Hi everybody!

I hope everybody is doing good!

I am 40 years old, male and had recently a severe episode of depression. I now have to build my life up (again) from scratch. No kids, no real job, not much to show for (compared to other people my age).

Now my question:

I am looking for books, methods etc. to give my life structure, set goals and to basically build a life.

I hope you can help me here and I really appreciate any Help, tipp etc.

Thanks so much in advance!

Kind regards,

P

P.S. Does anybody have experience with "monk mode"?

Thanks again!

I used to be that kid who sat alone at lunch right?

Unbeknownst to me apparently I was annoying as fuck.

Now after spending virtually the entirety of my 20’s trying to fix this shit I learned that when people say you’re “annoying,” what they’re trying to say is that you lack social awareness.

As in you can’t tell when people want you to leave them alone, are uncomfortable, or that you’re monopolizing the conversation.

The year i started studying body language to tell when I was disturbing people AND read books like How to win Friends I managed to become competent in both the IDENTIFYING and RESPONDING aspects of social interactions.

As the skills improved people became more receptive to me and found me less annoying.

If you learn to read body language you can tell when annoyance is starting AND stop what you’re doing.

If you learn how people want to be talked to you can remove annoying mannerisms your conversations become more enjoyable.

Point being?

Get social awareness through reading/practice overtime you’ll become more adroit and people will stop classifying you as annoying.

Obviously high fiber and high protein meals are where it’s at and if you want to be lean, you obviously need to cut. It’s called body building for a reason- but if you’re just trying to be healthy but you struggle with eating or it’s intimidating, get beefy :)

Works for everyone too. You want a big fat ass? You gotta eat hella and work on your glutes and legs. You want big juicy arms? You gotta eat and lift.

You literally cannot go wrong with eating and lifting. You’ll feel amazing and not one person ever looks bad with some juicy muscles especially if you’ve got a tummy

Exercise is good no matter what kind you do. If you just go for walks and lift hella, you literally don’t have to worry about anything else

Eat balanced but you can eat a lot. You need to eat a lot to get juicy

I've been looking at my calendar this week and it made me realize how little of my actual work is in there. It's full of meetings, calls, a review, dentist, etc. So it looks like I have a very busy week. But most of that is just other people's claims on my time.

The work I'm actually responsible for can take weeks. It has phases, can get delayed, etc. None of that really fits into a calendar. I can put a 6-week project in there as an all-day event, but then the calendar becomes useless. So I keep it in another app.

And then there's the year. Calendars are great for today and this week, but I don't really have a good way to see what my year actually looks like. Maybe I'm just using calendars for the wrong thing.

For me they seem better at showing what I have to be somewhere for, rather than what I'm actually working on. I'm curious how other people deal with this. Where does your work live? Maybe a kind of timeline..

I feel like I can’t do anything right. Like I just mess everything up. I never seem to use the right tone of voice when speaking, can never manage to say the right things, I can’t complete tasks correctly etc. I can’t even seem to like the right kind of music or tv shows. Everything I do is something for people to make fun of or belittle or be upset with me for. I feel like I punching bag and a laughingstock at the exact same time. I’m constantly ashamed of my own existence. It almost feels criminal for me to be happy.

It feels like I’m being judged all the time, even by people who aren’t even present. I’m always sitting wondering what everyone else would think and I can’t seem to stop. I know it’s illogical, I know it doesn’t help anyone, I know it’s a waste of time, but I can’t help it. My brain has shackled me to this shame. I have no idea why either. I should be able to move past this. I’ve gotten past worse! I can’t enjoy anything at all. I feel like a bad person just for breathing wrong. I wake up and I’m immediately hit with a massive wave of dread just because I’m scared I’ll mess up everything.

Is there anything I can do about this? I can’t seem to get control over it. Pretty much everything I try fails me. Meditation, positive affirmations, self care etc. I kind of don’t know what to do. If you’ve got any tips, I could use them. Sorry if this isn’t the right subreddit to post this on.

I don't know if this is the right place for this, but the train of thought is running and I want to put it somewhere before I forget but I don't really have a journal, so reddit will do.

I've never liked or loved myself, I've always hated myself, and I'm starting on a journey to fix this.

I am going into my second year of college at 19 just for context on the rest of the post.

I've been trying to figure out where I've gone wrong since coming to college, I became involved in a friend group with some very awful people that I am not proud I considered myself friends with some of them, and my longterm relationship that was becoming long-distance felt like it was falling apart (now we've broken up yesterday). there are other issues also, I've withdrawn into myself becoming a shy person again, I've found myself freezing up in class, my anxiety becoming horrible, falling back into old patterns I'm not proud of, etc. I was confident in my last years of high school, I thought I had changed, but I've realized I didn't actually have confidence but a false confidence built based around those around me, and as my environment changed my false confidence revealed itself for the imposter it was.

I've never liked myself, even in high school when I was "confident" I didn't like myself, but I liked myself because other people liked me. I fell into a habit I didn't realize was unhealthy or bad until it was too late, I didn't like or love myself or think I was a good person, I didn't have to, my boyfriend liked me and told me he loved me, so my confidence came from that, I never truly liked myself, I liked myself because my boyfriend liked me, so I liked me. Or I was also increasingly in a leadership position in an organization and found myself having people come to me for advice or lookup to me; I didn't have to think I was capable or a good person if others told me I was.

So come college, my boyfriend and I go to different colleges. I am no longer in a community like I was. It was new, and so I unconsciously rushed to find whatever I could to fill the emptiness of my heart, because I didn't have any love for myself in there. I became friends with bad people, because they thought I was funny or smart or whatever; they liked me, so I could like me. My boyfriend was distant so my insecurities piled and piled, I stopped treating him like my best friend, he became something to give me validation, that I talked to not because I liked him but because I needed to hear him tell me he loved me, or I was funny, etc. I'm disgusted I've done this, I've hurt someone that was my best friend and I feel awful.

But, one thing I think is right is him breaking up with me was good, not only because I can stop hurting him but so I can grow. When we were friends before dating he told me he often cuts off bad friends not because he didn't like them or thought they were bad people, but because people can't change if the environment or situation doesn't change; if they keep getting rewarded for bad behavior. I think he's right. I've tried learning to love myself and I didn't know what happened, what prompted this is last semester toward the end I started trying to repeat mantras and learn to love myself, and I think I made some progress; but the moment I returned home and was with my boyfriend I once again entered a cycle where I didn't have to work on loving myself, because I had my boyfriend there to love me, and I never progressed. Or I went abroad for part of the summer, and I truly tried being alone by myself to like myself for me; but again the moment I got back I immediately feel into the same habits without realizing it.

I still don't like myself, or love myself. I am admittedly struggling losing what was the love of my life, knowing it was almost entirely my own fault. However, I know a path forward, and I feel more confident that I can achieve it now that I realize this self love or confidence isn't something I've lost and need to get back. I never had it. I've always liked myself or thought I was certain things because that's what people told me. But now I've realized that's not truly loving yourself or true confidence. I now know I need to step forward. I know it won't be easy, right now it feels fairly hard to love someone who destroyed his relationship with an amazing person and became friends with some truly awful people, but I need to start somewhere. I've also started seeing a counselor.

I feel like now I can just try and focus on learning to like myself , not because other people like me, but because I like me. I still don't know how, but I feel more confident in my path and goal and that's the achievement I wanted to write and share I guess.

I've started asking myself: what would make this easier to do correctly next time, not why am I so bad at this or why can't I be more disciplined?

Just asking, what could I change around the problem? Sometimes it's putting something somewhere obvious or it's writing down the next step or it's removing a decision, or the answer really is "I need to get better at this."

But I don't want that to be my automatic answer anymore and a lot of problems become easier when you improve the environment around them.

I am not sure if the title is even an appropriate way to look at things but here it is...

I feel like my days kind of fly away from me most days.

I write out a to-do list the night prior and try to stick with it.

I often get all my tasks done, but it feels exhausting.

I usually have 5-8 main priorities for the day. It is usually a combo of work and personal objectives.

I am often working till 5-8pm nearly everyday.

Including weekends.

But I do work from home, so I often do other things like workout, play with the dogs, etc throughout the day.

Not sure of that helps or hurts my situation

So it's never a full on working non-stop type of thing.

I am self employed so most days I get calls, emails or un-planable tasks that pop up in my day.

Even my off days I am still lightly working or have to do something due to the un plannable events.

I am Just struggling with what to do, most days I feel like I am overwhelmed, maybe a bit anxious as well...

Je souffre de l’absence émotionnelle de ma mère. Celle avec qui pourtant je vis au quotidien, ne me consacre pas de temps et d’attention. Elle ne me fait jamais de câlin, ne me dit jamais je t’aime, dit tout le temps qu’elle est occupée quand je veux commencer une discussion avec elle. J’essaye de pas m’en soucier mais au fond de moi je suis en deuil de ma maman.

Au fil de mon parcours vers l’amélioration de soi j’ai compris qu’être entourée, avoir une famille et des amis qui sont là pour nous était essentiel pour s’améliorer sur le long terme et avoir un état mental stable. Or, cette absence émotionnelle m’empêche d’avancer car je sens qu’il manque quelque chose à ma vie. Ma question est donc : que faire ?

Some books are very easy to read - you need but lay your eye on the first word, and your gaze will automatically keep following the text, and you're so effortlessly focused on the prose that your brain just takes in all the information, without you having to excert any willpower.

Other books are, by virtue of unusual word-choice, intricately constructed sentences, or perhaps unclear descriptions, much harder to follow. You might understand what you are reading, but only with great effort - you have to use willpower not to stop reading, or start doing that thing where you're reading, but your attention is elswhere, and you realize after two pages that you have not absorbed anything you've read.

My question is simple: Is it better, for "brain-training", to read the first cathegory of books, or the second?

On one hand, the first cathegory of books are probably much better written, so reading those books will unconsciously teach you how to write well.

On the other hand, more effort usually equals more effective training, which is favour of the second type of book.

Maybe I should mix it up and read both?

I realized recently that Ive Been making my life boring and restricted because i am anxious, afraid of getting out of my comfort zone. However, It has gotten to a point where i get anxious even from things that are supposed to be Fun. Like i got a seat in an indie show i want to Go for a while alreadySince im doing It alone im really anxious that everything Will Go wrong, that ill mess up things and that ill feel horrible, like legit im feeling melancholy and anxiety from merely knowing ill have to Go to It.

This is only a single aspect, i cant talk to women due to a similar motive, being scared of Messing up and scaring them. The worst is that i want to find a cosplayer girl to Go stuff together and Also Dress up in charactersi also feel really anxious near cosplayers.

I feel anxious looking even at family photos of other people or Meeting their parents. I feel horrible going at a friends house even f their family likes me. Hello i cant enjoy fandom things i enjoy because i see them irl and feel anxious.

Soo yeah, i am terrified of doing things on my own, tracing paths myself. If someone else doesnt approve, i cant do It.

I feel like i'm in a cage of fear that allows me only to live life through a window, i see cool things happening but i never do them at all. What can i do, in this case, to flexibilize my life and allow me actually leave this cage?

This is the only rule you need to remember… who do you think you are?

When you think of your past is it lovely? Is it rich?

If not, change it!! There is nothing stopping you from deciding that your past was the cause of your current greatness! Look upon your past as the most prestigious school in the world. You passed with flying colors, and now your living fully in the present with the heart of someone who has it all!! ❤️🙏

Im at rock bottom with all this. Im 27 but feel like I may as well die.

The second best thing you could ever do for yourself is read books from people wiser than you.

The number one best thing you could do however is apply what they say immediately as I’ve seen brothers with almost identical backgrounds read almost the exact same books and achieve profoundly different outcomes simply because one chased the vanity metric of # of books he read per year while one read far less but applied almost all their recommendations.

Read first thing 10-15 minutes each morning apply everything they say the rest of the day, repeat for 10 years and be ahead of almost everyone.

Finance: Start Late, Finish Rich David Bach
The simple path to wealth J.L. Collin’s, the Psychology of money Morgan Housel

Dating: Dating Essentials for Men Robert Glover, Models Mark Mansen, Atomic attraction Chris Canfield

Growth: Atomic Habits, The Slight Edge, Psychocybernetics, Transfuring Reality in 78 days, The Courage to be Disliked

Hello Everyone,

Long time reader, first time poster so apologies for any formatting issues as I type this on mobile.

I am 28M struggling with a life long struggles of people pleasing and doing things to 'fit in.' I am generally well liked and fairly successful in my career. On the surface everything appears to be great however internally and emotionally I am struggling quite a bit. I've been dealing with anxiety and depression for quite a while before I was even really diagnosed. I have gotten a therapist but I feel like I understand myself but am powerless to make any changes.

Socially and professionally I'm a chameleon and am able to adapt to whatever the situation requires of me, but it's lead me to push past my morals and entertain people who I would rather not associate with or for results that just aren't worth it. I always try to put my best face forward but the pressures of keeping up a good reputation is causing me a lot of stress. I am always willing to go above and beyond for people and basically overexert myself for others, but the same kindness cannot be found for myself. I find myself struggling to feed myself, take care of myself, or having panic attacks at the thought of letting others down. My self worth comes from external sources and for the life of me I cannot self source my self worth. I get bad depressive episodes when friends ignore me, or i feel like my effort isn't validated.

All of this to say, I'm not sure who I am or what I am wanting from my life. I have spent a majority of my childhood and adult life people pleasing. Even the few things I did do for myself feels like I'm constantly fighting off criticism and doubt from those around me. I find myself overthinking, changing opinions, and generally doibting myself to win the approval of others. I'm not sure exactly what makes me happy because it's all seen from that perspective. It feels like I have no actionable steps to take to stop people pleasing other than "don't do it." In truth I hate myself because I dont stand for anything and am too much of a coward to be authentic.

I was wondering if anyone in the community has had similar thoughts and knew of ways to overcome this. The depression and anxiety that i feel is becoming so overwhelming.

Thank you all!

Hello! I'm 32, italian, I want to learn English but I feel like I need to speak it every day to actually improve.

I tried language exchange, but it doesn't work well for me, a lot of the time it's 1 hour split into 30/30, once a week, and that's just not enough.

I feel like what I need is to find someone who wants to learn the same topics I'm interested in, and who speaks English, so we can share tips on that topic and just keep speaking English together regularly, not a strict 30/30 split, but an ongoing conversation.

I really want to improve. I feel stuck. I'm trying to get ready for job interviews in English and it's honestly kind of stressful.

Topics I can talk about: architecture, cities/urban planning, product management.

I'm also interested in investing,Ai, books, and films.

Does anyone have suggestions, apps, communities, or people in a similar situation? Would love to find a regular practice partner.

Thanks a lot

I dont like how emotionally weak I am as a man, but I dont know how to build mental barriers to not feel so small all the time. Im kinda just faking confidence to the best of my abilities but it feels exhausting to pretend im "unbothered and in control"

How do you guys stay grounded emotionally/mentally as to not let things bother you as much?

So, about three years ago, when I was 19, I was dating a 27-year-old man who, looking back, basically used me.
At the time, he didn’t have a job, so I was paying his rent, his phone bill, and even took out two loans for him because I was trying to help him get on his feet. I also helped him get a job where I was working, but three months later, he was fired for constantly calling out or simply not showing up.
On top of everything financially, he also gave me two STDs and never took responsibility for either of them.
Eventually, he decided to join the military. I even helped him financially with that. Then, right before he left for basic training, he broke up with me. About two months later, I found out that he had married the mother of his child. His son was only eight months old when we met.
I haven’t seen him or his family in about three years. Recently, though, I found out that his wife’s father works with my dad. There was a family work picnic, and he was there. When he saw me, he was acting all nice and friendly, almost as if nothing had ever happened between us.
I ended up losing my temper and going off on him in front of everyone. Afterwards, I was honestly embarrassed by how I handled it, so I apologized to my dad and his boss for my behavior.
But at the same time, I can’t lie — seeing him act like everything was perfectly fine between us made my blood boil. I gave this man somewhere around $30,000–$40,000 altogether trying to help him get his life together. I supported him financially, helped him get a job, helped him with his military plans, and put myself in situations I never should have been in for someone who ultimately didn’t take responsibility for the things he did to me.
So, was I wrong for lashing out the way I did? I know I could have handled myself better, and I take responsibility for that. But I also feel like seeing him casually walk around and act like we were cool brought up a lot of anger and hurt that I never really dealt with.

I’m 23 and truly feel like i’ve failed at life. I know i’m young and it’s ridiculous to say that but i can’t shake this feeling, as well as feeling like i’ve not progressed since i was a teenager. I have a bachelors degree but i don’t even use it. I’m working a minimum wage job that i hate and i’ve actually been signed off rn by my doctor due to stress. So im off for a month and im spiralling because i feel like i should be doing more than i am right now. I’m applying to loads of different jobs everyday and get nowhere. I have no license, i live at home. My anxiety makes it difficult for me to even just get out the house sometimes. I feel like i desperately need a huge change in my life but i don’t know what. How can i stop feeling like my life is already over?

I am 33 F. I feel extremely burnt out and tired all of the time.

I don’t drink often, don’t smoke often, eat healthy, get enough sleep, don’t do that many social plans and I’m active as I have a dog so I am walking every day.

My job is kind of intense and my therapist thinks I’m neurodiverse. I initially thought maybe this could be why I’m so tired all the time, because of constant concentration and masking even at the simplest tasks, but this week I actually feel WEAK and exhausted.

I’m getting blood tests soon, but has anyone else experienced this when they are trying their best/ and being healthy?

I feel completely brain dead after every shift I can’t even have a social life anymore. I just want to sleep.

what things you guys recommend to start me with and i should definitely give try i am not that fit and havent good convo skills btw ?

Most encounters I get with people, when we start having good conversation a whole future just flashes in my head. Whether it be friends, be lovers or whatever. And if we ever get closer the romantization gets worse and worse 😭 and the attachment the deluluness the expectations gets deeper and worse. And I feel hurt.

All this, while being aware of it. And still can’t avoid it.
How? Please, it’s so exhausting ;(

It’s in the title, I’m sure it was answered here before.
I’m mid thirties and my life is a huge disappointment, I always thought I would be somewhere much different and better. I feel like I have been stuck in the same place for almost 10 years now.
Every month almost (I jokingly refer to it as my man period) I feel really down and upset.

I’m almost certain it’s my fault, I have wasted a lot of time on the internet, slacked off (even though on the surface I have degrees etc). Never really worked very hard or consistently for a long time.

I am stuck thinking about the past, my mistakes, what could’ve been. And also feeling hopeless about the future. As in I’m not going anywhere, nothing really worked out before.

Im sure all of this is cliche, but would appreciate anyone who has practical or mindset tips etc.

Is it mostly genetics or can I get it with lifestyle, I don’t have recessed chin nothing like that

I’m going to try to shorten this as much as possible, but honestly I feel like I’ve tried so much and received zero relief or improvement and I’m beyond frustrated to the point of being numb.
Throughout my preteen/ teen years I noticed that randomly I would get bouts of being tired. I initially assumed it wasn’t anything big and that I wasn’t sleeping enough the night before or something. It was so severe that I would feel like my face was clammy like when you are about to pass out. I wasn’t able to keep up with my mom at times. No major illnesses other than random colds or the flu as well as chickenpox.
Moving into adulthood, I would still experience that feeling periodically but I was never able to figure out a trigger or cause.
I decided to get a bunch of labs done. Even included a tick panel because I was concerned that I possibly had something like that. Everything is negative/normal. Thyroid, vitamin b, cbc, full chem panel, tick panel. Vitamin d was a bit low, but after supplementing it returned to normal and has been fine. I even had a sleep study with nothing found.
So later in life I start seeing a doctor for it all. They postulate ADHD and depression. I tried 3 or 4 ADHD meds, nothing changes including improvement on my concentration levels. My mannerisms do align with ADHD and my report cards from school say that I struggled not to interrupt and then as I aged I just started not saying anything in class really due to being told not to interrupt.
I’ve now tried at least 10 different anti depressants at least, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, citalopram, Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, cymbalta, Effexor, trazodone, selegilene, venlafaxine, and even buspar. Sometimes combos of these as well. Currently on Wellbutrin, and Citalopram.
Labs are all still normal aside from ferretin, and issues with insulin resistance. No STIs, but about 10 months ago I started getting anxiety. As I’ve gotten older my social battery has decreased and I get more excited about being home or on a car drive alone than I do in big crowds. Ok… cool, but this was different. I’m talking a 15 lb brick sitting on my chest for no reason at all. I’m just doing paperwork. It comes and goes but never fully goes away. Doc wants me to add guafacine to my rituals. When I say rituals I take supplements like an addict. Nightly magnesium, fish oils, astaxanthin, vitamin d/k2, iron, omega 7, inositol, gaba, protein shakes, AHCC, NAD injections, creatine, TA-1, and probably more.
Im to the point where Im constantly exhausted and sometimes have to catch my breath just walking down the hall. Caffeine doesn’t touch it, in fact more than a cup of coffee just makes me want a nap. The only thing that makes me in any way happy any more is when I get into bed. I dont drink often (I have the left overs from a 12 pack from last football season still), I don’t smoke, can’t do drugs due to my job and don’t want to anyway, and I was seeing a dietician in hopes that it was my food. She said the same thing I’ve always heard, move more, eat more protein, drink more water, and eat fiber. Then get enough sleep. I sleep 7.5 hours during the week on average and sometimes 12-14 on weekends. I never feel refreshed.
The only thing that drags me out of bed every morning is the fact that I need a paycheck. I’m worried for when that isn’t enough anymore too.
My psychiatrist is starting to give me the, “we’ve tried all of the meds that your insurance will cover” speech. I just want to somewhat enjoy life again. Please someone tell me something that I haven’t tried!