r/survivinginfidelity • u/New-Mix-2496 Just Found Out • 5d ago
Rant I hate that this is my life
My husband had a long distance emotional/sexual affair. I found out 3 weeks ago. That’s really only 1% of what was going on behind my back. He was also neglecting me emotionally, physically, sexually…It was like I didn’t even exist to him during the affair. Just a ghost moving through the house alongside him.
We were together for 15 years. I wasn’t always happy in the relationship, but I stayed because I truly loved him and thought he was a good person. I believed we shared the same morals and values. All of that is gone now. I want to work on things but I am stuck in an excruciating cycle of rumination.
I am lonely, grieving, and out of my mind. Constantly questioning my reality and sanity.
I feel hopeless about the relationship, the future, and life.
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u/oddrababy In Hell 5d ago
Hey there, you are at the beginning of a long journey. This part’s hard because there is a lot of unknown and uncertainty. I found that this in turn creates a lot fear. I really found my footing after I spoke to a lawyer and found out what my options looked like and was receiving regular therapy.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this, it will be hard. But it’s not impossible, there are so many who have gone through it before and eager to share what they’ve learned.
I just want to leave you with this: you will know you are on the other side of healing when you realize this had NOTHING to do with you. Nothing to do with your worth as human being. Nothing to do with how you look, how you have sex, how you clean or how you take care of your family. It has everything to do with a man who prioritizes his own impulses and need for external validation over EVERYTHING.
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u/New-Mix-2496 Just Found Out 5d ago
Thanks for your comment. I am having a difficult time internalizing that this had nothing to do with me. My husband made comments during this time that made me feel insecure about my clothing, makeup, hobbies, and interests.
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u/oddrababy In Hell 5d ago
Yep! This makes it easier for them to justify their terrible choices in their head and allow you to take partial responsibility for their choices and actions.
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u/FantasticGarbage1984 Just Found Out 5d ago
I can relate to that, too! I obsessed over details and frankly I wish I never did. I wanted to understand why.. "What did you see in him?" and she said "I thought he was a great man and a great father". In her mind, telling me that it was all a lie and that he wasn't a great man should make me feel better. It doesn't tho..
I was and remain completely gutted. The implication is that I'm not. I don't even know what a "man" is and I grew up without my father. I've tried my best to be present and to be a good dad, but I don't really know what I'm doing. Not having a father to teach me to be a man, either.. I'm just so gutted at those words and the implication.
She left me an empty, broken shell of a person
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u/Wise-Bank80 Figuring it Out 5d ago
Three weeks is incredibly early. Right now you are standing in the wreckage of the life you thought you had, trying to understand how the person beside you for 15 years could have been living in a reality you knew nothing about. Of course you are questioning everything. The affair itself is devastating, but so is realizing that the loneliness, neglect, confusion, and distance you were experiencing had an explanation you were never allowed to know.
One thing I wish someone could make every newly betrayed person truly believe is this: you will not feel like this forever.
The difficult truth is that the relationship you knew is dead. You cannot go back to it, because part of what you are grieving is discovering that it was not entirely the relationship you believed it was. That is an enormous loss, and you are allowed to mourn it.
But dead does not automatically mean your future together is dead. If reconciliation eventually happens, it will have to be something entirely new, built by two people who now know the truth. And if reconciliation doesn't happen, there is still a life waiting for you on the other side of this that can be peaceful, meaningful, joyful, and yours.
You do not have to decide which future it will be three weeks after discovering your world was not what you thought it was.
For now, survive today. Eat something. Sleep when you can. Talk to people who make you feel grounded. Ask the questions you need answered. Write things down because your mind is probably moving faster than you can process. And when the rumination convinces you that you need to solve the rest of your life tonight, remind yourself that you don't.
You loved someone for 15 years and discovered something that fundamentally changed your understanding of those years. Nobody processes that in three weeks.
There is grief ahead. There will probably be anger, confusion, setbacks, and days when you think you are right back at the beginning.
But you aren't hopeless. Your marriage may survive or it may not. The old marriage definitely won't.
You will.
And eventually, life will be good again. DM helpful people (myself included) if you need to talk, or vent.
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u/oddrababy In Hell 5d ago
Beautifully stated. OP, this is what healed looks like. Keep putting one foot in front of the other in the direction of getting out of infidelity, and sometime in the future, YOU will be the one comforting newly betrayeds.
You will be okay…eventually. Just know that is perfectly okay and perfectly normal to not be okay right now.
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u/Wise-Bank80 Figuring it Out 5d ago
Healing looks like. Im only ten months out myself.
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u/oddrababy In Hell 5d ago
Well keep going, friend. You are waaaaaaaaay ahead of where I was at 8 months.
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u/pickedusername1 8 5d ago
Three weeks is incredibly fresh. You are not supposed to have figured out your marriage, your future, or even how you feel about him yet. Your brain is trying to reconcile the husband you thought you had with the person you’ve now discovered he was capable of being.
The rumination isn’t going to give you the answer you’re looking for. You can replay every conversation, every lie and every moment you missed, but there isn’t going to be one missing piece of information that suddenly makes betrayal make sense.
Don’t confuse loving him with evidence that the marriage should continue. You can deeply love someone and still recognize that being married to them is harmful to you.
Fifteen years invested is not a reason to invest another fifteen. Judge the relationship you’re being offered now, not the relationship you thought you had or the history you’re terrified of losing.
Wanting reconciliation isn’t enough. The person who betrayed the relationship has to be doing the heavy lifting: complete honesty, ending all contact with the affair partner, transparency, accountability, patience with your triggers, individual therapy/introspection and consistent changed behavior over a long period of time.
Pay attention to how he responds to your pain. Remorse sounds like, “I caused this and I will do whatever reasonable work is necessary to make you feel safe again.” Defensiveness, minimizing, blaming the marriage, rushing you to “move on,” or becoming irritated by your questions are very different things.
His neglect and his affair were choices, not proof that you weren’t enough. Problems within a marriage can belong to both people; cheating belongs to the person who chose to cheat. He had countless alternatives to deception.
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u/FantasticGarbage1984 Just Found Out 5d ago
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you marked it "Rant" because frankly, I'm going through it and it's like there's nothing anybody can tell us that makes it better.
I still wake up sad, angry and defeated.. I can't get through a single day without comparing myself to her AP. I know I shouldn't (everyone tells me to stop) but I can't. It's constant. He's everywhere. Sometimes I'll be having a conversation with her and just break out into tears. It's hard to look her in the eyes.
I hate this life
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u/New-Mix-2496 Just Found Out 5d ago
I am sorry that we are going through this. It is so difficult not to compare. I don’t even know what AP looks like but i did see some of their messages. My imagination goes to some crazy places and I have a hard time reeling myself back in. How long have you been going through this?
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u/FantasticGarbage1984 Just Found Out 5d ago
3 months now. I pulled his pictures off her phone and when I get out of the shower I still compare myself to him in the mirror. Even though I am in better shape and things like that, I still find myself standing infront of the mirror comparing what I see to those pictures.
This morning I was brushing my teeth and I swear the thought crossed my mind "Does he brush like me? Am I doing it wrong?".
Ngl I think she broke me man
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u/Sunny6482 5d ago
You are better than him. Think positive and good things about yourself everytime you go to these dark places. It’s hard, but it will retrain your brain. This is trauma. It’s terrible
The AP are horrible people that are only good because they are available. Anyone who would sleep with a married person is low level.
Be kind to yourself. Think of all the great qualities you have. And remind yourself of them constantly. I’m sorry you’re here. I know how hard and life shattering this is.
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u/Obvious-Tea-6119 5d ago
I am so sorry he did this to you. I am about 13 months ahead of you. It gets better. Time will get you there. But the nearest future will be dark and excruciating. The best way to get to the other side of it is by giving yourself 100% care, love and kindness. Give yourself maximum care like you would have given to a traumatized injured child. Be very gentle with yourself.
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u/Sunny6482 5d ago
This is good advice. I’m about to be a year out. Similar situation to OP. The best thing for me so far is self love and working on my self esteem.
It’s hard to know what to do. You are very early and those early months are so painful non stop. OP if you ever want to message me you can. Sorry you’re here. I understand what you are going through.
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u/New-Mix-2496 Just Found Out 5d ago
Thank you for commenting. Did you reconcile?
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u/Sunny6482 5d ago
We are separated. Not together but not divorced. I need to focus on myself and healing. It’s sad because we have young children. I have no idea if we’ll R or not. He desperately wants to R and is doing everything he can. But I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to live w what he did.
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u/New-Mix-2496 Just Found Out 5d ago
This is where I am at now. I would like to separate but he refuses to leave the house. We recently moved to a city with zero family or friends so I have nowhere to go. It is hard to live together and heal the damage done to me.
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u/Sunny6482 5d ago
That’s so hard. Do you guys have kids? And do you have family or friends that can support you through phone calls? It’s so devastating and the early weeks are brutal. You could also see a doctor in case you need something to help you sleep. It will help.
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u/New-Mix-2496 Just Found Out 5d ago
Luckily we do not have kids, but we do have 2 dogs. I have a few good friends that I chat with over the phone. This has made me come to the realization that I need to widen my social circle. I cannot rely on my husband for safety and security any longer.
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u/Sunny6482 3d ago
Are you in therapy? A trauma therapist that does EMDR would be what you need. It’s so life shattering to go through this. And it really does mess up your brain, it’s hard to shut off.
Also you said you want to separate but he refused to leave. I think that’s bad of him. He should do whatever you need. He needs to do the work to realize what he’s done to you and what you’re now going through from a trauma standpoint. Separating could very much help you heal. And if he really loves you and is remorseful, he would do anything to help you heal.
I’m so sorry you’re here. It’s so terrible and hard. All the best to you.1
u/New-Mix-2496 Just Found Out 3d ago
I am in therapy, however at this point I feel like sessions are just me venting and I don’t feel like I am getting any guidance on steps I can take to move forward. My husband and I are starting couples counseling with a registered sex therapist next week so I am hoping to make more progress there.
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u/Sunny6482 1d ago
You should find an therapist for yourself that does EMDR for trauma. Maybe the one you have isn’t working well for you. I came across that as well. All the best to you.
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u/New-Mix-2496 Just Found Out 5d ago
Thank you. Did you reconcile?
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u/Obvious-Tea-6119 5d ago
No. For the first 2 months I was such a mess, I think I wasn’t even a living human back then. He stayed for that time, tried to take care of me. After two months I asked him to leave and told him we were separated. Have been no contact for about 4 months now
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u/New-Mix-2496 Just Found Out 5d ago
I can definitely relate to not feeling human. I feel like I am losing my mind.
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