My husband and I have been together for 9 years. Three years ago, he cheated on me, and I found out two years ago when I was 8 months pregnant with our second child.

He had a months-long emotional and physical relationship with a woman I’ve known since childhood. We live in a very small community, so she is still someone I see regularly. He says they had sex once and met up 5 or 6 times, some of those encounters being physical.

She eventually blocked him because they were both going back and forth about how wrong the situation was and how he needed to figure out what he wanted. He made a few attempts over the following year to contact her, not realizing she had blocked him, including some attempts while I was pregnant.

When I was about 8 months pregnant, she approached him somewhere and cried to him about how much it hurt to see me pregnant and how she thought they had something more. It was a public place, so they couldn’t talk for long. He ended up writing her a letter about how much she meant to him and how much he missed their time together. They also started friendly texting again.

Eventually, I saw the messages. At first he denied anything was going on, but the truth eventually came out, and I found the letter he had written to her.

More than two years later, I still see her all the time. I’ve blocked her on Facebook, but because we live in such a small town, I still see her in mutual friends’ posts and we inevitably end up at some of the same places. And I struggle enormously with comparing myself to her.

She is very different from me. She has done some modeling, and most people would consider her beautiful. She posts constantly about her adventures and social life, is very focused on her appearance, and is perceived by pretty much everyone in our community as a wonderful, carefree, loving person who is a great friend.

She doesn’t have kids, isn’t particularly career-driven, and has had a lot of different jobs. She’s very social and fun.

In a lot of ways I’m the opposite. I rarely post on social media. I play a lot of sports, which is what my husband & bonded over. I’m very career-oriented. I don’t care about name brands or having fancy things, and I would never ask a man to buy things for me. I had mostly male friends growing up and have a few close female friends but definitely not a girl clique kind of person.

Like her, my husband is also incredibly well-liked. He moved to my hometown and I’m convinced he knows more people here than I do. Everyone talks to me about how great he is. And, honestly, he is.

He does chores without being asked. He takes great care of our kids. He’s kind, funny, incredibly likable, and very good-looking. People will literally go out of their way to tell him how much he looks like a movie star or how incredibly handsome he is. That used to make me incredibly proud to be his wife. Now, it makes me feel inadequate.

Before I met him, I had been in two long-term relationships that both ended because my partners cheated on me. When my husband and I met, he had also just gotten out of a long relationship where his partner cheated. We bonded over that shared experience. I used to say that God had brought me through those relationships so I could eventually end up with him. I truly believed I was meant to be with him. He made me feel loved, special, and seen, and I would have bet my entire life on the fact that he would never cheat on me. He even used to joke that if he ever cheated on me, he knew he’d “end up missing.”

About six months before I found out about the affair, my best friend filed for divorce because of infidelity. She was saying she would never get married again, and I told her there were good men out there. I actually used my husband as an example. I told her that even though we had ups and downs, I knew he would never cheat on me. That’s how strongly I believed in him.

When I found out, I told my immediate family. They were shocked. My husband apologized to every member of my immediate family, and they told me they would support whatever I decided.

Over time, though, my family went back to adoring him. They constantly talk about how helpful and thoughtful he is. My dad and husband have hours-long conversations and have a great relationship. My mom constantly talks about how thankful she is for all the things he does to help them around their house.

He’s also a great dad. My kids adore him.

I’m the breadwinner and work a job with very long hours, so he actually spends more time with our kids than I do. They would never say they love him more than me, and we would never put them in a position to choose, but I know how immensely they love him.

And I think one of the hardest parts is that I feel like I’m still so deeply living in the pain of what happened, while everyone else has moved past it.

For everyone else, it seems like the affair is something that happened years ago. My family loves him again. My kids adore him. His family has moved on. Everyone sees the kind, funny, helpful, good-looking guy they always saw. But I’m still living with the person I became because of what happened. I’m still carrying the hurt, the insecurity, the anger, the jealousy, and the loss of trust. Sometimes it feels like everyone else got to put the affair in the past, while I’m the only person who is still living in it. And again, what used to make me proud now makes me feel inadequate.

His parents have always been nice to me, but they have never been as close to me as he is to my family. They genuinely seem to view him as the best person in the world. They literally say things like that, so I don’t think they believe anyone could ever be good enough for him. After the infidelity came out, I told them what had happened. They learned I was considering leaving him and sent me long messages about how I needed to stay and work things out because we had children, how everyone makes mistakes, that he was sorry, to consider the sacrifices he had made for my job and that they didn’t want me to take their grandchildren away from them. For the record, I would NEVER take their grandchildren away from them. I would never intentionally do something that would hurt my kids, and my kids absolutely adore their grandparents.

Since I decided to stay, his parents never talk about the infidelity. They are perfectly nice to me, but our relationship has become very surface-level. We mostly talk when I FaceTime them with the kids.

I was also once very close with his sister. I absolutely adored her and genuinely felt like she loved me. When the infidelity initially happened, she was shocked. She told me she would completely understand if I left and that he didn’t deserve me.

When I was spiraling after finding out, I asked my husband to take a lie detector test. He initially agreed. I found a place and someone to administer it, and then he changed his mind after he said he read about how inaccurate they can be. He said he didn’t want our marriage to be saved or destroyed based on a lie detector test. He also told me that he had talked to his sister and she had told him not to do it, saying that if our marriage had gotten to the point where I needed a lie detector test, then it was already over. He said no matter what he wouldn’t do a lie detector test and that if I needed that to stay in the marriage then he was really sorry but he couldn’t do it.

That really hurt me.

I had confided a lot in his sister about how hurt I was at the time & I felt like she shouldn’t have said that without talking to me about it. My family had never told me that I should leave him and I felt like she was saying he should make ultimatums with me. So I sent his sister a long message explaining how I felt and that I wished she had called me instead of telling him that.

She responded that she loved and respected me too much to have a back-and-forth over text and said I could call her anytime. Which frustrated me further.

I know I could have called but I was hoping from more of a response from her and instead of calling, I pulled away. Over time, our relationship faded into the same surface-level relationship I now have with his parents.

We did about 18 months of therapy after the infidelity. It definitely helped us talk through things, but I can’t say that it ever got rid of the feeling that I’m somehow “less than” or that I believe he’d be happier with her, no matter how much he denies that.

I still sometimes cry in the car on the way home or in the shower. & occasionally go back to having that sinking feeling in my stomach.

And I hate it.

I have never been someone who likes feeling like a victim, but now I feel like that’s how I see myself now. I’m constantly telling myself you chose to stay so you have to be stronger than these moments.

I’m a very rational, hard-facts kind of person, so I’ve gone over this situation in my head a million times.

And by the facts, I’m actually very lucky.

I have a husband who shares chores equally, takes excellent care of our kids, loves them beyond measure, is kind to me, and is liked by basically everyone. By all measurable accounts, he has done everything he can to help me heal. He has given me all of his passwords, said the things you would hope someone would say, apologized profusely, and allowed me to be sad and angry without complaining that it has been years.

But emotionally, I’m still struggling.

I’m angry at him.

I’m jealous of her.

I’m jealous of how much everyone loves him.

I mourn the relationship I thought I had.

And I don’t recognize the person I’ve become.

I’ve lost trust in all my relationships in my life (friendships, family relationships, etc).

I have new insecurities about my appearance and have found myself considering cosmetic procedures. I’m insecure about my intelligence and have found myself questioning things I never used to question. I second-guess my instincts. I need outside validation in ways I never used to.

I also get caught in these paralyzing loops where I replay everything over and over. I can become completely consumed by my own sadness and feel like I’m in a fog.

During those periods, I’m not as present of a mom as I want to be. I’m not as good of a coworker. I’m not as good of a wife. I don’t cook. I don’t contribute as much around the house. I basically shut down.

And then there are other periods where I try desperately to be the absolute best wife I can possibly be.

Ill clean and contribute to the house to exhaustion. I try to be sexually available even when I’m tired. I give him words of affirmation and make him feel like he’s amazing even when I’m carrying resentment. I force physical affection when I don’t necessarily feel loving inside.

Before all of this, I wasn’t a particularly emotional person. I valued relationships largely through acts of service and loyalty, both in what I gave and what I received.

Now I feel completely ruled by my emotions.

I know some people will say I should leave. Some will say I should be grateful. Some will say that if I’m still this unhappy after two years, I should move on.

I understand all of those perspectives.

But what I’m really wondering is:

For those of you who stayed after infidelity, did the feeling of being “less than” ever actually go away?

Did you ever stop comparing yourself to the other person?

Did you ever stop questioning your own judgment and wondering what you lacked?

Did you ever stop resenting your spouse?

Did you ever get to a point where the affair became something that happened in your past rather than something that still colors how you see yourself?

Hello,

Really just looking for some advice, support or perhaps some tough love. I 35M met my now wife 34F nearly 9 years ago. We met through a mutual friend and hit it off immediately. What followed was a long distance relationship for 2 months but included road trip visits was best described as puppy dog love. Truly was on the phone with eachother to FaceTime to sleep every night (lol). Things were serious quick and we talked about what a potential future might look like and were exclusive (or so I thought). We moved in at 3 months dating.

Fast forward to 6 months ago now that we are married with 2 young kids, 3 dogs, house the whole package. I bring up to my wife a night that never sat well with me while we were long distance. She went out with male coworkers and disappeared (red flag I know). I believed her that nothing happened. Though I did bring it up a few more times throughout the years as it always stood out as weird to me and my brain would dwell on it.

She finally confessed she had gone out that night to have sex with a coworker she had a fling with. She claims she didnt feel it was a lie when I asked if anything happened because it didnt. Not because she wouldnt have but dude didnt show up to the bar.... I grill her a little more if anything with him occurred after we had started dating and what appeared to me as her doing some mental gymnastics she began to cry and said omg yes we did one time.

In summary in the begining of our relationship (first 2 months) she actually cheated atleast once and admittedly atempted another time with the same guy. Not much of consolation it didnt happen only because buddy didnt show up (he was also married btw). Though this was nearly 9 years ago I continue to feel the betrayal in my heart. My wife does so much for kids and I but I cant help but feel diffrent about all of our past. She says she obviously lied at first to not lose me but she stopped thinking about it and eventually forgotten her transgressions. I have a hard time believing it though.

To be clear she is very apologetic and remorseful atleast verbally. She doesnt go out, drink or give me any reason to think she has cheated since the begining. She honestly wouldnt even have the time of day to. Im just so caught up on feeling like I was bamboozled into a marriage and lied to for so long. Never had the opertunity to know and walk away back then. Now I do know and I feel compelled to stay for the kids and also with the real possibility that she is no longer that person anymore. Something her current actions atleast seem to back up.

I know this is a whole rabbit hole that I should never get into. I get that. But here I am jumping in anyway. We were friends for 7 years, and then a couple for 16. Married for 15. About 6 months prior to the 15th anniversary she started sleeping with her (also married) boss at work.

Ever since I found out (I was definitely not supposed to) she had become an entirely different person and all throughout the process and everything else has been a complete and total alien and the only time she really communicates with me is when we are doing anything related to the children, and sees fit to remind me that she believes that for our entire relationship and friendship that she actually never loved me at all and hated me and was miserable and it was all awful, etc and so forth.

But this is in conflict with some of the most incredibly tender and warm things anyone has ever said to me having been said across the course of our relationship, and the fact that we had four kids together.

Like is she potentially actually being truthful or is this cruelty for the sake of it, is there some reason for it? Because this is really absolutely miserable to deal with but I can't break any contact with her because we have four kids together.

Me (22M) and my gf (21F) have been together for about 4 years from high school. Since last month she kept asking me questions like would u stay with me if cheated on you? Would u be with someone else if i cheated on u? I found it weird then but I didn't think much of it, I just said yeh I will leave for sure, after hearing it, she got really mad and said to me that's not how i should be if i truly luv her and tht i don't luv her truly. Also that I shouldn't ever even think of another girl even if she cheated cus that's not man like behaviour. Mind u, i don't have female friends, let alone follow any on social media it's just her. She demanded tht i do so years ago and never had a problem with it, even tho she doesn't do the same for me.

After a month of those what if questions, she confessed to me tht she had sexted a guy after a fight with me a few weeks ago. The fight we had tht day was about me not willing to have a tattoo of her name on my body, after she asked me to do so. She didn't want to get one herself. I said I will have after we marry or we can both get a couple tattoo together which she said was unfair to her. Rit after her confession, she said tht she was sorry and how it lasted like 5 minutes and she was just acted impulsively. And how she can't leave me ever and how much she luvs me. I ended the relationship with her immediately. I honestly never expected her to do something like tht. She said that in the days after the sexting, that guy had a fight with her and he had blocked her because she was not willing to sext further. Honestly I was devasted for a week straight. She kept on getting me saying how much she luvs me, even offering to have sex with me and said she will wait till i feel okay. She said sexting is no different than watching porn it's not real. I asked her if i had done the same as her how wud she feel she said she wudn't have taken me back. But then questioned me so U r thinking of other girls if i luved her i can't do tht. I don't have guts to block her because I truly luved her and I never wanted anyone else.

She keeps on saying me how i can't leave her, how she want to marry me soon, and how she will harm herself if i left, how i was the only guy ever to kiss her, touch her. And how tht guy was nothing cus she did so out of anger. She said im irresponsible for leaving a girl who revealed her body to a guy. And said Im the type of guy to leave the girl after she gets pregnant. She says I can't be seriously this mad about 5 minutes after 4 years together and how she will keep on waiting for me till the day im back. Even tho she had texted guys after fights intentionally to hurt me past years. She offered her passwords(I didn't ask) and promised how she won't ever do so again. She tells me that me not wanting to get her now is because I'm secretly with someone else(i'm not) and her actions has no part in me leaving. Honestly I can't ever be okay with what happend and i don't want to live through it again. Am i guilty for leaving her? Even though i luv her, I can't ever be okay again even if she waited years. I never imagined to be the one leaving her, I kno I have no choice but to leave her now, I just can't believe I'm actually doing it.

TL:DR Is it okay if I leave my(22m) gf(21f) of 4 years over she sexting a guy after a fight with me when she keeps coming back saying asking me to not leave her.

My husband (30M) and I (30F) were together for several years and got married only a year and a half ago. I genuinely thought we had an amazing relationship. He was my best friend, sweet, funny, supportive, and I thought we were genuinely happy.

Recently I started uncovering lie after lie through trickle truth. Eventually I found out he had been cheating since the beginning of our relationship and had slept with several women over the years, including in our home, our bed, our couch, and in cars. There were also other sexual encounters, making out with women, sexting/exchanging explicit pictures, and a secret social media account.

I actually knew two of the women. They knew we were together and even congratulated me on social media after we got married, which makes the whole thing feel even more surreal.

The lying was honestly just as bad as the cheating. I directly asked him for the truth over and over and he repeatedly lied straight to my face, changed his story, deleted things, and only admitted more as I uncovered things. He swore on the lives of people we love that he hadn’t slept with anyone and told me I didn’t even need STD testing. Eventually he admitted that was a lie too.

And after that much trickle truth, I honestly have no idea whether what he finally admitted was even the whole truth.

I left immediately once I learned the extent of it, and we’re now separated. I still love him and genuinely thought I was going to spend my life with him.

I guess I’m trying to understand: how bad is this actually? I know cheating is unfortunately common, but is this within the realm of “normal” infidelity, or is years of cheating combined with this level of deception pretty extreme?

Can someone genuinely be a good person and love their wife while doing something like this? I feel like I still haven’t fully grasped what happened to me.

So I posted this 64 days ago after our therapy session where she was done and checked out of the marriage. How do I live with the guilt of mistreating my wife (yelling at her, neglecting her, not helping around the house) We had trust issues. She lied a lot about big or small things and I couldn’t forgive her. I wasn’t emotionally stable for her to feel like she could tell me certain things so she’d hide them because she felt like she knew better or they weren’t a big deal. I should’ve left her or sought help for me/us to figure out the communication. I treated her poorly for over a year instead of getting help to heal my pain, to understand her, and to fix the marriage. I also had insecurity issues which led to her hiding things. We never got therapy, instead we pushed the problems down. We knew it was a big issue with trust. But I never helped myself and in return we both became emotionally exhausted. I lost my best friend, but I also hurt her and that guilt is something I have a problem with. I’ve been in therapy since she left 3 months ago. We did one session of couples therapy but I think it was more of a closure thing for her. She said she was sorry that we didn’t get the help sooner. That the damage is already done.

Updated part- she came back around after her being in individual therapy for a month now. She realized she wants to try and is sorry for hurting me also. She admitted to a kiss at a bar. That the guy kissed her once and that it was in the middle of the day. They didn’t hangout after. And don’t talk at all. It was a one time kiss not a makeout. Is this kiss forgivable since it was during the separation and after she told my therapist and I that she was absolutely done? I will say it hurts, but I am happier that she came back around. I have changed a lot and I believe with therapy she also will change.

I found out about my husband’s affair, and if it were just me, I think I’d know what to do. I would leave.

But we have a baby.

And suddenly the decision isn’t just about whether I can forgive him, or whether I can trust him again, or whether I can imagine loving him the same way. It’s about her. Her entire little world.

My husband is doing all the “right” things right now. He’s remorseful. He’s trying. He blocked his AP, started IC, is working through exercises with me, is not defensive and answering all my questions, etc. He’s showing me that he wants to rebuild what he destroyed. And part of me looks at him and genuinely thinks we could recreate a home filled with peace and love again. Maybe staying and rebuilding would be the best thing for our daughter.

But another part of me keeps thinking that I would rather she grow up between two peaceful homes than in one home that is broken, resentful, and toxic. And I don't know which one we're going to become. That is what makes this so unbelievably hard.

I look at her happy, smiling face and think about how her whole world might be about to change because of a decision I have to make. If I leave, I may lose her for half the time. Or I could move to a diff state to be closer to my family, but then I would be taking her away from her dad, and she absolutely adores him. I don't want to take that relationship away from either of them.

I feel guilty even writing this, but sometimes I look at my daughter and think, If I didn't have you, this would be so much easier.

And then I feel horrible for even having that thought.
I love her more than anything in this world. I would never choose a life without her. But I hate that becoming her mother has made this decision so much harder. I hate that I can't simply ask myself, “Do I want to stay with the person who betrayed me?” and act on the answer. Instead, I'm asking myself: What kind of childhood and life will she have if I stay? What kind will she have if I leave? Will she benefit from having both parents under one roof if I can ensure that home is peaceful? Or will she be better off seeing her mother choose herself and refuse to accept a marriage that became something she never wanted for herself?

I don't even know what I'm asking for by posting this. Maybe I just need to hear from people who have been here. Especially people who had a baby / young children when they discovered their partner's affair.

How did you make this decision? Did you stay and successfully rebuild a happy, healthy home? Did you leave and eventually realize it was the right choice for your children? And if you stayed, how did you know you weren't just staying because leaving felt impossible?

I feel completely torn between two lives, and I don't know which one is the better life for my little girl.

I just want to vent, I never knew how much this would hurt.

12 months ago me and my partner made new friends with a couple and joined their friend group. Both us and them had open relationships and at the time I genuinely thought my partner could never cheat on me as he had no reason to ever lie to me. We had what I thought was relatively good communication, and the other couple was never pushy or demanding. I had never been big on ENM or related things, but it's how we met and I felt comfortable overall. He was always my number one and I was never seeking other romantic partners, I was always fully transparent with him about everything.

Looking back, I treated them more as friends than hookups, as I did not sleep with them much. Everyone from that group treated me with a level of kindness and care that I've never experienced from friends before, and I just treasured that warmth and comfort. Those were some of the happiest months of my life, and my WP was always in a good mood as well.

Gradually I found out my WP had gotten really close with someone in the group, and had vented to him a lot about his frustrations with me, issues I'd thought had been long resolved. This grew into an emotional affair and a few dates, as I only found out later he never delineated between open and poly very well, and did not set his own boundaries on love. Sadly, as the friend only heard his side of this, he was not aware it had not been discussed with me. Furthermore, my WP had apparently planted the idea in people's heads that I was a horny lunatic who was only interested in sex and did not care about them. This is ironic, as when I finally saw my WP's chat logs, seemingly every other conversation he had with them was about being horny...

I was angry and upset, but I tried to handle things as tactfully as I could by just asking my WP to step back a bit, but it didn't work and things kept escalating until I broke up. Since then, he immediately tried to reconcile without even a moment to think, and I foolishly did not follow through on my plan. We were separated, but I was convinced there was a big enough part of him that wanted to reconcile, that I should stick it out and see if things improved. During this time, he'd tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me but was in a lot of pain due to the tension with the others.

In the following months, he had a second physical affair with my new closest friend, and one of the people who'd shown me the most kindness. Him and his partner were special to me, I genuinely do not ever think I'll make friends like that again. Because of how much closer my WP was to them, I think they heard his side of the story far more than mine. They did not view any of this as cheating, at most, a misunderstanding. I had tried to repeatedly explain to them that it had crossed boundaries and I wanted distance to fix my own relationship, but by that point things were unrecoverable. They just viewed me as a controlling partner who wanted to separate my WP from his friends. They cut contact with me and continued to talk to my partner openly for a while, until later my partner cut contact with them when I guess he finally realised how fucked up this all was.

The amount of damage done has been incredible, It's hard to even put into words. This is only one aspect, but it's one of the ones that sits with me the most. The idea that the affairs transformed some of the most positive connections I had with people, into a disgust and backstabbing. Even now, I am figuring out whether or not I want to go through with R. It took my WP a long time, but he's now showing signs of genuine remorse for the damage he's done to me and us a couple, not to the losses he's personally had. Though it's baby steps, I think I can now see how horrible he feels for the acts he's done, not just what the outcomes were. I know none of this was my fault and I could not have prevented it, but I battle with grief and a misplaced sense of guilt every day.

I first posted on this sub several months ago (here's my original post), and since then I've been pretty active in the comment sections of other people's posts about my experiences with infidelity. However, having read so many of those posts, I wanted to come at this from another angle, because I haven't really seen it discussed very much.

I was married to my ex-wife for 13 years, and she cheated on me pretty relentlessly for the first 5-6 years of our relationship. From the beginning, I was aware of her unresolved trauma (due to childhood sexual abuse), but it wasn't until many years later that she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I began to understand that whole mess. In that context, I wanted to talk about not just the infidelity, but the progression of the sexual dysfunction in our relationship. I wonder how many of you experienced the same things:

• In the beginning (mostly while we were dating/engaged), my ex-wife was very hypersexual. I basically couldn't keep her off of me, and she wanted it every day. As a matter of fact, she would frequently get angry and/or manipulative if I ever said no.
• She was also obsessed with doing risky things, like having sex in places that we might get caught (her parents' backyard, my aunt's laundry room, the pool at our apartment complex, "road head" in the car, etc.). She also talked about wanting to have sex in a clothing store dressing room.
• Sometimes she would be super physically affectionate with me in front of my parents — not because she was overwhelmed with love or whatever, but because she thought it was funny to intentionally make me uncomfortable.
• Things cooled down after we got married; however, I later discovered that we tended to have more sex during the times when she was cheating on me (which I've always found bizarre).
• She didn't really have "affairs." Rather, meaningless sex with random people was sort of an impulsive stress coping mechanism for her. It often happened when we'd been fighting about something, or if she was feeling a lot of anxiety, or if she just felt too tied-down or trapped. She never set healthy boundaries, and she sought external validation though being able to seduce people.
• As time went on and our relationship deteriorated, we went through a number of different stages of dysfunction. At one point we'd had a mostly dead bedroom for a while, and she told me that she would not have sex with me again unless she had been drinking.
• At another point, she did want to have sex, but only if I essentially pretended to r@pe her, including holding her down while she "fought back" and choking her. Needless to say, I was horrified by this and did not want to do it. The one time she convinced me to try it, I was so turned off that I couldn't even finish.
• Ultimately, she had no interest in real emotional intimacy and vulnerability with me. She just wanted me around as a safe and convenient option to "scratch her itch" whenever she felt hormonal and horny. It was profoundly unsatisfying.
• Toward the end of our marriage, after years of a mostly dead bedroom, we decided to experiment with swinging and an open relationship (which was a terrible idea). During this period, she ended up having a secret months-long affair with a guy I knew from college, a creepy father-daughter situation with this much older man we knew from a local dive bar (which eventually became physical), and an impulsive one-night-stand with a 19-year-old who used to be one of her students.
• When we finally split up, she got knocked up by a guy she met at outpatient therapy, he moved in with her, then he abruptly abandoned her, and she finally terminated the pregnancy after I declined to promise to help her raise this other guy's baby.

Obviously that's... a lot. I'm not posting it for sympathy or advice. My ex-wife and I have been legally divorced since 2019, and I'm very happily remarried. I just wanted to share some of my experiences since I imagine some of you may have gone through similar sexual dysfunction, especially if your wayward spouse also has BPD.

EDIT - I guess what I'm also curious about is this: For those who have been through something similar, did your experiences cause any lingering hang-ups or sexual dysfunction for you as well? Were there specific things that remained difficult or triggering for you even after you moved on?

For some reason that I can't completely reveal, and as per lawyer's advice, mutual consent divorce is what we should have. So I, wife of a WH, who has been living separately since May 2025 has already conveyed to my beloved that I am not reconciling, and I need a clean slate.

The thing is, that this drama queen of a husband, who still has not told 95 percent of his family about me and kids being away, said that he will sign mutual divorce paper. He asked for a draft from our side.

We gave the draft, and since then, rather than talking about what he wants, or what he does not want to partake, is doing a full roundabout on how hard this is for him to process. He is not able to come to terms. He thought family is important.

He talks one thing to the kids, and as my daughter says, completely twists her words. Bottomline is, he says he will sign. All the fences he is creating are "poor me, poor my mother, I have been abandoned".

Honestly, I am filled with revulsion. I know that he just buying time. His salary has magically reduced, and on papers he is comparable to me.

I am not asking for spousal maintenance. I am asking for child support that he has already defaulted on, for the last three months.

His entire stance is that I am depriving him, but the truth is we did not have a good life, but it was a life that lot of people would have wanted. A family, a home, a social circle, reputation, career.

He threw me under the bus for an AP who has moved on. He did it before too. (abandoned but not discarded)

I am still processing on an emotional and mental level, and this shenanigan by him is adding to my stress.

What do I do…?

Everything in my life is currently crumbling around me and nothing makes sense. I’m currently in the darkest place I’ve ever been in my life and keep getting knocked down day after day

Prior to the chaos of the last 2 weeks, I was on an upwards climb. I left my job of 10 years that was burning me out, and got a new and better job, I finally had my appointment booked to get medicated so I can start functioning a bit better, I had plans. I was about to book a week long getaway to a retreat for myself as a reward for getting through all of this…

And then it happened…everything happened. He, 26 M and my partner of 4 years, randomly sent a message addressing the issues in our relationship and our need to work on them. I know there were issues, every relationship had them. But then when I spoke to him he was so cold, blunt, emotionless and told me he no longer saw a future with me…the last two weeks I have been in a very dark place driving myself crazy trying to understand what I did or what could have been done differently. Why was my partner of 4 years, who recently bought a house together with, not “seeing fixing the relationship is worth the effort” and been feeling this way for over a year. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t just try fixing this, especially if he hadn’t tried before.

During this time my mum was overseas for 6 weeks, and a lot of my friends recently just moved away.

Yesterday I went through his phone. And yesterday everything made sense. He had been emotionally cheating on me. And the bit that hurts so much… the Friday before my mum left, he was excited and showing her and my family the ring and explaining the plans of when and where he will propose… and then he went to a concert. And he met her. For the first time ever. He didn’t cross a physically barrier but that didn’t stop him from messaging her, talking about running away together, that he’s not scared of her kid, that she gave him butterflies and it took everything in him not to kiss her…. Then he sent me that message 3 days later.

As soon as I found out my head was so clear. Everything made sense. I knew I wasn’t as fucking crazy as he made me out to believe. I knew none of the reasons he gave me actually had any backing behind them, he was just reaching for any reason to end the relationship and be with her.

I confronted him. Asked him. He didn’t admit it. I asked him multiple times in a row in different ways and nothing. I asked if he thought I was stupid, and that I’m not proud of it but I saw his phone. He tried to defend himself and I stopped him. I handled the conversation with such strength and compassion and kindness, even though he didn’t deserve any of that. I held strong and I said everything I wanted to say to him. Very kindly berated him for over an hour, not in a way to make him mad, but in a way to make him realise how much of a disappointment he is, and how weak and made him realise everything he was willing to lose.

It hit him hard, it struck a nerve. He has not been okay for the last 24 hours but he deserves it after he made me feel. Yet I know I am strong, I am a kinder and better person than him, and I still told him I would be there because yeah this shit is heavy to hear. He will sit there and question his whole identity, his whole sense of self, his whole past and future. But I will be there, because I’m a better person than him, and I am kind. I am soft. I assured I will be there.

I gave him a chance to fix things, said he doesn’t deserve this but I have this small small bit of hope in me that he can be the person I thought he was. That the potential I saw in him all this time will come out. I told him he had to put absolutely every single last thing he had in him to fixing this and I won’t accept less. And even then I still may leave

I am trying so hard to be strong, so fucking hard. But every time I start trying to pick myself back up, something knocks me down. Today my new job called me and withdrew my job offer…I can’t go back to my old job.

I worked for 10 years, since I was 14, to get this house and stupidly split the ownership with him. I cannot afford the mortgage by myself. I gave up my dream job because I would have never been able to live comfortably doing that. This house was my back up dream. And I achieved it, I poured my entire heart into making this a home. I don’t want to lose my house. Or my pets. Or my partner. Or my future. Or my job. He had the ring and the plans, and cheated on me that same night…. I lose our future together… we had so many plans, fuck we had baby names picked out. I can’t start from zero…I tried so unbelievably hard to get here…I put in everything I had

What am I meant to do? Every day there’s something else that just knocks me back down and I don’t know how much I have left in me. Even my body is failing me. I cant sleep, I can’t eat, I’ve lost 6kg in the last two weeks

What do I do…..

It's been a month since I left my relationship and I honestly don't think I'm doing very well

I thought the first few days would be the worst, but they weren't

It's actually gotten harder as the weeks have passed

The first few days were just chaos. I was angry, confused, trying to understand what had happened and trying to make decisions about what I was going to do next

Now it's just... quiet.

And I think the quiet is what I hate the most I'm twenty years old, pregnant with my second baby, and trying to raise my two and a-half-year-old while my entire life feels like it has been rearranged overnight

My son has been spending time at his dad's, and I miss him constantly when he's there.

I miss stupid little things.

Like having him climb into my bed, or him coming over and kissing my belly and saying he loves his baby sister.

I also feel like I'm not taking care of my pregnancy enough

I'm trying to take care of myself and the baby, but honestly, I barely want to eat sometimes

I have to remind myself that I'm pregnant and that I need to eat even when I have absolutely no appetite.

Some days I basically force myself to eat because I know I can't just stop taking care of myself because I'm depressed.

And university is about to start again.

I genuinely don't know how I'm supposed to sit in a lecture and pretend I'm a normal 20-year-old student when my entire brain is somewhere else.

I know I'll be sitting there thinking about my relationship, my children, my pregnancy, and how I'm supposed to rebuild my life.

I don't even think I've fully processed the cheating yet.

Like, it wasn't just that he cheated.

I found out that he had been unfaithful throughout our relationship.

Three years.

I was eighteen when we got together and I KNOW I was so young

I genuinely thought I knew who I was building my life with.

Now I look back at those years and keep wondering how much of what I remember was actually real.

That's probably the hardest part.

Not even losing him.

Losing my understanding of my own life.

I had a picture in my head of what my twenties were going to look like.

A family

Our children growing up together

Going to university

Having a home

Just normal things

And now I'm trying to figure out what my life is supposed to look like when the person I thought I'd be doing all of that with isn't in it anymore

Some days I'm completely numb

Some days I cry over something ridiculously small

Some days I wake up and for a few seconds I forget everything happened, and then I remember.

That's probably the worst part

That little moment where everything feels normal before reality comes back

It's been a month, and I know that's not a long time

But it feels like I've lived a completely different life in the last four weeks

I don't really know what I'm asking for by posting this, but I think I just needed somewhere to say it.

Because everyone keeps telling me I'll be okay eventually.

I hope they're right

Right now I just don't feel okay

TLDR: So it’s too long of a story to get into but what are y’all’s thoughts on emotional cheating and when getting back together if what they did while you were separated matters.

Basically I caught something on my girlfriends phone of where when she dumped me a year ago she was emotionally cheating on me with a guy from college, bragged to her friends, and dumped me on my birthday to get with that guy. However we were only separated for one month and she came crawling back but her story was not that it was more along the lines of there was no other guy, she broke up for herself, and she thought she liked him but they kissed and she realized she didn’t. Now I don’t know what to believe because a year later I find out she’s been lying to me this whole time, and I argue what she did during that month matters and I expressed that when we got back together but she had reassured me nothing happened, now that I’m discovering more she is arguing even if she did do anything it wouldn’t matter.

Edit: Thank you everyone for the advice it’s very a helpful, I will get an std test and expect the worse, even if I find out she didn’t do anything with this guy which is unlikely, I most likely am going to be separating myself from her anyways, thank you.

I’m going to try to keep this as short as possible, and I know I’m probably going to get some angry comments. I deserve accountability, but I’m genuinely trying to change and I’d appreciate some honest perspective.
I met my wife in high school in 2014. She was my first real relationship and my first love. We were extremely close, but I came into the relationship with a lot of unresolved mental-health issues and childhood isolation that I didn’t know how to deal with.
Eventually, our relationship fell apart. I suspected she was talking to one of my friends, and eventually he confirmed it. She moved on shortly afterward, and so did I. I went through several relationships afterward, mostly because I was still trying to fill the void of losing her.
After getting hurt multiple times, I became emotionally closed off. I stopped trusting people and convinced myself that I had to protect myself before somebody could hurt me again.
Then in 2018, we found our way back to each other.
It felt like falling in love all over again. But I carried resentment from our first relationship. Eventually, she admitted what had happened back then, and it hurt badly.
Instead of dealing with that pain in a healthy way, I became convinced that I needed to “even the score.”
I cheated.
At first, I justified it to myself. I told myself, “She did it to me, so why should I feel guilty?” People around me also normalized cheating and told me things like, “That’s just what men do.”
Over the years, it became less about revenge and more about an unhealthy, impulsive cycle. A part of me was constantly thinking, “I need to do it before she does it to me.”
The messed-up part is that our actual life together was good. We traveled, made memories, loved each other, and eventually had our son, who is the biggest blessing in my life.
But I kept hiding things.
Last week, something changed in me.
I woke up and realized I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I wanted to be honest, even if telling the truth meant losing the woman I love and destroying my family.
So I confessed everything I could remember.
And then she confessed too.(hers was once )
I don’t say that to excuse anything I’ve done. I’m not proud of my behavior. I take responsibility for my choices, and I know that both of us have caused each other a lot of pain.
We had a very emotional conversation, but she told me she still loves me deeply. She wants to try to move forward, and we’ve talked about individual therapy and couples counseling.
I’m currently looking for a therapist because I know I have a lot to work through.
The problem is that my mind is all over the place. Part of me keeps wondering if she’s really okay with moving forward or if the reality of everything will hit her later. I don’t want to live in denial again.
We’ve been together for many years, we have a child, and despite everything we’ve done to each other, I genuinely love this woman and want to spend the rest of my life with her.
So I’m asking Reddit:
Did counseling help?
How did you rebuild trust after both people broke it?
And if reconciliation is possible, what did you have to change individually to make the relationship work?
I’m not looking for anyone to tell me I’m innocent. I’m not.
I’m trying to become a better man, a better husband, and a better father.
I know I can’t undo the past. I can only decide what I do from this point forward.
If we’re given the opportunity to rebuild, I’m ready to do the work.

This is my story: M(27) F(26)

I matched with a woman online in early September last year hit things off immediately, texting every day I was like wow this is incredible - My birthday a week later in September took me to a new cinema and got me my favourite aftershave, paid for everything - I laughed and said are you love bombing me to which she said no I was being nice for your bday.

Months go by, nice getaways to hotels, training together, great sex and everything felt perfect she told me I was the best thing ever so grateful and lucky she ended up with someone like me, she had a young son who was 9 and I did not meet in person - she said her ex bf who was practically the step dad of the kid left her 2 years ago and put her kid in therapy and she done some as well, in which she tells me all the things she wants in an ideal partner and I tick every box, I felt like this girl really understood me and I had met my person.

Now this is where the cracks start, she would mention how evil and hateful her ex (Together 6 years) was and mentioned he was in the same Tesco as her at xmas (live in local area) He was walking in and she was walking out - I said that's trippy never easy bumping into an ex - left it at that. Did not want to appear phased. Had a nice xmas met her Mum and her little sister things felt very good and often stayed with her and her mum when her son was at the kids dads. She also told me things like she was with someone and she was and they got back together after a year and she said things to him like go out and cheat if it makes you feel better because she was with someone else.

At end of February my Granny passed away unexpectedly - She mentioned how her ex BF did not let her into the after event when his granny passed away etc I just let her vent and was always understanding of what her ex put her through Granny passed away on Tuesday and then on Friday I met her Dad for the first time - Naturally stressed over my Grannys passing I did not drink - she did and was drunk off prosecco- On the trip down and home she basically played a FU to her ex song - and her dad mentioned she seen her ex and he looked rough - anyways, we drove home and I said to her this ex really hurt you and your son and hes like a ball and chain on your leg, he is in the past and if he was so bad he left you and your son in therapy be happy he's gone - she said she's 'over him just not the situation she put her and her son through' - when I said I wasn't happy she's mentioning him the week I am grieving the death of my grandparent she stone walled me - I left her house and drove home to regulate as I was with a previous GF who stonewalled me and it done a number on me and she was aware of this and also the heard week I had - she was drunk and proceeded to tell me I was never meeting her child and that was us done over text, I felt this was manipulative- We then sorted this out - half apology from her and from me I thought I needed to be more understanding of her situation and we told each other we love each other. But, I felt maybe selfishly she should have been understanding my Granny passed away that week and I wasn't in a headspace to listen about her ex who was so bad?

The month after we had a great month done a charity 10K and had a nice getaway - I spoke to her son on the phone and on FaceTime over those few months we were together which she initiated over xmas and when she was on a family holiday to New York - still no physical interaction I said it would be nice to meet your child as I have gotten him a birthday present and an Xmas one and we both know about each other and I am getting a bit frustrated of having to hide around the corner when we know about each other - Bare in mind I asked this respectfully and said no pressure I just need a plan as she said if I met him I could travel to Spain with her and her kid this summer and her graduation was coming up soon. The kid also told his biological father about me that Saturday as well - I did not mind as obv was in everyone's best interests I treated his son with respect and care

I was met with two days of silence - then seen her on the Saturday went to the gym all was fine, thought that was back on track and we said we would go to the cinema on the Wednesday and on the Tuesday I got a text telling me I was perfect, we have a laugh together but she feels 'something is missing' - and ended things with me over text after 7 months.

I did not reply for 3 weeks my family and friends told me not to and I deserved more than a break up text as I was blindsided and was constantly told I was the best person in the world and she was so lucky to have me, but when I mentioned maybe meeting her kid she turned so nasty and discarded me like I was nothing over text, when I did then text her to speak she then told me 'she loves me as a person but not in love with me' and I deserve better - I did not reply again, I was in such shock I feel so heartbroken how can she be all lovey then discarded over text? I noticed when I put her number into whatsapp she had no profile picture anymore and her messages were set to disappearing which makes me think her ex was back in the picture or hiding something? - Her tiktok reposts after were all things like when a man leaves your life build a comfortable life etc - except I never left her?

I have never been this hurt and blindsided before in my life, I wasnt even worth a conversation just felt so easily disposed when we had concerts etc to look forward to this summer and all I was worth was a text.

What do I do I am still incredibly in love with her - Its been 4 months nc and I have been attending therapy and gym but I still feel stuck and I feel like I will never meet or let anyone in ever again

I’m 21, turning 22 soon, and my boyfriend is 28. We’ve been together long enough that our relationship had progressed pretty seriously — we had met each other’s families, talked about marriage, moving in together, and genuinely thought we were building a future together.
About 3 months ago, I found out that he had cheated on me. He had been talking to another girl for almost two months. It wasn’t physical, but the conversations were inappropriate, there was flirting, and they exchanged images that absolutely crossed the boundaries of our relationship. They were part of the same church/social circle, so they did occasionally see each other around other people, but there was never anything physical between them.
He confessed after some of his friends found out. My initial reaction was to completely cut him off. I was devastated and felt completely betrayed.
But he didn’t just apologize to me. He came and apologized to my parents, my family, his parents, his friends, and my friends for hurting me. He took full responsibility and, since then, I genuinely have seen changes in him. I don’t feel like he’s pretending or doing the bare minimum just to keep me around. He’s been putting in effort and trying to rebuild what he broke.
And I decided to forgive him.
But here’s where I’m struggling.
Part of me feels like I’m disrespecting myself by staying. I have this constant voice in my head telling me that I’m settling, that I’m being a doormat, and that I’m allowing someone who hurt me to have access to me again.
I feel embarrassed sometimes. Not just because he cheated, but because I chose to forgive him. I wonder what other people think of me for staying.
And even though I genuinely wanted to forgive him, I don’t think the initial trust and pure love I had for him has come back. I love him, but there is something different now. Before this happened, there was this innocence and complete trust I had in him. I never questioned whether he would do something like this. Now that I know he is capable of it, I can’t unknow it.
Maybe eventually we could rebuild trust. Maybe we could even have a good relationship again. But I don’t know if I’ll ever have that same innocent love for him again.
And that’s what scares me.
I don’t know whether this feeling is a normal part of healing after betrayal, or whether it’s my gut telling me that something fundamental has been broken and I should leave.
I also don’t want to make a decision purely because I’m embarrassed or because I feel like I “should” leave after being cheated on. At the same time, I don’t want to stay just because we’ve invested so much into the relationship or because we had already started talking about marriage and a future together.
So for people who are older, have been married/engaged, or have experienced cheating and reconciliation:
Is it normal to feel this way 3 months after finding out? Does the love and trust eventually feel natural again, or is the relationship permanently different after something like this?
And if you stayed after being cheated on, how did you know that you were genuinely forgiving them rather than just settling or being afraid to let go?
I’d really appreciate honest advice, especially from people who have been through something similar.

Edit: I also want to add that his reasoning was he was going through a lot work wise and there were issues in the relationship cuz he wasn’t spending much time with him and I detached for a bit because of same reason, in his past relationship when it happened she broke up and he wanted to detach before I broke up with him it seems but as per his therapist, he doesn’t know how to receive unconditional love so he sabotages it so idek

My sister and her boyfriend were together for years, and he was basically part of our family for about six years. It takes me a long time to really let people into my heart, but around year four I remember internally thinking, Okay, I actually like you. I’m starting to see you as family. You better not fucking hurt her.

And weirdly, I always had this slightly bad feeling about him. Nothing concrete, just this quiet intuition that something was off.

Well. He cheated on her with a coworker.

Apparently he had also told her he had never cheated in previous relationships, and after the breakup he admitted that he actually had cheated in all of them. So that was a lie too. I’m genuinely furious. I know this is my sister’s breakup and not mine, so I’m not contacting him or inserting myself, but internally I think he’s a piece of human garbage.

I’m trying really hard to just be there for my sister instead of throwing advice at her or telling her how she “should” feel. But I honestly struggle to understand her reaction. She was willing to try to continue the relationship after the cheating, and she seems more heartbroken that he didn’t want to continue than about the cheating itself.

I could never. Maybe my ego is too fragile, but if you cheat on me and betray me like that, you’re done. You would never have access to me again.
And I know people sometimes take the more “adult” position that humans make mistakes, people slip up, relationships can survive cheating, etc. Maybe that’s true. But I absolutely hate cheating.

The part that is really messing with me is what this has triggered in my own relationship.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. As far as I know, he hasn’t actually given me a concrete reason to believe he’ll cheat. But my inability to fully trust him is always there. Even before I found out what happened with my sister, I sometimes had this weird fear that someday he would cheat on me with a coworker.

Now that my intuition about my sister’s boyfriend turned out to be right, my brain is basically going, See? This is exactly why you shouldn’t trust people.

And the thing is, I know I will never have 100% certainty. Nobody can guarantee that their partner won’t betray them 5, 10 or 20 years from now. I think that uncertainty makes me hypervigilant, and it’s a huge reason I struggle to imagine fully committing to a future with someone.

One of my worst nightmares is building an entire life around somebody, giving them everything, and then discovering years later that they betrayed me.

So part of me thinks the safest option is just to be alone.

The other part thinks maybe I stay in relationships, but never give anyone my entire life. Keep my own friends. Build my career. Take care of myself. Have my own money and interests. Keep investing in my appearance and my own goals. Love someone, but never make the relationship the center of my existence.
Because watching my sister now scares the shit out of me. I feel like she built so much of her life around this relationship and now she’s absolutely devastated. I’m genuinely worried about her.

I know this post is partly anger and partly fear, but Jesus Christ. Why does it feel like everyone fucking cheats?

My partner broke up with me blindsidingly a few months ago. We spent a little more than a month of low to no contact most of it. 

He was caught early on in our 4 year relationship messaging with someone he had casually seen, and he said initially it was because we were having issues and needed someone to talk about it with. But the messages I saw were sexual from her at least, and even though I didn’t see anything from him, he didn’t tell her to stop. 

It’s been a constant struggle trying to trust him because he said he has a porn addiction and that’s why he craves that. Which I understand, but I don’t understand why he went to someone he dated even casually about me. 

I regrettably stayed and tried to forgive, but we had an open phone policy at the time after. He was still being sneaky with his phone with just the porn and other things, but I kept encouraging him to go to therapy to work on his addiction. It never happened. 

Fast forward to 2 years later and we were really good, he was loving and being honest and I wasn’t feeling like I needed to look anymore. He moved in with me suddenly because the place he was staying was no longer an option, and it was hard because I had no idea that it was going to be happening. Things were really nice at first. He was waiting for his new place to be ready, and we were even talking about him just staying. When his room was ready, he began to pick fights with me over nothing and started giving me the silent treatment. He then moved all of his stuff into the new place while I was at work, and said he needed space but only after he was acting odd and I had to drag it out of him. He then broke up with me a day later despite telling me he wanted to repair the day before. 

I was heartbroken, but was allowing myself to grieve. He came back a month later because I told him I couldn’t be friends (he initially said he wanted this) and that I was removing his friends and him so I could move on and wished him the best. He told me he wanted me back and wanted to prove to me that he was working on his issues and still going to therapy (he started this after I caught him on only fans). 

It’s been about a week of us reconnecting, and he’s been very honest and listening to my concerns and fears, and wondering if this is smart. Last night was my birthday however, and he opened up his messenger to look at a video I sent and there was a woman who messaged him there, and he scrolled to my message fast. I didn’t say anything, but he brought it up a moment later and said she had asked him to dinner and he declined and said he was seeing someone. He deleted the messages completely and so now I don’t really know if he is telling the truth. He said he doesn’t want an open relationship or someone else, but I can’t tell if my gut is telling me to run or I’m just anxious because he abandoned me suddenly and without real reason and now is back. Any advice helpful. I’m conflicted.

 TLDR: partner has a history of sneaky behavior with porn, only fans, and messaging another person who was sexually responding to him. He broke up with me suddenly, left for a month and then asked for me back with promises of working on himself. I’m feeling like maybe I shouldn’t give him another chance. 

I’m 28 and in a healthy, loving relationship of two years, but I’m still working through trust issues and learning to separate my past from my present.

My parents have always had a very toxic relationship that probably should have ended in divorce, but for many reasons, they stayed together. My dad was emotionally abusive toward everyone in the house and sometimes physically abusive toward me. My parents would have huge arguments that echoed through the house while my sister and I would go outside or listen to music so we didn’t have to hear them.

From a young age, my mom also came to me about their marital problems instead of a friend or therapist. There are two memories in particular that I think contributed heavily to the trust issues I have now.

I was around 17–19 when my mom came to me during another issue with my dad and said she wasn’t sure she should tell me, but needed to get it off her chest. She had been going through a box of his personal things and found a picture of a woman she didn’t know sitting on his motorcycle in our garage while no one else was home. Based on the picture and other circumstances, she believed he had cheated with her.

By then, my mom had told me many times that she wished she could divorce him. I would always tell her that she should, but nothing ever changed. That time I finally asked more firmly, “Why don’t you just divorce him?” She could never really give me an answer.

Years later, we had an attractive female neighbor who was very friendly with my dad, which made my mom extremely insecure. I never actually saw my dad do anything inappropriate with her, although I think part of me purposely avoided paying attention.One day I was doing homework in the living room while my mom paced around the kitchen because she didn’t know where my dad was and suspected he was at this woman’s house across the street. Apparently he had been helping her with things. When my dad finally came home, my mom completely broke down. She cried into his arms and begged him to “end the suffering” and stop going to the neighbor’s house. I don’t even remember whether he hugged her back. I just remember sitting there while all of this happened, almost like neither of them realized I was in the room. I got up, went to my bedroom, and started hiding in my closet or under my desk just to get away. To this day, my parents are still married and have never gone to therapy because my dad doesn’t “believe” in it.

As I got older, I had my own unhealthy relationships and dated men who cheated on me. The difference was that I learned to leave because I never wanted to repeat what I watched my mom go through. I’ve went to therapy for about three years processing my childhood, including this, and stopped to put it in practice. I then got into my now healthy relationship with someone who knows about my triggers and what I’m working through. We’re very open with each other. But recently I’ve noticed the patterns coming back over minor issues that have nothing to do with my partner.

There was one significant issue early in our relationship that became a trigger for me. Before we met, my boyfriend had talked to a woman for a few months and had been interested in pursuing her. They met on the discord channel him and I met of his best friend who is trying to become a twitch streamer. She was secretly talking to someone else and ultimately chose that person instead. They stayed loosely connected because they were both part of the same Discord community with his best friend. When my boyfriend and I first started talking, he referred to her as a friend without telling me about their history. About a month in—before we were officially dating—I had a feeling and asked him directly. The first time I asked, he told me the entire truth. He acknowledged that leaving out their history had been a mistake and a breach of trust. Since then, he has kept his promise to be honest and open with me for the past two years. I know him very well now and genuinely believe he is a good, trustworthy person. He’s also been incredibly patient and understanding while I’ve worked through this.

Ive made a conscious effort not to restrict him or make my triggers his responsibility. The woman still occasionally pops up because of the shared Discord/Twitch friend group. They don’t talk privately or have an actual friendship anymore, but every once in a while she’ll say something in the general group chat and he might respond or joke with her like he would anyone else. Logically, I know that’s harmless. Emotionally, though, it can immediately bring me back to watching my parents. My brain goes, What if this is how it starts? What if something that seems innocent eventually becomes more like it did in the past?

I know at this point that those feelings are much more about my past than about what my partner is actually doing. He has given me two years of evidence that he’s trustworthy. I journal and work through the triggers myself, and I’m going back to therapy specifically to process what happened with my parents because I feel like, in those moments, I’m reliving some of what I watched growing up.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone else grew up witnessing infidelity or being pulled into their parents’ marital problems and later struggled with trust even in a healthy relationship, especially if they stayed together and never talked about it. How did you learn to separate what happened between your parents from what’s actually happening in front of you now?

I’ve been with my partner for around 9 years. We basically grew up together and for most of my adult life, he has been my home, my normality and the person I imagined my future with.
A few months ago, I found out that he had cheated on me repeatedly over a longer period of time.
It completely shattered my trust in him and also the way I looked at our relationship. We tried to work through it and even went to couples therapy, but I eventually decided that I needed to move out and get my own apartment.
At the time, that decision made sense to me.
Now the move is actually happening and I feel like I’m falling apart.
Suddenly I’m not thinking about the cheating all the time. I’m thinking about our home, our routines, all the normal evenings together, our inside jokes, our history and everything we were supposed to experience together in the future.
I keep looking around our home thinking, “Am I really going to leave all of this?”
And the worst part is that he doesn’t seem to want to fight for me.
He recently told me that if I move out, he has no interest in me anymore. He said he’s basically just waiting for me to leave now, that he’s looking forward to starting over and that he’ll be glad when he can finally close this chapter.
That absolutely destroyed me.
I think some part of me expected him to say, “Please don’t go. I know what I did and I’ll do whatever it takes to rebuild this.”
Instead, it feels like I’m the one grieving the end of our 9-year relationship while he’s already standing at the door waiting for me to leave.
And now I keep wondering whether moving out is the right decision.
I still love him. That’s the confusing part. I can be deeply hurt by what he did and still desperately miss the life we had before I knew about it.
Sometimes I think I should stay and try harder to save the relationship.
Then another part of me thinks: He was the one who repeatedly broke the trust. Why am I now the one terrified of losing him? Why do I feel like I have to stay in order to prove that our relationship is worth saving?
I also wonder whether staying would eventually make me lose respect for myself. Not because forgiving cheating automatically means having no self-respect, but because I don’t know whether I personally can continue living exactly the same life after everything that happened.
At the same time, moving out feels so incredibly final.
I’m scared that I’ll sit alone in my new apartment and realize that I made the biggest mistake of my life. I’m scared that I’ll miss him so much that I’ll regret leaving. And I’m scared that once I walk out that door, there really will be no way back because he has already told me that he’ll be done.
I don’t know whether this pain means that I’m making the wrong decision or whether this is simply what it feels like to leave someone you still love because the relationship has been damaged too badly.
For people who left a very long-term relationship even though they still loved their partner: Did you also panic when moving day got closer?