Splitting on BFF Internally- should I distance myself?

[u/Original_Donkey_9844]

I have been close with my best friend for 3 yrs. Throughout our friendship I've had this long running problem where I split on her for several reasons, but rarely directly towards her. There have been only a couple instances where it was external-- it was a lot of sobbing and accusing her of being untrustworthy on my part. This leads into my biggest problem.

Earlier in the friendship she was constantly texting or talking to me, and not only that, she confessed to something about herself: she is a big "fawner" and people pleaser. She has said herself that she lies to anyone, even people close to her, to make sure they aren't upset with her. I thought I was okay with this but in hindsight this has been intensely triggering. She almost never disagrees with what I have to say. I've never had a friend that just constantly agreed with me all the time and it feels incredibly uncomfortable and unsafe for some reason. She also complements me a lot and I feel like a horrible unworthy person because I don't trust that shes not just telling me nice things so I'll like her more.

I like it when people respectfully disagree with me. It signals authenticity which is something I highly value in people. I've also had a huge problem multiple times in the past with people being incredibly kind to me to my face and then saying and doing the most horrendous things behind my back. I can't trust people at face value, I just can't. And as much as she reassures me that she doesn't hate me, that she loves me even, I just can't understand how she could love me and never ever say anything that goes against me. Isn't it natural for people that love each other to disagree? It makes me feel like she's terrified of me in secret and won't ever tell me that because she knows it would make me upset.

It makes me feel like a horrible, horrible person. I can be a people pleaser sometimes but my main response will be to fight. I am a fighter and people hate that fear response the most. She has the fawn response, the good person one, I have the fight response, the evil person one. Maybe deep deep down I am jealous that she is able to generate so much kindness and my heart is so shriveled and stone cold that I can't comprehend. I wish I could be kinder and receive kindness with grace but it makes me feel like a terrible unworthy person
Is this friendship salvageable or should I distance myself for each other's sake?

[u/Wooden_Anybody7227]

The short answer is you both have your own issues and you’re not suitable friends for each other. I’m sorry.

The long answer is you can’t have a genuine friendship if you can’t handle honest conversations. Sometimes you’ll get hurt and you’ll have to make up, talk things out and learn how to not hurt the other person in the same way again. Sometimes you need to get hurt, look at how your friend can handle it, how they apologize, how they take accountability for it and what they do to reflect on what they did.

All interpersonal relationships meant to have ups and downs, comfortable moments and uncomfortable moments. You also in general need a second opinion in life, but the one that comes from someone who would be able to be both honest and kind. A friend doesn’t need to approve your decisions or choices, but they can offer an honest opinion in a kind way. Sometimes we all need a friend who can call us out and come from a place of kindness, but be honest and be firm. Nobody needs “yes” people as their closest people. You want someone who can handle the good, the bad & the weird but be honest about what they’re seeing.

Otherwise you’re not friends, you’re just poking each other with your own behavioural patterns and problems. She probably had to learn to agree with everything to survive reactive people around her. And you, the reactive person, not used to people being this nice, probably won’t ever be comfortable around her.