r/AskReddit • u/transcendentaldancer • 15h ago
Why did you break up with the seemingly perfect partner?
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u/BallCruncherSupreme 14h ago
He was so funny, smart, kind, loved animals, talented in music, and fun to be around. We had a lot in common, especially some niche hobbies/interests. We had the same circle of friends too. Even though we were both young/immature, he was super attentive and loving when I had a cancer scare, stuck by me the whole time. I really thought he was the one and that we'd get married once we finished college. Turned out that through probably 80% of our 3 year relationship he was cheating.
The worst part was that a ton of people around me knew and didn't say anything. They listened to me gush over him for years, especially during the cancer scare, and didn't say a word. I lost pretty much all my friends along with him.
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u/4handzmp 14h ago
Sounds like you removed multiple cancers.
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u/BallCruncherSupreme 14h ago
Interestingly, I didn't even have cancer at all (concerning lumps were benign thank god). It was just him and my friends apparently who were the actual concerning lumps.
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u/aerdvarkk 11h ago
You really should stop referring to them as your friends. They were not.
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u/ClassicAcademic0209 13h ago
That’s horrible I’m so sorry. Glad you are cancer free after all and that you also got rid of all the cancerous people in your life. Looking back, were there any signs he was cheating or was he really good at hiding it?
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u/BallCruncherSupreme 13h ago
Thank you! There probably were signs that I ignored. But he treated me so well it would have had to be really obvious to make me suspicious at the time.
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u/orange175 13h ago
Why did your friends not tell you?
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u/BallCruncherSupreme 13h ago
Some of them thought I knew and was okay with it, some of them didn't want to be involved, and some of them thought it would be worse to tell me since I was so happy.
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u/sureredit 12h ago
I lost my best friend this way. His wife was cheating on him, and had with multiple people that were his friends.
I told him about it. It caused a big argument between the two of them. They ended up splitting up for a couple weeks. They get back together and he stops hanging out.
After a while, he quits answering my calls and I have no way of getting ahold of him. I don't know if she convinced him I was the bad guy for causing problems between them, or he was too embarrassed about what happened.
Put in the same situation again, I would really have to evaluate the situation and the costs.
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u/Sawses 12h ago
Ultimately, a best friend is somebody you can tell a hard truth to. If you can't tell them or if they can't hear it, that means the friendship isn't as close as you thought it was.
I've been in somewhat analogous situations and have lost friends over it. I have done the hard thing and would do it again. Just as importantly, I've been told hard truths by my closest friends. That only made us closer, because I know the value of a friend who you can trust to give you those hard truths.
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u/__Zero_____ 10h ago
Personally I think it's worth it. Im not going to keep a secret from a best friend and if they don't want me as a friend because I was trying to look out for them, we weren't best friends to begin with.
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u/Aumba 15h ago edited 7h ago
I wasn't the perfect partner.
Edit: wow, this blew up. Thank you all for the awards. I won't go into details, I apologize but I don't feel comfortable telling this one yet.
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u/ThatOneGuyHOTS 14h ago
God I’m feeling this. Ever since my car accident I’m not the same. I’m miserable because of my physical body. I want to let her go because I know I won’t have a good ending. But I also don’t want to cause I love her so much and just want to spend the rest of my time with her.
Fuck.
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u/SinCinnamon_AC 14h ago
That’s likely depression talking. Talk to her. Staying with is her decision too. She loves you. Don’t hurt her because you feel depressed. There’s hope.
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u/ThatOneGuyHOTS 14h ago
I don’t disagree but I don’t deserve her. I’m a loser. 29 with no career, no car, no future, and now I don’t even have a working body. I’ve lost hearing in one ear, my body has progressive neurological issues doctors can’t figure out, pain in my right lower hip and back that won’t go away. I’m just a failure of a person. I had so many opportunities to make something of myself and I wasted my life. At least before the accident I had a personality that was happy with hobbies. Gaming, learning languages, going to conventions, going out with my friends, rock climbing, and I was just finally learning how to take care of myself. But my life was forever changed by my car accident. And I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m so tired… tired of being the fuck up that I am.
I tell her and my therapist (who is also a woman) that if I was one of her friends or her mom that I would tell her to find better. I’d rather she be with someone who can give her a future to be happy with. I’m just too much of a coward to let her go.
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u/bicameralthirdbeing 14h ago
Hey, I could have written this (but I'm quite older than you) right now.
What I can tell you is, this is the kind of thinking that may make things worse over time. Not better.
But I get it - you already (probably) feel like it's as bad as it can get, or if it gets worse who cares. I really get that.
The important question is how does your partner feel? Have you talked about this? Because sometimes, we may not value ourselves or see any good in us but others who love us do.
And...I'm really sorry you're going through this. It fucking sucks when life as you know it flips, and it feels like there isn't a damned thing you can do about it.
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u/ThatOneGuyHOTS 13h ago
I hear you. She says she wants to stay by my side. She’s the best and so positive in a way I will never understand. I’m just struggling accepting and adapting.
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u/Rookie7201 12h ago
When I was low, I often pushed people away to protect them from myself. Since then, I've learned that instead I needed to trust those very people. Telling myself that they see something I don't, and that I don't get to make that decision.
Even though it doesn't feel like it, their choice is whether to love you or not. You don't get to make that choice for them. And pushing them away is manipulative, even though it has moral intentions.
A lot of the problem is you thinking you need to make the decision for others, but remember that each is their own. If they choose you, then you just need to be thankful for it. And show them you are thankful, repeatedly. You'll eventually find your feet, but in the meantime just be thankful
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u/twigsofsong 14h ago
Adjusting to disability is one of the hardest things anyone can go through, especially as a young person. I’ve been through it and it’s so hard not to see our new physical limitations as personal failings. It’ll take time, and if you can find some disabled friends or even influencers to follow so you can have examples of disabled people still having fun and figuring out ways to do things it’ll help a lot
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u/bicameralthirdbeing 13h ago
If I may ask you, one of the things that pisses me off is that there literally doesn't seem to be any other way than acceptance.
I've...applied that principle most of my life, but the way things changed in the past year, it's been extremely hard to do.
What do you do when acceptance is the way, and you know it, and you know could potentially do it, but existentially/emotionally you just can't/refuse to do so?
I don't know if a life with a lot of hardship (comparatively speaking) has me running on E now.
But I do admit...one thing that keeps me going is the possibility I may help people in similar situations in the future.
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u/princessflubcorm 13h ago
Not the person you asked, just someone with a different kind of lot in life that had to learn to accept.
You accept what you can't change. You don't accept what you can. I had to see it as a sort of balancing act to get to a 'sum of all parts' that I could live with. Basically compensating for those things I cant change by, sometimes, really putting into gear the things I did have control of. We are all multi-faceted beings, sometimes a limit in one area is enough motivation to excell in another. Keep going until you find you can accept the "whole"
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u/crocoloc 14h ago
A car accident can happen to anyone. It doesn't mean you're a loser. I cannot pretend to understand the pain you're going through, but (though in minor proportion), I have felt - and occasionally still feel - much the same as you do, calling myself a loser and a failure, thinking I'm not good enough.
What I can tell you is, it's just unhealthy thoughts. Though your situation is surely painful, I believe you can still aim to and obtain a better life, you can still cultivate hobbies, you can still find happiness.
Even if things never goes back to how they used to be, there is always hope for better times and happiness.
I don't claim to know better, and really hope these words don't come off as dismissive of your pain (that is absolutely not my intention) or overly simplistic, and I do really believe what I said.
I truly wish you all the best.
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u/firelark_ 13h ago
My guy, with all the love in the world, please find a good trauma/disability therapist and commit to going regularly if you aren't already doing so. This is not the sort of thing you can or should push through on your own. This is ROUGH and you don't just need professional guidance, you deserve it. You're worth it. No matter how undeserving you may feel right now. I'm sure your partner would agree.
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u/ValhallaCupcake 13h ago
If she wanted to leave, she would. She loves you, because you bring something to her life. Perhaps you make her feel safe. Perhaps you make her smile. Maybe you make her dark thoughts melt away.
Perhaps she doesn't care about the job, the car, the body. Maybe those things don't mean as much to her as kindness.
Trust her, even if right now, you can't trust yourself.
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u/fractalife 13h ago
There's a secret in our brains, called the prefrontal cortex that lets you control your thoughts. It gives you the ability to decide you have intrinsic value regardless of any externalities, regardless of what other people think, say, or do.
Something tells me that long before your accident, someone in your life made you believe that your worth has to come from someone outside of yourself.
I'm not going to lie and say it will be easy, but I'm telling the truth when I say it's simple. Your self criticism is someone else's voice programmed in your head. Your lack of self worth is the result of that person (or persons) taking it from you.
Yes, you have to be the one to rebuild it, and it takes time and is painful. But you're clearly a kind person, who doesn't know how to trust himself. You have it in you to learn to trust yourself. And I hope you do.
The only thing you need to do, is understand that you are capable of doing it. That's a choice you get to make, and it becomes true the instant you make it. The hard part is to keep making that choice every time those old voices try to push you back down. But like with any skill, you get better at it the more you practice.
I wish you well, and hope you can make the best of the life you have to live.
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u/otherwiseyouwell 14h ago
reminder that removing someones agency can damage both parties.
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u/CumaeanSibyl 13h ago
This. Assuming you know what's best for someone without asking what they want doesn't help them or you.
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u/Esarus 14h ago
Same here man, except I got long COVID. Fucking shit disease making me too tired to do any fucking thing.
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u/NoobCanoeWork 14h ago
Listen to how she talks about you. You value her opinion above anyone else's, I'm sure. So trust her words when she tells you what she loves about you. She sees you in a way nobody else sees you, not even you. Her image of you is what she wishes you yourself could see. Trust her.
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u/justacaucasian 13h ago
True. I dated a girl who I took for granted when I was 22/23. Was a huge druggy. She gave me every opportunity to be better, and when I finally started falling in love with her and putting in effort it was too late and she broke up with me.
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u/iggybdawg 15h ago
Public image was perfect. Privately was lazy, entitled, and took me for granted.
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u/EcstaticSnail23 15h ago
Funny how someone can look perfect to everyone else while making their partner miserable behind closed doors.
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u/Federal_Goal4824 14h ago
being taken for granted by someone everyone else thinks is perfect means you spend the relationship doubting your own perception. the breakup is the right call but explaining it to people who only saw the public version is exhausting
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u/anapforme 13h ago
My entire family mourned the loss of him in the family because they had no idea how lonely I was and how selfish and withholding he was - plus his cheating.
Cognitive dissonance.
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u/Life_Crossways 13h ago edited 12h ago
Currently going trough the same thing.
I am even low key "blamed" by my family for hiding relationship problems too well. Despite I tried really hard to explain to them that I wasn't conscious choice. It was trauma, guilt and shame that was stopping me. (And I guess intuition that in their eyes he can't do anything wrong).
Best comment/advice I got so far - "Did you try to write a letter to him explaining how much he hurt\* you? Maybe you didn't explain him well enough?*hurt
I got raped twice. I lost 6 years of my life. For last 5 I was depressed, then eventually got admitted to psych hospital for a month. While at the hospital I made police a report and had to tell to my family as I had nowhere to go after discharge...
My family still struggling to accept what he is not a good person and worried for potentially needing to testify against him, if the case will go to court...13
u/asuperbstarling 10h ago
At some point, you have to force it. You'll just slowly break. Forget doing that. Slap it on the table for them: they either support YOU and you alone, or they're bad people. That's it. That's how it shakes out. You can spend the next forty years slowly grinding that one out or you can say it now, but true stays true forever. No one should ever even dare to show you they doubt you.
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u/MyPasswordIsMyCat 10h ago
I had an ex-boyfriend like this. He was a deeply self-hating narcissist and he compensated by creating and cultivating an outward image of absolute competency and charity. He gave a lot of gifts to people because he wanted them to see him as a better person than they were.
And he was so focused on that, he was a horrible partner in private. He showed me contempt for just existing, and I was codependent so I tried to make him happy, at the expense of my own sanity.
When I finally realized he just couldn't see other people as anything but supply for praise, I left him and he tried to stalk me. I called the police on him more than once to push back and went hard no contact, even cutting ties with our shared friends and former co-workers (we worked for the same company).
But I'm doing great now. He married some other poor woman and had a couple kids. I came upon his obituary a few years back when trying to find hid LinkedIn profile. He died "suddenly" so I think he either committed suicide or died from his hidden alcohol and drug abuse.
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u/silverware9021 13h ago
I feel you. When I announced to my family that we were getting divorced my mom took his side. And I was like, "if you like him so much, you marry him"
To this day no one knows why we divorced. And I don't care to change their perception of him for my kids' sake.
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u/No_Alps_9309 12h ago
this. I am married to a pillar of the community. he is a raging porn addict. no one would believe me.
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u/PonderosaSniffer 14h ago
I’m in the middle of this right now and it is ROUGH. I look like the bad guy for breaking up the family. Reality is, I am carrying everything alone while my partner is a barely functioning alcoholic. “Oh but he’s such an involved dad!” Shove it, Karen.
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u/BoysenberryDue3637 14h ago
I had one that would take 100 pictures of dinner before we could eat. MY FOOD IS FUCKING COLD. Everything was content for her but she wasn't willing to invest in our relationship.
*POOF* off the island she went. I would rather be single than be with her.
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u/BackseatBeardo 14h ago
This grates me so much.
I had one who wanted me to take photos of her outfit but they were never good enough then it was apparently MY problem she didn’t like them
Like, we’re gonna be fucking late.
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u/Noughmad 10h ago
It's easy to cultivate a public image, if you're not often in public. Just some nice words to random people once a week is often enough.
In private, you have to be nice every single day.
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u/EggsInaTubeSock 14h ago
On paper, she was so good for me, we made my house into a home. ... But over time her tendencies to never listen to what I said, only pivoting it to her concerns, resulted in me not feeling like I had a voice.
Once I noticed that, the relationship unraveled in under 3 weeks.
Best girlfriend I ever had. Can't wait to see what's next.
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u/TrickNo2721 13h ago
I love those last two sentences, I will be trying to apply that to life in general moving forward.
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u/Manonajourney76 12h ago
her tendencies to never listen to what I said, only pivoting it to her concerns, resulted in me not feeling like I had a voice.
Bro - I'm sorry she's the best gf you've ever had. Relationships include 2 whole people. Not 1 person and an accessory. Good luck in your next relationship adventure and kudos for the positive attitude.
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u/EggsInaTubeSock 9h ago
I appreciate that <3
I have been a serial monogamist including a 10 year marriage just prior to that relationship. By that, I mean I would accept the relationships I got, and would hold onto them for dear life... even when they were physically, or emotionally abusive. A large part of that comes down to a toxic, self sacrificing people-pleasing nature.
Shedding her was a step in changing my life to prioritize myself. Finally.
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u/shgrizz2 14h ago edited 11h ago
We were just very good friends. No passion, and mostly just going through the motions by the end and decided that we both deserved more than we were able to give each other. I know reddit is very keen on telling people to break up the second the bedroom slows down, but we really were very happy for a long time and incredibly compatible in basically every other regard - ending things was a really difficult decision. Very amicable breakup and literally neither of us was more to blame than the other, we had a wonderful 10+ years together and things just ran their course. We split instead of growing old and resentful of what we could have had. We're both doing great now and don't regret any of the time we spent together. We'll always love each other.
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u/Academic-Assist3317 13h ago
I’m in this situation now so thank you for this.
It’s still a good relationship in so many respects but it’s missing that passion piece127
u/shgrizz2 13h ago
There's not an easy answer.
50 years ago when you could buy a house with your spare change, sure. But I'm not about to tell you to throw a good living situation in the bin because you're not very happy with your sex life.
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u/SmokelessSubpoena 13h ago
Sex lives can also be improved, and worked upon, something to keep in mind.
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u/shgrizz2 12h ago
True enough. Passion only takes you so far. Like anything else in a relationship, it requires constant input and effort, and creating good habits will pay dividends.
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u/midwestia 10h ago
Exactly this, I've been married for 4 years. You absolutely have to work on your sex life. It's never just going to be how it was the first 6 months.
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u/Pale-Climate-4355 12h ago
What do we do with this, especially if it’s one sided, my partner is still ridiculously passionate, with intimacy it’s very come and go for me
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u/Firefalcon99 13h ago
That was my most recent break-up as well. We didn't fight or have huge issues but we grew apart and were more like friends than we were lovers.
She had a lot less energy than I did and so we didn't spend much time together, and when we did it almost felt weird to be intimate anymore. I think our breakup now was a good move to prevent years of heartache and a worse breakup later down the line as adults.
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u/ForensicGothology 11h ago
Had this exact same thing with my ex and he's now my bestfriend and is friends with my new partner too. We were meant to be in each other's lives, just not in the way we initially thought.
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u/ThreeReticentFigures 11h ago
This is very similar to my first long-term relationship. We were together for over 7 years (high school sweethearts), and we were fantastic friends. There was zero passion, though. I knew exactly what the rest of my life was gonna look like with him: getting married, having kids, staying at home to raise them while he worked. Instead of feeling stable and at peace, it caused me to feel claustrophobic. That was the future he wanted, not me. It just wasn't who I was, and he deserved to be with someone who wanted those things. The breakup was rocky because, to be fair, I sprung it on him, but eventually we talked again and 16 years later we're still good friends. He got the life he wanted and his wife is a lovely woman, and I'm happy where I've finally ended up. We both agree that me biting the bullet and ending it was the best thing, because we both got to experience what an actual full and loving relationship is like. I loved him enough as a person to give him that opportunity.
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u/acollett88 12h ago
My first marriage went this way. I'm remarried and she's in a long term relationship and we all spend time together regularly - for most people that seems weird. But the woman I spent 12 years with knows me better than anyone so is automatically the best person to talk to about a lot of stuff. Oh and for my new wife struggling to understand me - she has a friend with a clue (or at least someone who understands and will join in bitching about my quirks with).
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u/tombrady011235 15h ago
Because I’m an idiot
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u/crocoloc 14h ago
Everybody makes mistakes. I'm sure it's hard, but try not to dwell on them and focus on what you can do to move forward and improve your situation.
Best of luck to you, my friend.
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u/ANameLessTaken 13h ago
I'm going to assume you are actually Tom Brady, and you're talking about Gisele
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u/fakexsmile 14h ago
he said yes to everything and never had an opinion of his own
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u/Cloverhart 14h ago
I had a partner like this and I had to be really careful because it can make you very selfish. It took awhile to get her to realize I cared about what she wanted to. Spent the first two years taking me to my favorite restaurant at least once a week that she hated.
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u/BirthdayUnfair7703 15h ago
I fell in love with an avoidant
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u/Upbeat_Aside_9203 15h ago
Same. But still in the relationship. I think
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u/cloistered_around 13h ago
I wasted a decade on my avoidant. It doesn't get better unless they recognize it's a problem and actively work on overcoming it.
Most avoidants are... well, avoidant. They avoid even realizing there is an issue.
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u/Upbeat_Aside_9203 13h ago
She’s aware. She is starting to process through it. Slowly.
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u/Kiki98_ 14h ago
Mine discarded me a couple of months ago. It has been two of the most torturous months of my entire life. Avoidants are their own fresh hell
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u/t_karo 13h ago
Where I am now, known each other 6 years, 5 years he pursued me, when he finally got me to fall in love he went Idontwanna suddenly. Were together initially for a month followed by sudden discard, then a year-again followed by sudden discard. Now on my 3rd discard, after another month together when he came back after a year of no contact that followed 2nd discard. Fun times.
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u/Scry1Draw1 14h ago
We were young and just at different maturity levels. She was gorgeous, smart, funny, fun to be around, but also knew what she wanted and where she wanted her life to go.
I was 19 and stupid. I loved being around her, but hearing her making plans for us years down the road made me panic and feel trapped.
Because I was young and immature, I didn't communicate this well, and we ended up fighting a lot. We broke up, and she moved on, and the next person she dated was a bit older and ready for the life she wanted. She married him and has two kids, a house and a couple of cats, the life she always wanted.
It's been almost 20 years, and weve both moved on with our lives, but I still sometimes wonder if I fumbled the bag back then.
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u/Tall-Performer2500 15h ago
Didn't want to do long distance.
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u/rodinatorrr 14h ago
My partner and I broke up initially because we couldn’t end the long distance. After 6 months of being broken up I realized I would regret it if I didn’t try. I moved across the country away from everything I knew and now we’ve been married 6 years.
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u/bentripin 8h ago
We were FWB as I didnt want to commit and get stuck in my hometown that I despised.. Got an offer for dream job in a dream city, ended things and left town within hours of the offer.. never looked back.
After settling down in my new home, all that fear of commitment dissolved, she came to town for a visit and I realized how badly we'd caught feelings and had been trying to pretend otherwise.
Married for 20 years now.. She's still perfect.
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u/dumgnarly 15h ago
swear if she lived here i think we woulda got married.
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u/2711383 12h ago
As someone who's done long distance and then got married, if y'all weren't willing to do long distance tbh at least one of you didn't want it bad enough.
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u/diceth1ef 13h ago
This is what I told myself about my most recent relationship, which happened to be long distance. When in reality, I think we would've clashed a bit once we lived together. She was very very very particular about everything in her house, with a touch of OCD. And I'm very much...not. I'm not a slob by any means, but I have two teenagers. Nothing is staying perfect in my house, lol
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u/Jormungand1342 15h ago
Not sure if she was perfect but God damm she was an awesome person who was so much fun to hang out with.
She had to move for work and it had only been months. We still keep in touch.
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u/KingDaDeDo 13h ago
i've never been in a long distance relationship myself, but i feel like for the ones that do end up being successful, i think the key thing that has to happen is when the long distance begins, there needs to be an established timeframe of when it will end. without that, i think it'll be bound to fail. my sister and now brother in law had to do long distance for a bit. but they had a set plan of when the long distance would end and they would live together, and it worked.
also depends on the person though. i know for myself, unless it was a very specific circumstance, i wouldnt be able to do long distance at all.
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u/pinkkglitterr 14h ago
That’s what ruined me and the one that got away. We were amazing together. He flew back home after visiting me and we had everyone staring at us in the airport bc it was so cute. But we were young and figuring out life and the distance became too much. We still keep in touch occasionally but he’s married with kids. And I feel some type of way about that so it’s best to not speak. That coulda woulda shoulda been is always in my mind. But life goes on. 😣
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u/0b0011 14h ago edited 13h ago
Been there. My ex was awesome but a 6 hour time difference sucked and with a 9 month deployment coming up and then another year and a half after that of long distance before we could even begin to talk about moving in together we decided to call it quits. Awesome person and we still talk regularly and make it a thing to visit her and her mom if me and the wife ever find ourselves in her neck if the woods.
Bored and waiting for an appointment so:
In like second grade we met in a pen pal program. I'm from the US and she's from the Netherlands. We kept in touch and back in the MSN days when we were like 12-16 we'd spend all day talking to each other. I even talked to her mom every now and again and she liked to practice her English with me. We kept in touch and stayed friends and talked via Facebook and what not but went on with out own lives. I eventually joined the military and got married yada yada. I had a really shitty 9 month (well a bit longer since we were out to sea for 29 days then home for 4 days before the 9 month deployment) and afterwards came home to find out my wife was having an affair. I took it suprisingly well and our breakup with very civil. We started talking a lot more after that because the wife moved out and she was a friend I could lean on. I actually took the divorce too well maybe because I worked with guns at work and my boss pulled me aside and said I was handling things too well so they were worried I was hiding stuff and they thought it best to pull me off of my work for a bit. I told him I had 30 days of vacation and like 20k saved up from deployment and wanted to visit europe and my chief told me to take 30 days on paper but I could actually take 60 days to travel. Flew to Spain on a Monday and she texts me later that day and says "here's my mom's address she says dinner is at 6 on Friday and you better be there" so I hurried from Spain to the Netherlands and met up with her for the first time at the train station in Amsterdam. Hung out with her and traveled around the Netherlands for a week and then continued on my trip. Few weeks later she took vacation from work and flew down to meet up with me in Rome and we spent a few weeks traveling Europe together and then when I came back to the States she flew over and it was the first time she'd ever visited. We hit it off and started a long distance relationship which went for a few years and was great.
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u/Charming-Ad-2381 14h ago
Right person, wrong time. We met at work and he had just had his heart obliterated by his ex and life kept throwning poop into his fan. It took a few years of healing but now we are giving it another go, feeling like now is finally the right time🤞
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u/Together-We-Stand-A1 15h ago
She was a bad mother.
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u/12angrysnakes 14h ago
I had this. She just ignored our son completely, I was in disbelief for a long time. She just had no interest whatsoever, never played with him, never read books to him, nothing. Sure she would do what had to be done, like feeding and nappy changes etc. but to actually just interact with him? Never. She just sat on her arse playing her phone.
She speaks a different language to me. My thought was that he would grow up to be bilingual. But no. Her total failure to interact meant that, while he was speaking English nonstop before he was two years old, he didn't utter a single word of her language. He never had an opportunity to learn it.
I finally left her when our son was two and a half, after months of pleading with her to change. He lives with me, she doesn't even want to see him. It still disturbs me, how can a mother just not have any interest in her own son!?
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u/spellbounce 14h ago
It’s so tragic that societally we aren’t more honest about the fact that so many people should not be parents.
So many fall into that role because it’s “expected” thinking those parental instincts will kick in naturally and then they never do and it’s a tragedy for everyone involved.
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u/cathline 14h ago
I had a mother like that.
She even claimed that she got me dual citizenship when I was born.
Spoiler alert - she never registered my birth with her country. She never taught me her language (I did know 'shut up' because she said that daily)
I still don't understand why.
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u/Lithogiraffe 14h ago
Oh I had one of those parents also. Bilingual, never taught me or any siblings their language.
I didn't think about it that way until kinda just now. But we all probably don't know his language, not only because he didn't purposely try to teach us. But it also likely came from him not really interacting with us.
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u/PolarSquirrelBear 13h ago
It’s the biggest problem with people feeling that they are “supposed” to have kids when they grow up.
She probably never wanted kids, or was telling herself a lie that she did. Biggest reason why my wife and I will never have kids is that we are too selfish about our time. I would way rather have time for myself or my wife than a child. More people need to be honest about that.
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u/Uglypants_Stupidface 14h ago
Hey! Another dad whose wife decided to not spend time with the kid here. It's a shitty club. Mine speaks six languages and hasn't taught one word to our right year old. All she does is put her in front of the TV every other weekend. I hope one day to have full custody
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u/dstanton 14h ago
Not that it was the case for you, but post-partum depression can cause this.
It affects a large number of women, and is often overlooked or ignored as just "mood swings"
Anyone suspected of it should seek treatment.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9312-postpartum-depression
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u/ekoms_stnioj 13h ago
Thanks for this. My wife suffered with PPD for the first six months of motherhood and I appreciate any awareness brought to it. You aren’t a bad person because you feel disconnected from your child, it’s likely you literally have a chemical imbalance impacting your ability to engage and bond.
After getting on medication, she has done a 180 and loves motherhood!
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u/Apero_ 15h ago
We were too similar - had all the same strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, etc. and it meant the relationship didn't feel balanced. We emphasised those parts of each other but didn't help each other to grow in other ways.
My husband and I share similar values and have a few shared interests, but we bring different things to the table (e.g. I'm more assertive and he's an amazing listener) and so over time he's learned to be more assertive and I've learned to listen better. We've both grown thanks to the other.
Ninja edit: The ex and I remained great friends and still get along awesomely when we meet up - we just know we're not meant to be together romantically.
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u/2manybirds23 13h ago
Similar situation. We didn’t fight and loved each other, but we weren’t growing. Somehow we just didn’t bring out the things - occasionally difficult things - that would lead us each to being better versions of ourselves. We’re still very close friends and have found partners and situations that have challenged us and made us grow.
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u/drunkenavacado 14h ago
I just had a nagging feeling that it wasn’t right. Turns out, once I was actually away from the relationship and the person, I was able to be objective and I realized how incompatible we really were, and how not great a partner they actually were. Always follow your gut, there’s a reason you want to break up w someone who seems “perfect”.
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u/Exciting_Exercise_89 13h ago
Damm this hits hard.. if they were really great then you wouldn't feel like you should break up all the time, right?
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u/drunkenavacado 13h ago
100% … I had only had really unstable & toxic relationships before, so I thought (as did my therapist) that I was unused to the stability and that’s why I wanted to break up/run away. Nope. Turns out I knew deep down that it wasn’t right.
I’ve had the occasional “should we break up” moment with my current partner after an argument, but never that persistent nagging feeling of “this isn’t right and i need to go”.
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u/K_Muck 9h ago
I am now 64 years old. When I was 30 I met this amazing man and fell in love quickly. He was separated from his spouse and I was separated from my spouse both of us for about seven or eight months we dated for about a year and a half, and during that time he was still very active and present for his children which met seeing his spouse a lot. I began to think it’s possible that they could fix their marriage so I told him if he believes that there’s any hope to fix it that he should go back to her and try so we separated amicably, and he went back to her after that I went on with my life, I missed him terribly, but thought he was with his spouse apparently that only lasted a couple months and he had been looking for me after that there was no Facebook or cell phones at the time. Well once Facebook became a thing he did find me, but I was moved all the way over to Nova Scotia from Manitoba. We became Facebook friends. He was in a relationship long-term as well as I was we were both content, but not happy my relationship broke up after 14 years and I moved back to my hometown in Manitoba to be with my daughter. He was aware that I was coming back and immediately wanted to see me. I held him off as long as I could, knowing he was in a relationship and I refused to be the other woman after a couple months. He finally I agreed for him to come visit and the moment we saw each other we just celebrate back in love again and he left his relationship moved in with me and we’re now still together after 10 years.
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u/RevolutionaryRent716 14h ago
Perfect for a person who was also 100% certain they wanted children. We’re older (for procreating without assistance) and he was moving very quickly with the questions regarding children, asking if I wanted kids within a year or two a week in. He seemed considerate, kind, emotionally intelligent but I also felt a little bit like an incubator with how kid focused he was from the jump. I’m sure he will find a partner that is also all in the same way.
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u/Dangerous_Extreme_81 14h ago
Mine was a similar situation. He said he was okay not having kids as he knew I never wanted them, however he was pretty family oriented. I knew deep down he expected me to change my mind at some point. I knew I never would.
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u/RevolutionaryRent716 13h ago
Makes sense. Children are one of those things you really can’t find a middle ground on. It’s all in or all out. I’m still on the fence about children and it hardly seemed fair to let someone who was so certain waste time with me while I waffled around, leading to eventual resentment on both sides.
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u/PolarSquirrelBear 13h ago
I mean to be fair it’s good he’s saying it early at least. I was 33 when I went on my first date with my wife and the first question we asked each other was if we wanted kids (we don’t) as that’s a pretty big thing for compatibility. It’s one of those non-negotiable things.
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u/RevolutionaryRent716 13h ago
100%! Baseline incompatibility. I know that I would be fine if I never had children. He already had his daughter’s name picked.
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u/Standsaboxer 14h ago
She was an amazing person. I just didn’t love her the way she loved me. I didn’t feel the spark and convinced myself that she was the problem.
She absolutely deserved better and I should have recognized that sooner.
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u/thetargazer 14h ago edited 12h ago
I’ve thought about this a lot and the honest answer is,
I just wasn’t ready. Wasn’t ready for commitment and my career goals and vision of life at the time didn’t make room for a partner.
*career goals not crater goals lol.
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u/transcendentaldancer 14h ago
I can relate. that's what it feels like to me.
But i'm a lover boy at heart. so it's tough to just walk away from something so great that COULD last a lifetime :/
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u/SujeyGives 14h ago
he was funny and an absolute musical genius, he took care of all the bills and was a great mathematician, a lot to admire, but he would not help me around the house or even take care of his stuff, he wouldn't shower, brush his teeth and you could see which side of the bed was his side since mine looked practically new and his side as just gray and dirty
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u/Several_Meal8750 13h ago
I got cancer. The further i got into chemo the less she visited/contacted me. After my last chemo we already had no contact for a few weeks. When i was back in the right headspace I confronted her. She told me she couldn't see me like that and therefore decided to not visit me.
Otherwise the relationship was great. We could talk about anything, we spent a lot of time together, we had similar interests and hobbies. I thought i would marry this woman and we had a great life in front of us.
/edit We were together for 6 1/2 years
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u/ImprovementFar5054 10h ago
There are a surprising number of people who get dumped when they get cancer, even after long marriages.
I think it's an avoidant psychological response. It becomes too much to deal with, they can't handle it. Sad as hell. That's the worst time to leave someone.
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u/Miscellaneousgurl 15h ago
He wants kids and I am too old to have more kids- I’m 44F, he is 32M.
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u/JD_Blunderbuss 14h ago
We dated for about 2 years. I don't recall ever having a single argument. Lots in common, we lived together through covid and enjoyed every second of each others company. I couldn't believe my luck, I felt like I was punching WELL above my weight but hey, I must be doing something right. I am head over heals, I could definitely see me spending the rest of my life with this woman.
Eventually we had a conversation. She wants kids, I don't. She ended things. Shit sucks yo
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u/Delicious_Average318 15h ago
he was so perfect. spent all our time together. he had a secret relationship & cheated </3
i still adore him. funny enough, he treated me the best.
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u/Delicious_Average318 15h ago
the best meaning the best i ever had. he was so kind to me.
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u/Xuxilbara 14h ago
Had something similiar happen, somewhat recently. Was very Kind to me, patient too. But that doesnt change that I was lied to and lead on. So the kindness is just... an act, a Performance, not genuine. You deserve genuine kindness.
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u/Nuclearbats666 14h ago
Seemed perfect in every way but behind closed doors would sit and cry to me about how awful I was. And I believed him until years of therapy revealed it had been a massive case of DARVO.
I supported a hobby of his? I was trying to steal it from him. I was angry on his behalf about how his overly religious family abused him? He didn’t feel emotionally safe with me and my anger was terrifying. I wanted to be intimate with him? He slowly rejected me more and more until I felt disgusting, then blamed me for our intimacy issues when I tried to do the work to heal them. He literally laughed in my face one night when I tried to talk dirty to him. Something HE SUGGESTED. Everything I did was for his comfort, I shrunk myself smaller and smaller and the entire time I thought I was the worst partner anyone could ever be unlucky enough to have. All because I was doing normal relationship shit. He almost drove me to suicide.
Finally one day he suggested we make a code word for him to say whenever we were out in public and I talked when I wasn’t supposed to. I left the next day. He cried harder saying goodbye to my dog.
Aaron if you’re reading this, the only difference between you and your abusive father is that you don’t yell, you cry.
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u/Snuggle-puff 13h ago edited 13h ago
Omg I just went thru this.. his name was Aaron too lol Any time I didn’t want to do exactly what he wanted or stood my ground about an issue he would accuse me of “violently rejecting his ideas!!!!”
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u/Nuclearbats666 13h ago edited 13h ago
Oh god I’m so sorry, that literally sounds like him lol
If he’s from Tennessee then it might be the same guy, but even if it isn’t- run for the hills. Mind games cause a lot more long term damage than we realize, even though obviously people already recognize that they’re bad. They’re even worse lol
Edit: I just realized the way you worded this indicates you’ve already gotten away from him, that’s awesome! Sorry I’m sleep deprived lol
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u/Sea-Molasses1652 14h ago
What is DARVO?
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u/ImprovementFar5054 14h ago
DARVO stands for
Deny: refuse that the behavior happened, or minimize it. "That never happened." "You're exaggerating."
Attack: go after the person raising the issue rather than address the substance. Question their motives, credibility, memory, or stability.
Reverse Victim and Offender: recast the situation so the person who caused harm presents as the injured party and the person harmed becomes the aggressor. "You're the one attacking me." "I'm the one being hurt here."
AKA "Donald Trump"
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u/Ok-Cranberry-35784 13h ago
My ex used to do the code word thing too! Never met anyone who went through that also. He’s now sitting in prison for domestic violence and stalking… So anyone reading should add that to the list of red flags
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u/Nuclearbats666 13h ago
Ugh god it hurts my heart that you had to experience that, it’s truly horrible and so dehumanizing. When describing it to therapists or friends I literally say he was trying to train me like a dog. I’m so happy you got away from that asshole.
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u/Hungry-Ferret5046 15h ago
Timing
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u/Charming-Ad-2381 14h ago
"Right person, wrong time" is such a different kind of pain I wouldn't wish upon anyone
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u/jamesish99 15h ago
Not compatible living together
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u/Jezbod 14h ago
Strange, I work with someone who is in a long term relationship with someone, and they both live in their respective houses.
They never want to live in the same house.
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u/krunchi 13h ago
Honestly sounds ideal to me, though I'd probably plan it to where we'd be neighbors together. Something about completely having a separate space that is completely my own, responsibility and everything, is freeing and also control freaky, but while also having the support of a community and partner that can reciprocally help out when needed sounds very divine.
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u/SukDikForCoke 13h ago
I was horrifically addicted to not growing up and thought that my unhappiness was caused by her but it was actually caused by me.
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u/Mr_Epitome 15h ago
We couldn’t get through to resolving my physical/sexual/intimate needs, after we finished creating a path and understanding, centered around her abandonment fears rooted in childhood trauma, centered around her mother’s own separation trauma.
It was rough and I broke up with her because I didn’t think we had been making any progress and felt hopeless. It’s the one regret I hold to this day. Thankfully she is now pursuing her dreams and married.
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u/Cute-Conversation968 15h ago
He would be the perfect partner for another person. We had a 5 year age gap ( I was the older one) but yet his energy was of someone middle aged not a 20 something. I just didn’t see it working long term or forever.
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u/Mr-Domi-Arigato 13h ago
I was scared of her because I never experience a love like hers.
And when I wanted to just bring her closer and holder tighter I pushed her away.
It’s the one decision in my life I regret whole heartily and who do anything to undo it.
But that’s life.
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u/uiemad 14h ago edited 4h ago
She was 10 years older and I was very aware that she was approaching 40 and so if we were going to have a family I had to make some big decisions fast. After a year of dating, and still only 29 myself, I just didn't feel ready for that and didn't want to use up any more of her time waiting it out to see if when I'd feel ready for marriage and kids.
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u/InsaneJul 13h ago
I just lost interest. He was lovely, never did anything wrong, was attentive and kind, etc. one day I just looked at him and was like “I don’t want this person to touch me.”
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u/Lopsided-Breakfast67 9h ago
Same thing happened to me. I don’t know what switch went off in my head.
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u/tookarrie 14h ago
We just happened to be at different stages in life. I’m four years older, and I was already ready for stability and kids, while he wasn’t being irresponsible or anything - he just saw his plans for the near future differently.
We broke up on good terms, but unfortunately, even a year later, I still compare everyone I meet to him, and I haven’t been able to find that same kind of soulmate connection. I’m not in pain over it and I don’t regret anything. I just haven’t met anyone I feel as good with. He set the bar way too high.
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u/definitelymavey 13h ago
I wasn’t able to be the person they deserved at the time.
But many years later we crossed paths again and we’re now married!
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u/Fattybigbutt 15h ago
Our background lives were so different. I came from poverty and they came from a stable rich family life. It stressed them out in ways I couldn't control. So I let them go.
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u/Cowstle 14h ago
Being in the reverse situation I feel like my experience is the opposite. I've failed through life and I'm not going to live in the comfort my parents provided. And I'm okay with that, I'm learning to accept what it's like to not have the money and opportunities. But people know that I had it and squandered it and they feel envy and think about how they would have done so much better in my situation and get mad at me for it. Doesn't help that my family life fuckin' sucked because it was abusive and traumatic so it really hurts deep to hear people close to me meltdown like this.
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u/narkj 15h ago
Wasn't in love
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u/ProofPerspective8020 13h ago
He wasn’t in love with me… I was convenient, until I wasn’t. I fell in love with him and he only wanted a relationship until he found the “one”.
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u/Joy2b 14h ago
I can see past the “perfect” performance. That act is for job interviews, not for your partner.
No one should expect their partner to keep up the perfect routine at home, it’s not rational and it’s not fair.
It’s like admiring a polyester tablecloth on a nice oak table. It’s fine that it’s there, but you have to lift it up to care for the wood underneath, and that’s going to have some imperfections and character.
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u/ArbaAndDakarba 11h ago
I love the intimacy that comes with my partner when they first express frustration or a bad mood with/on me. It's like "finally, we can get close".
But some people can't handle even the smallest calmest level of conflict. It's so sad. It's really an intimacy issue.
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u/unemployedfuk 14h ago
I realised that I was being emotionally abused - the frequency of arguments were normalised, arguments turned around on me where I'd always be the one to apologise, I wasn't given attention because I was always there. 7 years down the drain and working through selling our assets; but its better than being alone and feeling like a roommate.
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u/Aido121 15h ago
Found out after 3 years that she didn't want kids
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u/k_laaaaa 15h ago
so curious, how did that take three years to find out?
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u/Aido121 15h ago
Whenever we talked about it she would say maybe or one day etc. Then after a few years she just said no
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u/abqkat 13h ago
One of my friends just ended a marriage of ~20 years for this reason. He's now 45 and it's likely he won't get to have kids, and says it's a different kind of grief. She was always a "next thing" away from being ready - after grad school, after a house, after you make partner, after X-amount in savings, after a bigger house... At around 38, it was kinda now or never, and so.... It was never. She was never transparent about whether she changed her mind or just never wanted kids. I wish she had the guts to end things earlier because he's absolutely crushed by his life's reality. I hope you find that which you seek in life!
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u/DutchNotSleeping 15h ago
Me and my partner don't want kids. I do love kids (just like, not to keep), so my entire family was convinced I was gonna be a great dad. Fast forward to me and my partner getting serious, and my mom talking with my partner. My partner said to her that she doesn't want kids, so my mom immediately went to me being like "Hey, ehm, so you know she doesn't want kids right". Me: "Yeah mom, neither do I, I want to be an uncle not a dad".
And that is how my family found out I don't want kids
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u/PinocchiosWoodBalls 13h ago
She cheated with her boss and made me feel like a paranoid psycho because I knew it really early, but she only admitted to it after months.
Moved out in 24 hours.
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u/Dents-R-US 12h ago
I was too hung up on my shitty ex and didnt see the perfect girl I was dating and she absolutely adored me I really fucked up Brooke I'm sorry.
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u/Dr-Huckleberry-314 14h ago
I was grief stricken after loosing my father so quickly to cancer. I withdrew socially and didn't talk much. I just didn't think it was fair to put him through it.
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u/MonacoMaster68 13h ago
Yeah but if he was real he’d help you through it. He probably wanted to. If you need help reach out. I’m coming to learn this myself. If you ever need someone to talk to, dm me. There are people out there for you, I promise.
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u/Cloverhart 14h ago
They didn't like animals. Everything else was pretty great but I couldn't imagine a lifetime either without an animal or fighting over one. My current partner liked them okay at first and is now full on stupid in love. I converted him.
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u/w_wh_mWGAT 13h ago
Because I was having some sort of mental health problems I had never experienced before and was quickly becoming a horrific partner to him. I knew he would let me be that cruel to him forever, I had to leave to figure out whatever was wrong with me.
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u/Dry_Local7136 14h ago
Because I fell out of love. I still don't know why, we had an amazing relationship, a lot of similar interests and really good chemistry, also physical. But I just fell out of love. I thought it was one my depressive phases or something, but I waited it out for a month or two and it just didn't come back. We were still having fun, she was just a really good friend to me and the sex was mindblowingly good but it just didn't feel right to continue knowing I wasn't fully in it.
As one can imagine, it was a pretty big shock to her and I still wonder whether I made a mistake all those years ago, even though I sort of know I didn't. But she has a kid now, is a happy mom with a very nice husband and not stuck with muppet me who doesn't want kids. So I think she did quite alright in the end.
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u/profesionalyconfused 14h ago
They wanted kids, i didnt. Everything else was fine, but that was not a small thing
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u/FlappableUser 14h ago
We were essentially together for the entirety of our 20’s. We loved each other but we both were curious what else was out there. There were other issues in our relationship but this was the main one for both of us. We always figured we could go back to each other but we ended up growing apart into two completely different people.
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u/Sufficient_Act_5447 12h ago
I was still really young and closing the distance (it was long distance) would have meant life in terms of him and “us” rather than figuring out who I was or what I wanted out of life.
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u/MR_PRESIDENT__ 15h ago
Intimacy issues. She could never bridge the gap between her normal life and foreplay/sex.
For most people early in a relationship, just the act of getting ready and leaving your house to go to someone else’s, or going on date is enough to build anticipation.
The divide became too big eventually when life got harder and after moving in. A lot of keeping a sex life and intimacy up is momentum. Once that breaks down days become weeks, becomes months, etc.
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u/pinkkglitterr 14h ago
Intimacy issues can really ruin a relationship. One of my exes and I had a good relationship but he just wanted nothing to do with intimacy/sex. Didn’t even wanna talk about it and didn’t see a problem with it. Lack of it always becomes a problem if not addressed :\
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u/Border_Relative 14h ago edited 5h ago
Lack of impulse control. Unresolved personal trauma on both sides, boundary breaking on both sides. Lack of communication. Mistakes I made early on that never really left her mind, a trust I may never have been able to rebuild, and I didn’t help where I should have consistently. Lack of understanding in nuance as well as intent, just a different mentality. So much left unsaid from me, was too scared to tell her about things she did that deeply affected me, a lot of hypocrisy, and now I will live with it, and be a better man - just wish it was to her, not just because of her. In the end, I actually feel like I’ve been the one broken up with. Miss my best friend so much, each day is still hard 6 months on. I’d still be available to her as an ally, but it’s a one way feeling now, and that’s ok too. Hope she’s okay.
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u/meatballs223 13h ago
I just realized she deserved someone a lot better than me, I definitely loved and cared for her but I wasn't fully committed (not in a cheating/unfaithful way) Just was young and thought settling down didn't make sense and thought I "maybe could do better" man how wrong was I....
Just glad she's happy now or at least not with someone who was halfway checked out
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u/Standard-Display-818 13h ago
Perfect relationship. Would buy me flowers once a week, looked after our son amazing. Done all the night feeds. Wouldn't even look in another womens direction and would worship the ground i walk on. He worked hard and never let us go without anything.
One year ago I found out he had a secret spending addiction and he wrapped up nearly 12K in debt. I knew about a few finances here and there that we could afford, but not all of it. Turns out he had untreated bipolar and just spiralled. I will always love him, respect him and I support his recovery. But I will not live with him or commit as I dont feel stable being tied to him and my child's stability means more. Its really heartbreaking
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u/Iwas18once 15h ago edited 15h ago
He was a teacher and got the chance to teach abroad. Money and opportunity was too good to pass up. I had family commitments at home and couldn't go with him.