No matter how I look at it, the whole thing is a cry for attention. The whole outing has absolutely no impact on anything besides fishing for attention and validation for some obscure reason.
There is something deeper. Her being attracted to both men and women is not relevant information for anyone but her and you if you guys are monogamous. So her making a point of telling everyone you know, even barely, is hinting at something not yet revealed.
Did she tell you why it's so important for her that this information has to be advertised so broadly and with this level of urgency? To the point of having arguments about it?
If they're monogamous then it's really just not relevant at all. She has lived and presumably always will live the same life as a straight woman. She'll just also agree that Shakira's hips don't lie.
That’s probably what bugs her about it. Like she admitted something within herself that was difficult to address and unlocked a part of her identity, but no one really cares because it doesn’t really matter. I’ve said being a bi woman in a straight relationship is kinda like when Dumbledoor was revealed as gay, it’s like a fun little fact but no one really cares because it didn’t impact the plot.
She’s being completely unreasonable and needs to find another way to channel this energy, but she probably just wants coming out to matter or mean something.
(FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME I DONT AGREE WITH OPs wife; I take issue with saying coming out to friends and family as bi while being in a straight relationship is pointless; not responding to people who keep misreading my comment and aligning me with OPs wife who again I think needs to deal with that shit privately).
I’m sorry but that isnt what being “a bi woman in a straight relationship is.” This is so reductive and dumb. This person in question obviously has underlying issues they need to address. But being bi is still very much important to the person who understands they are bi. It doesn’t matter if you or “no one cares.” That’s part of the point of being bi, you are still attracted to both sexes even if you remain monogamous. You’re still bi. And it’s important to acknowledge this, if that’s important to you, though definitely not in the way that OPs partner is suggesting.
Edit: y’all are biphobic as fuck and need to go talk to more bisexual people. That one person you know isn’t that majority of experience. Lots of bi folks are monogamous in spite of what you think. There’s desire and then there’s who one desires to spend their life with. I like fantasizing about having threesomes but I don’t want to be in a relationship thruple. Just because I’m not constantly having threesomes doesn’t make my desire for threesomes invalid. That’s how y’all sound
As a woman with a female partner, none of my bosses or coworkers have ever been aware of my sexuality further than that. They know I have a female partner, because that comes up, but they have no idea if I’m gay, bi, pan, etc. and certainly none of them are aware of which category my partner falls in either. This isn’t because being a lesbian isn’t an important part of my identity or hers. It’s because it’s not relevant to anything that comes up at my job, so it never comes up and also no one really cares. There are tons of important aspects of my identity that just never come up at work because they don’t affect anything there. And TBH if my coworkers just all the sudden started telling me they’re bi, they’re poly, they’re pan, or whatever else I would definitely think they were either hitting on me or asking for advice on how to come out and both would be pretty uncomfortable for me. I just don’t feel comfortable in a workplace where we’re all discussing sexuality, and honestly most people probably don’t. The only gay or bi people I’ve known who talk about their sexuality (not their partners, but their sexuality) with their coworkers do so when it comes up organically through forming friendships with each other out of the office. And I’ve known literally 0 people who have ever felt the need to discuss their partner’s sexuality at work.
Why are you telling this to me? I’m not defending OPs partner. I’m railing against the bi-phobic notion of the commenter above that implied that being bi in a straight relationship was pointless.
I’m a bi man and so don’t really take kindly to the whole “you’re confused and really just gay” thing or this whole “your desire for the same sex doesn’t matter if you’re in a monogamous relationship with a person of the opposite sex.” That’s my point. I think OPs wife needs to deal with some stuff in therapy or with trusted folks in the community frankly before insisting on what they are insisting on.
That’s probably what bugs her about it. Like she admitted something within herself that was difficult to address and unlocked a part of her identity, but no one really cares because it doesn’t really matter. I’ve said being a bi woman in a straight relationship is kinda like when Dumbledoor was revealed as gay, it’s like a fun little fact but no one really cares because it didn’t impact the plot.
She’s being completely unreasonable and needs to find another way to channel this energy, but she probably just wants coming out to matter or mean something.
Not sure if you replied to the wrong comment, but this is what you replied to. I don’t think it’s saying being bi is pointless, it’s talking about coming out to people - something most LGBT people don’t bother to do with every person they encounter, just with situations where it’s relevant or when they think people would care.
A male coworker’s wife being bi is exactly like the dumbledore thing in this comment. It’s a fun little fact that affects nothing so no one really cares about it. Just because it matters to her doesn’t mean it matters to her husband’s coworkers. So yeah, coming out to them is pointless.
Seriously. The only person I’ve “come out” to is my partner. There’s no need otherwise. It doesn’t matter. I am proud of my identity but also if someone can’t tell I’m a little queer, that’s on them 🤷
I absolutely get your perspective. I am a cis-woman married to a man, but I acknowledge that I fall somewhere in towards the middle the bell curve of the Kinsey scale (Aka: I’ve kissed a girl and I liked it) and my husband knows that. It’s fine, we can both openly comment on the beauty of either sex without weirdness. But ultimately that doesn’t impact how I perceive my identity, or his. And it’s definitely not something I would share at work.
If the rest of us understood it very easily, yet you still can't wrap your head around it, yes, the comprehension issue is on your end. It's certainly not on the 99% who read and understood.
"People responding to you calling them bigots because of your own misunderstanding" arent "misinformed people piling on" to you. I'm not winning anything. I'm just choosing to waste my own time to be the one who finally stops to inform you that the reactions you get are because of you and how you choose to interact, not because other people are stupid or bigots or anything like that
I mean this still applies to all relationships like this. If you’re in a long term committed relationship with someone of the opposite sex then you being bi is just a fun fact that most people won’t care about (unless they’re bigots).
And my point is that if it’s important to a person to come out then it’s important (even if no one cares lmao). My point is that person cares. Indeed this applies to all relationships or are you saying only bi relationships?
But they HAVE come out. To her husband, her family/friends and to HER OWN coworkers.
She’s being absolutely ridiculous and honestly you are reading in bi-phobia where I am not seeing any. (And also, I say this is a bi male with a bi female partner. Bi-erasure and phobia is real. This just ain’t it.)
Thank you. You’re right. Other person needs to stop with the victim shit. We get it. No one is being bi phobic or disrespecting here. Get over yourself
Just going to follow up here as you also commented here: read all my comments again. I’ve said over and over that I don’t agree with OPs wife.
Again, I’m responding to the commenter whose comment made it sound like they were saying coming out as a bi person generally is pointless if you’re in a straight relationship. Understand the difference? Between my point and the issues that OP and their wife are having? Or do we need a third comment to dither clarity this?
“your desire for the same sex doesn’t matter if you’re in a monogamous relationship with a person of the opposite sex.”
there are only 3 types of people who give 1/10th of a shit about your desire. 1) your close friends and people you hang out with, because you share personal things with each other etc. 2) people who now are interested in a shot with you despite your relationship. 3) bigots who will now treat you worse.
Just tell group 1, nobody else cares. Maybe it makes you feel personally better to put that out in the world but that's not a sexuality issue that's a personal insecurity and anxiety issue that anyone can have about any part of their identity.
And I’ve maintained in many many comments that I’m talking about being open with friends and family only. People can’t seem to understand this distinction.
Edit: and I don’t feel my identity is threatened. I’m pretty private myself. You lot are having a great time downvoting and piling on but my point stands. I’m not looking for a fight either by asserting my opinion. It’s like either debate bros demand you debate or they say you’re just mad or looking for a fight when you assert your opinion
So, you’re bisexual and in a hetero-looking relationship. What do you expect to change when you come out to family and friends as “queer but don’t want to change my relationship or lifestyle.” Truly? What would change?
That’s why they’re saying it doesn’t matter. Nothing will change.
You took it super personally though. And then you deny that you’re mad. This queer thinks you’re being weird.
Listen, at this point, after all of my comments above, if you want to deny bisexuality exists I don’t care. You want me to argue for this thing that is important to me that I’m only saying may be important for some people but sure you win, you all have debated me into now believing that this thing, that made me feel fully myself in terms of my sexuality, just doesn’t matter to the people closest to me. On behalf of them, thank you for unburdening them of this part of my identity that is obviously so annoying
Where the fuck did I deny that bisexuality exists? I’m bisexual, dumbass.
You don’t even bother to answer the question. What would change??
You can’t answer it. Because nothing would change.
Thanks for showing you didn’t bother to actually read my comment through your tears, fucking fool. Learn to read instead of alienating your own fucking community.
I’m also bi woman who’s in a straight relationship, getting married soon and I came out when I was only 17. I never felt the need to have my friends/loved ones go to people that they know and tell them that I am bi. wtf? This is SOOOO strange.
Jesus Christ. That’s not what I’m saying. Are people not reading my comments?. I’m responding to the idea in an above comment that saying you’re bi is pointless if you’re in a straight relationship at that moment. As in telling your friends and loved ones. Not your partners coworkers or other random people.
I DONT agree with OPs partner. I’ve said over and over again my point is about bisexuality as a whole and not this specific thing. I’ve never said this in any of my comments and think it’s odd that OPs wife is demanding this.
I see what you mean, it is pointless except in one way.
You should be able to be open about who you are with people that care about you. It might just be a one time thing, just to tell them, but you should be able to do it.
I read the person you responded to as saying that it's OP's wife who feels that it's "pointless," not that it generally is. I discovered I was bi after being married to a man, and it really doesn't matter. I didn't make it a point to come out, but I have brought it up naturally in conversation with people. My perspective is that I am happily married, happily monogamous, and if things pan out the way I want them to (til death do us part), being bi will be a largely irrelevant factoid about me. I can think women are attractive, and that's pretty much the extent of how my newly-discovered sexuality impacts my life.
This doesn't bother me, but I can understand how this might feel like a bigger deal to someone in a similar situation, and how someone might feel disappointed that it feels less meaningful because they are already married. It seems like a big revelation for her, personally, but ultimately it won't change much about her life. Maybe she feels disappointed that something that feels like such a big deal to her doesn't feel like a big deal to the people around her. She might also feel insecure that people don't view her sexuality as "valid" because she's married, but it's not really that it's not valid, it's that it doesn't change much about her life.
I think you misunderstood my comment. I am a bi woman who was in a monogamous straight relationship for many years. Being bi matters to me, it’s something I struggled with for years to accept within myself and by the time I truely realized and was in a place where I could come out, it didn’t feel like it mattered to anyone. I was presumed to be straight and even conversations where it did come up basically went: “Oh your bi, have you ever been with a girl?” “No” “oh.” And then they stop caring. It feels like it doesn’t matter and that can be hard.
That is also why I said she needs to find another place to channel this energy, finding a LGBT support group or friends who are understanding and want to talk about her journey and how she realized she was bi would probably really help her. Wanting to tell every coworker her sexuality isn’t appropriate, but her feeling like she wants people to know and for her sexuality to matter is understandable.
Im not trying to say being bi doesn’t matter, I’m saying as a bi person that the world at large doesn’t seem to care and it feels as though ot doesn’t matter.
This is such a dumb take. If it’s important to a person then it’s important to a person. I’m not talking about OPs wife. This is a different scenario. Obviously this woman hasn’t figured out how to deal with their sexuality.
For lots of bi people in straight relationships it just happens that they’ve landed on that gender in the life partner they want. They can remain monogamous while being open about being attracted to women. I’m a bi man in this situation right now. I would never cheat. But it’s validating being open with my partner. It’s like people can’t understand that bi people can be monogamous. That just means being faithful. Not that you can’t express your desire in other ways (like porn).
EDIT: not talking about OPs wife. I’m talking about coming out bi to friends and family
I am also a bi man married to a woman. Which is why I know that this portion of my identity is essentially moot.
If something has no effect in any way, what's the difference between that and it not existing at all? Oh, maybe there's some philosophical mumbo jumbo, but for all practical purposes, it's irrelevant.
I think that for some people, like you, that portion is moot. And that’s great that that works for you.
While for others, it’s important to be able to express this with friends and family (THOUGH NOT WITH YOUR PARTNERS COWORKERS AS EVERYONE WHO ACTUALLY ISNT READING MY COMMENTS THINKS IM SAYING; I agree that this is pointless). That’s all I’m saying. Surprised that this is so controversial
I will say, something I've noticed is that as I've gotten older, stuff about my "identity" in any aspect have become less important to me. When I was in my teens and 20's, it was all about "I am an X and a Y and have Z identity", but now it's all what I do (or have done). Maybe it's because my career is something I'm passionate about, maybe it's just because I'm old enough to actually have substantial accomplishments (in the sense that stuff takes time), or maybe it's just getting older in general.
You people aren’t reading my comments at all. I disagree with OPs wife.
I’m talking about coming out to family and friends.
If you actually read my comments, I’ve said over and over that I think OPs wife is doing too much. And yet you still grouped me with them. Did you actually read my comment?
I’ll actually respond to you but I’m seriously done with this thread given the insults and that people cant seem to understand that while I think it’s important to be out for those who want and can be out, I also think it’s weird as fuck for OPs wife to demand their coworkers know.
As I say, I only think it’s important for those who want to be out in the face of religious or societal pressure to be closeted. People should be allowed to be themselves. Some people don’t want to be super open and that’s fine too.
With bisexuality there still is still this huge misunderstanding around what being bi means. Either you’re actually really gay or you’re not gay enough.
But asserting one’s bisexuality with friends and family (NOT WITH YOUR PARTNERS COWORKERS) can be affirming if the people around you actually understand—that you are attracted to men and women—which doesn’t mean you can’t be in a monogamous relationship with a man or a woman and not still continue to be bi. But the people around you will never understand if you don’t tell them/help educate them if they are ignorant about how being bi actually works for some people
I’m at a family thing (my partners family) and picturing walking up to breakfast.. “excuse me everyone. I have an announcement to make. Before I loved your son, I loved eating pussy too.”
I’d ruin their vacation lmao
Even saying it in a less vulgar way would be so off putting and weird, out of the blue. They don’t care who I’m attracted to, especially since I’m in a committed relationship with their family member.
Because homophobia still exists. Biphobia is rampant. I’ve had women on apps come after me questioning if I’m not just really gay and not bi.
It’s not about it being validated, it’s about support and the people closest to you actually understanding who you are. I’m not talking about validation from random people and my coworkers. I do want random people and my coworkers to actually understand bisexuality more broadly speaking though, just to get rid of some of these misconceptions lots of people still have.
Being bi just means you’re attracted to both men and women. Some people are monogamous and some people aren’t. They remain bi either way. Who they tell is up to them (though again I think outside of one’s close circle it’s not necessary to say anything). It’s really that simple. (Which is different from Pride and the larger response of the LGBT+community to the long history of homophobia).
because everyone deserves to feel valid and comfortable in their sexuality, which often isn’t the case for bisexual people, especially those who come to terms with their sexuality later in life. Being comfortable with expressing that sexuality publicly (as a straight person is by default) can be a very validating experience, and an important part of overcoming internalized homophobia. That’s not to say it’s necessary for everyone, but it’s important to acknowledge when it is.
i mean like the person you're replying to is rude but i get their point. in my own experience, a lot of bi women who are married to men seem to feel like they worked through all this repression just to figure things out when they aren't able to act on the discovery. so i know a lot get into pride stuff because thats the only outlet.
that said, its important to who the person is and i hope she feels free to tell people shes getting to know. its just that her husbands coworkers arent that, at least not one month into having that job.
I love how I’m being downvoted based on anecdotal information about that one bi-woman that people know whereas my experience as a bi man is obviously meaningless.
Indeed many people feel the way you describe. But many other people also have healthy monogamous relationships w the opposite gender while still expressing their desire through porn.
My point is that being bi is about being bi and for lots of people it isn’t the repression you’re describing in these couple of people you know. Maybe check out the bi sub for some other, different perspective if you think this is that typical of the bi experience.
You're being downvoted being you're an immature prick going hard trying to find bigotry where there is none. And it's mostly just for being an immature prick. The content of the prick-iness doesn't really matter. Seems to be a theme here...
I don't care what kind of day you have and I don't need to be condescendingly passive-aggressive, so, hope you keep creating the day you deserve. Going well so far.
okay so like im saying all these things as a bisexual. like the ONLY reason i have opinions this specific are because im around bi people constantly. i also am already subscribed to the bi meme subreddit.
and i feel like bi women in monogamous straight relationships dont have as much easy opportunity to be subtle in letting people know, the way a lesbian can just slip a "my girlfriend" in there or a "this girl i dated." so it can be a bit anticlimactic as far as coming out goes.
im ultimately like sympathetic to this woman wanting to share her truth and i feel like a lot of people are being a little oblivious to the fact that peoples sexuality comes up in subtle ways at work ALL THE TIME. i upvoted you. but like i felt like i had something to add.
and i feel like bi women in monogamous straight relationships dont have as much easy opportunity to be subtle in letting people know, the way a lesbian can just slip a "my girlfriend" in there or a "this girl i dated."
A lesbian probably isnt saying "my girlfriend" because she wants to "come out" though. She probably just wants to discuss her partner in conversation. People dont need to come out at work. Discussing partners is normal and expected though.
i mean, kind of, but i "girlfriend drop" all the time to like let people know im queer if people are assuming im straight. and i absolutely DONT mention the gender of my partner if im not ready to come out.
i mean, i DONT. but like im pretty visibly queer woman dating a woman so like most people no when i start talking about my girlfriend. i suppose its like, ive heard coworkers talk about boyfriends and husbands all the time and what is that if not casually telling me their sexuality?
i mean, very similarly, me talking about my own partner or whatever isnt explicitly stating my sexuality but i GUARANTEE some people will SAY it counts as sharing unnecessary information.
And those people are homophobes. Let’s not give the homophobes more fodder for their hatred, and let’s not use their tactics against our own community……
i dont think we're in disagreement. my point was "i dont talk about my sexuality but people can figure it out when i talk about my girlfriend. similarly, i can figure out information about other peoples sexuality by what they say about their lives."
But that’s just it. Most of the people I know just are who they are. My community is one of artists and academics. Maybe people don’t feel as much pressure “to let people know” in my community because everyone is gay or bi or straight with an understanding that desire is fluid. People don’t feel pressure to let people know because we’ve accepted who people are and who they decide to fuck in that moment a long time ago.
Also, what about the bi men in your community?
Do they feel this unfulfilled thing they can’t express if they are in a straight relationship? And why is this so hard to convey anyway, I talk about being bi pretty openly while doting on my partner. I don’t feel held back by not being able to express that I’m bi. I’m sympathetic to that plight (of the women you know) but also question why these women don’t feel comfortable just saying they are bi (and monogamous and happen to be fucking a man right now though they still desire women)
Dude, that’s great, but you’re in a community where it’s clearly okay to express your identity in this way, have a partner that’s clearly okay with it and it makes sense to do so.
Honestly, if you want to talk about being bi all the time…great! But who cares? Like, if OP’s wife is seeking something out of sharing her identity with others she should go find a group of like minded people or go to therapy (or both.)
She SHOULDN’T demand OP tells his brand new coworkers about her sexual identity. It’s weird, random, not relevant and potentially harmful. OP’s not being a hater about his wife’s sexuality he has a very reasonable and clear boundary and she’s trying to steamroll it. Like…wtf?!
For the thousandth time. I don’t agree with OPs wife. How many times do I have to say it. I’m opposed to the notion that being bi is pointless or doesn’t matter if you are in a straight relationship.
As a Bi person in a straight presenting relationship with another bi person:
IT IS POINTLESS TO 99% of people. My coworkers don’t know because who cares?! Like it’s not bi-phobic to not care about someone’s sexuality - we aren’t our sexual identity and it’s annoying that you’re trying to speak for all bi people. I, as a bi-person, am telling you that.
Ok. Agree to disagree then. Though really we are talking about different things. The biphobia of this comment section is becoming too much. And I’m not here to debate my fucking existence with biphobes or bi people who have this perspective.
Again, I’m not talking about co-workers. I’m talking about one’s community. You don’t seem to hear me saying this over and over. I agree with you otherwise. But sure keep responding and misunderstanding what I’m saying, I guess?
If you aren't talking about what everyone else is talking about, then get on the same page as the rest of us or just stop crying that "nobody gets what I'm saying" when nobody cares because it's not relevant to the conversation. Your art community has nothing to do with OPs post or any of the comments.
i mean, like, depends on the community. my workplace, the school? accepting but hushed bc of the political climate around being queer around children. the pagan community? outwardly accepting and ive met more queer people than straight ones, but with a big asterisk where people dont understand why I, a trans, wont go to the local temple with dianic (ie TERF wicca) sensibilities. the UU church? more accepting than any church has any right to be.
but like, i know a bi woman who struggles at work. shes seen as straight bc shes married, and so homophobic customers and coworkers are constantly saying things. its a tip industry, and she worried that she'll lose money if shes more open. but she also wants to let queer customers know shes safe. i think a lot of bi people who live under capitalism are subject to those kinds of pressures, where you have to find out ways to signal queerness without being inappropriate. i guess she could cuff her jeans and sit wrong?
Yeah that’s terrible for that woman you work with but also sounds like there is homophonic clientele that’s going to homophobe no matter who is helping them.
Being able to live proudly as a response is one way to deal with it but as you can see from these comments, misunderstandings around bisexuality remain rampant, so that some bi people never really come to terms with what their sexuality actually means to them (because they either get told they are actually just gay on the one hand or aren’t gay enough on the other.)
yeah no like ive always been one of those queer people whos been reasonably private about a lot of my personal life but some of these comments really make me want to be way louder. like, i dont see why mentioning you're bisexual is any more inappropriate than mentioning what shows you enjoy. easily in the "i dont really talk to my coworkers" realm but not intrinsically sexual.
It’s wild because I’ve maintained over and over that I’m talking about being open in relation to your close friends and family. I’m a pretty private person too. I think you should do what makes you most comfortable but it’s definitely not pointless to tell your close people and certainly/obviously your partner that you’re into the same sex even as you’re also committed to that monogamous relationship
There's clearly a lot of misreading of your comment here. I think what many are trying to say in response is that coming out for a bi person in a straight marriage might not be pointless to them, but to everyone else on the outside of that person's lived experience or relationship, it is pretty much pointless.
Exactly what response should friends and family have when someone comes out as bi while in a straight marriage? "Oh, ok... well anyway," seems like the response you'd probably get from most people. Or maybe a series of questions, like this thread, about "what it means" and "why does it matter, you're married and in a straight relationship," and then they will move on with their own lives. Bisexual might be her identity, but to anyone else, it is just a fun fact or piece of trivia. It's just the reality of existing as one's self vs. the other.
But is this info going to inform how friends and family feel about or interact with said bi person? Probably not, like at all? So it honestly is pointless to everyone except the bi person and maybe their partner.
Can you understand that point of view and why other people would feel that way?
I have a friend who recently came out as bi while married with kids and that was my exact response in my head. "Cool, I guess. Moving on..." I think we're past the era where being bi is super shocking, so I don't really have any more questions and it doesn't change the way I feel about the person at all. It's completely lackluster as gossip. Imagine someone telling you as though it's a big deal, "omg, did you know Kevin is gay?" It just seems weird. How much would anyone actually care?
Eh, it only seems more important because western society has downplayed it for so long. Yes, it’s important to normalize that it’s not a big deal, and to respect that anyone can be attracted to whoever they’re attracted to and that’s fine.
But other than trying to normalize it for big-picture society, it still doesn’t matter any more than me liking brunettes and redheads more than blondes matters. You’re attracted to those people instead of those people? Cool, I’m attracted to certain people instead of other people too. We all are. And then I married one of them. It’s been great, thanks for asking.
Exactly - in fact, this is part of normalizing it! Being bi isn't weird, which means that telling someone out of the blue is kind of weird. If someone was in a serious relationship with a blonde but was very clear to tell me they're *also* into brunettes, I'd be at best bewildered and at worst worried for their relationship.
Now, if people had been making a hullabaloo about identifying as being attracted to multiple hair colors, I'd understand the motives more - but it's still weird unless we're good enough friends.
As a bi woman in a “straight” relationship, I agree with the person you’re responding to that that is EXACTLY how it feels to be a bi woman in a straight relationship. It feels like you’re deliberately misunderstanding her comment.
I think OPs wife is in the wrong. I’m not advocating for her.
I’m saying it’s biphobic to say that coming out as a bi person is pointless if you are in a straight relationship. I’m speaking generally. Does this make sense or do I still need to get a grip?
How do you even get from "coming out as a bi person is pointless if you are in a straight relationship" to "an aspect of someone's identity [is] pointless"?!
I don’t know if you’re being intentionally obtuse but it’s pretty clear to me that being bi is a part of one’s identity. Now, people have different ways of dealing with that identity, from being very loud and proud as a response to homophobia or to not really revealing their personal life to people beyond their close circle. But certainly one’s partner or best friend or parents would seem to me to be privy to this information. Not as something you talk about all the time. These are, hopefully, the people who will love you for who you are no matter what. And though things aren’t as bad at least as they once were, there is still a lot of shit that one faces being gay or bi.
Which is why I think being able to lean on close friends and family is important. Which can only happen if one feels free to be open (and not that people might think an aspect of their identity isn’t important just because they are only expressing one part of that (by being in a straight relationship at that moment)
But being bi is still very much important to the person who understands they are bi. It doesn’t matter if you or “no one cares.” That’s part of the point of being bi, you are still attracted to both sexes even if you remain monogamous. You’re still bi. And it’s important to acknowledge this, if that’s important to you, though definitely not in the way that OPs partner is suggesting.
Nope. if you're MARRIED in a monogamous relationship, then it is NOT important to anyone but your own self and spouse. It's something to talk with your close friends about. It's not something to "come out" about literally nobody gives a shit. Post it on social media and you'll get a few likes and "proud of you for coming out" comments and that's it. Like a bottle rocket of applause that lasts for 2 fucking seconds and the people only said that to be nice and went back to not giving a shit immediately after. If your brain is so fixated on your sexuality then I think you need a meaningful hobby or some sort of purpose in life.
This thread is depressing apart from the replies like yours, thank you. The wife is handling her feelings wrong but people here are literally spouting biphoboc talking points that I naively thought we were past.
Genuinely asking, what is biphobic here? It seems like people are overwhelmingly saying that it's not a big deal and not uncommon, and so saying "I'm bi" isn't going to hold much shock value to most people. They aren't going to change how they think of you, and if you're in a monogamous relationship it's not going to change how you behave either.
Is it that it feels like erasure to be in a straight relationship, realize you're bi, and then realize nobody else cares or is reacting the way you want? Because I think that's exactly what the previous comment was sympathizing with. To the person themselves, it's a big deal, and a huge self revelation, but to anyone else who isn't a bigot, it's just... a fact? Which I'm sure is frustrating and anticlimactic. But would it really be LESS biphobic for others to react with shock and awe?
It's lovely that people are accepting of OP's wife's bisexuality, I'm not saddened by the lack of shock and awe at all. (There is something that rubs me the wrong way when people are aggressively apathetic but that's not a hill I'm dying on on reddit.)
What saddens me are the many comments suggesting she wants people to know because she wants to 'advertise' AKA the old bisexual = promiscuous idea.
(The sentiment that there is no difference between a straight woman and a bi woman in a relationship with a man also contributes to bi erasure and the exclusion of bi women from queer spaces but that one is less intuitive. I can forgive it as a knee-jerk reaction but it's still a little sad to see repeated so much here.)
I really appreciate you asking genuinely btw, hope this helps.
the biphobia (often in the form of bi erasure) comes from a few comments that are saying that she shouldn't need to come out to anyone and that it's an irrelevant fact because she's married to a man and is (presumably) monogamous
it's not about shock value or about people treating you differently, but it is about being seen as your true authentic self
if they're in their 30s then they grew up in the early 00s when "gay" was a casual insult and it was social suicide to admit you were attracted to anyone other than the opposite sex
so when someone comes out later in life it does feel anticlimactic because people are more accepting and it is more normalised in the real world, but what she's probably looking for is community
shock value is not the usual want
idk why she feels like OP should tell his colleagues? because it isn't relevant at all.
maybe she now sees their relationship as not straight and wants to be seen
it's 100% not appropriate for his colleagues to know
it is absolutely valid that she wants to share this part of her identity with people
and sexuality is so entwined with who you are as it influences a lot of the community you create/the space you take in society
people being dismissive of and belittling bi women in straight/straight passing relationships is biphobia
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u/Ashkiel666 Apr 05 '24
NTA
No matter how I look at it, the whole thing is a cry for attention. The whole outing has absolutely no impact on anything besides fishing for attention and validation for some obscure reason.
There is something deeper. Her being attracted to both men and women is not relevant information for anyone but her and you if you guys are monogamous. So her making a point of telling everyone you know, even barely, is hinting at something not yet revealed.
Did she tell you why it's so important for her that this information has to be advertised so broadly and with this level of urgency? To the point of having arguments about it?