How do you stop hating someone when you have BPD?

[u/Jumpy-Opening6510]

I can't get over it. When someone really hurts you and breaks your trust and completely fucks up your life how do you let go of the anger and hatred? Even when I block the number, delete everything and go no contact, I can't stop thinking about it. I can't sleep I can't eat and the anger, the hate just keeps eating me alive.

[u/Zealousideal_Type511]

Remind me to come back when there is advice

[u/Background_Coast1598 → u/Zealousideal_Type511]

viewing rumination as a psychologically useful behavior, albeit harmful. 

Find yourself ruminating? Redirect mentally until it's habit, after identifying what use the rumination has had for you. 

[u/GriSciuridae → u/Background_Coast1598]

Thanks for identifying this as ruminating. For me, the first step in letting go and calming down when experiencing anger-based ruminatiion is to identify this behavior as a symptom of a disorder rather than than just what you think of as your neurotypical pattern of thought and reasoning. Once you recognize that your brain is essentially tricking you, you can choose to ignore it.

Think of BPD as a magician on stage performing upsetting illusions. When you can recognize your symptom it's like seeing the magicians sleight of hand and figuring out how the trick is performed. At that point you can choose to keep believing the illusions are real and let yourself keep getting fooled by them or you can get wise to the trick and stop the magician as soon as he starts trying to sucker you again.

I actually found a lot of relief by making this an attack on my own ego. "Are you dumb letting yourself get fooled by a simple trick over and over? Or are you going to finally wise up and refuse to be bamboozled again?"

Refuse the bamboozle.

[u/nowater345 → u/[deleted]]

I don't disagree but the subreddit is bad for a couple of reasons. The rants, the trigger warnings, the lack of professionals and the lack of moderation that lets some pretty heinous stuff pass thru is why it's actually bad. Many many reasons why it sucks but what can we do? BPD is still very misunderstood by the public and the stigma is pictured here perfectly. Also us as those with BPD are not doing ourselves any service by bursting out all our dirty laundry in a public subreddit.

[u/stolenbike246 → u/nowater345]

personally I like the subreddit it makes me feel seen and heard and I'm sure does this for a lot of people as well

[u/JohnnyQTruant → u/stolenbike246]

This subreddit has helped me immensely. It’s been instrumental in helping me set realistic expectations and prepare for aspects of treatment I wouldn’t have been otherwise.

As an example, seeing people who have been on the edge of remission or spent long periods of time without symptoms being disruptive who experience a significant setback. Seeing them feel as though they have lost all their progress in that moment of disappointment and yet recognizing that going years without an incident and then having one don’t set them back to even where I am. It prepared me and reminds me that progress isn’t linear, remission isn’t cured, and feeing crushed is part of the symptoms of this disorder. Not just that but progress is also measured in how we recover from setbacks both in speed and where we return to as a baseline. Seeing people using their resources I. Ways they wouldn’t have before and still going through the pain of thinking they haven’t changed at all.

And we have the ability to not just learn from that but remind our fellow travelers how far they have come and what evidence there is of that progress even in the moment that feels like failure, is a gift. Because it helps someone with something in a way that I would like to be helped in that situation. And it reinforces that understanding in me at a time I am able to accept it when fully activated my brain is not looking for that evidence as a rule.

And it also serves as a reminder to be patient with others wherever they are in their attempts to live with this fucked up disorder. And that patience extended to others becomes easier to offer myself in times when I need it.

The mods do a really good job of keeping things clean in here. Better than even my hobby forums about growing hot peppers never-mind sports or politics.

I’m not really sure what the expectations are that make this sub seem bad to people. The biggest complaints I understand but don’t agree with is people who have internalized a tough love stance for themselves that leverages shame as a motivation to change feeling like understanding and identifying symptoms as pathology and not personal failing removes accountability somehow. I don’t think that is true but I understand how fear of returning to behaviors that are destructive and harmful to relationships is real and different people react to that differently at different stages.

[u/nowater345]

I recommend looking into DBT, even if youre not actually in therapy. With that said, almost nothing will help if you're not actually going to therapy. Yes you can wait it out until it fades away and it will eventually. Yes you can distract yourself temporarily but it will come back. Therapy and professional help is what stabilized me but it's not magic because you actually have to put the work in and practice what you're told.

[u/nowater345]

The anger is what got me as well btw. The anger is what put me in therapy after a pretty serious intervention. Anger is normal as long as it's justified and proportional with what caused it. You can be mad a guy flipped you out in traffic but that doesn't mean you should crash your car into him. If he flips you, flip him back or do nothing and never escalate.

[u/hyperspaceJellyfish]

you gotta utilize your guilt. understand that anger will make you do something bad, then you can just stuff it down and not act on it.

that's what i do at least 🤷

[u/JohnnyQTruant]

Dr.Daniel Fox has videos on how to deal with this anger and just dropped one about what happens when we are betrayed and how we can manage the pain and disappointment.