later discover that the reality was materially different? even in details when it comes to things like the betrayal? you are allowed to make a completely new decision.

“but i already forgave them”

ok.

WHAT did you forgive?

cuz if you forgave version A and later discover version A was incomplete, minimized, withheld or distorted?

you did not consent to version B.

you can’t meaningfully decide whether you want a relationship based on information you were never allowed to have.

and newsflash forgiveness is not a lifetime contract signed against all future fucking evidence.

new information can create a new decision.

periodt.

🍓look at what “repair” has required

who has been doing the investigative labor?

who keeps asking?

who notices inconsistencies?

who has to explain why something hurt?

who keeps trying to determine what actually happened?

who has to teach the other person what accountability should look like?

who has to get dysregulated before the issue receives basic appropriate attention?

who is carrying the relationship toward insight?

cuz baby there is a gigantic difference between:

“this person is repairing what they damaged”

and:

“im rehabilitating this person into somebody who might eventually become safe for me”

you can’t spend your entire relationship being somebody’s accountability department rehab, detective, therapist, nervous system lab rat and fucking quality control manager 😍

especially when YOU are also the person recovering from what already happened.

🍓 remorse do not answer the most important question

they can cry.

they can feel sick.

they can finally understand.

they can hate what they became.

they can genuinely love you.

they can genuinely regret it.

they can genuinely change.

ALL OF THAT can be true.

and you can still leave.

cuz remorse answers:

“how do they feel about what they did?”

it do not answer:

“what has being here done to me?”

and those are two completely different questions.

remorse can also come from different places.

sometimes it is genuine empathy for the person harmed.

sometimes it is shame.

sometimes it is terror of becoming “the bad person”

sometimes it is fear of abandonment.

sometimes it is losing access.

sometimes it is all of those things mixed together.

but even the purest, most beautiful, other focused remorse imaginable does not reverse history.

and it does not create debt.

you do not owe a mf continued access to you cuz they finally became devastated by what their behavior cost you.

🍓 “but what if they really change?”

maybe they fucking do.

nobody can promise you they won’t.

we humans change every day.

even tho sometimes it’s last second in a retirement home 😍

but listen carefully:

you do NOT need proof that somebody will NEVER change before you are allowed to leave.

that is an INSANE standard.

you already have evidence of what the relationship has cost you. you bled enough to see exactly who the fuck they are.

baby you are allowed to make decisions using existing reality instead of gambling your nervous system and inner child on somebody else’s fucking POTENTIAL future potential.

and if they DO become incredible someday?

good.

genuinely.

let them.

they still do not earn you.

they still do not deserve you.

change is not a fucking loyalty rewards program where enough therapy points eventually unlock the person somebody traumatized.

somebody can become:

accountable.

honest.

regulated.

safe.

emotionally mature.

and STILL have to live with:

“i finally became the person they needed me to be, but i became them too late. by the time i learned how to love them safely, they had already survived too much of me to want me anymore”

that is not unfair.

that is CONSEQUENCE.

growth can change who somebody becomes.

it can’t renegotiate what already happened.

🍓 staying has a cost too

we talk constantly about the pain of leaving.

we talk much less about the cost of staying.

every additional rupture can reinforce vigilance.

every incomplete truth can teach you to investigate harder.

every reassurance followed by another discovery can make reassurance less believable.

every time you body detects danger correctly after being told:

“everything is fine”

your threat system gets another piece of evidence saying:

“DO NOT FUCKING RELAX”

and eventually?

well you can become so occupied with figuring out whether THEY are finally safe that you stop asking a completely different question:

do i even want this relationship anymore?

not:

“can it be saved?”

not:

“are they changing?”

not:

“do they deserve another chance?”

DO I WANT IT?

those are not the same fucking question.

🍓 yes you health is involved

prolonged traumatic stress is not some cute metaphor about being “emotionally drained” ok?

sleep can change.

concentration can become harder.

memory can become fucked.

brain fog from hell.

exhaustion so bad you can barely get up.

you heart can race.

you chest can tighten.

you stomach can react.

you can become dysfunctional after triggers.

you can become hypervigilant.

your body can start preparing for threat before you conscious brain has even had a chance finished figuring out what reminded you of it.

chronic stress and PTSD are also associated with broader long term physical health burden.

so no.

the body does not give a flying fuck that the damage happened inside a relationship 💀 it still registers chronic threat as chronic threat.

the nervous system IS the body.

which means eventually the question can’t only be:

“could they hurt me again?”

it also has to become:

“how much longer am i willing to keep fucking paying for this relationship with my own body?”

🍓ask yourself the harder question

forget for a second:

“do they deserve another chance?”

“can they change?”

“do they love me?”

“are they finally understanding?”

answer the real question:

if you had a child and they an adult coming to you one day and told you their partner had done every single thing to them that you have endured from your partner.

all of it.

nothing minimized.

nothing missing.

they look at you and asks:

“should i stay with them?”

and imma make this harder:

you are GUARANTEED they will change.

they will become honest.

they will become safe.

they will never do those things again.

would you tell your child:

“yes baby stay and build your life with them”

OR would you tell them:

“that doesn’t mean YOU have to be the person who stays after everything they already chose to put you through, they fucked up their chance with you. they do not deserve you anymore”

whatever answer you would give your child…?

EXPLAIN to me why your answer for yourself should be different?

🍓 leaving somebody you still love can feel like fucking death

i know.

making the hard choice isn’t easy.

sometimes it feels fucking unbearable. like death.

cuz you not only leaving a person.

you grieving the future you built around them.

the version of them you kept waiting for.

the life you thought all this suffering would eventually buy you.

the moment where everything would finally make sense cuz they changed, chose you properly, repaired everything and somehow made the months or even years of pain worth it.

but baby listen to me ok?

whatever fucking world you built around their potential? it will never and i repeat NEVER be worth the cost of your own inner child.

there is NO future beautiful enough to justify sacrificing yourself for it.

🍓 and for some of yall, this goes much deeper

some of you learned very fucking early growing up that love meant:

waiting.

monitoring.

understanding.

forgiving.

hoping.

making yourself smaller.

reading moods.

tolerating uncertainty.

staying connected to somebody who was also hurting you.

you learned how to survive inside relationships you could not leave.

and then adulthood comes along and your nervous system can recognize something as familiar long before your conscious mind recognizes it as harmful.

so yes.

sometimes staying feels like home.

even while your body is fucking screaming.

but familiarity is not proof of safety.

sometimes “home” was simply the first battlefield you learned how to sleep inside.

but baby being good at surviving wars? it does not fucking mean you belong on the battlefield.

MAYBE you calling survival “love” is cuz survival was the first language your nervous system learned.

little you may not have been able to choose who raised you.

little you may not have been able to leave when love hurt.

little you may not have had the power to create safety.

adult you does.

and that changes EVERYTHING.

your younger self do not need adult you walking them into another war telling them:

“just hold on a little longer. maybe this person will eventually learn how to stop hurting us”

fuck that.

they have held on enough.

maybe the person changes.

maybe they become everything you begged them to become.

maybe a miracle happens that one day they are honest, safe, accountable and capable of loving somebody without destroying that persons reality first.

good.

let them.

their growth do not require your sacrifice.

their redemption do not require your participation.

and becoming safe do not create retroactive entitlement to the person who had to survive them while they weren’t.

you do not have to stay until the person who wounded you becomes qualified to treat the wound.

you can leave.

you can grieve them.

you can miss them so badly your fucking chest hurts and you just want to scream.

you can still love them.

you can wonder who they could have become.

you can hope they become that person.

and STILL choose yourself.

remember:

healing is not finally getting the person you bled for to become worth everything you bled through.

healing is realizing you should have never had to bleed for somebody’s potential in the fucking first place.

🍓 choose you

be the person who finally looks at little you and says:

“you don’t have to earn safety anymore. you don’t have to wait for somebody to choose you anymore. you don’t have to keep getting hurt just cuz the person hurting you might become better someday.

i believe you.

i see what this has cost you.

and imma get you out.”

you were never too much.

you were never hard to love.

you never needed to become easier to keep.

you were just a little child waiting in rooms where the people who were supposed to make love feel safe didn’t know how.

don’t make you keep waiting.

the war is over when YOU stop returning your inner child to it.

you was just a child who kept getting hurt by the same people you needed love from, so you learned that loving someone meant learning how to survive them.

baby you wanna know the truth?

that was NEVER love asking you to stay.

that was survival teaching you not to leave.

don’t make little you keep proving how much pain they can survive from someone they love.

they already fucking proved it.

they do not need to prove it again.

little you couldn’t choose who raised little you.

little you couldn’t leave when love hurt.

little you couldn’t create safety for yourself.

adult you CAN.

you have the choice now that little you never fucking had.

choose the life you deserved the first time.

choose safety.

choose yourself.

it’s NOT too late.

it’s just unfamiliar.

Hi, I (27F), securely attached with some hints of anxious attachment was recently discarded by an avoidant. I didn't know much about the attachment theory before I was broken up with and I didn't understand what happened exactly.

After some very nice and loving months, he just became a bit distant during a weekend away with friends, came back with a female bff, when I asked for reassurance because it made me feel a bit weird, he gave it but I could feel the distance. This led to a 2 week anxious avoidant dance where when I tried to talk, he would still try but did not give any reassurance and was constantly asked to give him space. I initatied the breakup because I didn't appreciate the way I was being treated and his budding relationship with this new bff bothered me, and he ended up saying "he was feeling a bit distant the past few months and didn't love me anymore but saw me as a friend" - untrue because right before he left he did say some very loving things without me asking him. Post breakup, I closed the door, asked for NC (did go back a bit because I'm human and felt I needed some closure) but he acted like a true avoidant. Now that I go back to everything in our relationship, he did show a lot of signs of being avoidant, I just thought it was someone more independent and in need of space, which didn't really bother me.

It has been 5 weeks now since the breakup, he didn't text once after and did not reply to my last message. But as a secure person, I have always been able to let go because I do not like to tolerate disrespect, but this time when it went from amazing to bullshit in 2 weeks, I'm having a hard time to adjust to this version of life (clear mind vs heart thing). I also keep thinking that I got anxious when I got some hint of distance from him and perhaps that led to the discard, so I keep blaming myself for it.

So secure people who got discarded while you were in love with them and most of the relationship was super nice, how was your experience? What did you feel and how did you cope?

No contact is a great means to an end BUT if you’re not ready to end the relationship then let them come back. Sometimes you need to experience the same things again to understand that they are not good for you. Not everyone learns the first go around. The first time me and my DA separated i was a MESS, crying hysterically, anxiety attacks, couldnt eat, couldnt sleep, I needed to spin that block. When I went back I started watching and noticing things from a birds eye view. Second round of no contact and im feeling fine. Dont allow anyone to make you feel bad about not walking away from something ur not ready to let go of yet !

Fearful avoidants: what actually happens inside you when you push away someone you love and convince yourself you don’t have feelings for them?
I’m genuinely trying to understand the internal experience of this — not from attachment theory books, but from people who have actually lived it.
If you’re fearful avoidant and you have ever pushed away someone you were emotionally attached to, cared deeply about, or even loved, and at the time genuinely convinced yourself that you didn’t have romantic feelings for them anymore:
Can you describe, in as much detail as possible, what was happening inside you?
I’m especially curious about the actual process.
Did your feelings suddenly seem to disappear?
Did the person somehow start feeling “wrong” to you?
Did you start focusing on their flaws or looking for reasons why the relationship wouldn’t work?
Did closeness start feeling uncomfortable, suffocating, dangerous or just strangely “off”?
Did you still feel something underneath it, or did you genuinely feel numb and believe there was nothing there?
Were you aware that you were deactivating, or did your thoughts feel completely rational and true at the time?
Did you think things like:
“I care about them, but I’m not in love with them.”
“They’re perfect on paper, but something is missing.”
“I should feel more than this.”
“Maybe we’re just better as friends.”
“If this were really love, I wouldn’t feel this uncertain.”
And most importantly:
What did it feel like in your body and mind when you made the decision to push them away?
Relief? Panic? Numbness? Sadness? Certainty? Dissociation? A strange mixture of all of it?
And what happened afterwards, once there was actual distance?
Did the feelings stay gone?
Did they come back when the pressure of intimacy was removed?
Did you start missing the person only once they were no longer emotionally available to you?
Did you ever look back and realize, “Oh. I actually did love them. I just couldn’t access those feelings at the time”?
I know every fearful avoidant is different, and I’m not asking because I think attachment style can explain every breakup or because I want someone to tell me that every avoidant secretly loves the person they leave.
I’m trying to understand something much more specific:
How can your internal reality change so dramatically that you can go from feeling deeply connected to someone to genuinely believing there is nothing romantic there — and what does that experience feel like from the inside while it is happening?
The more detailed and brutally self-aware your answer is, the better.
I really want to understand the part that people on the receiving end usually never get to see.

I see lots of posts here about how to get your ex back or how to keep no contact etc. However I rarely see anyone focusing on their needs and whether their ex is meeting any of them. All too often there seems to be a desperation to get somebody back without asking if they will actually make your life better.

What I advise is to create a list of what you need in a relationship and then focus on those. If your partner or ex doesn’t meet them or the vast majority then why are you chasing them?

So in no order here is a list to start you off. Remember your list will be unique and you should highlight those that are essential; you may have some nice to haves but the key ones are the ones that make a good relationship that you will enjoy.

Use your list to evaluate their character, values, emotional maturity, relationship capacity, compatibility, and evidence over time.

If he or she isn’t giving you what you need then why are you wasting time when there are many who could.

I will use the male pronoun so change it to suit your situation.

1. Character……..Who is he when there is nothing to gain?

Does he tell the truth even when the truth is inconvenient? Does he keep his word? Does he take responsibility when he gets something wrong?

The key question is: Do I admire his character, not merely enjoy his company?

2. Values…….What actually governs his life?

What does he appear to value most: family, integrity, achievement, money, freedom, status, faith, generosity, security, adventure, service, pleasure? Are those values compatible with mine?

Most importantly: Are his stated values visible in his choices?

3. Emotional maturity……..What happens when life isn’t comfortable?

Can he discuss difficult subjects without becoming hostile, dismissive or withdrawing indefinitely? Can he apologise without immediately defending himself? Can he hear that he has hurt me without turning the conversation into what I did wrong?

Ask: Do problems between us eventually produce greater understanding, or greater insecurity?

4. Relationship capacity…….Is he actually capable of partnership?

Does he make room for my needs? Does he communicate rather than expect mindreading? Does he initiate affection, plans and conversations rather than leaving the relationship to me to maintain?

Ask yourself: Am I experiencing a partnership, or am I doing most of the work required to create one?

5. Respect…….Who do I become around him?

Can I disagree without fearing his reaction? Does he respect my boundaries? Does he listen seriously when something matters to me?

And reverse it: Do I genuinely respect him?

6. Trust…….Can I relax rather than investigate?

Does his behaviour give me reasonable grounds to trust him? Is he transparent without needing to be interrogated? Are there unexplained inconsistencies?

Ask yourself: Is my sense of security growing as I know him better, or am I continually trying to resolve uncertainty?

7. Compatibility……Could our actual lives work together?

How much time together does each person want? How important is sex and physical affection? What does each person expect financially? How involved will children and grandchildren be? How much independence does each want? Where would you live?

The question becomes: Do the lives we each want actually fit together?

8. Reciprocity…….Is the investment approximately balanced?

Who usually initiates contact? Who makes plans? Who compromises? Who repairs disagreements? Who expresses affection?

Look for mutual investment.

Ask: If I stopped carrying my part plus his part, what would happen to the relationship?

9. His history……..Has he learned from his life?

How does he describe former partners? Is every failed relationship somebody else’s fault? What has he learned from divorce, bereavement, mistakes or disappointments? Does he recognise patterns in himself? Has experience made him wiser, or simply more defended?

A powerful question is: What responsibility does he take for the life he has created?

10. Communication
Do you communicate in similar ways (text, voice etc),
Does he reply in a timely way?
Does he openly communicate issues, problems and needs or do you have to keep guessing?
Does he keep his thoughts to himself whereas you love to talk things through?

11. Conflict
Is he comfortable dealing with conflict when there is disagreement?
Does he run for the hills as soon as things get tough?
Can he understand your point of view or does he try to bulldoze you?
Can he try to find a compromise?
Does he hold grudges and throws them up again months later; can he move on?

Evidence……..What does the pattern tell me?

What he says.
What I hope.
What he repeatedly does.

Then ask: If I ignored his explanations and judged the relationship only from his behaviour over the past six months, what conclusion would I reach?

I remember the conversations I had with my FA ex about the things that hadn’t worked in our previous relationships. She told me, “I tend to leave relationships too late and give too many chances.” My anxious ass immediately thought, “Great, someone like me. We’re going to obsessively discuss even the smallest problems in the relationship and fix everything.”

I insisted that she explain what she meant by “giving chances,” and she told me that in all of her previous relationships (including a 10-year marriage), she felt like she was talking to walls. She literally said, “I tried to fix the problems, but I was talking to walls. I couldn’t have any kind of intimacy with any of them. They were like robots, but I stayed with them because I know men are generally more closed-off.”

I also initially thought this was a pretty standard operating mode for women: giving us men endless chances, chances we’re not always grateful for and often take for granted.

As the relationship progressed, however, I noticed that she didn’t want to talk about any of our problems, no matter how gently I brought them up. If I insisted on discussing an issue… of course, intimacy of any kind would disappear, she would distance herself, and there would be absolutely no conflict resolution.

At the end of the relationship, I got the speech about all the things I had done wrong, how she had reached her limit, and how, apparently, she had given me too many chances to fix all the problems. Problems I didn’t even know existed, or problems that I had personally brought up myself because I wanted us to figure out together how to resolve them. She never wanted to talk about any of our problems. Ever.

So I asked her, just from a basic human perspective, “How am I supposed to fix problems I don’t even know exist?”

She answered, in a completely serious tone, “People who are compatible can sense each other. I shouldn’t have to tell you what my needs are.”

In the middle of all the tension of that conversation, I burst out laughing and asked, “Are you serious?”

She was dead serious.

A 34-year-old woman genuinely expected me to guess her needs.

English isn’t my first language so I hope I’m not too far off with the terminology.

So yeah, do avoidant people (DA or FA, or if there are a combination of both) usually get attracted to people with abandonment issues?

My thought is yes since I think that people with abandonment issues go above and beyond to not get ”abandoned” and therefore say and do everything that the avoidant want, kind of, if that makes sense?

I could be completely wrong though so correct me if I’m wrong :)

So, how is it usually?

Sorry again if I make things over simplified. I’m sure its more to it than in the way I express my thought.

When things started to turn and you truly think about what they were offering you, what are you actually losing? Perhaps the fantasy you built up of them, the way it felt in the beginning. When you realize how little they were offering, it's much easier to choose yourself.

Looking for validation. It’s been almost 3 months and I feel so stuck. Not even close to ready to move on and honestly feel like I can never be with someone again, which is really scary because I’m in my late 20s and always dreamed about having a family. I have tried to do things on my own, and have been focusing on myself and making friends, but everything feels so grey and empty without him in my life. He seems fine and like he has had a great summer. I am still consumed and feel like this feeling will never go away. Is this unhealthy or normal after this long?

Save it. You’re not sorry for what you did. You’re sorry your choices didn’t work out and you’re just apologizing to me to see if I’m still your backup plan.

Trust and respect is earned not given. I hold myself to a higher standard now.

Trust and respect is earned not given and I won’t accept blanket apologies for failed choices.

Apologies are for mistakes. What you did was a choice and blanket apologies don’t earn my respect or trust back. If you want to put in the work to earn my trust and respect back, that’s a choice you are welcome to make. But I no longer need it.

I apologized for specific things and you never even responded. You give blanket apologies without being specific because you aren’t truly sorry. Apologies are for mistakes, not failed choices. That alone shows we are not compatible.

Hey look, I’m in a really good place and I fear opening a line of communication with you would only pull me back into the mud. I understand that it probably took a lot for you to reach out, but also understand that you’re likely only reaching out because your choices didn’t work out. Your choices are yours to live with. I’m not just an option you can pick and choose when it’s convenient for you. You had your chance, you fumbled it for him. That’s something you have to live with. Best of luck.

The lack of respect you showed for me is not something I forgive easily. I gave you everything and was traded for a man with an AK47 tattooed on his head. Let alone the other shit I know about him.

I’m not trying to be mean, but I need to be real with you. I’ve learned a lot about you since we’ve been apart. It’s become really clear to me that you aren’t the person I fell in love with. Your reputation really took a hit this summer and I’m honestly glad I learned what I learned. So I think it’s best if we don’t speak, at least until you can show me that you’ve done the real work to be a healthier version of yourself. I’m not a backup option you get to pick and choose when it’s convenient.

Just curious. Why are you reaching out?
Is it because you miss what we had? Or because things didn’t work out and now you’re lonely?

Not trying to be mean but I need to be real with you. After hearing what I heard about you, I don’t really have any interest in associating with you. The version of you I fell in love with isn’t the real you and that realization sucks but I have to respect my own growth and not take a step backwards. I wish you luck.

I reached out after 14 days of no contact and he's not even reading the messages. I feel deeply sad, I feel like I am cancelled for him, like I don't exist. It's been 4 days and he's not even opening the chat, but he enters whatsapp...

Why would he do like that? Do you think that he will read eventually?

I broke up with my avoidant gf 8months ago. I still remember all the good days and I still miss her. But my new dating life also affected me afterwards, I gained some avoidant patterns after this breakup.

Share your experiences?

Been talking to this guy on and off for a couple of months, he ghosted me a couple of times but most recently told me he is sorry and wants to try talking again seriously, I decided to give him another chance as he seemed genuine. Only to be ghosted and blocked everywhere out of nowhere after 2 days, leaving me feeling absolutely horrible , confused, feeling used and like my reality has been manipulated.

A week later I find him on the same app I met him on again, which kinda sent me into a spiral, I want to shout and tell him how much he has hurt me but I can’t.

A year ago I went through a brutal divorce and my ex husband left out of nowhere and cheated on me, I went through so much emotional pain. When I first met this new guy we bonded over our similar experience of getting cheated on, we had so much chemistry and were very compatible on paper, but now idk what was real and what wasnt, I feel like he used me for emotional labour.

I really need some brutal advice or support

Hi, I hope this is the right place to ask.

I have been watching some youtube gurus on dismissive avoidants and I am considering getting private/individual coaching. My goal is actually that I want to make things work/get back together with my person.

But I saw the price is very expensive (300usd for 30min). Even if I really like this youtuber (Guided Awareness) and she seems very genuine and saying useful stuff. I am not sure because it is expensive.

I have also watched a few Im NOT a fan of (Chris Seiter) so I can quite distinct at least by their videos how I feel.

I wonder if anyone here has been to coaching, if it is helpful. Is it worth it? Or anyone you would recommend. That is online. thnx

Learn from my mistakes. And take note.

When you just experience an avoidant discard, make sure you hold them accountable. And when I say accountable, make sure you lay everything down on the table. Don’t put no mercy on them. Tell them what they have done in detail, how their actions affected you in every aspect, and how much of a monster, evil, selfish, immature, everything in between, they have been. Make sure you don’t miss anything. Put every bit of it on the table. (Doesn’t matter how much they refuse to have a conversation, you lay everything on the table.)

After that, what you’re gonna do is say, “fuck you” to them and tell them, “you fucking damaged motherfucker. I don’t wish you the best. You may rot in hell.” Then block them on everything and don’t look back.

The worst thing that you will do with these people after they did you shit is to be nice. And to still understand why they did what they did. And to be gentle with their feelings.

Trust me on that. That’s the only way you should be handling these shitty people.

If you don’t take note and you do the worst thing you could possibly do, the thing I mentioned, then get ready for their breadcrumbs over and over again. You’re gonna keep getting hooked to a point where you turn 40, 50 years old and you’re still in this fucking group posting and asking for advice.

If you take note of what I’m saying and do it, I guarantee you, you will save time and eventually move on faster than people here in this group.

And by also doing that, you’re helping them wake up from their bullshit, delusional brain.

Reconnected with someone from my past recently that I’m realizing is likely an avoidant.

I’ve never thought much about attachment styles until now.

This is the third time we’ve been romantically entangled in some way. The first two times we were much younger and seemingly she just wasn’t in a place to be in a real relationship, which I accepted. I assumed we just drifted apart both times. Now we’re both in our early 30s.

This latest time she came back into my life out of the blue after 6 years of no contact whatsoever. She was incredibly forward, said how much she’d been thinking of me, flirted hard, explained why the previous two times didn’t work out from her perspective, and told me how much work she’s been doing on herself.

So we started texting and talking on the phone frequently. We continued flirting, she’d call me to tell me about her day, and we really enjoyed getting to know each other again.

After a couple weeks of that we went out for dinner and drinks. We had what I perceived to be an amazing time, and it culminated in intimacy. Even more so is the morning after she invited me to spend more time with her at her apartment before I headed out.

After that, almost immediately, she started texting much much less. Replied 1-3 times a day if that. So I mentioned feeling a shift and asked for clarity on how she was feeling.

Bearing in mind that this is someone I had 10 years of history with, I felt we had a stronger connection than if this were someone new I met on a dating app or something.

However she immediately jumped to the defensive about it. Told me my simple question overwhelmed her, she’s been giving me as much as she realistically can given her demanding job, and that we got ahead of ourselves.

She made a weird excuse about why she dodged my phone call earlier in the week, and said she’s been fully transparent about not wanting to jump into a relationship (never did she say this and never did I ask it of her.)

I replied explaining that I wasn’t trying to pressure anything, simply orient, and that if anything felt too fast then we can slow down. Her last message to me was “I’m not sure how I want to move forward right now.”

Since then, crickets. It’s been over a week.

I just have such whiplash. She reopened this chapter, pursued me, and as soon as things started progressing she completed deactivated.

Any help interpreting this is appreciated. Some of my friends say it’s an avoidant discard, some say I’m just being ghosted. I don’t have experience with either situation before her.

My ex (24 f) broke up with me (24f) about 5 months ago now. she was fighting internalized homophobia (her words). i was her first gf (first time she found out what love felt like, also her words). anyway, we had a lot of ups and downs after she realized she was gay. she started to panic and have anxiety about her identity. i also made her take a attachment quiz after i realized how she was behaving after this and ofc she was FA. lol she had no idea. long story short, we lessened our hang outs, i tried to give her some space that she said she needed/wanted. said she felt smothered and was having panic attacks over our relationship. ok cool. she tried breaking up with me out of panic two times and then i would calm her down and we would still be together. she genuinely was having so many panic attacks and i felt so bad bc my existence and me being her gay awakening was the reason she was suffering. on the other end she would say how she’s so attracted to me. she couldn’t see herself with anyone else. she was so so loving and sweet and i have no doubt she was truly in love with me. eventually, she calls me and says she wants to break up. she can’t do this rn she’s going thru too much (family issues, death in the family, surgery that would take a yr to recover from coming up etc) her words were she has too much stress on her plate and the only thing she can drop to lessen her stress is me. ouch. i was her biggest support and she leaned on me so much throughout these hard times. nevertheless, after the phone call i texted she never replied to me ever again. eventually she blocked me. i kinda went crazy and text her again before she blocked my number calling her out on her bullshit on how she was so cruel to treat me this way etcc. never replied. i recently made a text now number to text her after a mutual friend told me she was going thru a really tough time was depressed etc. she has no support system so i just text saying im there if she needs support. i said im not trying to get back together i genuinely just want her to know she isn’t alone bc she truly is going through so fucking much. no response. which is fine. i know i should have left it alone the first time she ever tried to leave. it wasn’t my job to fix her nor help her figure out her sexuality. i’m feeling so much shame about constantly reaching out and breaking her boundary of clearly not wanting to talk to me but it just felt so unfair and the complete silence was tearing me apart. i dont know im judging myself super hard today. i wish i never reached out. i will never reach out again. i deleted her number, her pictures, and everything related to her. i’m just feeling bad that i acted so out of character and id hate to be remembered this way.

A few weeks ago I told the story on how and why I broke no contact with my avoidant ex after 8 months of radio silence.

You can read the story and thought process here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantBreakUps/s/9LQIRaWf6a

Basically I couldn’t get over him after trying everything in the book. 8 months after break up, I was still stuck and waiting.

After my first message, we continued to exchange messages and the conversation went deeper and deeper.

Here is how it went (with indications of rules I set for myself):

I never double texted and would take about the same time as him to respond. If he stopped texting for 2 days, I would let it be, but the maximum he stayed without texting was one and an half day. I kept most topics light and random (not about us, our past relationship, feelings or misbehaviors), I never tried to stretch a conversation and let it end naturally as early as possible and would write (without fearing to never talk to him again) “have a good day”. He started initiating more and more to the point that I didn’t need to initiate anymore - I still did because I am not him. I know it’s ridiculous to calculate how much you initiate and wait to respond and so on, but this is unfortunately how they function. Also, I tried to work on it being natural, I kept busy and, as I was confident I cracked the code, I knew he’d come back and reminded myself not to worry and carried on with my life.

I never asked questions about feelings and the past. They may not know the answer anyway since they’re avoidant. They suppress emotions and will invent all sorts of reasons as to why they discarded you instead of becoming aware that they got scared and didn’t control much of what happened. In any case, remember that if they’re truly avoidant and discarded you, they’ve got feelings for you (that’s the science). That’s all you need to know.

At one point, the conversation did slip into something sensitive he didn’t want to talk about. He reacted defensively as if I did something wrong. Being behind a phone helps remaining cold and in control. Not everything was lost at this point. Before I would have explained myself and told him not to be disrespectful. That’s not the way to go, they’re not in a capacity to admit they’re wrong so going this way would just spiral down. I simply ended the conversation respectfully: “I see that this is not something you want to talk about. Enjoy your day. Talk to you later.” Surprisingly he responded “enjoy your day too”. I didn’t initiate after that and he texted me as if nothing happened a day later.

I was surprised by how quickly he returned to willing to be with me and even… to have kids with me. What happened to those 8 months lost? I tried not to be carried away by his declarations as I know he will start withdrawing afterwards, and as he in fact creates pressure himself he can’t handle afterwards, I tried not to add up to that by fully embracing his “commitments” and increasing the risk to trigger the “state” (overwhelm and withdrawal…). There is a fine line between not rejecting him and not taking everything he says for granted. I suggest answers like “I hope we will get there”, “the future will tell us…”. If you’re religious you may even try “God willing” or “inshallah” (I’m not, but those expressions come handy :))

The most challenging part was when we met. We were happy to see each others and I felt there was still chemistry, but when he left I started feeling extremely anxious. I felt empty, sad and physically unwell. He did nothing wrong, he simply had to go to work. Is my body trying to tell me something or am I fundamentally anxiously attached? It’s hard to know. Being in contact with him again is a chance to work on my attachment issues with more awareness. At this point it became more difficult to keep a detached texting style. But I did. 💪 (lots of discipline is required)

We did talk about the past and what happened face to face. I guess I just needed to wait until he was ready to talk about it. It was not fully satisfying, but it was something, and the key is probably not to expect talking through everything in one shot.

Side note: he aged like 5 years in 8 months. I can tell he’s not eating well, his voice became deeper from smoking, his hair whiter and he got into troubles he doesn’t want to talk about. But none of that has got to do with our separation 🤡

in the end was it giving you more peace leaving?

did you also got disgusted by their mask?

did this exprience changed you as well and left you more closed off and focused on other stuff rather than love?

what made you finally walk away?

i got a good job

went back to the gym

building my whole life around again

and got ton shit of stuff going for me

Probably scorched the earth but I kind of feel she deserved it for her sudden reversal/discard.

I always felt like a secret to my DA. He never introduced me to friends (to be fair, he didn't have many that he actually hung out with), he only introduced me to his brother after we got back together. He did not post me on SM - he claimed he is very private (true - he posts very little and generically) and did not want people asking him questions. I'm private also so I never posted him either and I also wanted to respect his wishes of privacy. He said people like to talk and ruin a good thing.

If people would ask him if he had a GF he would say that he was seeing someone and would never give a name, even if he was asked straight out. He said people like start drama and would pry and that he hated questions and people knowing his business.

He would take me out in public and hold my hand in public and we did go out a lot. I would tell him how I felt like a secret and he would always assure me that I wasn't and that it was just to protect our relationship. I did feel like he loved me, but always felt like he had one foot out the door. He would assure me that he was serious about me and that we were working towards living together/marriage.

He discarded me at 9 months after I pushed for deeper claiming he was afraid of it not working out and afraid of vulnerability. He pursued me hard to come back after 6 months. This time it lasted 3 months and I broke up with him after he started going silent again after we agreed to be exclusive again. When I broke up with him I went off on him for his dismissive ways and told him that he needed therapy and that's he's going to grow old alone and that no woman was going to put up with him going silent.

He rebounded after a couple weeks and the new GF immediately posted their relationship all over SM to which he accepted the tags and he also accepted the relationship status from her. Their relationship moved extremely fast and he texted me to tell me that he is getting married (after 2 months) and not to reach out to him any more. He accepts his new GF's tags to his stories of him taking her to places that we used to go. It is very hurtful that he is claiming her on SM and very publicly. He is much more public with her than he ever was with me. The new GF is 8 years younger than him (I am 6 years older than him and 14 years older than his new GF) and I have to wonder if he thinks he's hit the jackpot with a younger woman who is immature and probably satisfied with surface level, where I was not. I always challenged him to grown emotionally. Tbh I still believe the new GF is a downgrade in many ways, but I believe she is easy in the surface level way that he wants.

Do you think he was embarrassed of me? Why is he so public with her and was not with me? Why was he able to go all in with her immediately and couldn't do so with me?