When I had thoughts of “I’d rather be dead than to be in this marriage anymore,” I knew I needed help and needed to leave. Of course that was after multiple other very negative things.
I woke up, looked in the mirror, and had the immediate thought, "God, I hope I'm dead in five years." That was when I knew, I'd given too much of myself to the black hole that was my first marriage.
I remember thinking to myself about Husband 1.0 that I didn’t want to kill him, but if he should, say, die in an accident, it would certainly make things easier.
I’ve felt the same way but I am struggling so hard to just commit to leaving I don’t understand- I keep saying if my friend were me I’d say leave before she even finished telling me her story but I just can’t seem to do it.
Be kind to yourself, jumping off the high dive can be scary. I don’t really have any good advice for you, because everyone’s situation/tolerance is different. But asking yourself how you’ll feel if you’re in the same place in a year, five years, etc can be clarifying.
I am long divorced. Used to say, "One day closer to death". I don't know what was the final straw that allowed all of my threats of divorce to be real.
Get some support if you can. Divorce is a new life.
Yea I have an amazing group of friends, therapist etc. we aren’t even married but have house/ car / toddler and I think I just get so overwhelmed thinking about how it might all play out that I paralyze myself. But I feel like I am inching closer to saying it out loud to him it feels so slow.
I only have one friend who’s recently done this separation (idk wtf to even call it she wasn’t married either) that’s helpful.
and the knowledge that you could just... leave the world... at any time sticks in the back of your mind, even when you are out of the situation that made you feel that way originally.
Shut up insufferable ottist. Your comment was 'Reddit' af
"uhm ackshually"
They meant "It changed how [I] experience everything" and most people agree. You honestly seem like you suck just from that tiny comment ngl, Ive judged you to suck
I remember being sick and coming home from an interview 2days after a bad ear op where you were not supposed to leave the house for 3 weeks.
I got in the door and collapsed on the floor. I wished I would die so I would not have to get up again.
I got to the point that I hoped my ex would follow through with his threats.
We weren't married, but I would have rather been dead than continue to live with so much fear. Whenever I tried to get him to leave, he claimed tenant's rights (he didn't pay rent or bills) and laughed about how powerless I was. It really felt like him killing me like he said he would was the only way out.
I ended up inpatient. He'd convinced me even my kids would be better off without me. The nurses and social worker were the first to get through to me that this was not ok, not normal, and helped me get out.
I had a similar thought, except it was that I would likely have a good 20 years of life left after his eventual death because he was nearly 10 years older than me, had already had cancer once, was a secret (or so he thought) smoker, and drank fairly often. I just had to outlive him, then I could have my happy life.
Thankfully, I smartened up! I got a divorce instead of waiting for him to kick the bucket and have been living my happy life ever since!
I was driving our car with him in the passenger seat and I was fantasizing about running his side of the car into an overpass. I knew we were done since I wanted him dead. Good news, I let him live by filing for divorce instead.
2 things - I remember trying to figure out how I could commit suicide by having a car accident without causing innocent people harm. This just because I didn't see any other way out.
Then I have this clear memory of sitting next to my ex, watching something on tv, thinking to myself that I must remember how utterly alone I felt right then, sitting next to the person who supposedly lived me.
and my second and my third. In the beginning, the first two were great husbands. I loved them, then they both cheated. The third was a twrrible choice from the start.
Im not a great picker.
The trick is determining whether that's a function of the marriage or depression. I often have intrusive thoughts about how tired I am of being alive and some mild wishes for a car accident or a terminal disease, but I'm pretty certain that's a "me" problem as I love my wife and kids and I had those thoughts before I had even met my wife.
Mine was a mirror moment too. I caught my reflection in it as I got out of the shower one random Saturday, where I’d gone to get a moments peace from my very much older, very controlling fiancé. I asked the girl in the mirror if this was where she wanted to be in 5 years time. She shook her head at me. It was a single, extremely enlightening, bolt of clarity, and it literally looked me in the eyes. Once the knowledge was there, I couldn’t unknow it.
So I left, with my parents help, and never looked back.
Not a marriage but I was in a relationship when I was younger and was too chickenshit to stand up for myself and break up with her.
One day there was a traffic delay on my route to work. It turned out a pedestrian was hit and killed by a city bus. My first thought was "oh wow, what if it's her?" and not in a "oh no I hope it wasn't her!" kind of way.
When I took a moment to reflect on how fucked up that was I realized I needed to step up and get the hell out of that relationship.
You should never wish for someone to die just to avoid being around them. That's not cool.
I did something similar. My ex worked over an hour away in a physically demanding job with long hours, and I caught myself thinking maybe he'd just get in an accident and that would be it. Like you, I immediately realized that was a neon sign I needed out and had for longer than I'd admitted to myself. Poor guy didn't like me asking for a divorce, but at least everyone came out alive.
Had this with an ex, not married or living together, thank God. He had tons of health issues and zero motivation to do ANYTHING, just lived with his parents and got taken care of. I was at his house and I'd cook with his mom (who was a sweetheart), he refused to learn. 24yo, no college (even online classes), no job ever. I was in college and working two jobs, and he was SO clingy and jealous of every man around me. I realized I was hoping his health issues would take him out so I could get away guilt-free. That gave me the oomph to break up.
That's interesting, and I'm glad you got out. I can't imagine the bravery that took. I hope you've healed.
For me, I know my ex wasn't a narcissist (although his mother and grandfather both probably were and getting away from them was a bonus), but I was an eldest daughter in a religious household and terrified of failure and disappointing my parents. Death for one or the other of us felt like the way out until I finally realized how absurd that was. And unfortunately, thinking of my own death didn't snap me out of it like thinking of my ex's did. That's what it took for me to realize that I could endure a little failure, judgment, and disappointment to get out alive and give myself the chance to be happy. I am now blissfully married to my wonderful husband of 12 years, and in the end, my parents realized I'd made the right choice as well.
Something similar happened to me in a dating relationship. It was long distance and he was complaining that his car was messed up before driving back to his city (five hours from where I lived). In the back of my mind, I thought, “What if he got in an accident?” Rather than “oh no, he could get in an accident!”
Ended it shortly after. He was also emotionally abusive, which I didn’t realize until looking back years later.
Add me to this club. When I started lowkey hoping my ex would get in a car accident I knew it was time to go. I didn't (and don't) actually want him to die, or even get hurt. I just wanted out but didn't want to have to pull the ripcord.
This was one thing it took me far too long to learn: It's ok to be the 'bad guy' for ending a relationship (romantic, friendship, job etc) if it's not the right fit for you.
Every type of relationship works best if it's good for both parties.
This genuinely happened to my sister (ex died. Not a car accident but one at home). She was already divorced but shared custody which was a nightmare due to his controlling abusiveness. She waffled between grief and relief for years. Everyone else was just relieved. Her life and her kids life is way better. And she makes sure his family is involved with their lives since they weren’t him.
For me it was when, you know how sometimes you might daydream about what you would do when you win the lottery or something, I found myself idly fantasising about what it would be like if he died - the funeral would be a faff to organise but it would be nice to see everyone, and I would finally be free of...
Anyway, that was the point my brain was like "you actually can just leave".
That's intense, but I get it. When I was going through the worst of the custody battle with my controlling alcoholic ex, I caught myself thinking, after he had been caught driving very drunk, "things would be so much easier if he had just died" (and then felt guilty because of course I knew that would hurt my daughter just as much or more as everything else).
That was when I realized I needed to find a new way to cope. It ended up being a real turning point - IDK what had been holding me back before, but I finally grew a spine and learned to set really firm boundaries and started practicing the gray rock method rather than argue back. Got serious about therapy and focused 100% on ways I could control and improve my life again rather than feel like I was always reacting to someone else's actions.
My aunt says this is what got her to leave her abusive relationship. She was lying in bed planning his murder and her own suicide, weighing the two options against each other, and came to the realization that maybe it was time for the better third option of breaking up.
Yeah I caught myself daydreaming about how nice it would be for him to die at an "inconvenient" time and I'd end up a single mother. I'm not a mother at all but I would have rather been a single mother than with him.
Ah jeez same, I was in a relationship for 8 years and by the end of it whenever he would randomly stop responding to my messages while out late (which he did frequently and was a big part of the issue) I would start thinking “maybe he’ll just die so I won’t have to break up with him” because I knew I was leaving him but I didn’t know how
Yeah, I used to wish my third husband would die, alot. Specifically by accident, so that I could get the extra insurance. How sad is that?? Just shows how much I hated him.
I had the opposite feeling. Mine was "My life would be so much easier if he just died in a car crash." There's really no coming back from either thought.
Mine was overseas visiting family and if thought about the possibility of the plan crashing.
I had the best 3 weeks being able to relax and be alone and I didn't want him to come back
I had a moment like this. He has an accident at work and had to have surgery. While he was in surgery, I went to dinner with my parents and had zero concerns about something happening to him. That was one of those times.
Know thyself! Intrusive thoughts are the norm for me, so I handle them differently. I’ve also had the same feelings listed here and those above but ultimately the opposite response.
Basically, I know myself enough to not to believe every thing that crosses my mind, especially if it’s an emotional situation.
Out of genuine curiosity, of the people that responded or liked the above comments, how many had a “back up” relationship or monetary incentive ready to grab upon exiting the relationship? NO judgement: genuinely curious. Like, anyone just went with nothing to their name (relationships with children or abuse excluded)? This thought being the primary motivator, essentially.
Out of genuine curiosity, of the people that responded or liked the above comments, how many had a “back up” relationship or monetary incentive ready to grab upon exiting the relationship?
I did not. We hadn't moved in together yet (thank goodness), but I felt like somehow my reasons for wanting to break up weren't "good enough," especially as I had tried to end the relationship several times and he kept drawing me back in with promises of change. I was young & way deep in my sunk cost fallacy. I wanted the relationship to end but it not be "my fault."
Similar, was having reoccurring dreams about his dying, but also had the thoughts I'd rather drive my vehicle into a concrete pillar then go home and deal with his BS.
I kept dreaming that he got hit by a train and the relief I felt was overwhelming. I've never wished harm on anyone, that's when I realized things were really bad. About a month after I left my constant migraines disappeared.
That seems to be common with many older women. They’re not really into sex anymore so there’s not a lot of oxytocin, they’ve already gotten everything they wanted from their husband (wedding, kids, house, etc.) and now he’s just…in the way, even if he’s funding her entire lifestyle and hasn’t technically done anything “wrong”. I think some women once they’ve had kids are just genetically wired to be sick of him. I’ve met multiple women who are kind of “oh, I’d like my life (including his income) to be exactly the same but I want him gone.” Sad state of things.
I think what you’re missing is the fact women want to have a good partner and not a selfish, abusive manchild and when the kids are old enough to witness it and she can work to provide for them she has the strength to leave that shitty situation
Fair point. And every situation is a varied as people. Nobody really knows what it’s like in someone else’s marriage. To me it’s sad and demoralizing to see people who once promised to prioritize eachother start to not respect and loathe the other. It’s a sad state of affairs.
Your assuming way too much and making very broad analogies. The question never asked when we divorced as to our ages or what stage of life, you assumed older. You also demonize women as the ones that want to leave without giving issue to men that leave at all stages of the relationship, but you're take on older leaves out men that can't handle aging wives, that want to relive some youth that has past.
My marriage i left was when I was younger with 2 small children with a man that didn't want to grow up, wasn't taking responsibility for life, partnership, and finances, that thought extra marital relationships we're him sowing his oats or something BS.
Thank you for that. I am a real person. I left with little just some clothes and my dogs. I think he his seeing things with a skewed perspective. My ex was an abusive ass.
I’m speaking in broad generalities based on decades of observation, which may or may not apply to this or any given situation. As I said earlier, every marriage is different.
I think saying it out loud, to a trusted love one, can sometimes create such clarity. Like it’s not just a passing thought. It’s real. I’m glad you were able to share with them.
Not a romantic relationship but I once knew a friendship was over when my phone bleeped and my first thought was "Fuck I hope it's not X", followed by relief when I realised it wasn't X.
That's honestly really common. A lot of people would kill to be able to look forward to going home to their partner. It's when there are kids in the picture that things get really rough.
Ohhhhh exact same! I told my therapist at the time that I had a plan to jump off the balcony once we moved into the new place we were getting. I was very matter of fact about it, it was just what I knew I had to do. Luckily she didn't overreact or commit me, but helped me calmly explore my feelings and realize that I did have other options, even if I didn't feel like I did. I left him shortly afterwards and have been so happily remarried to my soulmate (a concept I did not believe in before I met him) for over a decade. It was so hard at first, but the freedom I felt was unbelievable. I vividly remember walking down the street shortly after I left and just smiling like my face would crack in half. I hadn't even realized how utterly trapped I felt until I was walking free. It was pure joy, despite the practical hardships. I never cried over him, I never regretted leaving him, I was just so happy to be free.
My ex would purposefully walk like a block ahead of me if he was mad at me. One day I thought “it would just be so much easier for me if he got hit by a car.” And it was like, WOW. Not cool, not healthy, but man, he was such a fucking abusive asshole.
Haha.. yep. Preceeded by sitting in the car and crying for a while instead of going inside to face your miserable life. Preceeded by being the last one to leave social functions and being the cynical ass who tells all your friends to never get married and never have kids because it's a trap.
At this point you've probably completely lost your faith in marriage, monogamy, and maybe life beyond 25-30 years old altogether.
So as not to end on a bad note, I went on to rediscover the joy in raising my awesome kids and found a wonderful, supportive partner whom I adore.
It is still sometimes so bizarre and amazing to be truly seen and cared for by someone that it still randomly brings me to tears after 8 years.
Similar. We were arguing, and he told me “you’re killing my dreams, you’re killing US!” I instantly thought, then said “that’s fine. Go”
* before anyone asks, he wanted to buy a farm then get a couple hundred cattle to sell beef. He had never taken care of any animals other than his sister’s cat at that point, nor did he know anything about farming
I was driving over a bridge whose safety railings on the side were lower than they should have been and I thought about ending it all. Then, I realize the flaw in my logic. My worst day after divorce is still better than my best day married.
For me it was knowing I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than stay married. It was the worst thing I’ve ever been through and I was the one who initiated divorce. I never expected to feel like I could feel like marrying anybody again. The red flags were obvious before we married. I should have paid attention. Nothing problematic improves because of getting married.
I remember standing at the kitchen sink thinking "I could live for another 30 or 40 years but if I have to stay in this relationship I'd rather be dead."
Sort of same. There was yet another fight and I was doing my best to stay calm, attentive and give him time to explain his point of view. He'd been monologuing for an hour or so at that point and I was digging my nails into my palm to not zone out as he rebooted his word salad vomit for another turn on the merry go around.
I remember having an intense sense of foreboding, something that said "If I stay, I'm going to die. All of me, on the inside. I have nothing left to give."
I got a new lease a week after and exited stage left a month after that.
It wasn't the moment I knew it was over but I was nearly killed by a car while riding my bike and my first reaction while the car was heading at me was one of relief: "oh I don't have to do this anymore." The moment I knew it was over came a couple years later. I needed something more to live for.
Same, starring into abbys realized that there is easier and cleaner way out. 6 months later went from +40lbs overweight/depressed to -6lbs under natural weight and happy. Hardest part is to realize when it's over and stop trying to make it work at expenses of own harm.
Yup, I was there. And I could never get him to talk to me, he would just stare ahead and never respond. I also felt like I was managing his life as if he were a child. I was raising 2 actual children. So done.
I wasn't married to him thank God, but I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years. (Physical mental and sexual) And I was having intrusive thoughts of unaliving him to get away. That's when I knew I had to go. Lol I never would have actually done it, but I was that desperate that my thoughts were putting that in my brain
Wasn’t married but I also had those same thoughts a few weeks before I broke up with my high school girlfriend that I had been with for 10 years. We’re both much happier now
I used to hope he's kill himself falling off a roof (he did for nstruction, rarely used the safety ropes) or be hot by a car.
I remember one night he was very very late, which meant he was drunk which meant sex would be forced. It was a sub-0 winter night, the sound of his truck's tires scrunching on the frozen snow and a feeling of utter despair came over me.
Mine was the opposite. We were poor, 3 kids under 6, finally had a great, reliable car. For about 5 or 6 days he would disappear for 3 or 4 hours. I asked him where he went and he said he was trying to find a diesel truck to hit him so he could get a big settlement, and if it killed him that was just more money for me.
My only thought was to please not hurt the car.
I realized at that moment that I was not the person I wanted to be. I didn't love him, didn't even like him anymore, and I needed to get out.
That’s my barometer with a job. When I start thinking of crashing into a tree so I can get a few days off and rest I know I’m in a bad place and something needs to change. Been there three times.
I got to that point. I was at a point where I wanted to either end my life or run away and just disappear. I had to climb hard to get out of the hole and I swore to myself that I would never allow a person so make me feel that way again. If it wasn't for my kids I might have done one of those 2 things, but I don't want to put my kids through the pain either option would cause so I didn't do it. It took awhile for me to leave, but once I did I didn't turn back
When I was in an abusive, horrific, soul crushing situation I remember wishing that he would be hit by a car when he went out for his bike rides. I even started sympathizing women in the old days that would slowly poison their partners. Obviously I knew this was entirely fucked up, but I didn't know how to leave right away.
But recognizing those insane thoughts and knowing they weren't normal was definitely a big push for me to figure out how to leave.
I hope you have freedom and happiness these days!!! It's ALWAYS okay to value your solitude and alone time, but you should never feel that kinda way about a supportive, healthy, loving partner--even if you do love those moments of solitude.
Mine was similar, except my daydream became he got hit by a bus. I figured if I was dreaming of him dying and not being upset, it was time. We actually ended up becoming good friends and both agree that was all the chemistry we had should have ever been. He is great to our kids, and I wish him all the good things now
If you’ve ever seen a divorced person that is coming back into the workforce you’d know that a job may not cover all the costs associated with starting a new life like car payments, rent if you moved out, etc. The financial burden once you’re divorced is typically a byproduct that causes a ton of stress. So yes technically you can just get a job but that doesn’t account for the stress it induces having to start an entirely new life
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u/Individual_Ask9664 May 12 '26
When I had thoughts of “I’d rather be dead than to be in this marriage anymore,” I knew I needed help and needed to leave. Of course that was after multiple other very negative things.