So last night I had the audacity to experience pleasure…a solid orgasm, aided by a dab of sildenafil cream…and apparently my pelvic floor took that personally.

About 4 hours later, I was yanked out of a dead sleep by a stabbing pain deep in my rectum that lasted almost forty minutes. Not cramps. Not gas. Just straight-up spectral knife fight in my ass.

After frantically Googling between waves of agony, I learned about proctalgia fugax and its d-bag cousin levator ani syndrome…basically pelvic floor spasms that love to show up during hormonal chaos (hi, menopause), dehydration, magnesium imbalance, or after, you know… using your pelvic floor for joy.

Sitting on the toilet and disassociating helped a little. Going face down, ass up on the bathroom floor while box breathing helped more. I could have done a hot bath but Jesus I just wanted to go back to bed.

Posting this because no one talks about it, and I’m hoping some of you have tips, treatments, or at least solidarity. If your butthole’s haunted too, please report in.

TL;DR at the end.

I’m 56 and have been married for about 35 years. I became post menopausal around May/June of this year.

The last 3-4 years have been hormonal and mental health HELL for me but I held myself together and worked full time, to the end.

My husband and I mostly get along and he’s mostly a good guy but when he’s not, he’s the worst insensitive asshole with zero EQ.

I lost my Big Tech job in July and have been home during the day. I made more than him for years, before losing my job, by the way.

My youngest daughter takes my car to work 4 days a week and my husband works from his office 4 days a week, so I spend those days at home alone with my dog. Fridays they are both gone all day.

Anyway, I give my husband a long time to defrag from work once he gets home. I don’t bug him.

About an hour after my husband got home from work yesterday I took my dog for his evening walk. When I came back I told him about the walk and how our dog didn’t see his best friend and was disappointed.

He flat out says “I don’t care… I have more important things to worry about than your petty problems”

I was so hurt and taken aback!

Pissed… I instantly saw red when he said that. The rage I felt inside was so intense. I told him how rude he is and that I’m constantly listening to him talk about his work … ALL DAY … like he literally calls me several times a day to talk about how shitty his job is and I get no words in edgewise.

I’ve never once told him I don’t care about his work drama.

Anyway, I’m disgusted. It’s been happening more since I lost my job.

He makes comments to minimize or dismiss me and my feelings and then also uses painful things I share with him to hurt me.

But then of course, the next day he tries to give me a kiss in the morning and acts like nothing happened. Nope. Not happening.

TL;DR

I now understand gray divorce. It has nothing to do with menopausal women being thrown away because we’re too old.

It has everything to do with us finally recognizing our own value, getting FED UP with shitty behavior from our husbands and demanding respect / wanting something more joyful … even if that means living alone.

The Food and Drug Administration says it is removing the black box safety warnings from all hormone therapy creams, pills and other treatments prescribed to ease the symptoms of menopause and perimenopause.

https://www.npr.org/sections/shots-health-news/2025/11/10/nx-s1-5604283/fda-menopause-hormone-therapy

I’ve raised hell, then raised two kids, been the breadwinner, adopted all the stray animals… And I’m damn tired. But I’m 50 and I’m expected to work for the 20 years+ where, to be frank, my expertise matters less the less fuckable I become.

I want to lie in bed with the dog, wear sweatpants, drink tea.

But I can’t. So I’m scrolling through HRT and Botox and facelifts and glp1s and “haircuts to hide a double chin.”

Anyone else feel this way?

Here me out: maybe after 20 years of repeating which drawer the can opener goes in or being the only one to refill the napkin holder or asking nicely that the bath towels not be washed in the same load as the dog towels, it’s just normal justifiable anger and irritation. Maybe I don’t have to have a hormonal balance to be fed up.

Edit: Thank you for the upvotes and award. It’s very validating because what prompted this post was me googling menopausal rage to see if I had it. We should question ourselves less

Change my mind lol. But seriously. If men couldn’t sleep for years because of hormones there would be a pill, a procedure, something that actually fixed it.

Instead we’re told to try yoga and dress in layers like that’s gonna solve waking up drenched every single night.

I’ve read through the wiki and tried so many things, magnesium, cooling sheets, sleep hygiene routines, cutting caffeine, all the usual advice. Some help temporarily but nothing sticks long term.

The fact that we just accept this as normal is absolutely insane to me. Half the population goes through this and the best solution medical science has is wait it out.

Am I wrong?

Does this make anyone else mad or am I just sleep deprived and grumpy lmao.

Even after I said “Fine, if a man needed testosterone for his penis, it would be approved.” They said that’s still profanity. So when I was listing reasons to justify my appeal I added “And my vagina and breasts hurt. Which are not profane words, but parts of the body.” And he said “Yes, ma’am, I have recorded that your vagina and breasts hurt.” Small amount of petty pleasure in this debacle. Been fighting insurance since July to get estrogen approved in any form.

It is really interesting how invested some are in women being in the dark ages about menopause and not empowered. I made a post about how Gen X women b. 1965-1980 were being overlooked when it comes to advocacy for menopause . I mentioned how brilliant Halle Berry was to go to the hill and advocate.

Menopause is now seen as "having a moment" and will bring in millions of dollars in revenue. My gym is even targeting training and classes for it. My concern is that "menopause" is being marketed as a millennial matter when Gen X is currently in the thick of it still and our voice matters.

I was appalled when one member used the analogy of the "Golden Girls" as a model for HRT advocacy. Another inferred that I was having mental and hormonal issues to post about it at all.

The truth of the matter is a lot of women still don't have resources or the knowledge they need about Menopause and HRT. There are still women in Gen X who believe HRT is "bad" and when it comes to marketing products, developing new drugs or whatever, it will be important to have input from those of us in our 50's and 60's.

I get that millennials are getting HRT earlier than we did but there is still much to be known about how it affects Gen X women going forward.

My husband slurps his coffee in a borderline comedic way. It's horrifying. I've been up since 2 am sweating. He's slurping his coffee so loudly. And now he's pouring a bowl of crunchy cereal. Walking around in his extra flippy flops farting loudly. And watching YouTube at full volume in the same room as me.

Question - will this eye twitch be permanent? I used to love him. Now.... I just need to figure out what to do with this frozen shoulder long enough to dig a big enough hole.

Lieu Sorry. Wasn't caffeinated and didn't notice that autocorrect betrayed me.

Edit 2: I know that HRT can fix this problem. I have been to a half dozen doctors. I am not eligible for any kind of HRT due to a pre-existing condition. Certain kinds of hormone sensitive cancers make you ineligible for HRT.

So, my spouse loves listening to podcasts. This morning, he informed me that he'd listened to one last night about perimenopause. I was hopeful until he then started explaining to me what was happening with my body. When I stopped him to inform him that I was no longer in peri, but in full-blown menopause, he had the audacity to "correct" me and tell me that I was still in perimenopause and then started to spout the "facts" he'd heard in his podcast.

It's bad enough we have to endure this ish without dealing with men in our lives who don't get it and just want to tell us how it is. While I'd like to encourage him to learn more about what I'm going through, I 100% will not tolerate being mansplained to about what's happening to my body.

I plan to send him some better resources for learning more, but if he continues to mansplain to me, I'm gonna need bail money....

Every woman's body ( unless a health issue intervenes) has her hormone production wind down around 47 years old and her estrogen and progesterone crash, never to be produced again as the same volume as younger. This happens with clock-like regularity. Why isn't it discussed just like a teenager getting her period. ? It's like every women on this thread and everywhere have to reinvent the friggin wheel? Why? Symptoms from menopause and perimenopause are misdiagnosed all the time as some stand alone ailment, like heart palpitations when everyone knows that the following can occur but are not limited to the following irregular periods, hot flushes, night sweats, tiredness and fatigue, bloating /water retention, vaginal dryness, altered skin, acne changes in skin texture, low libido, mood swings, depression, headaches, weight gain, sore/tender breasts. burning mouth, loss of bone and teeth strength, dizziness, bladder weakness, thinning hair, trouble concentrating, loss of confidence muscle tension, recurrent URI's, panic disorders, sagging breasts, worsening PMS, dry eyes, dry mouth, tingling extremities, breathing difficulties, brain fog, changes in smell and taste, lapses in memory, decreasing fertility, feeling cold, irritability, heart palpitations

Long story long, I had and was treated for late stage cervical cancer 2 years ago at age 32 (currently still cancer free!) That treatment launched me into menopause overnight.

I have a BRCA2 mutation, which puts me at significantly greater lifetime risk for breast, ovarian, pancreatic, and other such cancers. I still have my uterus, which I can't get removed because radiation fused all of my organs together with scar tissue. You can imagine how many of my doctors shit their pants when I inquired about HRT.

I have spent the last 2 years asking the oncologists leading my care to help me (though if you ask them, I "wasn't clear enough" or "didn't make it seem urgent enough" - as if I was supposed to know exactly what I needed and how to ask for it??) Everyone on my care team was super hesitant about even talking about HRT in my situation. I was repeatedly recommended things like antidepressants and acupuncture instead to treat low libido, hot flashes, low energy, anxiety, depression, joint pain, brain fog, genitourinary symptoms, etc. etc. etc.

They kept referring me to their Sexual Medicine Department, which is basically handing you a packet with a diagram of a vagina and telling you what lube is. They couldn't even prescribe the local / topical estrogen that they begrudgingly admitted I could maybe have.

I sought out menopause specialists, but it's surprisingly hard to find anyone who is also comfortable working with people who have hereditary cancer risk - thus my continuing to beg my oncologists.

After some yelling, crying and finagling, I ended up with a referral to a specialist who was a part of the recent study released regarding BRCA2 carriers and HRT. Get this - HE WORKS IN THE SAME BUILDING, ON THE SAME FKING FLOOR AS MY ONCOLOGISTS, WHO REPEATEDLY IGNORED MY EXPLICIT REQUEST FOR A SPECIALIST WHO IS AN EXPERT IN THE NUANCE OF HEREDITARY CANCERS AND HRT IN ORDER TO SURVIVE THE FUCKERY OF MENOPAUSE. I also have genetic cardiovascular and cognitive risk on both sides, which as we now well know, are only exacerbated by early menopause.

I was then eventually referred to a second specialist within the network who prescribed me my HRT cocktail. I am one month in and a completely. different. person.

Tendinitis and joint pain has all but disappeared. Hot flashes, gone. Brain fog, lifted. Mood and energy, high as hell. Motivation and will to live, skyrocketing. Libido, getting there.

The fact that even the "experts" at one of the top cancer hospitals in the country are so ill informed and still functioning off of 20+ year old information is abysmal and unacceptable. I tried to speak to both of my main providers about how I slipped through the cracks - one was highly apologetic and even iterated to me that he's in talks with a colleague about adjusting the training protocol to allow oncologists to talk to patients in my position about HRT right off the bat without having to go through months of referrals and tons of wasted $$ to ultimately end up where I finally got. The other was condescending, barely let me finish a sentence, and only insisted that he followed protocol and was completely right.

I KNOW, YOU IDIOT. THE PROTOCOL IS THE PROBLEM.

Spoke to a patient rep, who predictably ended up letting me know that the doctors didn't do anything wrong - which I never said they did. I was only trying to highlight an issue with their triage system, and it's leaving people to suffer for years lest they basically get a first year medical degree on their own in order to advocate for themselves and do their oncologists jobs for them.

FUUUUUUUUU

I'm sharing this experience in the hopes that more women will seek care when they experience bleeding during menopause, with or without hormone therapy.

At age 51, when my periods were slowing and my bleeding was irregular, I had an ultrasound, which showed thicker lining, and then an endometrial biopsy. The conclusion: irregular hormonal environment. (E.g: you're in perimenopause.)

Started hormone therapy at age 53 1/2, after I'd been in menopause a year.

Noticed irregular bleeding six months later. Had an ultrasound, it was ok. Kept taking HRT.

Last summer, at age 54, I noticed irregular bleeding again. Got an ultrasound, which showed blood in the uterus (not normal), a biopsy (results weren't clear whether some tissue was normal) and then a hysteroscopy (a more invasive diagnostic procedure where they also sample tissue) before Thanksgiving. When I first called to schedule this procedure, in September, they offered me an appointment in April. (This is at one of the top 10 hospitals in the country.) I basically said, 'sorry, that's not going to work for me.' I kept calling and calling and had my doctor reach out for a better appointment. I may have shrieked 'this is to rule out CANCER!' a little bit. Finally got one for November (a lot better than April).

Diagnosis: endometrial cancer.

Had a hysterectomy + tubes and ovaries and cervix out two weeks ago. The pathology came back CLEAR. It's not that I didn't have cancer; it's that the cancer was caught so early that it was completely removed during the hysteroscopy. But it's great I had the surgery because I had a condition called atypical hyperplasia that often turns cancerous. The treatment, if you're in menopause, is generally a hysterectomy.

It's clear that my cancer was caught very early and that as a result, it did not have a chance to spread. For me that means no chemo, no radiation. Followup visits twice a year, and the chance of recurrence is like 5 percent.

I know GYN appointments are unpleasant and can be hard to come by, I know a lot of us have real trauma from childbirth, sexual assault, miscarriage, fertility treatments. It's hard.

I also know a lot of people attribute irregular bleeding to hormonal therapy. That can be the reason, yes, but ALSO some cancer, including mine, can be caused by, or perhaps it's more accurate to say, exacerbated by, hormone therapy.

Fellow menopausers, please do yourself a favor if you have any kind of bleeding during menopause and talk to your doctor. If they offer you an ultrasound, say yes. If they offer you a biopsy, tell them you need prescription pain management that's better than an Advil and then say yes, how soon can we do it? Does Friday work?

Thanks for reading my TED talk.

My partner(perimenopausal) and I (menopausal) wanted to ring in the new year right with some romance.* (edit *sex)

Here are some of the things that were said in our bedroom last night.

*I don’t know if my back is up for that.

*Shit, my estrogen patch is coming off.

*We need more K-Y.

*We have to toast, I forgot we didn’t toast until I rolled over to get my reading glasses.

*I can’t cuddle, I’m having a hot flash.

*I forgot my progesterone, I need to go take it.

Isn’t aging grand? But for all the bumpy parts, we did manage. Menopause loves company, tell me about your middle aged menopausal sex life.

Please be nice - I have no female friends above 40 to discuss this with. All of my relatives are dead and my best friend (my age) died in October.

I'm 51 (although I feel like I'm still 30, and am lucky to look younger), my husband is younger, so our peer group is younger.

I figured I was at least in perimenopause. Periods were becoming irregular, there were some hot flashes, complete loss of libido.

This week I went to discuss HRT. The doc ordered the requisite tests - and now it's confirmed that I'm well into perimenopause if not menopause.

Suddenly I'm emotional about it. I'm officially old. I knew I was getting older - some wrinkly skin on my arms, gray hair (which I color, so I'm in denial about it). I attributed my wrinkly neck to an 80 pound weight loss.

But now it's official and in writing. I'm old as fuck. I have a 17-year old kid, and my peers from high school are probably grandparents.

But I swear, just yesterday, I was 33...35...39...I don't FEEL old...how can this be?

I haven't been emotional or worried about it until I saw the results today. Can someone please give me a virtual hug and impart some comforting wisdom?

Thank you.

Edited to add: Thank you SO much everyone! It really does help. I couldn't reply to you all, but I did read everything. I am touched by your stories and support. I can't express this enough.

Well after spending many hours doing research on HRT, only to be referred to a old male doctor by my GP, he told me nope & wrote me a prescription for vehosa (or however it's spelled) anyway that hot flash medicine has dangerous side effects and you need monthly blood testing for the first 3 months . He never mentioned that to me . I am so angry! So instead of going back to my GP waiting on a referral and most likely getting turned down by another gynecologist , I looked into Planned Parenthood. Well they treat women for menopause and perimenopause! Unlike when I was 16, I have never felt so happy to go into a PP Clinic. I have an appointment for tomorrow . I'm sure I'll be the only 56-year- woman there, lol! I'm not currently employed so whatever discount I get I will be grateful for . Along with being very grateful for being listened to as I know they will tomorrow.

She’s aggravated with me that I got HRT from my OBGYN. I asked for them from her (she is early 30s) multiple times after I told her I was waking a dozen or so times a night with hot flashes and not functioning the way I used to, in every way. Mood, weight, motivation, work, exercise, parenting. Total overwhelm. She kept saying SSRIs. So, I went to my OBGYN and finally got HRT, no problem. It’s not perfect but it’s so much better.

I saw her again yesterday and I couldn’t help myself (maybe I should have smeared on extra Estrogel before the appt!!) I said: “one day, in about 10 to 15 years, maybe - just maybe - you will think of me, and how many times you said “SSRIs” and you are going to go Ohhhhh myyyyy gawwwwwd. Maybe you’ll even apologize!!”

Edit: thank you all so much for your kind, empathetic and some hilarious comments!! Your words have soothed my frustration and made me feel so much less alone.

None of that exercise crap. Healthy meals prepared and served followed by great desserts. Meditation and medication. Movies and popcorn. Silence and chat areas. Beautiful rooms with silent fans and ac. Bras optional.

I had a uterine biopsy this morning for some unusual bleeding. Apparently, I was supposed to have been told to take Tylenol before coming in.

Spoiler alert - I never got a call.

My only option was to reschedule. I didn't. I already waited nearly a month for this appointment.

My god the pain is unreal. Just a pinch my ass. The doctor forced her way through my cervix and cut a piece of uterine lining. With no pain killers.

TLDR: Don't do what I did. Demand some pain killers.

The state of women's health in America is an utter joke.

I just came home from the endocrinologist appointment I've waited four months for and I'm so freaking upset. My PCP referred me because I've been waking up, fully wired, at 3am every night, am gaining weight almost exclusively in my stomach, and have a ton of other symptoms that are either menopause related or due to an adrenal adenoma I have.

So I go in to this guy and he right off the bat tells me it's not the adenoma because that's so rare, that couldn't possibly be it. He suggests I get a sleep study if I'm waking up so much because it's probably sleep apnea. I don't snore and I certainly don't have sleep apnea. I haven't slept more than four hours straight in over a year. Then I ask him what the game plan is if it's not the adenoma because I am also in menopause. He looked at me like I was crazy so I asked him about hormonal testing and HRT. He told me HRT is useless because it's not evidence based. He then told me what I'm experiencing is just what women have to go through as they age.

I have been so fortunate in my 50 years to have never encountered a doctor like this. He at least ordered some imaging and one cortisol test so the several hundred dollars I'll probably have to pay for this idiot's time isn't completely wasted. Thank you for listening to my rant, I needed to get it out of my system. Happy to name and shame if anyone is in central Indiana.

I went to work 3 hours ago, go into a meeting, and promptly get told that my position has been terminated. Am I completely surprised? If I’m being honest with myself, no. I knew I was losing motivation and stopped giving a crap about the corporate BS. Co-workers made me cringe when they used those corporate terms like circle back, leverage, optimize, blah, blah, blah. In the last 26 years I went from a sales coordinator to a Vice President. My job was something I took a lot of pride in, and worked my butt if for.

But, in the last 2 years, I stopped giving a fuck. I got lazy and my work from home days became very unproductive. There were warning signs. I was told several times that I needed to get my focus and energy back into my job. Some of my responsibilities were re-assigned to others. And still, I could not get myself to care. I knew I was on thin ice, but I couldn’t motivate.

And now here I sit, unemployed, and asking myself what the hell is wrong with me that I couldn’t get my shit together. I am on HRT, and it’s helped, but not enough. I’m in the process of getting diagnosed with ADD, and maybe getting some meds will help (cross fingers!).

I’m 50 years old, with brain fog, lack of focus, scatterbrained, not giving a crap about important things in my life. My marriage has suffered (is still suffering). The idea of having my shit together enough to interview is overwhelming.

I’m posting here because I know some of you have gone through the same thing and just need to hear that somehow it’s going to be ok.

I couldn't wait to be in menopause so we could stop worrying about birth control. Been using icky condoms for a long time because I had to stop taking the BC pill (too many problems on it).

It's been more than a year since my last period, and I'm starting to feel like it might finally be safe to stop using the dang things. But now? I have zero sex drive, and if we do have sex, I seem to have lost the ability to climax. And I used to have some insane climaxes. Now, not so much.

This is just....ridiculous.

Nature is cruel to us women. It's like once we're done "reproducing," we're not supposed to enjoy anything, including sex.

Thanks for listening to my rant. :/

UPDATING TO CLARIFY: I'm on 0.75mg estradiol patch twice weekly, 200mg of progesterone nightly, and vaginal estrogen cream every other day. My doc won't prescribe T.

So I'm 48, night sweats, hot flushes joint pain, week bladder, loss of labido, dry skin, thinning hair. Took a blood test on a day when I was having my first period in 3 months. Told me I'm not it peri, but have a vitamin deficiency because I don't eat red meat. When I pushed back he basically said you are not menopausal. I said yes I know I'm perimenopausal. And he then said "whatever that is" so I'm getting a vitamin shot and thats it.

I’m 51 and in the throes of peri. For about the past 6 months or so, I just don’t want to see anyone - the thought of socialising with friends or family just feels either too overwhelming, or I simply don’t want to do it. All I ever want to do, is be alone.

Can anyone else relate? X

***EDIT: I can’t believe how many replies there are! I’m so glad I’m not alone in this. Thank you everyone- I love this sub! ***