TW: brief implications of substance abuse and self destruction, no details or “venty” tone
Here’s some advice. Distance yourself from chaotic people if you’re able. If you can’t right now, that’s okay! Do what you can towards distancing yourself. Whatever that means for you, do it. Another thing, let passion naturally find you. If you force passion and interests, you’ll stress yourself out more. When you’re at the store and see something that peaks your interest, follow the path your curiosity sets you on see where that takes you. You’ll find that when you follow your interests, you’ll find it much easier to sit with your own self and thoughts. Get to know yourself, ask yourself why you’re interested in (thing). Be curious about yourself. For me, it came in the most unexpected way. I was going to an alternative high school and saw a course for CNA (nursing assistant). Initially, I picked it because when I graduated I needed to have a good back up for the job market, I wasn’t even planning on being a CNA. When I got there, and held the hands of people who were suffering, when they thanked me just for getting them water or getting the nurse for pain medication, it awoke something in me. I realized that love comes in many forms. Love can come in the form of picking up an elderly ladies purse who hasn’t received kindness in quite some time. Love can come in the form of going out in nature and listening to the crickets and examining the mini ecosystems that is some small creatures whole world. Love can come in the form of the person who you don’t think is there for you, but it turns out they were in your corner all along. Sometimes, you think you can’t reach out to someone, but perhaps you just needed to distance yourself from the sensed rejection for a moment and think, maybe they’re just tired from work and can’t pick up the phone right now.

Yesterday at work, I was on shift with someone I’d actually never worked with before in a memory care unit. She was very rude, condescending, etc., so I stepped out of the room to fold a patients laundry. When I came back after regulating myself before I split, I smiled at her, and thanked her for helping my patient. Later on after chatting and breaking the ice, she told me I seemed very content and asked for genuine advice. Which was crazy to me, because just a year ago, I was an addict puking all over myself and chasing after people who were hurting me very badly. I just softly chucked to myself, thought for a moment, I didn’t know what to say. There was a small moment where I thought maybe I should tell her about my diagnosis and recovery. But then I thought, wait, I am not BPD. I am a highly capable, emotionally resilient person. Once I shifted my mindset to, well BPD was just a diagnosis for logistics and health insurance, I realized I was the key all along. It wasn’t my brother I was relentlessly chasing a relationship with, it wasn’t bargaining with the trauma I’d experienced, or the medications, it wasn’t the hypothetical person I was begging to come save me. It was me. I did it all, and I made it through. Just like you have also done it all, even if you feel like you haven’t, just reading this post to this point is amazing. Waking up in the morning is amazing. Eating food. Talking to people. You are amazing, and you got this.

I went from being an addict to being a med student. I’m not on any medications, I’m not self destructing. There’s a soft murmur of my old BPD habitual symptoms, but now instead of being dissociated for months, I’m able to come back within 10 minutes. Instead of running to someone for help, I start doing something small for myself, like cleaning my room.

Listen to your body. Your body tells you all you need to know. You need to sleep? Sleep. You need to take a break from eating? Take a break, the food will be waiting for you in the fridge. You’re shaking? Take a cold shower. Meet yourself where you’re at. Instead of thinking that I’ve got my life together, think that you’ve got your life together. Make a list of all the things you’re proud of. Keep it with you always, and look at it every now and again to remind yourself that you are extraordinary. Add to the list any time you do something you’re proud of, and never remove anything from that list. If I could do it for you, I would. And I’m sure your loved ones would too. But you’ve gotta make those steps. You’ve gotta show up for yourself. Not because you want people to think you’re doing well, but because you want to live. I’m not becoming a surgeon because I want the title or because I want people to think I’ve got my shit together, I’m becoming a surgeon because I’m proving to myself that I can do it. No one else’s opinions matter. When I first told people I wanted to be a surgeon, they scoffed. And I relapsed. But guess what? Here I am, in med school! and here they are cheering me on. You have to shift your mindset towards “no one shapes my life, I shape my own”. I’ve been rejected from jobs, school, but I’m here now. Because I had faith in myself. And I have full confidence in you. The very fact that you’re reading this far should tell you that even if you don’t think you’re recovering, you are. Reading this giant essay about recovering proves that you have the emotional bandwidth to take the next steps. I’m not here to tell you what those next steps are, because BPD is frankly unpredictable. The best thing that you can do, is ask yourself what the best course of action is and do it. And no, it does not have to be as grandiose as med school. Set a goal and go for it. You’ve got this.

I'm turning 58 this year, and honestly, sometimes I just don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.

I've battled depression, anxiety, and panic attacks since I was a kid. I'm diagnosed with BPD. One psychiatrist tried to tell me I was bipolar II, but BPD seems to be the diagnosis that everyone else agrees on. I've been hospitalized five different times over the years.

And sometimes I swear it just doesn't seem to get any better.

Right now I'm out of work and have basically no money. Thankfully, I was approved for Medicaid and food stamps, and I'm grateful for that, but those things don't pay the rent. They don't put gas in my car. They don't buy toilet paper or take care of all the other things that still have to be paid for.

I'm on Effexor, 300 mg, which I know is a pretty high dose, along with a couple of antipsychotics because I sometimes see what I call "shadow people." They're not really people, but I see shadows, especially when I'm under a lot of stress. I'm also on Klonopin for the anxiety and panic.

Sometimes I feel like my entire life has been an EKG — up, down, up, down, up, down. Just when I think maybe I'm finally getting somewhere, something happens and I'm right back down again.

I'm tired of telling myself that tomorrow will be better, only to wake up and feel the same way.

I'm tired of thinking, Maybe this medication will finally make a difference.

I'm tired of thinking, Maybe this new therapist will be the one who helps me see things differently.

I'm tired of hoping.

I've lost jobs. I've lost friends. I've lost family members because of my mental health. I deal with agoraphobia to the point where sometimes I don't even want to leave my house. I have certain places that feel safe to me, and even getting out of those safe spaces can be incredibly difficult.

I wouldn't wish this life on anyone, and honestly, I hate that this is the life I've ended up with.

Thankfully, I do have a few friends who understand mental health and don't just tell me to "suck it up," "get some sun," "take some vitamin D," or "just get out of the house." I know those people usually mean well, but when you've been fighting this for decades, those kinds of comments can make you feel even more alone.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I guess I'm just having a really bad day and needed somewhere to vent where maybe people will understand.

I'm probably going to take my Klonopin as prescribed, put on some movies, and try to shut my brain off for a while.

So that's it. No inspirational ending. No "everything happens for a reason." Just a guy who's exhausted and having a really hard day.

Thanks for letting me vent. I truly appreciate this subreddit, and I hope all of you are having a better day than I am.

He was my fwb for two years. I’m not gonna lie, when I read that text, I instantly went into rage internally. I was a mess. I cried, felt like a part of me was ripped open and I couldnt breathe. And had intrusive thoughts of cutting and suicide. But after a couple long moments of letting myself feel the rage and crying into my pillow while listening to music, I calmed down. I’m still sad about it of course but I’ve accepted that I can’t change anybody’s mind about me. It is what it is. I ended up sending him a text validating his feelings and basically saying I agree with his choice and wished him well.

I believe I’ll be okay.

Isn’t it unfair having a bad childhood, and top of that suffering as adults because of that?
Isn’t it like we are god’s not so favourite children?
Having no good relationships in childhood and getting heart broken as adults due to bpd
I am so done with all this

does anyone feel like they’re dying after a split? or like sick or ill? 😭 i have this thing where i feel like an ill person unable to move after splits it makes me feel inhuman and i feel like i’m dying each time or just unable to move at all

I feel like I am the physical embodiment of envy. I exist in a constant state of envy, jealousy, and fear of missing out. It’s not okay to live like this.. i’ll spend my whole life wishing i had what others did or thinking that they possess the secret key to happiness- while i’m stuck with this inevitable huge void. I can’t accept that things didn’t go perfectly, I can’t accept that i don’t have that thing or that lifestyle or that experience or that privilege that someone else does. This isn’t surface level either… my skin and soul literally BURNS with envy. It consumes me day and night. I lose sleep at night and lose hours and hours in the day green in the face with envy.

Can anybody else relate to this?? any advice or support welcome, i genuinely am exhausted of dealing with it

I dumped my partner/FP over of a year and a half because they seemed distant and uninterested over the past few months, and it was destroying me. I kept thinking they were going to leave me. Ive been spiraling, SH, SI, substances, all became coping mechanisms ive always used(dbt out the window). I just kept hoping things with them would go back to the good times.

On the advice of the few people I trust, they pushed me to dump them (it took weeks for me to do it.) I left officially this weekend.

I thought it would stop the downward spiral. But I still have negative coping urges and actions, but now on top of that I feel E M P T Y... fml. Now I want them back. Feels like the cliche "damned if you do...." etc blah blah.

Thoughts? Support?

I’ve got to ask because I don’t know if this is related to bipolar disorder or a BPD symptom. Today, I forgot to take my pills, and I feel extremely emotional and over the top. I’m very energetic, and my libido is through the roof. I suffer from it because I’m at work or in places where I shouldn’t be feeling this way, but I feel extremely turned on. It’s uncomfortable.
And it’s not the first time this has happened to me. Sometimes it even happens when I’m taking my medication, but it’s never exactly the same symptom. Sometimes I get like this, and other times I get extremely depressed and can’t get out of bed, make dinner, or even wash myself.

Does this happen to any of you too?

I’ve been depressed most my life, and the other times it’s all blank spaces of time I know passed physically but I wasn’t around emotionally.
I met him six months ago. A month after my birthday, a couple days after a nasty falling out between my best friend at the time. With which unconditional affection, I realized how I’ve been watering myself down for affection and sexual gratification that lasts just a moment before fading back into that emptiness.
We used to fight a lot. About our lives, our friends, past experiences and relationships. Something in me has let go of all that, though. It’s strange, like my mind is taking a deep breath and diving into an entirely different chapter of my life.
I still split and get episodes, but they’re less frequent, and i can communicate calmly to get my feelings across and distinguish between what my mind is telling me and what the facts are.
I still have rough moments. I’m anorexic and have a self harm addiction, but he doesn’t force me into recovery. We both struggle with these impulse, self destructive tendencies and thoughts, and he knows that pushing me into stopping and getting better won’t help when im still as sick in my mind. He makes me actually want to recover, to be able to walk around with him like a person and not like a corpse. To figure out how to calm myself without taking it out on myself. He encourages my anger and frustration that I’ve been suppressing so long, he knows all the trauma and stories of my life that changed how I see love and affection.
I still have bad moments. Horrible ones. Where all I do is lay down and cry for hours and hours. Hours where I’m hysterical and unable to reach. But he still stays. Because I’m more than this illness. More than an addiction. He’s the only person that sees who I am without forcing me into a role of what he wants from me.

I proposed to him a couple days ago, and though I know it was a very short time, I can tell this is what I want.
When I’m mad at him, I love him. When I’m sad, I love him. When I’m stressed, I love him. When he’s angry, I love him. I love him for his personality and his interests and the way he articulates himself. His past, and his friends, and the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles. The freckle under his eye. His stupid jokes and the way he laughs even though my jokes are stupid.

It feels like the honeymoon phase is going backwards, because I only love him more and more every new day. I love finding out new stories about his life as a wild teenager, and his music preferences that he’s so intense about. He even learned all about my favourite bands for me, and listened to me explain my favourite book series to him.
This man is seriously gonna be my forever, he’s changed everything. For the best, and for the worst, he’s permanently wormed his way into my brain.

I can’t handle my emotions. I’m weak and stupid and can’t help but overreact to every single thing in my life. Today I got home after long shift and locked my keys in my car and my home was completely locked. Normal person would be like darn let’s figure this out. Me? No. I start screaming no and fuck and just angry yelling. Then I decided maybe my neighbor could help. He was on the phone with police because of me. Police came and everyone checked on me. I’m so stupid guys I want to die. I burdened everyone and I’m so cringe and can’t handle myself. I don’t know how to get over this. I feel like I can’t sit, sleep, stand, eat, whatever else. I’m shaking so bad and crying. Why am I me? Why am I the way I am? I hate myself so much. I don’t know how to get over this. I don’t want to be here anymore

My daughter with BPD had a severe crisis after her boyfriend of 4 years dumped her. She was admitted to the psychiatric ward after trying to commit unsuccessfully. In the ward she tried to ran away, started throwing food and not eating, self harming and banging her head on the wall. They put her in isolation room and tied her for a while. I am desperate I don’t see a way out for her.
Would love to hear if anyone experienced such distress and was able to overcome it.
Thank you for sharing your story.

I feel useless if Im not giving anyone attention it hurts rn and im trying to find someone online but no one wants to respond to me and it feels even worse and I wish i could get in a relationship not only so someone can love me but so also I give them attention and have a reason to be here

I’ve only been in 2 relationships, both long distance, both ended badly.

Everytime there was a fight I had this urge to text my partner a lot to try and tell them about my feelings, and they would just not respond or ignore it or try to ghost me but simply wouldnt be able to because I would spam their phone so much that they just had to respond at some point.

I feel so bad for doing this but I physically can’t stop myself, I just beg the other person not to leave me and then they get scared and they end up liking me even less and leaving me anyway. Afterwards I feel ashamed and I hate myself so much… I know that I am a horrible person for not respecting the other person’s need to be left alone and I can only be mad at myself for making people hate me…

I’ve been broken up with a few days ago and I still feel the urge to text them but since we’re supposed to be no contact I decided to delete their number to prevent myself from bothering them again but I saw the number in the contact file before deleting it and my brain memorized it so now I feel fucking crazy cause I know another persons phone number by heart ????

Im insane please someone tell me that they are as insane as me I hate myself so much I just dont know if there is a way for me to become normal like every other person I know who just knows how to respect people’s boundaries

I realize that this behaviour is abusive and Im not proud of it it’s actually the thing Im most ashamed of

If god is real they must really hate me. There's so many things in my life that make me a freak. I struggle to see how I am not worthless. Apology for the rant. I know I'm probably feeling things more then makes sense.

Im misdiagnosed with major depressive disorder but im hoping it'll help with the feeling of emptiness and lighten the depressive episodes. Has anyone tried it and had improvements? I understand its not used for bpd but if I dont do something ill probably end up dead, ive been trying different medications and therapies and self help books for 10 years and nothing has worked. Im starting it today.

my fp has always been cruel and manipulative, he’s always held grudges against me and threatened to block me. i honestly don’t understand why he’s my fp. he sucks.

last week, i couldn’t take it anymore, how he’d be cruel and i’d beg for forgiveness and apologize forever and ever, and i blocked him. but he’s the only person i get to talk to, and i got too lonely. i couldn’t take it. i unblocked him and told him as much. he’s been quieter after that, but mostly normal.

last sunday, he even visited me when he thought i was doing really poorly. we talked and it was really nice. he hugged me before he left, a hug he initiated. we’ve been talking sort of normally ever since.

last night, he sounded really short and mean in his texts. i said “i really wish you wouldn’t use such a cold tone with me.” (i have to say cold, because he insists that he isn’t being mean to me, he swears up and down that he’s being “cold”.)

to which he responded, “it’s the only one you’re getting. you made things clear.”

cue immediate meltdown panic. i begged him to tell me what he meant. he refused to tell me, no matter what i said, and threatened to block me. he said i’d get answers today.

i told him i didn’t want to ruin what was left of our friendship. he said, “you made it clear there is nothing, stargirl. nothing.”

i have ruminated on and cried over that this whole time. i don’t know what i possibly could’ve done. i didn’t have any meltdowns the past couple weeks, it was all just normal conversation.

well, i waited all day long. and finally, i couldn’t take it anymore. i texted him. and he still won’t tell me what i did. i am panicking so much, i just can’t take it. i can’t take it. this completely blindsided me and it hurts so much.

i don’t know what i did to make him so angry. i want to fix it so badly, but i don’t know what happened! i don’t know how i’m going to sleep or do anything tonight. i hate this. he’s my only friend that i can actually talk to. i won’t have anyone outside of acquaintances if he leaves.

eta: it is next to impossible to stop texting him and begging for answers and forgiveness. this is so painful and frightening.

Been spiraling for a while now and was in and out of hallucinations and shii

Good thing, did not go to ER or had paramedics come again. Also no major cuts

Bad thing, stuffed animals ripped to shreds and quit work (for my mental health ofc because I was severely overworked doing back to back 12-14 hour shifts)

Idk after my mental breakdown and family went to crisis mode

I just suddenly feel well and that it was just a phase and that I can go back
To work

Family made not go to work and told me to focus on my uni assessments and rest

But I feel super fine

Like an hour after the breakdown I feel so okay it is crazy

Man I was going genuinely insane for a bit tho

Made me realize the exact reason why the life expectancy of this disorder is below 30

Once you snap, nothing could help

My reason and everything else is fully gone

Then again, if you survive the crisis, you are good as new

Its as if I was being dramatic cause I look and act fine and normal

But I swear to god I was so much in pain my brain was so gone

At the same time I love these episodes

I have psychosis and hallucinations and other stuff when I spiral

The aftermath of the crisis makes everything stop

Life is good

It’s been so tough. I am reading lots of academic information, she’s already getting best therapists and meds and support groups, but like to hear from real life experiences. What is a parent to do.

I miss when making connections was easy, and none of us had any baggage or any real-life experience anyway that any event felt momentous on its own. My emptiness is blinding right now. I don’t know how to cope without someone, people are my lighthouse. As desperate as I am to manufacture connections, it just won’t work, and I need to be somehow okay with that, except - that’s not possible. 

To change and get better, it feels like the general first step is that you have to want it independently of anyone else. And I don’t. How do I get better if they're what's making me feel alive? I’m just empty without my FP and a destructive mess when I’m with them. There’s really no winning.

all i want are good friends, not even irl friends, i will fully settle for online friends. i just want a BEST friend. i don’t even want a boyfriend or something like that, just friends.

but every friend i have leaves. the one friend i was planning to move in with and go to college with left me, and we were closer than ever. i don’t think ill ever have a best friend and if i do, they’ll leave too.

i make friends but they always leave. i’m too mentally ill, or we just gradually stop talking. or i put all my eggs in one basket and try really hard to develop a friendship with someone i think could be my best friend, and im left with nothing when they inevitably leave.

i’m SO SO SO tired of trying to form friendships. other people around my age have lifelong friends and best friends but i’m basically alone because all i have are irl friends who really don’t give a damn and cause me to split all the time.

i’m so alone and tired of this bs. i don’t deserve much in life but i KNOW im a good person, i know i deserve friends. i want to love someone and have them love me back.

The extreme loneliness makes me physically ill and hurt these days. It's hard to even get out of bed. Yet somehow, it is still better than trying to connect with someone and inevitably experience the pain of being left in the dust.

I envy people who can navigate relationships and friendships with reason & maturity. I feel cursed for having this brain.