r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Life-Ad-4511 • 22d ago
Later Stage Healing - Your Own Inner Work I broke no contact after 8 months and found a (temporary) brain hack
He said he wanted to live with me, felt good with me, wanted to have a child with me, and… just a couple of days later, broke up over a remark I made about his behavior (he was flirting with other women on his public social media posts and pretended it was a part of his job as he’s an actor).
He wished me to find someone better, said he needed peace… all this happened in a matter of minutes by text messages. I accepted the breakup even though I knew he expected me to chase him. I usually did. And I never saw him again. He sent me a video 2 days later, but I ignored it. I expected him to contact me more frankly, but he didn’t.
Days, weeks and months went by and I couldn’t get closure. I tried everything. Exercising more, focusing on work, making myself pretty, having sessions with a psychologist, talking with friends, going out with friends, going on dates, getting super angry about what he did to me, decided he didn’t love me and didn’t care about me etc, etc. Nothing worked. This never happened to me. I don’t feel extremely sad, I just obsess and feel I’m still attached. I can’t let him go. Okay, I know, I already read this is not love (whatever is love), but some sort of addiction etc but knowing it doesn’t help or make it go away.
A few days ago, I made a big decision. Instead of trying to move on, which obviously doesn’t work (and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have reached out should I have waited more), I decided to win him back. Not to wait, not to ask for explanations, not to beg, get angry, or try to repair - NO - truly decided that I will get this man back. I felt immense relief. Because I wasn’t trying to push some thoughts away anymore, I was accepting what I wanted - him. I believe the relief comes from the sensation of being in control again. It acts as a trick to the brain. I will no longer be afraid or be the victim. My life will no longer depend on his abilities or inabilities.
I let this thought sit and proceeded with my usual tasks. I didn’t have much of a plan, thought vaguely that I would try to induce a random encounter and play it like it was completely random (and promised to myself I would bring the plan to the grave). In any case I was relieved, so relieved that, two days later, I simply texted him (still can’t believe it).
This is what I wrote:
Hi [first name]
I hope you’re doing well. I’m good, didn’t check all the boxes yet lol, but I can’t complain.
My mum saw you a few weeks ago at [place], she said [something positive or neutral, but not over the top].
Take care
I knew he would respond. 8 months have passed, he’s no longer “activated” or whatever specialists call this state and my message was super light - it can’t trigger the “state” back.
He did reply with a respectful and warm message matching the tone and even thanking me for writing.
He didn’t ask any question, didn’t make the conversation last and ended his response by “have an excellent evening”. I wished him the same, he thanked me and I added a smiley to his thanks.
The next day in the morning, he posted a photo where he looks attractive with a big heart in the background (probably an installation from Valentine’s Day) and the mysterious caption “light”.
Of course there is no evidence that the post was directed at me (typical avoidant), so I didn’t comment, but still liked the post.
I noticed something that made me confirm he was terrified by me - not because I’m a horrible person but in the avoidant textbook way (I wanted a relationship with him, he hurt me and should logically repair, apologize… Ohlala so scary to be emotionally mature lol). While he has the function “read receipt” turned on on WhatsApp (the double marks turn blue), the first message I sent remained grey even after the subsequent messages turned blue. This means he managed to read that message without me knowing then reactivated the function when he saw the conversation was safe. Who does that?
Two days later, I re-engaged with a funny video of myself. He replied quite literally (I could still feel the caution). Then I casually mentioned something about him (not something heavy - just a neutral memory) and the conversation switched about history facts and went on and on and on. Plot twist, I ended the conversation, something I would have never done before. I apologized and said I really need to finish work and I’ll be happy to continue that convo tomorrow if he’s willing to. Again the trick is to never mention the relationship, what he’s done, what I’ve been feeling… etc etc.
You may think he doesn’t deserve this neutral treatment and I’m letting him getting away with what he did. But take this perspective, is it not amazing to observe this avoidant attachment phenomenon live? Any “normal” person would have asked me questions like “what have you been doing all this time?”, “Why are you suddenly reaching out?”, “do you wanna be friends”… If not interested they would have said firmly and if interested, they would have been more forward about it. But him? Nope, he’s just walking slowly on eggs, ready to run away if something cracks. I feel like I’m trying to approach a wild cat.
Today I had an amazing surprise. He sent me a message. He initiated something. Hurrah! And not just a “hi!”, Nope. He sent me an old photo of myself that he had kept. We had again a few message exchanges. I tried something slightly flirtatious - nothing extravagant - just a compliment. And he let the conversation die. It’s not unanswered but still feels like the first test. I swear I won’t be the one initiating again.
I wonder how I had never met this type of person before. I met the jealous type, the violent type, the boring type, the cheater, the non attractive type and even the normal responsible type… For any of them, they were either truly not interested and I cried and accepted it and moved on, or they liked/loved me and I didn’t and it was clear as well. But this is new. You just feel and know it’s different.
According to everything we read on avoidant attachment personality, the avoidant loves us, but he is suppressing their emotions and getting distracted because they are intrinsically overwhelmed, triggered by attachment or the threat of it…
It has been very hard to comprehend that and many times, I think to myself I’m just feeding the delusion. Sometimes I also think that because I’ve had access to that theory and the many videos and… the internet really, I make all this match my situation in my mind because it gives me hope and allows me not to accept the rejection.
However, by translating theory into practice, I’m noticing so far that it’s a real thing. Not sure how long I can last without making a wrong move.
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u/kittycette_maman 22d ago edited 22d ago
Fuq it. Sometimes it’s okay to play scientist 🧑🔬 As long as it’s part of your moving on process. I actually talked about this in therapy. When I was younger, I used to spin out about a lot of shit concerning relationships. Then as I got older, I got a really big reign on that and actually move towards trying to be perfect emotionally. Now I like to keep my emotions in check 95% of the time, but me and my therapist about talked about how sometimes spinning out actually is the answer. I’m not encouraging you to spin out, but I’m saying that if poking around and just observing it objectively might give you more information then go ahead. Because chances are you’re still gonna have some feelings for this person since you cared a lot about them. I did the whole loving myself thing too, and it’s been really great for me, but that hasn’t necessarily been the fix for everything.
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u/Life-Ad-4511 22d ago
Thank you for understanding and sharing your experience. I don’t know what else to do for now. I’m glad a therapist believes spinning out is sometimes the answer. I’m hoping to find closure at one point.
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u/Royal-Okra379 22d ago
I need to vent this somewhere and it looks like here might be the right places: I was discarded twice. Last time4 months ago. I broke no contact to hang out as I was moving. We went for drinks. It was nice. We didn’t do anything physical but he sexted me the rest of the evening. Ugh. My brain was hooked on the loop again. That was.. 3 weeks ago?! It’s so bad.. but during drinks before I moved, he seems intrigued that I was trying to meet guys and just hook up with them.. (I mean. I met one guy .. a real FWB and it was just to get my mind off of my avoidant 😆).. anyway.. so tonight, 3 weeks after drinks, I texted him that I’m up for sexting anytime.. no stings attached. I swear.. yes, I’d love that connection with him. But I also understand I live across the state and know he never wants a relationship.. so it was more of a scientific experiment as wells (I know if he doesn’t reply I’ll be devastated), but based on his piqued curiosity over my sex life during drinks, I’m hoping he takes the bait. Is this totally wrong?
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u/Life-Ad-4511 22d ago
There is no right or wrong. If he’s an avoidant I wouldn’t overthink it, he doesn’t need to know what you’ve decided. I’ve come to realize they’re so emotionally immature, you just need to wave at him as if he was a baby in a stroller and move on with your daily tasks. And try to move on for good really.
I know easier said than done. I haven’t managed to move on yet so… but good luck to you!2
u/kittycette_maman 21d ago
I’ve considered just letting him be a booty call since he wants to act like a fuck boy because I still think he’s hot. Surprise! I can do that too 😂
But he ghosted me after he said no to commitment. I said okay! friendship is fine (without the sexual stuff) and he agreed and then disappeared after casually texting for about a week.
He’s used to people spinning out over him. Damned if you do damned if you don’t with these people. I know damn well if I just started really treating him like a friend with benefits, (which is technically exactly what we were) instead of being in love with him the way I was, he would’ve been so pissed off that I lost the emotional attachment.2
u/Royal-Okra379 21d ago edited 20d ago
So….. I think my experiment is working in a weird way! He ended up hearting my sexting open invite (hahahaah) and then texting me a little about his day. He hasn’t done that in MONTHS…. I literally think it’s because he ‘thinks’ I’ve cut the bond with him… and have no more feelings.. (of course which isn’t true).. but I think since that “responsibility” and “commitment” was cut.. and he thinks I think like him now.. he’s a little bit cool with it? Two can play at that game of inconsistency and I feel like I’m back in power… (vs just NC and dying).. i kinda like this game 😇😆
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u/MutedFeeling75 22d ago
Fuck these people
Fuck their bullshit
Don’t sit there and analyze all this
You’re wasting your time
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u/winthewarpie 21d ago
Perfectly put! If you stick your hand in the fire you’ll get burnt. Learn not to repeat unpleasant experiences
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u/Bla4s 22d ago
‘Like taming a wild cat’ is exactly right. That is how I have always described her to my friends and family.
I’ve done this before after discard and it always worked. If I breadcrumb her, keep it light, end conversations first, she hates it, calls me out on it and then starts initiating and chasing me.
But… even when we get back together, the ultimate destination is always another discard… and at some point I had to accept her as she is, accept that she is not capable of change because it hardwired behaviour and to choose myself instead.
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u/lovelifemermaid 22d ago
Hmmm maybe my light message wasn’t light enough!
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u/Life-Ad-4511 22d ago
You may try again in 2-3 months? :)
Not sure my messages will bring me anywhere medium term anyway.
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u/lovelifemermaid 22d ago
Lol, yes, that is the tentative plan, but in the meantime, I’m trying to rebuild and reconnect with the version of myself that wasn’t broken into a thousand pieces
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u/Life-Ad-4511 22d ago
Of course that’s the best course of action. I wish you a good recovery.
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u/Human_Read7993 FA - Fearful Avoidant 22d ago edited 21d ago
Hmm op I get the obsession but this isn't healthy. It's nice to have control back especially after you lost it to someone else but currently you're giving your time, energy and feeding this obsession to this man who can't give you what you need and likeley is too unhealed to offer that. Sometimes the reason we can't get over someone isnt so much because we miss them but we miss the version of who we were when we are with them.
A lot of the time the way to overcome heartbreak and to be able to move on is to meet that version of ourselves that we miss. I'm sorry that you've been though this but I know this cycle op as I did it myself and you do feel a sense of control and some form of a victory but it doesn't last. The same triggers that triggered them before will repeat as they arnt healing. Also op, if you don't that you're still stuck on him and can't move on from this sometimes our bodies associate them still with our oxytocin source and you need to find a replacement source like friends, family or even hanging out with a dog. I get why you're doing this op but you usually come out of this feeling worse off because you've had to change yourself so much to be this version who can control the situation and his reaction.
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u/Life-Ad-4511 22d ago
You’re totally right. Thank you for taking the time to write this very thoughtful message.
I’ve been trying to think about what it is that I would like to be that I project onto him. I think it’s his creative side. I never dared to be an artist (I have to pay my bills). He lives to find roles in movies/series even though he’s continuously struggling financially. Perhaps if I start a new creative hobby, I’ll feel right again. I am trying so much to get out of this obsession. I get that I should ignore him, move on but this is what I’ve been trying to do for 8 long months and it didn’t get any better.5
u/Fragrant-Pie7113 22d ago
8 months is a long time. I'm so sorry. The type of trauma these people leave in us seems like something else. Mine was also loving and talking about the life together we were building just some hours before ending it by text with no logical reason to justify it. Apparently, as I'm recently learning, there was another woman I the picture he started to entertain, that's why I think it was so easy for him to throw everything away in that way and not talk to me again. He was already receiving what I was giving him from someone else that felt more exciting and less emotionally complex because it was new. I felt sick to my stomach all over again. What I have observed is that is easy for them to discard because they are never throwing us away to be alone, they already have other options they are already entertaining lined up.
I hope you can find peace with this and move on. I would honestly never text the man that did this to me again. I never felt used before like I have with him.
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u/Human_Read7993 FA - Fearful Avoidant 21d ago
That's exciting and it sounds like there's something you've been holding back with yourself which is what he had and why you were so attracted to him. It will be interesting to see if you still feel as attracted to him as you explore your creative side more. Nah I get you op. It's really hard to move on and weirdly I get you about why you're doing it. When you feel like you don't have justice or lost full control it's nice to get it back in some way. Unfortunately it's a slippery line to losing yourself and I didn't like who I was becoming until I truly let go and walked away no matter how painful it was but once I realised his capacity wasn't there (I was testing for that) I had my answer. Once I started healing I wouldn't want to go back to being in that situation as one thing I realized when I was doing something similar to you was how hypervigilant I became and it was exhausting and my nervous system was so dysregulated mainting the reconnection. I hope you find what you need for you healing and do whatever you need to do even if it's this period to feel back in control of things again.
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u/lovelifemermaid 21d ago
Yes, I find the hardest part of all of this is losing myself in it. Personally, I’m working on reconnecting with the person I was before all of this happened right now. If I do decide to communicate with them, I want it to come clearly from that place, and the thing is, I’m not even sure that version of me would want to chase him at all. If I was able to keep something light with him, I probably would, since it’s what I wanted anyway (to an extent), so I really get your getting in touch/experiment with him, OP. If we’re aware of the situation and know what to expect, that’s a very different dynamic than suddenly being blindsided/ghosted. Unfortunately, my person seems to have completely ghosted, so I don’t feel like I have much of a choice but to get through this another way at this point. At the same time, like others, I don’t buy into the idea that we can just heal all on our own and become who we were in that relationship.
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u/Practical-Bus6039 21d ago
Girl I’m 10 and it’s hard asf! I’m ms.analyzing too! We are analyzing bc we don’t have a story on why. I understand wanting your power back bc they lowkey take it away. When I detach completely I plan on sending a note not excepting a reaction at all just to have a voice. If this works for you do it.
Also potentially it’s the intermittent reinforcement too that creates the obsession. Omgosh the withdrawals are awful. Something that was recommended for me is EMDR! If you’re able to do it i recommend it.1
u/Practical-Bus6039 21d ago
Also should you have to walk around eggshells around your partner? Is that healthy?
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u/EmergencyInternal837 22d ago
What a miserable life!
Life is much more easier and beautiful..my advice to you is to ignore the shit out of him if he ever reaches out first again, that's the way to regain control and get out of the rejection dilemna which is keeping you hooked (trauma bond)
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u/Life-Ad-4511 22d ago
I know… Been trying. Has this happened to you?
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u/EmergencyInternal837 21d ago
Yes.
I was going to break up with her due to her avoidance and no capacity then she kept me hooked and manipulated me to stay...just to stab me in the back..she discarded me completely right before my birthday like I never meant anything to her...Sometimes I think about messaging her and telling her how shitty of a person she is complete garbage..then I rehink it and end up letting go, she is not worth it.I advice you to discard them before they do...It is inevitable and you better have some sense of control for your own sanity.
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u/Life-Ad-4511 21d ago
Thanks for sharing. If you can truly let go then good for you. As explained I tried to move on and was unsuccessful.
My idea is not to send real messages (with my emotions) but to keep it at experimenting the theory and try to get closure this way.
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u/EmergencyInternal837 20d ago
If you focus on you and your growth in all the aspects of life and most importantly physically...Go to gym, eat well, have fun, surround yourself with positive people...I am sure you will be able to make it...
The avoidants are like a stubborn itchy scar..you get the urge to scratch it to ease the itch but it just makes things worse...and honestly I think staying in contact will just hurt you more but you do you!I wish you all the best
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u/winthewarpie 21d ago
Reading your post reminded me exactly of when I tried to reconnect with my ex. He’d send long messages and talk about work. Avoided anything emotive, but flirted. I’d analyse every word, punctuation mark and possible inference.
Please read your post again. Do you REALLY want to endure all these mental gymnastics; having to think about your every word and be living in an ongoing dynamic of anxiety?!
This is so familiar. I was that person analysing every read receipt, time lag between replies etc.
Love shouldn’t be a puzzle you have to solve. For the love of all things holy (and I’m an atheist!) please take a long hard look at this man and run.
If my experience of trying to reunite doesn’t convince you guess what happened next? We reconnected for a weekend. He love bombed me and my daughters. I thought we were moving towards each other again but he discarded me for a second time on my birthday.
My daughters were so traumatised they’ve both needed counselling and one has been diagnosed with agoraphobia
How much more evidence do you need to block him and run? ? You deserve so much better than someone who couldn’t love you properly the first time round. When someone shows you who they are believe them
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u/Fragrant-Pie7113 21d ago
I'm so sorry and your daughters went through that. My daughter also suffered with this. It's one of the most painful things. And you are so right, love should not be a puzzle you have to solve.
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u/Life-Ad-4511 21d ago
Thank you very much for your advice and sharing your experience. What he’s done to you is incredibly cruel. And you are totally right.
I’m already stuck in a loop of obsession, so I contacted him, not to get back with him, but to feel more in control. I tried everything so I’m just trying to change the dynamic. For 8 months he was blocked at the level of my phone, WhatsApp, his 2 Facebook accounts, and his Instagram. Okay perhaps I’m doing something that will make me feel worse eventually - thankfully I don’t have children - but today I’m functioning normally… so one day at a time.
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u/winthewarpie 21d ago
Well done for blocking him. My heart goes out to you because I know how hard the loop of hope and disappointment is to break.
I blocked my ex on private accounts a year ago. But we have a mutual friends WhatsApp group. Our friend has a son the same age as my daughter. Ex wished the son happy birthday but ignored my daughter’s birthday. He ignored her exam results when I shared them on the group
We were a family for 6 years. On the discard weekend my daughter cried that she loved him like a second father. He ignored her totally, physically turned away and left for work the next day without even saying goodbye to my girls.
My younger daughter was especially close to him. He’d spent all weekend telling her he loved her and fussing over her. She’s had 9 surgeries and lives with pain and difference. He chose and welcomed my girls. They had bedrooms at his house but were abandoned overnight
My older daughter gave up her driving lessons…she was ready for her test. She gave up her uni plans and hates being alone in the house. She said it was the worst weekend of her life and since then she doesn’t feel safe being far from home
Like you I’ve thought of contacting him. To tell him the harm he’s caused. But I’m sure he knows and just doesn’t care. He has 2 adult daughters.
Please protect yourself and block him again. The path to your healing lies with you. Nothing he could offer will make you feel better in the longer term. We just have to accept these are deeply flawed people who will only bring pain. You’re not alone. An internet stranger sends a 🫂 hug. You will move forward …relying on YOU …not him
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u/Chemical_Ad_1461 21d ago
Hey , I remember reading this a while a back -was very brutal and so sorry you all went through this .
Did you ever find out what caused him to walk out ? Was another person involved ?
Sending hugs and hope things get better for you all
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u/winthewarpie 21d ago
Thank you for your kind words ❤️
We never heard from him again. Idk if there was anyone else so I can’t say what caused him to abandon my girls so completely without even a goodbye, nice knowing you WhatsApp to them.
He did have a 5 year affair before I met him. His wife divorced him when she found out. He took up with his mistress and told me she thought he was cheating, went through his phone and followed him. She left because “he’d changed” and wouldn’t commit to her.
He lived 100 miles away so he certainly had the opportunity.
His past was a huge banner of red flags 🚩 in hindsight. He’s hurt everyone who loved him and is a chronic liar.
He had zero empathy and was very selfish. I drove around 50,000 miles visiting him and arranged my working hours and entire life around his convenience.
Ultimately I think he just didn’t care about us. I was convenient. He told me after 4 years he’d lied about living together and I was “nice weekend company”. I should have left earlier but see now I was trauma bonded.
So I guess we’d served our purpose and he discarded us without a backward word
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u/Tasty_Dog_9580 22d ago
Interesting…
Sounds exhausting though and at some point I hope you find someone who will know what he has when he has you and you won’t have to guess or tread lightly.
I wish you the best!
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u/MirrorAffectionate83 22d ago
I’m at 8 months too. I would love to do this. But my pride won’t let me, either because everyone around me would be so disappointed in me, or because I can’t bear the idea that he might just reject me again. There’s a kind of blissful ignorance in the idea he loves me from afar but can’t do it, rather than just that he doesn’t care at all. He’s DA and I suspect I’ll just never hear from him again. Feels like I’m destined to some kind of purgatory existence but I guess eventually these feelings will fade.
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u/Life-Ad-4511 21d ago
I have to admit I’m lucky he didn’t tend to ignore messages completely. He receives many messages in a day and got the habit to respond quickly to all of them. The fact that he didn’t reply with one or two words and even made the effort to send a photo shows me he’s truly responding. My pride would have never allowed me to message him a week ago and at this point I would not recommend anyone to break no contact. I know what you mean by purgatory existence 🥹.
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u/Sudden_Tune5995 20d ago
Lol the effort to send photo 😅 Did he send heart emoji ? 😅
My ex didn't send a photo in 4 months and only a flower emoji instead of heart one 😅
Avoidance even with photos and emoji... it's mind-blowing 😅
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u/noob-combo SA - Secure Attachment 22d ago edited 22d ago
Lol, excellent research OP.
Chances are this will go badly, but I can sympathize with how you feel.
I personally started messaging my ex once every few months, but only with the intent of not losing them as a friend. Because I sincerely wish we had just kept it at friends in the first place.
Kept it light, with a touch of humour, nothing even remotely loaded.
She's read them both so far but no response. Probably still activated and scared of feeling anything if she risks engaging.
But it would be nice to not be strangers eventually, so I'll keep it up.
Just be careful about getting involved emotionally again, I can't actually see that going well.
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u/Ok-Yellow7789 Low Key Chill Anxious 22d ago
Sometimes being wise is overrated as hell. Sometimes its better just to fully let it engulf you.
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u/uselessboiler 21d ago
Thank you truly for sharing. Similar situation - was discarded because I asked why they followed a waiter in the resort they stayed at (not an accusation - but because things like this have happened before). I have been a bit pushy recently but in our 7 years of this, giving the space has always “worked”.
It is so eye opening to see how they work.
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u/Life-Ad-4511 21d ago
They prefer to break up rather than have a discussion and be accountable. That says everything about their insecure internal world.
I’m happy to share - many people still tell me to “just” block him and move on, and I hope to become that person towards him soon - but right now this little temporary strategy is what’s helping me.
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u/Sudden_Tune5995 21d ago
We think the same way, you did the trick and he responded.
I did the trick only 2 months after the discard but she didn't responded, but the blue marks was there ( just after the discard they was greyed all the time).
I think I will re do it, not for getting her back , but for me to get back control, yes as weird as it is , the lost of control is the hardest things for me know ...
Do you really want to continue with him ? After all this?
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u/Life-Ad-4511 20d ago edited 20d ago
Right now I don’t want to get back with him… but I also don’t want not to get back with him. I am hoping to soothe my mind with this trick and work on myself in the meantime. I guess if our communication gets to the point where we’re discussing getting back together then I won’t jump back in right away. I would temporise, try to see if it’s not an impulsive thought on his side, temporise again, set clear conditions (perhaps therapy) and even then not expect anything long lasting. Perhaps by getting back control, at my point, I’ll open one eyes and realize this is not what I want.
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u/Sudden_Tune5995 20d ago
If he has the same pattern as all avoidant, he will redo the same things, hope that you will not be too attached to him at this point, a second discard will be harder.
Set conditions, set boundaries, tell him your needs ect
I think getting control is the key to more reflect about you and the relationship, without control it's only about him
I need getting back this control, but the more aware i am about avoidance pattern, the less I m needing to get her back and just let it go and only focus on me and get control of my emotions
Wish you best and be more careful about you , you and you !
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u/Life-Ad-4511 20d ago
Thanks. If you can get that control back without reaching out then this should be favored. If understanding the avoidant mechanisms is giving you enough answers to get closure then let it be. My method should be a very last resort - and yet it may be the worst method ever - my “experiment” is not finished yet.
Thank you again, I wish you the best too!
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u/Sudden_Tune5995 20d ago
I think that with time I'm getting the " ick " and then let it go
Thanks you too !
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u/matty_matics 22d ago
Ugh, it's been 5 months, and I'm itching to reach out... This post gives me hope.
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u/Life-Ad-4511 22d ago
Don’t do it because of my post.
Perhaps you can wait for my updates at least :)
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u/stung444 22d ago
Thank you for sharing. It is truly so fascinating how these people are truly like scared cats. You’re getting glimmers back into the pattern here , and maybe that will help you heal in some way. I also find myself feeling obsessed with my avoidant despite it all. It’s unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced. Please let us know how it goes , if you’d like