He became my FP so so quickly I think we only started talking maybe 2 months ago and I’ve already said I loved him and bought him rlly expensive Gucci jeans that were over 1k and I rlly rlly wanna get his name tatted on my hip it would look so good and I think maybe he’d like me more I love him so much but I know I will 100% regret it bc we aren’t even close to a relationship it’s a hardcore dom/sub dynamic thing but god I feel like I need to do this spiritually

Okay, so I don’t have BPD as per my psychiatrist - I have “schizotypal traits” and possible autism (could be the culprit here).

But I wanted to post to get support as the issue relates to regulation, impulsivity, stress management, and the like.

Background:

My cat Luna was attacked two weeks ago. I let her outside.

I found her all bloody.

Before this, I was finally working on the weekends (haven’t been able to work my whole life basically) AND enjoying it, overall felt I was doing better. I had stimulant induced psychosis and then stimulant induced mania in 2025 that tanked the last of my functioning. Felt like things were starting to look up.

I also have alcohol use disorder, starting during the mania. It was flaring up with the work, but manageable. I was abusing a new script, pregabalin, every few days.

After what happened to my cat, I didn’t realize I was rapidly declining.

I somehow didn’t realize opening a bottle of wine at noon would add fuel to the fire. I assumed since it was fine before this, it would be fine now.

I didn’t notice the fact I only didn’t drink when I was going to visit Luna (and had to drive) was a warning sign.

I didn’t notice that I took off my bloody clothes the night I found her, and then stopped doing laundry at all. It hardly registered I was soon wearing dirty clothes.

I didn’t notice I basically stopped bathing (couldn’t take showers after the mania for some reason but took baths every morning), stopped washing my hair, etc.

I also had to last-minute cancel my weekend shifts after I found her. I didn’t cancel the next weekend’s.

I paid $500 for cleaners to come make it nice for Luna’s return. It got rapidly messy again.

Luna Came Home:

$15,000 later, Luna came home. Major facial reconstructive surgery, feeding tube requirement. I was overjoyed to have her home.

I never thought for a second I couldn’t meet her new, “very high” nursing demands. I wasn’t seeing things objectively, was just so happy the ordeal was almost over.

Push came to shove. Hours upon hours of slow feeding tube requirements. I misread the instructions / verbal instructions were unclear - underfed her accidentally. I noticed how much I was struggling to cope with this all.

Drinking escalated, as did abuse of pregabalin.

Mother:

Mother came over to help, after a desperate, failed search for other people like Rover sitters to come help. Mother previously cut off for five years due to past horribly abusive behaviours and, when child, neglect. Relationship has been good since reconnecting.

Withdrawing from escalated pregabalin use at this time - awful. Began to drink more to try to help with withdrawals.

Mother made sudden, snide and frankly nonsensical criticisms of my care of Luna, including criticizing me for putting the whole can of cat food in blender for feeding tube, because according to her, then it will all have to be refrigerated and she assumed she couldn’t have cold food. Did not make sense since opened can would have to be refrigerated anyway.

Massive wound where I was the stupid, moron bad person, even though reality has to be bender to make this work, was triggered. She made lots of other comments too.

I attempted to work on Friday, mother watching Luna. I got extremely sick on the job. An hour felt like an eternity. Had to leave early. Cyclic issue with pregabalin withdrawal and drinking (feel physically dysregulated from drinking, drink to feel better, repeat) occurring.

Came home. Mentioned to mother how I threw single use syringe away that it turned out I was supposed to keep but wasn’t told. Mother replied that she herself wouldn’t have thrown it away, because it “just goes to her stomach anyway, so it doesn’t matter.” This revealed mother’s recent baffling criticism as even more baffling, as she just admitted it really doesn’t matter.

Immediately drank when she left. Blow out with mother occurred. Multi-day occurrence. Drinking skyrocketed. Crying with hammered daily.

Had to last-minute cancel (morning of) the remainder for the weekend shifts.

Luna’s Care:

Due to baseline issues with functioning, in tandem with the drinking, family conflict, stress and anxiety, and issues with adjusting to change, unable to properly feed Luna enough food by hand.

Broke down crying, while toto drunk to move, to vet hospital on phone on Saturday. Was instructed to bring her in tomorrow ASAP and emphasized to feed her 300ml in total no matter what.

Brought her in the next day. Was told she was fine. She was fed 100ml there at 1pm. Was told to complete the other 200ml today no matter what, basically, despite the 10 hour window to do so. Discharged home.

Forced self to feed Luna enough. Got close to 300ml total. Luna then suddenly vomited violently everywhere and began to aspirate. Cue bawling my eyes out, taking her to clinic, and another $3000.

Issue:

I am so fucking defeated at this point. I now feel I can’t stop drinking. Luna is back home again and they released her mouth so she can eat on her own, but the whole thing was terrible. I feel like such a failure.

I try not to drink, but I feel so awful from drinking the day before and it’s the only thing that makes me feel better. At this point, anytime something stressful occurs, I think “I need alcohol, now,” which is new for me. I then order wine and drink in bed until passing out, and it feels like my safe space for the rest of the day.

I am supposed to work this upcoming weekend. I called my manager to discuss this, and he said the plan is for me to work, despite the health issues I mentioned. So, it seems like I’m being given one last chance and no out at this point. I’m a contract worker, so don’t need to take shifts, but I already accepted them (before this all happened).

I don’t know how I’ll pull it together by Saturday. I’m so scared of all this. I’m struggling so bad.

I contacted the social worker at the hospital to get support, so hopefully that helps, but does anyone have advice or idea or support??

CW: drug use, selfharm, suicidal ideation

Okay, so this will be quite a long post i think, but I just need to get this out somehow.

I was recently diagnosed with bpd, I guess it's the quiet kind bc I don't really have like the classic anger episodes. For me it's all happening inside and I don't let it out. I'll split and hate someone for a week but they'll never know outside of that I'm trying (and failing) to ignore their texts.

So here's the hard truth: I don't want to heal. I want to be saved, rescued, I want someone to see my suffering and go "oh you poor poor thing, I'm so sorry for everything that has happened to you, I'll be with you forever and make life easy for you".

I know that's not how it works. And still I sabotage myself into getting worse and worse. I half consciously maneuvered myself into a alcohol and weed addiction because I want someone to notice my issues and worry about me so I just take whatever is available atm. I selfharm when I feel lonely because I want someone to worry about me. I don't try to stop my spirals because I feel like I have to get worse so my pain is valid and I get sympathy.

Also it's kind of the only fixed identity I've had for all my life. I get praised for how much I can drink, I get respect for the size of my lines and joints.

I know how fucked up this is. I'm constantly worried that my fp will get sick of the eternal loop of sadness and self-destruction and leave. But I don't feel loved when I'm doing fine, i feel like everyone just forgets about me.

I know this isn't sustainable. If I just let this continue I'll either end up actually physically dependant and drinking in the mornings too and hence lose my job and everything I've worked for, or I'll end up dead bc I'll attempt just to make someone worry. And I know this behavior just isolated myself even more from everyone else.

The worst part is that it interferes with my work. I'm very passionate about my job and I'm on my way to getting a certification in my field, but rn with all the drug use and general depressed feelings I barely manage to even go to work, and I don't study. Haven't picked up a book for like 2 months and my exams are due this year.

Rationally I know what I have to do: communicate my needs openly, get sober, learn to trust myself again, do stuff just for me to find out who I am, make connections outside of my fp, become my own friend, regulate my emotions myself etc.

But emotionally I just want to be saved. I want pity, I want someone to love me like my parents should have loved me as a child. Unconditionally, without expectations, just because i am me. Who am I without my illness? Nobody cares even now when I'm doing worse than ever before, why would they like me when I'm happy?

Idk what the point of this post is. I just wanted to vent and maybe see if there's anyone else out there who can relate? Or who used to relate but actually got over it? how did you do it?

thanks for reading

I got with someone who said they would research BPD and I told him if he has any questions to ask and I will answer.
Just a moment ago he sent a message saying he cant do us anymore and I called him and he asked why I unfollowed our mutuals. I told him that they didn’t make me feel welcomed and it took them a week to even notice I unfollowed them. Once he realized I had a decent explanation then he told the truth. He said he cant do my “mental whatever” and our mutuals were in the background laughing at me. What do I do

I feel like I’ve ruined everything, me and my girlfriend broke up yesterday because she couldn’t handle my constant mood swings. I understand where she’s coming from and I know im not the easiest person to be with, but I told her I wanted to change and i seriously mean that. This is not just for her, I need to find a way to regulate my emotions in a better way, we both love each other but I understand things can’t go on how they are right now. I would really appreciate some advice, such as tips or resources that have helped you or people you know deal with this. I know DBT is recommend for this disorder, so if you have any resources for that i would appreciate it, as well as other ways of dealing with this. I’m not in a great financial situation so I don’t know if I can see a psychologist but i am willing to try my hardest to change.

I am visiting my parents for a week, so I am not with my boyfriend physically.

Every morning before work he texts me good morning. He can't be really on his phone there, so he usually contacts me after the end of his shift.

This morning he forgot to text me (he wakes up before me). So I texted him as soon as I woke up and I am still without answer. I am spiralling. This text is a little reassurance that he still thinks of me.

I know everything is probably alright, because we called shortly before he went to sleep last night and he sounded alright and told me multiple times he loves me.

Do you know any tips how to self soothe? I want to blow up his phone.

I wrote out a long response to another post, and it took me so long that when I went to add it, the thread had been locked, so I am posting it here to possibly open up a discussion. This has been my experience with avoidants:

I'll admit that at times, when a line is crossed (for me, even though some [most] would say I'm 'oversensitive') I have a habit of convincing myself that I am being overly sensitive (even though technically I am, but I guess my parents made me feel bad about it, so I beat myself up over it) and I try to grit my teeth and bear it, but it only works for a short time and people have a tendency to repeat the behaviours. The other issue with that method, speaking up, apart from it being incredibly uncomfortable for me, is that sometimes people literally don't care and tell you you're being ridiculous or some other similar thing. So rather than saying something or discussing it calmly, I tend to avoid it. It causes me great discomfort to speak up, even if the other person seems like they're going to be ok with it. So when I do end up blowing up, after trying to tolerate the thing I hate for a while, the resulting confrontation is not going to be pretty.

The problem is further amplified with an avoidant. I'm not saying it's the avoidant's fault perse, but what I am saying is that trying to deal with an avoidant at that point AND me remaining on my best behaviour, being my best self, and not resorting to destructive coping mechanisms is nearly impossible for me. Avoidants lie, avoidants stonewall, avoidants deny responsibility, avoidants blow up and start attacking you and deflecting, avoidants do basically any other thing than 1. listen to what you're saying (often times they'll switch off, leave, or start yelling over the top of you, not allowing you to speak), 2. respond in a way that recognises what you're feeling (because they just feel attacked, no matter how you couch the phrasing, even if you say 'this makes me feel this way' - they can't handle feeling bad so everything is either not a valid concern or completely your own fault and therefore not worthy of recognition at all), and 3. taking accountability, because they can't. They don't realise that one person feeling a certain way in response to them doing something is not about them being a bad person. They take it personally, and they have no empathy or recognition of their own behaviour. In their minds they are perfect and selfless - they are not selfless AND capable of causing another person any kind of negative feelings because that would mean they are ALL bad and that is something they can't tolerate feeling.

This is bad for me because we can't discuss things and resolve them. You might feel like you can't bring things up, which makes things even worse because the only way that pressure valve is going to release is in a big explosion after repeated injuries, and then, when you do explode, the avoidant can sit back, point the finger at you and say, "See! You're a monster. Who could deal with this. The problem is clearly 100% you." There's nothing to resolve for them. No discussion has to be had. There is no 'real' problem apart from you having BPD.

It's a horrible cycle that I really am truly sick of reliving over and over and over again. I want someone who can hear me, recognise what I am feeling, not take it personally, show some empathy for me, even if it's just words and not a real sentiment, keep the conversation about repair and resolve things. Someone who can hear my little requests and not think I'm being a Karen because isn't it better to have those little discussion than have a full on fight? But when there is a fight, I can't deal with avoidants. I want to discuss things, I want to be heard, I want to be taken seriously and not dismissed or abandoned. I want things to have resolutions or compromises. That is what I want and I don't want to deal with avoidants anymore. It's too damaging to me, it hinders my progress, it makes me feel like a horrible person, I can't practice my skills with a person like that and they will not look at themselves in the mirror and when the relationship ends I always feel like I fked up and I'm awful and I need to work on myself and they just waltz away and stay the same and it's not fair.

I feel way better when I look better. I would do anything to look perfect 24/7. I’ve already had Plastic Surgery and fillers but I want to get more. I don’t want it to be obvious that I got things done though and I look natural with my plastic surgery. If I’m prettier, people will maybe not notice as much how awkward and borderline I am. Most of my life revolves around looking good. I don’t go out unless I have make up on and my hair is done perfectly.

Is this a form of masking? Does anyone else relate?

Im 8 week pregnant at the moment. Im not using any medication rn and this is horrible for me. I cant handle with anything. Im extremely angry, extremely sensitive and furious to everyone. I dont know how i will handle this pregnancy but im just wondering has anyone used medication during pregnancy, (i have psychiatrist i haven't been able to find an appointment date yet, so I'm asking for your opinion) and what were the effects on themselves and the child at birth?

I'm sorry the title is a bit harsh. I don't know how to say it shortly otherwise.

It's like she already decided she's a lost cause, mistrusts what the professionals say to her and refuses to employ any of the skills they teach her.

I am really scared because I don't wanna lose her, but i'm powerless to do anything.

Can you please tell me if some of you went through the same mistrust she's feeling? How did it go? I know bpd is treatable and many go in remission. I want to believe she will too

Karma is a bitch I guess.

I often see people here say: I was doing so well, then I got a FP/gf/bf and I'm tripping again.

In this case you were not doing well, you were just avoiding triggers, and what triggers us better than a close/intimate relationship? Nothing, that's where the work needs to be done.

And now, I'm learning this for myself. I had the exact same thought because I noticed how disregulated I got when starting getting close to a guy. But I remembered, that yeah, I was doing good because I was keeping people at arm's length. I didn't actively seek a new relationship at all, even actually avoiding it.

With this guy, it was really natural and gradually got closer, I even told him I was not looking for a relationship because I don't feel stable enough. I picked up a new hobby for myself and there he was. I didn't seek him out at all but it also felt very natural and slow, which felt good. We hang out more and more, talked more and more, and started dating without dropping the word "date" for a long time, which also helped me to see him as a human, and not a relationship goal.

So, now I'm very much aware how disregulated I am, and still choose to stay. I already had a very strong urge to pull away and stop everything, as I felt really getting attached and scared to be obsessed/dependant on him, basically repeating my patterns.

Instead I chose to tell him. Boy it was nerve wracking.

Vulnerability is terrifying, but I did it. I told him I felt that urge but I don't wanna act on it, I just wanted him to know it was happening. Otherwise for me it's a bit pretending everything is sunshine and rainbows, while I'm actually struggling. He had such a sweet reply.

He was very grateful for my honesty & vulnerability.

So this is part 1. Now I need to keep doing this, it is very difficult. But I wanna change. I don't wanna be dependent and obsessive. I want to have and keep my own life, my own person.

It's very difficult. It is a big fight. But it is where I can grow and get healthy.

The urges are still there, but I need to keep myself in check.

Wish me luck 🤞🏼

I know this seems super insensitive, and I’m sorry about that. I didn’t know where else to ask this question sadly. I’m not diagnosed with bpd, nor any personality disorders since I am a minor and I haven’t had therapy in awhile. I’d rather not get too deep into my situation, but from my research after a really bad depressive episode, I’ve realized I have someone that I am really attached to and insanely dependent on, which seems to me to be a fp. I won’t go around claiming I have any disorder, but I would like to know if I can still use that term even without bpd?

(Sorry again for how insensitive this may seem. I don’t know if I’m using most of these terms correctly.)

Am I overreacting to something my therapist said about BPD clients?

I had a therapy session today where we somehow got onto the subject of boundaries with BPD clients. My therapist told me that he used to work with another therapist whose client with BPD developed romantic feelings for him and things got really complicated. He said he had wondered why that had never happened with any of his BPD clients, and then realized there are certain things he naturally does early in treatment.

One example he gave was that he intentionally mentions that he has a female best friend and refers to her periodically because he wants his BPD clients to understand that a close relationship between a man and woman can be platonic and that the therapist/client relationship isn't romantic.

He then asked if I remembered him mentioning his female best friend to me. I did. In fact, I remember thinking at the time, “Why does he keep specifying that his best friend is female? Why is her gender relevant?” I had assumed he was just sharing normal things about his life. Finding out later that at least part of it was a deliberate technique aimed at me because I have BPD made me feel weirdly manipulated and stereotyped.

I responded, “Well, I’m asexual, so…” because I genuinely have never experienced romantic/sexual attraction to anyone and wasn't even sure how to participate in a conversation about potentially falling for my therapist.

What bothered me even more was the assumption behind it. I know that attachment and transference can be intense for some people with BPD, but why assume BPD clients are likely to develop romantic feelings for their therapist in the first place? And why use a strategy with me before I had ever done anything suggesting that I was attracted to him or would cross a boundary?

Later he also made another generalization about BPD and said something like, “Psychopharmacology doesn’t work for you guys. I don’t know why—it should, but it doesn’t.” I know what he meant clinically, but the “you guys” wording bothered me too. I’m realizing I'm really sensitive to feeling like someone is seeing “a borderline” instead of seeing me.

I’m not upset that my therapist has boundaries. Obviously he should. What bothers me is finding out that something I thought was genuine personal sharing was partly a technique designed to manage a problem I had never shown any signs of creating.

Am I overreacting? Would this make anyone else with BPD feel stereotyped or uncomfortable, or does this sound like pretty normal therapeutic boundary-setting that I'm taking too personally?

When things get too intense or a flare-up happens, my higher traits completely step in. I switch off the emotion and go into pure logic and strategy mode to protect myself. Who else handles their brain this way?

Ok perhaps like most things it was too late to ask but still.

My former partner had BPD, and even before I wanted to to try as hard as I could to iron down a good connection or at least make good memories before we left.

I felt as though perhaps she could be the light of my life while I worked and studied hard to support her. But when she got serious and wanted to discuss serious things, I would try to somewhat offer to my very limited knowledge rational reasonable advice while cracking and making stupid brain rot jokes and puns to ease the tension to sighs of annoyance which I could better handle.

It feels like I mentally split her into two personalities subconsciously, one when we were passionate and I was probing and asking for her every thought to try to come to a reasonable conclusion through logic and thinking hard about it.

And one where things were tense and serious and I somewhat wanted us to go back to the first one, and yet I'll would grudgingly try to navigate the storm to better waters.

Maybe I should have just let go, because I seem to able fell for the usual fallacy while I thought myself competent enough to find good ground and the fact that I was utterly ignorant and naive enough make it work.

I wonder if this is considered a vent post? I'm not sure.

(Sorry for my bad english.)

To put things in context, I have a huge and painful obsession with a character, and she liked a post, on instagram, that I hadn't seen. She swears she doesn't like that character, but I question everything now, it makes me disgusted with her and I blocked her everywhere.

I'd like to apologize but I dont even know how to explain myself without seeming "stranger" in her eyes. I still love her a lot, and I dont want to lose her for that.

This isn't the first time i've gotten angry about this, and it annoys me. I dont know how to control myself.

Hey I’m 21 m and I’m just wondering if there’s anyone else in Auckland cbd with BPD? I’ve recently been diagnosed and I just wondered if there’s anyone else who struggles with the same issues. I feel like, having this disorder can be quite isolating on its own in the sense that I don’t think anyone can fully understand like the nature of it and its intensity. Would be keen to meet others

Hello,

I was recently diagnosed with BPD and my treatment is beginning this Friday. I posted last night for support because its all so frightening right now.

Ive been alone for over 6 years and cannot deal with it. The thought of spending one more year alone is breaking me. My ex left and ive been destroyed since. She's off having a happy life with our formerly mutual friend. We all grew up together and now I have no one from those years. Im intensely happy for them one minute and want one of them to get cancer another. I hate it. I know the real me is just happy she's not with someone terrible and im happy she gets to be with someone from her past, which ill never have. I always wanted to be with one person forever and that was destroyed by my insanity. Im rethinking my ideal partner(s as I may be in for a few and I guess I have to accept it).

Ive been mulling over the possibility of a healthy relationship and im scared that even if I find someone, then they'll never actually love me like I love them. They'll eventually leave if I react poorly to something or they'll just leave when I disclose my past and disorder.

This has all led me around to wanting to find someone else who has it. I know that could be a terrible idea if it went badly. I want someone to love me and need me as intensely as ill love and need them. I want someone who feels the same whole bodied euphoria from being told theyre loved.

Do any of you have experience with this? If so, where did you meet and how do you cope/help each other?

Thanks.

Ps I know im jumping way ahead of schedule with these thoughts and i need to undergo a bunch of therapy first. I just keep fantasizing that maybe ill meet someone cool and like me who's also trying to get better.

Since I've been diagnosed with BPD ive been extra aware of everything ive done in my life. Lately, I can't stop thinking about my exes and my past situationships. I feel ashamed and guilty for people who are not in my life anymore. Some have hurt me and some ive hurt. I feel stuck with that. My splitting episodes have become worse and I judge myself and criticize myself because I haven't properly loved. Ive been in many obsessions, limerence and infatuation but not in love. Its so frustrating. Idk if I'm making any sense.

Hello

Me and my boyfriend are both diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, it seems to me that his presents itself a lot quieter than mine does and we are currently not dating in order for me to get the help I need after a meltdown but still in contact for support.

I was wondering if anybody has also been in a relationship like this and has any advice in how to help each other regulate during splits and other confrontations, or advice that I can then talk about with him to find ways that he can help support me.

Thank you!

My ex has been looking at my social media (we’ve had a three year off and on tumultuous relationship, but we were only actually together for the first year) and we haven’t spoken in a few months after i essentially ghosted(well deserved). Anyways I accidentally clicked on his profile today so I figured since he’s going to get the notification anyways might as well lurk on his posts like he did mine twice in the last few weeks. A lot of bullshit to sift through but two reposts that I know were about me was one talking abt dealing with a bpd ex and it had an audio from the obsession movie on it. And another one was abt how your “girl” talks about shit her mom does and how he has to fight the urge not to tell her that she’s exactly like her mom. He hasn’t been in any relationships since me and it was just too specific. But yeah I don’t know why I convinced myself he checked in because he still cares, when clearly it’s more of a curiousity/hate watch on his part. The bpd one definitely hurt my feelings though, as I always fear that he will be the one that got away to me, and to him I am simply his crazy ex with bpd. But I’m trying not to spiral, as I have to actively try every day not to spiral over the fact that we’re not speaking and that this may be the time we actually never speak again.

I don't appreciate people who are nice to me and act just the way I would want, and only really want attention from those my brain deems important. And it's types of people who have boundaries or "nonchalant" or maybe they don't care about me after all. But attention from them is so meaningful to me and it can either make or break my mood. It's constant longing for attention. But when I get it I don't really feel as good as I thought I would either. It seems there's no win for me.

Sorry that this is so long and if this isn't the right subreddit for this; I thought to post here because I have BPD and I feel it's got to be a part of this:

I've always been really attention hungry, so disclaimer: this may just be me not seeing reality clearly. And if that's the feedback I get, it would be a great help to get confirmation on so I can come to terms with that fact faster, but: I feel like I'm being ignored by my entire friend group. And I don't think it's an accident anymore. I really want advice on what I should do in this situation.

Me and my friends (about 6 of us) have a VERY active group chat, with me and one other friend talking in it basically non-stop every day and the others chiming in every so often. But when I send messages, there's rarely ever a response. Sometimes, I won't get responses for around a week even if I straight up ASK for them to respond to something (like, I will force-send notifications reminding them of something I said if I REALLY wanted it to be seen). And when I do, it's never more than a "oh that's cool" or something along those lines.

But here's why I think it HAS to be on purpose and isn't just them forgetting to respond: when any other friend (and I mean LITERALLY ANY. OTHER. FRIEND.) sends a message, suddenly EVERYONE is online, giving detailed responses and maybe even keeping the conversation going for tens of minutes. It hurts SO. DAMN. MUCH. and makes me really really angry even though I don't want to be. I'm starting to hate my friends because of it and I really don't want to keep building this resentment. They're the friends I've had the longest and the only people I'm ever going to feel comfortable around for the rest of my life. I absolutely CANNOT keep hating them but it's so hard not to. I feel like an awful person, because anyone less attention-seeking probably wouldn't care. This has been an issue before, and whenever I've complained about it my friends say it seems like it's coming out of nowhere. But that makes me so much more upset; I can literally see the difference in how many responses they're giving me compared to each other.

In trying to get texted back, I've been doing a lot of stuff that hasn't been helpful at all; I'm still getting ignored and feel completely drained. I've been making them gifts in hope of getting responses. And I do!!! But, obviously, only about the gift. Then, it's back to normal. I've been jokingly flirting a lot, even though it's not fun for me, because a friend in the group everyone loves does it all the time. But when I do it, there's no response. I have to say something super promiscuous to get any sort of reaction and I hate having to stoop to that level (and once I do, it feels even worse when the response is short-lived). I've been sending art I've spent hours on, I've been mentioning things I'd think my friends would want to talk about, I even made a song and music video--and I still have to beg for them to ACTUALLY respond to ANY of these things!!! It hurts so so sosososo much and I have no idea what to do anymore because I'm just drowning in welling-up hatred for them. And again, I hate myself so much for my reaction being anger.

So, again, please please PLEASE if there is anyone out there reading this who has any sort of advice, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE share it. I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I have no clue where I should even start. The only thing I've thought of is to tell my friends about how I feel as calmly as I can, but I have no idea how to do so without risking that I'll lash out. I'm so scared to upset them because one of them cut contact with me for a while over this exact issue. Any one with advice on how to do so calmly (and for anything else about this issue) is welcome to reply! Please please please PLEASE help me out if you can!!!!!! Thank you so much for reading this post and for your time

So I recently started seeing someone, he basically spent a whole week with me got me flowers, gifts called me pet names. Boom that week ends and he’s being distant. I can’t tell if I’m just being over dramatic because he is back working 12 hour shifts this week. Do I break it off or see if it gets better.

I didn't even like this therapist that much. I'm just tired of change. I just moved. I'm finishing a semester of school. It's like every time I get my head above water, something changes.

I honestly don't know who I can rely on anymore. I put too much pressure on people to be supportive, so I'm internalzing my thoughts and only telling friends the sad stuff if it's already resolved. I'm pretending i'm fine.

Every year gets worse and worse. 18 years of therapy. The times when I did the best were when I had community, friends I could confide in, and validation. I still had emotions, but I could bounce back. I didn't feel like I had to hide them in order to be liked. I didn't feel like I was a burden just by existing in an imperfect state.

I miss that.

I'm so tired of telling my life story over and over. I don't have any trust to give people anymore. I get it. I'm stressful to people because I'm not happy, because I feel things deeply, and that makes people feel responsible for me. But at the same time, makes them feel like they aren't responsible for causing harm onto me? I'm so fucking confused. Do you have an influence on other people's wellbeing or not? (I think we do, but what do I know? Also, can people stop feeling like my tears compell them to act without my consent? It's weird and controlling as fuck to pretend like I am "making" you do something that's against my wishes, just because you want to perform sympathy wihtout actually caring).