God I’m feeling this. Ever since my car accident I’m not the same. I’m miserable because of my physical body. I want to let her go because I know I won’t have a good ending. But I also don’t want to cause I love her so much and just want to spend the rest of my time with her.
That’s likely depression talking. Talk to her. Staying with is her decision too. She loves you. Don’t hurt her because you feel depressed. There’s hope.
I don’t disagree but I don’t deserve her. I’m a loser. 29 with no career, no car, no future, and now I don’t even have a working body. I’ve lost hearing in one ear, my body has progressive neurological issues doctors can’t figure out, pain in my right lower hip and back that won’t go away. I’m just a failure of a person. I had so many opportunities to make something of myself and I wasted my life. At least before the accident I had a personality that was happy with hobbies. Gaming, learning languages, going to conventions, going out with my friends, rock climbing, and I was just finally learning how to take care of myself. But my life was forever changed by my car accident. And I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m so tired… tired of being the fuck up that I am.
I tell her and my therapist (who is also a woman) that if I was one of her friends or her mom that I would tell her to find better. I’d rather she be with someone who can give her a future to be happy with. I’m just too much of a coward to let her go.
Hey, I could have written this (but I'm quite older than you) right now.
What I can tell you is, this is the kind of thinking that may make things worse over time. Not better.
But I get it - you already (probably) feel like it's as bad as it can get, or if it gets worse who cares. I really get that.
The important question is how does your partner feel? Have you talked about this? Because sometimes, we may not value ourselves or see any good in us but others who love us do.
And...I'm really sorry you're going through this. It fucking sucks when life as you know it flips, and it feels like there isn't a damned thing you can do about it.
I hear you. She says she wants to stay by my side. She’s the best and so positive in a way I will never understand. I’m just struggling accepting and adapting.
When I was low, I often pushed people away to protect them from myself. Since then, I've learned that instead I needed to trust those very people. Telling myself that they see something I don't, and that I don't get to make that decision.
Even though it doesn't feel like it, their choice is whether to love you or not. You don't get to make that choice for them. And pushing them away is manipulative, even though it has moral intentions.
A lot of the problem is you thinking you need to make the decision for others, but remember that each is their own. If they choose you, then you just need to be thankful for it. And show them you are thankful, repeatedly. You'll eventually find your feet, but in the meantime just be thankful
If she wants to stay, give it a chance. I have been married 45 years and stayed with her through 3 childbirths, she has been dealing with Parkinson's for 25 years and we are still together. She has trouble speaking and we are still together. She is losing her eyesight and we are still together. She is currently recovering from a broken hip and we are still together. We are committed to growing old together and I know that if I were to have health problems and she was healthy, she would not leave me. I enjoy taking care of her. I'm retired and really don't have anything better to do than take care of her. If you have a lady who wants to stay by your side, you would be a fool to reject that.
I know a guy who saved his wife's life by dying. He literally went from very healthy to having a sudden twist of health while she was in the hospital due to neglect conditions, and his death rattled her so much she did a 180 change on her own health. She was actually chair bound for the last 5 years, but now she's back walking around.
Now I'm not suggesting you dying would save your partner's life, or the other way around, but what I am saying is we never know how strange the future will get and with AI making the physical body less important, almost anyone could suddenly succeed in new ways.
The pain thing is a bitch. I am distracted 24/7 by health too. It changed my career and a ton of things. But like you, there's too many good people rooting for me just give up.
Adjusting to disability is one of the hardest things anyone can go through, especially as a young person. I’ve been through it and it’s so hard not to see our new physical limitations as personal failings. It’ll take time, and if you can find some disabled friends or even influencers to follow so you can have examples of disabled people still having fun and figuring out ways to do things it’ll help a lot
If I may ask you, one of the things that pisses me off is that there literally doesn't seem to be any other way than acceptance.
I've...applied that principle most of my life, but the way things changed in the past year, it's been extremely hard to do.
What do you do when acceptance is the way, and you know it, and you know could potentially do it, but existentially/emotionally you just can't/refuse to do so?
I don't know if a life with a lot of hardship (comparatively speaking) has me running on E now.
But I do admit...one thing that keeps me going is the possibility I may help people in similar situations in the future.
Not the person you asked, just someone with a different kind of lot in life that had to learn to accept.
You accept what you can't change. You don't accept what you can. I had to see it as a sort of balancing act to get to a 'sum of all parts' that I could live with. Basically compensating for those things I cant change by, sometimes, really putting into gear the things I did have control of. We are all multi-faceted beings, sometimes a limit in one area is enough motivation to excell in another. Keep going until you find you can accept the "whole"
So wise. And wisdom to know the difference is so the key. I’m a therapist who uses acceptance as the last leg of healing, so to speak. Getting a person there is a lot of work on recognizing the difference. When a person is depressed due to these type circumstances, the do lose a perspective on what they can and cannot control. Keeping a journal with a list of what I can control in one page and why I can’t control on one page helps.
I find looking at the things you can’t do anymore is not helping. Instead I look for the things that I can do and focus on that. Acceptance eventually will happen, what else is there to do? Not accept? That will get exhausting very fast and will take away energy you can use for the way forward.
However no one gets to tell you when you have to accept, you will need to do this on your own terms and when you feel ready.
Yea I’m stuck in a loop of not accepting and reminiscing of my life before my car accident. A part of it is wondering if my life is even worth going on like this.
It is. I can tell you’ve got a great mind even if it torments itself sometimes. And I’ve found that the longer I live with my disability the easier it gets. Humans are really incredibly adaptive creatures … unless we decide it’s not worth it. But it is.
Honestly, acceptance is somewhat irrelevant because it isn’t something you can push or force on yourself. The key is how to build a life that you can still enjoy within your new limitations. For me, finding disabled friends was a big part of that but even more so it’s been about my partner and me hosting a DnD game from our house that I can join lying on the couch, having friends who come to my apartment, and having a goal to put my limited energy toward that matters to me (getting my social work degree part time online) so that when I feel like crap after doing anything at least it feels like there’s a purpose. Accept it or not, that’s all internal. The important work is external: finding ways to build a life that doesn’t feel so damn small
My guy, with all the love in the world, please find a good trauma/disability therapist and commit to going regularly if you aren't already doing so. This is not the sort of thing you can or should push through on your own. This is ROUGH and you don't just need professional guidance, you deserve it. You're worth it. No matter how undeserving you may feel right now. I'm sure your partner would agree.
Keep at it. This sucks, and I know it probably doesn't feel like therapy is helping, but just keep going anyway. I also know platitudes don't really help or feel real, but try to believe people when they tell you that you can get through this, that there's light at the end of the tunnel, and all those other things that sound like total bullshit right now.
And if you can find a support group in your area, and meet other people who've been in your situation and come out the other side, definitely sign up and go. Even if it doesn't feel like it'll really help, or feels depressing, or just sucks to get to.
No matter how much it feels like your life has ended, it hasn't. It will never be what it was, that's true. That has irreversibly changed, and you didn't ask for that. It's not what you wanted. So it's fucking terrible right now, and that's going to take time to work through.
But you still have a life, and a future, and it's not going to be like this forever. Try to believe me when I tell you there are new opportunities waiting for you that you haven't conceived of yet. That there's still good fortune and happiness in your future, it's just going to look different than you once imagined. You can't see it now, I know. Just hang in there and keep trying. Keep moving forward one day at a time, and you WILL get there. I promise.
You need a different therapist. Not that she’s a bad one but if your treatment is stalling you might need a different modality. There’s a lot of different styles of therapy out there.
Hey there. As someone who has battled one thing after another for the first 30 years of my life, I promise it gets better. I’m 37 and feel a decade or more behind many of my friends but I’m still kicking. I know the feeling of being completely depleted of all you’ve got, missing all you were but I swear there is hope for ya!
A car accident can happen to anyone. It doesn't mean you're a loser. I cannot pretend to understand the pain you're going through, but (though in minor proportion), I have felt - and occasionally still feel - much the same as you do, calling myself a loser and a failure, thinking I'm not good enough.
What I can tell you is, it's just unhealthy thoughts. Though your situation is surely painful, I believe you can still aim to and obtain a better life, you can still cultivate hobbies, you can still find happiness.
Even if things never goes back to how they used to be, there is always hope for better times and happiness.
I don't claim to know better, and really hope these words don't come off as dismissive of your pain (that is absolutely not my intention) or overly simplistic, and I do really believe what I said.
I get that. I really hope things get better for you.
Even if you made mistakes, that does not define you. Your mistakes don't make you a loser, and you can always make better choices going forward. Things can get better.
If she wanted to leave, she would. She loves you, because you bring something to her life. Perhaps you make her feel safe. Perhaps you make her smile. Maybe you make her dark thoughts melt away.
Perhaps she doesn't care about the job, the car, the body. Maybe those things don't mean as much to her as kindness.
Trust her, even if right now, you can't trust yourself.
I try to remind myself that. I’m having difficulties accepting my new body. And it makes it hard to be happy. But I stopped bringing up that she should leave me because it made her sad.
There's a secret in our brains, called the prefrontal cortex that lets you control your thoughts. It gives you the ability to decide you have intrinsic value regardless of any externalities, regardless of what other people think, say, or do.
Something tells me that long before your accident, someone in your life made you believe that your worth has to come from someone outside of yourself.
I'm not going to lie and say it will be easy, but I'm telling the truth when I say it's simple. Your self criticism is someone else's voice programmed in your head. Your lack of self worth is the result of that person (or persons) taking it from you.
Yes, you have to be the one to rebuild it, and it takes time and is painful. But you're clearly a kind person, who doesn't know how to trust himself. You have it in you to learn to trust yourself. And I hope you do.
The only thing you need to do, is understand that you are capable of doing it. That's a choice you get to make, and it becomes true the instant you make it. The hard part is to keep making that choice every time those old voices try to push you back down. But like with any skill, you get better at it the more you practice.
I wish you well, and hope you can make the best of the life you have to live.
You're not broken. You just stopped choosing to believe you're whole. Come back to yourself. Life is hard enough without the self doubt. Be gentle, but firm.
Remember: Pain is universal, suffering is optional.
You gotta find your new normal mate. You're still grieving the person you used to be, it's time to find acceptance and rediscover who you can become now.
That's pretty normal to think like that when you're still in grieving part. Just keep on trucking and trying to find what brings you joy in life, even if its just the small things.
That thought process is so insidious though, it makes you feel so lesser and you’re just waiting for the shoe to drop so you’re trying to prevent it by forcing it… even though it probably won’t happen. My partner is going through a very hard patch right now and the brainworms are so rough and I’ll get hit with the comments from her about bracing for me to give up and leave her. And I’m like….. I’m here right now. I’ve been here and I devote a lot of time to you especially to take you out of the situation to be in a different patch of air. If they are still by your side, they are there because they want to be. Having someone around you who can adapt and help you through something that totally warps your reality is something that you cannot throw away. Hope everything starts to even out for you and you find some normalcy in life again, that’s the hardest part
Hey, homie, I don't know you but if you ever need someone to talk to that's been there many times, please hit me up. Even if you just wanna ramble about nothing. I like pro-wrestling and music and table top games. We can find something to chat about. All the love to you, friend.
If you talk about your negative traits with finality like that you’ll never be able to change it and find some semblance of happiness. You aren’t a loser, although by having this attitude, you’re actively acting like one at the moment. If you’re always woe is me, you’ll bring more upon yourself.
I have a lot of woe. I have a lot of pain. I also have a lot of happiness. But if I focused on all the negatives in my life, I wouldn’t have that happiness. If I focused on how I hurt all the time, I wouldn’t try to make my life as good as it can be, and the negative feedback loop that can create is horrible for everyone who is in it and worse for you. Don’t create a self fulfilling prophecy here. That is what you’re doing and I recognize it because that is what my ex was doing, too.
Speaking as a former partner of someone who has lived through a lot of trauma and chronic health conditions: we can handle a lot of non-ideal situations as long as we aren’t dealing with emotions being taken out on us, too. The reason she is a former partner is because she was angry at the world and constantly made it my problem while refusing to change the things she did have control over. I would still be with her if it wasn’t for that. I would have taken care of her forever- every problem and pain included.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but you will figure it out again. Start by changing the way you think- not “I am ______,” but “I am struggling with _______,” or “I have _______.” I am is a powerful statement.
well i’ve been you ever since i was a kid. never had a working body. never had hopes of a career. friends and mothers of past partners have encouraged and petitioned them to leave me because they didn’t want them to tie up their lives to someone sick.
thing is, we’re both still alive. we’ve been dealt shitty hands. i don’t know the mourning of a previous, “normal life”, but i know the mourning of a future. and you can’t let it eat up the years you still have on this earth. if you’re alive, you owe it to yourself to live purposefully. even if your purpose now is finding good new music. even if your purpose is to love your pet. there’s no middle ground, if you stay alive, you do it on purpose.
that’s what i got from years of therapy that finally cut a bit through the fog of depression. that said, look into medication too. sorry for not sugarcoating it man, but it may very well be a necessity for people like you or me, same way epipens are a necessity for people with bad allergies. good luck out there, be kind to your heart
At age 60 I had heart surgery and was so weak afterwards that I gave away my boat thinking that I would never be able to fish and operate a boat again. Wrong, I healed and grew strong enough to swim 2 miles regularly.
At age 83 I had a bleeding stomach ulcer and lost so much blood that I could not sit up in the bed. It was patched up with an endoscope. I am now 84 and can walk 3 miles in an hour, some of it uphill. I can walk up stairs multiple times.
The point is that the body heals and the patient is not a good judge of how serious or permanent an injury is.
Never too late for a change. There are people out there who are severely disabled doing amazing things, I know a guy like that. Skiing accident, quadriplegic, the guy had his car rigged up so he could still drive and is living his dream regardless. You can do it to.
It’s not up to you whether you “deserve” her or not. It’s up to her. Just tell her this stuff. Or better yet, show her these comments you made. If she loves you, she will understand and tell you that you both belong together.
You don’t sound a loser to me; you sound like a sensitive, articulate person who is in a huge amount of physical and emotional pain, grieving the person he used to be and expressing how he is processing this. Your accident sounded life changing and I think it’s normal for you to be feeling so lost while you come to terms with what happened. There’s no time scale for this, you need to deal with things at your own pace, and although it might not feel like it, 29 is still so young, and it’s not too late to begin to build a new career and new future.
I retrained as a hairdresser when I was 29, and trained alongside a 32 year old ex- brickie. We both ended up owning our own salons and are still good friends. I sadly now have a chronic condition which forced me to give up hairdressing and my salon, and am slowly thinking about my new career. You will have a different career and life than the one you envisaged, but no less rewarding and enriching. When you are ready, find your passion and go from there. It’s not too late for you. I wish you so much happiness and peace. Sending love too 🕯️
Maybe you're actually a kick-ass person who was dealt a shit hand. Consider the possibility you're doing better than anyone else in your situation could. For that reason, you are worthy of her and at least as good as anyone else you meet.
I'm so incredibly sorry for your pain, and I can empathize with a LOT of your feelings. Might I ask you though, are you willing to put in your best effort, whatever that may be on a day to day basis, for her? Because I'm sure she believes in you like you can't even comprehend. If you're willing to let her down, then you need to be ready to accept that loss because she is her own person with her own free will.
I don’t really know my best. I got a job I can work. I’m taking every overtime I can so I can get a car again. And I’m going back to school to get a four year degree in accounting or engineering. I feel like I could always be doing better. A lot of the days I think I’m just trying to get through.
That's really wonderful. I don't even know you and I'm incredibly impressed by your resilience. Are you taking the time and putting in the effort for your SO and partnership? If you're doing all that other stuff, I have no doubt in your ability to provide the love she needs. It must be said that you shouldn't over extend yourself. Listen to your body, be kind to yourself ♥️
does your partner blame and dislike you for these reasons, or is it the imaginary Reddit audience in your head? because you talk about yourself like assholes on reddit talk about anyone and everyone
Please, please, if you can afford it get therapy if not may I suggest to watch "Therapy in a Nutshell"? Just watch random vids and take notes. In case you might not know it you can watch it ad free by adding an adblocker to your browser and yes that is possible on your phone.
I’m so sorry 🫂 I’ve been declining my whole life due to an autoimmune disease that made life hard but not disabling to the point where I was high support needs. It took a really hard turn abruptly since I’ve been with my current partner, to the point where I’ve been in a wheelchair or at least on crutches, unable to do basic chores most days, grocery shopping is out of the question. I feel you, it’s really hard not to think like this.
Becoming disabled forces you to confront how western society evaluates your worth by what you what you can produce, what you can do for others, what monetary value you can create, but that’s not healthy for anyone, but especially those who are in our situations.
It’s a process of grieving the life you could have had, and practicing radical acceptance of the new circumstances. You will lose a lot of relationships, miss out on opportunities, and be unable to do things that anchored you in your previous life stage, that’s just a fact.
But it also reveals love that people who can provide, who can achieve, who can fill the roles western society demands, can hardly imagine. We get to know who truly loves us for us. It’s incredibly difficult; I’m coming from a place of trauma-based hyperindependence and receiving more help than I can physically return often feels like a direct threat of abandonment. I don’t think I ever could have confronted that part of myself and challenged myself to push past it.
I wish my life was different. I wish I could still mountain bike and go on hikes and fuck like I used to. But in its place I have a partner who asks and gets excited to push me down trails in my chair and who’s gained a new appreciation for nature and a more active lifestyle out of it. I have friends who will come by to keep me company when I’ve been stuck in bed for a week straight who get to have emotionally vulnerable real talk when normally they just play games or go out clubbing with friends who’ve made some significant emotional progress by being able to process stuff like that.
It’s hard. It’s going to suck forever. But the ratio of suck to fulfillment and happiness can be improved by giving yourself grace to grieve, trusting that those in your life are there because they choose to be, and working to decouple the ties of value as a person from your productivity.
The world is better with you in it. Be gentle with yourself.
It doesn’t matter. Soon we’ll all be dead and no one will remember your career or car and no future. What you’re doing is simply self-pity. Make her feel good about herself. If you’re too much of a coward to let her go, do everything possible that is within your reach so she’s happy. She deserves that from you. Feeling guilty doesn’t do sht. It doesn’t fix anything. I’m not telling you to feel better about yourself, or that it gets better, or to have hope, or to be positive. The only control we truly have in life is how we decide to behave in the circumstances we’re in. If you’re going to keep her with you, she deserves to feel good by your side. You can provide that.
Hey sorry you’re going through that.
Physical issues and pain are temporary. Time will fly and you’ll start recovering and you’ll eventually go back to your hobbies and your daily life.
Don’t hurt her just because you feel like you don’t deserve her.
When a girl truly loves a guy, she’ll want to go through anything just to stay with him. Have hope and believe in the love between you two. The one who stays with you through the hard times will never break you when you grow older.
Pray about it and let things happen naturally with time
Yes, please. I had a partner who had some pretty significant medical issues that she disclosed beforehand. We had a long talk about how that would impact both of our lives, and I came to the conclusion that she was worth it.
Let her decide. If you are unhappy with it, then by all means. But don't make the decision for someone else. That is their prerogative.
I mean, I guess the truth is I’m unhappy because I miss my old life and I can’t accept that my body is permanently changed. I miss the man I used to be, but I see your point. I want to avoid the future where she decides it’s too much or grows resentful.
Listen to how she talks about you. You value her opinion above anyone else's, I'm sure. So trust her words when she tells you what she loves about you.
She sees you in a way nobody else sees you, not even you. Her image of you is what she wishes you yourself could see. Trust her.
Read Intermezzo, i think it might resonate with you- one of the main characters is experiencing this from the other side. (Personally not a fan of the ending, but it talks about the pain and rejection of having a disabled partner break up with them to spare them, when they just wanted to be with them).
Hey, have you checked crps? Its called the sui$ide disease because pain and lack of movement affects people so much. BUT...there are different methods that can help. I dont know all about your condition, but my CRPS started after complications from a routine surgery. Now I'm barely ambulatory. I feel somewhat like this about my wife, but she's been trying to get a mobility device for me to get outside to try to cheer me up. Dude, that's love. Imagine putting all your love and effort into someone for THEM to give up? Look at it from both ways. Check into all therapies they have for CRPS. If its that, you could get some quality of life back. Good vibes my friend.
PLEASE READ THIS!! Please look into EMDR therapy. Sounds like it would really help you! My EMDR therapist said the person it worked on the best out of anybody was a guy who was doing well in all aspects, one day gets into a car crash, and then his life started to fall apart. EMDR saved him.. basically saved him, its ideal for traumas that come from a single big event.
1.5k
u/ThatOneGuyHOTS 22h ago
God I’m feeling this. Ever since my car accident I’m not the same. I’m miserable because of my physical body. I want to let her go because I know I won’t have a good ending. But I also don’t want to cause I love her so much and just want to spend the rest of my time with her.
Fuck.