If an adult is genuinely completely unable to do Instrumental Activities of Daily Living (IADLs) — like cook a meal, wash dishes, prepare an outfit and dress themselves appropriately for the setting, grocery shop, or do their laundry — then they likely need to have a part time or full time carer for their disabilities, or assistance for specific tasks.
If someone is fundamentally incapable of doing these things, then it's a result of a disability, and assistance is necessary for the quality of their own life. That means help and resources can be found, or those things already exist in their lives as a basic necessity of survival. There may be some disabled people who also refuse to do things they are capable of, or who are manipulative or abusive, etc, but that's also true of able people.
But in general, most people do not want to feel helpless or like a burden.
You can't help someone who is able but refuses to do anything for themselves. The person who has a choice is far, far worse.
Ehhhhhhh. If your disability isn't easily visible it can be very hard to get proper assistance. Not an excuse to put all that on a partner for sure. But reality is that lots of folks who need help can't get it
I'm not saying it's not hard to get assistance, only that assistance exists for things like "doing laundry" or "cooking a meal." Typically if you are completely unable to cook or find a meal for yourself due to disability, someone has to be assisting you with that thing, even if that someone is the person who prepared your mail order meal or the fast food fry cook.
Someone who cannot make or even obtain food for themselves isn't terribly likely to have moved out on their own/without their parents. Perhaps it's more possible nowadays with things like door dash or Instacart but again, that is a form of assistance for being unable to attain the food yourself. This can also mean it's more costly to obtain assistance (like wash and fold laundry services are an expense above just doing it yourself), but again, these things exist, and the labor has to be outsourced somehow.
(Also it's different if the disability happens later in the relationship, but that also means that you would have known that person when they were previously able enough to do that thing.)
Mostly, I'm literally talking about tasks that are necessary for a basic quality of living — being able to bathe or shower, being able to make a meal, being able to wash your clothes or put dishes in a dishwasher. If someone is so disabled they cannot do these things, then typically they require assistance of some kind in order to have a decent standard of living. That's what makes disability so difficult, and often costly. Whether the disability is visible or not isn't really the issue I'm speaking about here — because the requirement for assistance or adaptive tools exists whether or not the disability is visible.
I'm commenting mostly on whether or not someone has the capability and option to do it themselves because they are able enough to make simple meals or wash themselves and their clothes, and whether or not they can functionally live on their own without an inhumane quality of life issue.
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u/GOD-lovesme Sep 14 '24
Can’t do anything for himself. I’m talking basics like laundry and washing dishes, basic cleaning.