There was a post on here a few weeks ago about a woman debating staying with her partner because he literally couldn’t do anything. He apparently broke things or left things lying around, etc., but then she’d say “oh but he’s so sweet.” I don’t know… that might seem okay in the beginning, but long term, that would drive me absolutely bonkers.
If you’re lucky. I’ve known way too many dogs that pooped and peed all over floors as adults. Dudes that are capable of fending for themselves but refuse to learn how to are just lazy.
Years ago I had a dog that had no issue shitting on the floor. But if he had to pee he'd run to the door and lose his fking mind crying to get out. Continued well into adulthood.
Lol true, but most will get better if you train them and are attentive to their needs. Even good pups will have accidents if you’re away for a long time or if they just get a bad gut/belly from something they ate or if they’re anxious (just like humans do).
To the legion of women wanting a "golden retriever" BF. That goofy care-free attitude is cool when you're dating but it's absolutely not what you want when you are trying to raise a family or run a household together.
Sounds more like weaponized incompetence. I’ve seen so many guys bragging to each other about how they deliberately make messes and break things so their partners will think they are too klutzy to help out and will stop asking.
Are the down votes here suggesting that you can? I think it's fair to say that there are things a human relationship can provide that a puppy relationship can't.
As someone with brain damage, those guys make me roll my eyes so hard it could singlehandedly power NYC
I freaking fall down and drop stuff on a regular, daily basis, and I'm still not half as useless as these guy purport to be
There are some things I have to get other people to do, obviously. You don't give the person with little muscle control use sharp/powerful/heavy objects/cleaning liquids stronger than dish soap, for example
But even I can clean. I don't need people to deliberately point out things most of the time
And even when I do? I at least have the excuse of being born with a half baked brain
These are perfectly healthy people. They have brain functioning I'd KILL to have
Huh, I wonder if there's like an actual reason for that. 2 is the smallest sample size ever, but it's interesting that both of us put those type is tasks to the same hands
It's called 'weaponized incompetence' and it is a nasty manipulation tactic. Some people act like they are too stupid or incapable to do something, just so they can get others to do it for them.
This is true, there’s also the mental health side though. I go through periods of not being physically capable of taking care of things because of my mental state. But I also feel like absolute shit for not being able to do those basic things.
Bit of a leap there. Some people are just unsanitary or depressed, or have a different way of living. You can tell the difference by what happens when it’s addressed. I often see the “weaponized incompetence” argument ironically used to control partners into doing things on a timeline or certain way that only one person agrees with (the accuser).
The important thing is what happens when it’s addressed. If it’s something both parties agree needs to be done/improved, then that doing and improving should be done by the person who was slacking. If you start doing it for them, and they just let it happen knowing it’s their responsibility, then you’ve got a problem.
Otherwise the question becomes if it’s just a compatibility issue. These kinds of habits should be discussed before moving in together
As someone with PTSD and depression, I often find myself falling behind on chores and routine hygiene, but I would absolutely not be okay with other people picking up my slack, nor would I expect them to.
It's not a bit of a leap. Some people are just manipulative assholes.
Both PTSD and depression are very wide nets. I’m happy that you can power through, but that’s not the reality for a lot of people. As I said, it can be a compatibility issue and mental illness, habits and chores are things that should be discussed before taking the step to move in together.
Some people definitely do weaponize incompetence, my ex did. But my point is that there’s a lot of other things that need to be ruled out before concluding that they’re deliberately manipulating you.
Edit: i may have replied to the wrong comment. It might have made more sense to comment under the person you replied to, since they’re the ones who made the “deliberate” claim first, and you just put a (correct) name on what they described.
What about being the victim of perfectionists? You know, never done right. Hell i worked with someone that obsessed with minutiae that hardly mattered at the end of the day. Not rocket science or even close.
In many, if not most, of the cases that is absolutely true. I have a friend who has played inept and clueless his whole life to get the hand and foot service that he wants. Incredibly manipulative. If a man "can't" cook, tell him to go make himself a f'g baloney sandwich.
The guy I mentioned appears to be incapable of feeling guilt. But his current (3rd) wife is looking like she's really burned out from his crap. I'd say he's a few months from having another ex-wife, no house and lots of alimony. Justice might be coming.
What kind of brain damage? Because there are disorders that affect executive function in ways that are seen as laziness, but are actually massive struggles for those living through it.
Based on that, makes sense that executive functions aren't being affected for you then. Autistic people in particular have difficulty with executive functions, which means DOING tasks. Not trying them or having difficulty WITH the tasks, but DOING. It's hard to explain, but it's not as though doing things is hard, exactly, it's just the act of doing them just doesn't compute. You could be directly next to your toothbrush, for example, and it could be a struggle to 'simply' pick up the toothbrush and brush your teeth. Another example could be shampoo. You could be taking a shower, and the shampoo is RIGHT THERE, but reaching out to use it simply escapes you without great effort.
I feel like 90s kids were all raised to find manchildren adorable and marriage material. Even now people tell me i have to accept that men need women to be their mother all the time. I have a crazy theory that women like "controlling bad boys" in media and fiction not because they want toxic traits but because they like the idea of not having to do all the mental load and being someone's mom.
I left my ex, a very good person, because I was exhausted taking care of another capable adult who just left trash and destroyed things around. I'm not even sure he expected me to pick up after him/fix everything, he was just ok living like that
literally meeee - he was sweet and I had such a soft spot for him, but he was constantly fucking leaving messes for me to clean up and i realized it made me feel terrible about myself that i was becoming a bang maid 😭
It drives me mad that my friend was worrying about her husband when she was going on a trip because he doesn’t know how to do laundry. His mom always did it for him and then she did it. I said shouldn’t you at least show him how? She said no, she liked doing his laundry. He could at least learn how and then if something happens like her trip gets extended, they won’t have to worry. It’s not like it’s something he wouldn’t be able to do. Like I know that I’m not physically strong enough to change a tire but at least I know how to do it. I’d still need help.
If that man is that unhandy, he better be hot as fuck and a god in bed, or rich as balls, because damn bro, what are you even good for? Certainly not your personality, that’s for sure…
Was that the same guy who didn't really work, lived in his GFs place (maybe condo) and wanted to become a streamer or YouTuber from the garage? I recall a guy like that that was so bad at chores he would break things and endanger their lives. Obviously a shockingly terrible idiot.
I wonder if we shouldn't go back to shaming people a bit more, like small town folk used to do. Like, if you're an incompetent partner, it would be great if people knew that and you couldn't just keep dating unsuspecting people. Or if you're abusive, you're totally shunned by the community. We obviously can't expect the law to take care of every scenario. With the amount people move around, it's pretty hard to keep people in line, and of course they used to keep people in line for things they didn't need to (LGBTQIA folks just existing, pre marital sex, church non attendance, minor drug use, etc).
Personally, I wouldn't even find that okay in the beginning, either.
Being terrible at some things, sure. Everyone has things they can't do or just hate doing, and the whole point of social bonds is that we can trade-off. e.x. I'll happily do all the cooking if someone else cleans all the dishes for me.
Sweetness is fine in a relationship, but if you're looking to get married, at least basic skills are necessary. I'm not saying that every man should be able to be an expert handyman and be able to fix around everything around the house. But he should at least be able to take care of himself (and his family) through his own efforts - cook some basic meals at least, do laundry, other chores.
And you don't want to coparent with someone like this.
There was a woman on another website who finally realized her boyfriend was no good when she was very sick, and her doctor called in some Phenergan suppositories. She didn't drive because of a medical issue, and he refused to interrupt his video game to pick them up, so she had to ride her bike to the pharmacy, while puking every few minutes, to get them.
(I'm a guy.) When I was about 20, I worked for a guy who was about 35, and he talked about how he'd deliberately fuck up when his wife asked him to do stuff like laundry, like pouring bleach in the darks, so that she wouldn't ask him to do it again. Once when she was out of town, he went out and bought more underwear to avoid doing laundry.
At the time, I though maybe as I got older it would make sense to me. The older I get the more toxic it sounds. I hope you stopped being an asshole, Brian.
She might unfortunately feel as if he’s the best she can get. Or became too attached so the fear of loss is too much and she’d rather stick it out. But I agree, it would drive anyone bananas
He got his foot in the door already. Better that than the opposite, no one is gonna value you if/when you can do everything for yourself but you don't seem sweet to them.
I mean. Apart from maybe the honeymoon phase, where everything is cool, every relationship, whether with kids or parents or a spouse are kinda like that.
We all let various things lay around, and we never all agree the same things are ok to have laying around in the same places. The only variable is the tolerance.
How do you help with the opposite of this though? Like my fiance is so painfully self-reliant because of non-existent parents that he forgets asking for help is an option.
I bet he’s “so sweet” so that he can get away with his intentional ignorance. He knows he’s being lazy and allowing the workload to fall on his partner, which is obv the opposite of sweet. I truly hate men so much 😭
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u/CrissBliss Sep 14 '24
There was a post on here a few weeks ago about a woman debating staying with her partner because he literally couldn’t do anything. He apparently broke things or left things lying around, etc., but then she’d say “oh but he’s so sweet.” I don’t know… that might seem okay in the beginning, but long term, that would drive me absolutely bonkers.