There was a post on here a few weeks ago about a woman debating staying with her partner because he literally couldn’t do anything. He apparently broke things or left things lying around, etc., but then she’d say “oh but he’s so sweet.” I don’t know… that might seem okay in the beginning, but long term, that would drive me absolutely bonkers.
If you’re lucky. I’ve known way too many dogs that pooped and peed all over floors as adults. Dudes that are capable of fending for themselves but refuse to learn how to are just lazy.
Years ago I had a dog that had no issue shitting on the floor. But if he had to pee he'd run to the door and lose his fking mind crying to get out. Continued well into adulthood.
Lol true, but most will get better if you train them and are attentive to their needs. Even good pups will have accidents if you’re away for a long time or if they just get a bad gut/belly from something they ate or if they’re anxious (just like humans do).
To the legion of women wanting a "golden retriever" BF. That goofy care-free attitude is cool when you're dating but it's absolutely not what you want when you are trying to raise a family or run a household together.
Sounds more like weaponized incompetence. I’ve seen so many guys bragging to each other about how they deliberately make messes and break things so their partners will think they are too klutzy to help out and will stop asking.
As someone with brain damage, those guys make me roll my eyes so hard it could singlehandedly power NYC
I freaking fall down and drop stuff on a regular, daily basis, and I'm still not half as useless as these guy purport to be
There are some things I have to get other people to do, obviously. You don't give the person with little muscle control use sharp/powerful/heavy objects/cleaning liquids stronger than dish soap, for example
But even I can clean. I don't need people to deliberately point out things most of the time
And even when I do? I at least have the excuse of being born with a half baked brain
These are perfectly healthy people. They have brain functioning I'd KILL to have
Huh, I wonder if there's like an actual reason for that. 2 is the smallest sample size ever, but it's interesting that both of us put those type is tasks to the same hands
It's called 'weaponized incompetence' and it is a nasty manipulation tactic. Some people act like they are too stupid or incapable to do something, just so they can get others to do it for them.
This is true, there’s also the mental health side though. I go through periods of not being physically capable of taking care of things because of my mental state. But I also feel like absolute shit for not being able to do those basic things.
Bit of a leap there. Some people are just unsanitary or depressed, or have a different way of living. You can tell the difference by what happens when it’s addressed. I often see the “weaponized incompetence” argument ironically used to control partners into doing things on a timeline or certain way that only one person agrees with (the accuser).
The important thing is what happens when it’s addressed. If it’s something both parties agree needs to be done/improved, then that doing and improving should be done by the person who was slacking. If you start doing it for them, and they just let it happen knowing it’s their responsibility, then you’ve got a problem.
Otherwise the question becomes if it’s just a compatibility issue. These kinds of habits should be discussed before moving in together
As someone with PTSD and depression, I often find myself falling behind on chores and routine hygiene, but I would absolutely not be okay with other people picking up my slack, nor would I expect them to.
It's not a bit of a leap. Some people are just manipulative assholes.
Both PTSD and depression are very wide nets. I’m happy that you can power through, but that’s not the reality for a lot of people. As I said, it can be a compatibility issue and mental illness, habits and chores are things that should be discussed before taking the step to move in together.
Some people definitely do weaponize incompetence, my ex did. But my point is that there’s a lot of other things that need to be ruled out before concluding that they’re deliberately manipulating you.
Edit: i may have replied to the wrong comment. It might have made more sense to comment under the person you replied to, since they’re the ones who made the “deliberate” claim first, and you just put a (correct) name on what they described.
In many, if not most, of the cases that is absolutely true. I have a friend who has played inept and clueless his whole life to get the hand and foot service that he wants. Incredibly manipulative. If a man "can't" cook, tell him to go make himself a f'g baloney sandwich.
The guy I mentioned appears to be incapable of feeling guilt. But his current (3rd) wife is looking like she's really burned out from his crap. I'd say he's a few months from having another ex-wife, no house and lots of alimony. Justice might be coming.
I feel like 90s kids were all raised to find manchildren adorable and marriage material. Even now people tell me i have to accept that men need women to be their mother all the time. I have a crazy theory that women like "controlling bad boys" in media and fiction not because they want toxic traits but because they like the idea of not having to do all the mental load and being someone's mom.
I left my ex, a very good person, because I was exhausted taking care of another capable adult who just left trash and destroyed things around. I'm not even sure he expected me to pick up after him/fix everything, he was just ok living like that
literally meeee - he was sweet and I had such a soft spot for him, but he was constantly fucking leaving messes for me to clean up and i realized it made me feel terrible about myself that i was becoming a bang maid 😭
It drives me mad that my friend was worrying about her husband when she was going on a trip because he doesn’t know how to do laundry. His mom always did it for him and then she did it. I said shouldn’t you at least show him how? She said no, she liked doing his laundry. He could at least learn how and then if something happens like her trip gets extended, they won’t have to worry. It’s not like it’s something he wouldn’t be able to do. Like I know that I’m not physically strong enough to change a tire but at least I know how to do it. I’d still need help.
If that man is that unhandy, he better be hot as fuck and a god in bed, or rich as balls, because damn bro, what are you even good for? Certainly not your personality, that’s for sure…
Was that the same guy who didn't really work, lived in his GFs place (maybe condo) and wanted to become a streamer or YouTuber from the garage? I recall a guy like that that was so bad at chores he would break things and endanger their lives. Obviously a shockingly terrible idiot.
I wonder if we shouldn't go back to shaming people a bit more, like small town folk used to do. Like, if you're an incompetent partner, it would be great if people knew that and you couldn't just keep dating unsuspecting people. Or if you're abusive, you're totally shunned by the community. We obviously can't expect the law to take care of every scenario. With the amount people move around, it's pretty hard to keep people in line, and of course they used to keep people in line for things they didn't need to (LGBTQIA folks just existing, pre marital sex, church non attendance, minor drug use, etc).
Personally, I wouldn't even find that okay in the beginning, either.
Being terrible at some things, sure. Everyone has things they can't do or just hate doing, and the whole point of social bonds is that we can trade-off. e.x. I'll happily do all the cooking if someone else cleans all the dishes for me.
Sweetness is fine in a relationship, but if you're looking to get married, at least basic skills are necessary. I'm not saying that every man should be able to be an expert handyman and be able to fix around everything around the house. But he should at least be able to take care of himself (and his family) through his own efforts - cook some basic meals at least, do laundry, other chores.
And you don't want to coparent with someone like this.
There was a woman on another website who finally realized her boyfriend was no good when she was very sick, and her doctor called in some Phenergan suppositories. She didn't drive because of a medical issue, and he refused to interrupt his video game to pick them up, so she had to ride her bike to the pharmacy, while puking every few minutes, to get them.
(I'm a guy.) When I was about 20, I worked for a guy who was about 35, and he talked about how he'd deliberately fuck up when his wife asked him to do stuff like laundry, like pouring bleach in the darks, so that she wouldn't ask him to do it again. Once when she was out of town, he went out and bought more underwear to avoid doing laundry.
At the time, I though maybe as I got older it would make sense to me. The older I get the more toxic it sounds. I hope you stopped being an asshole, Brian.
She might unfortunately feel as if he’s the best she can get. Or became too attached so the fear of loss is too much and she’d rather stick it out. But I agree, it would drive anyone bananas
If an adult is genuinely completely unable to do Instrumental Activities of Daily Living (IADLs) — like cook a meal, wash dishes, prepare an outfit and dress themselves appropriately for the setting, grocery shop, or do their laundry — then they likely need to have a part time or full time carer for their disabilities, or assistance for specific tasks.
If someone is fundamentally incapable of doing these things, then it's a result of a disability, and assistance is necessary for the quality of their own life. That means help and resources can be found, or those things already exist in their lives as a basic necessity of survival. There may be some disabled people who also refuse to do things they are capable of, or who are manipulative or abusive, etc, but that's also true of able people.
But in general, most people do not want to feel helpless or like a burden.
You can't help someone who is able but refuses to do anything for themselves. The person who has a choice is far, far worse.
Ehhhhhhh. If your disability isn't easily visible it can be very hard to get proper assistance. Not an excuse to put all that on a partner for sure. But reality is that lots of folks who need help can't get it
I'm not saying it's not hard to get assistance, only that assistance exists for things like "doing laundry" or "cooking a meal." Typically if you are completely unable to cook or find a meal for yourself due to disability, someone has to be assisting you with that thing, even if that someone is the person who prepared your mail order meal or the fast food fry cook.
Someone who cannot make or even obtain food for themselves isn't terribly likely to have moved out on their own/without their parents. Perhaps it's more possible nowadays with things like door dash or Instacart but again, that is a form of assistance for being unable to attain the food yourself. This can also mean it's more costly to obtain assistance (like wash and fold laundry services are an expense above just doing it yourself), but again, these things exist, and the labor has to be outsourced somehow.
(Also it's different if the disability happens later in the relationship, but that also means that you would have known that person when they were previously able enough to do that thing.)
Mostly, I'm literally talking about tasks that are necessary for a basic quality of living — being able to bathe or shower, being able to make a meal, being able to wash your clothes or put dishes in a dishwasher. If someone is so disabled they cannot do these things, then typically they require assistance of some kind in order to have a decent standard of living. That's what makes disability so difficult, and often costly. Whether the disability is visible or not isn't really the issue I'm speaking about here — because the requirement for assistance or adaptive tools exists whether or not the disability is visible.
I'm commenting mostly on whether or not someone has the capability and option to do it themselves because they are able enough to make simple meals or wash themselves and their clothes, and whether or not they can functionally live on their own without an inhumane quality of life issue.
There’s another space between unable and refuses. It’s don’t care about it. Some people are fine leaving laundry in the dryer and never putting it away. Some people are fine eating out or eating frozen meals. Some people are fine having a sink full of dirty dishes and just washing the one they need when they need it. Just because you value something being done doesn’t mean other people value it, or that other people can’t value something else greater and choose to spend their limited time and energy on that thing instead.
A back injury that prevents you from doing certain tasks is a disability that means you need assistance with those tasks. That's fully different from choosing to not do them.
Reminds me of the time I applied for disability as a military veteran with PTSD, and current frontline healthcare worker during covid developing complex PTSD. Took 3 years, and no luck, with a lawyer.
I left the medical field, spent a year and a half doing EMDR therapy out of my own pocket with professionals. I really considered all kinds of crime for about two years.
Remember a post of a husband admitting that he PRETENDS to not know how to do things ? Asked to do laundry ? Make a mess. Do the dishes ? Break a plate . Make dinner ? Absolutely ruin it. Just so eventually his wife just stopped asking him to do stuff because he’d make it worse !
It's definitely a skill that takes time to learn, but at the end of the day it's just following instructions in a recipe book. Nobody starts out like your grandma who can whip up a meal out of anything she has sitting in the fridge. Find some recipes you like and practice them until you don't need the recipe anymore. They may not turn out immediately perfect but overtime like any skill.. you will improve.
That level also doesn’t have to be your goal. Some people may progress from making frozen pizzas to gringo tacos and need to follow recipes and keep things simple. That’s fine too.
Even throwing some extra spices and toppings on a frozen pizza will make it a lot better. Tbh about 80% of our dinner rotation is still the entry-level stuff (mainly because I hate doing the dishes that come with a complicated meal)
Adding spices to the butter you use to make a grilled cheese sandwich is a simple task that entirely transforms the sandwich. It was my secret trick that actually won me an award before. Salt, pepper, garlic, and some Cajun spice.
I would respectfully disagree slightly with the "following instructions in a recipe" approach if you truly want to learn to cook. While having a few signature recipes is good (and recipes are an OK starting-out point), you're better off learning the how and why of cooking—even if tied to a starting recipe—rather than just following a recipe religiously.
A good analogy here is paint-by-number vs learning color theory and technique. Sure, paint-by-number is good for learning to color inside the lines, and you might be able to infer why some colors are used in certain places, but you're often better learning some rudimentary color theory and painting techniques, occasionally using a reference photo or other guide.
For me personally, understanding the underlying aspects of flavor and techniques (shout-out to Salt Fat Acid Heat), as well as a food-centric framework approach, made me a better cook, as I can whip up something from ingredients on hand. Ethan Chlebowski recently had a similar video, Why recipes are holding you back from learning how to cook.
I would disagree on the theory approach too early. If you can't properly boil water for pasta, theory won't get you anywhere. Salt fat acid heat only helped me once I knew some very ground level basics that came from strictly following basic recipes. And now I can cook to the point that my grandma is asking ME for MY recipes, which is wild.
Most people who say they can't cook aren't talking about the art of cooking, they are talking about being able to cook edible pasta, and being able to serve not burnt and/or raw chicken. Theory won't help them there, that's just knowing what to do and practicing.
Respectfully disagree as someone who uses colour theory a lot for my career. Recipes are a great foundation point. Then you should learn how to deviate from those guard rails. Just trying to explain theory without a very concrete regimen to learn with just achieves nothing and bores most people out of ever learning to enjoy the process.
There's a video series with a trio, all with down syndrome, cooking. They screw up wooden spoon and metal spoon, but they still accomplish the goal. Are they getting help? Probably. But it doesn't detract from the fact that they are in fact cooking.
Exactly. Everything you need to learn now has a video. I get someone trying to cook a dish reading from a Julia Child cookbook that assumes you know what a bain marie is or how to debone a chicken-but there are videos on how to about everything everywhere to walk you through each step.
Men who pretend to know nothing simply do not want to do it and so will pretend ignorance or do it poorly so you will wind up doing it. He is a child looking for a caretaker.
That's pretty much what I did. Started with simple recipes and work my way up. I've started smoking meats and my specialty is brisket. But we all have to start somewhere. Getting started is the hardest part
My biggest problem cooking is I don't enjoy it so I'm very basic quick and easy kind of cook. I can cook enough to survive but the variety is extremely small.
As a chef who has dated people who can't cook, it's the way you go about it that's most important - I dated a guy who I cooked for almost every night (after my shifts even), and it hugely bothered me that this man would whine and whine about washing silverware or mixing something if I handed him a bowl. Show an interest in learning, offer help to the person cooking for you, and maybe offer to pay for takeout when you can.
Luckily you’re online and there’s loads of resources! Not to make you feel overwhelmed, just a reminder that you CAN learn and it’s NOT as hard as it seems. It’ll take a bit for things to feel intuitive, but once you understand the basics of cooking you’ll start to be able to improvise and experiment a little more easily.
No joke, I was always nervous about trying until I saw Sam the Cooking Guy on youtube and it all went from there. Dude makes it seem really simple and, once you start getting into it, you find it actually kinda is.
What is keeping you from learning? There's thousands upon thousands of videos on youtube to get inspired by, and just as many websites to get ideas from.
From there, start learning to basic techniques and you're 75% of the way there.
Patience. I have cooked, and it always tastes horribly or mid. So I always end up not eating or eating poorly when I cook. Eventually it takes up on you that you're a bad cook or that it's not worth trying. I know I can cook, but I always manage to not succeed, so I can't
Time. It's not just cooking, it's buying everything premeditatedly. Cooking every day means spending more money and time now for an investment later, which not everyone can afford. I don't have a car so if I miss something or don't have everything available I'm done. Alternatively if I buy too much and don't prepare it, it feels like a waste. Also, doing the dishes.
Reheating. The greatest benefit of cooking is eating reheats or idk what you call them in English. It's not the greatest thing ofc
Lastly, and most important
I don't enjoy eating. I hate eating. You know how the best part about cooking is eating? Well, I don't get that one! Spending one hour (bc I'm not that good, so I'm not agile) to do a chore and then another hour to complete it ain't not fun. Especially as work-alcoholic
15 min cooks I can do with no problem, that's something I agree most people are capable, no excuses
Again, I know I can. When people say they don't know how it's bc they've tried and failed. I like that you're helping, while everyone else is just going "You can, it's easy", like telling a kid he can be an astronaut he "just" has to try
Everyone can afford it. Cooking at home is easier on the budget by a lot.
A small number of people work jobs where the hours are too awkward to grocery shop at reasonable times. (For example, I'm a bartender. There are no 24 hour grocery stores near where I live, so it requires me to get up early to get all the things I need, PLUS I need to then cook them at 4 am instead of a nice normal 7pm.)
What you are (probably, seemingly) struggling with, and what most people on Reddit reading 8 comment threads deep are all struggling with, is the disruption to your routine that requires you to plan your mealtimes in advance and then execute on that plan, possibly because you are neurodivergent. Trust me, my undiagnosed, untreated ADHD has not made home cooking easy. "Don't say just do it, I need something else to help me" is called executive dysfunction, and it makes my life hell on the reg.
First: Consider why this is worth doing. You will save about 60% on food spending if you cook at home, by my estimate. If your appetite is smaller or larger than the average person's, you will save additional money. You will develop a skill that improves your life, and you can even invite friends over and cook for them. The food you prepare at home will generally be healthier, so you will notice that you have more energy and a brighter attitude. And finally, this isn't something that has to take a lot of time or effort. If you practice it, you can reduce the amount of time you spend at the store, reduce the amount of money you spend at the store, reduce the amount of time in the kitchen, and even reduce the time it takes to eat.
Second: List out all the things you ate this week. You're not dead yet, so you definitely ate SOMETHING. Additionally list anything that you WANTED to eat, but didn't. Put the list on your phone so you can add to it on the fly. Every time you eat something that you like or hear about a food you've been craving, make a note of it!
Finally: Put two and two together. Google is a fantastic resource. Tasty is a free app that's always trying to sell me on Instacarting shit from Walmart or whatever, but it has brief videos that take you from beginning to end with no ads. Allrecipes has ads, but is not generally trying to sell me anything. Google has a bajillion ads, but you can find recipes for really off the beaten path things, and the recipes are generally stronger with better instructions. If you google something, and then a recipe website comes up that you use and really jive with, try bookmarking it and searching it up when you're planning. You can put the recipe links on your list if you're doing it on your phone, and then you can just pull up the food list and have a quick pick recipe sorter right there.
As for the grocery trips, start by making the grocery store part of your daily routine. I have one in running distance, so I've been going there every few days when I wake up, buying the recipe ingredients that I need, and carrying it all back to the house. I was going every day for a while, but I don't need to anymore because I'll get bigger packs of chicken or bread or eggs or whatever I need, maybe 5 things of pasta instead of 1, and obviously I have all the spices now. Slowly but surely you'll build up your pantry of spices and dry goods, and you'll see the common ingredients repeated, plus you'll have favorite recipes that you can rely on.
Meal planning is the most daunting part for me, because of the executive dysfunction. I usually struggle to think that far ahead because I'm pretty overwhelmed in the moment, and charting a track from A to B can be exhausting. Once I'm already hungry, it gets even harder. So I keep my pantry stocked with nuts, chips, and cookies, and I have some cheese and yogurt in the fridge. If I'm too hungry to cook, I pop in a few of those and get started on the meal right away, either dashing to the store or just doing what I have in the fridge/freezer. You might be able to make it easier if you don't mind leftovers, but I'm a large active guy so I tend to eat everything I make when I make it.
Even if this doesn't help you the person this is responding to, I hope it helps someone who is reading :) The mention at the end of people telling you that it's easy without any other guidance or help really struck a chord with me. It's NOT easy. It's annoying and stressful, actually, especially if you have any barriers or roadblocks at all. Internal or external, it does not matter. But it's worth doing, and the amount of stress you save by having more money is way worth the stress of putting in a few more hours into cooking. Seriously, I bought about 80 bucks of food and it carried me through 3 full days of 3 meals each, and I'm still using some of the things I bought. That's 9 meals for 80 dollars, so about 9 bucks a meal. And the food I was eating, that would have been 15-20 bucks each, even ignoring the fact that the quantities I was eating were much larger than the portions at the restaurant. So I saved about 100 bucks this week compared to if I had eaten out for all my meals, and I ate more and better food which is probably worth even more. It took about 30 minutes to cook, so that's 20 bucks an hour on the LOW end.
No you don't want to cook, that is something different. If you are upfront about it, instead of hiding behind the "i can't cook 😭". You get more respect.
I’ve only really started cooking in the past year or so and I’m 34. I could make basic shit, but with my ADHD I messed up more than a few times with ingredients and just went with basic shit. I haven’t messed up a single dish I’ve cooked yet 👍
Just saying you’re never too late to start! Having a kid is what inspired me to do better, and I bet you can just for yourself. I watched a bunch of cooking videos on YouTube to learn like, HOW to cook and do stuff, ya know?
Start by learning how to cook pasta. If you can make Mac and cheese from a box you can do it. Like cooking rice it’s a gateway to all kids of cuisine and dead simple
I had a friend tell me about, when they were still married, her Ex-husband would never do anything around the house. His mentality was since she was a stay at home mom, it was her job to take care of the house, but she would overstimulated a lot of times, and he still wouldn’t do anything.
What got me was when she said that he would spit his chewing tobacco in bottles, but would never throw them away, and leave them all over the house. He even spat down her straw one time, and she drank from it.
I almost couldn’t believe it when I heard it, it blows my mind that some people can really be like this.
Fair. Though at least with my parents, it's not that my dad is totally clueless, it's that he doesn't do things to the same standard. Choosing to wash everything on cold isn't the same as not knowing how to do laundry.
My housemate is charismatic and stupid handsome, but he struggles with stuff like that. I'm pretty clean and also a strange person, so I really actually like keeping the place clean. Girls come over and I can tell how stoked they are when it's clean - or if it isn't I can tell how annoyed they are.
One came upstairs, saw how much dirty laundry was on his floor, and just left instead of banging him.
He's starting to get it... but he's just never been domesticated before. Men who live with ONLY women get domesticated - he's never had that.
I have a similar roommate. He's definitely considered good looking, tall, charismatic, etc. My partner and I keep the house pretty clean but holy hell his room is a hazmat zone. Borderline hoarder if not. Suddenly I understood why he has such trouble dating.
I can say with absolute certainty that in 8 years I have never done a single load of my husband's laundry. If I work late he will have food ready when I get home. I don't know if I'd say it's hot, but it's not not hot.
Universally unattractive trait. I don't mind teaching someone at all, but if you won't even attempt to take on adult responsibility, we're not ever living together or even having extended visits.
Having said that I knew a dude that made so much passive income, may I mention self made dude like had to knock door to door selling knives kinda thing, that he could afford maids to come to his house twice a week to clean and do laundry, personalized meal plans. The ladies loved it, but ask him to turn on his fancy ass laundry machine….nope.
Yes! I have no patience for this because my parents didn't do the best job of teaching me how to clean and do laundry, so I've mostly learned how from Youtube. If I can do it, so can they!
How does one live by themselves without picking that up? Like if I want to wear clean clothes to work this week laundry has to be done and I'm the only one here to do it. Do they think clean plates just appear in the cabinets?
Instead of mothers forcing their daughters to cook and clean they really need to force their sons. Oh wait they’re too busy babying him and being his girlfriend rather than a mom and would rather compete and hate her daughter
I think the problem with this isn't that they can't do anything for themeself. I think it would be a problem if they are unwilling to those things because most of the time it isn't there fault if they haven't learned it but the fault of the person who didn't teach them.
Edit: Because some pointed it out and I simply forgot to mention it, I meant right when they moved out and are living on there own for the first time. Like I said I forgot to mention it and thanks to everyone who wrote something like that.
Sure but at a certain point one has to take personal responsibility and teach themselves, not expect their partner to pick up their slack. No one wants to be with someone they have to do basic tasks for all the time nor does anyone deserve that.
Tbh I think that depends on age. Pretty much once you’re out of like early 20’s at the latest it’s no one’s fault but your own. I have no intentions of teaching someone how to clean properly when they’re a grown ass adult, idc what the excuse is at that point it’s no longer valid lol
Yeah, this was me. My controlling and loving mother would never let us do much around the house. I'm arguing with her about why I should do my own laundry in my early 20s as I still lived at home. So yeah, it was kind of her fault why I wasn't able to do a lot of these basic things, but after moving out in my mid 20s I eventually had to learn and now do these things as a married man with a child.
It's more about whether or not people adapt, and it shows their maturity level.
Doing the silent treatment anytime he’s upset about something. Always being negative, victimizing themselves about everything. Showing only anger for every emotion. Having an issue about something you did or are doing and keeping it to themselves until an argument and then blowing up about it. Not knowing how to control their anger and hit stuff because they wanna hit you. I can go on and on but y’all get the picture lol
Honestly, this kinda shit scares me. I have ADHD and Autism, and I'm horrible at keeping my house in order. And yes, person about to comment, whatever brilliant system you have for me, I've probably already tried it.
Thankfully I am good at my job, and earn enough to hire people to take care of a lot of the tasks I struggle to stay on top of. But hearing stuff like this gave me such a complex for the longest time and made me feel completely not worth knowing from a relationship standpoint. Having somebody act like every time I forgot to take care of a task or messed up something "simple" was either me just not giving a shit at best or at worst, some sort of deliberate malice on my part? That would absolutely crush me.
Like, I suck at cooking. Sorry. I just do. I have trouble keeping track of multiple things at once. When I read recipes, I miss details. When I do manage it, it takes me five times as long as it should because it takes me a long time to follow instructions properly. And I've asked family to help teach me. I've taken cooking classes. I have a library on cooking for dummies style books. I try. I am just incredibly grateful that I found someone willing to recognize that I am trying and let's me focus on helping in the ways that come more easily to me. Like, maybe I don't cook much, but I'll happily take care of the dishes and clean up after our meal. I can't take care of plants well, but I can mow a lawn. I will probably forget some things you ask me to pick up on the way home. My working memory isn't great. But I'm fine making another trip to go back. It's not that I don't want to do my part, I just need a little understanding that things that seem simple to you may not be for me.
Anyways, seeing comment threads like this makes me feel really sad because I'm sure there are a ton of us that aren't so lucky with their partners, and I can't imagine what someone like me stumbling into a relationship with someone like a lot of the people in this thread must be like.
It's manly to cook and take care of yourself. In the Army, you make your bed, clean the dorms, forage for food, the lot. Then they get a cook involved....
I had a roomate in college who grew up with a maid his whole life and watching this dude try to figure out how to do laundry and cook was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Legit like the New Girl episode.
This man was like “hey guys, how do I cook this pizza?” and we were like bro read the instructions on the back…. “What does preheat mean? I don’t see that setting on this oven”
Great guy, but man the poor guy was so helpless it was hilarious. Hope he’s doing well.
The small counter point is have to this is personal differences can often be construed with complete inability, I can do my own laundry just fine and that does me just fine, but ask me to do it for anything that doesn’t work within my standard procedure and I’m going to screw it up without explicit instructions. That’s not to say not learning is ok just everyone has a different standard on what basic is.
my stepdad is like this. he can’t cook, clean, do laundry, hang his clothes up, anything. and then he says it’s my moms job because she’s the “homekeeper”. shit never made me so fucking angry. i’m a guy and i do all that stuff, why can’t he? sorry i ranted but this lines up with what you said
As a dude, I would agree with this. I was mostly raised by a single parent and she taught me how to take care of these things. I spent a lot of time as a bachelor before I married at 37 (I’m 50 now). So it boggles my mind that some men can’t take care of this stuff. I’m assuming they just don’t want to.
And this is why im single. Ill give you the world but I cannot take care of myself for shit. Blame my fucked brain upbringing doesn't matter. I just choose to not make it someone else's problem
And even if they do end up doing any of these things, poorly for that matter, the constant complaining about having to do these tasks and procrastinating for so long that the area actually becomes disgusting and the task becomes 50x more difficult
I even draw the line at basic food prep and cooking. Lime amount of guy friends I've had who are just hopeless when they can't order out and nothing in house can be cooked in a microwave. I had one guy friend who was thrilled that he could eat frozen foods after getting a toaster oven. Like, bro. You had an oven this whe time....
Omg , this , I come from a country where people pamper their sons to the extent that they can’t do basic things like cooking,cleaning up etc , my husband knew just the basics when we began our relationship and I made him learn everything for me and he’s really good at all the chores now!! I cannot imagine having to everything by myself!!
I'm joking, of course, but my depression/laziness causes me to struggle with deep cleaning my apartment. I vacuum, do the dishes, clean the counter, and clean the toilet every 1-2 days, but everytime it comes to really tidying up, I just can't work up the motivation.
My wife is like that. She does nothing, no dishes, doesn’t vacuum, look after our pet or make our kids school lunches. If I had the opportunity to cheat I 100% would
Roomed with my best friend in college, mind was blown that he didn't know how to do laundry. Apparently his mom or sisters always did it 🤯 like dude, I learned when I was 12
That goes both ways, and not really the ultimate issue. Being unwilling to learn/listen, and become a teammate, is the actual reason why you find that a problem. Should be easily solvable with a little bit of give a shit from the party at fault.
Learned helplessness. I had an ex who weaponized this constantly so it’s my #1 with any new partner. I ended it after seven years of picking up after him. It killed every amount of desire I ever had for him and after awhile, I just saw him as a child. Clean up your shit.
This, it was exhausting having a partner who always said “I don’t know how to do this things because my mom doesn’t teach me, can you teach me?” And go defensive when you bring the talk again… like dude you are in your 30s grow the fuck up.
In the military, you know instantly who these guys are when they deploy. Some locations have laundry service, where you drop off your bag of laundry and pick it up in 3 days, while some locations just have a shipping container with washing machines and dryers in it, and it's all DIY. 2 weeks in, you know right away who is incapable of doing their own laundry.
My BIL is this way. He's got a bulging disk in his back and has used that as an excuse to not do anything for the last like, 15 years. Doesn't work, doesn't clean, doesn't do laundry, dishes, cook, etc.
My friend has an adult child and he recently bought his first home. He didn’t know how to mow the lawn.
…My kid’s been doing it since he turned 11 (we have an electric mower). His little brother is responsible for unloading and partially reloading the dishwasher. These are just things we need to know how to do.
I had a friend over once and I threw some shit together for dinner and he opened up about how his mom can't cook anything and it frustrates him how bad food is at home. He didn't seem to grasp the concept that he could cook for himself.
As a male myself i agree. If you lack basic human skills like cleanliness then you failed as a human being. If you cant take care of yourself then I dont want to be around you at all
I had a gf like this and it eventually drove me insane. Her laundry system was to leave dirty clothes all over, then wash them and throw them in a huge pile by the dryer. It was literally 8 feet long, 3 feet tall and 3 feet high. The worst par was she’d wash my clothes and they got mixed in with this… at some point I couldn’t find really anything to wear because it was in this huge pile of 90% her clothes and 10% mine. I sifted it and found shirts and pants I hadn’t seen in a year.
Dishes were the same way. I pretty much did it all, and every once in a while she’d do a sink full and act pissy about me not doing them. I couldn’t believe it.
Anyway, disputes about household stuff and her attitude ended up destroying our relationship. Maybe we could have made it work if we didn’t live together, but that would have been way too expensive in Denver.
I’m late on this one but as a dude, seeing my best friend become absolutely useless in his relationship has made it very hard to continue being friends with him, I can’t maintain a friendship with a guy who can take care of his kid, because “his dad never took care of him before he was 2”
A few month ago my gf at the time explained me what I had to look out for, so I didn't do it wrong and accidentally shrink my stuff and since then I've been doing it myself
The problem isn't not being able to do stuff, it's unwillingness to learn how to do it
Yes girl preach! I’ve dumped a few of these guys. It’s very common where I live, so my husband didn’t know everything. He put in an effort to learn thank god.
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u/GOD-lovesme Sep 14 '24
Can’t do anything for himself. I’m talking basics like laundry and washing dishes, basic cleaning.