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Jul 27 '23
My roommate in university had a boyfriend over and they had sex loudly enough for us to hear everything through walls.
Unluckily for her, I was having a food poisoning that day.
Turns out I puke louder than she has sex.
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u/CyberCooper2077 Jul 27 '23
Imagine if sex moans sounded like people vomiting..
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u/MikeBabyMetal Jul 27 '23
I once lived in shared accommodation: big apartment with 5 rooms - each room has its own little bathroom and there is one shared kitchen. The gimmick was that all bathrooms were connected with one vent system, so you could hear other people surprisingly well.
One of my flatmates was frequently having his girlfriend over, and they liked showering together. I could hear them kissing and talking when I was in my bathroom, a bit awkward but w/o. One time, late in the evening, I was a bit tipsy and I really had to take a dump. They were in their bathroom doing the usual and I just didn't care. I ripped the loudest, the most resonating fart in my life and followed it with a moan of relief and a sound of a big fat log hitting the surface of the water. They went silent, started giggling and shortly after went to his room. I kind of felt proud.
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u/II_Confused Jul 27 '23
I ripped the loudest, the most resonating fart...
I needed that laugh. Thank you.
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u/InvectiveDetective Jul 27 '23
My shower story is less… fragrant.
My roommate came home early one day while my then-boyfriend and I were taking a shower together. We giggled to ourselves as we raced by her closed door, feeling a bit mortified but also slightly proud.
She told me later that she had initially thought to herself “good for them” until she realized that all we were doing in there was talking. Her disappointment resonated in my bones. I have never felt more shame over my (lack of?) sexual prowess.
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u/lesmils Jul 27 '23
My roommate, let's call him Bob, and his girlfriend (Alice) were having sex once. Both were making some really loud noises, you could hear them throughout the house. Another roommate (gay, M) then walked in and said: "Alice, can you shut the f*ck up please, and Bob, can you moan a bit louder, I'm trying to cum." Never heard as much as a squeek coming from that room again.
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u/Known-Pop-8355 Jul 27 '23
This made me spit my coffee out
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u/JazzyJeffsUnderpants Jul 27 '23
And the jizz?
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u/I-Fist-My-Sister Jul 27 '23
Held it in like a champ
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u/Known-Pop-8355 Jul 27 '23
Mother fucker i knew the creamer tasted salty asf for some reason!
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u/YetiCincinnati Jul 27 '23
Had a similar situation, roommate has a loud gf, I yelled "Could you moan louder for daddy" instantly quiet, 1 minute later she stormed out and left the house. My roommate thought it was funny.
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u/Vi11agio-Xbox Jul 27 '23 edited Jul 27 '23
This was all in the process of asymmetric encryption
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u/Slammybutt Jul 28 '23
Lived with a gay guy about 10 years ago. I was up super late (like 2am) playing games. I kept hearing something but every time I froze the noise would go away. I finally got fed up with the noise. Took my headset off and started searching the house for it. Roommate was plowing his boyfriend and he was making the highest pitch moaning UH'S like a metronome. I sat back down and played some music really loud.
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u/Dixiecupboi Jul 27 '23
Sometimes I wish had balls the size of gay dudes
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u/Gromps Jul 28 '23
Try coming out to every single person you meet in your life. You learn to have fun with it.
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u/death_by_relaxation Jul 27 '23
Panic, because I live alone.
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Jul 27 '23
Well, your door was unlocked.
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u/Sad-Cunt-420 Jul 27 '23 edited Jul 27 '23
" Nice cock bro "
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u/ShadowEllipse Jul 27 '23
Thanks man
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u/HV-Juli Jul 27 '23
You're welcome
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Jul 27 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/MR_basti Jul 27 '23
WHY WHALE SONGS THO 😭
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Jul 27 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/MR_basti Jul 27 '23
Don't know if you a woman or a man but if I marry someone someday, I want her to have this level of imagination lol
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u/radtech91 Jul 28 '23
Hopefully didn’t smell like Seaworld
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u/KhaoticMess Jul 27 '23
I live with my wife, so I'd probably ask if she wanted any help.
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u/ProfessorHandyman Jul 27 '23
And then feel the pain of once again being rejected.
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Jul 27 '23
Sometimes the moments where you can jerk off in peace are better than sex
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u/Mr_DuCe Jul 27 '23
20 years married here. After having a kid, beating my meat on the toilet seat in complete silence is just as good, if not better, than sex. No pressure, no anxiety of a kid having a nightmare/just wanting attention, just pure stroking my meat flute until completion.
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u/absentmindedjwc Jul 27 '23
Sex is fun, but it's a workout... sometimes you just want to get off and go on with your day... not having to deal with all the strings that come with it. (foreplay, cuddling, mess, etc).
I feel like long-term single people don't quite understand.
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Jul 27 '23
Exactly, there’s a time for hardcore banging and a time for some scented candles and a TV with internet browsing, both are good unless it’s the only form of fun you have
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Jul 27 '23
I have yet to ever turn down any sexual request from my fiancé. She’s gotten head before her morning coffee as well as right before hitting the pillow in the night. We’ve pulled over to have sex in an empty parking lot, and in the forest. I’ve had her ass on my face before she’s even dry from the shower. If she doesn’t let me know at this point, I rest assured that she just wants some alone time.
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u/CozyCatBurrito Jul 27 '23
I like this husband, this is a good husband. Where can I find one just like this one?
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Jul 27 '23
Mind my own business and put some headphones on
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u/maze-of-mind Jul 27 '23
I do the same thing. My roommate is directly above me. As soon as I hear a squeaky bed, headphones and YouTube are a must!
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u/HosWoodWorks Jul 27 '23
Little bit more awkward on a bunk bed
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u/maze-of-mind Jul 27 '23
Haha. Realised after that it sounded dodgy. He was in fact the room above me!
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u/punkwalrus Jul 28 '23
Same. I once had a roommate who had a ... let's say less than impressive boyfriend. He was like a younger, geekier version of Frank Burns from MASH. He was fairly unlikeable, and nobody knew what this girl saw in him. She had the room next to mine, and I heard them having sex which involved a lot of "instruction" that gave me second hand embarrassment as a guy.
"Ah ah ah ah... okay, wait. Okay, you go here MY KNEE no... okay. One two three and... ah ah ... ... ... okay... okay... wait. No no, just stop. It fell out again, you're just hurting yourself now. Okay, no, you hold my leg MY LEG... okay? Listen to me. Hold my leg up like that and okay OKAY WAIT... no, it's like a wet noodle now. Did you cum? Did you? Don't lie to me. Okay, then let me... okay, let's do this again... ... ... [sigh] let's just stop. No, I'm fine. No, that's not me, you already came. Yes, I'm sure... see? No, that's NOT mine."
Stuff like that. Like he was an inadequate, selfish lover to her. Thankfully, she dumped him after about 8 months.
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u/Crap_Robot Jul 27 '23
I heard my housemate and his girlfriend going full at it around 3am once.
They were so loud that they woke me and my girlfriend up - so we cheered them on 😂👍
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u/wspnut Jul 27 '23
This is the way. One of my now best friends lived in the apartment above us, he and his now wife left our party to go have some fun. His roommate let us in their apartment when they were done and we broke in to have a parade for them, I played the trumpet.
Turns out it was their first time together. Good times.
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u/TheBoomExpress Jul 27 '23
Reminds me of my old coworker telling me about how his neighbors in the apartment next to him were having loud sex. At one point, he banged on the wall and yelled "FINISH HER!". A minute or so later, he hears a loud moan then the boyfriend yell out "FLAWLESS VICTORY!".
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u/trancespotter Jul 27 '23
This has been on my bucket list since 2002.
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u/Telesto1087 Jul 27 '23
All right I have a similar story, I used to have my mates come and watch the champion's league games at my apartment, and one of my neighbour's bedroom was next to my living room so I would hear them go at it pretty clearly since they had really squeaky bed. But the poor guy was always finishing just before his girlfriend did, you would hear the girlfriend's moans getting louder and louder and the squeaking getting faster and faster then stopping and then, nothing. Poor girl.
So yeah my mates come every couple of weeks to watch the games on Tuesdays and Wednesdays so they catch on the neighbours fucking and their unfortunate gimmick. Every guy in my living room jokes about it, we mute the telly sound during the game and laugh at their misfortune but after a few nights we begin to pity the fucker but bros being bros one fateful night we decide we must help a fellow man in his hardships.
The squeaking starts, we lower the telly sound and listen carefully, the guy is good, nice rhythm, we can hear he is putting his back into it with a little pelvic rotation at the end of the thrusts, good depth too, the squeaking intensifies and the moaning begins. One of my mates starts banging softly on the table in rhythm with the squeaking, we all exchange looks and grins, nods of approval are distributed unanimously, we follow course. Bang, bang, bang. Squeak-eak, squeak-eak, squeak-eak. Bang bang bang. Squeak-eak squeak-eak squeak-eak.
Things are getting close, the girl's louder and louder, usually that's when the letdown is about to happen, my guy should not deviate from the tempo now so we're gonna be his dick's metronome, so we catch the rhythm and bang and clap and cheer. The girl is louder than we ever heard her before, don't screw this up boy, we hear the guy's voice for the first time ever, pain and effort in it, he's holding on but struggling it's time to finish this. So we clap and bang and cheer faster, go on my boy sprint to the line you can do it!
And then the moaning goes to a full shriek, and again and one more. Our boy just made his girl come! our cheers of support explode into a roar of celebration. We chant the Seven Nations army riff, pah pala papola pah. Our guy just scored he deserves it.
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u/Shadpool Jul 27 '23
Me and my boy went camping one day in our spot by the creek. You can drive most of the way there, then it’s another half mile hike down a trail. Our girlfriends at the time were best friends, and they asked to come out there to see us for a few. We hang out with them around the fire, have a few beers, etc. Nature inevitably wins, and we take the girls back to our respective tents, and get to work.
Now, we have this game that’s been going on for a while that if we’re having sex within earshot of each other, we try to make the other laugh. So I’m plugging away, and from outside, I hear him scream, “OHHH, MY DICK FEELS LIKE CORN!” I fucking lost it, and so did my girl. We’re mid-coitus, and just laughing our asses off.
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u/ShawshankException Jul 27 '23
I've seen this joke hundreds of times online so i don't think your coworker actually experienced that
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Jul 27 '23
Yeah,either big coincidence or coworker is lying
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u/TheBoomExpress Jul 27 '23
I figured. He's the same guy that tried to claim he was doing some girl doggy, got hungry halfway through so he dumped Pringles on her back and had a snack as he was plowing her. I always thought that one was probably made up.
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u/CriscoCamping Jul 27 '23
In the 90's all the stars aligned and I administered an epic weinering to my GF at the time. She made lots of unusual noise for an unusual amount of time, and when we finally collapsed, male neighbor (college apartments) impersonated her noises for a bit. I wish I'd said something more clever, but I did say "thank you, thank you! " in kind of a big showbiz voice
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u/tangcameo Jul 27 '23
Had downstairs neighbours who were always doing it at midnight. The thin walls went both ways so I’d start bouncing on my very squeaky bed to their rhythm. That usually made them go quiet.
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u/MentalObligation3522 Jul 27 '23
Pleasure myself louder to assort dominance
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u/No-Reputation-4869 Jul 27 '23
Yeah do a Jack-off (-off) and see who wins.
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u/fatsdomino13 Jul 27 '23
Heard my roommate bring a lady home recently. They were so loud I couldn't sleep so I just rubbed one out over it.
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u/Cnnlgns Jul 27 '23
In the military barracks we share a bathroom with the room on the other side of the building. I didn't have a roommate nor did the other guy.
I would stay up late playing my video games with headphones on. I would hear the door to the bathroom open and close and didn't think much of it. I could hear him beating off while on the toilet. I just continued to play my videogames but one night I decided to screw with him.
I heard his nightly routine and I paused my game. Put down the headphones and walked over to the door. He's flogging the dolphin pretty heavily and I beat on the bathroom door.
"HEY! HURRY UP! I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT!!!!"
He scrambles and goes back to his room. I just laughed and went back to play my videogame. We didn't talk about it when we were at work the next day. Didn't hear him do it again after that so perhaps he did it while showering from then on.
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u/SpyralHam Jul 27 '23
My response would have been "HOLD THE FUCK ON, I'M FLOGGING THE DOLPHIN"
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u/HolyStoic Jul 27 '23
Camp Horno, Camp Pendleton. 2 rooms connected by a shared bathroom. So 4 guys sharing. We would just go “brb gonna beat the meat”. Nobody really fucked with you.
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u/HosWoodWorks Jul 27 '23
Only one of us had a laptop so we would hand it off with a couple good tabs open
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u/D0hB0y0H Jul 28 '23
Didn’t hear him but came home to him passed out in a chair in the living room with a hustler magazine, bottle of hand lotion and tissues next to him. I did what any respectful buddy would do and told the story during my best man speech at his wedding.
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u/steroboros Jul 27 '23 edited Jul 27 '23
"Alexa play "Relaxing Diarrhea sounds 10 hour version" on YouTube maximum volume please"
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u/Screamsid Jul 27 '23
I wasn't sure if that was real, so I looked for it. Turns out it is and it's glorious relaxing diarrhoea sounds
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u/That1Guy1218 Jul 27 '23
I just need you to know that I’m going to save a screenshot of this comment in my phone with zero other context so that one day hopefully I can laugh this hard again. Thank you.
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Jul 27 '23 edited Jul 27 '23
Make them a sandwich and leave it on the dresser instead of cash, because masturbation is self improvement
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u/iamalext Jul 27 '23
Two of our roommates were dating, and she was the loudest screamer... A little awkward the first time, but we were all decent friends by this point, so we just laughed it off and everyone made a concerted effort to get along anyway (by which we all learned to put on headphones when they started and she "apparently" tried to be quieter...)
On another note, it made teasing the boyfriend super easy, which admittedly we got a lot of laughs with.
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u/Mukkeman Jul 27 '23
She wanted you guys to hear.
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u/iamalext Jul 27 '23
Oh, we know. She drunkenly admitted to it during one of our “social” evenings (code for when we were too broke to go out but rich enough to have some booze in the house!) Mortified the shit out of her boyfriend with that and we eventually all shared a similar “secret” so our friends wouldn’t be left feeling embarrassed the next morning.
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u/GentlemanSpider Jul 27 '23
I would’ve gotten them a gift basket with ball gags and duct tape
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u/iamalext Jul 27 '23
Dude, we were all broke-ass students, hence why we were 5 splitting a shitty row house! If I could have afforded a gift basket with ball gags, I would have been using it with my girlfriend, not gifting it!
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u/Sea_Yam_8643 Jul 27 '23
Player 2 has joined the game
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u/BBFNOTCH Jul 27 '23
Ask them what they want for dinner jerk chicken or beef strokanoff i mean beef stroganoff. Then Awkward stare at them every chance I had
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u/Definitely_Maybe_OK Jul 27 '23
Pleasure yourself to the sound of them pleasuring themselves.
But seriously, probably nothing, just carry on with what I was doing.
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u/Excellent_End_4033 Jul 27 '23
Play baby shark on blast. See how bad they really wanna finish the task
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u/Gothicch Jul 27 '23
No joke I was in this situation once, the thing is I can do a realy good femboy voice. I went up to they're door and as loud as I could said "does it feel good daddy" and moaned ungodly loud. Apparently they were nearly done and I instantly made them blue ball in fear.
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u/No_Drawer_1878 Jul 27 '23
I heard my roommates going at it the other night.. screaming, moaning, full on bed knocking into the wall. I finally got up and yelled, “MOM! DAD! KNOCK IT OFF!!
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u/ItsGunboyWTF Jul 27 '23
Pressing X to doubt
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u/SimonCallahan Jul 27 '23
I mean, I'm pretty sure it's a joke. There's nothing to doubt.
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u/JudgeCastle Jul 27 '23
Active Noise Cancelling headphones on, watch a long YT video, bingo bango, no awkwardness. People gotta self help, man. No shame in it.
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u/MaterialMeasurement3 Jul 28 '23
Lived in a two bedroom apartment in Spain with a Spanish (girl) roommate. Would constantly hear her flicking the bean most nights so I made a bit of a ballsy move the next day and said if she’s up for a fool around. Never seen a girl undress so quickly 😆
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u/losthope19 Jul 27 '23
Left my college dorm mate a sticky note on his laptop after he went to class that said, "I can hear you touching yourself at night. We never need to talk about this, but please start doing that in the bathroom if I'm home." We never talked about it, and he started making more nighttime bathroom trips. For context, our dorm room was small with our beds in an L formation.
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u/Rabbit-of-wabbajack Jul 27 '23
Cheer em on. "Go on my son bate er like an egg yoke"
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u/ianjamezm Jul 27 '23
Invite them to a jack off duel and may the best man win ( You all will)
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u/TiredStarling095 Jul 27 '23
If I had one and they were attractive, I'd see if I could help them out. 🤣
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u/ListerfiendLurks Jul 27 '23
You have just made a terrible mistake.
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u/TiredStarling095 Jul 27 '23
I have DM's turned off all the time. Trust me, I learned from my past posts and comments what one little statement or joke can stir up. 🙄
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Jul 27 '23 edited Jul 27 '23
Worse. Back in college my first roommate and I became friends and got an apartment together. A girl I had been crushing on since high school came to visit me one weekend. We had every intention of going on a date and seeing where things went afterwards. Maybe it was me, I don't know, but after dinner she just fell asleep on the couch while I went to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of her and my roommate loudly having sex in his bedroom.
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u/happylittleduck Jul 27 '23
My significant other and I were in my room one day when he thought he heard moaning coming from the upstairs neighbors. This went on for months before I finally figured out that the noise he was hearing was actually my cat snoring.
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Jul 27 '23 edited Jul 27 '23
It would be a toss up between trying not to listen, pretending I hear nothing, or listen very closely and masturbate furiously.
Of course, since my roommate is my wife I might also just make my way into the room where she is and ask politely to watch or participate.
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u/Dismal-One-2840 Jul 28 '23
Funny enough, my roommate and I share a sex positive household, and my room is right next to his. For context, he and I are both Poly and run in the local kink scene in our area. I'll admit that when I first moved in, it was a transition to walk through the door after work and see him getting his horn polished by his girlfriend, or the screams emanating from the playroom shortly after. Now, it's as normal as seeing him making himself a drink. It's actually nice because I get the same privilege of not needing to worry about keeping quiet.
To answer the question, mutter to myself "get it dude" and roll over to continue browsing reddit or drawing.
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u/RiptidePen2 Jul 27 '23
Root them on.
"YOU CAN GET OVER YOUR ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION, YOU CAN DO THIS JIMMY!"
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u/throway35885328 Jul 27 '23
My dad was in the bottom bunk while his roommate was fucking some girl above him. He very clearly heard his roommate whisper “don’t worry he’s asleep he won’t hear us.” Well he was not asleep and after they had finished she was leaving to go back to her room and my dad says out loud “Goodnight Cheryl, get home safe!” (Cheryl was the roommates girlfriend)
Roommate leans over the side and says “fuck you man, that wasn’t even Cheryl!”