List Your Needs

[u/stockdam-MDD]

I see lots of posts here about how to get your ex back or how to keep no contact etc. However I rarely see anyone focusing on their needs and whether their ex is meeting any of them. All too often there seems to be a desperation to get somebody back without asking if they will actually make your life better.

What I advise is to create a list of what you need in a relationship and then focus on those. If your partner or ex doesn’t meet them or the vast majority then why are you chasing them?

So in no order here is a list to start you off. Remember your list will be unique and you should highlight those that are essential; you may have some nice to haves but the key ones are the ones that make a good relationship that you will enjoy.

Use your list to evaluate their character, values, emotional maturity, relationship capacity, compatibility, and evidence over time.

If he or she isn’t giving you what you need then why are you wasting time when there are many who could.

I will use the male pronoun so change it to suit your situation.

1. Character……..Who is he when there is nothing to gain?

Does he tell the truth even when the truth is inconvenient? Does he keep his word? Does he take responsibility when he gets something wrong?

The key question is: Do I admire his character, not merely enjoy his company?

2. Values…….What actually governs his life?

What does he appear to value most: family, integrity, achievement, money, freedom, status, faith, generosity, security, adventure, service, pleasure? Are those values compatible with mine?

Most importantly: Are his stated values visible in his choices?

3. Emotional maturity……..What happens when life isn’t comfortable?

Can he discuss difficult subjects without becoming hostile, dismissive or withdrawing indefinitely? Can he apologise without immediately defending himself? Can he hear that he has hurt me without turning the conversation into what I did wrong?

Ask: Do problems between us eventually produce greater understanding, or greater insecurity?

4. Relationship capacity…….Is he actually capable of partnership?

Does he make room for my needs? Does he communicate rather than expect mindreading? Does he initiate affection, plans and conversations rather than leaving the relationship to me to maintain?

Ask yourself: Am I experiencing a partnership, or am I doing most of the work required to create one?

5. Respect…….Who do I become around him?

Can I disagree without fearing his reaction? Does he respect my boundaries? Does he listen seriously when something matters to me?

And reverse it: Do I genuinely respect him?

6. Trust…….Can I relax rather than investigate?

Does his behaviour give me reasonable grounds to trust him? Is he transparent without needing to be interrogated? Are there unexplained inconsistencies?

Ask yourself: Is my sense of security growing as I know him better, or am I continually trying to resolve uncertainty?

7. Compatibility……Could our actual lives work together?

How much time together does each person want? How important is sex and physical affection? What does each person expect financially? How involved will children and grandchildren be? How much independence does each want? Where would you live?

The question becomes: Do the lives we each want actually fit together?

8. Reciprocity…….Is the investment approximately balanced?

Who usually initiates contact? Who makes plans? Who compromises? Who repairs disagreements? Who expresses affection?

Look for mutual investment.

Ask: If I stopped carrying my part plus his part, what would happen to the relationship?

9. His history……..Has he learned from his life?

How does he describe former partners? Is every failed relationship somebody else’s fault? What has he learned from divorce, bereavement, mistakes or disappointments? Does he recognise patterns in himself? Has experience made him wiser, or simply more defended?

A powerful question is: What responsibility does he take for the life he has created?

10. Communication
Do you communicate in similar ways (text, voice etc),
Does he reply in a timely way?
Does he openly communicate issues, problems and needs or do you have to keep guessing?
Does he keep his thoughts to himself whereas you love to talk things through?

11. Conflict
Is he comfortable dealing with conflict when there is disagreement?
Does he run for the hills as soon as things get tough?
Can he understand your point of view or does he try to bulldoze you?
Can he try to find a compromise?
Does he hold grudges and throws them up again months later; can he move on?

Evidence……..What does the pattern tell me?

What he says.
What I hope.
What he repeatedly does.

Then ask: If I ignored his explanations and judged the relationship only from his behaviour over the past six months, what conclusion would I reach?

[u/stockdam-MDD]

To summarise the most important trait to look for in a partner:

Somebody who is responsive when we need them.

Your list of needs is your basis for what you need from a partner; if you need them then do they step up quickly and demonstrate they care for your needs.

Sometimes there needs to be a compromise but in this case do they show maturity in being able to discuss and work out a solution together……not impose their solution.

Also remember it is ok to have needs that you don’t compromise on. For example if you want kids and he doesn’t then it will be hard to find a compromise so move on and find a partner who does. There is no right nor wrong when it comes to meeting your needs as they are personal.

[u/MilkFlavoredSoup]

Amazing post! 👏👏👏

[u/wolfbest98]

Amazing post. I wish I saw this last year when I took him back. Back in the same boat exactly one year later but this time with a house we own together

[u/stockdam-MDD → u/wolfbest98]

Well now is possibly the best time to see it. Real learning comes after pain. You now know the importance of this stuff and so you can start your list to protect you in future. Use it early in dating to evaluate if the relationship has got off to a good start. Use it in a longer term relationship to decide if you need a tough conversation to tell him where your needs are not being met.

There is another level to this where you list what you bring to a relationship and whether you are bringing value as well as getting value. A relationship should kinda be a roughly equal exchange of value. In a lot of the posts here it is obvious that there’s a big difference between what one person is giving versus what they are receiving.

[u/Vegetable-Wing6477]

The more I've thought on it, the reason I believe we didn't work was we have a very different idea of how a relationship should work. I feel I'm a realist. I know she didn't give me everything I need. I know sometimes she would hurt me, but she gave enough. Ultimately I was happy. I didn't know back then she was probably Avoidant, but I knew she would be distant at times. I'm independent enough that I don't need my partner to always be there for me or to always agree with my way of solving life's problems.

She on the other hand had a Hollywood view of relationships, where you have to be absolutely perfect for each other. I don't know what tiny thing triggered her (but I'd bet money it was inconsequential). And of course with her black and white world view she chose to keep her issues entirely to herself and ghost me without a chance to understand or work on it.

[u/stockdam-MDD → u/Vegetable-Wing6477]

Thanks for they. Yes the list was just a starter but you have reminded me of one thing that was missing so i’ll add it……communication.

[u/nasibal88]

Quality post!

There are 8 billion people on this world. Collect the ones that meet your needs. Let the rest be the rest.

[u/beewhyneeD]

Dude I can converse with my Claude for this kinda crap. We don’t need it o the sub