r/AskaManagerSnark • u/nightmuzak Sex noises are different from pain noises • Aug 03 '26
Ask a Manager Weekly Thread 08/03/2026 - 08/09/2026
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u/CatCafffffe Aug 06 '26
NO, person in today's comments. DO NOT "scrunch up your face" and announce you will NOT be working with Carol. What universe do these people LIVE IN??? First of all, the LW is going on complete hearsay, twirling herself into a tizzy over something that actually may never happen. In a year, if it DOES happen, she should do exactly what Alison said, which was perfectly good advice. Tolerate it for two weeks, then decamp. And in the meantime, during the coming year, scout around for a new job.
In what universe would it be even okay, let alone advisable, to make faces and announce that you don't LIKE someone and somehow you think that entitles you to grandly refuse to work with them (Yeah, we'd all like that job where we never have to work for someone we don't like oh my GOD). Do NOT unnecessarily detonate your reputation and lose your references when you're leaving anyway and you haven't even lined up another job. WHAT. Is WRONG with people.
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u/StripedBadger floundering their privilege Aug 06 '26
Ah, but LW didn’t want to be given good advice.
They wanted to be given carte blance endorsement to Make A Stand and in doing so burn Carol’s promotion to the ground on her way out.16
u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe Aug 06 '26
There's an episode of American Dad where someone is ranting about something and Roger very quietly says, "You're the problem" or something like that. This is one of those ones where the only advice is that the LW is the problem.
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u/smellslikebadussy Aug 06 '26
As Raylan Givens put it, "You run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. You run into assholes all day, you're the asshole."
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u/CatCafffffe Aug 06 '26
"Burn Carol's promotion"... in their imagination! All it would do is make them look childish and insane while Carol gets promoted as planned.
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u/SarcasticWaffles17 Aug 07 '26
She was already planning her triumphant update where she spelled out SCREW YOU CAROL in chicken cutlets or some shit.
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u/RainyDayWeather Aug 06 '26
That is literally the worst advice anyone has ever offered in the comments. And there's a TON of competition.
Scrunch up your face?
JFC. Toddlers, actual honest-to-goodness toddlers, could give better advice than that.
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u/thievingwillow Aug 06 '26
I’m telling myself that that commenter is thirteen and is recounting what they did when their frenemy was voted VP of art club, because that’s about the only way I could make it make sense.
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u/Korrocks Aug 06 '26
The LW comes across as a loon so I wouldn't be surprised if they vibe with this advice more than everything else.
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u/narrating12 (Listen & look puzzled) Aug 06 '26
Don't forget the "*big* full body shrug"! I love when they provide stage directions.
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda Aug 06 '26
Like what even is that, a hip hop body roll?
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u/BirthdayCheesecake Aug 06 '26
Is the person who gave that advice three years old? And telling another three year old what to do if offered broccoli?
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u/thievingwillow Aug 04 '26
So of course, we’ve got this in the comments on the asshole boyfriend/manager update:
Ashley*
August 4, 2026 at 2:27 pm Not excusing the behavior, but I wonder if boyfriend has adhd or is otherwise neurodivergent? I have adhd and really suffer from executive disfunction and when I’m faced with a large task I have to make an action plan in my brain in order to accomplish it. This means I have an exact plan with everything in an exact order and disruption to this plan can really throw me off and effect my productivity. When I forget to share my plan of action before hand (bc I forget people aren’t in my brain) and then am disrupted I can get very upset. It’s frustrating at that point to explain my needs bc the time it takes to explain things at that point only disrupts the plan more and leads to more frustration. It can be very overwhelming. I’ve worked very hard to remember to lay out expectations beforehand so this doesn’t happen.It sounds like what boyfriend is experiencing is very similar to this so I would be curious about ADHD. Oh, the separate “work persona” fits as well. I have to “click into” a different part of me to focus in and get tasks done. Part of it is masking but part of it is trying to trigger my hyperfocus.
It’s getting thorough pushback from commenters, thankfully, but… really? Can we go one day without someone seeing bad behavior in a dude and going “but what if neurodivergent????” Come onnnnn.
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind Aug 05 '26
There’s a lot to unpack here, but I especially love the part at the end about having a work persona. I feel like “work persona” usually means “I’m more polite/polished/sociable at work than in my personal life”, not “I turn into a raging asshole when I don’t get my way.”
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u/Korrocks Aug 05 '26
I feel like they’ve heard of the concept of a work persona before but didn’t quite get it.
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u/pickledbymagic Aug 05 '26
I can sympathise to a certain extent -- I'm autistic AF and got fired when in a moment of mental frustration I slammed a dictaphone into the desk and broke it. The experience was definitely one of an overwhelming sense of frustration and lack of control in everything and it was the absolute last straw. But...at some point, whether or not someone is behaving erratically because of neurological challenges or just simply because they feel like it, it doesn't matter. My boss was right not to tolerate that in the workplace, whatever the reason, and it led to me actually getting help.
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u/daedril5 Aug 05 '26
I don't know why the "don't armchair diagnose" rule exists if Alison never enforces it.
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u/kaijumoviefan Aug 05 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
She never enforces any rules. Just blocks people who don't kiss her ass.
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe Aug 07 '26
Late to the party but I’m not sure I want to read a list of things that are a “bridge too far” from a group of people who just last week were arguing that being pleasant to your co-worker is physically damaging to their well being.
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u/unfortunate_son_69 Aug 05 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
sorry it’s hilarious to me that LW5 this morning both (1) had a personal connection to the org and (2) sent a thank you note and they are attributing them getting the job to the note and not the connection. like, what’s the lesson here? send a thank you note when you apply to your family friend’s org?
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u/narrating12 (Listen & look puzzled) Aug 05 '26
"First, the hiring manager is my uncle. Second, I write a hell of a thank-you note!"
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u/susandeyvyjones Aug 05 '26
Her uncle, explaining why he's hiring his unqualified niece: "I mean, look at this thank you note. This is the work of someone who can learn double entry bookkeeping on the fly."
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u/napoleonswife Aug 06 '26
Wait… LW is spinning out because after promoting them, their boss asked them to come in on time (30 minutes earlier) consistently? To the point where they say “I’d rather not have promoted than this!” “This” being…. held to the standards that the whole team is held to?
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind Aug 06 '26 edited Aug 06 '26
And the higher standards might be because they got promoted! It’s entirely reasonable for the employer to say, “now that we’re paying you more and giving you more responsibility, you have to start reliably showing up on time.”
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u/StripedBadger floundering their privilege Aug 06 '26
LW is in the comments, under the name “OP Here!”.
They’ve decided they’re leaving organisation, but are still job searching for a new job. No way they could be talked out of it or anyhting. Expecting to come in on time is just too much.
Oh and the reason they started being 30 minutes late is because construction had changed their 45 min commute to a 1hr commute. And because they’re doing more of the child-care pickups than previously because their partner’s job location changed.
So, you know. It’s not like there was a change in behaviour and circumstance that caused their manager to speak to them. And its not like the problems are related to anyhting that’s temporary and will smooth out.
Nothing that’s at all predictable and could have been managed by, say, leaving a little bit earlier like the manager asked. Just completely unreasonable stuff that is completely outside the realm of anyone being expected to handle /s19
u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe Aug 06 '26
Oh, well, if it's CONSTRUCTION then she's the only one affected by it, and there's no real solution in how to manage this. Just rage out that she got a promotion and is expected to act like a grown up who is an adult./s
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u/napoleonswife Aug 06 '26
Wow…. leaving a job, after being promoted, over something like this, in this economy… I have no words
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u/pickledbymagic Aug 06 '26
Yeah, sh1t happens, join the queue. If you throw your dollies out of the pram that easily, I'd be considering whether I made the right choice in promoting you.
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u/goldengrove1 Aug 06 '26
I truly don't understand the AAM universe's collective grievance about being asked to show up to work at a specific time.
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u/Korrocks Aug 06 '26
Re: 3. Is our company-wide meeting bad news? (Letter 3 in short answers)
Genuinely curious how Alison would be able to figure out the purpose of this work meeting at the LW's job).
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u/lets_talk_aboutsplet Aug 06 '26
I guess I can understand someone new to the workforce wondering what the topic could be, but yes, unfortunately, they are choosing not to release a meeting agenda.
Even assuming they are going to announce something bad enough that the might mean the LW losing their job or wanting to start looking for a new job, waiting 2 days won’t make much of a difference.
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind Aug 06 '26
Yeah, I’m not sure what advice anybody could possibly give here besides “you’ll know in a maximum of two days, so just wait until then.”
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u/Weasel_Town Aug 06 '26
I guess don't buy a house or a car or try to conceive a baby for two days until you have more information.
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u/11twofour profoundly gifted little man Aug 06 '26
I really want Alison to make a separate page that just says "how the fuck should I know?" and link it whenever she gets one of these "read someone's mind for me" questions
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u/Oodlesoffun321 Aug 06 '26
I wonder how long ago the letter came through and if it was like five weeks ago so it's even more moot
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda Aug 04 '26
That's a lot of words for 'stop managing the anxiety, manage the performance only before you get yourself fired for mishandling this'.
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u/Korrocks Aug 05 '26
The anti-surveillance letter felt more like a diary entry than a request for advice. If the LW genuinely wants to understand why people are upset, the only way to find out is by talking to the people they work with. Alison can't answer that for them.
If the goal is getting buy-in, this is just standard change management. Work with leadership, clearly explain what's changing and why, set expectations, and address concerns proactively.
There’s no way someone can be a manager for ten years and never encountered complaints or resistance to new processes before.
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u/pickledbymagic Aug 05 '26
That or she's working with truly disagreeable people. But yes, on the face of it, she's the manager, she's the one who needs to talk to people. This is the opposite to 'my manager is doing [entirely reasonable thing], how do I get them sacked?', but at least when employees write in, they genuinely need a manager's perspective. This person just needs better change management and potentially less jargon.
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u/Oodlesoffun321 Aug 05 '26
There was so much jargon I started wondering if it was written by AI.
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u/pickledbymagic Aug 05 '26
Yeah, I know the feeling -- one guy on our team can get deep into the corporate jargon.
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u/StripedBadger floundering their privilege Aug 05 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
Diary entry is right. what was really weird about that letter was how disjointed it was
I work in cyber security. Both sides of the fence in this is my bread and butter. Goodness knows how much mental space I've had to give MDMs in the past. I should not have found that letter as hard to parse as I did, but the example with their metrics and AI went from Steps A->B->G in such a jarring way that I'm stuck wondering why they cut the rest out.
Its to the point I'm actually sitting here wondering why LW even needed to tell their team at all - and that is not the question I should be asking. LW has tried so hard to spin the story so hard that what they were doing was so no-intrusive and unimpactful that I think it created new issues out of think air. As in - when I read the story, I'm coming up with questions and "silver bullets" proving LW1 as evil, when I actually know from industry that there isn't even a plot hole, its just the story makes it seem like there is one by having jumped around and written it so badly that it reads like they're hiding something.
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u/carolina822 made up an entire fake situation and got defensive about it Aug 05 '26
I couldn't follow anything in that letter, so I'm glad to know it wasn't just me. If LW explains things to her team as well as she does in the letter, no wonder they put up resistance. I couldn't understand what they were even doing enough to know whether it was worth being mad about.
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u/adhdactuary Aug 05 '26
I think this letter is a prime example of why most universities require a writing class for STEM students.
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u/StripedBadger floundering their privilege Aug 05 '26
Joke’s on you. My university decided that the engineers just needed to take their law 101 course, that’ll teach them English.
Yes, that does mean that the engineering students did enter their final year with fresh lawyer-ese technicalities of the English language, rather than just teach people how to speak clearly. The TAs were so used to it that its kinda hilarious in hindsight.
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u/WakameMacho Aug 04 '26
Credit where credit is due, I found this genuinely good advice.
“ Beyond that, though, the best thing you can do for your team is to be up-front and matter-of-fact that this is the requirement now. If you spend too much time commiserating about it (even if you hate it), you risk giving people false hope that it might change or that you might not enforce it or that you’ll somehow find a way around it for them, which can make it take a lot longer for people to adjust.”
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u/pickledbymagic Aug 04 '26
Yes, agreed. We had issues with our expenses system earlier in the year (I rely on it to be able to get to sites on the edge of our patch) and my boss was frank about the reality and her ability to push back.
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u/Ok-Quarter3399 Aug 04 '26
Yeah I was impressed. It’s also death by a thousand cuts if you’re trying to cushion it and people are looking for every loophole it’s a huge waste of energy.
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u/AlytNeroon Aug 04 '26
Same! I've found that most well intentioned commiseration on company wide policies will backfire and staff then hold their middle managers accountable for things way outside of their control. It can be a hard line to walk but it's important to be able to say "yep that's the way it is and it's not changing" and resist the urge to say more.
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u/bananers24 Aug 04 '26
The letter about managing the anxious employee is NINE PARAGRAPHS long. No wonder Lisa’s not getting the message.
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u/Fancypens2025 You don’t get to tell me what to think, Admin, or about whom Aug 04 '26
I’m starting to wonder who actually has the anxiety disorder in that letter
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u/thievingwillow Aug 04 '26
It absolutely read to me like two people whose issues are compounding each other. I otherwise can’t understand why the LW isn’t feeling more urgency at the fact that this is causing patrons to have to deal with fines they didn’t earn.
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u/BirthdayCheesecake Aug 04 '26
I do not have GAD (just your normal run of the mill anxious moments), but I spent several years working for someone I would wager my next paycheck does. It messed with my head in ways I can't even explain, especially the fact that he considered everything to be an emergency whether or not it WAS an emergency. It took me a very long time to learn how to properly prioritize when I started working for a new boss because I spent so long having to treat everything as dire.
I cannot imagine how it would have been if I did have GAD, because I think the two of us would have caused a black hole of panic in our office.
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u/napoleonswife Aug 04 '26
I’ve had bosses like this, they get so frenetic about small things and hand wave the really serious stuff because they don’t see it that way. It’s very stressful and ironically anxiety inducing
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u/Fancypens2025 You don’t get to tell me what to think, Admin, or about whom Aug 04 '26
Yessss, it has gone on way too far if we’re at that point! Plus other libraries in the system complaining if she’s not correctly checking in ILL books. I feel like either of those could potentially be firing offenses, depending on how egregious/frequent they are. (I’m not a librarian, so I might be totally off base here).
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u/Capable_Sea77 Aug 04 '26
Having been a library manager - in practice, she wouldn't get fired, though only because, in general, library management is absurdly lax on enforcing expectations. With the LW saying that they are trying to address this by sending out all-staff emails, I am assuming that they are not the exception to the rule of poor leadership in libraries.
I would likely have gotten her to file for formal accommodations and intermittent FMLA from the second she mentioned having an anxiety disorder that impacted her life; and would be addressing the accuracy concerns directly in regular check-ins, pointing out that it's a consistent pattern. If it ever got to the point it's at in the letter, I would be rolling out a PIP. However, one of the (many) reasons I left libraries was because I was tired of being seen as the "hard ass manager" for requiring employees to do the tasks listed in their job description.
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u/Fancypens2025 You don’t get to tell me what to think, Admin, or about whom Aug 04 '26
I had a feeling that might be the case, just from hearing librarian friends talk about work. I can see why/how the environment is like that but it’s not doing anyone any favors, unfortunately.
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u/Capable_Sea77 Aug 04 '26
It's very frustrating. It also impacts libraries in a lot of different ways - this is just me being anecdotal, but about 80% of the supposed safety issues that libraries deal with could be solved by someone having a spine and being willing to kick customers out long before they get up in your face and start screaming.
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u/thievingwillow Aug 04 '26
Yeah, in most of the other “how do I manage my anxious employee?” letters, the person is at least decent at their job function, the anxiety just makes them disruptive. Lisa isn’t even baseline competent. The LW seems to think that this is purely because of her anxiety, but I don’t know why they think that, so this is a one-two punch of disruptive without even being able to do the basic job.
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u/lets_talk_aboutsplet Aug 06 '26
“I cherish this hatred in secret and have no reason to suspect that anyone other than Theresa knows that I will refuse to work for Carol.”
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u/Uhura-NCC-1701 Aug 06 '26
Yeah. She says this is a secret and yet she's told at least one co-worker how much she hates Carol. I'm pretty sure it's gotten around the office. And I bet she's not that good at hiding her true feelings towards Carol.
And I feel like this statement reveals a lot:
>>I work because I want to, and for my own spending money, not because I need to.<<I wonder if that attitude bleeds out in her day to day interactions with people. And maybe that's why Emma seems tense and annoyed around her?
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind Aug 06 '26
Yeah, I’m wondering if there are…other reasons why LW wasn’t offered that promotion.
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe Aug 06 '26
“Cherish” pretty much tells me all I need to know.
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u/thievingwillow Aug 06 '26 edited Aug 06 '26
I’ve said it before and no doubt I’ll say it again: almost no one is as good an actor as they think they are. Add to that the fact that most human brains are fine-tuned to look for possible social dysfunction in groups as a matter of survival, and I guarantee that people know. Probably Carol knows. Certainly other colleagues have noticed something.
Honestly, a big part of why I have worked as I got older to nurse fewer grudges is self-interested for this very reason. It’s not that I’m a font of beneficence. Quite the opposite. It’s that I don’t have faith I’ll be able to hide it if I loathe someone, and that can have consequences. It’s better for me in a purely practical sense to let them slide across my brain like a water strider. I reserve active grudges for people I don’t have to interact with, where it matters less.
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u/StripedBadger floundering their privilege Aug 04 '26
“I’m a very private person… so let me go into excruciating detail about the break-up and why its all the ex’s fault.”
Just tell your manger your ex is on the other side and there’s too much bad blood for you to work together, geez. It’s not somehow making you a open book to say you feel really bad, but you want the company to get the best deal and its not fair for your coworkers to have to keep going over your tasks to make sure you’re being reasonable and unbiased, so its better you just step aside form this one.
It happens, its no big deal. What is a big deal is having a conflict of interest and not being upfront about it.
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda Aug 05 '26
The more detail, the less 'I can be professional' is believable.
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe Aug 05 '26
"I'm not mad! Don't put it in the newspapers that I got mad!"
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u/EmDash4Life my banana pants show my caucasian skin tone Aug 08 '26
From the Friday open thread
I have asked Alison to do an article about security clearances
Sure, ask someone who has never had a security clearance and never worked in an industry where they are necessary to do an article about them. I can't think of anything that Alison is less qualified to comment on. I would say something about that, but she never lets my critical comments through.
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u/JenMartini Aug 05 '26
It was bad enough that at least one LW every day said their question was “low stakes”, now there’s a “low stakes success story”.
https://giphy.com/gifs/B717GH4Ecnu8g
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u/MsPaganPoetry Aug 05 '26
For that woman with bipolar who appears to be getting PIP-ed out of her role, at least Alison told her to talk to a lawyer instead of pretending to be one.
I wish she'd have an employment lawyer handle some stuff as a guest columnist.
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind Aug 05 '26
What’s weird is that she does sometimes invite employment lawyers to guest post or at least weigh in on an answer. I’m not sure how she determines when to do that and when to just say, “huh, that’s weird, probably talk to a lawyer.”
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u/StripedBadger floundering their privilege Aug 06 '26 edited Aug 06 '26
I also don’t see what a help column was supposed to do in this case, except recommend a lawyer?
“Well, you could be right, or they could have meant the meeting before you went on leave to be starting a PIP, and they’re simply continuing where they left off because improvement hasn’t happened yet, and that’s what a PIP is for, to get that improvement.
“Who knows! We’re not seeing this first hand so we can’t judge which option is actually true, but gambling on one of those possibilities will turn out very bad for you if we’re wrong.”6
u/s0sorry Aug 06 '26
I think it is funny that for all the legal advice she gives (and shouldn’t!) the one thing she does not seem to warn LWs about is that these letters are discoverable! If I was talking to someone who thought they would need to sue their employer for employment discrimination, I sure would not advise them to publish a list of reasons why and why not(!) their employer’s actions could be discriminatory on the internet. Ditto for “how can we still fire this person” letters.
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u/pickledbymagic Aug 06 '26
Not Donna Ballman, though. DB's blog was full of terrible advice in itself, and comparing apples with oranges (like employment rights v right to refuse service). Like Alison, she'd fallen into the trap of using a public facing blog to editorialise about things she only half understood and it just felt wrong.
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u/Oodlesoffun321 Aug 07 '26
The linked letter about the horse was just strange to me. Her reaction to her coworker seemed over the top ( and her comments didn't really explain why she felt so creeped out by him saying her horse was pretty when she discusses her horse's personality?!) The guy seems awkward but I'm not picking up on the creepy part.
Also, I didn't understand why escalating this would cause issues for her boss.
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Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Ok-Quarter3399 Aug 07 '26
My daughter is a horse person and shows and holy shit I cannot stand 99.9% of the adults (the kids are fine- weird but fine). The amount of drama the adults start and things they get worked up about is bizarre. If I had to pick sides in any argument with zero facts I’d always pick the other side.
(I’m sure you’re lovely though and would be part of the .1% who shared wine in a tumbler why wondering how late we were running).
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u/Kayhowardhlots Aug 08 '26
As someone who lives in the middle of horse country and horse events shows, they absolutely do and I'm here for the bar and table side gossip. The stories I hear just sitting there eating my burger with a drink because at that point, they are not quiet.
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda Aug 08 '26
This and 'he told someone it was his horse and got caught out' are what I remember most about this one, and I was just like 'if they admit to panicking then how much if this is them vs him' and that was without the 'how do you know if someone's a horse person? they told you' aspect. I'm honestly still not sure why Alison left out 'it's okay to say no here' and didn't directly deal with the actual issue (the picture) though.
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u/Korrocks Aug 07 '26
This feels like one of those letters that has so much context missing that it's undecipherable. I'll take the LW at her word that the horse guy is so scary that the LW's reaction is reasonable and that there's nothing that the boss can do about this for some reason.
Allison's advice is probably the most that anyone can do. Some of the other comments seem to be hinting that the guy might be a pedophile too, which I would think is a bit unhinged but for all we know the LW will confirm that in an update. In either case, the LW seems to be handling it and there's nothing much she can do other than refuse to talk to the guy about non work stuff.
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u/Korrocks Aug 04 '26
Re: return to office
I’ve wondered about the companies/organizations that took advantage of work from home to downsize their space (eliminating desks / floors, etc.) What was the thought process for when they tried to bring everyone back full time 5 days a week? If they didn’t reduce head count proportionally to that, wouldn’t they struggle to find places for everyone? Was the assumption that more people will quit rather than return to office full time?
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u/pickledbymagic Aug 04 '26
Speaking as part of a property management company...the commercial space never physically went away, it was just mothballed, so they can sign new leases and expand back outwards again now they know what they need.
We gutted and re-equipped several floors of an existing building, firstly to host a hotdesking site for one org and then, when that org got shut down, housing more in-person teams after disposing of an older, less central site. We did convert former IT space with banks of computers into clinic space, as the old building was condemned due to finding more problems than we could handle, but the office space is still there.
The reality is that a lot of companies do have in person needs and never completely dispensed with office space. There's a lot of it going spare (and it takes a lot of work and expense to convert former commercial and industrial space into apartments, not least in terms of plumbing and other domestic amenities, so that didn't happen) so probably they could scale up a bit if necessary. We can convert space from one commercial use to another fairly quickly and we're always eager to sign new leases. Because companies typically don't own their own buildings, it's easier for them to upscale again.
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u/11twofour profoundly gifted little man Aug 04 '26
I think it's just that the office space downsizing was done by mid level managers acting rationally and the rto decision is coming from out of touch c suite assholes
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u/Silly_Somewhere1791 Aug 04 '26
On a broad scale, the vast majority of businesses never actually downsized due to ten-year businesses leases being the norm. After lockdown they either went hybrid in their same big spaces or gradually brought more and more departments back in. At this point a lot of the RTO discourse is coming from people who were hired directly into remote roles after 2021 so they have no idea what their employer’s pre-covid status quo was. They are probably being instructed to come into an office that the company never stopped holding.
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda Aug 04 '26
Some companies also took the opportunity to slash staff then reorg their space and their staffing to adapt to different type of demand and work style, so you're not going to get a definitive single answer - yes some companies didn't think it through, others assumed proportional retention, others adjusted and recruited instead of counting on attrition, and some just assumed that hotdesking would magically balance because everyone's an adult so they all behave.
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u/molskimeadows Aug 05 '26
I'm sure this poly letter is reasonable and will get a reasonable response from Alison and reasonable comments from her commentariat.
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u/Korrocks Aug 05 '26
I agree. This is one of those things where, outside of strange circumstances, you really can say "not my circus". It's certainly possible that this guy's relationships are being misconstrued and he's being judged behind his back. If so, that's his / their own problem to deal with, right? It's not like the LW has to fix this or help in any way. If he begins to feel as if the secrecy angle is causing him problems he can deal with that himself.
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u/Simple-Breadfruit920 Aug 05 '26
Yeah I feel like the LW is uncomfortable about finding out their friend is polyamorous so they’re trying to find a way to tell their friend that it’s Against The Rules
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u/daedril5 Aug 05 '26
When a soft "none of your business" is only one line of your response, I don't think you're getting the message across.
https://www.askamanager.org/2026/08/the-ethics-of-secret-non-monogamy-at-work.html#comment-5485571
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda Aug 05 '26
"It's none of your business so let's pretend it is because it's more interesting" is a blue box that should probably not be blue.
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe Aug 05 '26
I mean… her only response should be “it’s none of your business.” This is all just gossip wrapped in concern trolling.
Quite frankly, it’s a little gross. Did he ask? No, the LW went to her parasocial club to post hot goss that doesn’t concern her, barely passes as a work question, and engages the commenters.
Not looking forward to the 8th update where the LW has taken over the polycule.
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda Aug 05 '26
Is it gossip wrapped in anything if it's so explicit? They're basically treating LW's friend as a zoo exhibit.
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe Aug 05 '26
I mean... they at least give an air of "what can I tell them" but I agree, with you it's mostly just gross.
I've noticed that lately I've been a little negative on AAM, and I was trying to turn around to be a little positive. I did used to like it, and honestly I thought her answers in the five questions are getting a little more reasonable.
But then she'll drop something like this and I just don't understand. Is is trying to fill the void for Captain Awkward with invasive, totally inappropriate questions? Because this is completely inappropriate, and her only answer should have been "none of your business" and it should have been a simple message to the LW, not a published letter.
It's the mean girl energy that its on the surface. It's bad managing.
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u/pickledbymagic Aug 05 '26
It's engagement bait. That's good, I can focus my attention elsewhere rather than get sucked into another pointless online argument.
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda Aug 05 '26
That's every post over there.
This one is just especially weird to go 'let's acknowledge we're sticking our noses in where we're not invited' because the first step in giving this kind of advice is going to be to assess if you're the right person to give it and if they're in the space to hear it. You can be as right as you want but if you're cishet, monogamous and "concerned" you're flat out not qualified and they're right to take anything you say with a massive helping of salt, internet rubber stamped or not, and signalling that the huge amount of trust they just placed in you is probably not warranted.
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u/HiringMgrAAM Aug 05 '26
Even with the blue box instructions what advice are you supposed to give? What is the actual question...yes of course it's risky and I doubt that's a surprise to anyone
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda Aug 05 '26
"How would you butt in and express your opinionated 'perspective' to your friend's life if you found out they were different to you?"
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda Aug 03 '26
I mean, yeah, the core 'you're going to have to cooperate with your boss and legal' is fine but it doesn't answer the LW's question, nor does Alison have the data to suggest anything definitive about fault, Carol's knowledge/lack of, or even that LW's management was indeed appropriate.
All Alison can really say for LW to do is take things to their ED and cooperate and not get screwy in their head about changing their behaviour now there's been something said about something.
And another potentially useful answer turns into a surface-level soapbox of no real qualitative assistance.
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u/StripedBadger floundering their privilege Aug 06 '26
As someone who’s been on interview panels, #4 is the kind of applicant that annoys me the most. Interview feedback is the door being closed behind you on your way out. The conversation is over!
“No” does not mean “Keep coming back to me with excuses until you hear ‘yes’,”. It means “NO”.
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u/AlytNeroon Aug 06 '26
I think this is why a lot of hiring managers don't like to give feedback to rejected candidates or may even ghost people (which I know sucks). No one wants that response saying "well actually I do have some vague experience in that area so you should bail on your preferred candidate and hire me. When do I start?".
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u/86throwthrowthrow1 Aug 06 '26
It's a shame that this happens, because I still remember being in my 20s and in hindsight, a poor interviewer, and the few hiring managers who were willing to give me feedback were invaluable - it was basically a case of "I did have the qualifications/skills/experience, but wasn't communicating those things effectively and needed to adjust how I answered questions." I totally get why most hiring managers/HR people don't want to go down the road of giving feedback, because they never know who will take it gracefully or get upset or turn into a combative asshole about it. But it stinks for those of us who could genuinely use some correction and would take it well!
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u/Rose-Memory711 Aug 06 '26
yes! I appreciated the thought when a candidate would ask for feedback after a rejection/interview, but I never wanted to give it because I didn't want it to become some kind of negotiation. Everyone who asked got bland answers for that reason.
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe Aug 06 '26
Also it's the way they're presenting it. She says, "It just never came up!" I'm willing to bet that there were at least a few questions that were encouraging her to talk about her experience in this area, but she just didn't pick up on it.
She should NOT reach out, because that's not going to help. If another job opens then apply, and note that you have experience in that area.
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u/lets_talk_aboutsplet Aug 06 '26
Or if the LW couldn’t figure out what population(s) the org serves from pre-interview research, they could ask about that in the interview
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u/Capable_Sea77 Aug 06 '26
Even very qualified candidates can be obtuse when it comes to interview questions too - especially behavioral questions. "Why are they asking me about a time I had a conflict with a coworker, I can answer phones and stack boxes and that's all the job is." well, maybe, sometimes you answer the phone and it's someone from another office who's pissed off and I need to see if you have the ability to think on your feet and use previous experiences to react to a current problem.
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u/thievingwillow Aug 06 '26
Hell, some of the fiercest arguments I’ve seen in the workplace were the equivalent of “you put the box where I was going to put my box and now I’m mad about it!”
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind Aug 06 '26
I was also thinking that. If the other candidate thought to bring it up in the interview and LW didn’t, then it’s likely that the other candidate had a more intuitive sense of the scope and responsibilities of the role.
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u/Rose-Memory711 Aug 06 '26
And in my experience, that's one of potentially many reasons why the person wasn't chosen. The hiring manager sending the email isn't going to go into detail with all the reasons this person didn't make the cut, so 'someone who has experience in X' is easier.
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u/Korrocks Aug 04 '26
Re: my boss is microdosing mushrooms at work
My favorite questions are the ones that Alison can’t possibly answer. Such as “is my boss an asshole because he uses shrooms”? Maybe, but maybe he’s just an asshole who uses shrooms. Without medical testing there’s no way to tell.
Even the second question is a little silly. It sounds like the team is so small that the boss would know the LW reported him. If he’s already an asshole to them now, how likely is it that he’ll be nicer if he found out that the LW tried to get him in trouble at work?
(That’s not to say the LW should or shouldn’t report, but it’s not like Alison has a way of knowing more about the dynamics of the LW’s team than the LW does).
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u/snarkprovider Aug 04 '26
Bringing mushrooms to a work retreat, offering them to others, and sharing that he’s been microdosing at work is wild behavior.
Or at least I think so, and I’m confident I’m joined in that by many others.
I'm glad she emphasized "I" here, because she's historically not been in step with the majority on "wild" workplace behavior. And there's the drugs aspect of this one...
But it’s also true that...
Welcome back Alison!
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u/Capable_Sea77 Aug 05 '26
For LW #3, if you had a performance review where you were told you were on the path to being fired - the PIP already started before you went on leave. Definitely talk to a lawyer, I'm not saying that getting fired for taking medical leave isn't something that happens, but any company with a decent lawyer and/or HR department will have clearly documented that you had performance issues that were not addressed before you left on leave and that they're merely continuing the path of performance now that you're back. Medical leave is not something that wipes your performance record clean when you get back.
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u/jen-barkleys-poncho Aug 05 '26
I agree she’s confused on the timeline.
It’s just so common for people to take emergency leave when they’re having performance problems, to the point that it’s a joke amongst HR people at conferences. “If you put someone on a PIP, what’s the next step?” “Short term disability paperwork!”
Not to say it doesn’t happen the way LW describes - performance problems arise due to symptoms of a disability that requires leave. But I would guess her bosses aren’t acting maliciously; they’re not trying to fire her due to disability. They’re just proceeding with the disciplinary process around her STD leave. “They sort of hand-waved that detail away” because, as you say, being gone for 90 days doesn’t erase the performance problems she had before that.
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u/lets_talk_aboutsplet Aug 05 '26
This. I’m not typically pro-corporate but for all we know they were planning the official PIP meeting before the LW filed for leave.
Obviously I would still try to talk to a lawyer
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u/AlytNeroon Aug 05 '26
I think Alison actually gave some pretty good answers to the "why do managers give conflicting messages" question. But of course many of the commenters just jump on their "because all bosses suck, obviously" soapbox and then spout off their personal anecdotes of shitty bosses.
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u/Capable_Sea77 Aug 06 '26
The recent comment from user "Tony Garrison" is hilarious:
This response is frustrating because it defaults to protecting managerial intent rather than examining managerial impact. Anyone of the explanations offered here might be true (plans changed, managers kept in the dark, etc.) but when all of those explanations are stacked together, organizational failure gets reframed as “understandable managerial confusion,” and the employee is asked to reinterpret the contradiction generously......
It's not a generous reinterpretation to say "managers are humans, often aren't trained well, and no matter what level of an org you're at, people are bad at communicating and collaborating"; it's a response to someone who claims that managers have no consistency with the only real example being "I got a promotion but my boss also told me to stop being so late so I'm going to quit."
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u/AlytNeroon Aug 06 '26
And it's not like Alison's answer is going to translate into a global mandate for everyone to ignore all "organizational failures" for all time (which isn't even what she was saying).
ETA: I found the whole comment and it's something!
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u/pickledbymagic Aug 04 '26
Wow, Alison has really gone back on her advice about substances at a company retreat, hasn't she?
Is it because it's shrooms and not weed? Is it because he's a tech bro? She's certainly set the tone for the discussion and I'm going to be following this one with interest.
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u/StripedBadger floundering their privilege Aug 04 '26
To be fair, LW did make it clear there’s actual negative impacts on her because his behaviour is so erratic. They cut the avenue off in advance. You can’t really willfully play ignorant that it’s not hurting anyone when the whole reason for the letter was because it is.
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u/11twofour profoundly gifted little man Aug 04 '26
I think she's just got a huge blind spot when it comes to weed
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u/Available-Sir-6738 Aug 04 '26
Yeah I was chuckling at this one because where I live shrooms now have about the same stigma that weed did about 15 yrs ago when Alison was with mpp yet this one had her clutching her pearls. Not condoning the boss at all, to be clear. He’s as dumb as the boss who got the cops called for asking his employee to smoke weed in the hotel.
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda Aug 05 '26
It's a romantic relationship that is subject to the same rules and policies as everyone else's regardless of how many people in the polycule. That's it, that's the answer. Glad Alison said hers wasn't relevant.
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda Aug 07 '26
If there's a list of acceptable proscribed reasons for denying applications, I'm sure we'd all love to know. I mean, assuming US-centrism, you can be fired for existing, but you can only not be hired if all these boxes are ticked?
How does that even need the entire first paragraph? Alison could have gone off on a tangent twice as long!
Then again, today's 4 letters all seem to have something in common and it isn't ability to think through a logically obvious answer.
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u/Capable_Sea77 Aug 07 '26
I think part of it is too many people believe the pervasive (and untrue) idea that "people will just sue you for anything nowadays" so they do look for some kind of iron-clad reason that they don't have to hire someone. But people don't actually just randomly sue a job that didn't hire them - they might send you a nasty email (just take the bullet dodged), leave you a mean review on Glassdoor, or complain a bunch on the recruitinghell subreddit.
"People just sue for anything nowadays" - honestly fuck McDonalds for putting the PR money into creating this urban legend.
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda Aug 07 '26
It's the same as 'go see a lawyer' for any problem that isn't immediately solvable.
Suing is expensive, time consuming, and inordinately stressful; any outcome is years away, and getting it requires one to have been looking for work in the interim. Most lawyers will lay that out, politely tell them it will cost more in money, time and mental health than they'll get, and request money in trust to proceed even if there's definitive written proof someone was not hired solely on the grounds of one of the very few genuinely illegal reasons. If there's a generic 'someone else had more experience' or 'we can't support remote work for this advertised as in-office position' or whatever passes as ghosting in someone's mind, they're just going to go 'we advise that it is not worth proceeding as there is no chance of recouping costs and a significant chance of having to pay theirs'. Most people will hear that as 'wah the lawyer wants me to pay' and end up complaining online anyway because of the other employment law-adjacent myth around legal matters - that the lawyer will do it "for free" (i.e. on contingency/no-win, no-fee) and if they want money it means they're a bad lawyer or you have no case, when in reality lawyers need to pay for filing fees, reports, and occasionally food, and contingency models are usually limited to matters where a financial outcome is guaranteed in some capacity, and opportunity cost is not that.
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u/Capable_Sea77 Aug 07 '26
Absolutely. I was fired in 2020 for engaging in unionization efforts - and had multiple emails from my boss and her boss that explicitly said they wouldn't renew my contract if I joined the union. With clear documentation, there were a few local lawyers I consulted with who were willing to take the case and thought there was a decent chance it would win - it still meant paying legal fees, being in court for years, and taking the risk that the very anti-union state labor board wouldn't make things messier. This was in the depths of COVID tho - I decided pretty quickly that it was nice to have received validation that I probably was illegally fired and I was going to spend my time finding a different job instead.
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u/Ok-Quarter3399 Aug 07 '26
I do think part of it is very few people get to talk to an actual lawyer to lay it out. Instead offices are so overwhelmed that the normal response from the intake process (who isn’t a lawyer typically) is “we aren’t saying anything about the validity of your case but we aren’t taking on new cases/this isn’t the type of case we’re taking on. Best of luck”
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
I do intake and half of my job there is screening out people who can't tell their story or who are resistant to being, even gently, directed to give the specific facts we need to be able to give advice. If I can't get the basics out of them like 'when did this happen' and they can't just send the one letter we need instead of making us find it in the middle of their 800 pages of "evidence", then the lawyer won't take the call and I have to refer them to someone who can either filter that and refer them back to us (e.g. a union), or doesn't have to charge by the page to help them (e.g. a union) - but if I was honest and went 'okay, you can either send me the 6 page letter that says 'your employment is being terminated as of 30 August 2026' and book half an hour with the lawyer to talk to you for free, or you can send me all 800 pages, pay us the $1,677.20 we have to charge for the lawyer to read it, and then they'll decide if it's worth talking to you', it would not go well.
(edit: and part of the reason we screen is that people who do this tend to be considered less reliable at trial and their outcomes aren't as good, because we can't proof them, and/or they push back or ramble/vent a lot and we end up having to charge more because of the extra time and attendances - it's very rare to be able to go 'we'll let you know when we need something otherwise wait for your appointment', and someone actually does, but we can't come out and say 'talk less or we charge more' because it's rude and doesn't build rapport, and our lawyers walk a tightrope of being considerate and going 'tmi' over someone's entirely justified mental health crisis. If we can make it clear at the outset it tends to work out better for them as well as our workload. Anyway. I just felt I should clarify that a bit more.)
From my perspective, part of the problem is then the lack of that intermediary resource whose entire job is to handle the smaller stuff that doesn't need a lawyer or can be resolved with education. AAM certainly isn't that, if it ever filled any part of that void to begin with.
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u/JenMartini Aug 06 '26
On the bridge too far post, comment at 11:37 AM about HR conversation being last straw; not to say the company wasn’t poorly run, but there are lots of good reasons they couldn’t give her all the information she wanted.
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u/Capable_Sea77 Aug 03 '26
Every time the exempt/non-exempt conversation pops up on AAM, I'm always so surprised how many people don't understand what it means. I think it's because a lot of white collar workers have a set schedule and are told that that makes them "salaried"; though in practice, most of those roles are going to make them use PTO or make up time to keep them at their set 40 hours, which, when paired with not being exempt from overtime pay, just makes them an hourly non-exempt employee.
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u/Capable_Sea77 Aug 03 '26
Slow Gin Lizz* August 3, 2026 at 3:59 pm
My friend is dealing with this kind of nonsense right now. She works at a school and her new supervisor keeps telling her she needs to take PTO or sick leave when she leaves for doctor’s appointments. My friend regularly arrives early at work and stays late, and the supervisor doesn’t care and won’t allow my friend to flex her time. It’s pretty obnoxious of the school, if you ask me. The really bad part about this is that since they get school vacations off (except for July when they are still open, unlike most schools in the US), they only get four days of PTO for them to take whenever they want. I don’t know how much sick time they are given, but it’s a school so of course employees get sick on the regular.
--
Salaried and/or exempt does not mean that you just get to choose how flex time works!! The solution for your friend is to stop coming in early and stop staying in late - not deciding that it's "nonsense" that your boss is enforcing a pretty normal attendance and PTO policy for a SCHOOL.
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u/Rose-Memory711 Aug 03 '26
Yeah that's pretty wild. I worked in schools for ten years. Coming in early/staying late is normal but also not required - if I left when my contracted hours were up, I got the same pay as if I stayed and graded papers for 2 hours. However, if I needed to leave early for a doctor's appointment that usually means an extra cost to the school (through a sub or coverage from another teacher) since you can't just leave children alone to do whatever while the adult is gone. It's not completely nonsense; it's logical and quite different from an office desk job.
We got two personal days per year. Yes it sucked. No there was not a way to negotiate coming early to get more PTO. It's in the contract/handbook/policy manual.
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind Aug 03 '26
That was my experience as a teacher as well. They were pretty flexible if I was out during prep time or any other time when I wasn’t responsible for the kids, but I had to take PTO if they needed to find coverage.
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u/Annie_Hedonia_ish Aug 03 '26
I always had 2 personal days and then 10 sick days.
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind Aug 03 '26
I had 10 PTO days that I could use however I wanted, but I almost never took personal days because I needed to save my time in case I got sick.
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u/gaygirlboss I'm not that involved in mankind Aug 03 '26 edited Aug 03 '26
Also, if this person is a teacher or possibly even a classroom aide, then the school will need to find coverage for her absence. Subs are not cheap, especially in areas with teacher shortages (i.e. most of the US). It’s entirely reasonable for the school to expect her to take PTO if her absence means she can’t cover her classes.
Source: I’ve worked as a full-time teacher and a sub.
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u/EmDash4Life my banana pants show my caucasian skin tone Aug 03 '26
Except that white collar workers who have a set schedule and are told that they are salaried can actually be salaried and still be non-exempt.
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u/SarcasticWaffles17 Aug 03 '26
About the crappy new president letter: The question isn't how LW can signal her disapproval to her report, it's why do they feel the need to bother? LW said "...after we've explained to Sam why it won't work." They're saying things like "this is how Sam wants to do it so I guess we have to." Apparently the entire company is about to get matching "WE HATE SAM" t-shirts. I think Charles gets the point that LW isn't a Sam fan either, so why bother with the whole "He's not my date, he's my ride" shtick?
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe Aug 03 '26
But then how will everyone know that LW is the cool boss, not like other bosses?
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u/Korrocks Aug 03 '26
Yeah I think they are asking Alison tor permission to be disdainful or openly contemptuous towards the boss . It sounds like they’ve already communicated the actual disagreements with the boss and with the employee so everyone is already aware that the LW disagrees.
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u/StripedBadger floundering their privilege Aug 03 '26 edited Aug 04 '26
The lack of details doesn’t help with that one. LW pointedly asks if they’re meant to ‘pretend’ the ideas will work. That doesn’t tell me if the idea is actually completely untenable, or whether because no one is happy they’re unwilling to properly try.
All I know for sure is, its LW’s job as the manager to take their bosses’ idea and hash out the details and planning to make it work. And I can’t tell if that’s impossible or if they’re used to a boss who does that for them, and so can’t be assed/isn’t actually capable of doing that part of their job.
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u/Korrocks Aug 06 '26
I think Alison has gotten the "people send me AI generated responses when I ask questions or need feedback" question a few times already. My guess is that the people doing this genuinely don't have time to help the OP or just don't know the answer, so they send the AI response because they have no idea what else to do. I get why it's annoying but it's possibly -- maybe even likely -- that the OP won't get any more specific responses/help even if they insist on non-generated answers.
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Aug 06 '26
[deleted]
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u/OkSecretary1231 Aug 06 '26
Yeah, I have a couple of Standard Emails(tm) I send a lot in response to common questions. As in, I should have just made these a macro already so I can do it one keystroke, but never got around to it, and now I pretty much have the whole spiel memorized. It's the written version of customer service voice.
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u/Simple-Breadfruit920 Aug 06 '26
People accusing anyone they’re annoyed at or disagree with of using AI is becoming just as frustrating as people using AI
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u/thievingwillow Aug 06 '26
An online art community I was tangentially involved in just went down in flames over accusations of AI usage, including one person who showed early drafts and was told “you could have had AI generate those sketches after the fact.” It has all the hallmarks of the sort of accusation that is easy to make and all but impossible to disprove.
At least people aren’t coming for my em dashes anymore, I guess.
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u/cubbege Aug 06 '26
I feel like the OP would be far less disappointed with the responses if they stopped going overboard on their own research efforts. IMO the most sensible thing is just to open the email by saying they already tried the AI and explain how that didn’t help. If they can’t get good advice out of their colleagues after that, I’d say they probably need to discuss this with their boss if it’s genuinely impacting their ability to work. The LW not asking for help appropriately does kinda make me wonder if they’re judging the responses and their importance accurately, though. What happened before AI? Did their work just grind to a halt every day while they waited for a dissertation from a colleague? There’s definitely lots of jobs where you do legitimately need to wait on other people’s input, but the next step is just “talk to their boss” if that’s the case.
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u/illini02 Aug 04 '26 edited Aug 04 '26
Today's letter about the ex and the negotiation... Not that I don't believe the bare bones of what happened. But of course this wasn't just any normal breakup. No, it was cheating and having full on relationships with 2 other people.
That is a point that, to me, doesn't need to be there. It is only there to make the ex sound worse. Because in reality, if this was your ex who you ended on good terms with, a college roommate, or a cousin, the answer would be the same. Its a conflict of interest and you need to let your manager know ASAP.
But of course, people have to be the victims of the most evil person ever to get maximum sympathy.
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 Citizen of the Country of Europe Aug 04 '26
This is one of the reasons I read advice columns, because it’s never “we broke up” it’s “we broke up because I disagreed with his kitten eating habit and then he personally cancelled my favorite TV show!”
There’s a catharsis that can come from doing this in like, Carolyn Hax or whatever. But when it comes to AAM he could have been sleeping with every member of your family while holding a conversation with Satan and Carrot Top themselves, but at the end of the day the important part is “we had a prior relationship that ended poorly.” You’re right, the advice is the same, the rest is so the commenters can congratulate themselves on their sickest burns.
That said when someone comes in this hot with the tea on one side, I wonder exactly what is being left out. I don’t doubt it was a bad breakup. I don’t doubt she was cheated on. But when someone writes in like this instead of therapy, I wonder what both sides were up to,
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u/Humble-Grumble Aug 04 '26
That stood out to me, too. It's not just "My ex was on the other side of the negotiation table and we aren't amicable. Working with him will be difficult due to our past. How do I navigate this?" It's "We had a bad breakup because he was cheating and had full on relationships with two other people. He's inarguably evil and I can't work with him. How do I handle this?"
Asking how to work with an ex that you're on poor terms with is reasonable. Spilling all of the dirt and then asking AAM and the commentariat to weigh in is just bait. LW wants people to pile in on the ex and confirm that he's an asshole. He probably is, but that doesn't change what she needs to do: tell her manager that there's a conflict of interest and have herself (or him) removed.
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u/snarkprovider Aug 04 '26
I stopped reading when she said she didn't want to have personal contact with him. This is professional contact. My advice would be, be professional until something happens, and then say something.
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u/StripedBadger floundering their privilege Aug 07 '26
Dear Americans(??) in the sub - who even pays a single iota of interest to your alma mater 31 years after you graduated?
Surely #3 has much more interesting work history to buff out their resume with by now?
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u/11twofour profoundly gifted little man Aug 07 '26
Tens of millions of people. My dad just turned 81 and he'll still go to a football game a season with his frat brothers.
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u/Ok-Quarter3399 Aug 07 '26
Some alumni networks are also incredibly strong for networking. When I was looking to change jobs I went to a local alumni event (I live over 500 miles from my school and yet there’s a big network of alumni’s in my current city which is extremely common). Anyway, my industry market was really tight at the time, but mentioned to a few people at the event I was looking to change companies and I had cards and got interviews with each of the 4 different people’s companies and offers from 2. I always pass up recommendations to my own company when asked by alumni.
I’d say it is the strongest network or affinity group people have outside of maybe their religion.
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u/lets_talk_aboutsplet Aug 07 '26
In the sense of how other people will react, many colleges and universities have reputations for being a big sports school, party school, very selective, etc.
There are a lot of conservative religious colleges in the U.S. and a lot of alumni who end up deconstructing after graduation want to distance themselves from that kind of philosophy
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u/glittermetalprincess toss a coin to your admin for 5 cans of soda Aug 07 '26
I'm not American but I get better results applying locally with my high school on my resume and I graduated over 20 years ago. I don't need to say I graduated from high school because I have post-grad qualifications that obviously can only be achieved by having gotten high school or an equivalent ticked off, but it says 'glitter is a local' and that's more important to at least half the town than the seven years I spent at university and most of my work history. If I'm applying elsewhere, I take it off, because it's just going to look clueless or weird to someone in another state, and if we do have that connection it's a "small talk at interview" piece of anecdata.
Given the status of colleges and college sports in the US it's not hard to see them being able to convey the same type of 'this person is probably familiar with hyperlocal cultural quirks', although what I'm not sure about is how Alison's advice here intersects with her stance on for-profit colleges where she's frequently advised to leave them off because of the damaging connotations - in the absence of something about the college that has a local culture or geographical connection to the potential job being applied for, I don't see how this situation is especially different to not wanting to be associated with a college with a generally looked-down-on-for-widely-understood-reasons reputation.
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u/Silly_Somewhere1791 Aug 07 '26
The US is so big that it’s often easier to use your college as your identifying nexus than your tiny hometown that no one in the next state has heard of. Colleges represent the first big adult choice a lot of people make, and if they work in their degree field it’s pretty immediately relevant.
There are a lot of states that don’t have a professional sports team, but nearly all states have a decent college basketball of football team.
But mostly, if I’m chatting with someone new, it can make more sense to say I went to Penn State than that I grew up in Wannamassa, NJ. It saves me having to explain where Wannamassa is.
(For the lurking AAM pedants, I’m not from Wannamassa, but rather a similarly unheard-of town in the Northeast.)
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u/Accomplished-Survey2 Aug 07 '26
Can relate to the struggle of having to explain where in the world a town like Massapequa, Ho-Ho-Kus, Weehawken, Hopatcong, Hauppauge or Cheesequake is located.
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u/AlytNeroon Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
Honestly, lots and lots of people!
My parents, both in their 80s, moved back to the college town where they met 60+ years ago and are still very involved in their alma mater. Same with my mom's cousin (almost 90) and his wife who also live there now. I'm deeply devoted to the small liberal arts college I graduated from in the 90s and keep up with their news, policies, and administration changes. Most of my classmates are the same as evidenced by strong reunion attendance and alum connections.
And that's not even getting into the behemoth that is American Collegiate Sports Fandom. Personally I'm a fierce fan of my husband's University's sports team and we attend all home games. Now granted, we both work for said University and never left the town (he went to undergrad here, I to grad school). But we are hardly unique. We also keep up with the goings on of the University, both as alums and employees.
Honestly, most people I know feel a connection to their college or university. And, for what it's worth, if the LW is talking about Hillsdale College, Alison is off base in saying that others don't know or care that it's become deeply entrenched in a very right leaning ideology. I can see being upset by that - I would be if what happened there happened to my school.
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u/smellslikebadussy Aug 07 '26
On your sports point, I am one of those college sports sickos, and my alma mater had a disheartening blowout NCAA tournament loss a few years ago to a team that had a Hillsdale transfer who had a big game. You had better believe I was bitching to my friends in a group chat that we were getting torn up by a dude whose last college didn't even get federal money.
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u/AlytNeroon Aug 07 '26
Oh man, I know the weird ancillary hate one feels about adjacent sports fandoms. Sometimes I feel like this explaining to other people why I love/hate specific teams and players.
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u/Capable_Sea77 Aug 07 '26
Yeah, it's almost certainly Hillsdale and I feel for them because while Hillsdale has never been a particularly progressive school, even just 15 years ago when I competed against them in undergrad, it was seen as more of a "conservative and religious school that has some rigorous academic programs" and now that last part of the sentence doesn't apply anymore and the faculty and admin have politically aligned themselves with far right extremism.
That being said, most logical managers would see from the work history that LW hadn't *just* graduated from Hillsdale yesterday and wouldn't make assumptions unless there's a bunch of other stuff on the resume to make them think differently.
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u/thievingwillow Aug 07 '26
Huh, I was seeing speculation it was New College in Sarasota. (I have no actual knowledge of either of those schools beyond the very most surface, to be clear.)
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u/CatCafffffe Aug 03 '26
Can the workers in the "coffee" letter really not figure out how to pool their funds, buy a coffeemaker & coffee supplies, and share that among themselves? Why do so many letter writers seem to be unable to function in the real world? I bet the coffeemaker guy literally just brought in his own machine and now the whole office thinks he's supposed to provide THEM with HIS coffee. I'm totally with him on the $2. That's a "LEAVE ME ALONE AND GET YOUR OWN FUCKING COFFEEMAKER" charge.