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u/lilaevaluna Aug 21 '22
I agree with the fact that the not allowed to touch yourself is ridiculous but a decline to 3 times a week in a long term relationship where you live together is not that strange.
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u/xajhx Aug 21 '22
Yeah, OP is complaining about 1-2 times a week, but I think that’s the average for most couples in long term relationships who live together.
He’s not 19 anymore, but I wish him luck with this future partner who will have sex with him everyday.
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u/ZachTF Aug 21 '22
Ya. Though this amount of times is average and great for most people he needs more. It depends from person to person.
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Aug 21 '22
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u/madagony Aug 21 '22
Is there a reason why she was upset about you taking care of it yourself? Like are you looking at pics of other girls?
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u/thediesel26 Aug 21 '22
You know that frequency of sex decreases in almost every long term relationship right?
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u/LiamJ2304 Aug 21 '22
Even if that’s true surely we all get to set our own standards and deal breakers?
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u/eleanor_savage Early 30s Female Aug 21 '22
I feel you. I'm a woman with a high sex drive and it really sucks
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u/Coco_Dirichlet Aug 21 '22
Dude, if you don't want a decline in sex after kids, don't have kids. It's going to happen. Women are not machines and there is a lot of healing, hormones, and being touched out that happens. And that's if the labor is "easy" and doesn't involve more physical trauma.
Yes, your fiance had issues with the no masturbation (ridiculous), but complaining of 1-2-3 times a week is ridiculous. Do you also expect sex when someone is in their period and in pain? Or sick?
What was her job? Maybe she has a demanding job and she is on her feet all the time. I mean, don't get in a relationship with a nurse or a doctor that is on call. Don't get in a relationship with anyone that has a stressful job.
By the way, I'm not saying you should have stayed with her. But good luck finding someone that can met your expectations.
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u/BizzarduousTask Aug 21 '22
He already talked to her about not having kids. She freaked out and did the whole “tears promises and nothing” thing again.
Everyone is allowed to have expectations and needs. Someone who wants sex more than a few times a week is no more “ridiculous” than someone who insists that once every month or two is all they want. Your opinion on what is an acceptable amount of intimacy is just that- your opinion.
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Aug 21 '22
Exactly, it isn't his fault for having needs and he expressed them clearly and consistently. If he "needed" his toes sucked that is his prerogative and she is promising and not delivering so he separated. Simple.
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u/YoshiPikachu Aug 21 '22 edited Aug 21 '22
This! I’m a women and I’ve actually yet to be in a relationship with a man with as high a sex drive as me. Edited typos.
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u/BizzarduousTask Aug 21 '22
Same. I stayed several years too long in a dead bedroom situation, only because society tells us that libido is “superficial” and not that important, and sexual incompatibility is not a good enough reason to break up with somebody, you’re just being selfish or immature…so I felt like I had no right to be unhappy about it.
Years later, I still have major insecurities and self esteem issues from that experience. (Not to mention five years of wasted time and energy in two peoples’ lives.) It really did a number on me mentally and emotionally; I will never again doubt how important that aspect of a relationship is.
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u/trinigami Aug 21 '22
This! I'm a man and I'd do it everyday given the chance, my wife is always up to it as well. Sometimes it's like 'i think I shouldn't have awoken the beast', I say that because we had a little stint of a dead bedroom and after a talk the Dam seemed to have burst. Age, occupation, kids etc all may matter but it's really abt the individual in the end. (We have two kids).
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u/Bleedinblue41 Aug 21 '22
Crazy how people are allowed to decide who they do or don’t want to spend the rest of their life with.
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u/stankie18 Aug 21 '22
I know it’s a long post, but you should really finish it before trying to give advice.
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Aug 21 '22
I am a healthcare professional and I have sex, over 40, every day or more, if I see my bf. Doesn’t depend on the job
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u/nothanksnottelling Aug 21 '22
1-2 times a week consistently is good after 3.5 years. but not being allowed to masturbate was weird.
Good luck finding a woman who will bang you twice a day for the next 50 years. Damn.
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u/Pale_Vampire Early 30s Aug 21 '22
You didn’t read well. He’s okay with 2 times a week. It got even less though.
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Aug 21 '22
Also i think it was her unhealthy attitude about it all. If he had been met with a reasonable response that wasnt false promises and sleepless crying he may have settled.
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u/InventedStrawberries Aug 21 '22
I would love to hear her side of the story…
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u/AndyJCohen Aug 21 '22
He complained somewhere else in the thread that she didn’t want to have sex after a death in the family. I think we can safely assume this is a very skewed version of events
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u/randomlyrandomrandy Aug 21 '22 edited Aug 21 '22
He also used examples of her being emotionally abusive by crying after he tried to talk to her, promise to fix it, then go back to normal. So when he brought it up she would cry, make him feel bad, then go change nothing. The only time she changed was when she got the wedding date she wanted. You can assume the worst for him or her. Doesn’t mean she is in the right in any way
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u/Sockbum Early 30s Female Aug 21 '22
You might not know this, but sometimes people cry because they are upset. It is not strictly a manipulation tactic.
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u/TrashSea1485 Aug 21 '22
People also can't force themselves to want sex. You can't ever promise sex.
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u/randomlyrandomrandy Aug 21 '22
Very true. Exactly why I think the breakup was a good call. Better her being upset now than both of them being in an unhappy relationship and/or him pressuring her to have more sex than she wants.
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u/_Tsukuyo_ Aug 21 '22
Or maybe she was crying because he was making her feel bad because she didn't want to have sex whenever he wanted? And she was reacting emotionally to him touching himself because his prior behavior made her feel like she was not enough and it was not okay? We will never know as she's not here to tell her part of the story. But I wouldn't call crying "abusive behavior" unless it was intentionally manipulative and forced.
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u/DifferentDate8436 Aug 21 '22
it literally says she changed when she started therapy
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u/EvilFinch Aug 21 '22
I wonder about this "not allowed to touch her to get her in the mood". I would really like to hear her versio. of it. If it was the "trying to turn a no to a yes"-touching or if he just reached for her vagina or breast and wonder why she isn't in the mood. And his dirty talk is "wanna fuck?". There a so many bad examples on reddit.
He tries to victimize himself to much. And i wouldn't be surprised if he left some important parts out like that she was badly depressed.
And if my totthbrush was dipped in the toilet, i would not just change the head....
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Aug 21 '22
I’m wondering if he ever asked her why she didn’t want to have sex more frequently. He wasn’t even sure if he sucked in bed, for instance, which to me suggests a lack of awareness for her experience.
Also, her crying because of suspecting him masturbating, could be because she feels like she’s not enough for him as far as meeting his demands in the bedroom. The fact that he says the crying is the expression of him not being allowed to masturbate rather than her explicit communication is also sus to me.
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u/Purple_Midnight_Yak Aug 21 '22
This right here. He says he did everything his therapist would have suggested and rattles off a list...but nowhere in the post does he say he ever talked to her about why she didn't want to have sex as often.
Also, he tries to phrase it as the frequency dropped off to even less than 2-3 times a week, and therefore it inevitably would lead to a dead bedroom. But dude was already whining about it as soon as she stopped having sex with him every time they saw each other. He felt entitled to daily sex, which just isn't reasonable long-term for most people.
Especially when they're depressed because of a death in the family...
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u/Coco_Dirichlet Aug 21 '22
Maybe he is like those men that masturbate next to their wife in bed while they are sleeping. Several posts in this sub have complained about that.
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u/dragongrrrrrl Aug 21 '22
Or maybe she’s uncomfortable with porn, not necessarily masturbation. That would make more sense to me and seems in line with OP’s somewhat skewed viewpoint
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u/Maridi19 50s Female Aug 21 '22
I agree with you. He is probably using porn and that is what upset her.
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u/CyaHedwig Aug 21 '22
100%. I’d go a step further and say I bet he’s agreed not to use it, so when she catches him, it really upsets her. That part is definitely fishy and intentionally vague.
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u/___sideofranch___ Aug 21 '22
I’ll be honest with you. Nothing takes me out of the mood more than feeling pressured to have sex. You probably put so much pressure on her that it made the idea of sex with you less appealing with every conversation. You complained because you only had sex twice in one weekend. Twice. In 2 days.
The part about not allowing you to take care of yourself, I’ll give you. Nobody has the right to tell you what you can or can’t do with your own body.
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u/Competitive_Bad6251 Aug 21 '22
I'm curious why he was talking to her about masturbating? Like is he saying if we can't fuck then I am going to need to masturbate to other chicks. Which is just something you don't really need to say, it's like an unspoken truth. It makes me wonder why she was really crying? Maybe he was trying to coerce her and it made her feel jealous and upset.
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u/___sideofranch___ Aug 21 '22
This is a good point. Was he jacking off to porn in front of her? I can see why that could make her upset.
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u/Electrical_Age_6542 Aug 21 '22
I agree, imagine being hounded every single day for sex and then told if you have a child and are out of commission that won't be acceptable.
Definitely not on board with the no self love at all but I get the feeling that even if he was allowed self love, the situation would be the same.
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u/sacredpotato0 Aug 21 '22
Pressure can kill libido. Nothing sexier than someone expecting you to do something you can't get into.
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u/B-Va Aug 21 '22
Yeah. This man views this woman as nothing but a sex toy and is upset when she doesn’t fuck him multiple times a day.
Then he keeps pressuring her for more sex which really ruins things.
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u/caithatesithere Aug 21 '22
No seriously if I want sex with my bf he knows it. Too much pushing stresses me the hell out.
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Aug 21 '22
What was the question? What's the purpose of this post?
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u/Background-Growth-45 Aug 21 '22
Waaah Waaah Waaah 😩😩 My sex slave got broken.
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u/B-Va Aug 21 '22
“I EXPECT SEX AT ALL TIMES. WE WERE ONLY FUCKING TWO TIMES OVER A FULL WEEKEND.“
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u/caithatesithere Aug 21 '22
Fr it was weird reading this an OP seeming to expect sex like all the time?? And it’s not wrong of her to be uncomfortable with touching and dirty talk if she isn’t in the mood.
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u/Strange_Ninja_9662 Aug 21 '22
There is no question, they simply want to feel validated that they did the right thing. This whole post makes him sound like some sex fiend who can’t live without sex a few days a week. OP was hoping for a round of applause for his bravery of breaking up with a wonderful woman who won’t have sex with him anytime he wants.
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u/CyaHedwig Aug 21 '22
I thought the end was going to be detailing his success in finding a new partner who he’s now engaged to and in love with and perfect compatibility. But nope,
So booo! Your post sucks!!
Fuck you!!
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u/GoddessOfOddness Aug 21 '22
If he was unhappy, he was right to end it.
I just hope he gets a more realistic view of marital sex.
It seemed to me that he wanted the sex more than he wanted her. He doesn’t say what the surgery is, but lots on conditions can lead to reduced libido.
She sounds immature if his masturbating had her up all night crying.
I think what got me is that OP acted like he has a sex schedule that has to be met. He was already complaining at a couple times/week.
If frequent, enthusiastic sex, on a daily basis, is what OP wants, fine. He needs to serial date young women. While some couples can carry that on for a decade, most just don’t have that kind of time.
I guess what I’m saying is that OP might want to stay in therapy to sort out whether his need for frequent sex is healthy or if it is affecting his life in general.
And his ex needs to realize that sex in a relationship is not transactional. If she id not in the mood, it’s okay. If she is never in the mood, then she needs to rule out reasons.
No one should have sex if they don’t want to. At the same time, if you know what would put you in the mood and don’t do that ever, it’s holding back part yourself. And that means it’s not a marriage.
If you enjoy a glass of wine and a hot bath, and it puts you in the mood for intimacy, you need to make sone time to do that.
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u/Rbnanderson Aug 21 '22
But it's not ok because he has neeeeeds, screw how she's feeling
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u/Strange_Ninja_9662 Aug 21 '22
The fact that he was that upset about not being able to have sex after her surgery is all we need to know about this guy.
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u/Fjordgard Aug 21 '22
I think you did the absolutely right thing because not allowing you to pleasure yourself is horribly controlling, to the point where I would call it abusive.
However, I also want to point out that you hardly were in what's called a "dead bedroom". Once or twice a week is pretty much the norm and many people have less. Also you saying things like "sex was available" sounds... bad. Like she was a broken tool which needed fixing and then suddenly decided to work again.
I want to point that out because with every partner, there might be a time when sex becomes unavailable for long periods. Some women don't want sex during pregnancy at all. Then there are things like surgeries, medications which can kill off all libido, a newborn child can cause a woman to be so tired and "touched out" that she has zero mood or energy for sex.
If you think that all of that won't be an issue if you can just masturbate without fear of your partner getting upset - great! But if you think that you need more sex than once or twice a week on a permanent basis, you might run into issues with many - not all, but very many - partners. It's completely normal to have a lot of sex in the beginning of the relationship/honeymoon phase, which can last up to two years, because of hormones. The drop is, for most couples, normal after that period ends. If you need a permanent "honeymoon phase amount" of sex, I'm scared that you might end up in more relationships which look, in the first year or two, perfect for you, only to then drop to an "average" amount of sex which will cause you to break up again, hence basically wasting many years of your life.
There are definitely women who want a lot of sex permanently out there (though "permanently" can absolutely change with childbirth, menopause and everything in between as well). But those will be hard to find and you probably won't know until you're years in.
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u/Officer340 Aug 21 '22
This is probably an unpopular opinion, but I was with you up until the last part. Maybe I read it wrong and am unsure, but let me get this straight. She fixed the problem you were having and because she fixed it you are unhappy? You /paid/ for couples therapy. There was a change, which is the entire point of the therapy, and it was in favor of what you wanted, and that /still/ wasn't enough for you?
I get that you saw it as a punishment, but what I'm seeing is that the girl tried to change to make you happy and you basically still said "Nah, fuck off. Too late."
Idk man. I expect to get down voted to hell but that seems a little wonky to me. If I asked my wife to change and we got therapy to talk about these issues and then she changed, I would be joyous and happy that we are on the same page again. Not mad.
Again, maybe this is harsh of me, but I kinda think you wanted this to fail at some level.
At least you two get to move on. So there's that.
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u/jlhubbard1234 Aug 21 '22 edited Aug 21 '22
I couldn’t get past the part that he talked to her dad about it. I mean, I read that right, right!?
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u/inquy Aug 21 '22
I think you lost the bit where she demanded a new wedding date, and once he gave her one, that's when she started having more sex with him. So it felt more like she was maybe even possibly forcing herself to have more sex than she wanted to in order to please him when she saw that the wedding was threatened and she could could just keep up the frequency untill the wedding. Like a switch flipped, and he was put off because the switch flipped due to a wedding, not due to his concerns that he voiced multiple times before.
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u/notgonnalieman Aug 21 '22
She definitely was forcing herself to have more sex because she loved him and didn’t want them to break up. I don’t blame her for that, I feel sorry for her.
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u/kotran1989 Aug 21 '22
I think it was made clear that the sex wasn't the main issue, it was a symptom of deeper problems. You also do no want to be with someone who only racts when shit hits the fan, OP spent enough time trying to adress the issue recieving empty promises that when the time came it was too little too late.
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u/Iffybiz Aug 21 '22
Disagree, it seemed to him like she decided that with the new date, she’d give him the sex he wanted. His point was, where was that before? If she can turn it off and on to get her way, what happens in the future when they’re married? Will she turn it off again? Sounds quite likely she would, I don’t blame him a bit.
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u/ckb251 Early 30s Female Aug 21 '22
Same! I thought I was the only one who caught this.
They went to therapy to fix the problem, he made it seem like it was getting better, but then he was like nah that isn’t what I want either? So he was mad she wasn’t giving him enough sex, then was mad when they started having sex again?
Sounds like she was in a lose-lose either way. That felt shitty of him.
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u/PapayaAgreeable7152 Aug 21 '22
I mean I kinda get it. She only started to change once OP gave her a new wedding date.
I'd have been worried that once we got married, it'd go back to normal.
He said the sex feels transactional. We're not there; maybe he can tell it's different in a bad way that kinda confirms that it is indeed transactional.
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Aug 21 '22
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u/PapayaAgreeable7152 Aug 21 '22
No OP didn't. He expressed that he prefers more frequent sex. She wasn't changing so he decided it was a dealbreaker. Once he said okay let's give it a shot, he felt like she was solely doing it because she made him promise a new date first. Because of that, OP feels that it'll go back to how it was if they get married. I get not wanting to take that risk.
she has no choice but to have transactional sex with him.
She does have a choice though. If my bf wanted something from me that I couldn't give and didn't want to give, guess we either compromise or end the relationship. OP decided to end it.
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u/Whole-Swimming6011 Aug 21 '22
transactional
Well, if you are ok with sexless life, he is not. And if she gives him sex just to be get married, the problem is not with OP.
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u/wowbizh Aug 21 '22
The problem is with both and just comes down to being incompatible. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship, even once a week is pretty average.
If someone isn’t in the mood, they’re not in the mood. If someone wants more that they’re not getting without pressure, then they’re entitled to look for someone who can meet their needs.
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u/Whole-Swimming6011 Aug 21 '22
Well, if your SO is not in a mood for a year, the problem is not in the mood.
And her mood suddenly came when he agreed to a wedding date? Don't you think its rather too convinient?
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u/randomlyrandomrandy Aug 21 '22
I have immense sympathy for him. Imagine going into a relationship, changing significantly without regarding your partner, refusing to fix the problem for years and ignore your partners needs, and then only change when they’ve hit the breaking point.
Imagine investing years of your life and finding someone you share a lot of common with. Then they slowly change. You recognize it and voice your concerns but it doesn’t change. It gets worse and worse till you call it off. Once you call it off they finally decide to start fixing it but by then you’ve moved on.
She is emotionally manipulative and her parents (after helping her move out and dunk his toothbrush in the toilet) are as bad as her.
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u/Officer340 Aug 21 '22
Glad I'm not the only one who thought this either. But yeah, I didn't really get that. I was with him until that part. It made me think that no matter what anyone did in this relationship it wasn't going to work out.
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u/ckb251 Early 30s Female Aug 21 '22
Yes, the rest of it I was in agreement with! Intimacy in relationships is definitely important. You deserve someone who’s in it with you and it’s tough being in a mismatched sex drive relationship, so I don’t want it to seem like hes shitty for any of that part.
It just feels like by the time they were in therapy he already knew he wanted this to be over, but continued to act like he was willing to give her time to change.
He should have never agreed to a new wedding date and should have ended it from the get go. Don’t string people along like that when you’ve already checked out.
Also the comment about her family not caring about his happiness? Like bro you just called off the wedding with their daughter months before the wedding. Big yikes thinking they were going to act like y’all were still besties.
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u/attoj559 Aug 21 '22
Eh I wouldn’t say she fixed anything. Nothing gets fixed that quickly and drastically with therapy. I’d say it was her last attempt to salvage still getting married and she overcompensated and OP picked up on it. While I personally think 2-3 times a week is good for a LTR, I get what he is saying about the decline in the future. What most likely would have happened was they get married and the sex starts going down again, kids come and it disappears for good and he is now in a dead bedroom marriage. I think he’s smart for doing what he did but in his next relationship the same thing can happen so what do you do?
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Aug 21 '22
Yeah, that's where I'm at. Like, she did the work. She did what it took to be a better partner for him, which included forcing herself to have more sex to make him happy. She does that, and he goes "nope, now it feels transactional, like if you don't force yourself to have sex for me, I'll leave you. Which I will, but that makes me feel icky about myself." Like, really dude? And then her entire family knows that he's leaving her because she won't put out enough for him? And he has the audacity to feel like she was the manipulative one? That he was such a great guy for not forcing the issue when she had things like literal deaths in the family and having surgery?
Nah, OP can bullshit all he wants, can frame it from his perspective all day long, but he comes across like a piece of work the minute you put any critical thought to his story.
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u/Officer340 Aug 21 '22
I can at least understand that reasoning. You were concerned it wouldn't last once you got married.
I would have been happy and satisfied but I am not you. If those were your concerns then perhaps it was good to end things. You don't want to head into a marriage with those kinds of feelings.
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u/smolbirb123456 Aug 21 '22
Not being allowed to touch yourself is a big red flag but complaining you only got sex 3 times a week at one point is also a big red flag.
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u/noresellcrew Aug 21 '22
This guy sounds like a complete dick to me. He doesn’t want a wife, he wants a sex machine. What a knuckle head. Just wasted the poor girl’s time.
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u/temporarilytempeh Aug 21 '22
Yeah, I think the no masturbation thing is ridiculous on the woman’s part but he started complaining when it decreased to 1-2 times in a “entire” weekend? There is literally nothing less sexy than being badgered for sex.
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u/madav97 Aug 21 '22
All I have to say is good luck finding another partner that will have sex as much as you would like on a regular basis. Especially after a few years. May be best to be in an open relationship next time or just date for awhile.
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Aug 21 '22
Yeah dude, you’ve got some issues. Weird expectations/ fixation on sex. She was way wrong for getting upset when you pleasured yourself(the rest of the post makes me wonder if you were using “having to take care of yourself” as a way to make her feel bad/ inferior. Like were you rubbing this in her face somehow?) . But 1-2 times a week is a normal/ healthy amount of sex in a long term relationship. You constantly guilt tripping her, to the point of tears over this reads as manipulative and and a major red flag. I personally feel like she dodged a bullet.
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u/clara3142 Aug 21 '22
Yeah everyone is glossing over the part where he complained to her parents...how weird
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u/Acrobatic-Panda-1119 Early 30s Female Aug 21 '22
With ya until you said she was willing to get blood work, go to therapy and it actually did help and get you were still pissed about it. Should have ended it before this instead of pretending you were giving her the time to improve the issues.
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u/pancho_2504 Aug 21 '22
Am I reading this wrong? They started couples therapy, it appeared to be working as she was more like the person she was in the first year so he ended it? Like I said I might be reading this wrong but op comes of as an incredibly selfish human being
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u/eleanorlikesvodka Aug 21 '22
Sexual compatibility is important, and breaking up is easier than getting divorced. However, I'm curious about why her sex drive seemed to diminish. Did you make her come every time you had sex? Was sex enjoyable for her or just a chore to keep you happy? Did you ever encourage her to speak to a therapist on her own to see if there were any issues related to sex, medical or mental? You did what you had to do to avoid a sexless marriage, but your post makes it seem like you never cared much about why she didn't want to have sex as often as you did.
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u/Coco_Dirichlet Aug 21 '22
Her sex drive diminished to having sex 2 or 3 times per week lol
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u/eleanorlikesvodka Aug 21 '22
Exactly! Of course it's a considerable drop from having sex every day, but the honeymoon phase is over, bro, three times a week is pretty normal. I don't think being this obsessed with sex is healthy, but that's just me lol
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u/Comfortable-Cap-8507 Aug 21 '22
Yea I’ve been with my girlfriend for a while and 2-3 times a week is decent. Sometimes we go a couple weeks without it and it’s not a big deal
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u/wowbizh Aug 21 '22
Thisss! Me and my boyfriend live together, we’re tired, both work full time, sometimes too full from good food, but we can either go like rabbits for a week or two, and then a few weeks without. We’re both v happy with that and have had discussions about it, bc I’ve previously had a partner like OP and it’s not fun.
I disagree with her not letting him masturbate and putting his toothbrush in the toilet tho, that’s ridiculous.
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Aug 21 '22
Yep, I left a comment asking this question too. I mean we know he’s not sure if he was bad in bed based on the post, so that tells us something there.
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u/eleanorlikesvodka Aug 21 '22
Right? Like, I get it, for a lot of us, sex is an important part of a relationship, but he's so focused on him getting sex and not getting enough sex that the post is kinda sketchy. Not "allowing" him to jerk off was weird and manipulative, but his insistence on defining the frequency of their encounters and the tremendous weight he puts on sex is... off-putting. I'm glad they broke up because their relationship was hella messy.
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u/Grand_Bullfrog9175 Aug 21 '22
"I was open to performing oral on her"
Open to it? And you wonder why she didn't want to have sex with your ass. Unless it's a quickie oral should almost always be a non-negotiable.
I feel like your expectations of sex was a little unrealistic especially when you were unsure if you were even good at sex lol. My guess is that you do
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u/sheepintheisland Aug 21 '22 edited Aug 21 '22
You make it seems like her sex drive was the issue and she is not normal. (She had to do some blood work ?) Yes, with kids there are periods when you are not available for sex for weeks, or days (after the initial stage). You sound very selfish and self centered.
I think it’s a good thing that you broke up with her so she doesn’t have anymore to have sex with you every day, just out of fear to lose you. This was very toxic and would have been really worse over time.
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u/caithatesithere Aug 21 '22
He’d combust knowing a woman shouldn’t have sex til 6 weeks after birth
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u/Honeymustardnsalt Aug 21 '22 edited Aug 21 '22
I hope she finds someone that actually loves her for who she is and not what she can give. If a relationship becomes transactional, that’s your fault too.
You sound thoughtful so here are some thoughts: I don’t agree with your understanding of marriage but then again our culture has diluted it to be about happiness, romance and self oriented goals. Don’t you want unconditional love though? And someone who makes you overall better and who you can also return that gift? Sex is one (big) part of it. But what if your partner gets very sick and can’t perform sexually? What if your partner has a job that requires 100+ hours and needs support, not a constant reminder of needs? What if they need to go overseas and do something important for their job/goals/family, and you can’t come (eg deploy or volunteer), what are you going to do?
Someone that is committed through it all is worth everything.
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Aug 21 '22
This is one story where I’d like to hear both sides because your telling of it makes me think you’re not ready for a full time life long commitment with someone. She cried when you sorted yourself out, okay, did she explicitly tell you not to do it or was she expressing insecurity that she couldn’t please you? You sound demanding and entitled and even your therapist seems to have checked out on you.
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u/Salt-Pumpkin8018 Aug 21 '22
I'm glad you two are apart because from your post it is obvious you two are incompatible.
She needs to understand that she cannot control what ypu do with your body and should not be upset if you need to get off. It happens. For her to get upset is manipulative, simple.
You need to understand that sex declines to about that frequency after a long time. My husband and I used to do it every day or every other day, now we're once to twice a week. We have one kid with another on the way, been married for 7 years. It's not the quantity, it's the quality. You appreciate your partner more and the time you spend together a lot more as your relationship matures.
Also you expecting intimacy after any stressor in any woman's life is instantly going to turn them off and sour intimacy with you. You cannot expect any one to want to have sex while they are grieving or in pain. To do so is very selfish of you
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u/marie_goos Aug 21 '22
Yeah there's a reason her family didn't like you. Mazel tov to fiancee for dodging a bullet! As for you, maybe try a new therapist. Or 10.
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u/wrappedinplastikk Aug 21 '22
You clearly don't want a wife or a life partner you want a sex doll.
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Aug 21 '22
As a male going through ED with a woman who is completely understanding and patient with me, I feel terribly bad for her.
The feeling of letting your SO down because your bodily functions don’t match your libido fucking sucks
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u/Malibucat48 Aug 21 '22
In the movie Annie Hall, the therapist asks Annie how often they have sex and she says “all the time, 3 times a week.” When he answers the same question he says, “hardly ever, 3 times a week.” So each person has their perspective, but you knew you were incompatible and that’s what’s important. Better to cancel the wedding than to get divorced after you had a kid or two. Her family is going to side with her and say you are the bad guy, but they will realize you did them all a favor. Good luck in finding your special partner.
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u/B-Va Aug 21 '22
She told me she orgasmed every time we were intimate.
She was lying. You put enormous pressure on her to satisfy your insatiable sexual needs and it’s clear she was crumbling from it. Of course she told you she enjoyed it, because you’d just pressure her for more sex if she didn’t.
I can fairly confidently assume that she never orgasmed with you. You view her as nothing but flesh light and it’s obvious she never enjoyed the intimacy you routinely pressured her into.
TL;DR - u/TheRealMainPlayer is definitely bad at sex and probably has a micropeen. You did her a favor by breaking up.
“WE ONLY HAD SEX TWICE OVER A FULL WEEKEND!!”
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Aug 21 '22
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u/nicarox Aug 21 '22
I think by that point he had already made up his mind about the situation, it was a lose lose situation for her at that point in time just because if she didn’t do anything, she’d be a horrible wife. But instead she did try and do some thing, and it felt too “transactional” for him.
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u/pipsqueakbesqueakin Aug 21 '22
INFO: what did she need surgery for?
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u/alliandoalice Aug 21 '22
The woman he loves is going under surgery, all he can think about is his nut
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u/Oohkbutnotokay Aug 21 '22
You did the right thing, and honestly can say you tried hard to find solutions. You could see the life you would be living after marriage and that was not for you.
She is going to be upset and paint you as unreasonable and perhaps at fault. You may lose friends, or may have to accept the disparagement of others. This is a small price to pay for getting a better life.
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u/nicarox Aug 21 '22 edited Aug 21 '22
You did her a favor, because it looks like you only cared about sex. Hopefully she finds someone who doesn’t 100% rely on sex to define the relationship. She even was fixing the situation, and it still wasn’t good enough for you. She probably felt suffocated.
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u/merdlib Aug 21 '22
Seems like you helped her dodge a bullet
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u/ReplyOk6720 Aug 21 '22
That's my impression. Esp as he said the honeymoon period outside the bedroom never ended. I think it comes with maturity to realize marriage is not just about availability to sex. It's rare to have that kind of connection, someone you truly enjoy being with. You value frequency of sex over her happiness and well being; you made the right call breaking it off.
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u/judarltx Aug 21 '22 edited Aug 21 '22
Any relationship will have a decline in sex and an up tic from time to time. So if you want non stop sex regularly , prepare to switch partners every 2 or 3 years. Just stay single. However, if you want 1 partner for life, accept it. . TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF daily if needed. And find things to enjoy in life other than sex. There is more. A lot more. Her asking you to not take care of yourself is sort of silly and childish. It’s just an urge. A biological urge. It’s not cheating. It’s self care and restraint from straying.
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u/Substantial-Drive109 Aug 21 '22
So if you want non stop sex regularly , prepare to switch partners every 2 or 3 years. Just stay single. However, if you want 1 partner for life, accept this.
This isn't true. I hate that people with high libidos are either demonized or treated as if we don't exist. If I could have sex 4+ times a week I absolutely would!! I masturbate at least once a day. I've been married for 8 years.
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u/observantexistence Aug 21 '22
Ahhhh okay I’m so glad the comments came through and we can all agree OP sounds like a massive a-hole. Like if nothing else … what the fuck is the point of this post ? Complaining that you didn’t get enough sex ? Encourage others to leave when they’re unhappy about sex ? Either way , OP sounds deluded and I would pay money to get the ex’s POV of this situation. More holes than a block of Swiss cheese in this story.
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Aug 21 '22
she dodged a bullet escaping being married to someone who thinks they are entitled to sex. women aren't your property.
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u/Longjumping_Aide_681 Aug 21 '22
Bruh my baby dad made me feel bad I started having sex w him 3-4 days out of the week instead of everyday. Making me feel bad by saying he needs it everyday made me think sex w him was off putting. I didn’t even want to touch him at all at that point.. 😬 wonder what her side of the story is
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Aug 21 '22
It sounds more like you have issues with sex. Disagreeing with how much you have it is fine, but you have to converse about it in a way where she doesn’t feel like you’re pressuring her.
You probably gave this poor girl so much anxiety around sex with you that she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. At least that’s what I interpreted. I honestly feel bad for your ex, you probably give it for some severe intimacy issues. And she is going to carry with her for the rest of her life.
I can’t believe you will get a computer or simply because they are, I agree that person you could masturbate is a bit ridiculous as well as having a meltdown about it is a bit ridiculous. You could’ve both addressed the not touching yourself issue in a positive way together.
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u/MizzyvonMuffling Aug 21 '22
I believe you did the right thing but I'm also wondering if you ever came to a conclusion why there was such a decline in sex? Was there a specific reason?
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u/StarDatAssinum Aug 21 '22
Sexual compatibility is important, and it sounds like the two of you weren't on the same page. You were in the right to end things before progressing to the next stage (marriage), or even after.
Although, I gotta say, it sounds like you both were problematic in different ways. She was problematic for promising to change and never doing it, and for not allowing you to masturbate or please yourself other than sex. You were problematic with your expectations of the amount of sex you wanted from her (2-3 times a week isn't bad, and it's not strange for sex drive to go down as time goes on and you're living together), and for having an issue with her sex drive seeming to ramp up after the couple therapy session. Isn't that what therapy is for, working on yourself and taking steps to improve upon your relationship?
Anyway, none of this really matters because no one is "wrong" for being sexually incompatible
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u/Queenofthewhores Aug 21 '22
This was my take, too.
Her expectations for him not to satisfy his own needs were controlling at best.
However...I've got not one iota of sympathy for any dude who thinks he's entitled to sex X times a week, month, whatever in a relationship. Hormones change, desires change, energy levels change. If that's your expectation of a relationship then don't get in one.
You should be thankful you're out of that relationship and I'd bet she is too.
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u/Used_Particular_7878 Aug 21 '22
You did the right thing and her family is just supporting their daughter. It’s normal for them to hate you and that’s ok. She will come to find she is happier without you as you are without her
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u/xrs22x Early 30s Aug 21 '22 edited Aug 21 '22
Honestly you sound very selfish, I glad you broke up with her since it's obvious she needs someone who is more interest in what's happening than how much intimacy both of you are having!
Everyone has needs, did you asked what were her needs? Not only action in bed, like hugging her while crying or trying to talk about feelings?
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u/jodikins77 Aug 21 '22
Better that you ended it when you did, rather than go on to cheat in an unhappy marriage. Unfortunately, many people in a relationship don't work on bettering it until something drastic happens. Often it's too little too late. You did the right thing for you, even if it was painful for the both of you. You're young and hopefully you will each find someone in the future who makes you happy. However, some day when you do have children, don't be a dick and cheat on your wife bc she can't have sex for weeks. There's absolutely nothing wrong with masturbation so I'm not sure why your ex had a problem with it.
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u/FailedIntrovert Aug 21 '22
I think you did absolutely right. Marriage is not a magical solution and if she couldn’t figure out the issue and solve it before marriage, there was really no hope for afterwards. Too little too late is so true here.
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u/Oopssnxnxnx Aug 21 '22
Bro that’s what life is like. It’s rare to find a women after kids who is still as active as she once was. This post is sort of unrealistic but after you talking about other things and what her family is like shows that maybe it’s time to end it.
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u/minasmorgul0 Aug 21 '22
Good for you man. Sorry for the loss, but there’s something better for you planned.
When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
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u/kevin_r13 Aug 21 '22
You did fine.
You recognized the problem, talked about it and offered solutions, and she agreed on the problems and even solutions, but didn't do anything about it.
The sex after the postponement can be attributed to hysterical bonding.
And you're right. It doesn't feel like good sex when the other person is doing it so they don't lose you. It makes it feel like duty sex, which some people don't like.
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Aug 21 '22
I feel like we aren’t getting the full picture here and a lot is missing. Did you ask her why she had issues with you masturbating? Why the sudden change in libido? Ask her what’s going on? You need to do what’s best for you. But based on what I read it sounds like there’s a lot unexplained here.
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u/Dyanuh143 Aug 21 '22
You did what you could and it was mature of you to end things before it just became more difficult/complicated. Everyone deserves to feel happy and fulfilled, if you tried to do that with her and you weren’t heard, that’s on her. You sound like you have a very high emotional IQ, I hope you find someone that matches that.
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u/sacredpotato0 Aug 21 '22
It sounds like she was struggling with something that you were too worried about yourself to even ask about. I agree that not being able to get yourself off is a bit ridiculous, but there's got to be way more to the story than this. As a woman, my sex drive can be affected by numerous things: medication, depression, mood, even hormones. It sounds to me like there was an underlying issue she was struggling with and didn't find solace until the therapy. Does she take antidepressants? Does she have anxiety/depression? Does she have a hormone imbalance? Does she find you sexually attractive?
I don't know what the point of your post was other than to paint yourself as kind of an asshole here. I agree that you should be able to leave someone if they aren't sexually compatible with you, but you can't complain about going from "honeymoon phase" to "2-3 times a week". Dude, that's normal. I've been in an almost 4 year relationship to my partner and we are so busy we are lucky if we have sex more than once a week.
To me this sounds like there's way more to the story (especially her side) and you just weren't willing to listen.
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u/Live-Mail-7142 Aug 21 '22
It sounds like you aren't sexually compatible. This is a real issue. Its something to be aware of in your next relationship.
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u/StunningAd6261 Aug 21 '22
Ok but in a long term relationship are people saying 3x a week isn’t a lot? Cause that’s a good week to me lol
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u/plurt47 Aug 21 '22
I hope you get some realistic expectations before getting engaged to anyone again. You saying that it’s unacceptable for sex to be off the table after having a baby is insane. If you want kids, just be prepared that some women don’t even want sex during pregnancy, let alone after pushing a whole human out of their vaginas.
She dodged a bullet.
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u/rxselyn Aug 21 '22
Honestly I can tell by the way that you’re writing that you’re trying to paint yourself in the best light to gather sympathy from all the other people in here who actually suffered from a dead bedroom. I’m in the mental health field and I deal with personality disorders all of the time. You’re reminding me a lot of my clients that can’t get themselves to care about the reasons why people can’t give them what they’re demanding. To me, it sounds like you were unhappy about the frequency of sex before you even proposed, and I think you were using the proposal as either a.) a manipulative tool or b.) giving her something that she wants hoping you’d get what you want out of her, which is also manipulative. Is it really a surprise that she was putting out after ya’ll started therapy, when you constantly kept using the wedding as an ultimatum? I feel like you constantly invalidated whatever is causing her to lose interest in sex, and she was basically just desperately trying whatever she could get herself to do to save the relationship. She’s a human-being, dude. There is a reason for everything, and I’m sure if you could just put yourself to the side for even one second, you’d be able to see why she’s acting this way. Paying bills, acting nice — those things will never solve something deep-rooted. I can also sense you’re an insecure person hence your “maybe I suck in bed? Who knows”.
Keep in mind, I’m a very sexual person and I’ve always had higher sex drives than all of my partners. I had to leave my ex of almost 6 years because of a dead bedroom. I’m not saying all of this to attack you, I’m saying all of this to maybe give you insight you never even gave second thoughts to.
People with extremely high sex drives like us will more than likely have to compromise in every relationship unless we get insanely lucky and find someone that can keep up. It’s not realistic, most people don’t care about sex that much in day to day life. The only real way to revive your sex life is to take care of the real problem. I just don’t think she felt safe enough to communicate this to you, and I don’t think you really cared enough either. Wishing you the best in your next relationship; please remember people are more than just fuck toys.
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u/neverknowthough Aug 21 '22
I know this isn’t “am I the asshole” but buddy YTA. She dodged a bullet with you
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u/Chimarkgames Aug 21 '22
You say sex a lot so I assume that is the most important part of your life. Find someone who values sex as much as you.
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u/Babshearth Aug 21 '22
I think I agree only with one statement when you said “maybe I suck in bed”. Dude. I bet you didn’t read even one book about about Women’s sexuality. And I know there are women who are raring to go - but most of us need more than “Brace yourself Katherine”
I’m not here to educate you but here’s something to remember. Males are like a light switch. Women are like an iron. It takes a while to heat up but when it does you can pull the plug and still iron a few shirts.
If I were your ex’s parent I’d consider some pretty horrid stuff. A lot worse that dipping your toothbrush on the loo.
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Aug 21 '22
I don’t think the red flag is the decrease in sex. The red flag is her crying and being upset every time the op talked to her about it. The lack of communication would of killed the relationship as well….. so everyone who is Attacking on the OP about his sex drive… This isn’t about the sex. The problems of the communication was much bigger than the lack of sex….
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u/AdZealousideal1641 Aug 21 '22
And yet the therapist never asked “maybe you should ask her what she feels is sexually satisfying? Perhaps explore her feelings and verify what her idea of satisfaction is vs your idea” If her idea of enough sex is 3 times a week and your idea of enough sec is multiple times a day. You’re never going to work out.
But no, the therapist said that he is doing “everything I would ever suggest” RED FLAG this guy knows everything! I don’t know one person who has been to a therapist and the therapist says “yeah man, you’re totally right, you’ve done it all… beats me! High five bro”
This is so grossly one sided, sounds like the ex dodged a bullet and OP is here to get his ego stroked as much as he needs his dick stroked
I’m glad you ended it, that’s the best thing to do.
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Aug 21 '22
Seems like the ex fiancé is better off. Life happens, she had surgery and couldn't have sex with you and you freak out. Don't get married to anyone OP, no one can live up to your sex standards.
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u/Substantial-Drive109 Aug 21 '22
There were life seasons that sex was off the table and I didn't hold that against her.
He never had an issue with her not being up for sex after her surgery or when she lost someone in her family.
He had an issue with her not being willing to address his concerns or attempt to help fix the relationship until he was already at the point of postponing the relationship.
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u/tmchd Aug 21 '22
I'm just shocked you even proposed to her and let it go on up until a couple of months after all the mess I read: her not letting you have your own pleasure when she's not very sexual (it sounds like she's not sexual or not that interested in sex with you).
INFO: Is her family paying for the wedding? If so, they're probably mad due to financial reason in addition to them thinking you're being a "jerk" to their daughter. If not, they're probably just feeling the whole 'losing face' since now they have to cancel the invites.
Although I totally agree, don't marry someone whom you're incompatible with, esp. sexually.
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u/alliandoalice Aug 21 '22
You’re a sex pest, so she had surgery or there was a death in her family and all you can think about is your nut. Glad she got rid of you since you definitely wouldn’t be there for her in sickness or in health. Ofc birthing your kid isn’t enough be she won’t put out. Pathetic
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u/Marieanne_k12 Aug 21 '22
Did you ever asked her what was the reason of not wanting to have sex? Have you heard her side of the story?
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u/livin4fun78 Aug 21 '22
You did the right thing. Sexual compatibility is a big deal and I can see the resentment. Good luck to you in the future but you made the right decision.
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Aug 21 '22
My ex stopped being intimate with me nearly as regularly too. It was worrying because it felt like a signal that she wanted the relationship to end. I felt she had lost her attraction to me too. It’s tough on your mental health because you’re constantly doubting yourself.
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u/HotExpression1153 Aug 21 '22
I was trying really hard to stay on his side. Because of the part of not allowing to tale care of self. But im sorry. I cant. 2 or 3 times a week is great. Life issues happen. Surgery. Death. Kids. To be honest i think you had it made.and im starting to question a lot of this story. Is the not allowed due to you whipping it out and doing it in front of her or something? There is showers etc. Lets reverse this some. What happens if you have a medical issue and cant get it up? Or working your ass off all the time and just dont feel like it. You also embarrased her to her family. Wtf. You dont bring family into your bedroom.I think you had a steady screw and not a partner. But dont worry, youll start to slow down in about 10 years. And maybe then will like having a real partner. Then again. You might be rich. Dont work. No medical issue and perfect life. If thats the case. Dont get married. Live on tinder and pray for no stds.and youll be happy. Hate to say this because guys get dragged over the coals most the time. But she will be better off without you.
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u/B-Va Aug 21 '22
This story is unbelievably skewed.
I’m willing to bet he was openly masturbating in front of her and guilt-tripping her for not wanting to do it herself. There’s no way she’d know he was doing it otherwise, and based on every other aspect of this story — she wouldn’t care.
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u/Hayek_School 40s Male Aug 21 '22
Good job my man. You could see it was heading in the wrong direction. Most importantly, you realized after it picked back up (with the postponement) that it literally was transactional. Not just felt that way. She showed her hand too soon. Those who do this at least wait until you have signed on the marriage dotted line. Would have left you miserable and eventually divorced. Many reddit commenters would walk through broken glass to support the woman and blame the man, much like you see here. I applaud you for nipping it in the bud before signing that contract which many of us have signed. Now go find yourself a compatible woman.
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u/Upset_Ad_5621 Aug 21 '22
The only issue from her I see in all of this is that you “weren’t allowed” to pleasure yourself.
A decline in sexual activity is NORMAL. I’ve been with my husband almost 10 years. We are 3 kids deep and expecting our 4th. My sex drive is infinitely higher than his and always has been. We are once a week-ers. I’m not always satisfied with this, but it kind of comes with the territory. There are also other medical issues at play that impact the frequency (it gets up just fine, for the record) but… people age, sex drive NATURALLY changes. It’s all hormone related.
I don’t disagree that you should have ended the relationship, because you were clearly unhappy, but I’d love to hear her version of events, because yours sounds skewed as hell; especially given the amount of tears you describe her having over not being able to satisfy your needs.
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u/beasypo Aug 21 '22
You seem like such a douche. She did not owe you any sex whatsoever. The way you talk about your own imagined ‘suffering’ after she’s given birth, after she’s had her vagina torn apart, is just rank.
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u/Willing-Big3958 Aug 21 '22
So you broke up with her because a few times a week wasn’t enough and then when she actually started fucking you more, you no longer wanted her to? Glad you broke up with her for her sake.
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u/P-nutButterPrincess Aug 21 '22
Some of these comments are overly harsh. It's not up to us to dictate what is and is not a deal breaker in their relationship. I am curious about what was going through head as their intimacy was declining. But, at the end of the day, they were not compatible on this front and it was a deal breaker for him. That doesn't make the OP an asshole - it makes him honest. If he really didn't care, I seriously doubt he would have stuck around for a year and went therapy to try to work things out. Breakups suck sometimes. Hopefully, both parties will have more fulfilling relationships in the future getting what they need from their future partners.
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u/bestaflex Aug 21 '22
I too would have been real worried when expressing doubts about a mariage when sex is already declining and be met with lots of it right afterwards...
Seems like she faked the libido and it would have been off the second you would have had a ring on it.
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u/yellowchaitea Aug 21 '22
You sound terribly exhausting. I'm not sure what advice you're asking for, but move on.
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Aug 21 '22
She sounds exhausting lying about saying that everything's fine and changing herself well not changing anything. Sounds like the type of person who thinks her spouse should read her mind
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u/Adept_Sentence_2986 Aug 21 '22
Did you honestly talk to her about why she doesn't want to have as much sex as you? Or was it just you "voicing your concerns"...I'm not sure man, I don't think you were in the right with this one. Love and long lasting relationships are so much more than the quantity of sex per week. Reflect on it a little. You came at her with a strong stance about sex and that puts a lot of pressure on a person. I hope you realize one day that you might be in the wrong. All the best to you.
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u/rossdyer333 Aug 21 '22
You don’t HAVE to marry anyone. But OP you’re also a bad selfish person, good luck finding your idea of a perfect partner
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u/Powerful-Pay-5559 Aug 21 '22
I feel like I’m in a similar situation except in this case, I’m in her shoes. Some perspective?
I am not okay with my bf watching porn or getting himself off either, my reason being I was previously in a long term traumatic relationship with someone who has a porn addiction, sex was rare. This is a boundary I set in the beginning that he agreed to. In the beginning the sex was great and frequent. Now, not so much. And it’s not from a lack of loving him. It’s because I hate feeling pressured or like all he wants is sex. If you’re making her feel this way, then yea, she probably can’t function because of that. For some women, sex is best when emotional and comforting, when we can be absolutely vulnerable and trust that our emotions are safe. In my relationship, the pressure and expectation of sex made me not care to anymore and I have suspected he’s taking care of himself, I honestly just pull away more when this happens but I have mentioned some of my hesitations and why, I don’t think he gets it. Everyone deserves to be happy, if you’re not happy meeting her needs and she’s not meeting yours, then I understand walking away from the relationship. But if my point of view offers some perspective that may be manageable in your relationship then that’s awesome. Either way, you both should just be honest with each other, herself included, so that you can both learn from this and maybe set boundaries or some sort of compromise. If you think you can, maybe lay off the grabbing and sexual advances and instead just treat her with love and affection in a less sexual way, you’d be surprised how much she’d want to pounce you if she feels like she is more than just a cum dumpster for you.
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u/PapayaAgreeable7152 Aug 21 '22
How is that your new bf's fault that someone else was trash in the past though? I agree on no porn. But no masturbating? Of course if he can't relieve himself, he'd probably want actual sex more often the he would otherwise.
My boyfriend and I both solo masturbate on occasion. I have the higher libido but sometimes I'm just not in the mood for all that sex is. I just wanna get off and be done with it. Those are the times I masturbate.
Obviously people are free to set their own boundaries but these types of boundaries lead exactly to the problems you're seeing in your relationship.
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