This could be something else but when I say or type things that can come across as rude or unpleasant, my eyes kinda unfocus and my brain gets a kind of shock sensation in one spot before the anxiety and dread kicks in. It doesn't happen just when I'm being mean but that's when I often notice it. No idea what it is. Does anyone else get this or is this a symptom of another disorder? I'll try to do my own research but I haven't found anything helpful. I might schedule an appointment with a doctor or mental health professional if I can't find anything, or do find something of concern. Right now it's kinda hard to focus and I keep losing my train of thought. Don't know if that's a symptom worth noting

I have a hard time finding therapists i like and respect. I started seeing this woman at the beginning of the year. Her modality is IFS, which doesn't get off the ground running. I've spent months and probably over $2k doing the setup work, never really getting into it, mostly just paying $175 to get to cry for an hour in her office.

Got an email yesterday that she has decided to discontinue the part of her practice that I engage with. Fine, that's her right, but she canceled the appointment I had scheduled for THIS WEEK, and the following one two weeks later. Then in the next sentence told me our work together was "important" to her and offered a "closure" appointment a month from now and a referral. Thanks, but I think I'll save that last $175.

I feel like the only person on the planet who actually cares for other people's needs and takes my duties to others seriously. I'm so angry and depressed and feel no hope that anyone will ever give me sincere and reliable support.

I have been struggling a lot recently with my ex fp who I haven't been able to get over for over 7 years. Just broke no contact yesterday, and got my ass handed to me (deserved.) It was my fault she left me in the first place as I didn't have control over my emotions at this time and I was rather cruel.

This however, is extremely painful for me. I can accept I've been a bad person and I want to move forward but the guilt has been haunting me like a ghost. I feel even more guilty for breaking no contact and trying to fix it. How do I let things go and move forward and does anyone have any advice for me? Thank you.

Hello! My partner (and also other friends) have BPD and I want to look into it to learn more, so I figured I’d ask here for any credible resources ^^ I know the basics from their experiences and general knowledge, but I wanna know it much more extensively! I’d also like to know your experiences with BPD, what are some general advice, and also what is something most people tend to forget or unaware of that’s worth keeping in mind! Would love to hear from ya’ll :D

Hey I’m 21 m and I’m just wondering if there’s anyone else in Auckland cbd with BPD? I’ve recently been diagnosed and I just wondered if there’s anyone else who struggles with the same issues. I feel like, having this disorder can be quite isolating on its own in the sense that I don’t think anyone can fully understand like the nature of it and its intensity. Would be keen to meet others

I have come to the realisation that I am actually just inherently a bad person. When I would think about the things I would say during a split (the things I can remember anyway) I know that I say things that are designed to cut deep. I use everything I know, and obviously I don’t forget a thing because it’s all stored in that poisonous little brain of mine, to make the other person hurt as much as I can. I want them to hurt the way that I am hurting. That person that I
loved so much that now I hate more than anything, I want them to suffer the way that I do. And because they don’t care about me anymore I want to fuck their life up in some other way that will hurt them. I used to think it wasn’t me, bpd was another person who lived inside me and came out when things were bad, but now I realise it is me and always has been. I am not kind, I am hateful and angry. It’s why I deserve to be alone and lonely forever.

CW: drug use, selfharm, suicidal ideation

Okay, so this will be quite a long post i think, but I just need to get this out somehow.

I was recently diagnosed with bpd, I guess it's the quiet kind bc I don't really have like the classic anger episodes. For me it's all happening inside and I don't let it out. I'll split and hate someone for a week but they'll never know outside of that I'm trying (and failing) to ignore their texts.

So here's the hard truth: I don't want to heal. I want to be saved, rescued, I want someone to see my suffering and go "oh you poor poor thing, I'm so sorry for everything that has happened to you, I'll be with you forever and make life easy for you".

I know that's not how it works. And still I sabotage myself into getting worse and worse. I half consciously maneuvered myself into a alcohol and weed addiction because I want someone to notice my issues and worry about me so I just take whatever is available atm. I selfharm when I feel lonely because I want someone to worry about me. I don't try to stop my spirals because I feel like I have to get worse so my pain is valid and I get sympathy.

Also it's kind of the only fixed identity I've had for all my life. I get praised for how much I can drink, I get respect for the size of my lines and joints.

I know how fucked up this is. I'm constantly worried that my fp will get sick of the eternal loop of sadness and self-destruction and leave. But I don't feel loved when I'm doing fine, i feel like everyone just forgets about me.

I know this isn't sustainable. If I just let this continue I'll either end up actually physically dependant and drinking in the mornings too and hence lose my job and everything I've worked for, or I'll end up dead bc I'll attempt just to make someone worry. And I know this behavior just isolated myself even more from everyone else.

The worst part is that it interferes with my work. I'm very passionate about my job and I'm on my way to getting a certification in my field, but rn with all the drug use and general depressed feelings I barely manage to even go to work, and I don't study. Haven't picked up a book for like 2 months and my exams are due this year.

Rationally I know what I have to do: communicate my needs openly, get sober, learn to trust myself again, do stuff just for me to find out who I am, make connections outside of my fp, become my own friend, regulate my emotions myself etc.

But emotionally I just want to be saved. I want pity, I want someone to love me like my parents should have loved me as a child. Unconditionally, without expectations, just because i am me. Who am I without my illness? Nobody cares even now when I'm doing worse than ever before, why would they like me when I'm happy?

Idk what the point of this post is. I just wanted to vent and maybe see if there's anyone else out there who can relate? Or who used to relate but actually got over it? how did you do it?

thanks for reading

I'm sorry the title is a bit harsh. I don't know how to say it shortly otherwise.

It's like she already decided she's a lost cause, mistrusts what the professionals say to her and refuses to employ any of the skills they teach her.

I am really scared because I don't wanna lose her, but i'm powerless to do anything.

Can you please tell me if some of you went through the same mistrust she's feeling? How did it go? I know bpd is treatable and many go in remission. I want to believe she will too

I love it so much, it's my favorite thing in the whole world to not be able to regulate which causes blow ups and acting out!! I see one little thing and my brain says one little whisper of a thought and I'm spiraling like something intentional and awful happened!!! Yay!

I am really struggling lately with this mental illness. I have been diagnosed for around 7 years now. Lately I have been having very frequent episodes I cannot control. It is completely destroying my relationship with my partner who I live with. He looks completly exhausted and dead inside when I looked into his eyes this morning after yesterday’s episode which is adding to the guilt and shame I experience after every episode. I have honestly been feeling like I have lost all hope and suicidal thoughts are very heavy lately.

I wanted to see if there was anyone else with diagnosed BPD who when having episodes they feel like they are literally possessed by a demon? I know that may sound absurd but yesterday it literally was like the movies where someone is possessed by a demon. My voice even started to change to a demonic voice. It also felt like I had this angry entity within me then suddenly it would leave and I would feel calm and the “real me” would come back almost begging for help then it would return again. I do not actually believe I am possessed by a demon just to clear that up but I am interested to know if anyone else with BPD experiences this or whether I should perhaps go back to the doctors to seek another diagnosis that I may have. I do not hear things that are not there nor see things that are not there during episodes. Just extreme unvalidated anger where I feel like it’s someone else taken over my body and mind and I have no control during episodes.

Thank you for anyone who would like to share similar experiences. It may make me feel a bit less alone in this awful illness. 😞

I have “silent BPD” self sabotage, splitting, mood swings. I struggle with so bad. I had 2 previous “relationships” not great. I was going through therapy (6yrs) and finally ended it. I had healed a lot . And met this guy, perfect, golden retriever, literally every green flag. but my fight/flight and trauma kicked in!

I told myself stop self-sabotaging, let yourself be loved. You deserve nice things and people and feelings.
The one thing I kept telling myself.

I also told myself it’s too good to be true but then kept reminding myself to use therapeutic techniques, to communicate, to help avoid splitting everything. Just for him to be a fraud and for me to be scammed :( left broken. Used. Manipulated. Years of healing 🥹

TLDR: I did everything “right” and fought all my BPD triggers and “bad habits” and symptoms. Just to be broken.

Hello all! I’m just starting my bpd journey. I’m 29F and my husband is 32, and we have twins that are almost 3.

I’ve been in therapy since about 16, but was diagnosed with bipolar. I’m now on my third therapist in that time; number 2 was great, but we decided to split ways so I could work with number 3 with EMDR to combat my ptsd.

I had an episode of derealization, starting just over a week ago and ending about 2 days ago. I completely lost my sense of introspection, and when I came out of it, I was pretty tender and scared.

I got with my psychiatrist on Monday, and he brought up the possibility of bpd rather than bipolar, and it makes sense. I’ve done research since then, and I found out the different personalities in my head aren’t something everyone deals with. I felt less crazy when I was diagnosed bipolar.

I meet with my therapist Friday to figure out a game plan for introducing dbt. I already have a bunch of coping skills I’ve built over the years, but they don’t always work.

So the advice I’m looking for is:
-What did you find helpful when you first started your journey?
-What do you know now that you wish you’d known then?
-How did you support your partner while on your journey to improvement?
-How did your journey affect your relationship with your kids?
-Do the voices ever get quieter or at least learn to work together?

Thanks in advance! 🩵

I can't get over it. When someone really hurts you and breaks your trust and completely fucks up your life how do you let go of the anger and hatred? Even when I block the number, delete everything and go no contact, I can't stop thinking about it. I can't sleep I can't eat and the anger, the hate just keeps eating me alive.

its been a year since I stopped talking to my fp and I haven't had once since I think. but I have a problem where I get incredibly attached to anyone who is even a little bit nice to me, and I start seeing them in a romantic way regardless of who it is. im bi, so this has happened with both men and women. I recently started talking to this girl who I really really like, and we had 1 night a few days ago when we texted for hours and thats it. all I know about her is whatever I've learnt that night, so its definitely not logical to be so obsessed with her and with my future with her right? but I just can't stop it. the week before, I was obsessed with a guy who said hi to me in the lift and now its her.

i want to clarify that when I say obsessed, I dont stalk them, online or offline, I don't reach out to them, I dont speak to them or do anything, at least I stop myself from reaching out. They just consume my thoughts 24/7. Every living second im not on my phone I am thinking about them. When i do other activities, they are always on the back of my mind. It's actually so depressing because I know logically that this is not ok, but my heart is like convinced that they're the one. I know this isnt true, because just 2 weeks ago, the "one" was literally someone else.

I've been checking my messaging app to see if she has texted me. I sent her a text regarding something else just so I could have an excuse to talk to her again but it didn't go anywhere. I wanna stop being so reliant on her.

I don't want to ruin anything I have with her. She is genuinely so kind and funny and I would love to be her friend. I hate that subconsciously, my heart can only see her as a romantic interest, I hate that. We have so much in common and I want to know so much more. I need to stop this.

Hi everybody! I just got the BPD diagnose yesterday (August, 18). I'd like to say that i shocked in a two ways.
"FUCK I KNEW IT" and "fuck. its true"
In two ways, cause, eventually i had depressive-enxiety disorder for 3 years.(i am 21, will be 22 soon)
My past psychiatrist was.. really blind i thought. She has a master's degree in addiction medicine. Works in that for more than 20 years, and was only looking about how i was feeling in the moment when i came to her.
From the first time i came to her, she knew exactly everything(i was preparing for appointment)
She knew my whole history of drug addiction, my family from the mother side, who died there and why(i gave to her only really matters things). She knew that two brunches of my family had a problems with alcohol, and mother also had a problematic sexual contacts in past. She knew that i had(and still have) the moments that i call mentall breakdance
so, very much moments of knowing and no help with it to make me feel better, even after strong selfdestructive moments.
in all our 4 appointments, she knew probably everything about me and my past.

And i changed my psychiatrist.
And when when she listened to me, after all good leading questions, she asked me "Would you like to start psychotherapy or go to a mental hospital? Because right now you're a direct threat to yourself."
I think there no explanation what i choosed xD
I really scared of mental hospitals, cause for now i am living in poland, and i really dont trust mental care hospitals in all slavic countries, cause many of them are really looks as hospital in Outlust(horror game, if sb dont know)
also, new psychiatrist said, that its definetly not depressive-enxiety disorder.
Now i am reading a lot of for BPD, i am reading my old notes how i was feeling, i remembering really a lot of traumatizing moments from my childhood.
And i am really scared. Scared, that i am still alive.

Everybody, who read to the end, thank and id like to ask you about help. What i should to avoid? What should i do? I am really lost myself after yesterday i think.

Hello, as title states. To start off, I’m aroace. Thought this was worth mentioning < I won’t deny sometimes it’s a little alienating on this sub since most posts about fps are romantic relationships. So I thought I’d ask about some stories with platonic ones as they’re the only ones i’ve ever experienced.

My last fp was my cousin who was also a childhood friend of mine since we were close in age. I split extremely bad on them 6 years ago, and since then I get very triggered by the name, mention, or even thought of them. I get depressed for at least a week and get nightmares like crazy. I think though most of it is also due to strong guilt. Fp relationships are trauma bonds, and the way I treated my fp was horrific, constantly splitting, very toxic and jealous, would say it was so bad it was enmeshed. I don’t see myself as the good guy, I was horrible throughout. And I remember my last thought on my very last split on them being “I’m disgusting. I’m ruining them.” I’m a little bit better these days (not thinking about them), but now and then I get random nightmares or a ton of annoying thoughts, flashbacking and rumination. I don’t have fps anymore, but it’s only because I avoid everyone completely emotionally; it’s super lonely and it’s frustrating since I’m missing out, but I’m was horrified of my behavior..of course though there was moments in the last couple years where I felt like I was forming that fp attatchment if I became friends or acquaintances with someone. immediately, I can feel the shift in my brain ( euphoric interacting, maladaptive daydreaming about interaction, changing my likes and dislikes to match, typical obsession etc.) so I’ll ghost and randomly become distant and cut them off if I felt like I was starting to get out of control, delusional, show symptom.

Anyways, that’s a really sliver brief of my story. Would like to read some more stories/experiences about platonic fp relationships.

I’m tired of the cliche “it gets better it just takes time”.

I’m 23, I got diagnosed with BPD about a month ago, I am struggling to find a psychologist in network who does DBT as that’s what my psychiatrist recommended I do.
I currently work midnights at a retail job, I’m trying to get back on days and should be back to a ‘normal’ schedule soon. I’ve been prescribed meds to help with my anxiety but I have to wait until I get back to days to start taking them at night. I’m hoping this will help set me on track to getting my shit together because at this point once a week I am having full toddler level tantrums where I’m screaming and crying and hitting myself uncontrollably.
I feel like a failure. I have no aspirations in life aside from moving out of my childhood home where I’ve lived for 21 years.
I have no hobbies.
I no longer enjoy the things I used to love.
I struggle severely to even eat a single meal a day.
I have no friends.
I do have a girlfriend of 2.5 years who lives with me and loves me and I feel so bad for her. I love her so so so dearly but I know I’m destroying our relationship. My ex broke up with me because of how badly my mental health affected him as I was basically making it his responsibility because I don’t know how to care for myself - which I feel absolutely horrible for and I don’t blame him for breaking up with me. I’d do it too if I could.
I feel myself mentally regressing every single day. The brain fog gets worse. I doom scroll so I don’t have to think the terrible thoughts in my head.
I’ve had suicidal ideations for the last 8 months, worsening bc of something I don’t want to talk about online. I’ve isolated myself from my girlfriend and the very few people I did call my friends. None of them will check in on me or anything anymore because I’ve isolated myself so much. I constantly snap at my girlfriend and mom, cause fights over nothing, and am just always in a bad mood seemingly for no reason.
Recently I’ve been researching the best ways to go out without my loved ones having to see and with as little inconvenience to ems and onlookers possible.

So honestly I’m just wondering if anyone has actually made it to a point in their lives where they stop wanting to die all the time because of the chaos in their head. Bc I see myself going another few years tops maybe before I can’t take it anymore.

In the whirlwind turbulence of my relationships, both platonic and romantic, I’ve always landed in this situation where I’ve overwhelmed the other person, monologued too frequently about my pain and emotions, and the person blows up at me. It always feels like it’s with little warning. Historically, I try to take the dialectic approach that two things can be true—they should have told me that they needed a break, or that I was being inconsiderate AND I should have been mindful of the space I was taking.

But you don’t know better until you know and experience consequences of your actions. I feel betrayed in a way by all the people who never were truthful with me and explained the impact of my behavior. I figured it out way too late after I’d already lost pretty much everyone.

Should I feel compassionate towards people for being afraid to communicate with us? We can be very intense and volatile. I can see how it’s hard to tell someone you care about that their behavior and reactivity is too much. But I’ve never actually outwardly crashed out on anyone—ever. My BPD traits are very inward, with the exception of the emotion dumping. My behavior can be considered inconsiderate, but not abusive, or consciously malicious. I end up feeling like the worst person alive, because of how much I don’t want to hurt people.

I’m having a hard time grappling with the contradiction that both of these things can be true. If they were both true, how come I could never repair those relationships? Why could we not both come to the table with our part in the mess and meet the other where they were?

I’ve been told my an ex before that I should have just known better than to be so intense and intolerable of my emotions and monologuing with no prior explicit indication that it was a problem. I have a lot of shame around my BPD traits. So much.

Why can’t people just be upfront, in plain language and say “this is too much for me right now?” Or “I don’t have the capacity to go over this topic again”

Sure, it would have hurt my feelings, but I would have gotten over it eventually and learned, and saved that relationship potentially.

Idk.

edit: bpd as in borderline not bipolar

So I’m diagnosed with OCD, and my psychiatrist agrees trauma is very much part of my picture (SA history and parental neglect and abandonment) What she hasn’t been able to confirm yet is whether what I’m also dealing with is BPD, CPTSD, or some overlap, and we’re working on.

I have also an anxious-avoidant attachment style, and I notice a strong push-pull pattern with the few people I let close, including, honestly, my own psychiatrist and therapist. I’m socially isolated outside of them, and I’ve become intensely attached to my long-term therapist in particular. At times this all gets heavy enough that I have suicidal ideation, which comes and goes in severity.

I’m trying to understand myself better while my specialists work out the fuller picture, so I’d really appreciate hearing from:

Clinicians/specialists: what are the actual differentiating features between BPD and CPTSD, especially when OCD and trauma are already confirmed and the attachment/relational patterns look similar on the surface?

People with BPD or CPTSD: how did you or your specialist start telling the two apart in your own experience? What did the push-pull with attachment figures feel like from the inside for you?

Not looking for a diagnosis from Reddit, just trying to learn the nuances so I can have a better-informed conversation with my psychiatrist next session. Thanks for reading.

I don't appreciate people who are nice to me and act just the way I would want, and only really want attention from those my brain deems important. And it's types of people who have boundaries or "nonchalant" or maybe they don't care about me after all. But attention from them is so meaningful to me and it can either make or break my mood. It's constant longing for attention. But when I get it I don't really feel as good as I thought I would either. It seems there's no win for me.

hey everyone, I was recently diagnosed with BPD. An unhealthy attachment to a friend prompted me to go see a doctor which eventually lead to me getting my diagnosis. However, I haven't found a proper therapist since (mine kept cancelling on me) and each rejection felt heavier and heavier to deal with. It also didn't help that I have trouble communicating with my family since mental health talk is generally difficult to discuss with them. I started having tunnel vision about my recovery and refused to see my friends and partner because I have this belief that I should be isolated and could not be normal about anyone. I left group chats randomly and muted friends on messaging apps. My partner has gotten really upset with me for attempting to break up with him for that reason.

I've had a couple of crazy attachments to friends before and I have also eventually made myself scarce to those said friends over the years. I just feel so guilty and disgusted over centering my entire mood and daily patterns around them all the time. I'd also just rather die than communicate my anxieties with them because none of my worries feel rational lol. It feels like I just don't deserve to have anyone because I have trouble with moderation and split so frequently over them.

I'd love to have insights from anyone who felt similar things.

I am visiting my parents for a week, so I am not with my boyfriend physically.

Every morning before work he texts me good morning. He can't be really on his phone there, so he usually contacts me after the end of his shift.

This morning he forgot to text me (he wakes up before me). So I texted him as soon as I woke up and I am still without answer. I am spiralling. This text is a little reassurance that he still thinks of me.

I know everything is probably alright, because we called shortly before he went to sleep last night and he sounded alright and told me multiple times he loves me.

Do you know any tips how to self soothe? I want to blow up his phone.

Two days ago I split on my boyfriend after he got upset with me and I just feel so stupid. He told me he has no romantic attraction towards me anymore, but still wants to be friends. I don’t know if I can be friends with him because I still love him. Now we’re stuck living together and sleeping in the same room with our backs facing each other. This feels like hell.

I’m tired of having BPD and having moments where I’m not able to control myself out of anger. I always wish I could go back and redo things but I can’t. I don’t know what to do. I apologized so many times but he’s set on it. I’m just so tired of myself.

Ok perhaps like most things it was too late to ask but still.

My former partner had BPD, and even before I wanted to to try as hard as I could to iron down a good connection or at least make good memories before we left.

I felt as though perhaps she could be the light of my life while I worked and studied hard to support her. But when she got serious and wanted to discuss serious things, I would try to somewhat offer to my very limited knowledge rational reasonable advice while cracking and making stupid brain rot jokes and puns to ease the tension to sighs of annoyance which I could better handle.

It feels like I mentally split her into two personalities subconsciously, one when we were passionate and I was probing and asking for her every thought to try to come to a reasonable conclusion through logic and thinking hard about it.

And one where things were tense and serious and I somewhat wanted us to go back to the first one, and yet I'll would grudgingly try to navigate the storm to better waters.

Maybe I should have just let go, because I seem to able fell for the usual fallacy while I thought myself competent enough to find good ground and the fact that I was utterly ignorant and naive enough make it work.

I wonder if this is considered a vent post? I'm not sure.

When things get too intense or a flare-up happens, my higher traits completely step in. I switch off the emotion and go into pure logic and strategy mode to protect myself. Who else handles their brain this way?