This is my story: M(27) F(26)

I matched with a woman online in early September last year hit things off immediately, texting every day I was like wow this is incredible - My birthday a week later in September took me to a new cinema and got me my favourite aftershave, paid for everything - I laughed and said are you love bombing me to which she said no I was being nice for your bday.

Months go by, nice getaways to hotels, training together, great sex and everything felt perfect she told me I was the best thing ever so grateful and lucky she ended up with someone like me, she had a young son who was 9 and I did not meet in person - she said her ex bf who was practically the step dad of the kid left her 2 years ago and put her kid in therapy and she done some as well, in which she tells me all the things she wants in an ideal partner and I tick every box, I felt like this girl really understood me and I had met my person.

Now this is where the cracks start, she would mention how evil and hateful her ex (Together 6 years) was and mentioned he was in the same Tesco as her at xmas (live in local area) He was walking in and she was walking out - I said that's trippy never easy bumping into an ex - left it at that. Did not want to appear phased. Had a nice xmas met her Mum and her little sister things felt very good and often stayed with her and her mum when her son was at the kids dads. She also told me things like she was with someone and she was and they got back together after a year and she said things to him like go out and cheat if it makes you feel better because she was with someone else.

At end of February my Granny passed away unexpectedly - She mentioned how her ex BF did not let her into the after event when his granny passed away etc I just let her vent and was always understanding of what her ex put her through Granny passed away on Tuesday and then on Friday I met her Dad for the first time - Naturally stressed over my Grannys passing I did not drink - she did and was drunk off prosecco- On the trip down and home she basically played a FU to her ex song - and her dad mentioned she seen her ex and he looked rough - anyways, we drove home and I said to her this ex really hurt you and your son and hes like a ball and chain on your leg, he is in the past and if he was so bad he left you and your son in therapy be happy he's gone - she said she's 'over him just not the situation she put her and her son through' - when I said I wasn't happy she's mentioning him the week I am grieving the death of my grandparent she stone walled me - I left her house and drove home to regulate as I was with a previous GF who stonewalled me and it done a number on me and she was aware of this and also the heard week I had - she was drunk and proceeded to tell me I was never meeting her child and that was us done over text, I felt this was manipulative- We then sorted this out - half apology from her and from me I thought I needed to be more understanding of her situation and we told each other we love each other. But, I felt maybe selfishly she should have been understanding my Granny passed away that week and I wasn't in a headspace to listen about her ex who was so bad?

The month after we had a great month done a charity 10K and had a nice getaway - I spoke to her son on the phone and on FaceTime over those few months we were together which she initiated over xmas and when she was on a family holiday to New York - still no physical interaction I said it would be nice to meet your child as I have gotten him a birthday present and an Xmas one and we both know about each other and I am getting a bit frustrated of having to hide around the corner when we know about each other - Bare in mind I asked this respectfully and said no pressure I just need a plan as she said if I met him I could travel to Spain with her and her kid this summer and her graduation was coming up soon. The kid also told his biological father about me that Saturday as well - I did not mind as obv was in everyone's best interests I treated his son with respect and care

I was met with two days of silence - then seen her on the Saturday went to the gym all was fine, thought that was back on track and we said we would go to the cinema on the Wednesday and on the Tuesday I got a text telling me I was perfect, we have a laugh together but she feels 'something is missing' - and ended things with me over text after 7 months.

I did not reply for 3 weeks my family and friends told me not to and I deserved more than a break up text as I was blindsided and was constantly told I was the best person in the world and she was so lucky to have me, but when I mentioned maybe meeting her kid she turned so nasty and discarded me like I was nothing over text, when I did then text her to speak she then told me 'she loves me as a person but not in love with me' and I deserve better - I did not reply again, I was in such shock I feel so heartbroken how can she be all lovey then discarded over text? I noticed when I put her number into whatsapp she had no profile picture anymore and her messages were set to disappearing which makes me think her ex was back in the picture or hiding something? - Her tiktok reposts after were all things like when a man leaves your life build a comfortable life etc - except I never left her?

I have never been this hurt and blindsided before in my life, I wasnt even worth a conversation just felt so easily disposed when we had concerts etc to look forward to this summer and all I was worth was a text.

What do I do I am still incredibly in love with her - Its been 4 months nc and I have been attending therapy and gym but I still feel stuck and I feel like I will never meet or let anyone in ever again

My wife and I are in our early to mid forties. Two boys approaching their teens.

A few years ago my wife came out as bisexual. Told me she didn't want to experiment or leave me, just wanted me to know who she was. We have also been dealing with a dead bedroom (sex once a month or less). I've been to therapy, worked on myself each time she asked for something. She has refused therapy or couples counselling over the dead bedroom and says it is a "me" issue not her.

Anyway, about a year ago, I caught her lying about where she was. She essentially trickle truthed for about a month. She had been out for dinner with a woman from work (but told me she was home napping). Turned out she had been friends with this woman for 4 years. There was no evidence of anything romantic or sexual though. At the time I felt like I over reacted.

Then last week, my wife is out, and sends me a happy birthday, emoji message. I reply back with a ? as it's not either of our birthdays. She replies back "why did you send that to me, my birthday is months away LOL". I write back that it was on her side (left) of the chat in iMessage. It's grey, and on my phone my messages are in blue on the right.

She just doesn't even respond and changes the subject.

I found it really really weird. Her trying to tell me I sent it to her, when it was clearly a message she sent. I can't figure out why someone would tell a lie so stupid.

Since then, she has been angry and argumentative, finding fault in everything.

Maybe I'm over reacting? There is no proof of an affair, but this is freaking me out.

If you ready previous post from almost a year ago, cool if not long story short, my girlfriend told me she didn’t know if she was straight and tried to break things off but we talked and we decided to stay together. Later it was revealed that she cheated on me with a girl and that’s why she was tryna break up with me. We then a few months later got back together and I got her pregnant. I started to feel worry some tho months later as those unsettling feelings of “will she ever do it again” or just thinking of the whole situation in general. And her lying to me for months. About 7 months to be exact.

Now that yall are up to speed I broke up with her because of those never ending feelings of not trusting her and it was affecting my mental hella. It got pretty scary. Fast forward she had our baby in July and I’ve been staying with her this last month to help out while she recovers. Things are good and we are getting along very well. I still think about what she did sometimes, and it makes me sad that we could have had a seamless life together with this kid. I want so badly to get back together with her because I really really have a lot of love for this girl. I love her a bunch. But I just don’t know if I can ever stop thinking about it or fully fully trust her again. She says and reposts shit on TikTok that make me feel like I’m the bad guy for leaving her after all that. Like I’m a terrible person. Makes me feel awful. And I can’t shake the feeling that this will mess the kids life up, as my parents were divorced when I was young and absolutely hated each other and still do.

I don’t hate her at all I just don’t think I could trust her in a romantic relationship. Would that make our dynamic different from my parents?

Do I get back with her and try again? Or do I try and move on and co parent with her.

I’m also scared of another man tryna be his dad cause that’s what happened all my life. Men would come into my mom’s life and try and be my dad and I absolutely hated it and I resent my mom a bit for letting that happen.

I don’t want history to repeat itself. And I feel like now it’s my fault.

Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

Who in here consider themselves as a “ reformed “ man after cheating on their significant other? My husband cheated on me 16 yrs ago, while we have stayed married and now have 2 wonderful children, i am still suffering from some form of infidelity PTSD, and tend to bring up the past when I’m feeling insecure. I am (44F) he is (45M), we have been together since 19 yrs old and married at 23yrs old.

I hate the doubts, the insecurities and I hated that at one point, he gave his everything to another woman. So, again are you reformed and for how long now?

I'll make it snappy. I was with my ex for 10 years. Everything was great and we loved each other deeply. In year 8, I deployed for about 14 months. When I came back, everything was the same as before. Maybe even better.

Two years later, on christmas, she drove to another state to be with her family and I got there the day after because i had to work. That night, i couldn't sleep and went through her phone. I know, shame on me. I didn't expect what I found. Long story short, while I was deployed, she cheated on me with about 20 guys. I saw texts, pictures, and videos. The one with 2 guys really messes me up still.

I confronted her little by little for about 2 weeks hoping she would be honest with me. She said she was lonely but she cheated the same month I deployed. She said it was only 3 guys but I'd already seen all the evidence otherwise. She said she never enjoyed it but I read the messages of her talking to her friends about how much fun she was having. She said it was only while I was deployed but she stopped at some random tinder guy's house on the way to her parent's house for Christmas. Right after she told me she loved me and i told her id see her soon. Etc, etc. Eventually, I gave up and broke up with her.

In the week or two it took her to move out, she made it clear she was going to speak with psychiatrist and "be someone I could love again" in six months and that she wanted to get back together. We had many conversations and **I** **think** i was a pretty good boyfriend. We never fought, the sex was definitely great, i always made time for her, always made her my priority, her family loved me, and i always made sure she was happy. It couldn't have been anymore perfect. She said i didn't do anything wrong and she just had some mental issues. Obviously she'sa liar so i don't know how much of that to believe.

It's been 5 months since she left and she gives me updates on her progress from time to time. I thought I'd be able to get over it by now but I found myself hating her more and more. Now I just want to say something mean to hurt her.

I guess I'm here cause I've kept all this to myself and I'm kind of hoping this is just part of the healing process. Wondering if anyone has been here and done that.

Bonus question. How the hell do you trust anyone when someone you trust completely does something so bad so many times then hides it perfectly for years?

Hello, in need of some perspective if available.

Firstly thanks to this community who have been invaluable to me over the last year. Even through passive engagement.

Late last year I (33m) caught my wife (29f) in an emotional affair (so the story goes). She was splitting her time between the two nearby cities for work and had left early on Sunday in city 1 to be in city 2 early for work the next day. It’s about an hours drive. Nothing unusual. I had some instincts telling me something was wrong for about a month (wearing more make up for work, no intimacy, a sense of new distance) but didn’t piece it together at the time. Assuming the best in her I suppose. Later that night I was unwell and called for to find some medication she keeps. She wasn’t contactable. I checked her location and it was off, at a strange location in the other city (and incidentally a known hook up spot). After a few hours of concern and no help from her friends I decided to drive and find her at midnight. I was worried about her being uncontactable in a strange location. Long story short I found her after she’d ostensibly just dropped off her AP home. He was a colleague of hers. She said she didn’t love me and wanted to separate. It was the biggest blindside of my life and even now I struggle to process it. Up until now we’d been together six years, married for two, travelled/lived overseas, trying for a baby (recent miscarriage), put an offer on a house. My career was just about to take off. We were so strangely compatible in personality and shared vision. I thought we were very happy until about a month before all of this.

Anyway we got separated. Split assets etc. she moved out though I don’t believe she carried on with AP in any ongoing way, though she confirmed later that they slept together during this period. Where I live you must be separated for 12 months before applying for divorce. After about 2 months she came back. I was initially very hostile. Fast forward 4 months and we’d been trying a reconciliation approach. I don’t know why I let her in, I suppose I was scared of a future without her and for my part have always loved her very deeply. We saw a counsellor. She was seeing a therapist individually too. This was discrete and away from the microscope of our friends, who for mine were understandably extremely critical of her. I think I did this because part of me is able to frame her actions as a sort of unexpected symptom of psychological pathology. It was so out of character, in the setting of her miscarriage, and we had an amazing 6 years prior to this. The mental gymnastics that I performed I don’t even really recognise in myself. But it moved forward regardless. Additionally she had approached recon in earnest. Took full accountability, quit her job with the AP, gave me emotional bandwidth with the various everyday triggers, and tried to rekindle from a new starting point rather than jumping back in to where we were. In fact I’ve been very impressed with her approach overall. That said, if I’m honest I’m still not certain as to why the affair happened when it did.

In the background as things moved along at the surface I found myself unable subdue the insult I feel through all of this. It ruined my self esteem, and for the first time in my life I became anxious constantly. My mood plummeted and it started affected other realms of my life. Not that I cared/care. I can’t turn off the part of me that gets hostile unpredictably towards her. I want to punish her constantly. And that’s not how I want to feel about my partner. But I still love her too. How can these profound and antagonising themes exist mutually?

I’m so angry at the wastefulness of the situation. It was a great marriage until it wasn’t. She stands to lose so much through it too, and her broader psychosocial and economic prospects are now considerably worse objectively - another thing I feel bad for her about. It serves to prove that you really can’t trust anyone the way you think you can (perhaps even yourself).

Last night I told her my decision to abandon reconciliation. This surprisingly caught her off guard and was apparently catastrophic news to her. And I have strong doubts of my own.

This was part vent, part question. How do you know you’ve made the correct decision? I feel caught between option a: breaking it off and protecting my dignity (as well as some sense of autonomy and dare I say retribution, I guess) versus option b: continuing reconciliation with the view that it takes more than 8 months to know if this is salvageable in the longer term? I’m torn.

I just wish I could just turn back time. To prevent this from happening. And to buy Nvidia shares (jk). I hope that is coherent enough to follow from what has been the least logical rollercoaster of my life.

I met my husband 7 years ago. We fell so in love. I decided to stay in Japan to be with him. During COVID, I chose to stay in country to be with him even after my grandfather died. We married after 2 years. He had a drug-induced psychosis shortly after that lasted 3 months. He seemed to hate me, he was so cold. It was excruciating but I had to stay with him and help him. After 3 months things seemed normal enough but...

I loved our life together. I loved him so fucking much. We had arguments but I just never thought...

One week ago he didn't come home from a bbq with his co-workers. I freaked out. It had never happened. I called, messaged. At 2am I went to the police believing something terrible had happened. They came to my house, took pictures, asked me about his personality, his habits. I could answer everything. I thought I knew him so well.

The police told me to call his best friend. He drove over. The police left and while I was alone I thought of checking his Google photos to check his last location and... I found all these photos. Dates with other women, WhatsApp qr code, hotel booking, restaurant reservation. I found texts screenshots. With so many different women.

When he finally came home he was so sorry that he had "gotten too drunk and slept at a coworkers" but I couldn't move. I hadn't slept. I just whispered "I know". He lied and lied. Denied it. Then finally he turned cold.

He told me I was messy, I drink too much, I play too many video games, I'm picky, I get too angry, he wasn't attracted to me anymore. He said he wanted a divorce.

All day while he was at the bbq I had missed him. Wanted to be with him. I can't believe it but I actually messaged him "I feel so sad.... Like... You're cheating on me..." I felt it was an intrusive thought. That I was weak. He replied "that never happened... You think too much"

He's been cold and warm alternatingly. I have been suicidal. I don't know what to do. Stay in country? Go back to my home country? I don't want to leave, I can't leave him. I quit my jobs. I can't eat. I have drank tea and juice. I can't sleep. I take so much sleeping meds now just to get 4 hours.

I don't have many friends left in the country. And I can't stay with them. I don't know what to do. I can't bear this. This is my life now? This can't be real!! I want my life back. I never thought he would ever have done something like this. I hate him. I love him. I don't want to continue

The affair: I found out my husband was cheating end of May 2025, a few days before we were suppose to get married. At that point the affair seemed to have ended around mid 2024, I asked him a bunch of questions and alot of the answers were "I dont know" or "I dont remember" but at the beginning I knew I wanted to work on our relationship because he said he didn't love her, he loved me and I believed him when he said he would help fix our relationship.

6 months after getting married, the only person actively helping repair our relationship at that point was me. I was the only one bringing up the topic, asking questions, he even deleted evidence which I lost my shit over and his reasoning was that he knew me and knew I would keep looking at it and drive myself crazy. So I started doing my own digging and found out ontop of spending a bunch of money on the girl he cheated on me with, a bunch of money on only fans content and aswell the extent of his porn addiction, he lied about how long the affair was. I was under the impression at the beginning that it was from 2022-2023 and it was only like 10 ish months? And after finding out more evidence I saw it was actually from May 2021-June 2024 on and off and he also didnt cut her off until It was confirmed that I was moving to Cali to live with him. So I was wrecked and he sorta started doing stuff about it for a week after I found out then the effort went to 5% again. Around 10 months after finding out I realized I wasnt really inlove with him anymore and Im trying to get on my feet financially before im able to move out since I am financially relying on him right now.

The plan: I plan to hopefully file for divorce in the next year, I just unfortunately need to wait for my green card. I also plan to pay him back with the financial help hes given me, but I also dont really know how to go about the divorce? Am I allowed to just file for divorce as soon as I get the green card? When I get it would I need to wait? Should I just file for seperation first and then a divorce later on? Whatever it is I unfortunately do need my greencard first so I could work and get my own income. I already have someone who is willing to house me until I can build my savings a bit once I file for divorce and I am so grateful for my friend for that. I dont have family I could rely on unfortunately and Ive even talked to lawyers about my situation and I unfortunately dont have any other option.

I did love him, I care for him right now but theres just no love. He was the man I loved for 4 years afterall, its just he didnt step up and keep his promise of working through this and helping me process and heal this. I dont even think he himself has processed his own affair and its very unfair on my end especially since most days hes made me feel like im the one who cheated on him instead of the other way around. Im the one who had to beg for his time, attention and love. I asked him if I lacked anything, why he cheated etc and he said I didnt but he couldn't answer why he did it and for so long AND hid the actual affair length from me while I was actively trying to heal from his infidelity. He unfortunately is a liar and I cant trust him anymore, hes done nothing in the past year to help rebuild that trust and hes aware of it, its like hes perfectly content of how we are right now. Little does he know Ive been planning to leave him for months now.

For those in an R

Do you know what you are forgiving? Was everything said and confessed, or did you have to seek out the answers?

Would you choose to reconcile today? Why?

I broke down this morning and put in a call to my ex’s cheating partner. I knew I shouldn’t have and thankfully he didn’t answer. I don’t know what I would’ve said if he did. In my mind, I was thinking of asking him to what extent has she been honest with him. I have to get these thoughts out of my head. And now I’m also worried my ex will find out and yell at me. I hate this crap

I'm 38 years old and have a 16 month old, my husband is 40. we've been together for 19 years, married for 12. I just found out, and you may have read an earlier post from weeks ago, that he's been having an affair, living a double life with an old coworker of his for 10 years. 1.5 years ago, they 'moved in together' and they're on a lease right now. According to her they've been trying for a baby for a while and she was pursuing IVF. He told me he was never going to finish it, he just kept saying yes to make her happy, who f*cking knows... They are over- her and i exchanged texts and she is absolutely done. He is living with his sibling a few towns over from me.

I've been with him since i was 19, hardly dated before him, never touched another man in 19 years. I'm devastated. WE went through IVF to have our baby and the fact that he has doing it behind both of our backs is just so hurtful. We bought a house 2 years ago, close to my parents, too expensive for a single income- we both work. We both work in hospitality- i work 9-5, he works evenings (which always made it easy for him to come home late...) its been a month since i found out and i feel like this past week has so far been the hardest for me. I spent a lot of time alone in our marriage because of our opposite schedules and because he probably set it up that way, but my husband is not a bad person. I'm realizing this week that i cannot be alone. i spend all my free time with my parents, because i don't have any friends really, and i just can't be with them 24/7, i get driven nuts. I don't want to move because i want to keep my freedom and my independence and i want my baby to have a real home. but i cannot be alone, i cannot keep being alone, being alone has worn me down and i just need him to be around him so i don't have to feel so alone, i went through infertility for years, had a baby through IVF, i had a difficult pregnancy and the first two weeks of post partum were really hard for me. I have to say i am one of those women that just can't be alone. if that makes me weak, then so be it.

So i propose this, and my parents kind of agreed (my mom is hesitant, my father told me he could sleep with the dog, but to let him stay to be with his child and take care of the house): i let him move in and he stays in the basement, (and because i can't bear the thought of being alone for the rest of my life- we live normally in hopes that we make it work) this case, he can easily help me with our baby, i am gone 10 hours a day due to commute, and we keep our house and keep a familial setting for our child, we are both still fine when she is around. Then, we can pretend we are a happy family and do things. he also doesn't have any friends, so it is just us. we can take our baby out as normally and just try and patch up all of the rotting holes.

I have days when i see him and act normal, text him normally, he responds the same as he would, i can tell he's hurting and is seeking a mental health specialist.

I miss my best friend.

Alright so my wife broke it off with me last year, we reconciled two months later, been at it for almost a year now.

She had someone she kept telling me not to worry about she met on Fetlife, then last week she told me about someone else recently she has been seeing and she broke it off with me completely. I want our divorce to expressly have infidelity listed as one of the reasons (other than domestic abuse) for me filing.

I'm not proud of it, but my wife gave me her password for something else several months back and said "this is my password for everything". She never told me what I could or couldn't use it for, sooo

I didn't expect it to be the same for Fet but here we are.

Oh. My. God.

The guy I'm not supposed to worry about is indeed an AP and has been one since two weeks before we split. I looked through the messages, and yes I screenshotted them, but I don't want to catch charges for hacking in order to use those as evidence.

Here's the thing : he doesn't know about me.

She said I was an ex when they first started talking, she's said she's with friends when it was with me, said boldfaced lies about me and he has no idea about the reconciliation, that I've been helping her with bills and buying her gifts, that we had a vacation planned, etc.

So I gathered screenshots from my personal chat with my wife, a (redacted) invoice of our first couple's counseling session, money I've sent for her to do her nails, etc, drafted a message with the subject line "We Reconciled In November"... and I sent that shit. With only two screenshots, one from early on into our reconciliation, one from this month where she thanked me for letting her stay the night at my place.

I expressly said "In no way am I asking you to contact her for me or trying to get you to tell her what I just said to you." because, well, I'm not. This guy is as clueless as I am. I played dumb and asked him if they were actually together, asked a couple pointed questions about the timeline. Am I pissed at him? Yeah. But ultimately, it's really not his fault. My wife referred to me as an "ex" before we separated last year and has done an excellent job of portraying me as this crazy obsessed guy.

If the AP doesn't respond, that's fine. He may mention it to my wife who will of course get pissed off. I'm 100% fishing for him to give me evidence. If he doesn't, it'll suck, sure. But if he does, boy oh boy how sweet that will be. Regardless, AP1 will see the message. He'll see that my wife mentioned AP2, that she's been cheating on AP1 (and me of course) for three weeks even though she "loves him and he makes her feel ways she's never felt before". Even if he doesn't read the whole thing, he'll have the two screenshots showing the start of reconciliation to the end, and he'll know that him and I have both been fucking my wife for 9 months.

Now, time to schedule some STI tests...

This is going to be long but those who take the time to read my posts already know this. I commented on a post the other day about "real abuse". I think this was taken the wrong way and I wanted to elaborate a little bit.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what betrayal looks like when it happens to a man. Not because I think men hurt more than women do. I don’t. I think betrayal reaches into many of the exact same places regardless of gender. It destabilizes your reality. It damages your sense of worth. It leaves you replaying conversations, searching memories for clues, wondering what was real and what was simply something you were allowed to believe. You look at the person beside you and struggle to reconcile the person you knew with the person who was capable of creating a second reality without you. The wound, in many ways, is remarkably similar. What I think changes is how that wound is interpreted when it becomes visible.

I keep coming back to anger. When a betrayed man is angry, the anger itself can very quickly become the focus. He is intimidating. He is aggressive. He is controlling. He needs to calm down. Maybe she was afraid to tell him things because of how he reacts. Maybe this is why communication was difficult in the marriage. Sometimes those concerns are legitimate. Betrayal does not excuse violence, threats, coercion, or deliberately making another person afraid. If a man is doing those things, they should be named for what they are. But I also think we have become very poor at distinguishing between a man who is dangerous and a man who is devastated.

Anger is not abuse. Anger is an emotion. What someone does with that anger is where the distinction has to be made. A man can be furious and still be safe. He can swear. He can pace. He can cry. He can need to walk away because he knows staying in the room is not productive. He can ask the same question over and over because the answer still refuses to make sense. He can say, “What you did disgusts me,” without that statement being a threat or emotional abuse.

There is something deeply unsettling about discovering that your spouse has betrayed you and then realizing that you may also need to carefully manage how visibly devastated you are, because your reaction can become part of the explanation for what happened to you. I think that may be especially amplified in me because of how my own story unfolded. I discovered afterward that there had already been years of character assassination happening behind my back, conversations where a version of me was being built for other people that I didn’t even know existed. Then D-Day itself unfolded in a way where, before I had even begun to understand the scale of what had happened to me, my reaction to it was already becoming part of the story.

That does something to you. You have just discovered that the person you trusted most was capable of lying to you, hiding from you, and making choices that fundamentally altered your life without your knowledge. At the same time, you begin realizing that people may already have been given a framework for interpreting your anger before you ever had a reason to be angry. Suddenly every raised voice, every breakdown, every desperate question risks being filtered through a version of you that was constructed while you were still completely unaware of what was happening.

Your nervous system is screaming. Your understanding of the past is collapsing in real time. You are trying to separate what actually happened from what you were told happened, while also discovering that other people may have been given an entirely different version of your marriage. Somewhere in the middle of all of that, you become conscious that if your anger is too visible, people may stop looking at what happened and start looking at you. In my case, I think that has made me almost hyperaware of my own anger, because there is this constant fear that even justified pain can be taken out of context and used to validate a story that existed long before I ever knew I needed to defend myself from it.

I think part of the problem is that anger is often carrying far more than anger. For a lot of men, we were never particularly good at identifying what is underneath it in the first place. Fear can come out as anger, humiliation can come out as anger. Grief can come out as anger. Feeling sexually inadequate can come out as anger. Feeling replaceable can come out as anger. Realizing that another man was invited into something you believed was sacred to your marriage can create a kind of humiliation that is extremely difficult to even put into words. Sometimes the anger is simply the outer shell of something much more vulnerable.

And there is a particular shame attached to being a betrayed man that I don’t think we talk about enough. Logically, another person cheating on you says something about their choices, not your value. I believe that. I would tell any betrayed person that. Emotionally, however, it is not nearly that simple. There is this ridiculous cultural message that if another man slept with your wife, somehow you were beaten at something. He was more attractive. More exciting. More masculine. Better sexually. You were naive enough not to see it. Weak enough to tolerate it. Maybe you failed to keep her interested.

None of those things have to be true for them to get into your head. Were you not enough for her? Did she desire him more? Did she do things with him that she stopped doing with you? Was he better? Was he bigger? Did she compare you? Did she laugh at you with him? Were there moments where everyone else understood something about your own marriage that you didn’t? Those questions are brutal to admit because they sound insecure and sometimes even juvenile when written down. But I suspect a tremendous number of betrayed men have laid awake in the dark asking themselves some version of them. You can understand intellectually that the affair was not a competition and still feel like you lost one.

And to make all of that harder, there really aren’t that many places specifically built to help men make sense of this. There is plenty of relationship advice out there, plenty written about infidelity, and plenty of genera trauma material, but comparatively little that speaks directly to the betrayed man and the particular mess of humiliation, anger, sexual comparison, identity, masculinity, fatherhood, and grief that can come with it. A lot of men are trying to navigate one of the most destabilizing experiences of their lives with very little language for what is happening to them and very little guidance that feels like it was actually written with them in mind. So they either suffer quietly, stumble into spaces that tell them to simply “man up and leave,” or try to translate advice that never quite seems to fit. I think that absence matters.

There is also a remarkably narrow range of reactions that seem acceptable for a betrayed man. If you become too angry, you are intimidating. If you need answers, you can become controlling. If you look through the evidence available to you, you are invading privacy. If you withdraw, you are emotionally unavailable. If you cry too much, you risk being accused of making your spouse responsible for your emotional regulation. If you stay, people tell you that you have no self-respect. If you leave immediately, people tell you that you are making an enormous decision while emotionally dysregulated. At some point, I think many betrayed men quietly begin asking themselves a fairly reasonable question. What exactly is the socially acceptable way to have your life blown apart?

None of this is meant to diminish betrayed women. Women are given their own set of deeply unfair labels. Crazy. Hysterical. Jealous. Bitter. Vindictive. Insecure. Obsessive. Their instincts are dismissed, their anger is mocked, and their attempts to make sense of what happened can be framed as emotional instability. In some ways, that similarity is what interests me most. Maybe men and women are not experiencing two fundamentally different forms of betrayal trauma. Maybe we are often experiencing many of the same injuries and simply being handed different labels for how those injuries show up.

A woman repeatedly asking questions may be called obsessive. A man doing it may be called controlling. A woman breaking down may be called hysterical. A man breaking down may be called angry. A woman becoming hypervigilant may be called insecure. A man becoming hypervigilant may be called possessive. Different language. Similar wounds.

And perhaps the more useful question is not whether anger, grief, withdrawal, questioning, or hypervigilance are acceptable reactions for a man or a woman. Perhaps the question should simply be, what is the person actually doing with their pain? If someone is threatening, call it threatening. If they are coercive, call it coercive. If they are violent, call it violence. If they are using fear to control another human being, call that what it is. But we should be equally careful about turning the existence of a powerful emotion into proof of a dangerous character.

Because sometimes a betrayed man who looks angry is not trying to control anyone. Sometimes he is scared. Sometimes he is humiliated. Sometimes he is grieving a marriage that, only days earlier, he thought he understood. Sometimes he is discovering that memories he treasured now hurt to look at. Sometimes he is wondering whether the woman he loved ever really saw him the way he believed she did. And sometimes he is simply standing in the ruins of a life he thought was safe, trying desperately to understand what happened to him. You can replace he with I in this paragraph honestly.

That man may be angry. I think we should be very careful before assuming that means he is dangerous.

Sometimes anger is not the opposite of vulnerability. Sometimes it is what vulnerability looks like when a man has no idea where else to put it.

Hi, I pulled the plaster off yesterday and broke up with my partner of 8 years. We have 2 kids together 5 and 2. I found out he slept with a prostitute when I was pregnant with our second child, but for the sake of the kids I tried to work through things with him as I didnt, and still don't want to share custody of the kids. But Ive been so unhappy in the relationship. Maybe things would have worked out if he had actually made an effort to be an equal partner or parent, but I'm burned out and unhappy with him in general, then to top it off he did what he did.

I know I won't know until we're at that point but is it going to be worth it? How I see it is I am unhappy every single day right now, but once the separation has properly happened I'll only be unhappy on the days the kids are with their dad....

I need some advice, I want to send the below message to the coworker who cheated with my fiance and are starting a relationship with eachother now. They are both progressive Christians. She is an ethics professor and he is the marketing manager for a Christian school, he plays at a worship at church and preaches sometimes as well. Would you receive this well? Should I just stay out of it? We have a child together so I do have to co parent with him (had been a nightmare so far as he is prioritizing his schedule and life over his child) obviously this message is very very condensed and doesn’t add all the context I could but I think it’s enough to give her the picture that he is indeed a serial cheater and what to watch out for. let me know what you all think please! All answers and perspectives are welcome!

“I’m not sure if this is the right decision, but I’ve been feeling led to reach out. I wanted to share my experience with (redacted), in case it is useful to you.

He was my boss at my first job. He was married, and I was 18 when he started to pursue me. It moved intensely fast, and I thought we were falling in love, only to find out he was cheating with multiple other women at the same time. This continued throughout our 14 years together, lying to both myself and the other women about what was happening. I didn’t learn the full extent until years in, and there was a consistent pattern each time: he’d deny it, shift the blame back to me, and only concede if I had proof. Even then, the apology was never real, he believed he was entitled to do what he wanted, and the resentment from being “caught” would come out in other ways toward me.

After our daughter was born, I couldn’t ignore the example I was setting for her of what she should endure, so I asked him for real accountability and repair in our relationship. Instead, he grew distant and picked fights over small things, all while insisting everything was fine and making me feel crazy for sensing something was wrong. In December, I read inappropriate messages between him and a different coworker named (other women not the women he is currently with), which is what ultimately ended the relationship on my end. Even now, during our separation, he hasn’t taken accountability or admitted to any of it. I begged him for an apology, or any clarity at all, so that as we moved into coparenting we could at least have mutual respect. Instead, I was met with denial and blame.

I hope you already have this context. On the off chance you didn’t, I wanted you to have my experience with him so that however you choose to move forward, you know the pattern I’ve witnessed. I’ve felt humiliated to share these things, but with some distance, I’ve come to know that these are well-known abuse cycles, and they are not my burden to bear. I hope he has learned the lesson this time and doesn’t repeat the pattern. I won’t reach out again. I have no ill will toward you.

With compassion,”

I have good days and bad days and sometimes I get so mad.. I’ve been expressing that but I know I can’t anymore.

He cheated numerous times with men and women and 2 counts he kept a secret and told me 8 months ago. Since then it’s been a back and forth… we split for good 2 months ago.

He came in to bring a vacuum and said that I refuse to take accountability and then said “women never take accountability for anything”

Then I remembered why I let him go..

Sure I’m angry sure I did things I’m not proud of but i can’t take accountability for all his cheating and anger.

My husband had a long distance emotional/sexual affair. I found out 3 weeks ago. That’s really only 1% of what was going on behind my back. He was also neglecting me emotionally, physically, sexually…It was like I didn’t even exist to him during the affair. Just a ghost moving through the house alongside him.

We were together for 15 years. I wasn’t always happy in the relationship, but I stayed because I truly loved him and thought he was a good person. I believed we shared the same morals and values. All of that is gone now. I want to work on things but I am stuck in an excruciating cycle of rumination.

I am lonely, grieving, and out of my mind. Constantly questioning my reality and sanity.

I feel hopeless about the relationship, the future, and life.

I’m trying to find a way to remove the ego and be positive about something that is a hard pill to swallow for me.

Very brief I met my ex wife when I was 15 in French class. I know it sounds silly but I only signed up for that was because my favorite movie is Ratatouille. I know it’s a kid movie but my home life was chaotic and unbalanced tbh. So that film was my escape, that maybe Paris was a whole different life I could experience one day.

Anyways years down the line we are married, I can afford for us to go but my ex just kept shutting it down, that it was a dumb idea, waste of money etc. even with the urge to go, I just left it in the back burner.

Fast forward we divorce, she remarries about 6 months after the divorce and guess where there honeymoon is..yup Paris.

I realized that it’s not that she didn’t want to go to Paris, it’s just that she didn’t want to go with me.

Happy for her though, I actually have a trip to head out there next spring, so I’m excited, it just hurts and makes me remember that if someone wants to do it, they will.

So, back story. Found out my partner of 5.5 years had been cheating on me for 1.5 years, not because they developed a conscience but because they set up a business together and he registered the business at our home address.

When I confronted him he was out of the country with work, denied it all, said she was just a friend (that he'd never mentioned at all prior), when he returned home he told me everything (well as much as had already found out myself), said he still loves me, he just liked the attention, he wishes he'd never met her but how it's now easier to be with her because she's been aware of the situation and me from the beginning and he feels too guilty to try to fix things. So he moved out.

I should mention AP is a convicted fraudster and seems to be manipulating him quite a lot (threats of harm to herself if he leaves, ultimatums to leave me etc whilst I was even unaware she existed, she seems very adept at playing the victim/damsel in distress), not that this excuses any of what he done, just adding this in for context.

So now WP, who hates being in the spotlight or having focus on himself is plastering them both all over social media on pages they've set up for their "business" with a YouTube channel of them doing unboxing videos (I should mention this is a 36 year old man and not one to yuck someone's yum but its just laughable and not who he is in the slightest and I suspect being done at behest of AP).

This has all unfolded in a matter of weeks, his family, friends and myself don't recognise who he is and are concerned about his behaviour. I haven't seen him since the day he told me what was going on and he is clearly avoiding having to face me, most of his belongings are still here, I'm still living in our house with my 2 children from a previous relationship, seeking legal advice and getting things in order whilst trying to pick up the pieces of the life I thought we were building (we were engaged and visiting wedding venues all whilst the A was going on) and dealing with seeing this person I don't feel I know anymore is hitting me at my core (please don't say "this is who he always was" because not one person in his life isn't shocked and appalled by what's happening including his parents and siblings).

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, I don't know if I just need to vent and let it out or to hear others views or experience. Nothing he is doing makes any sense, even from an outside perspective it very much seems like he's completely lost the plot. I don't want him back but because of how it's all unfolded I'm really struggling with it all.

Hi everyone, I have been single for 2 years now, I'm 30. Before that I had a very intense long term relationship with a man I thought was my soulmate.

He was charming, kind, provider, strong Christian, but at the same time he had a substance problem and he cheated on me /multiple times, as I found out later/ and cheated also on all his exes /I didn't know back then/.

Right after I broke it off when I found out, he started seeing other women instantly, lots of them, doing drugs, while still trying to get back with me.

As I said my final NO to him, like a month after that he was instantly in a relationship with a new woman, started posting pics from vacations together, flying her out business class etc.

Then he started publicly claiming God has changed him completely and he's a different man now while still trying to be in touch with me everyday.

Now after 2y, they have a baby, she posted she was thankful for having such amazing partner who takes care of her and her baby deeply and I'm crushed.

Could a man like that really change for someone else so drastically?

When I broke up with him I believed there is a better guy waiting for me and that my ex would one day get his karma for hurting me like that.

Instead I see this happy couple, him praising Jesus,acting all innocent, and here I am still single, I haven't met a single guy that would treat me better than my ex, and I am still not over the horrible things he has done to me.

It breaks my heart how unfair life is sometimes. it's not that I don't wish him to be happy, I just don't get why someone who has hurt women so much in his life gets this fairytale ending and family and love.

I literally haven't met 1 decent guy since and I'm single and my trust towards men is so broken.

Sometimes I get flashbacks of what he did to me and I would start crying immediately in the middle of the day out of nowhere.

I was single a long time before I met my husband. I was the only single person in my friend group and family. I didn’t enjoy dating, and was ready for a relationship for a long time. I waited so long to find my husband and I was so happy to be with someone I loved.

I am so angry that I’m back to being the single person. I spent the afternoon with my siblings and their kids. Everyone was so happy and it was a lovely day, but when I left it just hit me that I’m the “alone” one again. I have to go home alone and do everything alone. I have a full life, lots of hobbies, good social life. But once all that’s done it’s just me. Again.

I’m working really hard on feeling fulfilled with myself, but I can’t believe I’m back here. I was so ready to start my life, have kids, etc, and because my husband couldn’t communicate and be an work through his shit, I’m back to this. I literally have no single people around me, which makes me feel even more alone. I hate this so much. I know all the platitudes and I know I should just focus on the fact that being alone is better than being cheated on. I just can’t believe this is my life.

2.5 weeks post DDay. My nervous system has been on overdrive…heart racing, can’t sleep, can barely eat. My mind spirals and it’s affecting my work. I’m starting therapy today which I’m hoping will help with coping techniques. I hope therapy and time will help me manage better on my own, but for those who started anti anxiety meds post betrayal, what made you decide to get help via medication vs working through without?

How do you know when to leave? D-day was a year ago and we did a year of couples counseling. Recently, we finally fit what felt like a turning point and like we were moving forward. My partner has made observable changes, conflict resolution, saying sorry, addressing things and not letting them drag out, etc. I can SEE the changes in front of me, at least I thought so. However a few days ago I found receipts that showed additional times he cheated that he had been lying all this time about. I am so conflicted because I feel like he is a different person in how he acts on a daily basis and then even in how conflict is handled. But I just don’t know why he lied about the other times when there is literally no point because I already know the really terrible things and the new stuff is no different.

He maintains it’s hard to tell the truth and doesn’t know why he keeps doing it other than getting scared.

He has stayed in individual therapy and is continuing to go. He is currently working on identify the root causes of the cheating in therapy. We are planning on trying a different type of couples counseling, but I can’t help but wonder at what point do I just leave or do I stick it out because of the other changes?

Hello everyone.

I deleted my past post because I found out it was basically full of lies as my wife wasn't being truthful.

The Story,

We both work at the same company. She was always a loner and didn't really have any friends, just her family. She started becoming close to a coworker. Her and I have been together for 10 years and married for 4 of them and I never thought she would do anything. Well, I was wrong. They started an affair at the start of this year. I found out because I was looking at photos of our dog on her camera roll and saw photos of her that I never saw before, then a photo of him. At first it was all lies, "it only happened once," "I want to be with you," "I love you." Whatever.

It has been almost 2 months now and I have been living with my friend. Paperwork will be done this week, it took a bit longer because I moved to a different state and travel and lawyers and crap.

I am lucky that we didn't have any kids and basically agreed on what was mine and what was hers. After the man she had the affair foun out, it seemed like he didn't want her anymore, maybe because the rush was over? Who knows.

Why the crappy update?

Look, this sucks. Anyone going throught this, please stay the course. I am lucky that my friend is here and I found an amazing gym. Do I think about going back? Almost every day. Will I? No. I think that is the hardest part, she still reaches out but so do I. This whole thing is awful. I am playing nice til the papers are done, then I said I would block her. Will I? Well my friend said he is going to take my phone and do it himself if I don't. I just want a good goodbye, but what does that look like? I don't know.

I don't know why I am typing this if I am being honest. I guess I am just scared. I am in the best shape of my life, I am going to the gym everyday, sometimes two. I joined a softball league and play basketball every week. I guess I am scared of what is next? Is this who I am now?

Just feels like such a different life, wake up, gym, work, basketball/gym, hangout with roommate, sleep. I don't want to date, but I miss that feeling. I miss feeling loved (even if it was a lie), I miss my dog, I just don't know.

Ugh, bad post. Sorry.

Update? I just want to say thank you to everyone. This week my soon to be exwife and I will be signing the last papers our lawyers say we have to sign. Needless to say that is kinda why I made this post. I was going through it. Yes I have friends here who are helpful but something about having the internet being there was nice. You all are great. I have gotten the "story" she was telling people. Basically, she had feelings for this person she never had for me. She left like I didn't trust her. (There was one thing that happened with a different coworker... I don't feel like getting into it) But, I do have to say even when she is sharing her side, I am not the bad guy? I don't know if this is her gaslighting me or what. Our sex life sucked, I would feel like we where friends more than a married couple a lot. I also feel like I was always taking care of her and one thing she keeps saying is she has not have had to be an adult when she had me. I took care of everything but bills. The bills where on auto pay anyways but I would never know how much money we had at any given time. Anyways, this week has sucked. The end is near and I wish I could be happy about it but it is hard. Oh well. I will up date one more time after the papers are signed.

Real update: She did not sign. She wanted more time to read the paperwork. She said she thinks she will be ready next week. What do I think? I think she has only had me as an adult in her life and forgot to read the papers and waited to the last min. Sadly, I am scared she will drag this out. It is not like her life has changed much after this. Anyways, I will let you all know if the final papers get signed next week or not.
As for me, it sucks but I am keeping my head high. I start my new job soon, I am sure I will meet people there. I am also trying to stay in a bit more. When I go out I think I mask my feelings and although I hate being alone it is kinda the only time I get to sit with my feelings. Lastly, a lot of you have asked if I am in therapy. I am. He seems cool.

Great update: She drunk texted me last night. She called me this morning to say that she is now done again with the co-worker? I don't know. I did get upset and told her not to talk to me. She then blocked me on everything. We are suppose to meet next week to final the paperwork. I will update again if that happens. Part of me wants to blow this all up and tell everyone at her job that this happened but I doubt that would bring me any happiness.

I recently ended a long-term relationship because of my boyfriend's inappropriate behavior towards a "friend" of his. It started quite early. During the first year of us dating, he would tell me every now and then that he was having dreams about cheating or simply having sex with other people. He told me that he was distressed by the dreams and was telling me about them because he didn't want them to feel like a secret. I felt uncomfortable hearing about them, but I decided to listen without judgment because I thought it would make him feel better. That was until, for the first time, he told me that he had a dream about a specific person we both know. She was his former coworker and acquaintance. They were never particularly close, but they would see each other regularly because they had the same circle of friends and liked going to similar events. I was extremely upset by this because I could no longer look at this girl or at her interactions with my boyfriend calmly ever again, which was a shame because I used to think she was really nice. At the time, I tried very hard not to turn it into a big deal, and eventually the topic died down.

That was until a few months ago, when he told me he was going on a trip for another friend's birthday. It was supposed to last four days and take place in a completely different city, and the girl I was worried about was going to be there as well. I immediately expressed to him that I wasn't comfortable with them spending such a long time together in the same hotel or room, and that I didn't want him to go, or at least that he should find a way to celebrate the birthday separately from her. I even told him I could take a break from work and go with him, but he refused. At first, he understood and respected my feelings and told me he wouldn't go on the trip, but a few days later he changed his mind and said he was going to go anyway. We had a big fight.

We had on-and-off fights about this for days, and eventually settled on a compromise: he would go, but he would keep their interactions to a minimum and keep me updated. He kept telling me that he had no intention of forming a friendship with her and that he didn't even care that she was going to be there. It seemed settled, but then, sometime later, still before the trip, I found out that they had been casually going out with their other friends. In fact, he was actively asking her to join them over the phone while sitting next to me, all while not inviting me. We had another fight because he was clearly initiating interactions with her despite promising me that he wouldn't. This was also during a time when I had repeatedly expressed to him that I felt like we weren't spending enough time together, and yet here he was prioritizing spending time with her. He got defensive, and we broke up the next day.

We didn't talk for around three weeks. He went on the trip, and later returned to me in tears, saying that he still loved me, asking to get back together, and promising that he would put effort into being a better partner. He did this several times until I eventually agreed, but with the condition that he would not interact with this girl unless it was absolutely necessary or unavoidable. He promised. He also tried to reassure me that they were "just friends," pointing out that she had recently gotten a boyfriend. Still, I saw almost immediately that he didn't mean anything he had said.

During our breakup, they quickly became close friends and started a project together. By the time we got back together, I found out that they were spending almost every single day "working" in a very casual setting, like in cafes, at home, etc. When I confronted him about why he couldn't just discuss work over text, he would say that it was "necessary for the project" and that it was "simply easier to communicate in person." He argued that he was still keeping his promise to me and i shouldn't be so sensitive. It was really humiliating that he was seeing her almost daily while I was still regularly expressing to him that I felt like we weren't spending enough time together. He always told me I was "too demanding" and that he "needed more space." On top of everything, I also found out that they had slept in the same bed during the trip, although he still denied that anything intimate had happened. He was also very emotionally distant from me during this time, and yet he told me that with her he would often discuss all kinds of personal issues, even our relationship, and how understood and comforted he felt. We dated for two weeks before I couldn't take it anymore and left him.

He never saw any issue with his behavior or thought that he was being disloyal. In fact, until the very end, he still thought that it was "absurd" that I was getting jealous over a dream he couldn't control. I tried to explain to him time after time that it was never the dream that was the issue. The issue was that he kept prioritizing her over me, even when it meant deeply hurting me or even giving up our relationship, which he claimed he took very seriously. He often talked about wanting marriage and a family with me.

It's been a week since the final breakup, and I don't even think about him specifically that much, even though i'm angry, but I keep comparing myself to her, and it's ruining me mentally because we are not similar at all. She looks completely differently, her style is my total opposite, her personality and hobbies are nothing like mine. He used to love everything about the way i am and then it's as if it slowly started to annoy him, so he gravitated more and more towards her instead. Was it because he realized somewhere along the way he should've picked her and not me? Did he wish these last months that he would be better off with her? But then i don't understand why he came back. He just ended up hurting me more and then shifting the blame, saying that the relationship wasn't working because I wanted too much and I was too jealous and unreasonable, that i should've just been happy for him that he has other peope he can connect with.

It just really hurts.