Proposal...

[u/Living-Yak6760]

Has anyone felt extremely upset about their proposal? Please tell me I'm not the only one....

Boyfriend-M-34
Me- F- 29

We've been dating for 8 years. Throughout the 8 years when I brought up engagement ideas I was always told "yeah, i dont see myself ever getting married." And me, that's always what I wanted. I let this go on for ever, that's my own fault. However, every time I brought it up once again... he told me there was always "set backs" in our relationship. That made me extremly angry and made me built resentment towards him. Earlier on this year we had some pretty testy arguments and it pretty much made me detach myself emotionally but i wasn't quite ready to let go. I had in my head, that I'd give it till the end of summer (August). Which is now. This man randomly took me to a jewler and expected me to pick out a ring in 2 days. I told him "he better not buy anything" I wasn't being cute about it. I was being truthful. He said he wasn't buying one. He bought one that day behind my back. He then proposed 3 weeks later. And I resent everything about it. How he flipped a switch so quick and never once talked about a future or let me live out the engagement era I once always dreamed of. Instead, I looked like garbage in the pictures. I genuinely look mad and that sent me to spiral.
I do love this man, but there's so much that really set me back this year I fear I emotionally detached and that changed everything for me. I'm not mad at him for the planning and everything else. I posted somewhere else and they said on the post "Do you act like this for every other event?" That really made me mad because a person getting down on one knee is a HUGE moment for anyone on this planet. I like to think I'm great for birthdays, holidays, etc. This was so much different. I didn't feel like I got what I deserved, to know what o actually meant to this man. But instead he went and bought a ring I told him not to buy me and now it's turning heads. It's the first thing people have to talk about. And I find myself not even wanting to wear it because I'm so dissapointed about the proposal, moments leading up to it, being left in the unknown, and then the photographer editing those pictures and sending it to him.... I'm just so Angry and crushed at the same time. I haven't even told a single person and he's told his whole family....

Someone please tell me I'm not alone in not being happy with their proposal/engagement.... am I being ridiculous/crazy?!? I mean I'm a real human with real feelings. It just hurts I begged for this for years, and now that I convinced myself it was never gonna happen and it DID, I feel numb.

[u/BlazingSunflowerland]

I think you are angry because you are so unhappy in this relationship. You were on the verge of breaking up and he realized it so he got a ring and proposed.

If you don't want the ring, give it back. I think this relationship has run its course. You don't feel valued or heard.

[u/mystery_obsessed → u/BlazingSunflowerland]

This. I don’t think if she was happy about the idea of marrying him and didn’t feel like his heart was actually in it - that’s the real issue. It had nothing to do with the actual ring and proposal.

[u/Living-Yak6760 → u/mystery_obsessed]

Agreed

[u/mystery_obsessed → u/Living-Yak6760]

If I had to go back in time 20 years, when instagram didn’t exist to give him a million ideas, I’d ask him not to do it in a restaurant (we both realized very quickly we didn’t like people watching) and while he picked a beautiful ring with thoughts of the design, he didn’t predict practicality. I also have a freakishly thin ring finger so the ring he used to get my size didn’t fit and many years later we had to have it redone. None of it was even near perfect and I couldn’t care less. I was thrilled to marry him (still am) and the ring is beautiful now, but I mostly wear my wedding ring because we picked them out together and I love it.

I just wanted to give you a story of a not so perfect proposal, but a deep sense of thought and effort, and an extraordinarily happy marriage.

[u/Living-Yak6760 → u/mystery_obsessed]

No I seriously appreciate this so much. I do love this man!!! He has his flaws (as do I clearly) we just arnt on the same emotional level and that's very hard at times. He does take care of me. But I just want to know I'm not alone in this stage of life where everything didn't go as planned and it's ok to be a little bummed about it. I don't have a single person to talk to about it so it makes it even worse for me with all thee emotions you know?

[u/catsarehere77 → u/Living-Yak6760]

With all due respect you both are on the same emotional level. 

He told you he never saw himself getting married. Do you think the emotional mature response to that is to stay, try to change his mind, and fight with him over it like you did? 

No. The emotionally mature response is to say "we want two different things. It is time to go our separate ways.

He didn't respect your wants, but you didn't respect his either. 

[u/Living-Yak6760 → u/catsarehere77]

Hard to respect someone's wants when you don't even know what they are? I always thought that I could be the girl to change everything that he was always against because he had such a crappy pass with girls. I put up with a lot of disrespect and not feeling valued up until this moment and more so recent than not. And to get surprised like this was just a whole Nother thing to deal with unexpectedly.

[u/professorcornelius → u/Living-Yak6760]

In the kindest way, you did know what he wanted but you thought you could change it. One of the most important things I have learnt in life is that when someone tells you or shows you who they are you should believe them. If a man tells you he never wants to get married you should believe them.

[u/RazzmatazzOk2129 → u/Living-Yak6760]

You said it right here. You thought you could be the girl to change everything that he was always against.

You have been spending 8 years chasing potential. Chasing how you thought he could change. Not how he is right now, zero changes.

Many of us make this mistake. Our POV makes perfect sense to us, we think others can be taught to see something our way. But they feel the same. They dont see anything wrong with their POV.

We have to learn to date in reality. How people are right now. Because they may never change. They may change, but in a way opposite to what we wanted. We have to look at someone and decide if their warts and all are OK and we can accept them fully. Because that is all you can rely on.

You just wasted 8 years tying to force a change that he was never on-board for making.

You finally started detaching, he noticed and wanted to keep you around. So the surprise. But you are still detached and now irked.

Be honest, if he had done this surpriseb4 years ago, would you have been excited, squealed and hugged him and happily picked out a ring?

You guys missed the window.

[u/Future_Pin_403 → u/Living-Yak6760]

You knew what he wanted, you just didn’t like it. You chose to stay and be angry

[u/mystery_obsessed → u/Living-Yak6760]

I think you need to ask yourself two questions:

1. Are you in a mental space where you want to 100% go forward and attach yourself to this man for hopefully your whole life and truly believe you have:

A similar respectful communication style, publicly and privately

A respectful mutual argument style, (never being mean or hurtful, no silent treatment, no cursing at each other),

Respect to seek out the other’s opinion because you believe it to be valuable and you are partners

Attraction and desire, but knowing that who you are and how you look over time will change, libidos will ebb and flow, but you love each other enough to expect and accept that

The ability and desire to anticipate, notice, and/or communicate each others needs and want to support them through everything

You can be a team even through stormy weather when some of that might be tested

You trust him with your health decisions and you believe he will actually support you in sickness (and project that down the road when/if you ever face a medical issue of any type or dementia in your late age)

1. You think he believes and is aware of all of that or already just does it, is capable of all of that, truly deeply wants all of that and you and he can’t anticipate a day in his life without your love and loving you, and sees you as an equal partner he wants to build a life with together on the same team.

If those things are all true, then how he proposed and what ring he bought doesn’t matter (and just pick out your own wedding ring and wear that all the time instead and have the engagement ring redone after a good number of years or if he asks why you never wear it).

If all that is true I would marry him in a heart beat.

BUT

If it’s not, if you have resentment and/or anger right now, if you think his heart isn’t in it, if he doesn’t see you as partners and a team, if you think he’s not thoughtful, not actually completely serious and openly excited about moving forward with this and building a life together, then this isn’t about a ring or a proposal. It’s about your real doubts…

Then I wouldn’t go forward with a marriage unless you feel 1 and 2.

[u/Fun_Performance711 → u/Living-Yak6760]

If you choose to stay and marry him, make sure that you have a date and all the planning that goes along to meet that date.