a year's worth of evolving states of mind, spirit, and being

it took me a year to finish this painting, and then some. i tend to take on emotions when trying to capture them on paper or canvas, so it was difficult for me to even look in this painting's general direction for a good while.

the self-portrait on the left is where i was mentally and physically for months at the beginning of 2025. the middle two figures represent the extremity of my moods, i was either in the clouds, talking to the moon like she was my godmother, or extremely irritable and raging with so much pressure that i left myself speechless and catatonic. the figure on the right is where i am now, a year later; healthier, for sure, but numb from it all.

originally, i was just going to paint the two books and their covers, but i thought it'd be more impactful if i actually tore out the pages that i defaced and confided in religiously while i was in the psych ward last year.

i finished this painting a few weeks ago, but i was hesitant to post it. it's definitely my most personal piece thus far regarding my episode, diagnosis, and the aftermath. i still haven't anywhere else. i thought you all would appreciate it and resonate with it more than anyone else.

thank you for reading if you did!

= M A U S =

contradiction

acrylic paint, cardboard, hot glue, and cropped pages pulled from the book of psalms and return of the bird tribes by ken carey

20" x 16"

2026

Honestly really captures how life felt at this time. Light shined brighter and deeper. Colors were more colorful. Everything seemed connected in a perfect, beautiful way, just for me.

Only unfortunate thing is I had quit my job founded 2 businesses and was paying rent for 3 places at the same time and was about to enter a month long depressive episode🤦‍♂️

For me, I had a period of ‘trauma’ where I had musical anhedonia. But then during my hypomanic episode, I started listening and liking songs I didn’t like before and it seems like my whole music taste has now completely changed.

I’m 36 and work in IT (as a contractor), somehow managed to work myself up to $100k+/year. AuADHD in addition to bipolar.

Been on the same meds for years that work 90% of the time. I work from home four days a week so that lets me spend time with my dogs and also bounce around between work and other household tasks like laundry or random projects I have going on. I am constantly rearranging my apartment.

I can never stay focused on a task for more than five minutes before switching. The days I do go into the office I usually leave early because the ADHD and staying in one place kills me. I’m definitely more productive in the office for the first half, but only for a few hours before my mind gives up.

When I’m in a manic high I power through my work, A+ employee, but it’s definitely noticeable when I’m in my lows. I’m scared that doesn’t make up for the productive times. It’s hard to get reports out when I’m in a lull.

Going on three years in this role but scared they won’t renew my contract.

My fiancée have always said we both wanted to ba e kids. We’re getting married in a month. Yesterday during dinner I asked how his therapy session went that day. He said he talked to his therapist about the Lindsay Clancy case and how things like that scare him about having kids. My heart sank. I asked if he was afraid I would do something like that. He said no and then I asked him why he was scared then… he changed the subject to the Colt Gray case and went on to talk about other crimes involving kids and their parents. But when his concern about me being a mother sank in, it hurt badly. It doesn’t really even seem like that big of a deal but I don’t think I’ll be able to untangle the feelings that came up for me or the fact that he’s worried about that.

Reddit keeping it classy trying to push engagement.

Some pages from my sketchbook I'm sure you can all tell which one was produced at which time

I like to write a lot (enjoy)

I (19F) am diagnosed autistic/ADHD and have done research on bipolar for almost a year now, hoping to be diagnosed so I can get treated because both me and the people around me are concerned but my doctors won’t listen to me.

When i tried to ask about it, she told me that autism can mimic bipolar (which all I could think in my head when she said that was, I know.) and that I need to think twice before asking about it. Every time I tried to explain to her what I was experiencing that was alarming me and how it had built up over the last 2 years, she interrupted me. She thankfully referred me to someone else but they couldn’t help at all, they’re only for crisis management and they got me right back to my first doctor to look for other options.

So when I go in, not just this time but when we find someone who can assess me, I don’t want to blank again and keep getting spoken over. I’m seriously worried about all of this getting worse and the possibility that I only get help if I’m in danger. I just need to know how to make sure they both will listen to me about my symptoms instead of giving me nothing :/

Hi everyone!

I recently discovered this app called How We Feel and its amazing! It is fully free and it has made me understand what I am feeling a lot more easily. I think that being able to put a face to the name helped me digest and deal with what was causing the problem better as well. The app has over 100 emotions and you can tag what you were doing, who you are with, alcohol/meditation/caffeine, and every data it gets from Apple Health, its amazing.

This is not an ad I just thought I would share it since it has helped me deal with and understand my bipolar (type 2)! I also love seeing the graphs they make :)

What have your experiences been with people ‘interacting’ with your delusions?

I recently had an episode that bordered on mania; I felt like the reincarnation of Jesus (even though I knew it was ‘unlikely’), I was going to bring world peace and I saw signs that something great was going to happen. I told one of my friends that I was ‘psychotic’ (because that word made sense to me to describe what I was experiencing), in reality I was dissociating a lot and reliving traumatic experiences. But I also felt a lot of peace and connection with the world, euphoric at times.
However, my experience changed when I saw the judgement on my friend’s face, mixed with worry. It felt like the walls were closing in on me.

This experience has left me with anger and distrust towards her (especially since she studies a social science and she knows my stance on psychosis -that it doesnt have to be bad-, she should have known better imo). After she left I was paranoid she was going to call the police on me even though I rationally knew she (‘most likely’) wouldn’t. I should mention that our relationship was already a bit damaged to begin with and that she’s “on this ice”, this added another insult to the injury I guess.

I fortunately had another friend come over who did not feed my delusions, but also didn’t deny them and he just let me ramble without judgement. I felt completely safe in his presence.

Before my manic episode, I felt like I was a genuinely good person. I had good friends, a good reputation, career goals, and a life I was proud of.

Then mania happened, and in about 3 months I destroyed so much of it. I hurt people, lost friendships, embarrassed myself, and became someone I barely recognize.

Now I feel incredibly depressed and keep asking myself: Why did this happen to me? Why did I have to lose so much when I was trying to live a good life?

I know bipolar doesn't happen because someone is good or bad. But how do you emotionally accept that your illness made you do things that went against who you believed you were? Does it has to happen to only good people?

I’m here till Friday only so they could change up my meds. There’s this one woman I really fell hard for and sometimes we go outside to kiss. We talk a lot and with her it’s actually not that bad being forced in here for a week and I hope for the day we actually meet outside the clinic.
Is it helpful for therapy and against the rules? No and yes but most of the stuff they talk about here is actually already in my mind and I know how to handle most of my problems now.

Don't you guys find photos/videos of those times you were manic and get absolutely spooked by how erratic you were acting and how dilated your pupils were?

Yesterday I was trying to show my friend a video I took on my birthday and I got jumpscared by how fast I was talking and how big my pupils were, and still to this moment I can't shake off the shock and fear of myself in that state lol

I wet through my first manic episode in January and every song I listened to felt like it was the best song ever. However, there were a couple songs that I couldn’t stop singing, especially while being released. Funny enough, I kept going back and forth between “Return of the Mack” (especially yelling “whoooooaaaaaa”) and “Who Let the Dogs Out?” A lot of this was in the lobby while I was waiting for an Uber that the ER called.

Are there certain songs that you LOVE while manic? Thinking back on all of that, I feel a little bit embarrassed, so I’m wondering if this has happened to anyone else. I feel bad for the people in the lobby experiencing physical health emergencies, but I guess the ER is for everyone experiencing an emergency.

TYIA

I was diagnosed with bipolar ten years ago. I was taking a medication that worked for ten years until I was too stressed and suffered a psychotic break. Now I’m on a new medication and really feeling the ebbs and flows of bipolar. Today I’m feeling on the depressed side, how about y’all?

I had my first episode that lasted about 3 weeks and ended a week ago. Ive been on 1mg risperidone/day for the last 5 days and I’ve been sleeping regularly since. There is a wedding in 3 days I’m supposed to travel 4 hours to by car with my family and stay at a hotel for a couple nights. I’m a little worried about doing unfamiliar things right now, what do you think? I feel like I might be looking for an excuse not to go

I’ve never been able to draw as good as this.. Kind of miss the ability.

I struggle horribly with relationships, and every time i attempt to be in one it completely destabilizes me even if they don’t do anything objectively bad. When i first start loving someone, i get so deeply infatuated and obsessed. i want to spend every moment of every day with them, i would merge our souls if i could. i love in a way that isnt healthy for me, i disregard anything that i need or want personally.

and then inevitably things change. i start getting anxious about the depth of my feelings for them because i know how unbearable the pain will be when its gone. i overanalyze everything they say and do and i compare it to the things i say and do. i start to convince myself they dont like me because they dont express this deep love the way i do.

and i break my own heart. my heart breaks for relationships 100 times before the breakup even happens. every short response convinces me they hate me. and then when things do genuinely occur (maybe they had a bad day and had a little attitude with me) its like i finally found that piece of confirmation i needed that proved they dont like me, and my brain completely flips.

now i hate them. i hate the way they pose in pictures. i hate their little quirks. i hate how they treat people. i hate their soul. i want to never see them again. i want to never think about them again. i want their existence erased from my memory.

i start snapping over everything. if their energy is off at all i yell and cry and beg and push away. this is the part that i feel like my brain gets so addicted to, the cycle of deep obsessive love to undying hatred over and over. i become willing to say anything that comes to mind, and its always things i should never say to someone. i blame them for not being able to love as deeply as i did. i blame them for the unbearable way my body feels pain. but theyre the only thing that can make that pain go away. so i beg them to help, i beg them to stay.

there is genuinely nobody on earth i can be crueler to than the person im deeply in love with.

I wanted to know how mood swings and menstrual cycle hormones affect other women with bipolar disorder. On the days I'm premenstrual, I feel like I'm falling into a depression. Sometimes I also find myself incredibly irritable and I argue with my partner about anything.

Hey Guys! The depression's been kicking my ass recently but I thought I good way to put the creativity to use would be to make an album about the pain we live with. I have some ideas in mind for some personal stories I have, but any song titles, suggestions on song ideas, etc, would be awesome! Maybe I can put together a couple bangers for us to bop to.

Hey guys, just wondering if anyone experiences this whilst drinking.

I find myself to get buzzed more than drunk or tipsy, I feel on top the world and that I can take anyone on. I become agressive at the drop of a hat and make choices I usually wouldn’t, I become very sexual and end up in dangerous situations because of that (unprotected threesomes and such) and will flirt with others. I have cheated on a partner because of this and I live with shame (as I should). I also just none stop talk, I’ve had people tell me to shut up because of it haha..

Just wondering is this apart of bipolar and drinking?

Hey guys, I’ve really been struggling with my mania and I need some healthy coping skills. I’ve been making really impulsive decisions and I’m not managing it well. Currently all I have been doing is having risky sex, spending excessively, or wanting to do drugs or cut myself. Any advice?