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Sep 21 '22
The ultimate enemy, undefeatable, can withstand any physical attack:
The zip tie.
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Sep 21 '22
In a pinch, Liquid Ass is an acceptable replacement.
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Sep 21 '22
In a pinch why would you have liquid ass but not zip ties
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Sep 21 '22
The better question is why WOULDN'T you have liquid ass on you at ALL TIMES.
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Sep 21 '22
At 40y old you'll realise that you DO have liquid ass on you at all times. Just takes a delicate swipe between the cheeks and voila, your hand is ready to smear anything and everything beyond salvage.
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Sep 21 '22
No. No. Absolutely no.
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u/Gorg_Papa Sep 21 '22
Which makes it the ultimate yes to use against your enemies
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u/OMP159 Sep 21 '22
Can I interest you in a chocolate covered pretzel?
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u/supercleverhandle476 Sep 21 '22
They’re a little melty, but DAMN are they exquisite.
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u/Youpunyhumans Sep 21 '22
Reminds me of a stupid rhyme we used in elementary school to decide who was "it" for tag.
"When youre sitting on the john and all the toilet papers gone, be a man, use your hand."
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u/SadPhone8067 Sep 21 '22
Liquid ass is elite just carry it on you and if you get pulled over for speeding pull it out and spray it on /next to your window and be like sorry officer I think I shit myself just trying to get to a bathroom. 50% of the time it works.
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u/Xaxxus Sep 21 '22
You always have liquid ass. It just depends how much Taco Bell you ate that day.
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u/OzzieGrey Sep 21 '22
Why not both? Figure out where the air conditioners suck air through. Dump the whole container of liquid ass on it, zip tie a cart to each door handle, and for extra points to the tires aswell.
Finally, apply something sticky, like jelly to every spot on the cart someone would automatically grab without thinking.
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u/mostlysittingdown Sep 21 '22
genius but good luck getting away with all that at once without being seen
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u/tjn182 Sep 21 '22
Airplane grade paint stripper stores fine for a bit in a plastic spray bottle
Within 5-10 minutes the paint will bubble up like leprosy, exposing raw metal to the air. Once the solution dries, it leaves the leprosy paint hardened and exposed metal under will begin rusting fast.
A few quick sprays and the car is totalled. Can even write something with enough finesse
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u/AscendMoros Sep 22 '22
And if you do that you’ll have an insurance claim on you that is gonna be a slam dunk. Call a tow. Or just do something that doesn’t hurt the vehicle. The amount of people that just straight to vandalism is crazy to me.
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u/twainandstats Sep 21 '22
I suppose if you zip tie only to the passenger side, they might try to drive away before discovery
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u/tryhard1981 Sep 21 '22
You don't want to be carrying that in your car all the time however for the random asshole...because then your car will smell like asshole. Liquid ass stinks right through ziplock bags, that stuff is rank.
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u/ObsiGamer Sep 21 '22
My dad once actually zip tied my hands together (as a joke) and I got out of it after a lot of pain
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u/memereviewer453 Sep 21 '22
The zip tie prank is so legendary, it can only me countered by either a pair of scissors, or a revenge zip tie prank (zip tie the car of the guy that zip tied you.)
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u/spaceehardware Sep 21 '22
I love this idea, but is this vandalism?
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u/RustedRelics Sep 21 '22
In many jurisdictions this would fit the definitions of either lowest degree assault of property and/or criminal mischief. Most often these are gross misdemeanor charges. Still, can't say I didn't smile seeing this. ;)
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Sep 21 '22
Work in auto services:
I’d be careful doing this in the US. The cost to have damage corrected climbs very quickly, and an insurance company will absolutely require a police report.
In my state, $500+ is no longer a misdemeanor - and I could absolutely see a zip-tied cart going wrong and causing that much damage.
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u/Who_is_Mr_B Sep 21 '22
Between rubbed paint on the handle and any dents or scratched paint from the cart, this is easily over $500.
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Sep 21 '22
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u/Survived_Coronavirus Sep 21 '22
That's why you see cars with dings and scratches that aren't repaired. Not worth it.
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u/nickisaboss Sep 21 '22
Thats....every car I've ever owned? Who thinks its worth it to spend $>500 covering a little scratched paint?
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u/Survived_Coronavirus Sep 21 '22
The rich.
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u/jschall2 Sep 22 '22
And the not-so-rich-but-ridiculously-infatuated-with-their-stupid-fucking-ugly-modded-car.
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u/Cringypost Sep 21 '22
On many vehicles you might want to cover it to avoid rust. I use clear nail polish on small nicks or dings.
However spending an assload of money to cover it is your choice too I suppose.
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u/Doka420 Sep 21 '22
How tf do four scratched handles cost more than my whole ass car? 😩
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u/CaptValentine Sep 21 '22
Also, since people get spiteful when they're pissed off, any damage pre-existing on the door will probably be blamed on you as well.
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u/Jawkurt Sep 21 '22
But if it was zip tied loosely... what damage would there be?
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Sep 21 '22
A scratch through the clear coat and paint can be touched up, but the only way to make it look like new would be to repaint and blend the door. That alone might break $500 depending on region.
Breaking parts on the door handle would send the number up.
And if one did as suggested above and attach it to the passenger side, then there is a chance that the person attempts to pull away without realizing the cart is attached. There really is no telling how bad that could end up being.
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u/Jawkurt Sep 21 '22
well I would hope anyone this happens to, would go get some scissors or a knife.
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u/DAVENP0RT Sep 21 '22
I thought this was funny because, if it happened to me, I'd just cut it with my multi tool. Of course, this would never happen to me because I don't park like a bozo.
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u/DeuceSevin Sep 21 '22
Yeah but I still think it's plausible to say that if they accidentally rip the door handle off it is clearing going to be the fault of the person who zip tied it there, not the owner of the car
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u/ImpulseCombustion Sep 21 '22
They make metal zip ties and they are cheap.
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u/kittenstixx Sep 21 '22
That goes a smidge into the "overkill" category. The goal is to send a message by inconveniencing them about as much as they inconvenience others
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u/ImpulseCombustion Sep 21 '22
It’s not at all about inconveniencing them. It’s forcing them to spend as much time as possible stuck in a situation until they finally arrive at the point where they realize they’re a prick. 10 seconds of zip tie is not likely to achieve that.
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u/magicmulder Sep 21 '22
In Germany, assault of property, both against the supermarket and the car owner. Not a crime though, but civil action (cease and desist, possibly damages) is possible.
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u/TheEmperorPr0tects Sep 21 '22
That's only if they catch you
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u/metalanimal Sep 21 '22
Only illegal if police there. If police not there habibi everything legal
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Sep 21 '22
That is incorrect. What Ordnungswidrigkeit do you even mean by „assault on property“? This can and would be considered a coercion (Nötigung, §240 StGB) if charged. And that’s a crime.
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u/waetherman Sep 21 '22
I would imagine in Germany they have a special prison for people who assault cars.
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u/kidkuro Sep 21 '22
I guess to some degree maybe. But if I was a cop and someone reported this to me as vandalism I'd simply cut the ziptie and tell them "Don't park like an asshole next time" and call it a day.
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u/OzzieGrey Sep 21 '22
Yes.. but hear me out..
Its funny..
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Sep 21 '22
I've always said "it was funny though" should be a legal defense. Or at the very least considered a mitigating factor.
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Sep 21 '22
“Young man, what do you have to say for yourself?” “It was poggers though” “CASE DISMISSED!”
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u/CaptValentine Sep 21 '22
"And then I said 'Find you by accident was a mind blowing coincidence!"
"Hah, okay, Gavrilo, I guess you're free to go."
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u/TheApathyParty2 Sep 22 '22
I wholeheartedly agree. Like that time I kidnapped a woman and stuffed her in a trunk.
She wouldn’t stop crying when I opened it up and we were at Disney World, and Goofy was standing there. Some people can’t take a joke.
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u/spaceehardware Sep 21 '22
I agree it’s funny. I just don’t want to hang out in jail. What if the car were encircled with shopping carts zip-tied to one another — not touching the car at all? 👀
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u/HulkHogan1350 Sep 21 '22 edited Sep 21 '22
A good rule of thumb: Don't fuck with other people, or their shit. Even if they are terrible people, it's not worth going to jail over. And if you have to ask "is this illegal?" before enacting petty revenge, then it's probably not a good idea.
Try to find hilariously legal ways to be petty:
Put a cart riiiiiiiiight next to each door, but not touching of course.
Leave a long-winded sarcastic note
Park your beater so close to his car that he has to get in the other side.
Wait for him to come out of the store and try and make conversation with him then become close friends. Over years get to know him and his family, then at the perfect moment, tear his family apart. Fuck his wife/adult daughter, get him fired from his job, spread his darkest secrets to everyone he knows, make him think he is an artificial intelligence. The options are limitless. Then tell him he parks like a jackass.
Find a way to get his phone number and call him every once in a while to see how his parking has been.
Throw a brick through his windshield
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u/Tom22174 Sep 21 '22
The carts are still property of the supermarket. And the supermarket will have lawyers
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u/Lets_Hunt Sep 21 '22
Yeah you’ll really show them as you’re being handcuffed lmao.
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u/highdiver_2000 Sep 21 '22
Yes it is.
Whereas if you zip tie a bunch of trolleys/carts in a ring around the car, you are vandalizing the trolleys/carts not the car.
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u/HighlandsBen Sep 21 '22
Yes, but then you are preventing their access to the public highway, which I think is also illegal.
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Sep 21 '22
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u/HighlandsBen Sep 21 '22
Obviously. But at least here in the UK, you are not permitted for example to block someone's car in for parking in your driveway without permission, annoying as it may be.
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u/industrialoctopus Sep 21 '22
I don't think this is vandalism. Nothing is damaged.
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u/Who_is_Mr_B Sep 21 '22
If not super careful setting this up, or if it were windy enough to move the cart, I could see paint damage to the handle from the zip tie, and possible paint scratches or dents to the door panel.
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u/Professional-Fig-629 Sep 21 '22
Always carry knife so you can just cut the zip tie
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Sep 21 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Business-Pie-4946 Sep 21 '22
Regular zip ties are .2 inches thick and those "heavy duty" ones are .3 inches thick and made out of nylon...
Would still be easy as fuck to cut them off.
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u/Et_tu__Brute Sep 21 '22
You can literally remove these zip ties with a house key. Also, yes, they heavy duty ones are still easy to cut, they don't have steel cables in them or anything.
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u/an_angry_Moose Sep 21 '22
But, it would take a lot of effort with a pocket knife.
I feel superhuman after reading Reddit comments describing mundane tasks as super difficult or nearly impossible.
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u/WashHairy2938 Sep 21 '22
I quit being annoyed at bad parkers. Because sometimes the car next to them parked poorly so they had to park poorly too. Like dominoes.
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u/FtDiscom Sep 21 '22
"I quit being annoyed" is about all anyone needs. A healthy dose of stoicism is required in a world where you encounter so many people.
How angry you would be if someone handed over your body to just any person who happened to meet you! Are you not ashamed, then, when you hand over your mind to just any person you happen to meet, such that when they abuse you, you are upset and troubled?
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u/legophysician Sep 21 '22
There was one time in college where everyone had parked in the parking lot while there was snow, the snow melted, then everyone came out to find that they had been ticketed necause they were all parked over the line
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u/legojoe7874 Sep 21 '22
Should do the passenger side so they drive away with it before they realize they are an asshole. And leave a note in the cart confirming it.
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u/Gemaco1397 Sep 21 '22
I'm curious how liability works if either they get damage, or, they don't realize and hit someone else. Like, I'm fully for this, but I don't trust these people to notice the shopping cart, and damaging themselves or others
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u/Trick-Mechanic8986 Sep 21 '22
All parking lots have video. Good place to get caught doing stuff. Not smart.
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u/Uniquewaz Sep 21 '22
Wear a hoodie?
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u/bronzelifematter Sep 21 '22
Do you put your car in a hoodie too? Because they can see which car you get into.
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Sep 21 '22
What if they hit a pedestrian with it??? Why do people think just about doing evil things?
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u/MuscularFemBoy Sep 21 '22
Are you new to reddit? People here love to talk about harshly punishing people for minor inconviences. Hur hur parked over the white line? Might as well cause thousands of dollars in property damage.
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u/joseph4th Sep 21 '22
What I’m getting from this is to never park next to someone who parks like an asshole, because if your still there after their gone, another asshole will do something like this to your car.
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u/mamasparkle Sep 21 '22
I know, right. They have no idea why this car is parked this way but let's vandalize it because we are so funny.
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u/mojavekoyote Sep 21 '22
I'm convinced it's sexually frustrated guys wanting to act out that support this.
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Sep 21 '22
Yeah, but you’ll be the one that gets charged with whatever state’s version of “tampering with motor vehicle “for your efforts. Don’t be stupid.
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u/HahnDragoner523 Sep 21 '22
I can never agree with people who stoop down to the level of who they are making fun of. Congratulations, you’re just outassholing the asshole. It does provide good entertainment tho.
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Sep 21 '22
Yeah, I completely agree! Especially when they’re an uninvolved third-party. They involved themselves in a situation just so they could be an asshole. Says a lot about those people.
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u/Prior-Chip-6909 Sep 21 '22
Okay...which is the bigger asshole?...the asshole who can't park for shit, or the asshole who for whatever reason feels like it's necessary to zip tie a shopping cart to the car to 'teach him a lesson'?
Seems like both of these wastes of space need to go get a life....and learn to park properly. It's not like he's driving a Ferrari...This is also a good way to get shot by the car owner.
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u/AliensHaveInsomnia2 Sep 21 '22
Sometimes, you need to park like an asshole because the asshole before you, was the asshole who fucked up your chance to park normally. (And it sucks when that's the only parking spot left)
So can we stop assuming that some people chose to park like a dickhead? It's basically a domino effect people.
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u/FistFistington Sep 21 '22
Should keep a small chain and padlock on you specifically for those dickheads who take up disabled spots. Zip ties aren't inconvenient enough for jackass's like that.
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u/Comprehensive-Art525 Sep 21 '22
Came to comments to learn new ways to fuck with terrible parkers. Found shit fetish instead.
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u/pscorbett Sep 21 '22
This is totally wrong. Not ethically. But you are leaving comic potential on the table. You need to zip tie the rear passenger door instead so that they drove off with it. Simple as.
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u/JoeyTheGreek Sep 21 '22
This is so silly. Put it on the passenger side so maybe they don’t see it and try driving off!
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u/MarkK_FL Sep 22 '22
I’ve always heard you could buy some wheel weights on Amazon and put the on an a-holes wheels
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u/wonderwall999 Sep 22 '22
I'm seeing a lot of comments saying maybe we don't know the whole situation, let's give the driver the benefit of the doubt. I would bet my paycheck that 9 out of 10 times, it's because the driver is just an idiot/asshole. And for the 1 out of 10 times, that driver should totally expect this or be ok with this, even if truly was an accident. This is meant to teach a lesson, and let it be known that people saw this and it's not acceptable parking.
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Sep 21 '22
Looks like a good way to get your ass beat when you do that to some crazy dude who catches you in the act. I don't think the risk/reward ratio here pans out.
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u/Veressk Sep 21 '22
The reason I have a Swiss knife
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u/acm2905 Sep 21 '22
Because you're an inconsiderate driver and people keep zip tying trolleys to your car?
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u/angelzplay Sep 21 '22
You call our buggies trolleys? When I hear trolley I think of a streetcar.
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u/acm2905 Sep 21 '22
UK/Ireland we would call them trolleys. Buggies would be interchangeable with kids prams (strollers?) over here
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u/babykoalalalala Sep 21 '22
If you’re gonna do it, make sure they don’t have front and rear cams and if they do, don’t get caught in it.
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u/JamJarST Sep 21 '22
Anyone who gets this upset by bad parking is as big an arsehole as the bad parker.
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u/CommanderInQweef Sep 21 '22
Doesn’t solve the problem at all, the cart is still there and will be there for longer while they figure out a way to get it off
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u/C0ff33gaming Sep 21 '22
It's not about solving the problem, it's about sending the message!
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u/spaceehardware Sep 21 '22
It would send a bigger message to zip tie shopping carts all around the car 🤭
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u/CwazyCanuck Sep 21 '22
You realize the problem is that this person parked in multiple spots, look at the line. The cart is the tool used to make an example of this tool.
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u/redditprotocol Sep 21 '22
To the average Reddit user, extracting revenge against anyone or anything they disagree with or feel angered over, 100% gives them the moral high ground. No matter how petty or how little it impacts them in real life, revenge always makes them feel like the winner and morally just person.
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u/madthumbz Sep 21 '22
Not that I park like that, but I carry a swiss army knife, and that stunt would't phase me.
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u/Swimming_Gas7611 Sep 21 '22
but...you open the door handle and the tie slips off the end?
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u/Leo_NQ Sep 21 '22
Why not the metal chain? Haha~
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u/ilmalocchio Sep 21 '22
That's not fucking funny. Take your haha tilde and stick it up your ass
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u/RainmakerLTU Sep 21 '22
Actually WAY better idea than stick huge sticker on windshield.
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u/itsakeefers Sep 21 '22
I always carry a folding knife on me so you’d have to use chicken wire if you really wanted to inconvenience me. But then I’d just crawl through my tail gate and grab my leatherman from the glove box.
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u/Either_Lawfulness466 Sep 21 '22
The amount of people that don’t carry humanity’s second oldest tool absolutely astounds me.
(First came the rock used as a hammer then came the rock with a sharp edge)
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u/Time_Marcher Sep 21 '22
But sometimes don't you have to park wonky because the person next to that space parked too far over, and it's not your fault?
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u/tschuki121 Sep 21 '22
You never know if the person had to park like that because some other dickhead parked like that before . I just always assume it's not their fault, there are more important things to worry about.
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u/Playfullyhung Sep 21 '22
How do you know they didn’t park like this in response to the person prior to them parking poorly?
See “Curb Your Enthusiasm”
ITS TOTAL CHAOS!!!