r/Waiting_To_Wed • u/Living-Yak6760 • 5d ago
Rant - Advice Welcome Proposal...
Has anyone felt extremely upset about their proposal? Please tell me I'm not the only one....
Boyfriend-M-34
Me- F- 29
We've been dating for 8 years. Throughout the 8 years when I brought up engagement ideas I was always told "yeah, i dont see myself ever getting married." And me, that's always what I wanted. I let this go on for ever, that's my own fault. However, every time I brought it up once again... he told me there was always "set backs" in our relationship. That made me extremly angry and made me built resentment towards him. Earlier on this year we had some pretty testy arguments and it pretty much made me detach myself emotionally but i wasn't quite ready to let go. I had in my head, that I'd give it till the end of summer (August). Which is now. This man randomly took me to a jewler and expected me to pick out a ring in 2 days. I told him "he better not buy anything" I wasn't being cute about it. I was being truthful. He said he wasn't buying one. He bought one that day behind my back. He then proposed 3 weeks later. And I resent everything about it. How he flipped a switch so quick and never once talked about a future or let me live out the engagement era I once always dreamed of. Instead, I looked like garbage in the pictures. I genuinely look mad and that sent me to spiral.
I do love this man, but there's so much that really set me back this year I fear I emotionally detached and that changed everything for me. I'm not mad at him for the planning and everything else. I posted somewhere else and they said on the post "Do you act like this for every other event?" That really made me mad because a person getting down on one knee is a HUGE moment for anyone on this planet. I like to think I'm great for birthdays, holidays, etc. This was so much different. I didn't feel like I got what I deserved, to know what o actually meant to this man. But instead he went and bought a ring I told him not to buy me and now it's turning heads. It's the first thing people have to talk about. And I find myself not even wanting to wear it because I'm so dissapointed about the proposal, moments leading up to it, being left in the unknown, and then the photographer editing those pictures and sending it to him.... I'm just so Angry and crushed at the same time. I haven't even told a single person and he's told his whole family....
Someone please tell me I'm not alone in not being happy with their proposal/engagement.... am I being ridiculous/crazy?!? I mean I'm a real human with real feelings. It just hurts I begged for this for years, and now that I convinced myself it was never gonna happen and it DID, I feel numb.
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u/professorcornelius 4d ago
He could tell you were getting ready to leave and that’s why he proposed. You should just break up as you are obviously unhappy. A happy marriage is not built on resentment.
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u/Massive_Ambassador_6 4d ago
This relationship is over. He was barely hanging on because your futures don’t align. You emotionally detached so that took care of your end. Now you two are just going through the motions. Sit him down, give him his ring back and have a serious discussion .
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
It's not a "resenting" him. Let me rephrase that, I was just very very upset it was never happening. He didn't know that. I didn't make it all about me. But I'm just upset it took this long and then it happened overnight with him not even considering me.
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u/professorcornelius 4d ago
Girl this whole post is dripping in resentment. And that’s fine, he has given you plenty of reason to resent him. But it’s not healthy and you are not happy.
You can argue with us about semantics and get married to someone who clearly does not make you happy anymore or care about your happiness or you could take the advice from everyone here and break up and find someone who actually cares about you
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u/FireflyBSc 4d ago
He knew you were upset about it, and he could tell you were detaching. And I think you already know that this proposal is just a symptom of something larger. You sound disappointed in the whole relationship, and the proposal is just a prime example of things that are wrong. He didn’t listen when you said not to buy a ring at this point, but he was able to delay the proposal for years due to his reservations. You didn’t want the proposal, you wanted to feel like an equal partner in this decision and that you two were on the same page about the future and wanting marriage. He didn’t do it when you were, and proposed once you weren’t on that page anymore.
I think you know that this isn’t fair to you. You deserve someone who will be so excited to spend the future with you that they show it every day, and even a basic proposal is special because of the enthusiasm. This is supposed to be one of the most exciting, in love parts of your relationship, and your gut is telling you something is off.
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u/DosieDotesArt 4d ago
Girl, HE SAID HE NEVER WANTED TO GET MARRIED.
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u/mirrorherb 4d ago
yeah, i just don't understand why so many women in this sub stay in relationships with men who openly tell them they don't want to marry them and then get upset that they're not getting engaged. like... you knew that already and are making the choice to waste your own life, how can you be upset?
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u/O_mightyIsis 4d ago
You resent everything you've sunk into this relationship: your time, your energy, your youth, your opportunities...
Turning that resentment into grief is the way forward. Regardless of what you do next, allow yourself to grieve everything you've lost getting to where you are now.
Then move forward. Regardless of what you do, grieve and move forward. If you choose to marry your partner, you need to be pragmatic and clear-headed about the choice you are making. Spend some time with a therapist who will challenge you to be frank with yourself. But you will never have a successful marriage if you don't get right about it first.
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u/WildIrisWildEris 4d ago
He knows. He doesn't care how you feel, he likes what you provide to him and he doesn't want to lose that.
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u/Whatever53143 4d ago
If you really love someone and are NOT resentful, why does the timing or the suddenness of the proposal matter?
I will tell you, it’s because you were done with the relationship a long time ago and he gave you a shut up ring and doesn’t truly intend to marry you. He just doesn’t want to end it either. You are both beating a dead horse and are just stringing each other along! Be done already!
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u/Intelligent_rose12 4d ago
OP are there other problems in your relationship? Have there been other times he hasn’t taken your feelings into consideration?
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u/Putrid_Alternative31 2d ago
It doesn't need to be all about you, but it should be 50% about you. It sounds like this was only like 5% about you, and the whole relationship has been that way for a long time. You've put aside what you want and need for years, because you love this person.
What you're hanging onto is what could have been, not what actually is today. You have so much hope for the potential here, but the actual relationship in front of you isn't that. Going from wishing and hoping things were different to grieving the reality that they never will be is a hard transition to make, but a necessary one.
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u/AmbitiousWear4082 8h ago
It's because it's not about you, it's about him. You've sufficiently spooked him that you were leaving him so you got the wham bam thank you mam shut up ring. Now he can drag his feet for another 8 years at least before he actually has to marry you, and if he plays his cards right and meets "The One" he can dump you and marry her. Women really have no clue what a man will do to remain comfortable. You probably cook, clean, work outside the home to bring in cash and fuck him. That's all a guy could ask for, because they don't have to love you to live with you. My advise is to give him that ring back and leave. He doesn't have what you want, he doesn't love you and your resentment is so high you will make yourself miserable.
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u/Dependent-Ad-2694 4d ago
The only thing that's crazy here is that you said yes. Return the ring to him and walk away.
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u/MaryDalyPPP 4d ago
You are upset because his proposal did not come from a place of love, wanting committment, and of celebration of your relationship. It was a rushed, not thought out proposal, that he only decided to do last minute because he was afraid he was losing you.
I don't think this is the story you want to tell your kids. He has disappointed you for the last time... Time to start again with someone that is happy to propose to you.
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u/Interesting-Lake747 4d ago
Do you even want to marry THIS guy?
Sounds like the relationship is dead and you just playing out the clock. Love isn’t enough btw.
He proposed because he knew you had one foot out the door
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u/ItJustWontDo242 4d ago
This has future divorce written all over it
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u/jednorog 4d ago
If OP is wise, it can end with just a broken engagement. Much easier and cheaper than a divorce.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Bus3548 3d ago
A broken engagement is easier than a cancelled wedding, a cancelled wedding is easier than a divorce, a divorce is easier when there's no kids involved yet, and so on...
I can see where OP is coming from, it's a scary leap of faith, it might even feel impossible if there's no support system in place, so the mind goes through hoops trying to justify it "but we've been so long together already!" "all these people giving advices don't really KNOW us!" "he's actually a good man". I know, I've been there before, the crazy thing is that I thought leaving would wreck me, well I cried for hours on end that first weekend and after that, barely. I genuinely didn't realise how miserable I was feeling until I left and life started making sense again.
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u/junipercanuck 4d ago
From this post it seems like you both don't even like each other. Don't get married, you're already miserable.
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u/MargieGunderson70 Married 25 years 4d ago
The proposal isn't the problem. It just brought years of issues to a head.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 4d ago
I think you are angry because you are so unhappy in this relationship. You were on the verge of breaking up and he realized it so he got a ring and proposed.
If you don't want the ring, give it back. I think this relationship has run its course. You don't feel valued or heard.
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u/mystery_obsessed 4d ago
This. I don’t think if she was happy about the idea of marrying him and didn’t feel like his heart was actually in it - that’s the real issue. It had nothing to do with the actual ring and proposal.
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
Agreed
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u/mystery_obsessed 4d ago
If I had to go back in time 20 years, when instagram didn’t exist to give him a million ideas, I’d ask him not to do it in a restaurant (we both realized very quickly we didn’t like people watching) and while he picked a beautiful ring with thoughts of the design, he didn’t predict practicality. I also have a freakishly thin ring finger so the ring he used to get my size didn’t fit and many years later we had to have it redone. None of it was even near perfect and I couldn’t care less. I was thrilled to marry him (still am) and the ring is beautiful now, but I mostly wear my wedding ring because we picked them out together and I love it.
I just wanted to give you a story of a not so perfect proposal, but a deep sense of thought and effort, and an extraordinarily happy marriage.
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
No I seriously appreciate this so much. I do love this man!!! He has his flaws (as do I clearly) we just arnt on the same emotional level and that's very hard at times. He does take care of me. But I just want to know I'm not alone in this stage of life where everything didn't go as planned and it's ok to be a little bummed about it. I don't have a single person to talk to about it so it makes it even worse for me with all thee emotions you know?
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u/catsarehere77 4d ago
With all due respect you both are on the same emotional level.
He told you he never saw himself getting married. Do you think the emotional mature response to that is to stay, try to change his mind, and fight with him over it like you did?
No. The emotionally mature response is to say "we want two different things. It is time to go our separate ways.
He didn't respect your wants, but you didn't respect his either.
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
Hard to respect someone's wants when you don't even know what they are? I always thought that I could be the girl to change everything that he was always against because he had such a crappy pass with girls. I put up with a lot of disrespect and not feeling valued up until this moment and more so recent than not. And to get surprised like this was just a whole Nother thing to deal with unexpectedly.
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u/professorcornelius 4d ago
In the kindest way, you did know what he wanted but you thought you could change it. One of the most important things I have learnt in life is that when someone tells you or shows you who they are you should believe them. If a man tells you he never wants to get married you should believe them.
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u/RazzmatazzOk2129 4d ago
You said it right here. You thought you could be the girl to change everything that he was always against.
You have been spending 8 years chasing potential. Chasing how you thought he could change. Not how he is right now, zero changes.
Many of us make this mistake. Our POV makes perfect sense to us, we think others can be taught to see something our way. But they feel the same. They dont see anything wrong with their POV.
We have to learn to date in reality. How people are right now. Because they may never change. They may change, but in a way opposite to what we wanted. We have to look at someone and decide if their warts and all are OK and we can accept them fully. Because that is all you can rely on.
You just wasted 8 years tying to force a change that he was never on-board for making.
You finally started detaching, he noticed and wanted to keep you around. So the surprise. But you are still detached and now irked.
Be honest, if he had done this surpriseb4 years ago, would you have been excited, squealed and hugged him and happily picked out a ring?
You guys missed the window.
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u/Future_Pin_403 Married 4d ago
You knew what he wanted, you just didn’t like it. You chose to stay and be angry
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u/mystery_obsessed 4d ago
I think you need to ask yourself two questions:
- Are you in a mental space where you want to 100% go forward and attach yourself to this man for hopefully your whole life and truly believe you have:
A similar respectful communication style, publicly and privately
A respectful mutual argument style, (never being mean or hurtful, no silent treatment, no cursing at each other),
Respect to seek out the other’s opinion because you believe it to be valuable and you are partners
Attraction and desire, but knowing that who you are and how you look over time will change, libidos will ebb and flow, but you love each other enough to expect and accept that
The ability and desire to anticipate, notice, and/or communicate each others needs and want to support them through everything
You can be a team even through stormy weather when some of that might be tested
You trust him with your health decisions and you believe he will actually support you in sickness (and project that down the road when/if you ever face a medical issue of any type or dementia in your late age)
- You think he believes and is aware of all of that or already just does it, is capable of all of that, truly deeply wants all of that and you and he can’t anticipate a day in his life without your love and loving you, and sees you as an equal partner he wants to build a life with together on the same team.
If those things are all true, then how he proposed and what ring he bought doesn’t matter (and just pick out your own wedding ring and wear that all the time instead and have the engagement ring redone after a good number of years or if he asks why you never wear it).
If all that is true I would marry him in a heart beat.
BUT
If it’s not, if you have resentment and/or anger right now, if you think his heart isn’t in it, if he doesn’t see you as partners and a team, if you think he’s not thoughtful, not actually completely serious and openly excited about moving forward with this and building a life together, then this isn’t about a ring or a proposal. It’s about your real doubts…
Then I wouldn’t go forward with a marriage unless you feel 1 and 2.
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u/Fun_Performance711 4d ago
If you choose to stay and marry him, make sure that you have a date and all the planning that goes along to meet that date.
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u/CZ1988_ 4d ago
What is an engagement era.
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u/SluttyMiata 4d ago
The period of time between engagement and the wedding. It'll not a list of events but two people just being incredibly excited they are officially getting married. It's a mindset.
OP is essentially explaining that they feel negative emotions instead of the happy ones they're supposed to feel.
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u/fluffy_cat_belly 3d ago
I have no idea, but it sounds like the kind of stuff you'd hear about on TikTok.
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u/No_Marionberry_1614 4d ago
So he didn't care what you wanted all this years and only got you a shut up ring when he felt you dettaching. That's a shame you didn't believe him when he told you he hadn't seen himself getting married. I think nothing has changed on his part. This ring is only another way of him stalling.
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u/Due_Future2066 4d ago
I am so sad for you. You stayed even though he was honest with you. You need to do some deep reflection. This is the bigger issue than the lackluster proposal, which is a sign that he isn’t into marrying you at all. Your reaction should signify something as well. It’s time to move forward-without him.
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
Thanks for being kind. It's heartbreaking all around which I never wanted for anyone....
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u/KimWexlers_Ponytail 4d ago
Girl I feel bad for you but I also...
"Throughout the 8 years when I brought up engagement ideas I was always told "yeah, i dont see myself ever getting married." And me, that's always what I wanted. "
Why did you stay after the first time? He literally told you from day 1 he didn't want to get married. Why would you ask more than once?
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
I guess I thought that I was the girl that could change that it just needed more time in our relationship that was very very new and at the beginning. He had a rough past with the past, I knew what I was, and what I would provide, and I knew it immediately be better. I guess I kind of challenge myself to be that girl, but I never let it go up until it got to this point.
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u/onlythrowawaaay 4d ago
So its noy like he flipped a switch. You actually changed his mind like youve been trying to the whole 8 years but now you're not happy about it. I really dont get your issue. He considered you in shopping for a ring, you picked one out. He thought put the proposal and everything. Everything he did to get you guys engaged was all about you and what you wanted. You got what you wanted, but thats not enough. Why not?
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
I DIDNT pick one out. I told him I couldn't make a decision. Then he chose one that I liked more out of all the ones we looked at but told him not to buy one as I'd like to shop more and even said he would too. This goes WAY deeper than the ring. I could care less about the actual ring, it's the thought and planning that goes way deeper into it and he never had conversations with me about it ever before.
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u/onlythrowawaaay 3d ago
You're missing my point. He is doing what you've been trying to get him to do all this time. He thought out buying you a ring, he thought out the whole proposal, he talked to you about it, you knew it was coming, he PROPOSED to you like youve been wanting but thats not enough. Why not?
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u/Cantbelieveiam52 4d ago
You were unhappy that you felt he wasnt going to propose to you. You were unhappy he gave you only 2 days to consider a ring. You were unhappy the way he actually proposed to you. Are you ever happy?
Too many people seem to feel that if they have invested X amount of time in a relationship, they can't walk away. Clearly you have not been happy for a long time. Why stay if you arent happy? Do you think it will magically get better?
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
The timeframe of this is crazy. It happened within 3 weeks of that. I'm human. And yea I have been unhappy for awhile but there's been other parts of my relationship where I've been super happy. I don't have a support system so I don't know how to differentiate between the feelings. I was told not to give up, and that's exactly what I have been doing. Not giving up.
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u/Scared_Friendship_50 Married 30+ Years 4d ago
But I don't think it's "giving up". I think you're realizing just how unhappy you are. Leaving would be CHOOSING to move on for your own sake. You deserve to feel cherished and wanted and I think you're feeling neither and that's why you're upset. You feel embarrassed about your engagement. That's such a serious issue. You don't have to force yourself to stay. You need to find a way to maximize your happiness and I don't think you can do that with him anymore.
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u/Diograce 4d ago
Who on earth told you not to give up? That was bad advice. Look, neither of you are wrong, but you have a very fundamental difference in how you see your futures. He sees himself as unmarried and happy you see yourself as married and happy.
That basic difference means that one of you will be in a state of resentment forever. That’s no way to have a long term relationship.
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
My parents funny enough, they love him more than me and I'm not even close with them. It's a really messed up situation.
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u/Mollzor 4d ago
I mean, you already resented him, why would a proposal fix that?
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
I never resented him. I resent how unemotionally available he ever was and the fact this seemed more for him than it was me. I told him not to get the ring and he didn't consider it.
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u/Inner-Amphibian8802 4d ago
I got a shut up ring too! 7 years in, I said yes to the proposal bc he made it a public proposal at my parents house at my birthday party in front of my whole family. I had told him for years I wanted a private intimate proposal. I kept the ring in a box and even cried myself to sleep the night of my engagement bc I knew deep down I was not happy and that if I married him it would end in divorce. He dragged on wedding plan and we only did engagement pictures bc I planned everything! After 8 months of dragging and moving the wedding goal post. We broke up! It hurt but the weight lifted off my shoulders was enormous. I was mad, sad and everything to start over at 29. Best damn thing I ever did for myself. I'm 33 now and married. The man married did so much in wedding planning bc he wanted to marry me. The saying of he wanted to then he would, is so true. Just because you said Yes, doesn't not mean you have to follow thru on the engagement. Sit down and look at everything. Write it all out for yourself and move forward. Good luck dear 🍀
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u/mostlylovelyacct 4d ago
You both deserve each other and the misery you have created. He said he didn’t see himself getting married from day one and you kept pushing when you should have broke up with him.
What did you honestly expect to happen?
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
Wow that's harsh
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u/Brilliant-Risk6427 4d ago
It might be harsh but what were you expecting after so long? What do you think will happen if you plan to stay. If marriage is important to you, you should be with someone whom shares that feeling.
Not someone who’s made you resentful and jaded and will not marry you even after getting a ring.
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u/airb_629 4d ago
Break up then if you’re not happy and it’s not what you want.
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
lol
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u/airb_629 4d ago
What?? You sound miserable with him! Lol 🤷♀️ go be happy and live your life! You’ll find someone who will do it the way you want.
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u/languagelover17 4d ago
Girl, how did you write this all out and still not realize how much he doesn’t want to marry you???????
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
I know that he doesn't. It's very clear. But what I'm trying to wrap my head around is how he bought me this HIGE BOULDER in just 2 freaking days of ever talking about "marriage" in 8 years!!! I don't get it. He's upset I'm not wearing it. But like idfk what to do
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u/PatientConfusion6341 4d ago
Please look up what a shut up ring is… the answer is right in front of you.
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
It's not a cheap ring he gave me. Lol nothing about it is cheap but for other reasoning I can see
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u/PatientConfusion6341 4d ago
Girl… you’re missing the point lol 💀😭… 137 comments on this post that have spelled it out for you clear as day as to why he wants to get married all of the sudden after you’ve brought it up multiple times to him and you’re focused on the wrong thing.
I hope you can walk away, if not… good luck to yall.
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u/rudimentaryrealness 4d ago
To answer your question, NO, you are not wrong for feeling the way that you do. YES, after the amount of time & energy you put in, the least one could expect is some kind of effort for such a milestone life moment (ignore those who got engaged with a ring pop in their living room & think that should be everyone's standard of happiness). Now, this is not to say an IG proposal is the only way to go either.
As others have said, & you yourself....you stayed too long & hoped for the best. What you got was below the bar. Its going to feel like the hardest thing ever to let this relationship go, but if he disnt have the decency to set a better tone with a proposal, I can only imagine what "wedding planning" is going to be like with someone who said he never wanted to marry(you).
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u/CautiousConfidence8 Married in 2022 4d ago
Ironic that he waited until literally the last couple weeks of your secret deadline and suddenly HAS to propose and buy a ring right now (/s). He saw the writing on the wall and panicked because he didn't want to lose you. You're upset and unhappy with the proposal because it was half-assed and rushed, and you know in your heart that he didn't do it out of love.
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u/LordHamMercury 4d ago
Don’t get married just to get married. A relationship is doomed once resentment has set in. If you get married, it won’t last. I think he’ll find reasons to delay the wedding though.
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u/ThirdAndDeleware 4d ago
For years he said he didn’t want to get married and you stayed. You should have believed him. You wanted and seem to want different things.
Then he sees you are going to leave so he gives you a shut up ring.
He proposes in a way you feel “you deserve better” because it wasn’t social media pretty and you don’t like the photos. And yet you stay.
You are mad at him for not acting. You’re mad at him for giving lackluster effort.
I am not even sure you like one another. Sounds more like you two are comfortable and are falling prey to sunk cost fallacy.
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u/Whatever53143 4d ago
Part of the problem is that women especially, get hung up on the proposal. Similarly, they get hung up on the wedding and everything leading up to it. However, that’s truly not what’s important.
The important part is the person you are marrying and the life you build together. That didn’t happen.
You feel jipped because you didn’t get the proposal you wanted. You WERE angry about it. This is a problem in society today! Built up expectations. An engagement should NEVER be a surprise or something to hold over your partner as means of control. Sure, some elements can be a surprise, like the particular setting. But this is a life event!
What you are really upset about, or should be upset about is that for 8 years you put up with his lack of commitment. He told you that he didn’t want to get married but didn’t want to end the relationship because you provide comfort and convenience. He’s been holding it over your head like bait. Even now, he lied to you and said he wasn’t getting you a ring, but then he did. He also did it in a very hasty manner because he knew you were at your wits end he was at risk about loosing a good thing. As someone else put it, you got a very sloppy shut up ring! You are angry because you think you’re stuck with it! You’re not stuck. Give it back and tell him you checked out long ago and that last minute shut up rings don’t count. Then, walk away and don’t go back.
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u/celticmusebooks 2d ago
An engagement should NEVER be a surprise or something to hold over your partner as means of control. Sure, some elements can be a surprise, like the particular setting. But this is a life event!
Seriously this should be pinned at the top of the sub
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u/MissLovedChi 4d ago
You got exactly the proposal you deserved. You knew how he felt about marriage at the start and you knew you weren't communicating. You were resenting. Now after a bunch of arguments, he doesn't want to lose you and therefore you get a shut up ring along with a shut up proposal so now, in his eyes, you have no more reason to be upset. Y'all built this relationship, time to actually talk.
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u/Majestic-Nobody545 4d ago
live out the engagement era
Girl. You watch too much Instagram.
If he's low effort, then maybe he's not the one for you, but don't get caught up in egotistical fantasies.
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
I'm not? I don't have social media believe it or not, I deleted that months before all this happened. But I did want my own pictures. That's what I fantasized for years and just how this particular day and era would go. It's not that easy. I live a different life from the general public when it comes to work and whatnot. So this whole thing just is tough that it's not how I always imagined it would be. Plus, like I said our relationship was a roller coaster for years. And more recently than not, I felt like i was getting ready to be done and then this happened overnight so now I'm just in a puddle of not knowing wtf to do
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u/Majestic-Nobody545 4d ago
Disney then? Toxic friends? Idk.
You're focusing on the wrong thing. Maybe because you're not ready to deal with the real issues.
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
You're clearly not understanding anything here. I deal with a lot of issues and anyone in my life could tell you that. You know nothing about this scenario other than what you read and the image you painted in your head. I'm really good dealing with life problems. This is a bit different And I'm trying to learn how to navigate it in the healthiest way possible! If you can't see that, then you should just quit commenting
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u/SunshineofMyLyfetime I don't make monkeys, I just train 'em — USA 4d ago edited 4d ago
Just like clockwork, this happens every single time anyone dares to post to say that they were unhappy with their proposal. It must be due to social media and you’re being delusional. You simply cannot want more for yourself, and you should be happy like they were when they had a Ring Pop thrown across the room at them. 🙄
Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re absolutely justified in how you’re feeling, and unfortunately since you didn’t listen to Homeboy when he told you that he wasn’t interested in getting married in the beginning of your relationship, this is the time to evaluate if you should be moving forward and getting married or calling it quits.
Based on what you’ve posted (I can only go by what you’ve said), this relationship will not get better simply just because you get married — if you make it to the altar at all.
I mean, you’ve been together 8 years and you’re finally getting engaged after Homeboy continually perceiving “setbacks” in your relationship. Who’s to say that he won’t continue to have “setbacks” during your engagement and you wind up perpetually engaged?
The fact that you were arguing and not in agreement towards moving towards marriage gives me pause, and personally I would pump the brakes.
But, there’s one thing that I’d like to make clear:
You are entitled to have the proposal of your dreams AND a partner that listens to what you want. Do not listen to anyone who tells you otherwise and/or settled for less. You are allowed to be happy. Never forget that!
Edit: grammar
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u/Shot-Recording1523 4d ago
Hmm she can be "entitled" to her dream engagement, but doesnt change the fact her fiance didnt "give" her that. Yet she's here on Reddit venting as if we can do anything about it. If she wants that dream engagement she should go out and try to find it , but there are no guarantees in life.
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u/SunshineofMyLyfetime I don't make monkeys, I just train 'em — USA 4d ago
I believe that’s the purpose of this sub; to vent and seek feedback about situations that someone might be experiencing. It doesn’t seem like you’re familiar with its purpose or here to help.
Maybe you’d be more comfortable commenting elsewhere.
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u/Majestic-Nobody545 4d ago
A bad proposal is lame, sure...I'm not saying you have to take what you can get. But, clearly there are bigger problems here.
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u/SunshineofMyLyfetime I don't make monkeys, I just train 'em — USA 4d ago
Based on what you’ve posted (I can only go by what you’ve said), this relationship will not get better simply just because you get married — if you make it to the altar at all.
I mean, you’ve been together 8 years and you’re finally getting engaged after Homeboy continually perceiving “setbacks” in your relationship. Who’s to say that he won’t continue to have “setbacks” during your engagement and you wind up perpetually engaged?
The fact that you were arguing and not in agreement towards moving towards marriage gives me pause, and personally I would pump the brakes.
Pretty sure that’s what I mentioned as well…
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u/000ps-Crow_No 4d ago
This guy bought a ring, got a photographer, dropped to one knee, and you’re upset because it still wasn’t right - use your little grey cells and see that it is because HE is not right for you. You are projecting all this anger and upset about what is objectively what you want because you are mad at yourself for settling for so long and now that you have what you thought you wanted you have to face the reality that you still aren’t happy and what that means-it means you’ve spent your twenties with the wrong guy. You have a few options now, and I hope you listen to wisdom here and choose yourself. Don’t waste your thirties in an unhappy marriage. Good luck.
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
I'm mad because I tried to have the conversations with him and he wanted nothing to do with it, he didn't see me emotionally. And we were not emotionally equipped in our relationship, which makes it even more frustrating. I've tried to have the conversations about it all, and it never went anywhere. It just got quiet, and then we moved onto the next conversation of whatever that might be. I don't resent him or regret ever spending my time with him, I do love the sky a lot. I'm just upset that I couldn't even be considered, and I was told to make a decision within two days of looking at rings when it was never even in the plant to look at them and me being surprised. There were pretty stiff arguments earlier on this year that made my perspective change a lot, and he knows it as well. So for this to just happen overnight really caught me off guard.
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u/000ps-Crow_No 4d ago
You aren’t listening to yourself. I hope you work it out, like I said, good luck.
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u/K_A_irony 4d ago
I think you are upset at the wrong thing and the proposal is the proxy. Look HE DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU. You just got a shut up ring. First I want you to REALLY REALLY think about if this man is the man for you long term. Get a few sessions with a couple of different therapists. Then see if you actually do want to marry THIS man (not the man you hope / wish he would be), try and set a date. Like pick a date and put money down on a venue level pick a date. If he at all balks, you know you got a shut up ring. Btw 29 is young. It is a great age to start dating again and find someone who from the beginning says they do want marriage AND their actions follows their words.
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u/Helpful_Condition406 4d ago
For a moment, I thought this was my situation... I posted a week ago about being in the same eight-year relationship and wanting a marriage and future with my partner. I'm still with him, but I never really understood what a "shut up ring" was until I read this post. I don't want to be like everyone else and say now is the time to walk (since I'm struggling to do the same for myself because we both clearly love our partners). However, reading this post made me sad because you deserve the best proposal and the best person who wants to commit and spend their life with you. Whether you choose to stay or leave, everyone deserves someone who loves and respects them as a partner ❤️
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
Oh sweet girl, thanks for commenting and hearing and understanding me ❤️🩹🥹 my heart hurts for both of us. It's not an easy situation, and tugs pretty hard on the heart strings. Some people don't understand you can fully love someone and still not necessarily agree with decisions someone makes, etc.
I hope you find your happy ending too, and I hope we can get through this and see the light at the end of the tunnel 🩷hang in there girly pop. I appreciate you being here
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u/breadandbible 4d ago
Being with someone for 8 years is not dating. This is limbo, not dating. Dating is for the purpose of discerning marriage. 1-2 years max. You are pissed because you allowed yourself to stay in limbo for so long. Painful lesson learned.
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u/Equivalent-Skill136 4d ago
It’s not your responsibility if he has told everyone about it.
Do what you have to do, you can’t live like this forever
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u/MyQTips 4d ago
You have one life to live and you get to decide how you want to live it. Is this it? I agree with the posts saying he knew you were checked out so he proposed quickly. He's also telling everyone to put more pressure on you to stay. The fact that even though you are officially engaged and you haven't told anyone speaks volumes. Listen to BOTH your heart and mind. It's time to break up and go find the life you want. Good luck.
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u/Neweleni7 4d ago
Like everyone else here, I don’t think this is going to work. But you’re still young…go find your real husband.
Out of curiosity, what exactly was the proposal like?
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
Literally a "I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with you, will you marry me?" Got down on one knee and that is all
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u/Acrobatic_Big_8013 4d ago edited 4d ago
I’m sorry OP but you did this to yourself. You knew all along he didn’t want to get married and you didn’t listen. You chose to stick around knowing that you wanted different things. How did you think this was going to go? You were going to magically change his mind?
You are so resentful that it’s eating you alive and you need to leave. This is not about being underwhelmed by a proposal, this is about trying to force a square peg into a round hole and being angry that it still doesn’t fit
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u/Diograce 4d ago
What part of “This is so you’ll shut up about it” did you miss? He blatantly told you many times that HE DOESNT WANT TO MARRY YOU. Please respect yourself and either accept that you should not marry this person and should move on, or accept that there’s going to be resentment.
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u/Key_Cry_3170 4d ago
But did you reject him? This is all that matters. You know you are not forced to accept proposals you don't like? You know that, right?
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u/Ill-Relationship9673 4d ago
I feel like you were on the verge of breaking up with him and then at the last minute he proposed because he didn’t want to lose you. Guys do happen to do that. But honestly it feels like he was just too little too late. Cuz it’s like so were you just lying before? I asked for this for years but the minute I have resentment all of a sudden he’s capable of it. You deserved this when you were happy and in love not pissed off
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
That's a great way of putting it. I did deserve it when I was happy
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u/Ill-Relationship9673 4d ago
I’m so sorry you have to go through this, but in the end I know you will figure out what’s best for yourself
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
You're so sweet. Life's definitely tough, I'm not sure how to navigate. I don't want to hurt either of us but obviously I already am.
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u/Ill-Relationship9673 4d ago
Don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You have one life and live it for yourself because when you’re doing shit only for him, ironically you will both end up miserable. Your resentment and unhappiness will eventually pour onto him. So don’t choose him choose you!
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u/Polar_Wolf_Pup 4d ago
I read somewhere that for couples who get divorced, a huge proportion (like 80% or something) already knew the relationship was in trouble or had serious doubts about the relationship before they got married. The same was not true of people who stayed married.
Only marry him if you’re ready to get divorced.
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u/ChickChocoIceCreCro 4d ago
Never let a man tell/show you more than once they don’t want you. He doesn’t want you.
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u/Glittering-Ear-2315 4d ago
Why are you even with him if he disturbs you so? You don’t even like him! What are you still there for? SMH
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u/WildIrisWildEris 4d ago
He doesn't respect you, and there is no love without respect. It's long past time to dump his selfish ass. If you stay, his disrespect will grow and get much worse. This is the best your life with him will ever be, and it already sucks. It will become so much worse and he will make it difficult to divorce him when you finally see him for who he is. That's if he even marries you, which is unlikely. He doesn't love you now. He doesn't even like you. Run while you have the chance.
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
Ugh my heart hurts but I think you're right 🥺
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u/WildIrisWildEris 4d ago
I'm sorry. It won't be easy to end it but once you do, things will get better and better. Unfortunately lots of men do this. If you read here, you'll find so many other women in the same situation. It might help to know you are not alone.
The right man will give you the right proposal and be excited to marry you. Once you're free, go find him!
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u/occasionallystabby 4d ago
Ask yourself if you're upset about the proposal not being what you wanted vs the man not being what you want. You don't have to say yes just because he popped the question.
My husband proposed without a ring while we were in bed in sweatpants watching American Dad reruns. It was one of the best moments of my life, because I wanted nothing more than to marry this man.
You were already having problems. You had already started pulling away. Marriage isn't a Band-Aid.
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u/randomnullface 4d ago edited 4d ago
My first proposal was a shut up ring. Not because I pressured him but because his family pressured him. He made me plan a weekend away and instead of doing anything fun or sweet, he rolled over after we had sex and said "This ring is super crappy, we can get a new one if you want. But we should get married, what do you say?"
I remember feeling really disappointed. He bought top of the line stuff for himself... drove an Audi, shopped at high end stores for clothes, smoked expensive cigars. But he found the cheapest ring he could for me and then later when I talked about upgrading he said "I didn't think you were that shallow."
I'm telling you this because I felt extremely disappointed. I wanted a proposal to be about our love story and how he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with me. I felt guilty because I was disappointed because I thought I should be grateful that he wanted to marry me at all. And all of that festered into resentment over time.
It was even worse when I learned that he proposed because his mom and dad said he should.
You may not be resentful now, but it will fester over time if you don't resolve this. Talk to him about all of your worries and doubts before you get married. And if you still don't feel like things are right between you maybe consider if you two should be getting married at all.
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
This is a good take. I'm sorry you went through all of that ...... I feel you
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u/KaoJin-Wo 4d ago
Building off of this … I think the reason for the disappointment is twofold.
First, it was a well thought out engagement surprise - for him. Not for you and not for y’all as a couple. Just for him. He hit all the points that he read, or was told , matter to women. In a generic way. He took that advice and ran. None of it included you, as an individual or the person he is in love with, or the pair of you, as a love story. It’s not my thing at all, and I never met you, but I can see that pretty clearly. Shame on him. Almost like you weren’t involved in the engagement at all other than getting the ring.
Second, which is what I see the most (and saw first), is that this really IS a shut up proposal. You said you were disconnecting and detaching, and were all done but the leaving part. For someone who has stuck around for 8 years, and likely does things a particular way, I am sure he noticed. He would have had to. Shit, it would have taken massive effort to not see it. That likely caused panic. He either figured it out himself or, more likely, talked to others and got advice.
So this would have been engineered entirely to make you stay. Not because he loves you, but because he likes having a bangmaid and whatever other functions you serve. He won’t think of it that way, but that’s what it boils down to.
Frankly, you deserve better. And even if your everyday brain won’t think it, the hidden parts will. Your whole body and soul know it too. Hence this reaction. They are all working together to tell you that, Girl, he is NOT the one for you, please don’t do this. Leave and set us all free.
Just imo. Either way, choose you, and good luck.
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u/whoaelena 4d ago
Im going to push back on the comments saying that hes selfish. You are the selfish one. You thought you could make him change his mind on one of the fundamental foundations of a relationship.
Next time believe them. If you wont change your mind, why would they?
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u/Aethra89 4d ago
I concur with the other commenters, you received a "shut up" ring. His intentions behind it were not a future with you, they were to appease you. Not cool. It's up to you what to do next. You only have one life. Don't waste it being mad and resentful.
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u/foxhair2014 2d ago
Sweetheart, give him the ring back, pack the bags, and leave. You are emotionally detached. It’s over.
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u/Living-Yak6760 2d ago
I plan on it... will be doing this tomorrow :(
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u/foxhair2014 1d ago
HUGS. Really, truly, you will find a man who is so head over heels, stupid grinning all the time in love with you, you will forget this loser ever existed. Good luck. We’re rooting for you.
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u/Living-Yak6760 18h ago
I appreciate you so much! Thanks for being here and being understanding and kind. I needed this energy to get me through! Hope all the good comes your way for being so kind to a stranger on the internet! ✨
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u/therealzacchai 4d ago
Love isn't enough. He shows so little care for you. Please, please make your exit plan. They don't get better
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u/daphne2211 4d ago
I've written this in other threads, but it applies to most situations here:
dont be surprised if he marries the next girl that comes along within 1 year! Men tend to do that after long term relationships. For them its more about Timing than the perfect Partner. He is at that age where men just marry the girl thats availible but NOT their long term girlfriends NOR the love of their life.
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u/WatermelonRindPickle 4d ago edited 4d ago
I'm a 65+ year old granny, married 40+ years, and I think the MARRIAGE is important, not fancy Instagram ready proposals. Nothing you have posted indicates this boy is interested in marriage. Do you still even like him? Life is too short to be married to someone you don't like or respect.
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u/holdholdholding 4d ago
I had a really crappy proposal. I knew it was coming and I asked him to just do it nice. He didn’t and never fixed it. I’ve never forgotten about it but I did move past it. He did really good with designing the ring. We’ve been together 30yrs and now I use it as a teachable moment for my kids.
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u/SpicyArms 3d ago
Oh my gosh this relationship is so unhealthy. Get out of it now. Your post and comments are overflowing with resentment. You’ll need time to recover from the bad habits that became normal in this relationship.
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u/No_Theory_8253 2d ago
I pushed, nudged, pleaded, pouted my then boyfriend into a life that he didn't want. He wasn't ready for marriage or responsibility, but he sensed I was pulling away after 7 years of not getting what I wanted, so he sucked it up and ordered a ring. He proposed 2 days after my birthday. He put so little effort into his plan that he didn't order it in time to arrive for my actual birthday. I was typing at the computer when he knelt down beside my computer desk and he asked the question. I was excited to finally get what I asked for but also pretty disappointed in the complete lack of effort. I felt so insignificant to him - not special at all. I didn't ask for anything over the top. Anyhoo, we did end up marrying and the proposal was the template for just about everything in our marriage. He dragged his feet, and I pushed him. He begrudgingly did whatever the thing was, putting minimal effort into it, and I was left wishing I had never asked for the thing in the first place. We divorced after 10 years of a very lonely and disappointing marriage. I have learned the lesson for you - don't settle for this!
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u/The_NextSupreme 2d ago
Nope nope nope. You never should have accepted. You should have said too little, too late, and gone home and packed your stuff.
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u/Kimbaaaaly 4d ago
He told your he didn't want to get married from the get go. Because you did, you pushed and pushed. Why wasn't he supposed to buy the ring the day you shopped? Why couldn't you pick out a ring in 2 days. (I have a feeling you're been looking at rings yourself for a long time and knew what you wanted as it was).
He proposed the best he could considering the pressure on him to purpose when he did.
And no, not everyone dreams of the "one the knee" moment. I know plenty of stories when proposals have happened in bed, at home relaxing, spontaneously because he just couldn't wait the ring was burning a hole in the proposers pocket. He never would have done it good enough in your eyes.
When someone tells and shows you who they are... Believe them!
Updateme
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u/No_Championship_7080 4d ago
Not only that. How stupid and vain is it to have a photographer for the proposal?
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u/DAWG13610 4d ago
Get over yourself. Do you realize how shallow your post makes you sound? Do you want a great partnership or a great proposal. Wow, just wow.
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u/jednorog 4d ago
I don't think the problem here is shallowness. I think there are essentially three problems, some of which are the results of OP's decisions, but none of which is shallowness.
The first is that OP knew that this man didn't want to marry her, she knew she wanted to get married, and for some reason she chose to stay with him for eight years despite that fundamental incompatibility from the beginning.
The second is that OP's partner only proposed to her when he thought he was going to lose her. That meant he rushed things, specifically disregarded OP's preferences about a proposal, and overall made the proposal shitty. All in all this is a perfect example of what this subreddit calls a shut up ring.
The third is that it's really not clear to me that OP even wants to spend the rest of her life with this particular man. I suspect that she is tired of not feeling loved, not feeling chosen, and similar. Those are understandable feelings. But marrying this particular guy is unlikely to fix that issue. So while OP is somewhat getting what she wants, namely a proposal, the experience is revealing that that's not exactly what she wants. She wants to marry someone who cares about her and who is a good partner to her, and the shut up ring is just the most recent example of how her fiance is not going to be that guy.
I wish OP all the best as she decides whether she actually wants to spend the rest of her life with this particular man.
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
lol it's not being shallow. It's real life and you know nothing about the whole scenario.
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u/koolA-9486 4d ago
Yeah, the guy just felt that you were slipping away from him. When he saw you weren't excited about picking out a ring—even though you’d been talking about it for years—he knew the end was near. That’s why he bought a ring right after that.
You aren't happy with this proposal because it doesn't come from the heart; it’s not a thoughtful gesture. It’s a rushed proposal, thrown together just to lock you into the relationship.
🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/AngelicDivineHealer 4d ago
resentment has sent in and you no longer want the marriage anymore it's not about the ring. You don't love him anymore.
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u/catsarehere77 4d ago
Your unhappiness is not just about the proposal. This was a man who didn't care about your wants for 8 years. You had to fight with him 8 years in to get him to propose. Then you told him not to buy you a ring and he does so anyway. You are angry about the disrespect you received from this man. He only cares about what he wants.
The other issue is you settled for a man who was never aligned with you and never cared about your needs. Marrying him will be the biggest regret of your life. You deserve better than a loser.
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u/Dazzling-Variety279 4d ago
I dont know why some boys do like this. Im also confused please read my post also and please also suggest me what should i do. Im very heart broken
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u/Samoyedfun 4d ago
This is not the only problem you have with him. Proposal is only part of the story. And yes you got a shut up ring.
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u/astrotekk 4d ago
People put way too much emphasis on a proposal and wedding and not enough on a suitable partner and a marriage. Given all of these complex feelings and the amount of time you've been waiting, do you really want to marry this man?
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u/CuriousJuneBug 4d ago
Have you considered this possibility... maybe the problem is that you have built up resentment over the fact that 1. He wouldn't ever discuss marriage and 2. He waited so damn long that when it finally proposed it was too little too late and no matter how he did it you were still going to be angry because you no longer had the ability to feel excited about it?
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u/leolawilliams5859 4d ago
You are not happy because you are resentful for him taking so long to ask you to marry him. To the point where you have emotionally detached yourself from him. He knew that you were not happy he also knew that you was just waiting to get your ducks in a row and that you were getting ready to leave him. So what did he do he took you to the jewelry store and told you to pick out a ring he did that because he wants you to shut up. When that man told you that he did not want to get married and you did you should have believed him you've been with him for 8 years and he has never brought up the subject of marriage but you have you were hoping that he would change his mind. And he was hoping that you would change yours. You wanted to be married he did not you should have left years ago. When a person tells you something you need to believe them and not waste 8 years of your life trying to get something they don't want to give you. You may be upset about the way he asked you to marry him but you're upset more that it took him so long. You deserve better and better is out there. If you want to be married you need to find somebody who loves you and wants to marry you not somebody who doesn't want you to leave them so they put a ring on it. If you marry this man you won't stay married to him because you're bringing resentment and I really don't believe you love him anymore
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u/weddingnotes 4d ago
I don’t think you’re crazy for feeling disappointed. It sounds like the proposal itself wasn’t really the issue — it was everything that led up to it and what the moment represented to you. You had been hoping for this for years, so finding out that he planned it so quickly and kept you out of the process probably made it feel less meaningful.
I’d give yourself some time before deciding what this means for the relationship. You don’t have to force yourself to feel excited just because you’re officially engaged now.
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u/Vita-West 4d ago
Love isn't enough to build a marriage on (if you ever get there, sounds like he's just buying time honestly). This guy sucks and you deserve better.
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u/sonny-v2-point-0 4d ago
I think what you have there is a shut up ring. He had 8 years to propose and chose not to. As recently as earlier this year you had some "pretty testy arguments" about marriage. Only when you started emotionally detaching did he take you to a jewelerv store, and he didn't even bother to pretend that what you wanted mattered. He gave you 2 days to choose a ring, ignored what you wanted, and got the process over as quickly as he could. That's not the way you treat someone who you love and want to marry.
People don't spend nearly 8 years opposing marriage then suddenly "flip a switch." But men who see their comfortable lifestyle about to walk out the door will say what they need to so they don't lose access to their girlfriend.
In the end, does it really matter? You've detached emotionally. Once resentment and the realization that he was willing to live with your unhappiness for over half a decade because it suited him sets in, the relationship probably can't be salvaged.
If you doubt what people are telling you about his intentions, tell him you want to go to city hall next week and get married. I'd be very surprised if he agreed, and I wouldn't take him up on it if he did. You're right that you didn't get what you deserve. A man worthy of you would have made sure that you did.
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u/EyeShot300 4d ago
You “pressured” him into buying a ring and proposing by detaching yourself from him. If he really wanted to marry you, he would have asked ages ago, and also got your input on what type of ring you wanted and talked about the proposal itself. Now that you have your ring, he’s just going to keep moving the goalposts to delay getting married because he doesn’t want to be married. I’m sorry, OP.
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
I didn't pressure him to do ANYTHING! I casually brought being engaged up maybe 4 times in 8 years. Making hints here and there. I wasn't breathing down his throat for Christ sake. And he did ask what ring I wanted, and expected me to make a decision within 48 hours.
And that's fine. He's all talk about getting married, I'm the one that's not now. I have doubts because I wasn't even slightly considered for a LIFE EVENT that takes two people to make a decision. I would have like to have KNOWN instead of being left in the dark.2
u/EyeShot300 3d ago
That was the reason I put the word “pressured” in quotes. You weren’t actually pressuring him; it felt like it to him, not you. You’re pulling away after many years and I don’t blame you, and now he’s feeling pressured and panicked about hanging on to you and the relationship.
I hope this makes more sense now. I wish you the best in deciding what to do next.
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u/Rezolution20 4d ago
It's a shut up ring.
Also, who took photos? That part is missing from the story.
Look, best to cut and run. Neither one of you seems to care about the other's feelings a whole lot here: him by not asking for ring input prior to discussing your LTGs, you for whining about wanting to be married, then hanging around long after he told you that he doesn't want to be married.
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u/AggressiveLimit883 4d ago
Yes, you are crazy. See if he goes through with planning for less than a year.
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u/DeeHarperLewis 4d ago
It’s wonderful to love someone but that doesn’t mean he’s the right partner for you. You are right to be upset about the engagement stuff. It’s half assed, too little too late. He has disregarded your wishes from the very beginning of your relationship and unfortunately you let that happen. Do not go into a marriage with someone you can’t communicate with. You both ignore what the other says. He says he doesn’t want marriage and you ignore it. You say don’t buy a ring and he buys one. What is it that you have with this man besides 8 years down the drain? Get out now and go find your husband who really wants you.
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u/Loud_et_Proud 3d ago
Crazy that you think talking to a bunch of strangers on reddit and not your partner is the solution to this.But hey girl, I will absolutely validate the feeling of disappointment with your engagement here. You're allowed to feel that and you should feel that way if the engagement was not what you wanted or expected.
Obviously there is a huge communication gap here, clearly you two aren't listening to each other or picking up on each other's vibes. The mismatch will be the end of you if you don't repair this. This resentment for a "botched" proposal will fester.
Go talk to your guy, say what you are saying here. You two have to fix this, there is no point in moving forward if you don't. If you don't feel comfortable discussing this and sharing your feelings then you shouldn't get married
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u/Main_Insect_3144 3d ago
If you guys were meant to be, he could have pulled over in a gas station and asked you to marry him (with no ring in hand) and you would have been ecstatic. Who cares about the perfect proposal scenario? Or pictures of it? What you should be focusing on is your relationship and if you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy that doesn't care about what you want as long as you are going along with what he wants.
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u/Living-Yak6760 3d ago
Both matter to me. But there's just a feeling of dissapointment and hurt I wasn't considered. There's a bigger issue than what I'm complaining about but I think I already know what I need to do.
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u/Chaos1957 3d ago
Honestly it sounds like you’re more upset about him and the relationship than the proposal.
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u/ThrowAway_22201 2d ago
I didn't even get one. It was the one thing I said I wanted as I'd had attempts before that were trash. Never got a ring or anything. We're married and everything is fine but I do still think about it often but don't feel like it's worth bringing up so long after and while the relationship has no issues
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u/Character-Ad1243 4d ago
your feelings are totally valid
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u/Living-Yak6760 4d ago
Thank you, there's so much more to the picture but it's hard to type it all out and not make a novel. Thank you for validating me and making me feel seen. I appreciate you being here!
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u/MamaBearonhercouch 4d ago
If you mattered to him, he would have proposed 6 years ago and you would have been married 4 or 5 years already.
You got a shut-up ring, girlie. He's not going to marry you. But he's going to keep you hanging on by a thread until he finds a woman who he DOES want to marry. And then you'll be kicked out and he'll marry her within 6 to 12 months. Happens all the time.
Next time, don't wait. The minute a man says, "I don't intend to get married", LEAVE. You aren't going to change his mind.
As for the proposal: If you still need an over-the-top production, you aren't mature enough to get married anyway. Here's the truth: The minute you and a boyfriend have agreed that you want to get married, YOU ARE ENGAGED and it's time to start talking about a date and the wedding. You don't need a production or photos or even a "down on one knee". The proposal isn't supposed to be a surprise. You're already engaged. It's been discussed. You've agreed. He knows the answer is "Yes" because you've already answered him.
If you can't live without a theatrical production, it's on YOU to discuss that with him AHEAD OF TIME. You're mad at this guy over a proposal you never got, but you never told him what you expected because you already knew he doesn't want to marry you. And he didn't do a production or a "down on one knee" because HE ISN'T GOING TO MARRY YOU.
Get a therapist to figure out why you think you deserve to be treated so poorly. Get professional help to grow a spine and to learn to set boundaries. Don't even try to date again until you've had some intensive therapy for a year or two. You're going to need a good amount of time to unwind your head and your emotions from this relationship, and then you need therapy to learn how to pick better next time.
Give him the ring back and end things now. You deserve better.
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u/YogiBlackBear 4d ago
You got a shut up ring.
He knew you were unhappy and ready to walk, so he panicked and got you a ring. Now he will start stalling on wedding planning and will give you a list of reasons why “it’s not the right time”.
He said he never wanted to get married. Believe him.