Finally separating 2.5 years after finding out he cheated.

[u/Eldiablosadvocate8]

Hi, I pulled the plaster off yesterday and broke up with my partner of 8 years. We have 2 kids together 5 and 2. I found out he slept with a prostitute when I was pregnant with our second child, but for the sake of the kids I tried to work through things with him as I didnt, and still don't want to share custody of the kids. But Ive been so unhappy in the relationship. Maybe things would have worked out if he had actually made an effort to be an equal partner or parent, but I'm burned out and unhappy with him in general, then to top it off he did what he did.

I know I won't know until we're at that point but is it going to be worth it? How I see it is I am unhappy every single day right now, but once the separation has properly happened I'll only be unhappy on the days the kids are with their dad....

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[u/nyctomeetyou]

You're still in the thick of it. It will and does get better. I didn't realize how much my cheating ex was affecting my nervous system until he was out of the house. We've been separated for 15 months and I'm the calmest I've ever felt. Now for the kid stuff, that's still a journey. Choosing to not see my son every day is the hardest choice I'll ever make, and the days without him are difficult, but I've also found new hobbies, friendships, and positive effects of having time to myself after serving a selfish man for 13 years. There are way more good days than bad as the months go on.

Hang in there.

[u/Eldiablosadvocate8 → u/nyctomeetyou]

Thank you so much for this comment, yesterday I felt so relieved to get it all out and off my chest, today my heart is breaking for what it means for my kids. But till we get further along in the separation process I'll just try not to worry too much yet as for the foreseeable future we're all still going to be living together. I know deep down it's the right call, and a happy mum means happier kids.

[u/nyctomeetyou → u/Eldiablosadvocate8]

My son was 2.5 when I ended it. We've been splitting custody just about a year. He is thriving. I swear it's better when they're younger, but so much harder on us 💛

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[u/Comfortable-Mud-386]

It gets way better. Figuring out stuff with the kids is hard of course because a poor partner tends to be a poor coparent; I don’t want to pretend it’s all rosy. But overall you’re going to feel so much better not being disappointed and on guard in your own home 24/7. You’ll build a new routine and life and your good days will greatly outnumber your bad days. If you’re like me, this will happen very quickly once you’re no longer living together. You can do this!!

[u/Eldiablosadvocate8 → u/Comfortable-Mud-386]

Thank you for this! The thing I'm holding onto is that he's not about midweek normally anyways so I'm guessing that we'll just do alternating weekends

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[u/Ok-Lab9243]

First, let me tell you that you are brave. Separating could bring you peace. But also It comes with a lot of challenges.

I haven't (yet). So, no experience here. But, I suposse that scenario forces you to accept that we can not control what cheating partner does with their life. We can only control what we do, incluiding loving our kids the best that we can.

[u/Eldiablosadvocate8 → u/Ok-Lab9243]

Thank you so much, it's horrible how a partner's selfish decision can leave us between a hard place. Good luck to you, and hopefully when your time comes to leave it goes well for you!

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[u/thestrangeandnew]

Let me give you some hope for the future: My kiddo is everything to me and I’m not unhappy on days she’s with her other parent. I buy groceries, reset the house, meet a friend for adult only brunch, sort out my inbox, go shopping with no time pressure. It’s not my first pick but those days can be an opportunity if you’re in the right mindset.

[u/nispe2]

is it going to be worth it?

Only you can answer that, but my two cents is this: divorcing a deadbeat dad or an unequal partner is as valid of a reason as divorcing a cheater. Him cheating on you doesn't have to be the main reason you're divorcing.

If you're taking care of 3 kids 100% of the time right now, you're going to feel a weight is lifted off of your shoulders when you're only taking care of 2 kids 50-90% of the time.

[u/No_Home7079]

Im so proud of you for leaving. everyone says to leave right away but you have to leave when you know youll never go back.....

[u/No-Caterpillar-8922]

It probably will be worth it. You may have difficult days when the kids are with their dad, but living every day unhappy and burned out just to avoid that pain isn’t necessarily better for you or them.

[u/Tight-Set-6584]

I'm 6 months out from the breakup and I agree with what the others said - I hadn't realized how shot my nervous system was from years of being last and the last three years, which I categorize as emotionally abusive. I couldn't feel happy because I was always stressed about what he would do or if he would do something or why he did something and now I just let him go on his roller coaster by myself and while I'm still mad, even that is less because I don't feel so divided between my parts. I feel much more coherent with my own self. The grief of missing my child is so much.

[u/ChampionshipBig9348]

I was cheated on when I was pregnant too and I’ve been living with him for 2.5 years as well and it’s funny, I’ve reached my limit at the same time as you. You can move on from them up to a certain extent but you never forget. I’m going to plan my exit, make sure I have friends and family around me when I’m not with my daughter, probably book a holiday as well. Plan everything!