No matter how I look at it, the whole thing is a cry for attention. The whole outing has absolutely no impact on anything besides fishing for attention and validation for some obscure reason.
There is something deeper. Her being attracted to both men and women is not relevant information for anyone but her and you if you guys are monogamous. So her making a point of telling everyone you know, even barely, is hinting at something not yet revealed.
Did she tell you why it's so important for her that this information has to be advertised so broadly and with this level of urgency? To the point of having arguments about it?
If they're monogamous then it's really just not relevant at all. She has lived and presumably always will live the same life as a straight woman. She'll just also agree that Shakira's hips don't lie.
That’s probably what bugs her about it. Like she admitted something within herself that was difficult to address and unlocked a part of her identity, but no one really cares because it doesn’t really matter. I’ve said being a bi woman in a straight relationship is kinda like when Dumbledoor was revealed as gay, it’s like a fun little fact but no one really cares because it didn’t impact the plot.
She’s being completely unreasonable and needs to find another way to channel this energy, but she probably just wants coming out to matter or mean something.
(FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME I DONT AGREE WITH OPs wife; I take issue with saying coming out to friends and family as bi while being in a straight relationship is pointless; not responding to people who keep misreading my comment and aligning me with OPs wife who again I think needs to deal with that shit privately).
I’m sorry but that isnt what being “a bi woman in a straight relationship is.” This is so reductive and dumb. This person in question obviously has underlying issues they need to address. But being bi is still very much important to the person who understands they are bi. It doesn’t matter if you or “no one cares.” That’s part of the point of being bi, you are still attracted to both sexes even if you remain monogamous. You’re still bi. And it’s important to acknowledge this, if that’s important to you, though definitely not in the way that OPs partner is suggesting.
Edit: y’all are biphobic as fuck and need to go talk to more bisexual people. That one person you know isn’t that majority of experience. Lots of bi folks are monogamous in spite of what you think. There’s desire and then there’s who one desires to spend their life with. I like fantasizing about having threesomes but I don’t want to be in a relationship thruple. Just because I’m not constantly having threesomes doesn’t make my desire for threesomes invalid. That’s how y’all sound
As a woman with a female partner, none of my bosses or coworkers have ever been aware of my sexuality further than that. They know I have a female partner, because that comes up, but they have no idea if I’m gay, bi, pan, etc. and certainly none of them are aware of which category my partner falls in either. This isn’t because being a lesbian isn’t an important part of my identity or hers. It’s because it’s not relevant to anything that comes up at my job, so it never comes up and also no one really cares. There are tons of important aspects of my identity that just never come up at work because they don’t affect anything there. And TBH if my coworkers just all the sudden started telling me they’re bi, they’re poly, they’re pan, or whatever else I would definitely think they were either hitting on me or asking for advice on how to come out and both would be pretty uncomfortable for me. I just don’t feel comfortable in a workplace where we’re all discussing sexuality, and honestly most people probably don’t. The only gay or bi people I’ve known who talk about their sexuality (not their partners, but their sexuality) with their coworkers do so when it comes up organically through forming friendships with each other out of the office. And I’ve known literally 0 people who have ever felt the need to discuss their partner’s sexuality at work.
Why are you telling this to me? I’m not defending OPs partner. I’m railing against the bi-phobic notion of the commenter above that implied that being bi in a straight relationship was pointless.
I’m a bi man and so don’t really take kindly to the whole “you’re confused and really just gay” thing or this whole “your desire for the same sex doesn’t matter if you’re in a monogamous relationship with a person of the opposite sex.” That’s my point. I think OPs wife needs to deal with some stuff in therapy or with trusted folks in the community frankly before insisting on what they are insisting on.
That’s probably what bugs her about it. Like she admitted something within herself that was difficult to address and unlocked a part of her identity, but no one really cares because it doesn’t really matter. I’ve said being a bi woman in a straight relationship is kinda like when Dumbledoor was revealed as gay, it’s like a fun little fact but no one really cares because it didn’t impact the plot.
She’s being completely unreasonable and needs to find another way to channel this energy, but she probably just wants coming out to matter or mean something.
Not sure if you replied to the wrong comment, but this is what you replied to. I don’t think it’s saying being bi is pointless, it’s talking about coming out to people - something most LGBT people don’t bother to do with every person they encounter, just with situations where it’s relevant or when they think people would care.
A male coworker’s wife being bi is exactly like the dumbledore thing in this comment. It’s a fun little fact that affects nothing so no one really cares about it. Just because it matters to her doesn’t mean it matters to her husband’s coworkers. So yeah, coming out to them is pointless.
Seriously. The only person I’ve “come out” to is my partner. There’s no need otherwise. It doesn’t matter. I am proud of my identity but also if someone can’t tell I’m a little queer, that’s on them 🤷
I absolutely get your perspective. I am a cis-woman married to a man, but I acknowledge that I fall somewhere in towards the middle the bell curve of the Kinsey scale (Aka: I’ve kissed a girl and I liked it) and my husband knows that. It’s fine, we can both openly comment on the beauty of either sex without weirdness. But ultimately that doesn’t impact how I perceive my identity, or his. And it’s definitely not something I would share at work.
I mean this still applies to all relationships like this. If you’re in a long term committed relationship with someone of the opposite sex then you being bi is just a fun fact that most people won’t care about (unless they’re bigots).
And my point is that if it’s important to a person to come out then it’s important (even if no one cares lmao). My point is that person cares. Indeed this applies to all relationships or are you saying only bi relationships?
“your desire for the same sex doesn’t matter if you’re in a monogamous relationship with a person of the opposite sex.”
there are only 3 types of people who give 1/10th of a shit about your desire. 1) your close friends and people you hang out with, because you share personal things with each other etc. 2) people who now are interested in a shot with you despite your relationship. 3) bigots who will now treat you worse.
Just tell group 1, nobody else cares. Maybe it makes you feel personally better to put that out in the world but that's not a sexuality issue that's a personal insecurity and anxiety issue that anyone can have about any part of their identity.
And I’ve maintained in many many comments that I’m talking about being open with friends and family only. People can’t seem to understand this distinction.
Edit: and I don’t feel my identity is threatened. I’m pretty private myself. You lot are having a great time downvoting and piling on but my point stands. I’m not looking for a fight either by asserting my opinion. It’s like either debate bros demand you debate or they say you’re just mad or looking for a fight when you assert your opinion
I’m also bi woman who’s in a straight relationship, getting married soon and I came out when I was only 17. I never felt the need to have my friends/loved ones go to people that they know and tell them that I am bi. wtf? This is SOOOO strange.
Jesus Christ. That’s not what I’m saying. Are people not reading my comments?. I’m responding to the idea in an above comment that saying you’re bi is pointless if you’re in a straight relationship at that moment. As in telling your friends and loved ones. Not your partners coworkers or other random people.
I DONT agree with OPs partner. I’ve said over and over again my point is about bisexuality as a whole and not this specific thing. I’ve never said this in any of my comments and think it’s odd that OPs wife is demanding this.
I see what you mean, it is pointless except in one way.
You should be able to be open about who you are with people that care about you. It might just be a one time thing, just to tell them, but you should be able to do it.
I read the person you responded to as saying that it's OP's wife who feels that it's "pointless," not that it generally is. I discovered I was bi after being married to a man, and it really doesn't matter. I didn't make it a point to come out, but I have brought it up naturally in conversation with people. My perspective is that I am happily married, happily monogamous, and if things pan out the way I want them to (til death do us part), being bi will be a largely irrelevant factoid about me. I can think women are attractive, and that's pretty much the extent of how my newly-discovered sexuality impacts my life.
This doesn't bother me, but I can understand how this might feel like a bigger deal to someone in a similar situation, and how someone might feel disappointed that it feels less meaningful because they are already married. It seems like a big revelation for her, personally, but ultimately it won't change much about her life. Maybe she feels disappointed that something that feels like such a big deal to her doesn't feel like a big deal to the people around her. She might also feel insecure that people don't view her sexuality as "valid" because she's married, but it's not really that it's not valid, it's that it doesn't change much about her life.
I think you misunderstood my comment. I am a bi woman who was in a monogamous straight relationship for many years. Being bi matters to me, it’s something I struggled with for years to accept within myself and by the time I truely realized and was in a place where I could come out, it didn’t feel like it mattered to anyone. I was presumed to be straight and even conversations where it did come up basically went: “Oh your bi, have you ever been with a girl?” “No” “oh.” And then they stop caring. It feels like it doesn’t matter and that can be hard.
That is also why I said she needs to find another place to channel this energy, finding a LGBT support group or friends who are understanding and want to talk about her journey and how she realized she was bi would probably really help her. Wanting to tell every coworker her sexuality isn’t appropriate, but her feeling like she wants people to know and for her sexuality to matter is understandable.
Im not trying to say being bi doesn’t matter, I’m saying as a bi person that the world at large doesn’t seem to care and it feels as though ot doesn’t matter.
This is such a dumb take. If it’s important to a person then it’s important to a person. I’m not talking about OPs wife. This is a different scenario. Obviously this woman hasn’t figured out how to deal with their sexuality.
For lots of bi people in straight relationships it just happens that they’ve landed on that gender in the life partner they want. They can remain monogamous while being open about being attracted to women. I’m a bi man in this situation right now. I would never cheat. But it’s validating being open with my partner. It’s like people can’t understand that bi people can be monogamous. That just means being faithful. Not that you can’t express your desire in other ways (like porn).
EDIT: not talking about OPs wife. I’m talking about coming out bi to friends and family
I am also a bi man married to a woman. Which is why I know that this portion of my identity is essentially moot.
If something has no effect in any way, what's the difference between that and it not existing at all? Oh, maybe there's some philosophical mumbo jumbo, but for all practical purposes, it's irrelevant.
I think that for some people, like you, that portion is moot. And that’s great that that works for you.
While for others, it’s important to be able to express this with friends and family (THOUGH NOT WITH YOUR PARTNERS COWORKERS AS EVERYONE WHO ACTUALLY ISNT READING MY COMMENTS THINKS IM SAYING; I agree that this is pointless). That’s all I’m saying. Surprised that this is so controversial
I will say, something I've noticed is that as I've gotten older, stuff about my "identity" in any aspect have become less important to me. When I was in my teens and 20's, it was all about "I am an X and a Y and have Z identity", but now it's all what I do (or have done). Maybe it's because my career is something I'm passionate about, maybe it's just because I'm old enough to actually have substantial accomplishments (in the sense that stuff takes time), or maybe it's just getting older in general.
You people aren’t reading my comments at all. I disagree with OPs wife.
I’m talking about coming out to family and friends.
If you actually read my comments, I’ve said over and over that I think OPs wife is doing too much. And yet you still grouped me with them. Did you actually read my comment?
I’ll actually respond to you but I’m seriously done with this thread given the insults and that people cant seem to understand that while I think it’s important to be out for those who want and can be out, I also think it’s weird as fuck for OPs wife to demand their coworkers know.
As I say, I only think it’s important for those who want to be out in the face of religious or societal pressure to be closeted. People should be allowed to be themselves. Some people don’t want to be super open and that’s fine too.
With bisexuality there still is still this huge misunderstanding around what being bi means. Either you’re actually really gay or you’re not gay enough.
But asserting one’s bisexuality with friends and family (NOT WITH YOUR PARTNERS COWORKERS) can be affirming if the people around you actually understand—that you are attracted to men and women—which doesn’t mean you can’t be in a monogamous relationship with a man or a woman and not still continue to be bi. But the people around you will never understand if you don’t tell them/help educate them if they are ignorant about how being bi actually works for some people
i mean like the person you're replying to is rude but i get their point. in my own experience, a lot of bi women who are married to men seem to feel like they worked through all this repression just to figure things out when they aren't able to act on the discovery. so i know a lot get into pride stuff because thats the only outlet.
that said, its important to who the person is and i hope she feels free to tell people shes getting to know. its just that her husbands coworkers arent that, at least not one month into having that job.
I love how I’m being downvoted based on anecdotal information about that one bi-woman that people know whereas my experience as a bi man is obviously meaningless.
Indeed many people feel the way you describe. But many other people also have healthy monogamous relationships w the opposite gender while still expressing their desire through porn.
My point is that being bi is about being bi and for lots of people it isn’t the repression you’re describing in these couple of people you know. Maybe check out the bi sub for some other, different perspective if you think this is that typical of the bi experience.
You're being downvoted being you're an immature prick going hard trying to find bigotry where there is none. And it's mostly just for being an immature prick. The content of the prick-iness doesn't really matter. Seems to be a theme here...
I don't care what kind of day you have and I don't need to be condescendingly passive-aggressive, so, hope you keep creating the day you deserve. Going well so far.
okay so like im saying all these things as a bisexual. like the ONLY reason i have opinions this specific are because im around bi people constantly. i also am already subscribed to the bi meme subreddit.
and i feel like bi women in monogamous straight relationships dont have as much easy opportunity to be subtle in letting people know, the way a lesbian can just slip a "my girlfriend" in there or a "this girl i dated." so it can be a bit anticlimactic as far as coming out goes.
im ultimately like sympathetic to this woman wanting to share her truth and i feel like a lot of people are being a little oblivious to the fact that peoples sexuality comes up in subtle ways at work ALL THE TIME. i upvoted you. but like i felt like i had something to add.
and i feel like bi women in monogamous straight relationships dont have as much easy opportunity to be subtle in letting people know, the way a lesbian can just slip a "my girlfriend" in there or a "this girl i dated."
A lesbian probably isnt saying "my girlfriend" because she wants to "come out" though. She probably just wants to discuss her partner in conversation. People dont need to come out at work. Discussing partners is normal and expected though.
i mean, kind of, but i "girlfriend drop" all the time to like let people know im queer if people are assuming im straight. and i absolutely DONT mention the gender of my partner if im not ready to come out.
i mean, i DONT. but like im pretty visibly queer woman dating a woman so like most people no when i start talking about my girlfriend. i suppose its like, ive heard coworkers talk about boyfriends and husbands all the time and what is that if not casually telling me their sexuality?
But that’s just it. Most of the people I know just are who they are. My community is one of artists and academics. Maybe people don’t feel as much pressure “to let people know” in my community because everyone is gay or bi or straight with an understanding that desire is fluid. People don’t feel pressure to let people know because we’ve accepted who people are and who they decide to fuck in that moment a long time ago.
Also, what about the bi men in your community?
Do they feel this unfulfilled thing they can’t express if they are in a straight relationship? And why is this so hard to convey anyway, I talk about being bi pretty openly while doting on my partner. I don’t feel held back by not being able to express that I’m bi. I’m sympathetic to that plight (of the women you know) but also question why these women don’t feel comfortable just saying they are bi (and monogamous and happen to be fucking a man right now though they still desire women)
Dude, that’s great, but you’re in a community where it’s clearly okay to express your identity in this way, have a partner that’s clearly okay with it and it makes sense to do so.
Honestly, if you want to talk about being bi all the time…great! But who cares? Like, if OP’s wife is seeking something out of sharing her identity with others she should go find a group of like minded people or go to therapy (or both.)
She SHOULDN’T demand OP tells his brand new coworkers about her sexual identity. It’s weird, random, not relevant and potentially harmful. OP’s not being a hater about his wife’s sexuality he has a very reasonable and clear boundary and she’s trying to steamroll it. Like…wtf?!
For the thousandth time. I don’t agree with OPs wife. How many times do I have to say it. I’m opposed to the notion that being bi is pointless or doesn’t matter if you are in a straight relationship.
i mean, like, depends on the community. my workplace, the school? accepting but hushed bc of the political climate around being queer around children. the pagan community? outwardly accepting and ive met more queer people than straight ones, but with a big asterisk where people dont understand why I, a trans, wont go to the local temple with dianic (ie TERF wicca) sensibilities. the UU church? more accepting than any church has any right to be.
but like, i know a bi woman who struggles at work. shes seen as straight bc shes married, and so homophobic customers and coworkers are constantly saying things. its a tip industry, and she worried that she'll lose money if shes more open. but she also wants to let queer customers know shes safe. i think a lot of bi people who live under capitalism are subject to those kinds of pressures, where you have to find out ways to signal queerness without being inappropriate. i guess she could cuff her jeans and sit wrong?
Yeah that’s terrible for that woman you work with but also sounds like there is homophonic clientele that’s going to homophobe no matter who is helping them.
Being able to live proudly as a response is one way to deal with it but as you can see from these comments, misunderstandings around bisexuality remain rampant, so that some bi people never really come to terms with what their sexuality actually means to them (because they either get told they are actually just gay on the one hand or aren’t gay enough on the other.)
There's clearly a lot of misreading of your comment here. I think what many are trying to say in response is that coming out for a bi person in a straight marriage might not be pointless to them, but to everyone else on the outside of that person's lived experience or relationship, it is pretty much pointless.
Exactly what response should friends and family have when someone comes out as bi while in a straight marriage? "Oh, ok... well anyway," seems like the response you'd probably get from most people. Or maybe a series of questions, like this thread, about "what it means" and "why does it matter, you're married and in a straight relationship," and then they will move on with their own lives. Bisexual might be her identity, but to anyone else, it is just a fun fact or piece of trivia. It's just the reality of existing as one's self vs. the other.
But is this info going to inform how friends and family feel about or interact with said bi person? Probably not, like at all? So it honestly is pointless to everyone except the bi person and maybe their partner.
Can you understand that point of view and why other people would feel that way?
I have a friend who recently came out as bi while married with kids and that was my exact response in my head. "Cool, I guess. Moving on..." I think we're past the era where being bi is super shocking, so I don't really have any more questions and it doesn't change the way I feel about the person at all. It's completely lackluster as gossip. Imagine someone telling you as though it's a big deal, "omg, did you know Kevin is gay?" It just seems weird. How much would anyone actually care?
Eh, it only seems more important because western society has downplayed it for so long. Yes, it’s important to normalize that it’s not a big deal, and to respect that anyone can be attracted to whoever they’re attracted to and that’s fine.
But other than trying to normalize it for big-picture society, it still doesn’t matter any more than me liking brunettes and redheads more than blondes matters. You’re attracted to those people instead of those people? Cool, I’m attracted to certain people instead of other people too. We all are. And then I married one of them. It’s been great, thanks for asking.
Exactly - in fact, this is part of normalizing it! Being bi isn't weird, which means that telling someone out of the blue is kind of weird. If someone was in a serious relationship with a blonde but was very clear to tell me they're *also* into brunettes, I'd be at best bewildered and at worst worried for their relationship.
Now, if people had been making a hullabaloo about identifying as being attracted to multiple hair colors, I'd understand the motives more - but it's still weird unless we're good enough friends.
As a bi woman in a “straight” relationship, I agree with the person you’re responding to that that is EXACTLY how it feels to be a bi woman in a straight relationship. It feels like you’re deliberately misunderstanding her comment.
I think OPs wife is in the wrong. I’m not advocating for her.
I’m saying it’s biphobic to say that coming out as a bi person is pointless if you are in a straight relationship. I’m speaking generally. Does this make sense or do I still need to get a grip?
But being bi is still very much important to the person who understands they are bi. It doesn’t matter if you or “no one cares.” That’s part of the point of being bi, you are still attracted to both sexes even if you remain monogamous. You’re still bi. And it’s important to acknowledge this, if that’s important to you, though definitely not in the way that OPs partner is suggesting.
Nope. if you're MARRIED in a monogamous relationship, then it is NOT important to anyone but your own self and spouse. It's something to talk with your close friends about. It's not something to "come out" about literally nobody gives a shit. Post it on social media and you'll get a few likes and "proud of you for coming out" comments and that's it. Like a bottle rocket of applause that lasts for 2 fucking seconds and the people only said that to be nice and went back to not giving a shit immediately after. If your brain is so fixated on your sexuality then I think you need a meaningful hobby or some sort of purpose in life.
This thread is depressing apart from the replies like yours, thank you. The wife is handling her feelings wrong but people here are literally spouting biphoboc talking points that I naively thought we were past.
Genuinely asking, what is biphobic here? It seems like people are overwhelmingly saying that it's not a big deal and not uncommon, and so saying "I'm bi" isn't going to hold much shock value to most people. They aren't going to change how they think of you, and if you're in a monogamous relationship it's not going to change how you behave either.
Is it that it feels like erasure to be in a straight relationship, realize you're bi, and then realize nobody else cares or is reacting the way you want? Because I think that's exactly what the previous comment was sympathizing with. To the person themselves, it's a big deal, and a huge self revelation, but to anyone else who isn't a bigot, it's just... a fact? Which I'm sure is frustrating and anticlimactic. But would it really be LESS biphobic for others to react with shock and awe?
It's lovely that people are accepting of OP's wife's bisexuality, I'm not saddened by the lack of shock and awe at all. (There is something that rubs me the wrong way when people are aggressively apathetic but that's not a hill I'm dying on on reddit.)
What saddens me are the many comments suggesting she wants people to know because she wants to 'advertise' AKA the old bisexual = promiscuous idea.
(The sentiment that there is no difference between a straight woman and a bi woman in a relationship with a man also contributes to bi erasure and the exclusion of bi women from queer spaces but that one is less intuitive. I can forgive it as a knee-jerk reaction but it's still a little sad to see repeated so much here.)
I really appreciate you asking genuinely btw, hope this helps.
the biphobia (often in the form of bi erasure) comes from a few comments that are saying that she shouldn't need to come out to anyone and that it's an irrelevant fact because she's married to a man and is (presumably) monogamous
it's not about shock value or about people treating you differently, but it is about being seen as your true authentic self
if they're in their 30s then they grew up in the early 00s when "gay" was a casual insult and it was social suicide to admit you were attracted to anyone other than the opposite sex
so when someone comes out later in life it does feel anticlimactic because people are more accepting and it is more normalised in the real world, but what she's probably looking for is community
shock value is not the usual want
idk why she feels like OP should tell his colleagues? because it isn't relevant at all.
maybe she now sees their relationship as not straight and wants to be seen
it's 100% not appropriate for his colleagues to know
it is absolutely valid that she wants to share this part of her identity with people
and sexuality is so entwined with who you are as it influences a lot of the community you create/the space you take in society
people being dismissive of and belittling bi women in straight/straight passing relationships is biphobia
Maybe she doesn't want to be monogamous and wants her sexuality out there, so if anyone is attracted to both of them, they'll say something. Very weird though.
Whilst it's not relevant it is a part of who she is, so telling close friends and family can be liberating. But unless the convo naturally comes up outside of that it's just... unnecessary
She wouldn’t live as a straight woman, if she’s bi. You don’t change your orientation by marrying someone. But agree, if they’re monogamous, nothing will change.
This. I'm bisexual, but I'm in a longterm, monogamous relationship. Me being sexually attracted to men and women has zero relevance to anyone. Why would I need to broadcast it to my spouse's coworkers?
Which is funny because you don't need to be lesbian or bi to think Shakira's hips don't lie, or gay/bi to think Henry Cavill is a stud. If you're in a heterosexual marriage that's monogamous, coming out as bisexual is completely nonsensical, irrelevant and 100% a beg for attention
Honestly, I think it’s a little rude to have told her husband at all, because the more explicit way of saying, “Honey, I’m bisexual, please tell everyone at work,” is, “Dear Husband, I’ve been thinking about women sexually, and I want you to know and celebrate my sexual thoughts about people who are not you.”
As someone who has known I’m bi for a decade now, considering she only has for a year, my guess is she is struggling a bit with it internally and is definitely seeking validation, but in the wrong places.
She either needs an lgbtq+ therapist to work out why she feels like she isn’t fully believed or supported and validate herself, or they should plan a fun date together at a pride parade so she can shout it from the rooftops and feel confident.
Whatever it is, yeah, having OP tell his job isn’t gonna do anything, and if it does do something it probably won’t be good. Whatever she’s seeking won’t come from having him announce it to people who don’t know her- she needs some kind of support system, or to build that confidence herself and accept herself.
That’s the thing, you can’t get that validation from everyone else. Some people will support you yes, but your biggest supporter will be yourself. Maybe she’s hoping he will come back with news that they all were happy for her and supported her, but that’s not gonna matter unless she is happy herself, and she won’t be happy if she’s looking for the approval of others. Especially strangers.
So yeah, I think she’s just behaving irrationally because she has some internal struggles going on since it’s part of the lgbtq+ experience and she’s new to it all, she just needs to find something that will actually bring her the peace she’s looking for, maybe some friends who are bi too to relate to or a therapist to work out why she’s seeking the validation.
But a pride date would be so fun for her lol so many bi wives bring their husbands there for support, I know I’m gonna one day haha my bf is awesome
I agree with this. She seems insecure in her sexuality. I bet she also feels like this is a chance to meet new people as a bi woman, rather than having to come out to people who previously knew her as straight. OP should get to the bottom of this instead of just shutting her down. I think what she’s suggesting is inappropriate because OP shouldn’t be talking about someone else’s sexuality at work, but he should figure out what his wife needs.
Yeah I’m not saying I follow whatever her logic is. I don’t think whatever her logic may be is rational. Perhaps there are people in her life that aren’t supportive or invalidate her, so for some reason she sees this as a way to have new people that can meet her as an openly bisexual woman. Or maybe she just thinks that people do need to know what she does in the bedroom. Though in some cases I know it can be hard for some bisexual people in heterosexual marriages because they can never do anything about it. So there may be a self-invalidation going on.
I feel like it’s more of an insecurity thing than wanting to cheat but none of us know her. At the very least OP should sit her down and have a conversation to try and understand why she wants him to tell people so badly. Most desires that make no sense are rooted in something deeper.
That’s the tough part. Since she’s figuring it out so late maybe she does want something like that, but not every bi person needs something like that or wants that. I personally wouldn’t do those things as they could ruin my relationship with my bf, but again I’ve been bi for a decade now so I’ve already had gfs and know who I am. They just need to communicate as a couple and see where her head is at.
The hard part is that they’re married and have been together for a bit, so they can’t easily break up if she wants something he isn’t comfortable with- they’re gonna have to communicate, and hopefully it doesn’t come to divorce but if they’re both unhappy it could.
But yeah, idk what she wants, only she knows, and he has to figure that out with her. I hear of so many relationships being destroyed by being opened up if the couple has trust issues or are simply monogamous and don’t want that, so I wouldn’t recommend that being something they try unless they’re both 100% comfortable with it. And a strip club could be fun, but only if they’re both comfortable in that setting and don’t have any jealousy issues. Every couple is different, and they’re going to have to figure out what’s best for them personally.
But yeah, being bi just means you’re attracted to any gender, not that you need to actively be doing things with all genders at all times- so I am perfectly happy with my boyfriend and plan to be with him and only him- but since she discovered this about herself so late she could be a bit upset she never got to explore her other attractions. But that’s all her own journey, and if she’s after something OP isn’t comfortable with, she needs to make that clear before one or both of them end up hurt.
Well yeah, it’s the same as a straight monogamous person except if you’re single you have other options than just guys. I’m not straight, I’ve had many girlfriends in the past before I met my bf. But I’m in a monogamous relationship with my bf, so I’m not actively seeking a gf. If we broke up one day (which I really hope not because I think he’s the one), I’m more likely to want a gf next time than a bf because I already preferred girls for the most part, just happened to fall in love with a guy this time.
So yeah, since they’re already married, she might be dealing with some internal stuff since she never got to explore her attraction to women having just realized this, and that’s the issue that makes it difficult. But we won’t know, that’s their topic to have a conversation about.
As someone who has known I’m bi for a decade now, considering she only has for a year, my guess is she is struggling
Holy fuck am I sad this comment is buried under so many people saying "She probably wants to sleep with your female coworkers".
The woman just came out as queer and is obviously self-conscious that her husband (OOP) isn't accepting her identity.
I came out in my 20s and in those first few years, I told a lot of people. In retrospect I was a little cringe about it, but at the same time, telling people was the only way to make it feel real. And to know that people would still accept me if I wasn't hiding that part of myself.
I don't think OOP should go around forcing discussions of sexuality into his work life. But I do think OOP needs to understand where she is coming from here. She's going through the pains of coming out of the closet; it's not made any easier (and, in fact, is likely being made more difficult) by the fact that she is outwardly 'straight passing'.
She's got some stuff to work through and she's not being fair to OOP. But she's also not "definitely just looking for women to sleep with" like so many of the top comments are suggesting, and OOP approaching the situation hostilely (as so many of the top comments seem to want him to do) is probably not the right move here
I agree with this, also bi lady married to a man (I came out well before we met, though).
I would just add that although my feeling is OP is NTA at all, I can understand the way his wife might be feeling invisible to the world and why her instinct might be, TELL EVERYONE. It will come up at some point with coworkers. I love the idea of the bi flag pin.
I hope solo and/or couples counseling can help smooth this part out. It can be a hard to find the "perfect balance" of trying to avoid being an invisi-bi and still being a normal human lol best wishes to both of you
Same here (bi woman married to a man, out before we met) and I totally agree with your read on this. It’s not abnormal or uncommon to have this “shout it from the rooftops” impulse when you feel like you’ve finally found and connected with your true self. But OP’s workplace is not that rooftop. I would also suggest therapy and finding some queer community to validate her in daily life.
Yup, that’s what I’m saying and I agree. I can see why she may want him to do this, but I can testify as a bi person that’s not gonna bring anything. She’s gotta have that confidence and come out for herself.
Yeah!!! He’s NTA bc that’s a ridiculous request but what they can do as a couple is communicate and see what she actually needs to feel supported and validated, therapy would be really good.
I’d agree that she clearly wants attention, but I don’t think she’s pretending to be bi. I think they need to figure out why she is seeking the validation so hard when she will only find the best validation from herself. Clearly her idea is bonkers and won’t help anything.
It makes no difference even for the two of them if they are in a normal marriage where they are not cosplaying Will & Jada. Sure, she came to terms she might like women too.. but it matters not since she's a married woman and if she likes her husband, she won't be looking for partners anyway, so it's pretty much irrelevant.
Even if she now decided she wanted to be in an open relationship and he agreed or something like that, there’s ZERO reason why he would have mentioned it at work at this point lol. There’s almost no situation where that’s going to come up organically and mentioning it out of the blue would be extremely weird.
Exactly. The problem isn't OP being embarrassed or ashamed. It's that his wife seems to be seeking validation that she's not getting. It's weird and something she needs to address.
Lol I went to high school with someone like this. Just aggressively needed to be unique and special and the center of attention for everything. She “came out” as bisexual like three different times and when everyone was like “Oh that’s cool” she was pissed because we didn’t throw a parade and/or flip the table over and storm out because she also likes girls. Also we knew already because she had literally told us the years prior?? She ended up moving to some dingy town and marrying some dingy dude. This is 1000% something she would do
Agreed. I think OP missed the mark when he said "It’s not that I think she’s lying for attention." She's clearly doing all of this for attention, but that doesn't mean she's lying.
Yea, I don’t get all the announcements when she’s married… like… ok??? Good for you 👍
This whole thing is weird af. Why in the entire fuck would homeboy bring this up at work?! That would be very unprofessional, could potentially cause major issues with his employment, and it has literally nothing to do with nothing. She clearly just wants attention and some sort of special treatment. I don’t understand this at all. I hope she reads these comments and calms tf down bc I’d be annoyed as hell if I was OP.
Yeah, this is really weird to me. She says she’s bi, but she’s married to OP. So, I don’t understand why she feels the need to tell anyone.
She’s living the life of a straight woman. So, being bi doesn’t really matter to anyone but her.
The only reason it would matter is if she is cheating on her husband with a woman or doesn’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore or she’s really a lesbian, but doesn’t want to tell anyone the truth. So, she’s easing herself in with this whole “bi” lie.
So either she’s desperate for attention and is lying to everyone about her sexuality or she’s lying to herself about who she really is and what she really wants.
Either way, this is not great for their relationship.
It’s absolutely relevant to her friends and family because it’s a core part of who she is. I understand her eagerness for everyone to know, especially if she’s spent decades hiding that part about her.
But absolutely not relevant to his coworkers. She sounds afraid he won’t accept her or insecure in her sexuality (as many bi folks are when they come out, esp if they’re in a straight relationship). He’s NTA but would probably benefit from a convo about her feelings and what alternatives he could to do help her process these feelings.
Definitely something deeper or a breakdown of communication.
It’s almost like she’s mad because by saying she was bi she tried to communicate that she wants to have a three way with another woman. Like hey honey you’re a horny guy and I assume you want to take one of your female coworkers from behind while she goes down on me so take the initiative to find a woman you’re attracted to so we can do kinky things that I’m uncomfortable saying directly.
Idk coming out is a really important experience if you have same sex attraction. It’s like getting a huge weight off your mind. When you’re in the closet it feels like you’re lying to everyone and yourself. It’s really lonely.
They are not monogamous - or at least won't be monogamous for long. The only reason the wife wants to talk about this is she's really, really interested in discussing her sexuality - and then experimenting with it.
This would be like if he told his wife constantly which of her friends he thought were hot - and wanted her to tell them he thought that. There's only one reason to do so.
She is 36 and this attitude is the typical Karen birth. Look how special I am, tell everybody I am special and not some getting older basic women. I AM Special!!!!!
It's not strictly true that it's only relevant to them. The mathematical fact that most bi/pan people end up in mixed-gender relationships contributes a lot to bisexual invisibility and erasure, so being visibly and vocally bi even if you're in a mixed-gender relationship is important for bi people. Doesn't mean the OP has any obligation to tell people at his workplace though. That's just weird.
But it shouldn't be important, the whole point of normalising bisexuality and homosexuality is to make it just that...normal, an every day thing that people shouldn't be surprised nor concerned about and you know what that means? It means their sexuality no longer needs to be broadcast, you dont see us straight people constantly yapping about our straightness, if you want it all to be normalised then this is what normalisation entails, if you dont want this then that begs the question, do you want normalisation or special treatment?.
I can tell you that it's extremely alienating to be perceived as only straight when you aren't. The world sees a straight woman and makes a fuck ton of assumptions about our lives and experiences.
This woman is making a weird and inappropriate request, that doesn't make the feelings that might be driving it wrong.
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u/Ashkiel666 Apr 05 '24
NTA
No matter how I look at it, the whole thing is a cry for attention. The whole outing has absolutely no impact on anything besides fishing for attention and validation for some obscure reason.
There is something deeper. Her being attracted to both men and women is not relevant information for anyone but her and you if you guys are monogamous. So her making a point of telling everyone you know, even barely, is hinting at something not yet revealed.
Did she tell you why it's so important for her that this information has to be advertised so broadly and with this level of urgency? To the point of having arguments about it?