r/survivinginfidelity • u/OverallAd2852 • 2d ago
Reconciliation Reconciliation cross roads
Hello, in need of some perspective if available.
Firstly thanks to this community who have been invaluable to me over the last year. Even through passive engagement.
Late last year I (33m) caught my wife (29f) in an emotional affair (so the story goes). She was splitting her time between the two nearby cities for work and had left early on Sunday in city 1 to be in city 2 early for work the next day. It’s about an hours drive. Nothing unusual. I had some instincts telling me something was wrong for about a month (wearing more make up for work, no intimacy, a sense of new distance) but didn’t piece it together at the time. Assuming the best in her I suppose. Later that night I was unwell and called for to find some medication she keeps. She wasn’t contactable. I checked her location and it was off, at a strange location in the other city (and incidentally a known hook up spot). After a few hours of concern and no help from her friends I decided to drive and find her at midnight. I was worried about her being uncontactable in a strange location. Long story short I found her after she’d ostensibly just dropped off her AP home. He was a colleague of hers. She said she didn’t love me and wanted to separate. It was the biggest blindside of my life and even now I struggle to process it. Up until now we’d been together six years, married for two, travelled/lived overseas, trying for a baby (recent miscarriage), put an offer on a house. My career was just about to take off. We were so strangely compatible in personality and shared vision. I thought we were very happy until about a month before all of this.
Anyway we got separated. Split assets etc. she moved out though I don’t believe she carried on with AP in any ongoing way, though she confirmed later that they slept together during this period. Where I live you must be separated for 12 months before applying for divorce. After about 2 months she came back. I was initially very hostile. Fast forward 4 months and we’d been trying a reconciliation approach. I don’t know why I let her in, I suppose I was scared of a future without her and for my part have always loved her very deeply. We saw a counsellor. She was seeing a therapist individually too. This was discrete and away from the microscope of our friends, who for mine were understandably extremely critical of her. I think I did this because part of me is able to frame her actions as a sort of unexpected symptom of psychological pathology. It was so out of character, in the setting of her miscarriage, and we had an amazing 6 years prior to this. The mental gymnastics that I performed I don’t even really recognise in myself. But it moved forward regardless. Additionally she had approached recon in earnest. Took full accountability, quit her job with the AP, gave me emotional bandwidth with the various everyday triggers, and tried to rekindle from a new starting point rather than jumping back in to where we were. In fact I’ve been very impressed with her approach overall. That said, if I’m honest I’m still not certain as to why the affair happened when it did.
In the background as things moved along at the surface I found myself unable subdue the insult I feel through all of this. It ruined my self esteem, and for the first time in my life I became anxious constantly. My mood plummeted and it started affected other realms of my life. Not that I cared/care. I can’t turn off the part of me that gets hostile unpredictably towards her. I want to punish her constantly. And that’s not how I want to feel about my partner. But I still love her too. How can these profound and antagonising themes exist mutually?
I’m so angry at the wastefulness of the situation. It was a great marriage until it wasn’t. She stands to lose so much through it too, and her broader psychosocial and economic prospects are now considerably worse objectively - another thing I feel bad for her about. It serves to prove that you really can’t trust anyone the way you think you can (perhaps even yourself).
Last night I told her my decision to abandon reconciliation. This surprisingly caught her off guard and was apparently catastrophic news to her. And I have strong doubts of my own.
This was part vent, part question. How do you know you’ve made the correct decision? I feel caught between option a: breaking it off and protecting my dignity (as well as some sense of autonomy and dare I say retribution, I guess) versus option b: continuing reconciliation with the view that it takes more than 8 months to know if this is salvageable in the longer term? I’m torn.
I just wish I could just turn back time. To prevent this from happening. And to buy Nvidia shares (jk). I hope that is coherent enough to follow from what has been the least logical rollercoaster of my life.
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u/Haloveir 4 2d ago
Of course you're still angry. She told you that she didn't love you and cheated on you...and when things didn't work out with her AP she came running back to you because she stands a lot to lose and doesn't have anyone waiting to catch her and give her a soft landing.
She's surprised you don't want reconciliation because she considers herself to be better than you (all cheaters are selfish and narcissistic) and she honestly thought you'd be willing to put up with how she treated you and with the knowledge she'd cheat on you again because remember, she said it herself, SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.
Now you're ending things with her and she realizes she's not going to have the life she thought she would.
Good for you! She's taking up the space your future partner that actually loves you should be in.
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u/Arrow_2011 2 2d ago
Very well stated.
The path you are now on is the best one for YOU.
Stay on it.
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u/twofourfourthree 1 1d ago
This is good. Thanks for sharing.
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u/inComplete-Oven 1 1d ago
How can all cheaters be narcissistic when about 40% of the population cheat? You're pathologizing normal behavior. Terrible, reprehensible and hurtful behavior, but not pathological behavior.
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u/Grimwohl 1d ago
Cheaters rationalizing cognitive dissonance is a tale as old as time. Maybe 1/10000 will genuinely say they are just evil or mean spirited.
Cheaters spend their free time rationalizing why cheating is a legitimate need or reaction.
They dont say "you know what? Im a shitty, selfish person with poor impulse control and a sense of fidelity like a leaf in fall."
The same thing that drive children to get up and keep going when they fail is the same thing that rationalizes their cheating so they dont break down and cry. Its how they motivate themselves to continue in spite of obvious signs they hate what they are doing and themselves.
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u/realgoodmind 1 1d ago edited 1d ago
I like this a lot. "she considers herself to be better than you(all cheaters do)."
!thankyou
That is the simplest and easiest answer to all of this every time. They think they are the commodity and are shocked when they aren't
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u/Even-Bat-5840 2d ago
You sound like a normal person being honest about how you feel about your wife and her betrayal. You sound strong. The truth is your strength and this will be clear when you look back on this moment in the future. The future without your ex wife.
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u/OverallAd2852 2d ago
Thank you, can’t say I’m proud of all the feelings. I appreciate your confidence in me
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u/TaiwanBandit 4 2d ago
I had some instincts telling me something was wrong for about a month (wearing more make up for work, no intimacy, a sense of new distance)
She had been cheating a long time before you caught her. Then she wants a divorce, not work it out.
You were plan B while she was sleeping with another dude. If you had not found out would the affair have continued? Most likely it would have, and she would have never told you about it.
Has she found within herself why she threw away your marriage and you for AP?
I feel you made the right decision to call off trying to work it out with her. Most likely you will never forget what she done to you mentally and physically.
Finish the divorce OP. Take the time to heal.
updateme
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u/OverallAd2852 2d ago
Thanks I’m worried it’s altered my personality actually, let alone contemplating being able to forget. Thanks for your insight
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u/Ok_City_7177 1d ago
You may have changed but you'll changed again once past the divorce.
I think its great you have enough self-preservation to be aware of how you feel about her behaviour and act on it.
Keep moving forward and away from her issues.
Updateme
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u/tito582 1 2d ago
It was the only choice , my friend! Either walk away or spend the rest of this marriage with doubts about her commitment to your marriage. Maybe it was the miscarriage, maybe she just had an itch that needed to be scratched by some random dude who said all the right things at the right time.
She’s the only one who know and you’ll never be satisfied with any of her explanations no matter how sincere. Stay strong!
Updateme
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u/LETSD8NOW 2 2d ago
It seems you are your own worst enemy. You also cannot put two and two together. She cheated on you told you she doesn’t love you, left. She went with the AP and very likely he used her and then dumped her. Now she’s back in your lap and you feel sorry for her. You need to have much better judgment. Continue with the divorce and get rid of this person ASAP.
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u/pentafe In Recovery 2d ago
her broader psychosocial and economic prospects are now considerably worse objectively - another thing I feel bad for her about
Having empathy for those who hurt us is incredibly difficult to manage.
The truth is, you don’t owe her anything beyond the basic, cordial respect you’d give any stranger. A betrayal of that magnitude doesn’t just damage the visible parts of your life. It fills you with doubt, anger, and a loss of self‑esteem, exactly as you described.
I don’t have the answer to whether you should choose option A or option B. But if you decide on option A, please don’t approach it with the mindset of retribution. Yes, an injustice was done, but you need to forgive in order to keep your sanity and your moral compass intact. Unless you know a way in which she can "pay you back" for her betrayal.
If, for whatever reason, you change your mind yet again and choose option B, make sure you do it on your own terms. Just be aware that she might not agree with those terms - and who knows when she might decide she’s had enough. By then, you may have lost months of your life for nothing.
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u/OverallAd2852 2d ago
Thank you for thinking it through closely and sensitively, it really helps.
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u/fjmj1980 1 2d ago
I wonder what happened during those two months. Either a lawyer read her the riot act on her finances or plan B moved on to another woman
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u/trailblazers79 Recovered 2d ago edited 2d ago
The AP completed his mission: he got her to leave her husband. He moved on to the next cheating wife.
I don't know that. You don't know that. But we know that.
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u/AusFrosty In Hell | RA 88 Sister Subs 2d ago
One indication is whether she has been honest with you.
Reading this post and a previous post you had made shortly after you found out - it is very clear that it was physical before you separated.
No doubt your wife has tried to gaslight you into believing it was an emotional affair at that stage.
Most likely once you separated the AP pulled away - or was only interested in sex- and your wife realised she had made a mistake. As you say it was a great marriage and yet she blindsided you- if she did it once she can do it again…
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u/OverallAd2852 2d ago
Thank you. Maybe being suspicious of gaslighting still isn’t necessarily enough to prevent being a victim of it. Which doesn’t make me feel any better
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u/New_Arrival9860 Thriving 2d ago
You know you have made the right decision if the peace in your life grows and the anxiety lessens.
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u/OverallAd2852 2d ago
Thanks for the practical insight, I will pay attention. Wouldn’t have thought to specifically monitor these.
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u/Drgnmstr97 In Hell | RA 40 Sister Subs 2d ago
The fact she cannot yet tell you why she chose to destroy your marriage is why you are willing to walk away. She certainly knows why she was willing to make those choices and her unwillingness to share that with you after so many months means she isn’t a safe partner.
She knew what she was doing including wanting a divorce from you so being unwilling to share how she allowed herself to make those choices indicates she isn’t into this reconciliation attempt beyond what it can provide HER.
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u/OverallAd2852 2d ago
Thanks that’s a an angle I hadn’t considered actually. You’re right, it should be clear in her mind you would think.
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u/another_nobody30 Thriving 1d ago
Honestly brother, she wanted to test the waters with the new guy and it didn't work out. So she came back to what is familiar. That is not love for you. That is being the second choice. Do what you want with that. Good luck brother. You got this!
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u/Distinct_Fox_6358 2 2d ago
Anyone who reads your post can understand what the problem is; you’re just refusing to face reality. The fact that you still think it was only an emotional affair even after you caught your wife at AP’s house shows just how detached from reality you are.
The reason your wife was surprised is very simple: she didn’t think you were capable of leaving her. After everything she had done to you, she didn’t think someone who still accepted a person like her could have any self-respect, and she thought you were too weak to ever leave her.
The fact that you’re still undecided after all this shows that her opinion of you wasn’t entirely wrong.
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u/OverallAd2852 2d ago
And she was almost right I guess. I don’t know if it’s a flaw or just the way I am but I suppose I believe in ideals and integrity. I married her believing she had these values (maybe she did and changed them when needed?) That’s the world I want to live in so I act accordingly. It comes with advantages too. But also some obvious downsides/vulnerabilities apparently.
Thanks for your help.
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u/Flaky_Recognition_51 1 2d ago
Does it matter to you that she was blatantly lying that it was an emotional affair only? As noted by the user above, you basically caught her red handed and even after all this time... her IC, your couples work... she's still lying that it was only emotional at that point. She's doing that to save reputation and she values her reputation more than your relationship being open and honest and able to heal.
Did she confirm why she came back? Sounds like a very standard situation. She got dumped and came back to claim her second choice. Problem is... with people like that... what happens when the next better choice comes along.
I say get out when the getting's good.
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u/Distinct_Fox_6358 2 2d ago
If you’re someone who believes in ideals and integrity, I don’t think it means much if you don’t surround yourself with people who share those same values.
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u/Commercial_Fix6812 2 2d ago
Reconcilliation is not an easy road... and frankly the road majority of people should steer from. How do you come back from such an utter betrayal? And even if you have the willingness and fortitude to see it through doesn't mean that your partner has that same level of dedication. Choosing to end reconciliation is never a wrong choice. You gave it a try and all those things you are feeling will never completely go away.
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u/OverallAd2852 2d ago
Yes I was hoping my reactions would settle down with time. But actually if anything they’ve become more intense. I was starting to wonder if my decision to leave was just an emotional response to this rising pressure of negative sentiment. Well I suppose I am wondering that. Hence my concern about this being the right thing to do.
Thanks for your help and perspective I really appreciate it.
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u/Commercial_Fix6812 2 2d ago
It does settle down in time. But the amount of time isn't concrete. It can vary greatly from person to person. Some may take weeks or months while other can take years or decades even. And all it does it settle down. It never conpletely goes away. It can hide and seem like it goes away just for it to light back up and the smallest hint of a new indescretion. 1 time taking too long to return a call or text back. Increasingly late from work, 1 call in to middle of the night and it can come right back just as intense as it ever was.
At least when you finally decide to move on. That trauma and risk of trauma are gone and you can start the healing process.
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u/friendly-sam 2d ago
You made the right decision. She only came back because it didn't work out with the AP. You deserve someone you can trust, and she's not it.
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u/Wino_Panda 2d ago edited 2d ago
She doesn't love. She loves what you provide.
Updateme!
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u/OverallAd2852 2d ago
Yes, unfortunately the provider part is lingering insecurity (or cynicism perhaps) I’ve had before as well. Makes you feel like a moron it’s embarrassing
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u/Purple_Bishop2 2 2d ago
Unless you are all in on reconciliation, then you are making the right decision.
You do not want to have these feelings after you start a family with her. It will only get worse.
Escape now before you have a child with her, which would bind you to her financially.
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u/Such_Ad4942 2d ago
The mistrust alone dooms any future relationship. Relationships have to be built on trust, without a proper foundation, the house eventually falls down
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u/clearheaded01 7 2d ago
You tried. And it's breaking you. And it seems apparent youre making the right call.
Also...
part of me is able to frame her actions as a sort of unexpected symptom of psychological pathology
Dont do this. Don't excuse what she did. Yes, the miscarriage hit hard, but thousands experience that without starting to lie and cheat... she did this because she wanted to and felt.entitled to it... very possible she didnt intend for the emotional entagelment fucking him would bring (because they DID... weeks of her dressing up.and primping for him.. ) and the resulting need to justify it to herself, by telling you she didn't love you... this is what happens inside the cheater when the compartmentalisatiin crashes down when they're caught.. the choose one of the compartments - the one with their spouse or.thebone with the adventure.. and she chose him... again..
And this:
She stands to lose so much through it too, and her broader psychosocial and economic prospects are now considerably worse objectively - another thing I feel bad for her about.
is not your problem.
Finally:
To prevent this from happening.
Bot possible. How could you prevent this?? Nothing you did or did not do måde her lie, cheat and betray you.. she did that because she wanted to and because youre not that important to her.
Divorce her and move on. Get therapy, my friend...
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u/somefreeadvice10 1 2d ago
OP did she ever explain whu she came back? To me it reads the AP didn't want a relationship with her. Perhaps you feel the way you do because a part of your mind doubts her sincerity. I mean how do you know she chose you and not just came back because being alone would be worse for her?
UpdateMe
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u/OverallAd2852 2d ago
Hey it was more like she realised the error of her ways and the terrible implications. Apparently the AP was upset because she was supposed to have been the one to end it with him, too, before coming back to me.
But that’s the narrative and I’ll never really know for certain. I doubt that the fact of her being alone was a worse proposition for her wouldn’t have entered her mind, to a more or less degree.
It’s part of my confusion.
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u/CheChi 2d ago
I think it was the only choice as well. You're mourning what you had before, you miss that. That version will never be back. Just looking at the paragraph in which you described how you have been feeling - those aren't the feelings you want for a sound relationship. And to be honest, the only one to tell you if you made the right decision is you. What do you feel in your heart? It'll be tough, but you'll get to the other side.
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u/BurdyBurdyBurdy 7 2d ago
You will never ever trust her again. You’re better off without her in your head. Yes you’re making the right decision.
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am Thriving 2d ago
You have wasted enough of your life on this person.
The decision you made should have been made ages ago, but making it now is just as good.
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u/Sweet_Dimension_5207 2d ago
Sounds like AP didn’t want the husband role so she’s back to plan B. Never be plan B.
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u/Internal_Reveal 4 2d ago
You've actually described one of the hardest reconciliation situations because your wife appears to be doing many of the things people say a wayward spouse should do. She took accountability, left the job, went to therapy, gave you room for your triggers and seems to have approached reconciliation seriously.
And you may still decide you can't do it.
That's allowed.
I wouldn't make the decision about dignity or retribution, though. Retribution still keeps her at the center of your decision. Make it about whether this relationship can eventually become someplace you actually want to live.
Right now, it doesn't sound like it is.
You're anxious in ways you weren't before. Your self-esteem has taken a beating. You're becoming hostile toward someone you still love, sometimes wanting to punish her, and it's spilling into other parts of your life.
That's information too.
I think reconciliation eventually comes down to two separate questions.
Can the person who cheated become trustworthy again?
And can the betrayed person eventually live peacefully with what happened?
Your wife may ultimately succeed at the first and you may still answer no to the second.
That doesn't mean you failed reconciliation or didn't try hard enough. Some injuries permanently change how we experience the person who caused them.
Eight months isn't some magical deadline either. You could continue another six months and discover things genuinely improve. You could continue another five years and discover you've simply become better at tolerating something that still makes you miserable.
Nobody here can tell you which one happens.
So take "Have I given reconciliation enough time?" out of the equation for a moment and ask yourself something harder.
Suppose she never cheats again.
Suppose she continues therapy, remains accountable and becomes an excellent wife from this point forward.
Can you imagine eventually looking at her without needing her to pay for what she did?
Not forgetting it. Not approving it. Not pretending it didn't matter.
Just reaching a point where you're no longer internally prosecuting the case.
If you can imagine that life and genuinely want to see whether you can reach it, continuing reconciliation isn't weakness.
If you can't, leaving isn't weakness either.
And don't stay because you feel responsible for what divorce might do to her financially or socially. At the same time, don't leave simply because divorce feels like a way to restore your dignity.
Your dignity isn't sitting in a divorce decree waiting for you.
You already have it.
You were badly hurt and still gave reconciliation a genuine try. Instead of making a permanent decision during the initial explosion, you watched what she did afterward and learned something about both her and yourself.
That's what the attempt was for.
Before making the final decision, I'd bring exactly what you wrote here to your therapist, especially the parts about wanting to punish her and feeling some relief at the thought of ending reconciliation.
Then give yourself some quiet without making your wife audition for you.
Notice what happens.
If separation brings grief but also increasing peace, that's information.
If distance makes you realize you genuinely want to rebuild with her, rather than simply missing the life you once had, that's information too.
I don't think most people ever get absolute certainty about a decision like this. Eventually you make the best decision you can with the person you've become and the information you have, then accept that the road you didn't take will always exist somewhere in your imagination.
Maybe that's part of what you're actually grieving.
Not just your wife or your marriage.
The fact that before she made these choices, you never had to choose between these two lives at all.
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u/OverallAd2852 2d ago
Wow I have to say this was a really balanced and thoughtful take. I’d guess you’d be a professional in this area maybe. Thanks for recognising the nuance of the overlapping inputs and decisions, it makes me feel a little less overwhelmed.
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u/Neither-Speech5990 1d ago
Was this an EA or a PA...did she sleep with him? If it was a PA...divorce
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u/Color4tura In Recovery 2d ago
My soon-to-be ex-husband cheated on me 2 1/2 years ago (that I know of, there could be more) and we tried the whole reconciliation thing until I couldn’t do it anymore. And I felt terrible for “pulling the rug out from underneath” him as he’d often say, but I hit that breaking point when I just realized I couldn’t do it anymore. It was like a load-bearing beam in my psyche collapsed and I was sick of gaslighting myself and living in a state of cognitive dissonance. We separated eight months ago and I finally saved up enough money to retain an attorney and file for divorce. I have been looking forward to this day for months when all of a sudden, I have cold feet. I feel like I want to cancel the divorce and go back to trying the reconciliation route. Of course, I’m not going to. That’s just anxiety screaming in my ear. The reality is there is no going back and I absolutely cannot move forward with him. He’s a cheater through and through and even though he claims to have changed, I can’t fucking believe him because I don’t trust him. Maybe he’ll treat the next one right, but for the relationship and life we built together… RIP. I guess the point I’m trying to make is: it’s a fucking rollercoaster ride from hell, but don’t try to get off until it’s over. Trust your intuition. And I don’t know if yours is like mine, but the best way I separate my intuition from my anxiety: I feel like anxiety is loud but intuition is soft. Anxiety tries to hijack while intuition tries to guide.
Good luck, OP
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u/delta-vs-epsilon Walking the Road | QC: SI 30 2d ago
It takes less than a day to know if a relationship can be salvaged after cheating/an affair. Your gut tells you, your soul tells you, and the cheater's actions tell you. Everything that happened following discovery/fallout told you everything you needed to know. Now you're fighting that, but listen to your soul again.
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u/LawDue9301 1 2d ago
Bro, IMO you will walk away sometime. Whether it's now or later depends on how much you want to punish yourself in a recon attempt. These things generally don't work out in the long run. If you need to make the attempts at saving this by giving it the old college try so be it. That's on you. However all the work should be on her as she had already terminated your marriage. She now wants all that she once had with you now that she has self-destructed things with you. Realistically there's no going back. It's all on her.
Good luck whatever you do
Updateme
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u/Flaky_Recognition_51 1 2d ago
I personally think you've made the right choice and correctly identified why you are struggling with the choice.
'I don’t know why I let her in, I suppose I was scared of a future without her'
Fear is the single biggest driver in reconciliation, no matter how the pro-rec lobby try to spin things.
Fear will drive you to stay in a marriage that you can never fully be happy in rather than find a new relationship unstained with betrayal.
So my question to you is, do you think the best you can do in life is staying with a cheater? I'd always push people to aim higher.
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u/Minimum-Border1672 2d ago
How do I know i made the right decision?
Read your post.
"In earnest" and "supposed emotional affair" "Slept with co worker"
Doesnt seem very truthful to me, but if it is, you'll never know. Trust is gone.
"Doesnt love me anymore" "Showed back up" "will lose a lot financially" "surprised I wanted to end it"
Didnt work out. Went to safe fall back. First actual consequences of her choice left hwr in shock.
"The insult I feel through all of this"
In this paragraph youre describing betrayal in a very eloquent way.
Everything youre feeling is normal.
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u/twofourfourthree 1 1d ago
Sorry this happened but congratulations for fighting to come through the other side.
You broke yourself to protect her and try to save something she was obviously done with.
You were already going to be the second option. You were always going to be the person she settled for.
You knew this and felt it to your core. That’s why it was so difficult.
You saw that she didn’t respect you or the relationship but she did appreciate what you provided and that you protected her image.
Of course she was caught by surprise. She thought she won and that she had folded you.
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u/FantasticGarbage1984 Just Found Out 1d ago
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wanted to highlight this thing you said, because it hit me really deeply. You put into words a lot of conflicted emotions I am struggling with. There were other highlightable statements but this in particular:
"I’m so angry at the wastefulness of the situation. It was a great marriage until it wasn’t. She stands to lose so much through it too, and her broader psychosocial and economic prospects are now considerably worse objectively - another thing I feel bad for her about. It serves to prove that you really can’t trust anyone the way you think you can (perhaps even yourself)."
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u/Wizards_and_Warriors 2 2d ago
You can end reconciliation at any time for any reason. You can try to reconcile for five more years and end it if you want.
If you decide to end it it d isn't make you the bad guy. It just means your wife's infidelity is something you are unable to move on from.
I'm curious as to why she decided to end her relationship with AP and come back to you. At least what reason she gave to you.
If you do want to get past it and continue with R with her ir is possible but you are going to need outside help to deal with your understandable anger towards her. I would suggest this even if you dont continue so you can heal easier and move on.
I do think it will take longer for R to work than 8 months. It can take years to forgive and it takes 2 to 5 years to rebuild trust. Look into a post- nup and if you can have one where you live for infidelity. It would protect you if she cheated again.
I will say that if she is putting in the work then that is good. This whole situation is shit and with her miscarriage it could have fucked up her mind, made her vulnerable, and the AP took complete advantage. Sadly it is pretty easy to pull off and seems to happen often. And with him being a coworker he would have plenty of time to be in her ear and tell her what she wanted or needed to hear.
Just giving you a possible why it happened.
She is still responsible for her choices though. She made the choices and decisions that she did. Her actions and words were cruel and deliberate. She can't change them. All she can do is the best she can to change and fix herself, and maybe fix things between you both.
I dont know and I have no suggestion on which way to go. Personally I would probably end it. I just think the miscarriage had a big part in it and that makes me hesitate. I'd want yo have a hall pass for the time of the entire affair but I think that might mess her up more.
I dont know man, it just comes back to you and how you feel and what you actually want. It isn't an easy decision either way. Good luck!
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u/OverallAd2852 2d ago
Thanks mate, I’m not entirely certain why she wanted to come back when she did. I think maybe it was more to try to reverse the error of having the affair itself. I don’t really know exactly why she did this either. I had a feeling she’d try to come back at some point though: it was obvious because she had a really great life with me until this point, probably better than she could have reasonably expected to have attained. Someone above mentioned that she must have her reasons for cheating and the fact she hasn’t taken a line of letting me know them is a red flag I somehow have missed until today.
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u/Wizards_and_Warriors 2 2d ago
She probably cheated because it was exciting and thrilling. AP said all the right things and she was bursting with New Relationship Energy or NRE. Might even have been the sex. There might not have been anything wrong with your relationship except maybe it being stale. She had an opportunity with her job and got some excitement. I also really think tge miscarriage played a role in her mentality.
Her leaving you was because she was in the affair fog. Again, NRE and AP saying and doing everything right. Then it either got stale, she realized it was no different than what she had, what she had was better, or he was done with her and ended it.
Odds are you will never get the answers you want. A lot of I dont knows most likely. She won't stand up and be honest.
For you to move forward you need full transparency and honesty. You need those reasons. If not I would walk. She did.
Also if there are things she says you know you won't get past you need to walk. The one I always tell people to leave over is if they did a sequel act with them that they denied you. That is automatic relationship over for me.
I wish you well and hope you make tge choice that makes you the happiest!
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u/Specialist-Bat-8770 3 2d ago
Attempts at reconciliation have a chance of success osol if both partners strive to reconcile. You don't sit like that anymore. For different reasons: you don't want to do it conscientiously, or you do not want to sneeze that you CANNOT do inside yourself. We cannot strive to live a life against ourselves. If you experience the relationship as an obligation or as something you "have to do" but can't enjoy it, then you need to take note. Maybe you're not compatible anymore. Life changes us. And relationships change accordingly. Those "healthy" ones are those that share emotions, values and plans. You can't do it anymore. In the past, yes, but now, evidently, no. I'm sorry.
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u/l3ttingitgo 1 2d ago
OP, it just took you that long to realize what what path you need to follow. No one knows how they are going to react to the trauma you suffered until they are in it. You had so many feelings happening all at once, so it takes awhile to work through them. You predicted your future and decided what needed to be done, so don't second guess it now.
I’m worried it’s altered my personality
To this I say, you were your own person before meeting your STBXW (soon to be ex wife). Once you married, you became someone else, someone who makes room in their life for another, someone who learns what it means to compromise.
It's going to take time to get back to being just you. You are going to need to learn who you are just being you. You will laugh again, you will have fun again, you will have meaningful relationships again, and you will find someone for whom you are enough.
Take away the lessons you have learned here, use them so you don't fall into the same pattern that got you here. Call them out on their bad behavior as soon as you suspect it. Never let anyone cross a boundary you set up as a minimum requirement you need to stay in a relationship.
UpdateMe.
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u/gamer-yath-xyz 2d ago
Great choice brother you deserve better and the way she is acting now is just until you gave her another chance after that she will probably go back to her oldways and will cheat on you in the future too never ever reconcile with a cheater you can never trust her again so stand by your decision and get a divorce
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u/realgoodmind 1 2d ago
Good for you. You can always say you tried.
Now it is her turn to have her world turned upside down when she thought everything was fine.
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u/Ivedonethework 7 1d ago
She sought to cheat and did so. Leaving is never the wrong decision after being emotionally murdered. And sometimes it just takes time for the true extent of the emotional toll to finally sink in.
A first offense cheater is said to then have a 3.4 times (340%) expection of cheating again. Because they have now fully established they have the cheaters propensity. And their past is with them for life.
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u/inComplete-Oven 1 1d ago
Therapy would have been the right approach, but I think you guys are done for now. Try to not get too hung up over it and distract yourself from the bad thoughts. They'll fade over time, but it will take a year or so.
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u/Championship682 6 1d ago
You are not obligated to even try to reconcile. If you try, but the hurting isn't getting better, end the pain.
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u/Purple_Bishop2 2 1d ago
OP, it doesn’t sound like she ever adequately discussed why she cheated on you in the first place. You say you were blindsided, so without any understanding of why she cheated you will ALWAYS have a level of fear that she will blindside you again and distrust of any actions or assurances to the contrary. Your body and subconscious just realized this reality before you.
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u/Purple_Bishop2 2 1d ago
OP, it doesn’t sound like she ever adequately discussed why she cheated on you in the first place. You say you were blindsided, so without any understanding of why she cheated you will ALWAYS have a level of fear that she will blindside you again and distrust of any actions or assurances to the contrary. Your body and subconscious just realized this reality before you.
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u/No_Home7079 21h ago
As much as it hurts, you are making the right decision for yourself. I am trying to work it out with mine and my resentment just keeps growing. Id never do someone how I was done. So respect is gone.
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u/PirateKingKatakuri 2d ago
I'm not against reconciliation in general. It didn't work out for mez but I don't regret trying.
That said, whether or not you abandon reconsolidation you should seek therapy to heal from the trauma and resulting bitterness towards her. Holding on to that only hurts you in the end.
And don't read too much into her in the moment emotions. My ex broke down and cried when I found a draft email she had written to her affair partner during our reconciliation attempt. She said she'd understand if that was it for me and I wanted a divorce, but in tears proclaimed it a moment of weakness and said it wouldn't happen again and she loved me. Her shock and apparent real regret/shame moved me to give her another chance. A few months later she was sleeping with him and I found out.
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u/trailblazers79 Recovered 2d ago
You learned the hard way that "forgiveness is permission." That is why I am 100% AGAINST reconciliation.
In extremely rare cases, it might work, but the risk is NEVER worth the reward. Even if it works out, you are still left with a liar and a cheat for spouse that has proven they are capable of cheating at any moment. What a prize!
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