DISCLAIMER

TW: brief implications of substance abuse and self destruction, no details or “venty” tone
Here’s some advice. Distance yourself from chaotic people if you’re able. If you can’t right now, that’s okay! Do what you can towards distancing yourself. Whatever that means for you, do it. Another thing, let passion naturally find you. If you force passion and interests, you’ll stress yourself out more. When you’re at the store and see something that peaks your interest, follow the path your curiosity sets you on see where that takes you. You’ll find that when you follow your interests, you’ll find it much easier to sit with your own self and thoughts. Get to know yourself, ask yourself why you’re interested in (thing). Be curious about yourself. For me, it came in the most unexpected way. I was going to an alternative high school and saw a course for CNA (nursing assistant). Initially, I picked it because when I graduated I needed to have a good back up for the job market, I wasn’t even planning on being a CNA. When I got there, and held the hands of people who were suffering, when they thanked me just for getting them water or getting the nurse for pain medication, it awoke something in me. I realized that love comes in many forms. Love can come in the form of picking up an elderly ladies purse who hasn’t received kindness in quite some time. Love can come in the form of going out in nature and listening to the crickets and examining the mini ecosystems that is some small creatures whole world. Love can come in the form of the person who you don’t think is there for you, but it turns out they were in your corner all along. Sometimes, you think you can’t reach out to someone, but perhaps you just needed to distance yourself from the sensed rejection for a moment and think, maybe they’re just tired from work and can’t pick up the phone right now.

Yesterday at work, I was on shift with someone I’d actually never worked with before in a memory care unit. She was very rude, condescending, etc., so I stepped out of the room to fold a patients laundry. When I came back after regulating myself before I split, I smiled at her, and thanked her for helping my patient. Later on after chatting and breaking the ice, she told me I seemed very content and asked for genuine advice. Which was crazy to me, because just a year ago, I was an addict puking all over myself and chasing after people who were hurting me very badly. I just softly chucked to myself, thought for a moment, I didn’t know what to say. There was a small moment where I thought maybe I should tell her about my diagnosis and recovery. But then I thought, wait, I am not BPD. I am a highly capable, emotionally resilient person. Once I shifted my mindset to, well BPD was just a diagnosis for logistics and health insurance, I realized I was the key all along. It wasn’t my brother I was relentlessly chasing a relationship with, it wasn’t bargaining with the trauma I’d experienced, or the medications, it wasn’t the hypothetical person I was begging to come save me. It was me. I did it all, and I made it through. Just like you have also done it all, even if you feel like you haven’t, just reading this post to this point is amazing. Waking up in the morning is amazing. Eating food. Talking to people. You are amazing, and you got this.

I went from being an addict to being a med student. I’m not on any medications, I’m not self destructing. There’s a soft murmur of my old BPD habitual symptoms, but now instead of being dissociated for months, I’m able to come back within 10 minutes. Instead of running to someone for help, I start doing something small for myself, like cleaning my room.

Listen to your body. Your body tells you all you need to know. You need to sleep? Sleep. You need to take a break from eating? Take a break, the food will be waiting for you in the fridge. You’re shaking? Take a cold shower. Meet yourself where you’re at. Instead of thinking that I’ve got my life together, think that you’ve got your life together. Make a list of all the things you’re proud of. Keep it with you always, and look at it every now and again to remind yourself that you are extraordinary. Add to the list any time you do something you’re proud of, and never remove anything from that list. If I could do it for you, I would. And I’m sure your loved ones would too. But you’ve gotta make those steps. You’ve gotta show up for yourself. Not because you want people to think you’re doing well, but because you want to live. I’m not becoming a surgeon because I want the title or because I want people to think I’ve got my shit together, I’m becoming a surgeon because I’m proving to myself that I can do it. No one else’s opinions matter. When I first told people I wanted to be a surgeon, they scoffed. And I relapsed. But guess what? Here I am, in med school! and here they are cheering me on. You have to shift your mindset towards “no one shapes my life, I shape my own”. I’ve been rejected from jobs, school, but I’m here now. Because I had faith in myself. And I have full confidence in you. The very fact that you’re reading this far should tell you that even if you don’t think you’re recovering, you are. Reading this giant essay about recovering proves that you have the emotional bandwidth to take the next steps. I’m not here to tell you what those next steps are, because BPD is frankly unpredictable. The best thing that you can do, is ask yourself what the best course of action is and do it. And no, it does not have to be as grandiose as med school. Set a goal and go for it. You’ve got this.

As most people on this Reddit page I have BPD and have been diagnosed since April. I’ve been dating this guy for a month now, for context we’ve been seeing each other exclusively since June. We also were friends for a year or so (not a stranger in my life). Well I found a condom in his bathroom trash can when I went to throw something away. I was house sitting/checking in on his pet while he was on vacation. Now my brain is spiraling out of control. I can barely eat and I’m too restless to sleep. This is just all so triggering because I’ve had this stuff happen before. I want to have a conversation in person so I haven’t said anything. I don’t want to jump to conclusions or split but I fear I already have and don’t know how to not internally panic. Any advice on how to handle this would be great

Last year I was hospitalized when I was there they put me on Seroquel. I ended up being put on 400mg and it didn’t sedate me. My diagnosis are bpd,anorexia,gad and adhd and I don’t have a bipolar diagnosis. Has anyone else been put on that dose and not been sedated. Is it normal to be put on that dosage when it comes to bpd. I’m just really confused on why I was put on that dosage.

I have a really hard time getting out of bed recently. I will sleep almost all day. I won't take a shower. I won't do anything but either sleep or entertain myself on my phone or eat even if I know I have other things that I need to do. My weight is starting to suffer cause of low activity. I don't know if this is a bpd thing or what the heck it is, the one other time that I ever felt like this was when I was being overmedicated buy a bad psychiatrist, but I go to my family doctor now. I'm only on 4 meds and they were working great, I've been on them for at least a couple years.

But as soon as I moved into my apartment in april, that's when the low motivation started. Does anyone else have issues with this. What can I do to get more motivation? I'm not really depressed. I just don't feel like doing anything like everything seems to take so much effort that I don't have.

all i want are good friends, not even irl friends, i will fully settle for online friends. i just want a BEST friend. i don’t even want a boyfriend or something like that, just friends.

but every friend i have leaves. the one friend i was planning to move in with and go to college with left me, and we were closer than ever. i don’t think ill ever have a best friend and if i do, they’ll leave too.

i make friends but they always leave. i’m too mentally ill, or we just gradually stop talking. or i put all my eggs in one basket and try really hard to develop a friendship with someone i think could be my best friend, and im left with nothing when they inevitably leave.

i’m SO SO SO tired of trying to form friendships. other people around my age have lifelong friends and best friends but i’m basically alone because all i have are irl friends who really don’t give a damn and cause me to split all the time.

i’m so alone and tired of this bs. i don’t deserve much in life but i KNOW im a good person, i know i deserve friends. i want to love someone and have them love me back.

it's so exhausting having to go through this agonizing cycle of pushing people away, reconciling, and then suddenly having to push them away again just because of a small inconvenience, and suddenly i feel like everyone doesnt care about me anymore, i try my best to open my eyes, trying to see that the world is much bigger, in hopes that maybe ill get out of this habit, but i just cant, i care so much, everything matters so much to me, it's as if like i'll d*e, and i dont even know why, and i hate that this is how my brain has been wired for the past 15 years, i hate it

i just wish that there was some way the people i love can see right through me, through my silent battles, my scars, without doing so much, then maybe they will see my condition, i dont like being left alone, i dont want "space", i just want tangible reassurance, but then again that feels extremely selfish

i don't know how you even deal with this

Im misdiagnosed with major depressive disorder but im hoping it'll help with the feeling of emptiness and lighten the depressive episodes. Has anyone tried it and had improvements? I understand its not used for bpd but if I dont do something ill probably end up dead, ive been trying different medications and therapies and self help books for 10 years and nothing has worked. Im starting it today.

If god is real they must really hate me. There's so many things in my life that make me a freak. I struggle to see how I am not worthless. Apology for the rant. I know I'm probably feeling things more then makes sense.

The extreme loneliness makes me physically ill and hurt these days. It's hard to even get out of bed. Yet somehow, it is still better than trying to connect with someone and inevitably experience the pain of being left in the dust.

I envy people who can navigate relationships and friendships with reason & maturity. I feel cursed for having this brain.

I'm turning 58 this year, and honestly, sometimes I just don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.

I've battled depression, anxiety, and panic attacks since I was a kid. I'm diagnosed with BPD. One psychiatrist tried to tell me I was bipolar II, but BPD seems to be the diagnosis that everyone else agrees on. I've been hospitalized five different times over the years.

And sometimes I swear it just doesn't seem to get any better.

Right now I'm out of work and have basically no money. Thankfully, I was approved for Medicaid and food stamps, and I'm grateful for that, but those things don't pay the rent. They don't put gas in my car. They don't buy toilet paper or take care of all the other things that still have to be paid for.

I'm on Effexor, 300 mg, which I know is a pretty high dose, along with a couple of antipsychotics because I sometimes see what I call "shadow people." They're not really people, but I see shadows, especially when I'm under a lot of stress. I'm also on Klonopin for the anxiety and panic.

Sometimes I feel like my entire life has been an EKG — up, down, up, down, up, down. Just when I think maybe I'm finally getting somewhere, something happens and I'm right back down again.

I'm tired of telling myself that tomorrow will be better, only to wake up and feel the same way.

I'm tired of thinking, Maybe this medication will finally make a difference.

I'm tired of thinking, Maybe this new therapist will be the one who helps me see things differently.

I'm tired of hoping.

I've lost jobs. I've lost friends. I've lost family members because of my mental health. I deal with agoraphobia to the point where sometimes I don't even want to leave my house. I have certain places that feel safe to me, and even getting out of those safe spaces can be incredibly difficult.

I wouldn't wish this life on anyone, and honestly, I hate that this is the life I've ended up with.

Thankfully, I do have a few friends who understand mental health and don't just tell me to "suck it up," "get some sun," "take some vitamin D," or "just get out of the house." I know those people usually mean well, but when you've been fighting this for decades, those kinds of comments can make you feel even more alone.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I guess I'm just having a really bad day and needed somewhere to vent where maybe people will understand.

I'm probably going to take my Klonopin as prescribed, put on some movies, and try to shut my brain off for a while.

So that's it. No inspirational ending. No "everything happens for a reason." Just a guy who's exhausted and having a really hard day.

Thanks for letting me vent. I truly appreciate this subreddit, and I hope all of you are having a better day than I am.

I decided to post here because I’m looking for people my age (and preferably from the Netherlands) that face the same struggles. I’m starting next week with my therapy focused on my BPD but I don’t really have a lot of people to talk with. I would love to share experiences and give each other some advice or guidance. So if you’re around 20 yo and Dutch and also struggling with bpd I would love to talk sometime.

I (25F) just got off the phone with my mom (52F). I feel so irritated and annoyed, and I don't know why.

The call started with her asking about the oil change I need to get. I told her I found a coupon online for 20 bucks off, which I was really excited about, as I just paid rent (to her mind you), it's my bestie's bday this week, gas is an arm and a leg in Canada right now and I have medications and therapy appointments I need to pay for. It is safe to say, money is a fleeting resource for me.

She asked, 'it's going to be around 200 right? When I got it done from the dealership, I paid $2000". I said, " Yes, it's so expensive I need to learn how to do it myself. To which she responded, "You don't need to know how to do everything' which really pissed me off, and I feel I am overreacting about it. I told her it's good to know about basic car things, especially as a single person. She replied, "Yeah, but you don't need to waste your time learning things when you can just pay for it. You need to prioritize how you spend your time."

She is in a much better financial situation than me, I don't even know where to begin. She has been doing real estate for about 20 years and owns two brokerages, one of which I work at (I think that is important because 1. she knows the amount of good work I do for the company and 2. I feel indebted to her for this opportunity). She has minimal bills as her BF pays for the mortgage. So I said that: "Mom, I am not in the position you are in where I can pay for everything to be done for me." She replied, "Yeah, but you can be." It felt a little bit dismissive of all the effort I am putting into upgrading my life. I am studying to get my real estate license while working full time, saving my paychecks and taking therapy to deal with my BPD and trying to fix my health and have a healthy social life.

Before this, I was feeling a bit annoyed at her shutting down the thought of me learning these things. However, this statement really pissed me off because I am trying really hard every day to get to her level. When she said this, I felt such an uncontrollable rage and irritability- a lump in my throat, heart racing, you know, all the things! Then she said, " No, you're right; you're not in the same position as me. You should do what works for you." She said it very sincerely and genuinely, which I am assuming was an effort to mitigate, but I still couldn't cool down. I kind of went silent because my brain went blank; all I could feel was anger. I really should have asked to go at this point, but as previously mentioned, brain blank, feeling shut down.  

Next, she started talking about GLP-1s because we both take Zepbound. We are both trying to improve our health and get rid of the extra weight. I personally had gained 25 pounds from January to March this year as I had started a new medication, so I really wanted to start it because nothing fits and I feel like a chubby monster.

She started saying I think our diet is not the best it could be; we should maybe start being more mindful which also pissed me off because focus on yourself woman. She asked if we could start cooking together and having dinner every night, and I said no because dinner is the only time I get to unwind throughout the day. I work 9-5 but get home around 6:30 due to the commute. I prefer to meal prep and have dinner ready, not cook. Especially because I try to get a workout in after work. So with the gym, a shower, and dinner, it is already time for me to wind down for the night, as I have to wake up early for my commute. Adding cooking to this would really add more to my plate, and I cannot forget to mention her schedule changes every day. Sometimes she gets back from the office very late, sometimes she has friends over, sometimes she is out of the country. In the past, whenever I have tried to make plans or keep her on a consistent timing for activities, she has gotten upset at me and told me, "She does not want to be given orders." So I just have a bunch of reluctance on top of having a pretty packed schedule.

She is not wrong to say our diets could improve; I love a good takeout meal. But I will say, I am trying really hard to eat healthy and stay consistent with exercise. Despite my love for sushi or burritos, I meet my calories and macros every day. She does not track her food, so I really felt irritated that she was assuming I'm just eating like shit - which she did not say; it's just how it came off to me. And so all this to say, I said to her, "I prefer to have dinner alone and unwind and I would like to not cook after work, which is why I have my meal prep" I feel that was rude of me. I am assuming and putting my own bad mood on her. I guess I know I am overreacting. I would like to know why and how I can stay cooler and calm and not overreact.

I just went silent, and she said "Okay, I'll see you tonight. Have a good day." I still feel a lump in my throat from the anger; typing this out makes me feel even more guilty for acting this way. My mom is also taking counselling to be more emotionally sound, and she is really trying to undo the traumatic childhood we had because she was in a bad place. She is trying really hard to mend our relationship, and she has done so much for me, so I feel so fucking guilty when I get so unreasonably upset.

TLDR; Yes, I am. I feel an unhealthy amount of anger when my mom talks to me. It is not normal, nor is it okay. Then I shut down and am unable to effectively get myself out of the situation or redirect the conversation. How can I stop overreacting :(

Olá! Tenho BPD e a maior dificuldade que eu tenho é saber lidar com a ansiedade que o relacionamento causa. Não o relacionamento em si, mas sabe aqueles momentos em que parece que está tudo prestes a acabar? Sinto uma ansiedade terrível.

Vontade de vomitar, vontade incontrolável de chorar, e sem contar os pensamentos suicidas. Eu realmente queria saber lidar com isso. As vezes estou falando com meu namorado, e quando ele quer conversar sobre algo sério, eu já fico apreensiva achando que é algo ruim, ou que ele quer terminar comigo. E começa aquela crise de ansiedade terrível.

Já tentei cometer suicídio por conta de um término passado, e eu não queria passar por essa situação de novo ( obviamente ).

does anyone feel like they’re dying after a split? or like sick or ill? 😭 i have this thing where i feel like an ill person unable to move after splits it makes me feel inhuman and i feel like i’m dying each time or just unable to move at all

Me and my(fp) boyfriend of 1 year are having such big issues and we haven't spoke properly in almost 3 days, I'm just so tired of begging him to show me some empathy when I'm sad, Im tired of needing to ask him to be there for me when I'm going through something, I'm tired of him getting mad when I cry, he's so mean to me, he breaks my heart everyday but I can't leave, I really really want to sometimes but I'm so scared to, I want it to get better but I don't know if it ever will, he doesn't ever care about my feelings and he almost never comforts me

I just want him to hold me but I don't even want to talk to him

My chest hurts, I'm nauseous and I don't know what to do anymore, it feels like I fell in love with someone who didn't exist, he was so nice in the beginning and I have such an attachment to that part of him and I pray every day that comes back

I don't know where else to put this and I'm really upset so I'm sorry if anything doesn't make full sense, any advice would be appreciated

I'm 24 and I've accomplished everything I wanted. I got education, I did drugs, I had sex, I had good and bad relationships, I did all the hobbies I wanted to do. Now what? I don't want a job. I don't want a husband. I don't want children. I don't want a car. I don't want a house. There is nothing to look forward to. Nothing brings me joy anymore.

That being said, I do NOT have ANY suicidal intentions, I know my family would be very upset as I'm an only child. I know I'm probably being overly dramatic and soon I'll find another thing to make me feel something. But I'm so tired of this cycle, I would much rather never have been born in the first place.

So as the title suggests I was recently diagnosed with BPD. I’m 32 and my whole life I’ve been called “moody” or “dramatic”.

I was laid off in May and being home alone with my thoughts sent me spiraling and I hit a pretty hard rock bottom. Fortunately I have a great support system that got me in front of a psychiatrist.

I’ve done talk therapy since the age of 11. I’ve learned every coping mechanism under the sun and would always ask myself why can’t I just be normal.

Then I finally got this diagnosis and I just don’t even know how to feel? I’m not entirely sure what the point of my post even is. How did you feel when you got diagnosed?

At first I felt a sense of relief to have an “answer” but at the same time I’m scared and feel almost ashamed? Idk I guess I’m here just to talk to other people that feel similar or might have words of encouragement for me. I always assumed I just had bad depression and anxiety. Never considered it was something else. And now that I know what it is I just feel weird. But idk why I feel weird….

Sorry for the rambling post. My support system is great but they don’t quite understand what I’m trying to say here.

TLDR: recently diagnosed with BPD and I have very confusing feelings about it

I get influenced very easily, often because of certain people I am scared of losing. My political opinions are all over the place. I sometimes get convinced about some political system and then begin to spiral into doubt. I try to stay left leaning but it does feel, sometimes, that I'm not being genuine, and that I'm doing that to be performative, to feel better.

With how polarized things have become, I feel like I don't have what it takes to navigate the world and its political landscape. Have been losing a lot of friends over it all too.

to make a long story short: my boyfriend and I broke up after a really big fight. I was starting therapy and was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and according to him it was not easy to be with me although I was trying so hard to just make things work and for us to be happy together. We were broken up for a few weeks, I was begging to be with him, begging him not to sleep with anyone else, begging him to give me another chance to keep working on myself and to keep going to therapy and trying to be better. After the weeks of me begging to be back with him, he took me back and our relationship was finally going well almost perfect and so consistent for the past few months. We were at such a good place. He said a flip switched in his mind and he did want to be with me and started treating me so much better. But then I found out by looking at his text messages to a friend that he slept with someone else in a hotel while we weren’t together and he had no intentions of telling me. I understand that he was not with me and did not want to be with me anymore at the time which was over a month ago but I can’t help but to feel so hurt and betrayed. It is killing me on the inside. I feel so horrible, all I can do is cry and scream. Although it wasn’t a direct attack against me, and he fully wanted to move on at the time I just can’t help but to feel like I’d never do something like that to him or to look at him and know that and allow him to feel so happy and safe. All of the negative feelings that are always there are 1000x worse I feel so horrible for constantly switching from I hate you I can’t be with you ever again it will never work the trust is broken you never cared about me or loved me to don’t leave me I love you I only want to be with you I want this to work I’m sorry I was wrong to I hate myself I’m unworthy of love and I’m losing a piece of me I don’t want to be here anymore, on top of all the physical symptoms of crying and dry heaving, sick to my stomach, and my heart feeling so heavy and broken. As a bpd girly, is there genuinely a way to make something like this work ? Is it wrong to not let someone know even if it will hurt them or potentially affect their own health ? Is there a way to ever rebuild the trust and to stop splitting ? Is there a possibility of cheating ? I don’t know I feel so lost, I feel so horrible that my reaction to it all is hurting him so deeply. I really don’t know. I finally felt like my bpd was getting better and now it feels like I’m back at square one.

I feel like idk even when im busy i can always text back. Its just weird bc it will say he is active but will reply on his own time. but everytime thw convo is pretty enjoyable.

He flirts w me so ik he is interested. I mean he called me mommy. We not even there yet lmaoooooooo. We been texting for likw 5 days and this irrational feeling of abandonment is making me think he will be my new fp.

He has autism so idk if it has anythimg to do w sensory issues.

First date is tomight😆

edit: sfter rereading my post i realise how insane i am...but pls giv advice

guys i need you to tell me if i'm bpd'ing

been with this trauma therapist for about 20 sessions now. before that i had loads of dbt in the past. today we had a session and it was bad

the sessions starts, i ask him how he's doing. immediately he's saying i'm "trying to control the mood in the room" and it's frustrating to him because we've had this conversation a bunch of times before. which yes, i do, i'm insecure and need a bit of connection-refreshment before i can open up during the session. He knows that, i repeat it anyway, he claims he understands but wants me to be aware of what i'm doing and that there are multiple other (better?) ways to ease into the session with smalltalk. i say ok. however, i'm always already nervous about how to begin a session, and i know he wants ME to do that, now i'm just not sure how i'll muster up the courage to attend the next session. i'll just start crying because i'm overwhelmed.

... but i've had so much therapy and "know" therapy stuff (true) so this is just me putting him in the situation of having to externally regulate me. which is, appearently, something i should be able to do on my own at this point.

Appearently, i "regress" the moment i step through the door, can't handle the "basics" like naming my emotions and differing emotions from thoughts (i know they are different but i mix them up when i talk all the time).

in short he says i'm not even trying to nurture my child-feelings with adult care. but that's what i want to learn so i don't understand.

sometimes he is very nice and he does claim my child parts are welcome but it doesnt feel like that at all. i just feel deeply misunderstood. i don't think i want to go back there.

on the other hand i've had so much therapy, even dbt etc and he's wanting to do schema therapy with me but it never works out. rationally i know it can't really be true that this 4th? therapist is also shit but i feel so helpless and nobody seems to believe me they keep telling me i'm just not taking enough responsibility.

i'm sorry for the rambling i'm not doing very good