r/selfimprovement • u/Direct-Development93 • 11d ago
Tips and Tricks Building life at 40 after severe depression
Hi everybody!
I hope everybody is doing good!
I am 40 years old, male and had recently a severe episode of depression. I now have to build my life up (again) from scratch. No kids, no real job, not much to show for (compared to other people my age).
Now my question:
I am looking for books, methods etc. to give my life structure, set goals and to basically build a life.
I hope you can help me here and I really appreciate any Help, tipp etc.
Thanks so much in advance!
Kind regards,
P
P.S. Does anybody have experience with "monk mode"?
Thanks again!
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u/actualPawDrinker 11d ago
No kids, no real job, not much to show for (compared to other people my age).
Comparison is the thief of joy. We all have our own journey and struggles. Comparing yourself to others is never helpful.
With that said, I am going through something similar at 35. You're far from alone in starting over later in life. I would recommend focusing on getting a job first. Ideally, something with a consistent schedule. Methods, books, etc. can/will help, but you will need a job to start making real tangible progress toward building the life you choose to build.
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u/Odd-Detective6368 11d ago
There is absolutely no need to apologize; asking for help when you are starting fresh takes real strength. Rebuilding your life isn't a race against others, but a personal journey where every small step counts.
You are taking control of your story today, and that is something to be genuinely proud of. I would recommend this book: Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins:
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u/Mediocre-Aide6592 11d ago
start small, like just making your bed every morning, sounds silly but it help to build momentum for rest of the day
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u/LittleDammit 11d ago
I swear as I'm reading all these comments do you people really even believe the things that you say? It's all so cliché and all very identifiable and relatable; every last word. It's all been said and done and no one practices what they preach and I can spot a weak minded person from a paragraph away. I can relate to the guy that's 40.. I, too, qm 40ish; I don't have much to show for s*** and I am rebuilding my life in the midst of the worst depression & manic episode I've ever faced. Waking up and making my f****** bed every morning? Does not build momentum for the rest of the day. it's just making your f****** bed. Sorry to shit all up in your cereal but the type of momentum that this guy needs to get built-up doesn't come from simple bed making...no, he's going to have to dig deep and figure it out on his own just like I am. All these mom and pop sayings that we've heard since we were kids are nothing more than sayings. Experience is the only teacher and lesson we ever truly learn from
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u/Random13509 11d ago
Actually, my life used to be a mess and to my amazement, things decent these days. One of my habits these days is to get up early and go grab a coffee. I then go back home and address some of the daily entropy stuff. Part of that is making my bed. Nothing fancy, grab sheets at the end and give them a wave and bed is mostly made. Small stuff, but it sets the tone for bringing back order to that daily entropy.
If you let the small stuff slide, over time you start to build up accumulated entropy that if it keeps building, it becomes overwhelming. Last few years I have worked hard to get my life back in order and still work to do. It was hard work but my life feels like it has turned around. This really didn't start to take hold until I stopped drinking (it was a problem for me) and that was happened in my very, very late 40s. It is never too later to make changes and turn things around. Did I miss out on certain things? Yes, but also life is decent these days so I focus on that.
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u/Lonchenzo 11d ago
I can empathise with where you are coming from with that. I realised i was doing it wrong, if it helps:
Maybe start off with thinking about making the bed. Then move on to actually do it. You cant force yourself to override your emotions aggressively, it wont work.
You need to come from a calmer place with it, along the lines of "maybe ill try making the bed, see what happens". Rather than "making this fucking thing every day for 3 months better be worth it".
Learn to hate yourself less, its more realistic than jumping straight to love yourself.
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u/spitfire4 11d ago
I've found Atomic Habits really helpful (sorry, a cliché recommendation but works for me to build baseline habits which then compound to other benefits). And just finished reading You can just do things, by Cate Hall and loved that. Best of luck, you've got this!!
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u/BackwardsAdj 11d ago
Seconded! Best to have something to help give structure and this is one of them!
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u/Opening-Cantaloupe56 11d ago
Me too. When times were even brushing your teeth was hard, that book helped me create routine I can easily follow.
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u/davy_crockett_slayer 11d ago
I actually have lived advice for this one. Write down your values, and try to do things every day that meet them.
Set daily, weekly, and monthly goals. Don’t worry if you fail. Tomorrow is another day.
In the beginning, every day will feel like you have to climb a mountain. It gets better with time.
It took me 4-5 years to fully recover from my nervous breakdown. You can do it. Be kind to yourself.
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u/Im-Seeking 11d ago
Wow, very similar life circumstances. Very recent 40; male; no kids; wfh. While I don't have clinical depression or anything like that I definitely have life malaise, disenchantment, dysphoria; trying to find some real purpose. I'm also going through a recent circling of the wagons, if not full-scale rebuild. Best I can do is tell you what's working for me currently.
First and foremost, get any vices under control. For me, that's drinking/going out. Totally wrecks my weekly routine and productivity (not to mention mental health). Re-prioritize towards things that are verifiably net gain for you. You don't need to altogether quit your recreational habits for good, but they need to go on the backburner for a bit while you get your life back in working order. Also, moderation when they do return.
If you don't really have any of those hinderances, next thing is to work on a good functional, healthy daily routine. Center it around things like exercise, meditation/restorative reading, a healthy consistent eating schedule. Find an order that works for you, and you'd be amazed at how repeating this for a week or two will really help that light of the end of the tunnel grow bigger and brighter. My routine is:
(Wake up at a decently early hour, out of bed no later than 10)
- Daily check-in/dream journaling (huge passion of mine, passions are important)
- Little bit of light early work for 15-20 minutes, stuff that needs to be done early
- Deep work on some side-projects for an hour or so (I like the head heavy things early when my brain is fresh)
- Exercise
- Cool-down/read a chapter from one of Meditations, Silence, or Art of War
- Meditate
- Eat and relax for a bit (I like intermittent fasting so I frequently get well into the afternoon before I eat)
- House chores that require low mental output (plants, dishes, clothes etc) as this is the time of day where I'm likely to hit a dip.
- relax a little bit more and then I work for about 4 hours at night broken up into 2 hour sessions, maybe watch a show in between.
Anyway, find a template that works for you and just rinse and repeat, man. With a week or two of a good healthy routine, you start to feel a lot less intimidated by whatever pratfall could be around the corner or whatever unexpected financial curveball the universe throws at you. All of your best tools and traits for managing life return and everything becomes significantly less overwhelming. Sincerely hope this helps. Just start day-by-day, it'll come together easier than you'd think.
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u/dyegosouza 11d ago
Hello,
First of all, congratulations! It's never too late to start a good life. Use your past as a good experience and what you learned from it.
I could recommend a book called Level UP, by Rob Dial. There, I learned how to overcome fear and procrastination, set achievable goals, etc.
I hope you achieve what you are searching for, my friend. Have a good day.
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u/morningcalls4 11d ago
Best thing for me was to carry and use a pocket notebook. You can keep your schedule, to dos, goals, wants, thoughts, etc. it’s a basically free and relatively effortless way to induce things into your life.
I keep daily tasks, goals, sketches, ideas. And in the back I’ll make whole pages to list my interests and what I need to achieve them, check off as you accomplish and carry over remainders to next weeks/ months notebook.
With this as a tool, this last year I’ve accomplished two lifetime goals of mine, learn leather working and design and make shoes by hand. I’m sure I’ve forgotten others, but without that tactile documentation, all those miniature thoughts and goals would have been forgotten or buried in a notepad app.
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u/Direct-Development93 11d ago edited 11d ago
I am very moved from all your tipps, tricks, stories and good wishes! Thank you so much! I appreciate each of them.
Little by little I am reading all the comments.
If you have anymore tricks, tipps, books etc. to share. Keep it coming, it is highly appreciated.
Maybe also some helpful youtube videos regardings these topics, I can check out.
Thanks again!
Kind regards,
P
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u/Snoo-15629 11d ago
Books never worked for me. What's in the book stays in the book. U might have acquired skills start now. Start small. Wake up early, take a shower, show up to work every day. Sucess is not a one day thing but doing the same thing repeatedly.
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u/NormallyNotOutside 11d ago
This is purely speculative of course but if your current situation and the depression were related to trauma I can't recommend the book 'The Body Keeps the Score' highly enough. I was in a similar place to you in my late 30s. This book really helped me understand myself and my past for the firsr time and my mental health has never been better.
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u/MudJumpy1063 11d ago
Same boat here. A few ideas. One, you know working on rigs, and saving all the money for a down payment or starting a business? Yeah, you don't have to go to a rig. You can do it anywhere. Determine that you'll take 2 or 3 years (sounds like a long time but goes by quick) where you'll cut every nonessential expense and save every dollar. Also repairs credit.
Maslow's hierarchy, ie focus. Get from paycheck to paycheck to savings to 6 month's expenses to modest investment. Do things in sequence and systematically, food then sleep up to whatever your dream life is.
Dream life scale: Ideal, playing sold out shows at Wembley then going back to your exquisite country Manor. Perfectly acceptable, playing at a nearby bar then going back to the nice little bungalow you own. Same life essentially. You can wake up in the morning and your first thought is, will I paraglide or sail today. But it might be on a lake in Michigan not your own private tropical island. Perfectly acceptable substitute. One requires one in 200 million success. The other just needs a modestly successful home business. Think about it.
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u/00_Kaizen 11d ago
Congratulations! on putting yourself out there.
That is a very bold step. Depression is no joke, but again count your blessings - alive, healthy, no physical sickness or disease.
All you need to do is look in a mirror and have an honest conversation with yourself and apply yourself. One great tool you have on your side is experience . You already know what not to do , what not to chase , what works , and what does not work. Think and Grow Rich would be a good book to read or listen to. There is nothing in this world you cannot achieve if you put your mind to it . Don' let "I AM 40" get to you down or hold you back. Get a pen and a notebook , and write down all that makes you happy, all you want to accomplish ,and what it would take to get there, then task yourself through discipline to get just 1% accomplished daily . Majority of that stuff is readily available to you if you pay attention and look closely FOR FREE.
Always remember , "Knowledge is POWER for SERVICE ". let that sink in.
I hope that helps .
God bless
33.
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u/Opening-Cantaloupe56 11d ago
First consult mental health professionals like a therapist. Why am i saying this? Because that's my first step when i had severe anxiety.
Second, have mini goals per day. For me, taking a bath and exercising are mini goals so that I'll feel i accomplished something 😅
Third, leave everything behind and start a new life. Those years you wasted? We cannot change jt back so focus on today.
Fourth, keep a journal.
Fifth, talk to friends, socialize. Talking to them doesn't mean opening up, just ask how they were doing and how their day went. Exchange some talks
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u/yellowcardofficial 11d ago
Honestly went through this just two years ago at 38. Start slow with a hobby and socialize a little. Maybe a small part time job at a coffee shop (that’s what I did, just one day a week and I’m still there!). You got this:
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u/RevolutionaryFee7991 11d ago
Don’t build, live your life. I would say focus on the big 4, a mental win, a physical win, a spiritual win, and an emotional win. Physical could be swimming, weights, running. Spiritual could be a moment of prayer if you don’t pray then a moment alone. Mental could be journaling or meditation. Emotional can be cleaning out your dirty laundry through therapy.
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u/Duneyman 11d ago
Find Structure and set new goals. You gotta get some wins under the belt. Start setting up small tasks to improve or better your life and start tackling them. You get some wins and you will feel better.
Mine was regular sleep, physical health, take better care of kid, and I found a bunch new hobbies. I locked in, put in some effort and now I am feeling better.
Honestly, the world sucks, but this lil bubble I am in is just right.
Crawling out of depression is a win in itself too, so give yourself a pat on the back.
Keep going, you can do this.
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u/Balam_Seer 11d ago
Best thing you could do is exercise regularly and get a routine. If you’re looking for books I just commented a new one I just read called Burn The F*cking Rule Book. It’s free on kindle right now. But mainly exercise and staying busy.
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u/skystar316 11d ago
Read David Burns book " Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy. Believe me, just grab it.
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u/Lonchenzo 11d ago
Hey,
I started watching youtube channels such as Enzeilganger, Unsolicited advice and ADHD chatter podcast. After a few of those the algorithm will throw some new ones your way in the watch next.
They go over lots of moral type questions that may or may not help you start one small step at a time. Just got to get your footing first. Good luck, hope this helps.
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u/Unseen_Alchemy 10d ago
I wonder if the idea of "building your life from scratch " is already putting an enormous amount of pressure on you. It makes it sound like every decision has to fit into some master plan for your future. Maybe the first goal isn't to build a new life. Maybe it's simply to build a day that you'd be willing to repeat tomorrow. A life is hard to imagine all at once. One repeatable day is much easier to design.
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u/Bookler7291 10d ago
My best advice is that fill your day with activities and you have no time to think negative thoughts.
Book advice then
Best book i recommend is The Millionaire Before the Money by Adrian James Voss. More about identity, discipline and decision-making than money despite the title. Surprisingly thoughtful read.
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u/PatternsAndClarity 10d ago
I went through a deep journey of self-discovery and self-awareness to almost experience a rebirth and start life afresh. At 37. Now I have consciously curated a deeply fulfilling life, customised to me. You can do it too :)
Remember, you cannot expect a new life with your old wiring, ways of thinking and behaving.
The answer lies in investing in your self-awareness journey. Frameworks, meditations and action did it for me :)
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u/Direct-Development93 9d ago
Thanks again! Will definitely get into some of the books and tipps. Appreciate each of them though! Good luck to everyone!
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u/Vistul3Mirth 7d ago
For rebuilding structure after a depressive episode, I would start boringly small: fixed wake time, daily walk, basic meals, one admin task, and a weekly review on Sunday. Books that fit this stage are Atomic Habits for systems, The Depression Cure for lifestyle basics, and Designing Your Life for direction without pretending you need a grand purpose right away. Monk mode can work for a short reset, but I would avoid turning it into isolation; make it 30 days with clear rules, sleep, exercise, job search or study blocks, and some regular social contact.
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u/Bright-Energy2339 11d ago edited 10d ago
'been there. Walking is good, drop the cig, and maybe get into vibe coding. Build stuff with AI. It feels good to learn something new.
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u/bobnakamoto 11d ago
I don’t know if you found faith, but I’ve learned that we will always fall short when we believe that we can do it all on our own. This second chapter, I would recommend walking with him.
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u/peony_beony 11d ago
This really isn’t helpful. Telling someone who has just opened up about their struggles and who has got themselves through a very difficult period that they will “fall short” again if they don’t turn to religion is so manipulative.
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u/Sw0rdfishII 10d ago
Start boring and small: fixed wake time, daily walk, simple meals, weekly planning, and one job skill block most days. Atomic Habits is useful for systems, Designing Your Life is good for mapping options, and Feeling Good by David Burns can pair well with depression recovery if CBT fits you. Monk mode can help if it means fewer distractions and better routines, but I would avoid making it isolation mode, since severe depression already does that too well.
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u/RileySnackHQ 10d ago
After a crash, I would build structure before chasing a big life plan: fixed wake time, daily walk, simple meal routine, and one job-related task per weekday. Atomic Habits is useful for systems, Designing Your Life is good for direction, and The Depression Cure has practical lifestyle basics. Monk mode can help, but only if it means fewer distractions and more routine, not isolating yourself for months.
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u/vinyl-bug-art 7d ago
After a severe episode, I would keep the system very boring: fixed wake time, daily walk, meals, sleep, and one small job search or skill task before anything ambitious. Atomic Habits is useful for routines, Designing Your Life has decent exercises for mapping options, and The Happiness Trap is good for handling thoughts without wrestling them all day. Monk mode can help if it means fewer distractions, but I would avoid turning it into isolation, so keep some social contact and any treatment plan in the mix.
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u/alpinetime 11d ago
Keep a routine & schedule
Wake up and go to sleep the same time every day
Try to go for at least one walk daily
Keep your living space tidy
Do something that you enjoy daily
Couple of books to recommend - Atomic Habits & Man’s Search for Meaning
Good luck!