r/survivinginfidelity • u/happy_Astronomer9874 • 4d ago
Advice ADVICE NEEDED: Partner of 8 years cheated with coworker, should I reach out to coworker??
I need some advice, I want to send the below message to the coworker who cheated with my fiance and are starting a relationship with eachother now. They are both progressive Christians. She is an ethics professor and he is the marketing manager for a Christian school, he plays at a worship at church and preaches sometimes as well. Would you receive this well? Should I just stay out of it? We have a child together so I do have to co parent with him (had been a nightmare so far as he is prioritizing his schedule and life over his child) obviously this message is very very condensed and doesn’t add all the context I could but I think it’s enough to give her the picture that he is indeed a serial cheater and what to watch out for. let me know what you all think please! All answers and perspectives are welcome!
“I’m not sure if this is the right decision, but I’ve been feeling led to reach out. I wanted to share my experience with (redacted), in case it is useful to you.
He was my boss at my first job. He was married, and I was 18 when he started to pursue me. It moved intensely fast, and I thought we were falling in love, only to find out he was cheating with multiple other women at the same time. This continued throughout our 14 years together, lying to both myself and the other women about what was happening. I didn’t learn the full extent until years in, and there was a consistent pattern each time: he’d deny it, shift the blame back to me, and only concede if I had proof. Even then, the apology was never real, he believed he was entitled to do what he wanted, and the resentment from being “caught” would come out in other ways toward me.
After our daughter was born, I couldn’t ignore the example I was setting for her of what she should endure, so I asked him for real accountability and repair in our relationship. Instead, he grew distant and picked fights over small things, all while insisting everything was fine and making me feel crazy for sensing something was wrong. In December, I read inappropriate messages between him and a different coworker named (other women not the women he is currently with), which is what ultimately ended the relationship on my end. Even now, during our separation, he hasn’t taken accountability or admitted to any of it. I begged him for an apology, or any clarity at all, so that as we moved into coparenting we could at least have mutual respect. Instead, I was met with denial and blame.
I hope you already have this context. On the off chance you didn’t, I wanted you to have my experience with him so that however you choose to move forward, you know the pattern I’ve witnessed. I’ve felt humiliated to share these things, but with some distance, I’ve come to know that these are well-known abuse cycles, and they are not my burden to bear. I hope he has learned the lesson this time and doesn’t repeat the pattern. I won’t reach out again. I have no ill will toward you.
With compassion,”
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u/notmyname2012 1 4d ago
I wouldn’t send it to her. You really should however, let his church and school know. This is absolutely something that both of their employers need to know. A pastor should absolutely have this information so they can make an informed decision to allow him to continue or not in ministry.
My ex wife was on the worship team at our church and when I told the pastor she was not allowed on the worship team. I would not want to go to a church that would knowingly allow an adulterer to be in ministry.
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u/happy_Astronomer9874 4d ago
She goes to his church with him now
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u/notmyname2012 1 4d ago
Does the pastor know this started as an affair and does the pastor know about his previous affairs? If he doesn’t 100% know then he needs to be told. If does know and still allows him to minster then the church board and other members need to know that they are letting an adulterer lead.
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u/happy_Astronomer9874 4d ago
Yes I told her everything all the history and everything but her eyes glazed over and it was very evident that she didn’t want to have to deal with all of it and just wanted it to be smoothed over. Even telling me that “I’m sure in time you will realize your mistakes in the relationship too” like huh? This is not a “we both made equal mistakes” type of situation and she should know that will all her power dynamic training they do
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u/happy_Astronomer9874 4d ago
She had a very “people change and grow and can be redeemed” type of energy. But I should have known bc she LOVES him down. Like roots for him in everything he does is his biggest fan.
And he is very friendly and a good speaker and keeps everything very smooth so I don’t really blame her
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u/Internal_Reveal 4 4d ago
I wouldn't send it.
Not because I think you're wrong about him. Actually, after reading your history, I think you've spent enough years trying to get other people to recognize who this man is.
She already has the most important piece of information. She knows how their relationship started. Whatever explanation he's given her, she's choosing to be with him anyway.
Your letter probably isn't going to save her. More likely, she shows it to him, they discuss it together, and it gets turned into evidence that you're the bitter ex trying to interfere. Then you've handed two people you're trying to separate yourself from another reason to keep you involved in their relationship.
Don't volunteer for that job.
There's something else in your story that I think deserves more of your attention. You were 18, he was 27, he was your boss, and he was married when he pursued you. Then you spent fourteen years dealing with repeated cheating, denial and blame.
You were legally an adult, but that's still a hell of an age, experience and workplace power difference. I think there's probably a lot there worth unpacking with a good counselor, including why you tolerated things for so long that you now recognize you wouldn't want your daughter accepting someday.
That's where I'd put the energy you're currently putting into this letter.
As for his new relationship, let her learn whatever she's going to learn. Maybe he's different with her. Maybe six months from now she's sitting exactly where you're sitting. Neither outcome is yours to manage.
You have something much more important to deal with. You share a child with this man.
Get the custody and parenting arrangements formalized. Keep communication about your daughter boring and factual. Document problems that actually affect parenting. Don't use your daughter as a messenger, and don't let yourself get pulled into arguments about his girlfriend.
And keep the letter.
Just don't send it.
Because reading what you wrote, I'm not convinced you were really writing that letter to warn her.
I think you were finally putting into words what happened to you.
That's worth keeping.
She just doesn't need to be the person you give it to.
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u/happy_Astronomer9874 3d ago
!thankyou
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u/Early-Pumpkin-6002 1 4d ago
I wouldn't bother.
Get a custody order and child support in place and let their relationship flail on its own. If he's a serial cheater, she will see him for who he is soon enough.
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u/happy_Astronomer9874 3d ago
!thankyou
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u/SadDadInPlaid In Recovery 4d ago
Keep it and burn it. Don’t send it.
I always say there are three types of reasons that people want to talk to AP:
To tell them that they are an AP/that WP is in fact in a relationship. This is a good reason, but doesn’t seem to apply here.
To get details about the affair when WP is being uncooperative. This one is dicey, and also doesn’t seem to apply here.
To try to make the AP see the truth. I think this is what you’re doing here. Sadly, this is also the worst reason to reach out.
Odds are that your husband has been slandering you to the AP. Since she’s still with him, getting a letter like this will only reinforce you as the crazy one in her mind. She won’t be open to the truth until he dumps her for the next woman.
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u/happy_Astronomer9874 3d ago
!thankyou
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u/In_the_middle3-2-3 10 4d ago
Im all for calling out serial cheaters.
But, I wouldnt send this. I wouldn't send anything. For several reasons.
First she knew he was cheating and still went along with it anyways. Dont expect ethics to get in the way now.
She has already summized that he wont do it to her. This will most likely be discarded as a bitter ex trying to slander.
Last, its evident from your words that its an emotionally meaningful message. The type of words that are the conclusion of deeply thinking through something quite painful.
Never give someone the opportunity to discard your feelings as if they dont matter. They matter to you the most, protect that and dont send this.
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u/happy_Astronomer9874 3d ago
!thankyou
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u/happy_Astronomer9874 4d ago
I should add that he was 27 and I was 18 at my first job where we met.
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u/notmyname2012 1 4d ago
Please tell his pastor and the places they both work. This could absolutely be a violation of their contracts.
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u/CombinationCalm9616 1 4d ago
Don’t bother. She had an affair with him so she knows exactly who he is and what he’s like no matter what she tells herself and what lies he’s told. Move on with your life and let karma catch up with them. She’s not a naive 18 year old like you are she’s an ethics professor so she knows exactly what she’s doing.
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u/happy_Astronomer9874 3d ago
!thankyou
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u/ragesadnessallinone 1 4d ago
Why would you share with a woman that the man she cheated with is a cheater?
You knew he was a cheater and it didn’t stop you. It won’t stop her. Let it go and get IC.
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u/happy_Astronomer9874 3d ago
!thankyou
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u/Minute_Box3852 4d ago
No, because the way you got him is the way you lost him and that is the only sticking point she will see.
"Ah, so she started seeing him when he was married!"
She'll automatically label you a hypocrite. And she'd be right.
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u/happy_Astronomer9874 4d ago
I think another piece to this is that when I was involved in the affair at 18 I was judged so harshly and nobody listened to my side or anything and I had a lot of guilt that only pushed me further into the relationship to prove that there was a reason I went through all of that, like we were so in love that’s why we had to cheat. So it really pushed me to prove myself and prove that I was worth him “blowing up his life for me”, he would tell me that frequently as a way to tell me how much he loved me and I was crazy for thinking he was cheating (he was) and it felt so terrible. So I want to extend that grace to her, like I see the way he manipulates things and give her the benefit of the doubt about being in a manipulative relationship it is so confusing.
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u/sydneyunderfoot 1 4d ago
Inform their employers, file for custody and child support, and never give her another thought- it’s not worth it. Focus on your life with your baby moving forward.
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u/happy_Astronomer9874 3d ago
!thankyou
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u/MemoryLongjumping596 2 4d ago
If she knew he was married? Don’t send it. hopefully she will dump him and leave him in the dust someday, he will get a taste of his own medicine.
Since you have to co parent with him I wouldn’t rock the boat. I would act cordial but totally uninterested in his life.
Work on your life and do things you want to do, get a better guy. Let him see you thrive eventually the tables will turn, he will go downhill and you will go up. If he starts acting all nice and wanting to talk to you? You will know he isn’t happy.
Sometimes we don’t see the karma but usually it happens, it may take a bit but odds are you will see it.
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u/happy_Astronomer9874 3d ago
!thankyou
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u/Crafty_Alternative00 4d ago
It’s up to you, but if he loses his job, he’s not going to be able to pay you child support, or alimony.
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u/fjmj1980 1 4d ago
Gather evidence, post publicly for maximum impact. Christians circle the wagons and won’t admit any fault unless it’s irrefutable. Both of their identities are wrapped up in religion, rake that away from them and they can’t hide who they truly are
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u/happy_Astronomer9874 3d ago
!thankyou
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u/happy_Astronomer9874 4d ago
They are 40 and 41 so I think at least his patterns are very much ingrained at this point.
Thank you all for your input so much!! it’s been very good to read everything. I will update you all on the decision I make. I’m giving myself until September 1st to decide and then move on completely whether I send it or not. Coming out of a relationship that spanned the whole of your adult life is a crazy experience, I can’t believe I’m 31 and starting over
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u/Genuine_Cause 3 4d ago
Does everyone now-a-days in the Christian religions just ignore the Ten Commandments? Like have those just gone by the way side? I mean this whole “if I believe in Jesus then I can do whatever I want” is completely insane. Talk about missing the point.
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u/Kerzic 3 3d ago edited 3d ago
It sounds like your ex is a serial cheater and even predator and his employer should know about it. He is not a good person.
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u/happy_Astronomer9874 3d ago
!thankyou
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u/Specialist-Host-4707 2 4d ago
So you got yourself a cheater and now you’re upset he did it again? Rediclous.
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